User blog:JERealize/Progress Bar: Issue 055 (TDPI Episode 5 Review)

Welcome back. As usual, now it's the time for more review-based action.

(August 22, 2014)

Power Rankings: TDPI, Version 4.0
So far, Beardo, Leonard, 'Samey', and Rodney were eliminated, and some deserved elimination over others. But none of them placed last in the ranking immediately before they were eliminated. (In fact, I forgot, I still didn't make a ranking in the far beginning as to which characters I would like and which I would dislike. Well, it's kind of too late for that.) So, let's begin ranking the Final 10.


 * 10: Topher (down 1)
 * Yeah, it's clear that he's long worn out his welcome. But he's still around because he's not as irritating to the contestants as he is to Chris. But Chris is the host, so maybe...
 * 9: Ella (up 2)
 * She's gotten better. Slightly. Yet the distance to last place from here is small.
 * 8: 'Amy' (down 1)
 * I'd hate to say it, but I said it last time. She's really in an uncomfortable position these days.
 * 7: Scarlett (down 1)
 * Did you remember her at all from last episode? No? That's what I thought.
 * 6: Max (down 1)
 * He did nothing to prove his evil this episode, and he and Scarlett fall a bit. Unless the two prove themselves, they're going.
 * 5: Dave (down 2)
 * Okay, he didn't make much of an impression last episode, but he's not that far from...
 * 4: Sky (same position)
 * It's clear she's weakening up, but the only reason she's this far up is because she can be good, so long as she isn't distracted by Dave. Which is not often.
 * 3: Sugar (up 5)
 * When I started this ranking, I never thought this character would reach this ranking's Final 3. But she's easily more competent than most everyone else here... surprisingly even Sky.
 * 2: Jasmine (same position)
 * Okay, she didn't do much last episode, but she's still capable. I'll give her that much.
 * 1: Shawn (same position)
 * Once again, he's up here, not because I like him, but because he is still competent... unlike half the cast here.

Reviewing Episode 5: A Blast From The Past
Wow, the title alone promises so much. What will it be? Veteran contestants? A classic challenge from the days of TDI? Maybe a locale change? Or Fang? (I somehow appreciate Fang.) But then again, if you were disappointed by the Doctor Who episode 'Let's Kill Hitler', you would know that names don't always yield good results. (But still, my money's on Izzy.)

Let's begin.

"On the last episode of Total Drama..."

We have an electroshock challenge where Chris harasses Amy and Ella, Max is proven to not be scared of nothing, Sky and Dave almost kiss... almost, but not at all...

Ad Council: Don't almost give. Give.

Shut up, I'm narrating here!

...and Rodney is punished for having too many love interests and no way of communicating properly with them. And I'm pretty sure Agent C went the way of Agent T. (Thumbs up if you get the reference.)

"Who's next to let their team down in a hilarious and hurty way? Find now, on Total... Drama... Pahkitew Island!"

So we start out on a moonlit night where something comes ashore. Covered in seaweed. I can think of a few things it could be. (You know what, I'm not betting anymore. I'm taking the money back.)

Meanwhile, Shawn's on the lookout. Alone. And I have to wonder, would Shawn+Jasmine actually work if they're on separate teams? Inter-team alliances can get messy. (Insert shameless plug-in here.)

"She's cool, and she's accepting of my lifelong mission to keep my brain from being eaten by the undead. Oh, great! Ding-ding! Full points!"

Don't ever do that.

"But falling for her means I gotta protect her brain and mine! Hah. That's a deal-breaker."

But rather unluckily for Shawn, something comes roaring in below the branches. The creature from earlier.

"Z-z-zombies! I'm outta here, man!"

Good. I didn't really like you anyway. (pause) Then again, this could be Shawn's episode if zombies were true.

Cut to day. (pause) Wait what?

"...And I guess that's when I decided I wanted to become an Olympian."

