User blog:JERealize/Progress Bar: Issue 051 (TDPI Episode 1 Review)

Oh, my, word. We're ready for the 51st Progress Bar in the series, and this aims to be the longest. So much to do...

First of all, I'll introduce another few concept ideas I want to see in the future. Then, we see the latest highlights from the World Cup game yesterday. And then, we move on to the good stuff: The reviews.

(July 11, 2014)

Triple-Subtitle System Proposal
Okay, so I have a new way to not only read, but understand foreign-language media through subtitles. It consists of three sets of subtitles:


 * The first set, shown above the other two, shows the speech in its original form (eg. Programs that are Japanese in origin would show Hiragana and Katakana in this category).
 * The second set, shown in between the other two, show how the text above would be pronounced in the intended language targeted to subbed-program users. (most likely how dictionaries show how to pronounce a word)
 * The third set, shown below the other two, shows the rough translation of the first set of text (and in consequence, the undubbed speech), with hidden meanings not available through rough translation shown in parentheses alongside the third set of text or an optional fourth set of text.

Also included would be a system, where specific parts of speech being said in the original language would trigger the corresponding characters in the first and second sets to light up, with the third (and possibly fourth) set lighting up to represent the rough translation. The lighting-up will be dynamic, to keep to real-time speech and rough translation.

It is hoped that this method of subtitling would one day get people to understand the foreign languages from which they watch their subbed (or even raw) programs from other countries. I don't know if this will guarantee the learning of another language, but at the very least, it would give people basic insight on how the grammar of said language works.

Now, I hope this idea doesn't get stolen like a lot of my other ideas. Wait a minute, did Red Data Girl steal one of my ideas? Let me check...

(fifteen seconds later)

Oh, good. It didn't. Okay. On to the next one.

Recent World Cup Information
Well, guess what? Brazil didn't win. The other team did. 7-1, in fact. The biggest Brazilian defeat of all time. The Mineirazo, they're calling it.

And you know what? I loved it!

Kinda.

You see, I watched the game, but seeing as I had much to do that day, I missed all the goals (except for the one Brazilian one that none cares about). But I did manage to take a look at the highlight reel afterward, and it was simply magnificent.

I don't know what to say, besides saying that this was intended to be a statement to the Dutch on the other side of the brackets, saying, "If you decide to show your face at the final again, we will slaughter you and serve you to the pigs." No kidding. This is Germany at the top, and Brazil at rock bottom. Too bad the Dutch didn't make it.

They lost to Argentina. On penalty kicks. And now, not only is Brazil terrified because Brazil is KO'ed out of the competition; but they've now realized its arch-rival is in the final instead. And to add on to that, I'm also disappointed because my dream final just became a third-place match. What the--!

And now, my brother is cheering for Argentina. The team that defeated the Dutch. That defeated the former champions 5-1. That defeated Germany. That defeated Argentina. I just don't get it. I mean, I'm still going to watch the match, and cheer for the ex-Nazis and against the Argentines, but I won't enjoy it. Hopefully.

Okay. And now for our feature presentation.

Reviewing Episode 1: So, Uh, This Is My Team?
Now, before I begin, I have to say something. Trying to dodge spoilers for something that is already well-known is like trying to step across a room coated with shattered glass. One false slip, and you remember it for the rest of your life. That's kinda how I've described Total Drama Pahkitew Island lately, considering the US release wasn't first (and the original release wasn't even in English), and everyone seems to know about the series in general. This is the kind of scenario that stopped me from finishing Sliders, and an altered version of the scenario stopped me from watching anything WWE after WrestleMania 29. Heck, a part of this scenario showed when I was first introduced to this series two years ago, back when Revenge of the Island had wrapped up in Canada while we were starting out in the US, and simply looking at the title pages was enough to give me the dreads.

I could go on and on, but I won't.

Okay, maybe a little more. Now, more TDPI information is seeping in from the Winx Club capital of the world than I could understand, but considering I'm on a fanon site for all things TDPI, it shouldn't surprise me. However, as I mentioned in a signature once, I hate spoilers. It almost (indirectly) stopped me from watching the end of the TDAS finale (I won't spoil the winner, as I am considerate of the brains that are purer than mine), though I sucked it up and tackled it head on.

