User blog:HerrMana/Reality Realized - Round 2 Results and Round 3 Theme

First of all, I'd like to thank you all and congratulate you for competing in Reality Realized, even the ones who didn't submit before the deadline, I know deep down you will Never Gonna Give (Me) Up.

So, let's go to the scores, shall we?


 * Development and Originality and Focus reviews by Mana
 * Dialogue and Formal Aspect reviews by Toad

But First... Mana has Something to Explain!
Let me explain how my character rankings will work:

My ranking does not impact the grade of your story, and exists only so you know your reader's opinions on your characters, so you can see who is popular, who is seen as boring, etcetera. And, IF YOU WANT TO, do something to alter it.

It is separated in 7 keys:

Light Blue - I loved this character, probably because their plot is ingenious, they are hilarious, or because I identify with them.

Green - I really like this character, they are probably entertaining and/or have an interesting plot.

Light Green - This character is good, but there's something lacking for them to be among my favorites.

Blue - I have very mixed opinions on this character.

Yellow - Uninspiring or had no focus in the episode, maybe I would like them better if they had more focus.

Orange - I dislike this character, probably because I dislike him as a "human being". If your intention is for him/her to be hated, go ahead! But if they're supposed to be rootable, I guess it's not working.

Red - This is the Red Flag. I actually dislike this character most likely because they are poorly written or extremely offensive. You might consider changing something about how you write them.

If you want me to explain the specific reason behind placing of any of your characters, feel free to tell me!

Total Drama Tides
Development and Originality: 9,7

Okay, so many plots and interaction blocks have started forming and I'm pretty interested!I LOVE Wing's crew, even though hey all seem pretty plot-irrelevant so far, they're such a fun group to see. Now, regarding plot, let me see: Two jerks in love with each other, none who will admit <3 A thirsty ho going for a guy even though he's straight and hasn't shown any signs he likes him (excited to see how they'll interact next chapter after the... incident) <3 Malia and Angel are really cute together (no homo), and now I finally got Lark ^^ I really like her, actually, I just think the only flaw in her lil' plot with Blake was how quickly he revealed his fear to her. Freddie's plot was so random, and I still don't know if I relate to Nicole by accidentally sounding like a jerk or dislike her for sounding like a jerk. Overall, off to a great start plot-wise!

Focus: 10

I felt like this chapter had no clear "protagonist", so if your intention was to start the story without making it feel like there is a "main character" (like you did with Dania in Frozen), good job! If not, you still get a 10 because I can't read your mind, and no one was invisible or a vacuum of screentime.

Dialogue: 10

So, first and foremost, your challenge choice was amazing - it reminds me of one of those challenges I’d make for the sole purpose of including tons of character interactions, which you also did very well. Your cast is really colorful and their interactions were so fun the whole way through - even little touches like Cherry unnecessarily inserting “literally” into one of her sentences, as well as Jake having to carry Sam, were awesome (oh, and I love Wing’s entire existence, a pirate character is perfect for the setting that you have). I thought Freddie’s plot with Nicole was wrapped up very nicely, and he was everything I needed from a first boot. Overall, your characters are so fun and I love their lines!

Formal Aspect: 9,5

Hey, it looks like you fixed the only issue I had last time, so that’s awesome! Couple small things: “friends mouth” should have an apostrophe in “friend’s,” make sure to put periods instead of commas if there’s a full sentence before a quote (for instance, Malia looked stunned as the smart girl was dragged away, “Shouldn’t we help her!?” should have a period after “away”) but that’s it!

Overall: 9,8



Easy, Breezy, Beautiful
Development and Originality: 9,2

This cast produces really funny interactions, most of them pretty original! From the plots I gather so far, which aren't many yet (but that's not an issue, it's just the second chapter), Karen being a mastermind nudist g.oddess <3 Danni and Betsy's BFFmance which doesn't quite work for me because that kind of interaction is tiring, it reminds me of Lisa and Penelope (who I hated) from Frank's story, but a little less over-the-top; I still love Betsy, though <3 And finally, we have the love triangle of Travis-Spence-Gretchen... oh wait. Yeah, I have no idea what will be of those two now that Gretchen is gone (and I'm really curious too!) I just hope they don't turn into joke characters. Speaking of joke-characters, you are pertty god at those (Matilda <3), I just think Vicky and Pietro are falling flat at the moment, so I hope they get more to them besides being snarky/being dumb later on ^^ Speaking of falling flat, the elimination challenge was definitely the least interesting part of this amazing chapter. I know it's difficult (and extremely boring) to write challenges, and they always end up really anticlimatic, but maybe try compensating the lack of climax with some humor. Just a suggestion, because I know you're great at it!

Focus: 10

I felt like this was a very Alfred-focused chapter, but having a "chapter protagonist" is far from an issue as long as it's not the same one every chapter. We had some less relevant characters like Chadd (I know dialogue is with Toad, but I love his speech patterns and hope to see more of him later), but no one was invisible so no issue there either! Good job!

