User blog:TDIwriter/Possible Hiatus

I might be taking a break from writing, for I'm not sure how long. A lot of crap has been happening lately. I've been having a lot of disturbing dreams, so I may need to see a therapist. My girlfriend and I may be breaking up, after nearly three months. My longest relationship. She still has feelings for an ex, and she doesn't want to hurt either of us...I may end up conceding, so that she can be with her ex, and they'll be happy at least. I'm the kind of guy who is strong for other people, emotionally, I support others, I tell them everything will be fine, and I help with problems. She was crying a lot, on the phone, and at school. I told her I would be there for her if she needed me, we said our 'good-nights' and our 'I love you's'. When it comes to my own problems, I'm an incredibly weak person. I made sure she knew that all I want is for her to be happy, and that her happiness is much more important than mine, and that I'd do whatever it taks to make her happy, even if it means I'm not in the picture anymore. She said she didn't want to break up, and she didn't want to lose me, but at the same time, she was confused and lost. If I lose her, I'm going to be unspeakably upset. We shared something with each other that neither of us can take back, and we've spent long hours talking on the phone nearly everyday since we've been dating, (72 days, to be exact). Last night was the first time since I was eight years old that I really, truly cried. It was also the first times in years I made my mother stay up with me until I fell asleep. Looking back, I feel slightly embarassed, since I'm far to old for that, in my mind. In addition, my social phobia and paranoia have been eating away at me, I'm afraid, a lot of the time. Sometimes I'm even afraid to talk to my parents. Thoughts that I haven't had in years have come back to haunt me, and newer, more dangerous thoughts have begun to form If I do leave, I'll be back in time for my 16th birthday, (about three months from now). I may leave, I may not. It all depends on what happens and how I'm able to handle it.

Sincerly, TDIwriter.