User blog:JERealize/Progress Bar: Issue 026

Okay, let's do this! My first Total Drama episode review! Only on Progress Bar!

(October 25, 2013)

TDAS Episode 7: Suckers Punched
Okay, so after the recap, we hear an expert pianist... on a cassette tape. The conjointed twin rats (which I'll dub "RufusRufus", because the name "Cody" has been taken... by Cody Banks) chew on the electric cord and Sierra has to comfort them, to their relentless clawing and scratching and... does that count as relieving themselves?

And just outside the Losers' cabin, their antibiotic breakfast is interrupted by an annoyed Al(ejandro). Miracle, Al(ejandro)? You expect them to buy that story? Also, cool pig, bro (Scott). Really goes with the bacon.

And now, we get the announcement from Chris to come to the Chris-sessium.

"Today's challenge isn't gonna hurt itself."

On the hike, Duncan asks for a word with Zoey. And Duncan spills the beans in her ear... only to get Zoey's laughing.

"...Oh. You're serious."

Oh, Zoey. If you were in Doctor Who, Welshy would say you're as bad as Rose.

So, Duncan stayed away from Mike (in Mal form) while they were both in Juvenile Hall. Once again (I never asked this on blogs, keep in mind), I have to ask, how did Mike get a criminal record? This is just bad pitching, writers. How can that even happen if Mike didn't tell Zoey? And even if Mike doesn't remember that experience, you'd think he would wonder about a noticeable two-year (if not more) gap in his memory, and even talk about it with Zoey. (What, are they around... Tiers 4-6? What do you think, Jake? Wouldn't Mike start talking about personal experiences right about now?)

And Zoey actually gives in to Duncan's theory? I thought Zoey was labeled as "The Indie Chick". As in, having a free and uninfluenced mind? Also, is that shipping? That had better not be shipping.

"Codies, leave that intern's face alone."

Thank Notch for that break in the awkward scene. Next.

Meanwhile, Chef picks up Mike (in Mal form), after being trampled on by Mal's animal army, and we see a glimpse into... Mike's mind. Again. Wow. First, Owen's dreams, and now this? This isn't reality TV satire. This is... I don't know what this is. (beat) I'll get to it later.

Anyway, Mike, apparently chained to a boulder the shape of a head, speaks with Mal in a mirror.

Okay. This is... still have no clue.

Mike reveals he actually knows about Mal, and dealt with him after Juvenile Hall. I guess he did a bad job at that. Mal claims he got better. And now, here we are.

"Those are innocent people you're messing with! You have to stop!"

Sorry, Mike. Evil doesn't stop. Remember an ancient brand-new phrase called, "Resistance is futile?" I mean, you've clearly been assimilated, so... Just saying.

"I'm just getting started."

What a cliché. Next. Please, for Notch's sake.

We're here, at the Chris-sessium, and when Scott mentions boxing, Cameron decides to write a Last Will and Testament. Wow, has that been used before... At least we know his full name.

"...Cameron Corduroy Wilkins."

(snickers) Corduroy.

Chef comes back with Mike, and Chris thinks a baby squirrel beat Chef up.

"That kid ain't right..."

Okay, I got it. This is King of the Hill. Lousy Texans, always judging on the lowest common denominator. Not everything is movie stars and botox, Hank. There's a thing called real jobs. We provide some of the food on your table. Using immigrants. And that includes Texans. Remember the Great Depression? On another note, Stan Smith, stop using Californian places as insults. I don't ever tease you on how you fall on your Langleys. (beat) Enough said.

Mike (in Mal form) tries some local conversation with Zoey and Duncan. Nothing.

So the challenge is a mix of the challenges of "No Pain, No Game" (the one with the TDI Final 3) and "Phobia Factor" (the one with Courtney's green gelatin).

"Not hungry."

Apparently, you're not funny, either. Just don't talk.

"The rules are simple: Spin the wheel, and go a full two minutes with whatever the wheel lands on. Win the match, and earn your team a point. The fights will be judged impartially by Chef and myself. First team to win the battles is the champ."

Note: Do not trust Chris when he says "impartially". Also. Chef's in a dress. I've had enough of crossdressing since Por Ella Soy Eva.

And I do not feel like ranting about that.

"But who's gonna watch the Codies while I fight?"

"No one, if they value their lives."

Well, Chris, what's better? Leaving them out in the open where anyone can get hurt?

Mike (in Mal form) asks for Zoey's reward, and Zoey's reward would be to watch from the sidelines and get a free point. How nice.

I did find a Staples easy button at a Goodwill store. Too bad I couldn't buy it. It would really be useful right now.

The Villains go first. Scott spins the wheel, Chris blinks, Chef steps on a button, and...

