User blog:JERealize/Progress Bar: Issue 053 (TDPI Episode 3 Review)

Progress Bar is back, with another review.

(August 1, 2014)

Power Rankings: TDPI, Version 2.0
Oh, you knew I would do these again. But this time, we're only ranking 12, and now, I (mostly) don't have to worry about if I had previously watched the next episode beforehand, because I haven't. But let's begin:
 * 12: Sugar (up 1)
 * At this point, she pretty much lost her only friend and now has nothing left. She's pretty much screaming in the dark (only to give Shawn nightmares about zombies).
 * 11: Ella (down 1)
 * A bit like Sugar, but at least she can charm animals. Though, now Sugar has a vendetta against Ella, so it wouldn't be a surprise if she went out next instead.
 * 10: Rodney (down 3)
 * What happened to him? On paper, you would expect him to at least make the merge, but with all these 'relationships'... He's a lost cause, plain and simple.
 * 9: Topher (down 3)
 * It's not that he's not good. It's just that he has only one friend (Chris), and even that friendship is beginning to wane.
 * 8: Dave (up 3)
 * Don't know what to say. It's probably Sky that keeps him up here.
 * 7: Scarlett (down 3)
 * Although she knows what she's doing most of the time, Scarlett did little last episode, and now she could be the sidekick to...
 * 6: Max (up 3)
 * So at this point, Max is a bona-fide threat to anyone around him when he proved his mind-override helmet thing worked. Any more of those for human test subjects, and we could be in business. Long live the Chum Bucket Bucket Helmet! (Sorry. Random impulse.)
 * 5: Sammy (up 3)
 * She showed some backbone last episode and even stood up to her sister... only to fall back again. We're at a very volatile situation, nonetheless.
 * 4: Amy (up 1)
 * Sammy's threatening her position, and even though for the past two episodes Amy has been keeping Sammy under her thumb, we could see either one of them fall to the side. And hopefully, resolution is the case.
 * 3: Shawn (same position)
 * Okay, the Final 3 of this ranking were really hard to determine, so the space separating these characters are very small. However, I think Shawn deserves to stay in this spot because, even though he is highly skilled, he is way too much of a loner to be trusted beyond the merge.
 * 2: Sky (down 1)
 * As I said before, Sky is a safe bet for the Final Whatever, but I'm already noticing some cracks form where Dave is concerned. But this could be just a worry and nothing major.
 * 1: Jasmine (up 1)
 * Somehow, she isn't as intimidating as before, and she knows how to rally a team. Plus... she calmed the pig easy. (No, I did not mean 'easily'. I meant, 'eeeeeeeeeeeeeeasyyyyyyyyyyyyy'). What can I say?

Reviewing Episode 3: Twinning Isn't Everything
This is just menacing. It's been over three weeks since they released the first two episodes of TDPI, and already, it's a disaster. Writing unbiased reviews is hard when spoilers for the show are all over the place. I mean, you can't even watch Cartoon Network without being spoiled about who was eliminated. I mean, who in their right mind reveals the last person eliminated at the very beginning of commercial break without any warning whatsoever? So, now I can't watch TV anymore? And what if it gets to the point where downloading each episode for viewing results in unintended spoilers? What then?!

Sorry, but I mean, I was already spoiled as to which four of the remaining cast will be eliminated (or were, depending on your viewpoint), as well as part of the Final 6, and maybe the Final Three, so far into this project. Someone even told me that the Final 3 wasn't even 'kosher', but are they even fooling anyone with Hebrew jargon? I mean, maybe the Nazis are on to something. (That, and they were able to build a lunar base by 1960 in an alternate universe.) Regardless, this spoiler stuff is getting crazy. I don't even know if I can finish these reviews, what with all the spoilers about. But I have to try.

But maybe... if I do so, then I'll never be able to enjoy this season. (sigh) Such is the price for fame.

Okay, time for the review. I've been waiting to watch Episode 3 for weeks!

(after opening the video)

Yikes. Low-quality video. I'll need to find a new one. Give it a minute. Or 30.

(forty-five minutes later)

There we go. Finally, after all this time... let's begin.

"Last time on Total Drama Pahkitew Island..."