(pause) What just happened here? These things always kind of irritate me. The part when someone finishes up a story that basically sums up something important about that character or a previous scene or whatever. If only we knew what Sky had said...

"Sometimes you just gotta go for it, right?"

Dave, I'm looking at you.

"I wanna tell Sky how I feel. She's all I can think about. I just hope I don't do that thing I always do."

Oh dear. Not again.

"My older sister is my role model."

At least your older sister isn't a jerk. (Here's looking at you, Amy.) Or a blubbering idiot. (Here's looking at you, Rodney.) Or doesn't care about what his other brother tries to do. (Here's looking at you, Jose.) Wow, I'm feeling shelly today.

"She almost made it onto the Canadian Olympic Team for rhythmic gymnastics."

"Is that even a real sport?"

(pause)

"I always thought it was a halftime show thing."

Dave, stop.

"It's just ribbons and music and useless running-around..."

I said stop!

''"...looks so silly and..." (notices Sky) "Uh-oh."''

(covers head with hands) Oh, Dave, I thought you have changed.

"Yep. It's happening."

So both Dave and Sky have awkward and painful moments, and now it's time for Dave to pay for his.

"I like you. What I want to know is, do you like me too?"

"Who stares at a girl and says 'I like you'? That's not how it works!"

Okay Sky, you try telling that to me. I'm twenty years old and I still don't have a girlfriend yet. You could try to argue that Sandra was my first, but I told her that we're not boyfriend-girlfriend until sometime in the future. And that didn't happen because I found out she wasn't for me. The hard way.

"You're supposed to write it on a note, and give it to a friend of the person you like. Then she tries to pass it to the girl, gets caught by the teacher, and the teacher reads it out loud at the class. Everybody knows that!"

And that's why society will crumble by the time the Millenials get a hand on it. Which, by my count, is not long now.

And Sky belches. Can we please skip this scene?

"So, was that belching yes or a no?"

"It was an 'I like you too' burp, but--"

"Don't want to hear the but."

Agreed. (And yes, the double-entendre card is at play here.)

"Wakey-wakey, campers. Everyone gather down by the lake."

Well, that got everyone'a attention. So all 9 campers... Nine? What happened to Shawn? First a battleship, then missing campers? What's next, a war simulation? (Insert shameless plug-in here.)

"Sugar, can I talk to you for a sec?"

"You can talk to me, but I ain't gonna listen."

Come on, Sugar, let Ella talk. Also, tongue. Watch it.

"I'm not allowed to sing, so I wrote you a friendship poem."

Oh dear, they're the same thing, aren't they? (camera nods) Oh no.

"Here's a poem to stick in your earholes."

If you do another 'roses are red, violets are blue' ripoff, I'm not going to listen.

"Roses are red..."

You are, are you? Okay, guys, cut it.

(test card plays for a few seconds)

Are we in the clear? (camera nods) Good.

"You know, they say the meanest people are the ones who have a hard time believing in themselves."

I hope so, Sky. I hope so.

"Professor Abomination. Too soft. Doctor Repugnance. Too smelly."

Oh look, Max is coming up with cute names.

"Little Mr. Dredulocks."

That will never do.

"Me likey."

"Working on a new name?"

Oh look, it's Scarlett. Haven't seen you last episode. Outside the love cam.

"Yes. I already got my catchphrase. 'Time to evil!' But I still require a sinister moniker."

I still can't believe Scarlett is so interested in Max. I mean, wow. You do realize he could betray you at any moment, right?

"They all sound so good. How will you decide?"

"Silly girl. One doesn't pick an evil name. The evil name picks y--"

(oof)

And somehow, Topher doesn't feel it. And... I can see why.

"Okay, that's enough. Cue the effects, Chef."

"Chris, you look... different today."

Facelift, I'm guessing?

"Just my natural youth shining through."

And Topher and Chris have an exchange. Rather different, but I don't know...

"Is this the challenge? We gotta make up kooky words?"

