User blog:JERealize/Progress Bar: Issue 058 (TDPI Episode 8 Review)

Well, Episode 7 has come and gone, and now it's time for Episode 8. And a whole bunch of stuff has to be explained.

(distant knock on a door is heard)

Oh, I'll get that. (leaves seat and goes off-screen)

(30 seconds later)

(comes back in with an envelope and sits down) I just got a letter. I wonder who it's from. (looks at return address) Weird. It's written in Japanese. Surprised they got my name right. (opens envelope and pulls out note) Let's see what we got...

(one minute later)

(throws away note) Well, this is useless. As I was saying, on to Episode 8.

Power Rankings: TDPI, Version 7.0

 * 8: Max (same position)
 * He's even more pathetic than last time. Completely hopeless.
 * 7: Topher (same position)
 * Oh, Topher. If only your plan fell into place, then you would have ranked just a little bit higher...
 * 6: Dave (down 1)
 * After we found out that Sky+Dave will be artificially split up, well... Dave is about to fall flat.
 * 5: Shawn (up 1)
 * Okay, #5 and #4 were really, extravagantly close to each other, but Shawn just stole a ruby and endangered his team. Really, come on.
 * 4: Sugar (down 2)
 * If Sugar stole a ruby instead of Shawn, then she would be #5. In fact, she fell this far because she's overly dumb, but what she said about Easter Egg hunting... if that's true, she's still a solid physical contender.
 * 3: Sky (up 1)
 * This Final 3, my word. In fact, it's like the girls are taking the lion's share of the ranking recently. Sky's gained some footing from being separate from Dave, but she can still be distrated, so she's a smidge behind the #1 spot.
 * 2: Jasmine (down 1)
 * This Final 2 was super-hard to figure out. But since Jasmine's one flaw proved to be practically fatal... Yeah.
 * 1: Scarlett (up 2)
 * So she proved how dangerous she was when around technology (and trust me, there will be a lot more of it around here), and what's more convincing is that no one suspects her. However, there is always room for disagreement.

Okay, moving on.

Reviewing Episode 8: Three Zones and a Baby
Last time, well... there was a cave. And the island ruined Chris' plans. And no one was eliminated. Besides that, Max+Scarlett and Sky+Dave was split up artificially. So let's move on to... Scarlett watching Sky sleep. (pause) The what?

You're telling me that... Okay, Sky's going to have a hard time adjusting to this team, if the team's even up for that long. Also, Scarlett's creeping me out more and more. We have gone from...

"Use... little... words."

...to...

"...I made his remote-control toys come to life and attack him in the night. Every night. For six years."

...to...

"You were stage two, sleep spindles were low frequency, followed by an intense delta or slow wave. You slept well."

Got to watch this girl. Speaking of watch... those feet...

"Scarlett's alright. A little weird, but harmless."

You know, it's nice that Jasmine is willing to take Sky under her wing. Then again, Jasmine did fail to help Sammy a few episodes prior. I'm torn.

(Sky sighs)

"Fruit makes you sad?"

See what I mean?

"No, I just... I got used to having breakfast with Dave every morning. We were just friends--"

Stop. Stop right there. You were more than just friends. Accept it and move on.

"No, no, no! You can't have feelings for the enemy! I used to have a thing for Shawn, but--"

"Shawn?"

It has just occurred to me that Jasmine only seems to be focused on Shawn. Sammy doesn't count, as she didn't get help.

"But I ended it. The only person you can count on is you..."

Sounds like foreshadowing.

"...and me, while we're on the same team."

(looks up American Heritage Dictionary) Let's see... oh, too far... F, falter... folderol, food chain, food poisoning, foolhardy, forearm, forebode, forecast...

(10 seconds later)

Foreshadow. Found it. 'To present an indication or hint of beforehand.' (closes dictionary) This book is paying out in dividends. (proceeds to look up 'dividends')

"...but no one else. Deal?"

Must... resist... making a reference...

"You're right. And don't worry. I'm a team player. You got a deal!"

(phew) That was close.

Also, needless to say, Shawn is still in lovestruck mode. This has become just as bad as zombie mode. And just realized, we're gearing up for a fraternity/sorority simulation at this point. Not 100% there, but Kinosewak has Sky, Jasmine, Scarlett, and... Topher, while Maskwak has Dave, Shawn, Max, and... Sugar. (pause) Chris, can we switch Topher and Sugar for Boy vs. Girl action?

(Sugar laughs on the ground)

...The huh is she on? (pause) Oh, at Max.

"Evil needs a chiropractor."