Informercial: Apply directly to the forehead.

And I wrote an overlook for that episode. And needless to say, TDAS should have another S at the end, it was that bad. (That's the dirtiest I'm going to go.) But now, as mentioned in my previous blog (read here), I'm worried for how this season will turn out. Plus, I'm worried as to how I would evade spoilers. I was shoved so many spoilers into my face that I had to drive blind once (not literally), and if someone gives me any spoilers, I don't know how to handle it, considering I'm not an admin or a mod. Oh, well. They'd call it power abuse anyway.

But let's move on. Considering I already watched Episodes 1 and 2 of TDPI, it feels painful to have to watch it again for the review, because of what happens inside. I'm not saying it's bad. I'm just saying I am and the series is not making much progress by watching the same episodes over and over again. Getting past that, for these episodes, I will review the English versions and cross-reference them with the Italian versions for any irregularities between languages, and exclusively for Episode 1, I will also compare the storyboard with the finished product.

With that settled, let's begin with our little program. Chris introduces the series, as usual.

"Fourteen spanking-fresh contestants..."

Yeah, I'll bet there will be a lot of spanking to do.

"...and a totally brand-new location: A Cree island in western Canada. (transition) As you might recall, during our Heroes vs Villains finale, someone, and I prefer to remain nameless..."

You know someone is a real jerkwad when they make it clear that they did something heinous and yet deny themselves the credit.

"...accidentally destroyed our old island."

I'm surprised you aren't in jail again for doing so. I don't know what's worse: irradiating an island or sinking it to the ground. In fact, were you drilling for fossil fuels? That would explain a lot.

So let's skip through the rest. Chris says that the only things they managed to salvage from the Lost Empire were the confessional and whatever smells reside within. Everything else is gone. No cabins, no cafeteria, probably no dock. And no Febreze, because the contestants could use that for cleaning out the confessional. And yet, they managed to replace the hundreds of cameras they lost back on Wawanakwa. I mean, The Hundreds.

"It'll be the roughing-est roughing-it that's ever been roughed on Total Drama!"

Either that, or the cheapest cheaping-it that's ever been cheaped in the series. I brought the baby birds.

"So, buckle up. This... is Total... Drama... Pahkitew Island!"

And the opening credits retain the same brevity they went for back in All-Stars, but this time, they decide to squish all the sequences you would find from the title sequences of TDI rather than have them all stand in the same place before cut to campfire. That must have taken a while. And a lot of money. And also, did I mention that Pahkitew has an official pronunciation? (Check link here.)

Once we return to the program, we see the contestants arriving by blimp. Which is why I assumed there was no dock on this island. We see Sky offer a stick of gum to Max, and Max replies:

"Your offer of simple confectionery will not save you from the pure evil of me. (Menacing glow included.) But yes, thank you."

Oh, it's the comic relief villain everyone was talking about before the show aired. Something tells me he won't be around. Also, Max acts like he's taken the Cinnamon Challenge after chewing the stick. Doesn't he?

"Heh heh, that guy's a little weird."

And there's Dave, AKA 'The bad parts of Mike and Noah combined'.

"Experiamus!"

And there's Leonard. The LARPer. And wasn't that 'Expelliarmus'? Then again, this is what happens when people try to avoid being sued.

"And there's nothing that can't be made sweeter with a song."

Oh no, it's Ella. I mean, she is a darling, certainly a niece I would like to have, but I don't like people who break out into song. Next.

And we see Beardo, the beatboxer. And Amy and Samey. Or Sammy. Depends on who you ask.

"Ugh. Switch seats with me. Now."

I hope you get yours, too, Amy. And now she's sitting beside Jasmine. No, not that Jasmine. I mean--

"(gasp) Giant!"

Oh, boy.

"Are you and I gonna have a problem?"

Looking back on this, it seems like Jasmine also isn't terribly fond of Amy, too. Hopefully.

"Switch back. Now!"

So much for having cameras every which way.

"Chris? Yo, Chris! Heh heh, I don't get it. Chris? Chris has got to be here somewhere. Anyone seen Chris? You seen Chris?"

And there's Topher. You can easily tell what stereotype he is.

"Stop your fidgeting!"