And Sugar humiliates herself. Lovely. This scene makes no sense here.

"Slotox, that's it!"

He means botox.

"Chris's forehead has less lines than an extra in a movie set."

(pause) No. I won't burn anyone.

"Wait. This is bad. A younger-looking Chris means I might never get a shot as host."

Actually, having you off the show sounds good for a change.

So the challenge is to cross a floating board to get a stick from the other side and bring it back, and repeat until three Xs are formed. And apparently, since the two boards provided are parallel from each other, the contestants can stop each other by whacking each other off the boards. Smart. I may like this. But I have to ask, where's Shawn, and what's the meaning of the creature?

"This will be awesome to see!"

"What is your fascination with seeing us hurt each other?"

In another person, I would appreciate that commentary, but remember, you're Amy.

"If anyone gets my hair wet, they're dead."

I hate you. (That's good, by the way.)

"Um, where's Shawn?"

Oh, now you ask.

So long as you ask, Shawn's covering himself with fish guts.

"Oh yeah, my brain is working just fine."

This is Shawn's episode, all right.

"I hope's he's okay."

For your sake, I hope so, too. Then again, if Shawn isn't found, he could very well be the next one out.

"Plus, another player on the team will be done-zo, and that means Maskwak loses two tonight."

Now that's a twist. Let's see how this goes.

And the players swim over to their docks. Without swimsuits, might I add. Is this the first cast so far to not have this?

"Dang! Why did our bathing suits have to get lost in that blimp crash?"

I guess so.

"I wanted to show off the swimsuit that won me the Little Miss Porkrind Pageant."

"Oh! I would have loved to have seen it."

Um, Ella... now that's pushing it.

Soon enough, almost everyone's ready for the challenge, and Jasmine seems to be drifting off into space. Dave and Topher start, and Topher gives himself a speech. Who wants to bet that this will cost Topher?

"Looks like Topher is a natural, in both the talent and beauty department. Like a younger version of a famous host we all know and--"

(airhorn sounds)

Looks like he won't be having that.

And the two run back with their sticks... while completely missing each other.

"Seriously? Start hurting each other! Or I'll get bored, and that will be bad news for all of you!"

Next up is 'Amy' and Sugar. And looks like they have their own... motivations.

"Just pretend she's Amy. Just pretend she's Amy."

"Just pretend she's Ella."

"Mom hates you!"

"Pixie wannabe!"

Here it comes...

"You ain't never gonna be nothing but a donkey!"

Looks like we have a barbarian Gordon Ramsey on our hands.

"Ugh! You're the worst sister ever!"

You know, even though this gets a few confused glances, I have to admit that this is a good scene. Having the two vent out while competing against each other? That makes some good entertainment.

"A little better, but I'm still bored!"

Chris' face is starting to creep me out.

"Release Scuba Bear!"

Oh, so that's what it was. 'Amy' made it across while Sugar suffered a brutal whacking.

"You should go next."

"Hm. Let that bear fill up on the others first."

"And miss out on an opportunity for evil?"

Scarlett's really buying out on this 'evil' craze, isn't she?

But still. Max and Ella are next.

"Hello, over there."

"You're closer to doom than you realize!"

So Max's new evil plan is to wrap a wire around his stick and use an electric eel (provided by Scarlett) to shock the competition away. Rather smart.

"TIME TO EVIL!"

And Ella is sent flying into the water. (pause) That was somehow scary when I think about it.

(collective camper gasps, Sugar laughs)

And now I think everyone gets the message that Max is evil. (smirks) Okay, the reactions were priceless.

"Best. Day. Ever!"

"Looks like Max just found his mojo!"

''"Did you see that? I have never pulled off such cool-looking evil! Pure sinister gold!" (evil laugh)"''

So far, the challenge isn't letting us down, but I have to wonder, why is the episode called 'A Blast From the Past?'