Let me count how many characters I hate right now on this show. We have Max for his idiocy, Topher for kissing up to Chris, Jasmine for not helping Sammy out when she needed it, Sugar for being dumb and brutalizing Ella, Scarlett for terrorizing her brother and getting away with it, Shawn for being a zombie freak and lovelorn... (looks up dictionary) ...yeah that's right, Sky for denying her love for Dave, and Dave for not having the manhood to go in headfirst with Sky. Yep, that's a royal flush. (shakes head) You shame me, people.

This is just bad. When you hate all the contestants in a reality show, or in this case reality show satire, and this early in the game, it's...

JonTron: --Bad! It's... redo the game! Throw it out, redo the (bleep)ing game!

But seriously, why would you have eight characters in a game when you hate all eight of them? In fact, out of all fourteen campers in the game, my favorite character of them all is Beardo. There! I said it! The human boombox won over sympathetic, yet self-inept, Sammy; and vulnerable, yet annoying, Ella. Beardo was the only person who didn't tick me off. It's like none of these characters are competent or respectful or considerate, or whatever combination there is. This... This is...

This is beyond words. (pause) I give up, just give me the elimination order already--

Avery FireFlame: (pops in like he's been here all the time) Okay the winner is--

(JER knocks Fire out with giant English-Spanish dictionary) Never mind, I'll go through this myself. (takes drink of water) No matter how hard this may be.

"I do not take orders from talking animals. I give them, and they are evil."

(Sugar falls back laughing)

Let's move on from this massacre.

"Hey, why so glum?"

(Dave shrugs)

"Is it 'cause you thought you and Sky were a perfect couple, and now that she switched teams, you know there's little to no hope of you two ever ever ever getting back together?"

How dare you...

(slap) "Cheer up, saddy. We've got a real live genius-head on our team now."

(facepalms)

"Let's not mess this up like we did with the wizard."

(facedesk)

(Shawn shows up, Dave gets shocked)

So Shawn and Dave have a chat, and Shawn's theory is that now that both their lovers are on the same team opposite from the boys, the girls will talk among each other and aim to reconcile with the boys. (pause) That reasoning is faulty on so many levels, Shawn. (looks up 'faulty') Yep. Also, was that zombie talk at the beginning really necessary?

"Hey. Maybe you're right."

(sigh)

(airhorn goes off)

Oop. Looks like it's time for the next challenge. I really like evolving interactions with each character, so hopefully we get to see some changes around here. And some answers. We still have the island mystery.

So, once we get into the clearing (after seeing Topher look like a doof)...

"...And Topher arrives last, so he gets to eat the rotten egg."

Didn't Sugar express her desire to eat it?

"Lucky for you, it's already in Sugar's stomach."

Yay! Continuity!

(Sugar's stomach growls)

(slightly disturbed) And to make things worse...

(Sugar sends waft of breath to Jasmine, Jasmine blows it to Dave, Dave gets KO'd)

Ah! My character!

"Dave!"

"Don't! He's the enemy, and he'll turn on you the first chance he gets."

This is Jasmine's misdirected hatred for Shawn talking. You see, another reason to hate the show: the characters' grudges are way out of proportion.

"Listen up, campers: Today's challenge is called 'Hush or Die'."

I'm pretty sure he meant 'Dye'. Should probably put a '(sic)' near that sentence.

"The teams have to race through three separate and unique danger zones."

Oh. He meant the other 'die'. (pause) Also, I'm guessing this challenge is to make up for last challenge, which in retrospect, had Chris let it happen, it could be an entire season in and of itself. (And Gideon, I made that grammer error for the sake of amusement.)

"Three zones have one thing in common, though; the noisier you are, the greater the danger becomes."

Okay, so that should be enough exposition for you, right? Let's skip this part and on with--

"These little games may be challenging for old people, but not us. You really need to start thinking younger, Chris."

"Hm, Topher makes a good point."

Oh, no.

"...everyone will have to carry a special something through the entire challenge. It'll make it way harder."

I was afraid of that.

"Everyone say, 'Thanks, Topher."

"Thanks, Topher."

Never heard it like that before. Nice touch.

"Okay. Release the babies!"

Release? That can't end well.

"This can't be legal!

Surprisingly, they all catch their babies. (pause) Well at least the name of the episode is accurate. Mostly.

"Shhh... they're sleeping."

Also, is that all they can do to draw babies? Draw little faces with blankets wrapping them in a cocoon? I mean, that stuff is common, but it looks off.

"There, there, baby-wayby. Stay sleepy-weepy for Maxy."

