User blog comment:DJ Spenstar/No Boundaries Preview!/@comment-1874924-20100620182048

A few more thoughts on the preview:

My understanding is that most Pokemon don't talk. The fact that "Shane" does so in the battle scene, therefore, struck me as a clever way to tip off the knowledgeable reader that the battle was a dream sequence.

Although you expressed concern about purple prose, there is a potentially greater trap in this story: because this isn’t a Pokemon wiki, you must beware of assuming too much on the part of the reader. In other words, it’s possible (however farfetched this may seem) that I might not be the only person on this wiki who doesn’t already know everything there is to know about the Pokemon universe. That’s partly why I suggested having some description, in most cases, when a new Pokemon type is introduced. An exception would be that “Sullivan” doesn’t really need any more description than what you provided. His type name and doglike behavior should be enough to clue in the casual reader.

A couple of your descriptions are questionable. Descriptions like “X symbols taking the place of his eyes” and “the scene shifted to the same Spenny in his bedroom, sleeping” sound like directions to the animators for a movie or TV episode. If that’s the feel you want, that’s fine; but if you want the story to read more like a novel, then you should generally avoid “stage direction” descriptions.

Speaking of description; as I noted before, there are times when you want to be brief, and times when you want to go into more detail. I have already addressed the occasion of Spenny inspecting his first captured Pokemon. Likewise, when he first encounters a wild Pokemon, you might want to give a brief rundown of its major appearance traits before identifying the type. This would mimic Spenny’s seeing it and then identifying it, either from his knowledge of the subject or by whipping out his Pokedex (or whatever the electronic field guide is called). Other Pokemon types could be introduced in much the same way, with variations in technique to avoid a repetitive feel.

I thought the battle scene was well written, on the whole, and I thought the level of detail was good for battle scenes in general. Because this scene opens a chapter, though, you might want to put in more detail--not because the reader needs it, but to “set the table”, as it were. Likewise, if you want to go purple or borderline-purple anywhere in your writing, a dream sequence is a good place to do it, both to help distinguish the dream from “real world” action and to underscore the often-surreal quality of dreams. Even with a dream sequences, though, you don’t want to go overboard at the start Chapter 1, lest you scare off readers.

With that in mind, let’s take another look at your battle scene. Here’s how I might have written it if I wanted to use the scene to “set the stage”. Note that some of the differences between our versions are added detail, whereas others merely reflect differences in how you and I turn phrases:

''The blue, dragon-like creature rose above the battling stadium, gaining altitude with every beat of its great red wings. Reaching the altitude it sought, this mighty Pokemon, called a Salamence, gave a tremendous roar and wheeled about to face its adversaries below: A Smeargle, and the mysterious, shadow-shrouded man who was its trainer. The pair cowered in anticipation of the attack that they knew was coming.

“Flamethrower!” shouted the trainer at the other end of the field, his green eyes shining with passion. Even the lad’s spiky brown hair seemed to shine with the passion behind that command.

“As you wish, Spenny,” the Salamence called back in a deep, masculine voice. Diving upon its foe, the dragonoid gaped, and great gouts of flame shot forth, bridging the rapidly shrinking distance between the combatants.

Smear! yelped the Smeargle, as the flames made contact and built to a small but powerful explosion. When the smoke cleared, the painter lay on its belly [or, “lay prone”], covered in soot, motionless.''