Oh, that's Sugar. The pageant queen. Which prompts the question: Where did she get to be pageant queen? Or did she use to be more appealing? I don't get it. Some people say she's a clone of Honey Boo-Boo, but I don't really get it considering I don't watch MTV. Or grow up with MTV. Or notice how down-the-tubes MTV was going ever since they opted for reality shows over music videos.

"You scuff my pageant shoes and I'll toss you out the window. You'll be squished flat in 2 minutes."

"Actually, in the first 14 seconds he would fall 1800 feet, but then he would reach terminal velocity and drop 176 feet per second. So, if we're flying at the recommended 32,000 feet, he would hit the ground in 3 minutes and 6 seconds."

Scarlett, everyone. (claps) That's Scarlett. She's basically the Cameron equivalent, except--

Outsider: Except she's a girl, right?

I was going to say she wasn't contained in a bubble for a good part of her life. Speaking of her life, what was it, anyway? I have no idea. Also, this is one of those leaked scenes provided by the Spanish voice actor for Scarlett (who may or may not have been a former star of Hi-5). I had to study a bit to understand what she was saying, but I don't think I was very clueless starting off. 142 doesn't lie. Also... (laughs) did she just guess that they were flying at 32,000 feet? (laughs) No way, San Jose. Chris doesn't do 'recommended'.

"Wow, that girl has some real brains, huh?"

There's Rodney, who we all though would be the farmer of the series, but turns out is more... something else.

"Brains? Whose brains? No one is getting my brains!"

And that is Shawn. Another failed guess at a stereotype, we all thought he was a skater dude. (That would have been very swood.) He's actually some sort of zombie freak. Guess he was a veteran of World War Z.

And now, the blimp is flying through a thunderstorm. So much for recommended-- Wait. Did we do all 14 contestants? (checks) We did. Okay, now it's time for the story to get underway.

"Hello, newbies. Ready for some fun?"

Hm. That materialization on set is rather spooky.

"This aircraft stinks..."

I'm surprised he isn't doing the hotels.com commercials. He would have made a spectacular Captain Obvious.

"...and is equipped with two emergency exits: here, and at the end of the cabin. At said exits, you will find parachute packs. Only half of them contain actual parachutes. The other half contain surprises that will be utterly useless while falling from the sky."

While on the subject, can't you just grab a few parachute packs, take a peek inside them, and detect the packs with actual parachutes? Because a scenario where everyone chances at a parachute seems rather risky.

"Well, hopefully we won't need them."

Jinx.

(engine explodes, everyone scrambles for a parachute and the closest exit.)

Way to go, Sky. You doomed us all.

"This is great. You've outdone yourself, Chris. Parachute?"

Don't need to say who said that, do I?

"Oh, no thank you. I'm actually a hologram."

Wait. A hologram? That must have took out at least 80% of your budget, Chris. For the whole season. Anyway, this freaks Chef out.

"What? Why ain't I a hologram?"

Chris needed someone to fly the blimp. And Chris is too cheap to hire an actual driver. Easy answer. So now, Chef is jumping. Okay, let's see how everyone does.

"The koala says 'cluck' to the platypus flock!"

If you didn't tell until now that Jasmine may be Australian... now you know. Anyway, Jasmine has a good parachute. And speaking of clucks, Beardo's parachute pack is more of a poultry pack.

(insert sound effects here)

As for Amy and Samey (or Sammy), Amy's parachute works, and Samey is hanging on for dear life. What happens next can mostly be summed up in this adaptation:

Samey: Please, would you let your own sister die?

Amy: (thinks) Yes. (pushes Samey off)

But luckily, Samey's parachute works.

"Ugh, fine, you can live!"

I don't know what to say about Amy. Do I love to hate her, or do I simply hate her? There's no clear border between these options. The same can be said for Scott, but a rant about him would be a week-long marathon, so let's continue.

Sky gets a bunch of cats (cats?), making it 3 good packs and 2 bad packs. And Sugar gets another dud, but with a bunch of trophies and... is that a tiara? Did someone pack a tiara inside the parachute packs? And trophies? Wow, the budget can't support this kind of abuse. Keep your valuables safe, people!

Well, at least Sugar is having a blast being crowned Queen of the Freefall.

Now it's Dave's turn, and Dave gets...

"Yep. Feathers. I get it. Funny."