We had a pig relay race, Rodney switched his interest to Amy, Ella was shut up super-harshly, Max proved how effective he can be with an idle sidekick, Sammy tried to fight against Amy, but to no avail, Leonard blew all respect from his team on a nonexistent God, and now Maskwak is down two players. But at least they have a resting place. Anyway, let's just get this episode over with.

We begin with Sammy picking berries... Wait, what? My goodness, is this a sign?

"You know that you don't have to help me every morning just because Amy tells you to."

Wow... is this... a sign of things to come?

"Stop letting your sister treat you like a servant."

Are... are we about to make progress?

"Oh, she never treats me that well."

"Then do something about it!"

"How can I?"

Is... is it true? Are we going to get redemption this episode? My word, I can't believe it! I've got to tell my mom. (leans out window) Mom!

JER's Mother: Que?

I think Sammy's about to stand up to her sister this episode!

JER's Mother: No quiero ver ningun enfrentamiento.

You're never any help! (pulls out of window) My word, my parents are seriously deranged. Jasmine's conversation to Sammy is inspiring on every level. Sammy should be taking this advice to heart. I mean, look at Jasmine. She's clearly willing to support her. But Sammy has to take the initiative. And as for my mother, she should talk. She's like ninth of eleven siblings. And I don't know what most of her siblings did to her, but the right word, at the right time, could have changed her. For the better. (returns to the window) You hear me?! For the better!

"The way Amy treats you bothers me, so yeah, I guess we're friends. And I have trouble making friends, too. I don't know why, but... people find me a bit intimidating."

Oh, my word. I guess you'd need all the friends you can get. Let's all three of us be friends. Support one another. What do you say?

Jasmine: No offense to you, but the season's already done. We've already went home.

Oh. What about Sammy?

River Song: Spoilers...

Oh. Say no more.

"Maybe I have been letting Amy get away with too much. One time, I let her shave my head so people could 'tell us apart'."

Yikes. And I have to wonder, why didn't she have a revolution in the sixteen years before she got on the show?

"Jasmine's right! I got to stand up for myself!"

Let's just hope you don't shirk away from responsibility. Again.

"G'day, Shawn."

Jasmine and Shawn? Are we going to have a thing? Oh I forgot about their influence in the power ranking, didn't I? Oh, no matter.

"Looks, survival skills, and a healthy fear of reanimated corpses? Man, this girl has everything!"

"No zombie sightings... yet. But they can walk underwater, so they can be on this island right now."

I'll vouch for the underwater part. I studied Max Brooks' Zombie Survival Guide a while back. And as for Jasmine+Shawn, Jasmine is clearly treating it all as a joke, while not making it obvious, you know... because of. Also, Shawn?

Shawn: Yes?

You heard of Total Drama America?

Shawn: I don't think so. This is the sixth season, right?

Don't worry, two universes will become one within a year's time. But one year ago, in this parallel universe, Chris hosted a challenge based on a zombie apocalypse.

Shawn:' (worried) What? What happened?

It'll become incredibly obvious when the next year has elapsed... that is, if you're still able by then.

Shawn: (backs away)

Okay. Back to the program. Or, as the British say, the 'Pro-Grammy'.

"Are you talking about zombies?"

(snortle) "Yeah. It's just a running joke between us."

Yeah, she treats it as a joke. This is going to backfire. Someday.

"Hey, who's hungry?"

Apparently, Sugar is. Sugar, you do realize that you are part of a team, right?

"As a special thank-you, I'd like to sing you a song."

I prefer none of it.

"Eat up, Ella. You look skinny enough to run through a rainstorm without getting wet."

And the same routine happens when Sky brings in water.

"Thank you, but no song required."

But did you notice earlier that Dave... yeah this is going to have some serious consequences.

"Maybe you could go sing to the other team as a sign of, uh, friendly... competition?"

"(gasp) That is a wonderful idea."

That's indeed a wonderful idea. To get her out of the way. Maybe.

"Nice one, Shawn. And great job finding this cave."

Dave's getting overshadowed. This could be bad.

"Hey, if you want help foraging tomorrow--"

"I'll help, too!"

Very bad.

"I'm not digging all the friend stuff going on here. Comfortable people let their guard down. (pfft) Hello?! Might as well put out a bowl of brains and a sign that says, 'Zombies eat free'!"