''"Do you know where I can find the white rabbit?" (faints, splash)''

(smirks) Wow, I'm messed-up. (sets scene on repeat)

(sudden burst of light, JER coveres eyes until it dies down)

(JER sees a portal with himself on the other side) Oh, my word...

2013 JER: (concentrated on own work) Apparently, you're not funny, either. Just don't talk.

I think something happened in spacetime. I'll go check. You just stay and watch the commercials. (steps into portal)

(commercial break)

JERnet Announcer: Did you miss the season finale of Revelation? You can still watch it, with JERnet Homebase. We contain all shows and specials broadcast on JERnet and JERnet Experiment, and add new ones the day after it comes out on TV.

Random Guy 1: So I can catch up on World In Progress?

JERnet Announcer: You can do that.

Random Guy 2: How about Scars of the Dead Man?

'JERnet Announcer: You can do that, too.

Random Girl 1: And Holiday Premiere?

JERnet Announcer: It's all there! And pretty soon, we'll have some of your favorite shows and movies from outside JERnet. You can also share the experience of watching your favorites with others with Buddy Links. Sign up for the alpha while you still can, and get a guaranteed 24-month subscription for only $4 a month. Don't wait, because when we reach beta, we're going to raise the price. Remember, only $4 a month for all your favorite JERnet and non-JERnet content. But you have to get it now. Go to jernethomebase.jn and start watching now!

(end commercial)

(shot of nothing with the portal beside it)

(JERnet test card is shown for the next minute)

(shot returns to JER) Sorry about that. You know, past stuff got in the way.

Image of Gusteau: If you focus on what you've left behind, you'll never be able to see what lies ahead.

Uh, don't you have a rat to console?

Image of Gusteau: (slowly fades away)

(pause) Okay, back to the show.

"...I'm sorry, I fell in."

So now Maskwak is recovering from... electrotherapy--

"That was a low blow! In my world, unsportsmanlike conduct gets penalized!"

Uh, wait, what did Dave do? I don't think Dave did anything.

"I saw what you did! See you on the way back, cheater-teamer!"

It's Scarlett and Sky next, and Sky doesn't look too happy. And in a miraculous effort, Sky swings, but Scarlett dodges, leaving Sky's force to send her into the lake. Clever use of physics.

"Scarlett makes it back to complete the second X."

And where's Shawn? If he isn't here (and he's supposed to be next), it's all over.

"And now it's Dave's turn to go up against Team Kinosewak's most capable player..."

Wait, they're still going without Shawn? Also, just like to point out, Chris has the 'most capable' part right.

"This is gonna end badly."

It's Jasmine vs Dave, and Jasmine seems to be standing there. Because of Shawn. This will swing Jasmine lower on the rankings.

"Enjoy your swim!"

And there goes Jasmine.

"Yes! Score another for the Dave man."

And look, Dave loves it! You know--- Uh, I can't concentrate with Chris' weird grin. Hate to say it, but wish the poison would kick in.

"And still no sign of zombie-fighter Shawn."

(Shawn walks around like a zombie in another part of the island)

Uh, that's not how you keep the zombie threat at bay.

"Gotcha."

Looks like Chef found Shawn. Here we go.

(two seconds later)

(Chef carries Shawn along)

That was fast. Looks like finding a replacement Izzy's harder than people think.

"Chef! You're you! Uh, good. Listen. Zombie apocalypse. Here. We can hide behind that waterfall."

Ron Jakowski: I'm not paranoid. I'm not even delusional.

"What? the waterfall, it's... it's gone."

"You must be hallucinating from the stink."

Wait... Play that clip again.

(clip plays again)

Pause it right there.

(clip pauses)

My word. It's still out there? (pause, starts to lean in) What are you? (further pause, leans in further) Are you... the Consultant? (further pause, stops leaning in there, then pulls back) No, it can't be. But while we're on the subject... (Insert shameless plug-in here.)

So we missed some action here, and Kinosewak is leading 5-3. I can say Maskwak has come back from worse.

"My prince..."