Don't know if I should feel amused or disturbed.

"And... go."

So it is that the teams set off through the challenge, through the lion dwelling, and Dave stepped on a bone. Why am I not surprised? Luckily, that didn't set them off. Unluckily...

"Here's the plan. We maintain our lead on them, and wake up the danger we've already passed, and then let them deal with the lions."

Okay, Jasmine. That's kinda dark. I know it's Shawn and all, but... girl. Please. And Topher, please take better care of your baby.

"Well, but Dave..."

"They... are... the... enemy."

I'm liking Jasmine less now.

So Sky gives the approval, despite her regrets, and the trap goes off on Maskwak. But there is... one more thing...

"What the--?"

Another disappearing tree. And mechanical whirring. (pause) What is this island?

(clip from Gravity Falls plays)

Island Monster (Gravity Falls, speech playing backwards): You have awoken me from my slumber! Enter my mouth, children! Enter your destiny! RAAAH!

Dipper (also Gravity Falls, normal speech): It's getting closer! (beat) Keep--!

(whole clip falls into disarray at end)

(beat) Oop.

While Jasmine is distracted, Sky pulls off a biting snake from Dave before parting ways.

"Okay. That was just a parting gift. From here onward, Dave and I are enemies. Totally."

"We're gonna be together forever! Totally!"

And again. Mixed messages.

With that out of the way, Max is trying to... mind-meld? What? You're serious? (beat) Okay, prepare the backfire machine.

"Socks the Snake, I command you to--"

(snake hisses, Max is taken by surprise, baby wails)

Luckily, Sugar got his back. And Max seems like a magnificent baby tamer. This could advance his character, provided no one messes up this path.

''"Is that your evil-weevil baby?" (chuckles) "I could laugh at you all day long!"''

This includes Sugar.

(Max trips over lion)

And the lions.

"Shhh, team. We're almost out."

(Topher dials, lion wakes up)

Wow, really? Topher doesn't even care anymore. There had better be some decent payoff for this; otherwise, I'd be happy to see him fed to the lions.

"I figured it was the network texting that I was replacing Chris as host, but no! It was his mom sending him a cute picture of a cat sleeping in a shoebox!"

CURSE YOU, INTERNET!

(somewhere across the country, Timmy Turner gets the shivers)

"...and I'll put this phone on vibrate."

I thought he could at the very least redeem himself somehow, but he's a lost cause, plain and simple. Then again, everyone here fails. I'm going to take a break. I really need to relieve myself of this stress.

(eight weeks later)

Okay, sorry about that. I'm really late on this, but you know how it is when someone tells you the events of Half-Blood Prince while you're a startup reading Goblet of Fire. You get really disoriented. Anyway, let's continue.

"On three, we run. One--"

"No, stay! Sky, catch!"

This is getting interesting. Scarlett jumps on Jasmine's back and waves her arms and makes loud noises to scare the bear. Well, I heard from somewhere that it works.

"Whoa! What just happened?"

So... we'll let this touching teamwork scene go to waste. It's the show's decision, not mine. The show wants it that way.

"Don't run from lions or bears. Show them you're the boss."

You're scaring me.

And Shawn swept ahead of Team Kinosewak, and so easily? How?

"Sleeping cats and oversized poisonous worms with fangs are nothing compared to the zombie apocalypse."

Well... okay. At least it's a better excuse than this:

Armando: You just drove your car into solid granite!

Kick: Told you I was fast.

Armando: But you broke the laws of physics!

Kick: Laws were meant to be broken.

I'LL DEAL WITH YOU LATER!

"I'm glad to see you made it, not that I doubted."

"Save the flattery for someone who cares."

Again. Too harsh. Why is this show like this?

"Since all of Kinosewak made it through the lion's lunch, they're ready for the Pasta Blasta!"

I don't know what to say about the pasta gun, in all honesty. It was a good idea when it was first introduced, but now it's getting stale. Probably like the pasta? Then again, it makes for some funny moments.

"Hahaha! Level 3!"

"Time to step up your game, or I'm gonna step on your game."

Topher, really? You're falling to #9 on my list now, which I thought was untouchable after we entered the Final 8.

"She's right! Time to show those network execs what I've got."

This is going to be painful, isn't it?

(camera nods)

Figured.

"Check it. Five years of on-camera poise classes."

Wow, he's actually good at this.

"Get ready for the Topher experience! Oooh! Ahhh!"

And he blew it.

(Chef nails Topher with bazooka)

Now that time... that's just sad.

"Uh-oh! Here comes Pasta Bear!"