"Say hello to your foe, Fang!"

Scott. Is. Dead. Enough said.

He is literally thrown into the action, where he gets beaten senseless. Yawn.

''"I likes you, purty lady. Hehehe. Hehehe, me sleep." (dozes off)''

That line more than made up for it. Scottney is really starting to show, and I don't know if I'll like it or not, but I like that line.

As Courtney picks up Scott, with Gwen helping her out and Courtney being grateful for such ("Did you see that? Courtney treated me like a human being!"), Sierra spins the wheel next... and has to fight RufusRufus's mothers. Okay...

Plus, Cameron smells something fishy with the selection process... Gee, you think?

Plus plus, Sierra breaks up with Cameron before the fight... (beat) Kinda lackluster, don't you think? Besides Cameron being relieved.

Sierra tries to beat up the mother, but fails. Another curb-stomp battle for the opposers...

"That's... gonna hurt on landing."

...and another innocent bystander squashed. First physically, then spiritually.

"Forget what I said. I could never break up with you, Cam-ody. Hehe. I can't wait for the teams to merge, then we can be Team Cam-sierra-ody."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Seriously, why doesn't anyone just place a restraining order these days? That way, you may have... a crazier Sierra. Oh boy. Imagine what that would be like.

"You sould beware, beware, beware... or a woman with a broken heart." 

Al(ejandro) takes a turn in the ring... but a rigged wheel means...

"No! It can't be!"

And this episode marks Jose's first appearance on the show. Although, to admit, Jose just barely looks better than Al(ejandro). (beat) Maybe it's just the mangled hair that keeps Al(ejandro) from basking in his brother's shadow.

And we have a break on the show. Might as well have a break here.

(start commercial)

Right now, at ampm, buy four drinks and get a fifth free. ampm. Too much good stuff.

Available at your local ARCO. ARCO. Straight-up gas.

(end commercial)

Why don't those two ever share a commercial? Anyway, back to the show.

The two are about to box, but before they do, they trash-talk each other. Exfoliation? And Al(ejandro) blames his meeting Jose on his dreams. Oh, grow up.

"My whole life, Jose has been better than me at everything: Academics, sports, and yes, even personal grooming!"

Stop complaining. You made it to the Final 2 of reality game show satire... Come to think of it, that's nothing to be proud of. (beat) Continue.

"Well, not this time."

And then they start fighting. And they deliver body blows.

"It's the family code: Not the face."

"Never the face."

This is why America won the Revolution. And why every Spanish colony seceded by 1900.

And guess what Jose says:

"Your technique is almost as embarrassing as the way your girlfriend with an unattractive personality burned you on national television."

You know what? I'm going to move to my fallout shelter right over there. (points off-screen) You might as well, too. This just got real. (runs off-screen)

"That's for calling me Al! That's for always hogging the bathroom mirror! And replacing my soap with a urinal cake! And this... is for calling any aspect of Heather unattractive!"

(resulting punch triggers an explosion that levels half of Tulare County)

(static, disappears to reveal JER in front of a leveled building, on a crackling screen)

Day 6 after the Al(ejandro) Explosion. Over 300,000 people are dead, including my whole family. I tried to find help, but there was none around. I found a few rations after the blast, but they're dangerously low at this point. They likely won't make it past dinner. The nights are cold, I have little but rubble to cover under, and I hear moaning at night. I keep a shotgun I found beside me, just in case, but I also have little ammo. I might be paranoid, but I think zombies are out to get me. Like Max Brooks said. (sigh) Let's face it: I have little food, I'm sleep-deprived and alone, and if there really are ghouls out there, I likely won't make it another day.

(beat, mood changes)

So let's continue with our review.

"Heather, I know you're watching. Call me."

So, the Villains finally snag a point. Whoop-de-dingle-doo. Now all they need are ruby slippers. Mike (again, in Mal form), goes up to the wheel, but Cameron blurts out the fact that the game is rigged.

"Huh?"

Why are you all surprised?!

Anyway, Chris has to rig it so it does not look like it's rigged. It's easy. Just step back and see what happens. And it lands on... spider. Cameron's fear. But Cameron got over this fear, so... what did Mike (do I really need to explain?) get?

Answer: Izzy.

"Greetings, spider food."

Well, at least it solves the mystery as to why Katie Crown was in the end credits of this season since the season started. Also, this appearance makes Izzy the sixth TDI camper to appear in all 5 seasons, behind Gwen, Duncan, Heather, Lindsay, and Ezekiel (you know, not counting the boat scene in Episode 1 of Revenge of the Island).

Then Izzy smells something rotten.