Dialogue: 10

I’m continuing to love this cast and their amazingly OTT ways of speaking with each other. Highlights this time included Matilda’s weird comparisons that somehow nailed the way old, frumpy women speak, Betsy’s lines which made it evident that she was hiding something without giving too much away (I’m excited to see where her plot goes too lol <3), and… THAT one Ramsey line. Gretchen was pretty perfect for a first boot, I thought her way of speaking was irritating enough to make me glad she left, but also fun enough where I wasn’t annoyed by her, so it was a perfect middle ground. Great job!

Formal Aspect: 9,8

Very few errors - some little typos: you don’t need a comma after a dash (like “--”), and then this part: Lila nods. “Oh, God,”. Was there supposed to be something after the “Oh, God”? But I’m pretty obviously grasping at straws here, so good job!

Overall: 9,75



Total Drama Mall
Development and Originality: 5,5

I unfortunately saw very little of the plot unfolding this episode, the glimpses of it I caught were the Kale-Fiore-Camari relationship, which is a love triangle and I really hope you have ~something more~ to add to this plot because a love triangles per se is, for the lack of a better word, boring. There is also Raina's little coinflict with Paris, in which I believe Raina is completely wrong as stupid and Paris did nothing wrong at all even though she seems to be the one portrayed as the bad one. Raina's relationship with Rowen was cute, though, I was expecting she would kiss him in the end and I would cringe but it was a much betetr ending! Overall I think this chapter was too filled with pointless negativity (back-and-forth bickering that added nothing neither to humor or plot), so I would think of ways to add a meaning to it if you're going to keep it. Finally, I'm feeling kinda iffy on the existence of Gabi AND Paris because so far they seem like the same character, but if you could dissocate them a little I think Paris has potential to be an amazing character! (and who knows about Gabi?)

Focus: 7

Some characters were obfuscated by the overwhelming pointless negativity I mentioned before, and while I wouldn't normally take points for making some characters less visible, taking time from characters to open space for pointless bickering or convos about Lana Del Rey is not advised. The eliminated character did have a good amount of screentime and managed to have a plot wrapped-up, so yay!

Dialogue: 8

Okay, so I’m already seeing some improvements from last chapter! Some of the characters still kind of blend together, because of some of their speech patterns being similar and there being a lot of different rude/bitchy characters (like Paris, Oxley, Gabi). However, some of the other characters like Rowen, Novi, and Raina especially were very fun to read this chapter, I think that Rowen had a great plot for a first boot and his dialogue with Raina was really interesting to read, it almost made him sympathetic. Once again, I also recommend to use more varied ways of typing for the characters’ speech, since if you make them all sound the same, the characters blend together. So, like, don’t be afraid to switch things up, CAPITALIZE SOME WORDS, use some commas/exclamation points/slang.

Formal Aspect: 8

I already touched upon some of it in the Dialogue section, but don’t be afraid to use commas, seriously. Commas help (and question marks too!). Like, when I see someone saying “Wow.”, I imagine it being said in a Noah-esque tone, due to the pretty flat grammar in that sentence. Now, if it was “Whoa!” or “WOW!” or even “Wow!” that’d be a lot better. So, just make sure to keep varying up the grammar, and getting rid of choppy sentences, and you’ll be good! I didn’t spot as many typos in this chapter, so that’s great too.

Overall: 7,12



Odyssey
Development and Originality: 10

Oooh, I can see many things going on there, that's how I like my first chapters. Starting with Ivy's plot, which was <3 <3 <3. But we also have Zeke and Elena's fishy behavior and Nevaeh's mysterious strategic mastermindness. And besides the major plots, we also have an array of very interesting characters. Tess to be the token endgame hag <3

Focus: 10

Some characters were underedited, but they were not completely invisible, so no issue here. A chapter that focus on the first boot, yet doesn't make it obvious always makes me happy, and you managed to do this really well! You actually managed to make me really invested in a first boot and I think that's the first time someone who is not Sprinklemist manages to do this to me; if that's not nailing the theme, then I don't know what is.

Dialogue: 9

I actually saw some major improvement in these characters’ lines this chapter, so great job! Sometimes I was wondering whether they sounded too bland or not, but I realized that most of the characters’ labels were pretty flexible so they all had many different aspects to their personality. Ivy in particular was amazingly written this chapter, the scene with her yelling at her teammates which was then contrasted with her confessional about her dad was perfectly placed in the chapter. I REALLY wish that she had had more content, especially considering she was the first boot, because she had some great lines when she did actually say stuff, but that was like her only scene. Other things: I was glad that Zeke talked this chapter! He’s fun too, and I also am really liking Tess so far, her lines are enjoyably dramatic (like her label). Overall, good job, and I’m liking these characters a lot so far!

Formal Aspect: 9

In the very first line of the chapter, those semicolons weren’t needed - I think you could’ve just used commas throughout that whole sentence. Also when Liam was listing the colors of the flags, you could’ve totally used commas there too. In general, semicolons don’t really have to be used unless you’re essentially combining two sentences together (such as “Adam was really hungry; he went to the store later in the day to get food” or something), and when you’re listing things, commas are the way to go. Otherwise though, no big issues!

Overall: 9,5



Scoreboard
Coming soon

Round 3 Theme
Coming later tonight