Oh, I forgot about this. Earlier, Dave helped Ella out, and now Ella believes she is destined to be with Dave. (feels down) That could have been us, Ivy. (pause) That could have been us.

"...allow me to repay your kindness with a point, for our team."

So Dave lets her go on, Sky is befuddled by this change, and Max would come to face against Ella... Oh, boy, this can't be good. This cannot be good.

(Scuba Bear comes in and picks Max up)

"Aah! Help!"

(Max gets thrown into the lake)

At least we can confirm he's afraid of something. Bears.

Reed Thimple (Country Bears Movie): This is not over! Bears!

Thank you, Nostalgia Critic.

"Oh my!"

And looks like Ella is next.

"Yee-hah!"

"Two in a row? This is like winning a pie-eating contest, and then watching someone you hate get hurt!"

Introducing Admiral Obvious, Your Obnoxiousness. Oh my goodness, I am having fun with this thing! (The review-making, I mean.)

Animal charming powers, activate!

"Nnnoooo-ah!"

Noah: Did someone call?

Um, dude, what are you doing here? I can understand Sirius a bit, which I haven't seen for a long time. That gives me an idea. (calls out the window) Sirius Lee?

(no response)

Hey, Sirius, that guy I unfairly put down due to unfair speech patterns, are you there, Sirius?

Sirius Lee: (from outside window) Oh, now you call?

Can you help me out with this Noah guy?

Sirius Lee: Why should I help you? You're always playing tricks on me and taking me away from my day job!

Noah: Ouch.

What's the problem with you? I didn't mean to deter you!

Sirius Lee: You're a JERk, and I'm through with you!

Fine! Be that way! (pulls head from window, turns to Noah) Leave.

Noah: Why should I?

I'll give you an exclusive appearance in Total Drama America if you do.

Noah: That show was from about a year ago. Plus, it wasn't even from our timeline.

I have a time portal, and a way of reactivating it. (shows remote) Trust me, you can get your moment in there.

Noah: (looks at JER questioningly) I'll come back. (leaves)

Okay, back to the program.

"I've had it with the singing and the taming of the animals!"

Another reason Chris is creeping me out: He's still smiling, even when he's angry. I mean, I liked it better when he didn't have botox, it's that creepy.

"Scuba Bear, do your job and eat the girl!"

Instead of going for Ella, however, it's heading... for Chris.

"Uh-oh..."

My word, this episode is good enough even without this wailing.

"Chris! You want me to throw to another commercial?"

(Ella gets point)

"Scream if you want me to!"

(Chris screams)

But guess who stops this commercial break from happening... and stopped Chris from becoming a piece of veal. Chef and Shawn.

"He's okay. What a relief."

Now, she should stop worrying... but she doesn't. This can't be good.

"They've gathered on the docks. Smart. Zombies can't sneak up on them there."

Unless the docks are anchored. Remember that.

"Shawn is back and looking crazy."

Now it's his turn, I'm guessing. And look at him. He's all over the place.

"Where have you been?"

"Hiding from the horde. Just like you guys on these docks. Duh."

This is not going to end well.

"Team Kinosewak is one dueling stick away from a win."

Just noticed Chris doesn't have his legendary stubble. Weird.

"Maskwaks, get Shawn in the game or he's gone."

"Game? Pfft. This ain't no game, crazy man. It's life and death!"

Again... I don't like him. If he survives, he's going to freefall through the rankings.

"Shh. Here are the rules, Shawn. You gotta run across, grab a stick, then run back and knock the other team's zombie off the beam."

"They're here, already?"

Dave... is a genius. A scary genius.

"Jasmine's a zombie? I should have helped her. I messed up. But I can't change that now. And... I know what I have to do."

This... does not sound like it would end well. I have a few theories on what might happen, and it doesn't look good.

"It could win the game for my team right now, but that means Shawn gets eliminated."