Not anymore, Buzz Killington.

Susan Schein, my high school Algebra teacher: Your parents let you watch Family Guy?!

Listen. Can't a 20 year-old make a joke anymore?

Topher gets a lucky parachute.

"I knew Chris wouldn't let me fall!"

Uh, no. Kissing up to people doesn't usually get you a reward. You just got lucky. Leonard gets a dud (tambourines), and then looks through his spellbook for a flight spell. He's not talking his life seriously, is he?

Chef has a fail pack, Topher has a good pack, Ella does have a parachute, but... it's tied to the teddy bear and not the pack.

"I'm glad you're safe, little bear!"

If this was real life...

Scarlett has a working parachute, and Shawn has a picnic. Not figuratively.

"Normally, I love hot dogs. Right now, not so much."

Depends. Jasmine catches Shawn and Leonard, meaning she's going to get some allies soon enough. As for the others... Most of them fall into the water. And notably, Amy falls on top of Samey.

"Oh, sorry."

I hate you. You're not as bad as Scott (yet), but my hate for you started much earlier in the season.

So, most everyone arrives at the beach (most)... wait, did a little birdie just land Ella safely on the ground? I can only think of one small bird that can do that. A Farfetch'd.

(sting, not rimshot)

"You could've at least given ME one of the parachutes!"

"Shoulda. Coulda. Oops. Didn't. But you're right, and I forgive you."

Chris, that's not how it works. At least you're a character people can love to hate. Unlike Scott.

"Only one missing. Not so bad."

One contestant missing. Max has a bit of time getting, how you say... untangled.

"If you do not release me, tree, you will be burnt to the GROUWWWW--" (oof)

The Simpsons did it first. But besides that, I have to ask: Is this what Max is going to do all season? But, anyway, that's all 14 contestants, and now the teams are being sorted.

"On the right, everyone who had actual parachutes. Scarlett, Topher, Rodney, Jasmine, Max, Amy, and Samey."

"Uh, it's Sammy..."

"Amy says everyone calls you Samey."

"Well, yes, but--"

"Cause you're the second twin. The lesser Amy, if you will."

"But my real name is--"

"You're officially Samey!"

No wonder she's the lesser Amy. She has no morale. Of course I feel sorry for her. But she has to step up. Be bold. Have no fear. Otherwise, she'll end up flipping burgers at McDonald's like everyone else, and I don't want that to happen.

"This is unfair. I auditioned for Total Drama to get away from Amy."

And now for the names.

"Your team will be the Pimapotew Kinosewak, which is Cree for--"

Russ Cargill: --Operation Soaring Eagle!

(Springfield cheers)

Cargill: Which involves killing you all.

(Springfield groans)

"Um, no, sorry. Wrong. That means the Floating Salmon."

Hm. So, Sky's not Asian, she's Cree? That explains a lot.

"Those without 'chutes: Shawn, Leonard, Ella, Dave, Beardo, Sky, and Sugar. Your team is the Waneyihtam Maskwak, which in Cree means Ferocious Ti--"

"The Confused Bears?"

Okay, someone's really off today.

"This is what you get for using a free online translator."

Don't blame Google Translate. They don't even know Cree.

"Anywho, seeing as there's nowhere for any of you to sleep tonight, we figured your first challenge should be... to build your own shelter."

Let's skip this next part, as I want to keep away from any bad fumes. But I'll tell you this: From only that, you might think Beardo is some sort of mastermind. Next scene.

"Each team may take supplies from the common area before they begin to build, but these supplies are guarded by Chef..."

Chef on the tennis ball machine. Figures.

"A glancing blow will sting."

And Dave get's smacked in the forehead.

"Ow! That... only hurt a little."

Worrywart.

"And a direct hit can take you right to the ground."

And Max is hit in the soft parts. I watched the Italian version, and Chris's prerequisite Italian gibberish made this scene even funnier. I'm serious. I replayed the scene over ten times. Which shows, every smack is funnier in another language.

"Team Maskwak will build their shelter further inland. Team Kinosewak towards the beach. Best shelter, according to me, wins the challenge."

And now, we start. The artillery has sent everyone running for cover. And two Kinosewak members are interrupting each other. Sorry, I can't write that. They're saying different things.

"On the farm, it's just me, my dad, and my five little brothers."