"Ugh! You smell weird. Like a honey kriller wrapped in rotten ham. Good on the inside, poison on the outside."

The words go right through Mal and into the Mike trapped in his own subconscious.

"You're right! Help! Mal is keeping me prisoner in my own subconsious!"

"Question: Who's Mal?"

Response: Mike loses the mirror, Izzy gets beaten into a coma, and Zoey starts up on making Tarot cards. Great. Just great. (beat) Mal is sick! He somehow pulled the Sadism title belt from Scott by completely destroying Izzy. And if you don't remember, Scott eliminated both B and Dawn, the latter because she knew a secret. And by the finale, everyone in the continuity believed Dawn was still a villain!

But listen, and real good. All Mal did was break, break, break. And this is his first major move. Beating up the #1 scrapper in the entire series. I mean, no one besides Duncan and Zoey know about Mal, so at least that tilted some heads, but if no one acknowledged Izzy's understanding of this development at any point in the future, then this season is going to be worse than the wrap-up of Lost. And I heard it was pretty bad.

(Dun, dun, DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN)

Well, at least Mal doesn't receive as much hate from me as the hate I gave to Scott in Season 4, even though I started to warm up to Scott this season. Mal should be grateful for that.

"It's 2 to 1 Heroes. One more point, and they win the whole thing."

"Wow. Um... where'd you learn to do that?"

"I don't know. It's like I wasn't even in control."

(beat) I hate you.

Cameron spins.

"Now that Spider Izzy's gone--"

You mean exterminated.

"--anything else should be a walk in the park."

Cut to Cameron getting pummeled by a pack of mutant gophers. Can anyone say, "Record time?"

"Well, that was fast."

Close enough. Duncan is next, still not liking that he's being treated as a "lovable lug". Wow. First, Chris tries to turn Gwen to a villain, then he turns Duncan into a hero. Chris, you are one low fella.

Chris tries to get Duncan to reconsider, but Duncan refuses. He should have quit, because guess what he gets?

One. Mutant. Bluebird. Just one. The same one that Duncan happened to (troublesomely) take an egg from.

...And he can't bear to fight her.

"How am I supposed to fight something so helpless and weak?"

He gives up.

"I give up."

I would include Candace's song of a similar name from Phineas and Ferb, but I'll assume you've heard it. I'll let you look it up.

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nDAfpqRivAo Never mind. Here it is.]

Next?

''"I'll go." (giggles) "No, seriously. I'll go." (giggles)''

Both Gwen and Courtney offered, and they both said that line.

"Gwen. Spin."

Did Chris rig the line again? I thought I heard Gwen was going against--

"Courtney?"

"Fight Gwen? I can't!"

"I won't!"

You know, you could just fake the fight and let Gwen win. That way, everyone wins... as long as they're a Vulture.

"Yeah, I kinda figured this would happen, so, as a bit of extra incentive..."

Chef brings in a plasma TV that shows Gwen and Duncan kissing. Well, this garners Courtney's attention. And who's to blame?

"The producers found it on Sierra's Gwuncan blog."

And just like that, Sierra plays a formidable role in stomping out Gwentney.

"Courtney, remember. We're past this. We're friends again."

"I guess I'm not as over it as I thought."

Cheer up Gwen. At least you have Torchwood... Wait, I forgot. Wrong Gwen. And the institute is destroyed. Sorry, Gwen.

"This is going to hurt you more than it hurts me."

Did Courtney and I just speak in unison? Ewwwww!

And after two minutes, they're practially reduced to shadows of their former selves. At this point, they reconcile.

"So, friends?"

"Totes. Friends forever."

And just to point out that I did not include any controversial text in this blog. You know, to keep out of the love pentagon conflict forming here. I'm neutral. Like Switzerland.

Even though I have to admit Antonio Cesaro is awesome. You know, by Swiss standards.

And, the heartwarming reunion causes the Villains to gain 2 points, thus winning the contest 3-2. Guess who's going to elimination? That's right, the Hamsters.

Wow, break already? I guess I'd better find a commercial to-- (looks around) Oh. I forgot. Wasteland. I guess I got carried away. Let's head back to the show.

At elimination, Duncan and Zoey talk about Mal, mention Izzy, then Duncan realizes:

"What if Mike is the alternate personality and Mal is the real deal?"

Twist. Total... twist. I mean, some people may have seen this coming, but still, it was well-executed.

"After all this time? No. It can't be... Although... when you really think about it... (gasp) No."

Cheep up, Zoey. Should that be the case, you wouldn't be the only contestant to fall in love with an alternate personality. Remember when you hated Mike for playing with Anne Maria? The truth is, that wasn't Mike in control. That was Vito. And now all three of them are gone. (beat) Good luck at the wedding.