So... Shawn knocks Jasmine clear out, thinking Jasmine is a zombie, no less (imagine what would happen is Shawn sees Jasmine climb back up)...

"What's wrong with you?"

"Um... she's not a zombie..."

Gee... YOU THINK?!

"I think I just made a big mistake."

Unison speaking. Here we go again.

(disturbing sound)

"What was that noise?"

I have no idea, Chris. Could be Ezekiel, could be Fang, could be the Consultant for all I care...

"Tie game! Next dueling stick on the board is for the win!"

Sugar vs 'Amy'. Everyone cheering for their player. And this makes 'Amy'... somewhat uncomfortable. (sigh) This could be her episode, folks.

"It's hard to feel motivated when you're being called the name of someone you hate!"

Then something shoots up and in front of 'Amy'.

"(gasp) Amy?"

Oh, dear. Oh-- oh-- oh-- oh, no, oh no. No. No. (pause) No. (longer pause, followed by sigh) That was the creature? (thinks) No, that can't be the creature. The creature was responsible for the waterfall disappearing. It can't be Amy. But on that token, Sammy is in trouble. (puts on sunglasses) Real. (close-up) Big. (closer-up) Trouble.

(first seconds of CSI: Miami opening play)

I mean, wow. Big trouble. We had better see a decent scene, and at the very least we have to see Jasmine defending her. Also, where did Amy come from? Where did she go? Where did she come from? (pause to think) I forget the rest.

"Samey!"

"Uh... what-y?"

Don't act like you don't know, Chris.

"Ooh, this is bad."

But wow. Amy came back. She's up there with Ezekiel on terms of determination.

"Well, either Amy is back, or Samey never left. No wait, that's not right..."

''Did Amy just call Samey Amy, or was Amy calling Samey... And what was Ella doing touching Dave's arm?"''

Tangent? No. No tangents for you, missy.

"Samey's been pretending to be Amy the whole time. I thought we all knew that."

Apparently, you didn't. Only Jasmine did. Surprisingly, you are a moron for not telling anyone the truth. My word, even Naomi's better than you. (thinks) Wait, Rhonda, tell me this: Who's better so far, Scarlett or Naomi?

"You'll pay for this, Samey!"

"Just like you always make me pay when we go to the movies?!"

"You're lucky I let you sit behind me!"

"You're lucky I don't tell anyone you still suck your thumb!"

(long pause, hides face behind a book, finds out it's an Arthur book and throws it off to the side) I'm sorry. I recently watched an Arthur episode that touched upon that topic. About sucking your thumbs. (awkward stare into space, mutters to the camera) Go.

"You're the worst sister ever!!"

(focuses back on the camera) I'm bringing unison back. (Yeah.) Them other campers don't know how to act. (Yeah.)

"Team Maskwak wins!"

Take it to the chorus--- Wait what?

(Maskwak cheers)

(Amy and Sammy continue fighting)

"Nothing like a sentimental family reunion to get me all choked up..."

Well... (claps hands together) Good news, we can let the cats out of the bag. (pulls out burlap sack and releases three cats) Bad news, the twins are very likely gone. And if someone doesn't know how to fix this situation, Amy will regain control all over again. Please don't let that happen. (one of the cats rubs against him) Guess who's feeling zazzy today? (Thumbs-up if you get the reference.)

So, now Max sends his condolences to Scarlett for helping him out.

"You have proven yourself un-useless, and therefore somewhat worthy of becoming my new sidekick."

(pause) Oh dear. Some set up for future episodes.

Damien Sandow: You're welcome.

''"Sidekick?" (growls)''

Yeah... something tells me someone spoiled that this won't end well.

"I missed on purpose so that you wouldn't get eliminated, and now I'm probably the one going home!"

And speaking of not ending well, Jasmine+Shawn is now through. Jasmine hates Shawn. That's what you get for being a lunatic, Shawn.

"She did that for me? Huh. This sounds crazy, but maybe there's more to life that preparing for the undead to take over."