I have my two parents, two younger brothers, and two baby sisters. You don't have it too bad.

"I'm kinda used to being in charge."

And I try to take charge, but get ground to a halt whenever I try to make a name for myself. As I said, you're lucky.

"It's always the big guys that are intimidated by me. Small guys, too. And nice girls. I intimidate people."

We're only human. And apparently, Rodney's in love with Jasmine. Okay, that's odd.

"We'll do it her way. It's never wrong to let love be your guide."

You do remember Sierra blew up a stinking jet and got eliminated for it? In the name of love? And look at Amy's face in reaction. She's disturbed. You're right, Amy. That is a bit odd.

Meanwhile, Sky has an idea for Maskwak.

"One pass each, Grab something good, and make your way to--"

"Yeah! She's totally right."

Um, Dave... that's not how you make friends.

"The wood is the most important thing out there, so... If you have something to say, Scarlett, just back it out."

"Um... no, but the wheelbarrow is more important than the wood, because it's a class 2-lever, and with a wheel acting as a fulcrum, you can--"

"We can carry--"

"Carry stuff in it! My idea! Mine!"

That's outright sick! Taking credit for your sister's idea, and actually getting away with it like Eileen the Birthday Girl? And this happens on an everyday basis? Okay, now I'm really ticked off! You're in my Top 2 Most Hated TD Characters Of All Time! With Scott!

(dramatic music plays)

When? When is the comeuppance coming?!

Oh. Shawn is jumping through the tennis ball mess. And got a can of soup. Soup. (pause) Soup. (even longer pause) Oh, boy.

"In my mind, I'm always running from zombies, and if you're not, you're crazy."

Zombies. (even longer longer pause) These stereotypes are making me shake my head in disappointment.

And now we reach the part of the episode leaked by the storyboard. Starting with Amy using Samey (Sammy) as a human shield.

"Hey, stop screaming! You're making us sound weak!"

You're making her sound weak, Amy. Don't get it twisted. As Obama once said: 'We'll see how pretty your face is when my fist has kissed it.'

"Everyone bring something good, okay?"

"I'll bring my face!"

Clever. However, how is it that I'm linking Dave and Topher together, when the two are clearly different?

"Soup? He grabbed soup?"

I'll have to stop you right there. I made that point first.

"I once built a castle using nothing but a sunflower and the eyelash of a dragon."

Hmm. Maybe their definition of 'Castle' varies. Maybe they're talking about the TV show.

"There's no way we can lose. We've got a wizard on our team."

If he is, in fact, a wizard. And, wait, what's Topher doing up with Chris and Chef?

"Well, it's always been a dream of mine to watch you work, LIVE."

Good thing to ask, why do we use the term, 'LIVE' as we do?

"Who am I to deny the dreams of such an intelligent young man?"

Okay, tell me I'm dreaming. Tell me he did not just say that. Chris would never say that. So, they close out with Chris, as usual, but with Topher cheering him on. Okay, that's not so new. Sierra must have been first. Wait a minute, Topher is the new Sierra. Revelation!

Okay, maybe the pre-Cody Sierra variant. Regardless, I need a drink. In that case, it's time for commercials. See you after the break.

(start break)

Announcer: (shows a lollipop) This is your body. This is your body on surfing. (snaps lollipop) Any questions? (A message from the PopCulture False Advertising Fund)

(end break)

Well, that was rubbish. Oh, well. I've had my drink, and now we're back to the action. Where Topher promptly gets thrown into the action. Knew it was too out-of-character to last. Look, Jasmine got the rope. And Chef got the tennis machine working. And there goes Topher's face.

Meme: Don't know if Topher is early-out or finalist.

And it turns out Ella is wearing a skirt and a blouse.

"I was a huge fan of Total Drama World Tour, and..."

You know what? I'm not interested in your singing. Please. Get out of my face. But I do have to say, all the animals look up to her. Who said life isn't a fairytale?

Oh, my, word. Ella didn't notice her animal friend getting pelted by the tennis balls when she picked up the glitter?

"Marvelous!"

"No. Not marvelous. Glitter? Is she out of her mind?"

As my dad once said, if the leaders do something wrong, don't correct them. Then again, he is a backwards 20th Century-ist who doesn't understand the new world he lives in.