As I said, Shawn's a loner. And this can only lead downward.

"Look at all this stuff. Thanks, Jasmine."

Shut up, Rodney. You're in love with Amy.

"Thanks, Amy."

You two-timer.

"Amy? It was me, not Amy!!"

Look at Amy, smug and highfalutin'. Amy needs to be taken down few notches and a peg. Let resolution be had!

"Ugh. What is your problem, Samey?"

Her name's Sammy! You imbecile with a dash of bile!

"I'm tired of you taking credit for things that--"

(episode buffers)

What the...? The recording actually came with that glitch?

"--I do!"

"And Samey is on the attack!"

Shut up, Topher. Sammy is on the attack.

Samey, this might not be the right time."

(pause) (sigh) Oh, boy. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I don't know what to say about this.

"I'm the nice one. Amy is a monster!"

Hold on. (speaks into microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, we're at DEFCON 2. I repeat, we're at DEFCON 2. Everyone, man your positions and wait for my signal.

''"How could you say that? I'm your sister!" (wails)''

Oh no. No, this can't be happening. (speaks into microphone) We are caught at disadvantage. Prepare Plan 2-05. I repeat, prepare Plan 2-05 and wait for my signal.

"Jealousy is the lowest form of evil."

"Samey, what is wrong with you?"

You're actually buying this act?! How old are you?!?!

Stewie Griffin: It's like she's (bleep) five!

Susan Schein: Your parents--?

(speaks into microphone) Mrs. Schein, I please ask you to hold all judgement until Sammy's current dispute is resolved. I repeat, hold all judgement until this dispute is resolved. (lets go of microphone, buries face into hands) My Notch...

''"I... I..." (growls and leaves)''

"And after laying down some brutal blows, Samey heads off. Will Team Maskwak be able to get past this? Stay tuned to find out!"

You little bit of a... Amy, I know your game. At least three of us know your game, and I WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD!!

Susan Schein: Your parents let you watch Family Guy?

Not now, Mrs. Schein! I have too much on my plate to argue with you.

"Good morning, other team."

As I said, I have too much on my plate.

"It's challenge time!"

Good. Saved by the Chris. And people say everybody hates Chris. Although... I have a microphone too what the--

'Mr. Kennedy: (speaking into microphone) KENNEDY!

(battle stations hear the call and fire all cannons)

(JER realizes what is happening and responds via microphone) CANCEL ATTACK! CANCEL ALL ATTACK! WE ARE AT DEFCON 5! I REPEAT, WE ARE IN DEFCON 5 AND NO FURTHER MILITARY ACTION WILL BE LAUNCHED!

(cannon fire dies down, JER eyes the remains of Pahkitew Island)

(JER winces) What have I done?

Chris: Don't worry. The season has ended and everyone went home.

(JER sighs in relief, only to realize) My word, the Mounties are going to have my head for this.

"I'm coming, Chris!"

Abridged Jack Atlas: Ah! What is wrong with you?!

"I'm gonna go check on Samey."

And once again, Rodney freaks over Jasmine when she hands Rodney her berries before she leaves.

"Poor Amy. She's gonna be crushed when I tell her it's over. But I can't deny what my heart is writing in the stars. It's writing, 'Jasmine'!"

You little bit of a... Rodney, you're hopeless! You and your sudden crushes and breakups and-- You just... bewilder me! How is that that you don't know how to control yourself? Especially when you just 'broke up' with Jasmine?

"Morning, Chris!"

Oh look, it's Topher. The kiss-up. You know, Topher's routine is getting old. Even Chris knows that.

"I can't tell you how little that means to me."

Topher really needs to be disposed of, soon.

"You think I could explain the challenge to the others?"

(pause) What the--?! Topher! How dare you try to cut into Chris' secrets?!

"Right, right, I'm sorry. Just excited. It's like we're already winners because we got to meet Chris. THE Chris McLean!"

Okay, I guess vanity keeps Chris in check. For now. But be warned, Topher: A host and a contestant makes for an unstable partnership.

"Gather round, victims. Today's game is called, 'Doom Balloons'!"

"You had me at 'doom'."

And lost me at, 'you had me at doom'.