Nah, compared to what you said in the past, this sounds sobering. Also, have to admit, I like Jasmine's voice. I'm sorry, but I do.

So now, we're at the campfire, and considering all the Kinosewak members, Jasmine and 'Amy' (don't know what to call her yet at this time) are likely to be in the Final 2. Wait. What happened to the reward? Maskwak was supposed to get a meal, so what happened?

"To the victors go the spoils, compliments of Spoily's Secondhand Food Emporium."

He can't be serious. Is it just me, or is the food quality going down with each episode? (Remind me to do a reward ranking after all this is over.)

"Where one man's trash is another man's tapeworm."

You're creeping me out, Chris.

"Oh, and Ella?"

"Yes?"

"You sing again, you're off the show. Got it? (pause) Good."

2015 JER: (from another time portal, to JER) Betcha that will have consequences later on.

What the...? (sees 2015 JER) If you dare spoil this mess for me, I will have your head!

2015 JER: Congratulations, you've finally said that line for the first time this review.

You're a JERk.

2015 JER: And you're related to the JERk, so that makes you as bad as I am.

I'm trying to make my review in peace, so why don't you can it?

2015 JER: I'll tell you what: Play this CD on Episode 10. Don't open it right now. Just wait and do as I say. (hands CD to JER)

(receives CD) Oh, and can you do one more thing?

2015 JER: No, I'm not going to tell you the future.

I hate you, you know that?

2015 JER: Feeling's mutual.

(portal closes)

(sighs) He could at the very least told me who would win next year's Super Bowl. Could have used the money for a new laptop.

"Now, one of you gots to go."

Wait, there are five marshmallows on the table. What's going on here?

"Max, Topher and Scarlett, you're safe. Jasmine, you had a chance to win it for your team but you let your emotions cloud your mind, and stopped your intimidating physique from doing its job."

2015 JER: (from newly-reopened portal) She's not going home.

WILL YOU SHUT IT?! (throws computer mouse at 2015 JER, 2015 JER catches it to prevent being hit)

2015 JER: (throws mouse back into 2014) I saw that coming.

GET OUT OF HERE!!

(portal fizzes away)

Dang, the spoilers really get you when they're from yourself.

"You're safe."

"What?"

Wait. That was the last marshmallow? (pause) THEN WHY WERE THERE FIVE TO START, AND YOU GAVE OUT FOUR! I'M CALLING THE CONTINUITY POLICE!

"How could anyone think that was me? Samey's a bowl of mush, and I'm a parfait, which is German for 'perfect'."

Donkey (Shrek): Parfaits are delicious.

(busy dialing) SHUT IT I'M TRYING TO CALL THE CONTINUITY POLICE HERE!

"So what's German for 'bossy blonde cow'?"

(catfight)

"Shush! Which is polite for 'shut it'! I do not care who's who. Know why? Because this time, you're both going into the cannon!"

(double gasp)

(waiting on dial tone) HURRY UP!

(twins get fired out of cannon)

Telephone: You have reached the Continuity Police. Due to the events of the season finale of Total Drama Pahkitew Island, we are currently under maintenance, and will not be receiving any calls.

(JER throws down phone in disgust; cannot speak due to intense rage building up, then screams to the heavens)

Mom: (from outside window) ¿Que esta pasando alli?

(sticks head out of window, pants in fury, then gathers self while Mom has a quizzical look on her face) Bad... episode.

Mom: Recuerde, la cena empieza en diez minutos.

(pulls head out of window, still pants in fury, then speaks eerily calmly) Where do I begin?

2015 JER: (from reopened portal) If you want, I can do it.

I don't want your grubby 2015 paws on my review! (pulls out detonator and activates it, nothing happens)

2015 JER: (pulls out defused bomb) Saw it coming.

(puts away detonator) Stick to your New Horizons monitoring center!