"Dave, you draw Chef's fire while Beardo makes a run for the supplies."

Wait, what? You do notice he's not fit to be in this mess, right? Then again, when he gets thrown in there, he manages just fine. Maybe there's hope for him yet. Unlike Beardo. Who was actually hit.

"Come on, ain't there another bucket of glitter somewhere in this mess?"

First of all, anyone who uses the word 'ain't' should be sent to a work camp. Second of all, you're on TV. Or rather, your head is. No, keep it on. It suits you.

"This foe is beyond you. Fly, you fool."

You mean 'flee', right?

"Go back to the shadows of Wawanakwa! You shall not pa--" (gets pelted by tennis balls)

Never infringe on copyright. Never.

And now look at Sky. Such impeccable form. Such agility. Such--

(Chef gets sacked by his own tennis ball)

Such an impact.

"Wowzers. That girl's got some skills, huh?"

Just like in the storyboard. Anyway, both teams can now get materials freely, and they do until the airhorn sounds.

"It's building time! You coming, of do you only want to get paid for half the episode?"

(Don't worry, we're about three-fourths through this episode.)

Meanwhile, Max finds a cave to use as his evil lair. Nothing interesting here. Except that he was spooked out of it.

"It was very dark in there. I prefer something less spooky. Not to worry, no rush, plenty of time to evil."

The haircut suggests something. Now, where have I seen that before?

So, Kinosewak is setting up a good system for their cabin, whereas... Wait a minute, what's that sound of power tools, off in the distance?

"What are they building?"

"Sounds pretty serious."

"All the more reason to work harder."

And we see Maskwak making... Wait a minute, it was a ruse? Beardo made it all up? And the team has no plans at all? Oh, they're screwed.

"What are we gonna build?"

"We have rope, straw, a hammer..."

"...some very pretty glitter..."

"...and soup."

In other words, you're screwed.

"We shall build a wizard's tower."

Okay, maybe we should wrap this up. This isn't going to work.

"What do we do first, Leonard?"

"First, we link arms and chant."

(all but Dave cheer)

This isn't football, and even then, it only works 50% of the time.

"There. All done."

Looks good. For Kinosewak, we have a stable wood-and-scrap cabin in the trees, and hopefully, a ladder can be installed to really make this complete. Kinosewak has made a rather solid entry into the next episode.

"This is nice, and a smart move building it above ground level."

Speaking of solid entries...

"This island is a little more wild than our last one."

What with the herds of animals charging through the place. Like they own the place. And they do. But Max... he's getting pummeled every chance he gets. Which is just sad. This isn't character development. This is a running gag. And it hurts.

And now we see the wizard tower that Maskwak built. Which prompts the question: Are there any floors in it? Or a door? How are they going to sleep in it?

"Well, this is useless."

"But it's not done."

Now for the interior.

"Leave this to the purr-fessionals." (Sugar coats the tower with glitter)

Disappointing.

"Wizard's tower, huh? So, is it moose-proof?"

"Is it, what now?"

What, you didn't hear...? Oh, you were too far away. But now, the team is taking cover as the moose arrive, and surprisingly, despite the creaking and shaking, the tower didn't collapse.

"Huzzah! The beasts of Pahkitew are no match for my wizard's tower."

Jinx. It falls on him. And yet, he didn't get harmed. However, there is a slight tangent missing here, as the storyboard included a scene after this where Leonard was about to exclaim huzzah again, but gets knocked out by a rock in return. Slight blemish, really.

So, Kinoseawk wins, and their reward is...

''"The winners of each challenge will be rewarded this season with a take-out order from a sponsoring restaurant. This week, it's the Petting Zoo Barbecue. The Petting Zoo Barbecue: Someone else touched your dinner. We guarantee it." (wink)''

I honestly like this idea of odd restaurant foods. I mean, when I heard about this from the storyboard, I even cracked a smile. I can't wait to see what other kooky ideas the devs come up with in this regard.

"Team Waneyihtam Maskwak, please go vote. One member of your team is heading home today."

And so we meet in the campfire again, this time with new faces.

"Can I vote for four people?"

If it didn't catch your attention, Dave was referring to the people who earlier supported the wizard's tower idea.