"You'll have ten seconds to collect a bunch of balloons that are filled with who-knows-what."

That's a lot of mystery.

"Yay! Who doesn't love a surprise?"

"None of you! None of you will love a surprise!"

Which of these three is more irritating: Ella, Rodney, or Topher?

"If you're hit with any balloon contents, you're out. It doesn't matter if the balloons are thrown, dropped, launched, kicked, or sent by courier."

I smiled at that last part. BTW, insert Get Ed reference here.

"Last player standing wins it for their team."

And now the contestants start. I wonder if firing a balloon during the collection phase will result in disqualification. But it looks like the contestants are ready anyways, so POUND THE ALARM.

(airhorn sounds)

Max has... a pile of junk under a rock?

"Sure, there must be something I can build with these pieces."

He'll think of something. And it had better be intriguing. But on to more pressing matters at hand.

"I shall win this challenge because of my abnormally-large brain and my super-advanced hearing. No one has ever, ever been able to sneak up on me."

In 3... 2... 1...

(Scarlett pokes Max's head; Max cowers into bushes)

"What are you doing, Max?" (one of the lines leaked in Spanish)

"It's very technical."

I think Scarlett can handle it.

"Fine, If you must know, I'm gonna tape everything together into one long stick, then put my balloons on the end, thereby allowing me to hit people with said balloons from a safe distance."

"Wow, that's so evil." (Another line leaked in Spanish)

But still, a long stick? That's going to require a lot of self-support for the invention to work.

"It's to bad there isn't a way to launch something... sharp. You know, to pop their own balloons onto them."

Phineas Flynn: Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today.

"I'll build a rapid-fire balloon-busting device that fires projectiles and pops their balloons before they can throw them."

"Wow. Your mind is so powerful."

Sarcasm: The TRUE lowest form of evil.

"Scarlett is hopelessly in love with me..."

Since when?!

"First I will control this island, then this hemisphere, then the world! (evil laugh) (gasp) There it is! THAT was an evil laugh!"

Congratulations. You made it out of puberty.

Meanwhile, Sky finds someone sneaking up on her, then finds herself aiming at Dave.

"Oh, it's you."

"Hey, Sky, I was thinking, maybe we could team up, you know, watch each other's back."

(pause) I'm not going to go there. I'm not that sort of comedian. I'm Hispanic.

(laugh track plays)

(sigh) At least you get my jokes.

"Dave's a nice guy, and he is cute. But I have to keep my head in the game. I can't let myself be distracted by his eyes... or that hair... or his smile..."

Attention, Sky. Home Base to Sky, are you there?

"Uh, what was I talking about?"

You were giving out a Rosie-style riveting argument about not getting distracted in the game.

"Oh, right. No distractions."

Copy that. Exit stage left.

"I think I'll go it alone. It's nothing personal, Dave. It's just easier to be silent when you're by yourself."

Mr. Incredible: Fly home, Buddy. I work alone.

(winces) Yikes. Now Dave has two options: Either he can let it go, like in the song, or go mad over not getting her and be out to get her. Oh, and shouldn't you two be splitting up before you two get caught oh no too late...

''"Take cover!" (bumps Dave aside)''

(buffering)

Not again.

(Max pops Sky's balloons)

"Bees!"

(winces) Ooh. Yeah, those are the worst. I was even afraid of them before I was finally stung. In my own house, no less. But look on the bright side. At least you and your bees share the same gender. Feminism: The last phase of making every sector of the animal kingdom female-dominant.

"It worked."

Because of Scarlett.

"You should be taking notes of my genius."

She is, but you plagarize her genius as your own. Plagarism: The TRUE true lowest form of evil. So, that's five people I'm irritated and/or annoyed by. You (Max), Ella, Topher, Rodney, and Amy. Who could forget Amy? Speaking of which, how is Sammy holding up?

"Max is really enjoying the game."

What? We're at halftime already? What about Sammy? And Amy? And the people affected by the two? Most notably Jasmine? We aren't going to see that addressed? Why won't you address that?

"Stay tuned for more mayhem--"

Forget this. Skip. Oh, great. Commercials.

(commercial break)

Commercial: Leonidas is dead.

Oh, no you don't. No more spoilers!