"Quick, Sky, untangle him! Scarlett, jump up and scare the bear!"

Topher, you sicken me. Really, you do. It's like the Missy build-up in Doctor Who Series 8 (which just ended by the way), except instead of just adding nothing, Topher's build-up makes things worse.

"Did I forget to tell you that Pasta Bear is running on smell?"

Oh, that's just cold. I did not expect that. Now that's a good twist. Too bad it's only to end badly.

"Isn't that Bling Bear wearing a--"

Yes, he's the same bear! We know!

"Thanks for coming back for me."

Dave, what happened to you? (looks back at notes) This makes no sense. We missed something. How come the only time the contestants really get beat-up is offscreen? With not even a smoke cloud or anything?

"Oh yeah! Go Sugar! That's me! I'm Sugar!"

Seriously, Sugar, stop! You're disturbing me.

"Um, where's your baby?"

(facepalm)

It's back in the challenge... atop a wound snake...

"Uh-oh..."

...which is in turn atop a lion? Really?!

"Oh, come on!"

Okay, to the creators of Total Drama: You've had six years with us (well, technically two for me, but for the more hardcore fans it's six), and you still stick with the "All Teenagers Are Idiots" trope? It's kinda getting old. It's time to get serious, and I don't mean making the contestants go into challenges that could easily kill them. (There, I said the 'K' word!) I mean, actual, meaningful stories, and challenges that don't degrade them, but rather add on to them. No gimmicks. No wonder lots of people think TDI was the best season ever; they never used gimmicks before, and we never got to see those gimmicks before. Now, they do it again and again, and this has to stop. It's still acting like it's in its infancy, and it's not. Okay? I'm sorry I have to say this, but this show has to GROW UP.

Man, as if there wasn't enough concern over putting babies in danger...

"It's just like the time I took my little brother to town and lost him. Little, uh... little... I can't even remember his name."

(facepalm)

Sugar goes back and gets the baby, no worries. Really? My word, this is really out of order.

"Make a lion eat a snake! Woo-oo-oo! Scratch that off my bucket list!"

"Yeah, you scare me quite a bit for a living person."

Meanwhile in Zone 2...

"...do they have what it takes to catch up to Kinosewak? Unless Kinosewak figure out their problem soon, I'd say yes."

So Topher is now free and running from the bear, and...

"Don't leave me! We all have to cross the finish line to win, remember?!"

He does have a point. I'd like to make a shameless promotion again, but I think you get I would resort to that.

Unfortunately... well, the rest of the team is sent flying as Topher has to fend for himself. But now I realize... Team Amazon!

"Oh, no! We're near the start again!"

Now Neo-Amazon goes running, and Dave saves Sky from a horn incident. I'll say no more.

"Remember what we talked about earlier. Are you a team player or a team traitor?"

Jasmine, have you no idea that a member of the opposing team just saved your bacon? (beat) And I thought Amy was bad.

"Pick. Now!"

And so Sky alerts Chef to spaghetti-cannon him, much to Dave's baby's delight. (thinks) You know, maybe it's my willingness to let bygones be bygones talking, but I think this whole Jasmine/Sky dynamic could end out alright. It depends on how it's played.

"Sky, how could you do that?"

As I said, could. The whole Sky/Dave dynamic has a major chance, in fact quite a few, of ruining this for me.

"A little pepper from our last takeout meal should do the trick."

(pause) You know what? I'm not going to nitpick this time.

So Max aims to sabotage the other team, but Sugar shows up and ruins it. As much as I'm sure everyone likes a good comic relief villain, I don't. They don't substitute for actual villainry in the show, and I find the act of making Max enjoyable unpleasant.

"I lost Sky. Nothing matters anymore. Just leave me here."

It's the Dave/Shawn dynamic to the rescue!

"No can do. We all gotta finish or we lose the challenge!"

Yes, I get that part, okay? But anyway, Dave is freed, and the group moves on...

While Sugar prefers eating Max out over rescuing him. (beat) As sure as this has some appeal with the audience, I don't see it.

"Back off, furball!"

Did... did she punch a bear?

"This ain't dinner for two!"

She did! She punched a bear!

"Find your own grub!"

At this point, I'll take anything.

"Looks like Kinosewak is going to cross the second finish line first."

It looks alright, but then we reach this scene.

"Oh-oh-oh-oh! Hold up for a second. I have all four bars!"

"If you keep us from winning, you'll wish you'd never met me."

(long pause, then turns to Computer Server Maintenance Guy) How much does it register on the Creep Meter?

CSMG: About 78 percent.