By the way, here's a little thing that Chris said:

"Tonight, the winners will choose which player is eliminated from the losers' team. Hold that gasp. And, the losers are the choosers of which winner goes to Boney Island. And, the teams are NOT merging. Now you may gasp."

(yawns) Pathetic. Besides the teams not merging, there was absolutely nothing in Chris' statement that made a satisfying twist. I would have accepted something along the lines of a (predicted by many) double elimination or a (favored) Izzy joining the game, but this... no, no, no. Chris, you'll have to try harder to satisfy the hard-studies.

And guess who the Villains vote for:

"We've decided--"

"Reluctantly. Very reluctantly."

"...to eliminate..."

Sounds like Duncan is out. Think about it. Cameron chimed in "reluctantly", and if I'm right, the dictionary definition is to be unwilling to make a decision. Cameron might have wanted Sierra out. Gwen and Courtney might want Duncan out. Simple mathematics. So, as such, the one going home is--

"Sierra."

(eyes and jaws open for a ahile before coming to senses) What?

"But why?"

"You have a real Cody back home who needs you... for some reason."

I don't get it. I just don't get it. Duncan eluded elimination again? I thought Gwen and Courtney wanted him out. Let me check the math... (beat) Oh.

Apparently, with Sierra being the cause of the slideshow that broke Gwen and Courtney for over two minutes, they, along with Cameron, decided to designate her the threat, even though Gwen and Courtney may have wanted Duncan out first. (beat) Still rubbish.

"Alejandro!"

Oop, they went ahead and chose the exile without me. Silly Hamsters. You don't make your own decisions. The produces control your will for you (baby talk) Yes, they do. Yes, they control your lives-- (RufusRufus bites JER's finger, JER stops baby talking) I was wondering where that went. (beat) You know what that means,

"Listen to the n---d mole rap." 

Wow, a lot of links today. I should move to the city. That way, I can actually meet my friends without driving to them, and beat this Internet buddy system-- (beat, cricket chirps) Oh, yeah.

(beat) Awkward...

Anyways, Sierra gets flushed, and the preview for the next episode... I don't know what to make of it.

Alright, to tell you the truth, I give this episode an 8/10. Yeah, it had some good fights, and lovely twists, not to mention the mending of wounds (figuratively, of course; no physical wounds were mended in the making of this episode), but we had a few issues. Like the possibility of Zuncan forming. I mean, Zoey is listening to everything Duncan says, hardly thinking for herself, and feeling hopeless if she ever does. The prize she won last episode took out all the action she could have added, and to tell you the truth, this is Zoey at her least active. Might as well be obese.

Plus, Mal did little but talk to Mike and knock out a non-competitor, which doesn't cause the loss of too many points, but is still a calamity in itself. And as for the campfire twist... meh. But on the bright side of the episode, Sierra is... out? (beat) Let's talk about that.

You see, when Sierra came back, she brought along her affection for Cody, fell in love with Cameron, went nuts when her smartphone broke, and named everything she touched Cody. (Heh. The Cody Touch.) The thing is, I actually did agree that she would be out for a few of the early episodes, but then Mal came along, and I thought Duncan would go, followed by Cameron, followed by Zoey. Did this happen yet? No! Episode 5? Cameron quit, but Chris brought him back as a Vulture. Episode 6? Heather was out. And in this episode, Sierra got flushed. But still, either Duncan or Cameron or Zoey would most likely be out in the next episode. And I had better get answers by the end of the season. Answers as to Mike's criminal record, primarily.

Also, my prediction for the Final 2 would either be Scott vs Mal or Courtney vs Mal. It has to happen. Those conspiring against Mal are goners, Gwentney will sever over Scott (somehow), and Alejandro will leave due to him being a constant threat. But besides that, I hope Izzy recovers and I hope Dawn clears her name.

Anyways, just to finish this episode with a footnote: I plan to dress up as Noah for Halloween. I'll send you a picture next week, and I hope you like it. As for me, this is JERealize, signing out.

(looks behind him) Oh. Forgot. Still have a job to do. So, I night as well--

(a strange man runs up to him from a far distance, JER notices, the man stops in front of him, says "Its...", and passes out to reveal a zombie bite on his right arm)

(JER freaks out) Aah! Zombie bite! Zombie bite! Kill him! (pulls out his shotgun and blows off his head, then pants) I have to go. I'm a goner.

(JER walks off in the distance, wind blowing, and a song being whistled. An army of gray figures march at him from in front of him, JER pulls out his shotgun and aims, then static.)

END OF BLOG

Have you ever exchanged screams with someone else before? (Talk | Blogs | Contributions) 08:17, October 25, 2013 (UTC)