(flashback)

"We shall build a wizard's tower!" (Leonard)

"Oh! Yes! I second that!" (Ella)

"Wizard says, Sugar does. Who's with us?" (obvious, really)

(Beardo raises hand in support, complete with sound effect whistles and bells) (and that's four)

(end flashback)

"The votes are in. If I hand you a marshmallow, you're safe."

So, the marshmallows are back. I like that.

"Sky, Shawn, Dave, Ella, and Sugar, you were safe."

So, as always, the final two. Either Beardo or Leonard will be going home. However, the storyboard spoiled the answer (though I had to have it coming in order to see the inside dev action).

"The last marshmallow goes to..."

(JER fast-forwards)

"...Leonard."

Oh, dumbbells. At the very least, Beardo was entertaining.

"This island is named 'Pahkitew', which is the Cree word for 'exploding'. So, we thought it fitting that this season's mode of transportation home should be something with a bang."

(transition)

"Without further ado--"

(JER fast-forwards again)

"...the Cannon of Shame!"

A cannon. (pause) I'm surprised you aren't serving life in prison after so much damage to contestants past. At the very least, at least show us where the eliminated competitors land this time.

"So long, Beardo."

(cannon sounds, but Chris hadn't hit the button yet)

"Ugh. Enough already!"

(Beardo is actually fired)

''"ITWASREALLYNICETOMEETALLOFYOU..." (voice gets distant)''

Wow. That's just sad. To think, in just one episode, Beardo alone entertained me twice as much as the final episode from last season. I really cracked up with the fake launch, and I wish we could have seen more of him. But at least, he gave us what B couldn't: He actually talked. Granted, it was all slurred together at the last minute, but it's certainly better than how B was launched.

(flashback, S04E03)

(B gets hurled in shame, screaming for his life)

(end flashback)

Curse you, Scott!

"You know what's weird? I already don't miss him." (Chris referring to Beardo. Might as well be referring to B, too.)

I just wish I could strangle Scott myself. And Amy. But getting back to the episode, it wasn't bad. It wasn't the best opening I hoped for, but it wasn't bad. We had a good challenge idea, a good few characters, and a good few moments. But, while I can forgive some unfortunate scenes, there are just some I just can't bear. Max, for example. His attempts on doing evil in the name of evil and getting punished for it, are going to get old, and quickly. And Rodney's crushing on Jasmine, and Dave's annoyability, and... you know... Amy and Sammy. And to a much lesser, but still undeniable extent, the cannon.

But luckily, the show tried to give us what we should love to expect. Topher, and to a lesser extent, Beardo, seemed pretty entertaining. The challenge was original, yet enjoyable, and the rewards we're being promised for finishing challenges seems like a good header to top it off. And some of the character interactions were actually realistic. At least, as realistic as cartoons go. And some moments actually kept me going through the slightest uncertainties.

So, yes, there were some problems, but this is a nice recovery. This is Total Drama sobering up from the aftermath of All-Stars, and while it tumbles here and there, we can clearly see it's trying to go back to its roots. Now, some people like the more off-the-rail versions of this show, and I can understand that. I mean, who doesn't love a little slapstick? But for a season premiere, we need to start with a dash of seriousness before we can achieve any major twists. So, overall, the setup for later episodes is good, and according to my rating system, the episode as a whole gets a Good 45. (72.5/100)

Okay, next blog post, we'll look at the second episode of the Pahkitew Island series, and we're expecting a challenge full of pig sport. This should be intriguing. If you want to get in the know of later TDPI reviews I'll be doing, please leave a comment with your written approval, and I'll send you links to future reviews when I'm ready. Also, don't spoil anything beyond this episode. I need to catch up, and I can only do that after finishing a review for the previous episode. But anyways, see you later.

(end credits roll)

Ordnung und Fortschritt (Talk | Blogs | Contributions) 04:32, July 12, 2014 (UTC)

Oh, wait, I forgot. I just finished watching Beardo's audition tape (I expected such, considering it was in the storyboard), and though he was kinda hard to understand at times, it's times like these that you just have to feel sorry for those who have to go. They always seem to act differently when they know they're being watched, which shows how artificial television shows have become. We hardly get to see the real people in these things. But then again, that's something Fake Souls looks into, so that's not exactly my place.

So... I'll see you.