(turns away) Jeez. Okay, I don't know about you, but I'm seriously reconsidering having Scarlett as a friend. Or maybe Ashley, for that matter.

"Congratulations, Kinosewak. Still in the lead, and just one more zone to go."

Wait a minute, if this mountain still exists after the challenge, then can't Topher come back to it after the challenge to get his calls?

"First, I need you to hand in your babies."

Um... what? (realizes) Oh, finally! Well, there go the Drama Babies. Will they have stories to tell after this.

"So you, uh, didn't have a backup plan, to uh..."

Don't. You. Dare.

"Okay, seriously, why haven't I seen this part of the island before?"

Sorry, I have no valid way of answering that.

"It's like it just popped into existence."

"Nope. Always been here."

I think... maybe... Chris is trying to fool everyone. Just a thought.

So Shawn and Dave arrive, and I hope this can be good...

"Please, just let me quit."

You know, if this is the reason everyone seems to hate Sky for some reason I can't find out what because of spoilers, I don't think I should hate Sky as much as I should hate Jasmine.

"I didn't carry you through four hundred meters of bear-infested, booby-trapped--"

Watch your language! We use feet in this part of the world.

"--terrain so you could bail! You think Sky wants to date a quitter?"

Or Shawn. Jasmine or Shawn.

Luckily, Shawn's rant gets cut short due to the reminder of all that snowpack.

"Get up and show her you're a champ."

I'm going to slide through this part. Basically, Dave can't move even if he wanted to.

"Aw, man."

And Max has grown so attached to his baby that he doesn't let him go until threatened to by Chef. I have to admit, that gag was okay. Only okay.

"Stay evil, my mini-minion."

Something tells me Max still has it.

And as the two teams step carefully at neck-to-neck, Topher gets a call and... It's Chris, isn't it?

"It's time we put Chris out to pasture. You interested in taking over the show?"

3... 2... 1...

"...Yes!!"

Okay, do I really need to replay this clip from before?

"Everyone say, 'Thanks, Topher."

"Thanks, Topher."

"And it's Maskwak for the win."

Now it's time for an all-girl team to make a premiere on this show.

"But before we go any further, Max, we need the baby back."

Figures. But Max, make sure this is the end of this gag, okay?

We're here at the campfire, and it's a no-brainer (no offense, Shawn) as to who's going home. But maybe not.

"And, I'm ecstatic to announce that--"

"YOU'RE eliminated, Chris! Ha!"

"Who, me? Whatever do you mean?"

Topher did receive a call from the network. And the call was about putting Chris out to pasture.

"Newsflash: Chris is going home and I'm taking over the show!"

(everyone gasps)

"I got the phone call from the producers during the challenge. That's why I cheered, and that's why I don't care that we lost, because I am now in charge!"

Anyone notice that Chris still has a smug face put on?

"Oh, Topher, sorry to say, but there's been a change of plans."

(sigh) Yeah, it was Chris. And yeah, Chris wanted Topher out. It's sad, really. I would have liked a new host. I would have even liked to see Blaineley be the sole host at this point.

"But why the sunglasses and mustache? He couldn't even see you."

I have to agree with Chef on this one. It makes little sense.

So Topher is out, and I have to say, concept wasted. Really? All that build-up for nothing? I would have liked it better if Topher became a new host. As for the episode itself, it still lacks a lot, mainly because of the contestants. The challenge itself was really nice, but the characters are mainly intolerable. Though I liked Max and think Sky is not at fault, I don't like Shawn, I slightly dislike Dave, and I reeeeeeeeeeeealy don't like Jasmine. I know Jasmine hates Shawn's intact guts, but she's taking this hate too far. I still can't treat Sugar seriously, and it's too soon to determine what to think of Scarlett, but Topher... as I said, I would have liked his actions if he succeeded.

As for the island itself, really? Seriously? This had better be resolved by the end. Okay, done here.

The character development and challenge activities were well-balanced, so I can say that... when the development is good. It's seriously getting tense here with all this harshness, and I'm worried as to how this will end for these contestants. And when I'm worried about the future of the show, that's not good. Also, this rating may seem biased due to the time I had to spend writing this, but I'm giving this story a Good 26 (63/100). It's okay so far as the plot, but it feels as uncomfortable as shopping for your significant other.

Again, sorry for submitting this so late. School and all that. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to listen to a free album to let out some steam. I'll see you next time.

(end credits)

Listened to U2's new album. "Oh, no, not U2." Oh, no, not you too. (Talk | Blogs | Contributions) 23:19, November 29, 2014 (UTC)