2015 JER: (scoffs) Don't have to be a JERk about it.

(portal fades away)

(growls, then regains calm) I'm sorry. I truly am. You ever had to deal with relatives you don't like? Well, they're nothing like your past or future selves. But I guess it's time to put together the rating. And I had to say, I was mainly impressed. Even though the challenge was kind of based off of the opening for Total Drama All-Stars, it has its own merits. A lot of character moments, a good amount of laughs, and well-thought-out stories. After this challenge, I can safely say there will be a lot of things to look forward to. However, there were a few catches. Sky+Dave is deteriorating painfully, Shawn himself was ridiculous, both Amy and Sammy were voted out by everyone (Thanks a lot, Jasmine), probably with no improvement since they started out, and there were even a few glitches in the system. Ergo, the five marshmallows. Also, what was that strange creature with the red eyes? And what happened to that waterfall? Hopefully, the latter two questions will be answered soon. As of now, this is the best episode of the season so far, and it gets a Good 62 (81/100).

But I have to ask: What happened to the cannon-launched contestants? I know Amy survived, but how? Where did she end up before she came back? And did the others survive? I guess we'll never know.

Also, I forgot to say, I finally took at look at each of the twins' audition videos. Needless to say, they were really depressing.

Next episode? I have no idea.

2015 JER: (reappears again) But I know how it will go.

(closes in to camera with urgency) Cut to black! Cut to black!

(end credits)

Rhonda and I were conspiring to take down the government. (Talk | Blogs | Contributions) 02:56, August 23, 2014 (UTC)

P.S. Just realized, maybe everyone voted for Jasmine to go, but Chris decided to kick off both the twins to get rid of any complications they would provide. Makes sense, but still...

Bonus Scene: From Progress Bar 026
(Review of TDAS Episode 7)

(time portal opens)

2013 JER: Apparently, you're not funny, either. Just don't talk.

(2014 JER enters while 2013 JER doesn't notice)

"The rules are simple: Spin the wheel, and go a full two minutes with whatever the wheel lands on. Win the match, and earn your team a point. The fights will be judged impartially by Chef and myself. First team to win the battles is the champ."

2013 JER: Note: Do not trust Chris when he says "impartially". Also. Chef's in a dress. I've had enough of crossdressing since Por Ella Soy Eva.

2014 JER: (from behind) And SheZow.

2013 JER: (doesn't realize) And I do not feel like ranting about-- (realizes, turns to meet 2014 JER, yelps)

2014 JER: Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.

2013 JER: Wait, who are you?

'2014 JER: I'd give you the answer, but that'd be cliché.

2013 JER: (realizes) You're kidding me.

2014 JER: No I'm not.

2013 JER: You're telling me you're from the future?

2014 JER: As I said, cliché.

2013 JER: What year?

2014 JER: Just after the World Cup. In Brazil.

2013 JER: Who won?

2014 JER: Not Spain. Or Brazil. I'll give you that.

2013 JER: How come?

2014 JER: Listen, if we have this long a conversation, I'll end up trapped in the past with you. And two mes in the same timeline is disastrous.

2013 JER: (notices portal) Is that portal yours?

2014 JER: I have no idea. But listen. This is the 'face your fear' episode, right?

2013 JER: Uhh...

2014 JER: Prepare the bunker, okay? An explosion's going to come in any minute, and you'll know when it will happen. Trust me.

2013 JER: Can't you just tell me now?

2014 JER: Trust me. Too many spoilers. Also, stock upon lots of food and ammo. Enough for a few weeks. And shield your laptop from any EMP threats.

2013 JER: What?

2014 JER: The portal's going to close any minute. Trust me on this. And don't tell anyone how you survived. Got it?

2013 JER: But I have questions!

(2014 JER pushes button, next TD scene plays)

"But who's gonna watch the Codies while I fight?"

"No one, if they value their lives."

2013 JER: (suddenly focused on the review) Well, Chris, what's better? Leaving them out in the open where anyone can get hurt?

(2014 JER escapes via portal before it closes shut)