User blog:SpaceWeather/Things Aren't Always As They Appear

Hey guys, first off sorry about the week long absence. It wasn't my intention to dissapear for a week, but it happened so yeah. Now while I'd like to tell you all my absence was for work, school, activities, or even just me needing a break, that's simply not the case. In fact I've wanted to come here all week, but I was prevented by a force that was entirely out of my control. However, being gone for a week somewhere else has given me the clarity to finally come clean about a few things. As many people here have poured themselves out to me in the past, I think I'm finally ready to pour myself out to everyone. So here goes... I have three actual mental diseases in ADHD, severe social depression, and the last one that hurts the most... pathological lying.

I've been meaning to come out about this for a while now, about a year and a half, but I was always hesitant to do it for some fear or another. Either it'd damage my clean reputation here, undermine me as an admin, make people more distant towards me, the list goes on. I've come to realize though that telling the truth to you guys is way more important to me than any of those things. Y'all have been hoonest with me and have shared some things with me that, I can imagine, were really difficult to share to a stranger online. I mean sure, some of what y'all said is probably lies too, and that's okay as well. I prefer people are honest and upfront with me, but I can't expect that if I'm being such a hypocrite about honesty myself. So I needed to come clean about this, and apologize for holding up a lie for two and a half years with a bunch of people who deserved better than that.

My lies, they're never meant to hurt people, I want to get that out of the way right now. If my lies have affected people on here, then I'm sorry cause it was never my intention to do so. I lie for one of three reasons, to make myself seem cooler/more important, to entertain people when not much else is going on, and to help people when they aren't in great places. Now the final two may be somewhat 'good' goals, but two wrongs have never really made a right. I remember my first blog here was when Nalyd was saying he was going to go much less active going into college. At the time I saw this, and saw an opportunity to make a good first impression here. So I told him I was in college (not true at the time) and that inspite of it he could definitely find time while he was there to come here. It was a small lie meant to reasure a person who meant a lot to this place at the time... but it snowballed into so much more. I never meant for that one small lie to shape an entire persona, one I've been using on this wiki since I got here.

So before I go on one thing everyone should know is that... I really don't like myself in all honesty. I find myself to be an incredibly repugnant individual, who would be better off not existing at all. That hatred for myself stems from my social depression, and it affects what I'm about to say. Space, the character I've been playing on the wiki for the past two and a half years, is meant to be a much improved version of myself. While Space and I share similar interests and hobbies, when it comes to much else Space and I are two very different people. Appearence, physicality, even many aspects of our personality differ. Yet Space has become a bit more than a character to me, he's also began rubbing off on me in the real world. Like I've actually been getting considerably nicer and more confident since I first came to the wiki. In a way I guess Space is me, but just parts of myself that were burried under mounds of crap. I was able to let those aspects of my personality loose here and slowly allow myself to let them affect me in everyday life. However, that's enough of that, I'm here to apologize not go into some deep philisophical rant about self discovery. So I'm going to clear up most of the bigger lies I've upheld since I've been here. But yeah, that's about all I wanted to say. Y'all don't have to beleive what I said here, nor do you have to care. I just wanted to say it. Oh and I wasn't here because I was elsewhere, rather not say yet.
 * 1) So the first and most obvious one is that I'm not 6' 8" and I don't weigh 277... I'm 5' 8" and I weigh 195.
 * 2) I'm currently 19, and when I joined the wiki I was 16.
 * 3) I actually just finished up my first year of college at Hartwick College.
 * 4) I'm studying Economics with a minor in Criminal Justice and currently have a 3.2 GPA.
 * 5) I do not play football in college, in fact I only played football for my freshman and sophomore years in high school before leaving the team to get a job.
 * 6) 'Roni' exists, but she's not exactly who I've said she is.  She goes by a different name, and in reality we were always just good friends and never dated.  She did play along with this whole wiki thing cause she was just trying to help me, but when I said she had left recently she did leave.  She is now dating this douchey kid I know and we haven't spoken in a while cause of distance/him telling her not to.
 * 7) For those who I've detailed my past to... that all happened.  I may have spiced up the stories from time to time in order to make them more appealing, but my dad is who I said he is and so is my mom.
 * 8) A bunch of other small lies I told to spice up situations and make everyone have a good time go here.
 * 9) I'm definitely not as kind as I am irl tbh