User blog:Jkl9817/Jkl's satiric blog post number 1: The Life After Lies lost chapter

So, like I promised, I'm starting a series of satiric blog posts. Read the post for further info. The first one will be a LAL "lost chapter". (Luckily for me, Gigi hasn't been around :P) I don't want to offend anyone, and please take it only as comic material. So, there it goes.

The chapter itself
Life After Lies

By Fadingsilverstar16 (not)

The Lost Chapter

Dramatic abstract noun

''I beheld the street as the rainfall leisurely perished. The man across it stared in my direction bearing a dry smile. I couldn't help imagining that glare was addressed to me.''

Crossing the street and doing what I was there to do seemed as impossible to me as an objective narration. I wasn't brave enough to get that over, yet I was too proud to give up and, the most crucial details, I couldn't get through this chapter without a dramatic conclusion.

Doubt.

That's the name of a movie starring Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman.

I really liked that movie.

Perhaps I should use less paragraph breaks.

My heart was pounding. There was mist everywhere, though I guess mist is indispensable in a daytime chapter of a dramatic story. I tried to distract my look, for I wouldn't dare to look into that man's eyes again. I gulped, and then I uttered a bitter chuckle because "gulp" is a funny word. Gulp, gulp, gulp.

That man's suggestive half-smile gave way to a broad, inviting smile.

Oh my God.

(I strongly hope blasphemy is not a deadly sin.)

My hand went gently to my incredibly spacious pocket. I fumbled it and calmed down recognizing my guns. Then I looked at the man one more time, and closed my eyes.

By that point, I could have figured out it wasn't such a big deal, and I really wished I could find the boldness to cross the street, but I couldn't. I just stood there, while occasional drizzles contributed to create a tragic atmosphere.

I smiled lightly. I'm a really good narrator, I thought.

I was such an idiot. I had dealt with a lot of tougher situations. Why was I balking it now? Apprehension is really irrational and pointless sometimes. That was a self-reference.

Then I finally decided to get it over and took my first step onto the street.

But then a car at high speed ran into me and I died.

Good grief, not that much. I'm not emo. I was alive, and nothing else mattered.

I just kept walking across the street, trying to avoid the unavoidable pessimistic thoughts that came to my head just then. My eyes were closed, but looking both ways before crossing the street wasn't the most important thing at that moment. If a car came and killed me, it could actually be better... (Seriously, I'm not emo.)

I finally reached the other side of the street, and that sinister figure still stared at me. I gulped again.

"I suppose you're here to do business with me," he said, with a dismal voice. Granted, I'm not sure of what "dismal" means, but it sounds like a dramatic word. I'm a really good narrator.

"Yes, I am," I said. "Let's just get it over."

"Okay." The man kept smiling smugly, and, for some extent, wickedly. I hate those people.

I went into a long, deep silence.

Stew.

Ugh, that didn't sound the way I thought it would. Maybe I'm not such a good narrator.

Then, after not daring to say a word for what seemed to me like hours, I finally said "I want a double dog with extra mustard." He prepared my hot dog without even caring to wash his hands—ugh, those people!—and finally, he gave it to me.

"Thank you," I cordially said, though we both knew it was a lie.

I walked away and took my swiss knife off my pocket. Then I cut the hot dog in half with it, and wrapped one of the halves with a napkin, so I could eat it later.

And the glorious moment I had been waiting for finally came.

While thinking of an excuse for a new chapter, I bit into the hot dog. Overcoming never felt so delicious.

'''Apology note: To Gigi (though I doubt she will ever read this) and all the LAL fans, I have to say I am myself a fan of LAL (obviously), and admire and respect it greatly. Please don't get me wrong, this is intended to be nothing but comic material. As for the "self-reference", it was just a joke and I DON'T think the drama in LAL is pointless and irrational; quite the contrary, it was in fact an inspiration for me to write Ordinary Knives. Please understand I don't want to offend anyone. I hope you enjoyed reading this.'''