(end commercial)

So, we're back with... Sugar? We still aren't getting Sammy? There's so much that needs to be addressed! But Rodney sneaks up behind her and... what am I seeing? Is Sugar pulling up her shirt? I mean, I know this happens sometimes in real life, but it seems out-of-place in this show.

"Sorry, Sugar. You should have hidden better."

Wow, Rodney's voice is way off. Anyway OHMYNOTCHSUGARSNAKESMOOCHCLOSEUP! (stammering out of breath) None of her facial features are visible! (stammers and faints)

(buffering)

(JER gets up, sees image, then faints again)

(still buffering)

(JER wakes up, only to faint again)

(stops buffering)

"Thanks for washing my face, hefty worm. I feel cleaner than a sink made of soap."

(JER gets up, mutters) Wha...?

"Now beat it!"

"You can't throw snakes at people! Unless the snakes are in a balloon. Then it's okay."

Anyway, what about Sammy-- Notch blast it! Sky again. At least she's coping with the bee stings very well.

"Man, they really got you good."

Just stop talking, Dave. You're the one who got her in this mess.

"Oh. Sorry. But hey, it could have been a lot--"

I SAID SHUT IT too late.

"Ya think?"

"Wowzers. Sorry I got you knocked out of the game, Sky. And I'm sorry all of the bees went after you. I mean I'm glad, but--"

"You're glad?"

Dave. You have no chance with her. Now, before things get any worse for you, run for the hills. Jeez! You're one of the six most annoying/irritating characters in the game so far. I mean, I even like Sugar over you at this point. SUGAR, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

"Because I'm allergic to bee stings!"

(pause) Oh. Now we're caught in that ever-so-present awkward situation. Dave was saved from certain doom via bee stings (if he is actually awake here and not secretly comatose), but it cost Sky the game. BTW, 7 vs 4. Now that hardly is fair, is it? Maskwak is down to Dave, Ella, Sugar, and Shawn. Okay, maybe Shawn's not that bad, but...

"Seriously?"

Sirius Lee: Yes?

She wasn't calling you.

Sirius Lee: Oh. (goes back where he came)

"Well, I've never been tested for any of it--"

Whoa there. What?

"Dave, you have to warn the others that Team Kinosewak are using our own balloons against us."

Um, that's a little too much to ask. Dave is rather weak. And besides, there are too many enemies to say that self-destruction alone is the main key to losing.

"We've lost two challenges already. We need to win this one, Dave."

Do you want all members of Team Kinosewak to advance to the merge as soon as all members of Team Maskwak are kicked out? That's the Team Victory scenario.

"You got it, Sky. I am on it!"

He's doomed.

"Tree!"

(Dave crashes into a tree offscreen)

Way to go, George of the Jungle. But seriously, if we don't cut to Sammy NOW, I'm going to break something!

"Hey, Chris!"

(pause, followed by JER smashing a cathode-ray television out of rage)

(buffering)

(JER throws broken television out the window, then pants heavily)

"Topher, you're in the middle of a challenge, dude."

"I know, but it's important."

Can't matter that much. Unless you're talking about the twins.

"You gotta call in the makeup department to do something about those crow's feet."

"Crow's feet?"

Patas de gallo.

"What if kids start twirtting about how old you look and the network decides to replace you with a... younger host?"

As engaging as this conversation is...

''"MAKEUP!!" (Chris runs offscreen)''

(Topher almost gets nailed by a balloon)

Oh, so close to cut to Sammy. Ooh, look. Cut to Jasmine. Hopefully, we see some Sammy development within the next minute. She's in desperate need of reconciliation. Oh wait, what's Shawn doing watching her?

"Even with all the branches and twigs on the ground, she moves so silently."

So...

"Look, I don't want to like her. 73.6% of all men who die in zombie movies die because the girl they love becomes a zombie, and when it becomes time to cut her head off, they get all sentimental about it, then hesitate. When there are zombies on your tail, man, thinking is the last thing you want to do."

Ron Jakowski: Listeners, let me make one thing clear. I'm not paranoid. I'm not even delusional.

"Hello, beautiful butterfly."

It would be really funny if the butterfly burst the balloon for her. Really funny. Come on, producers, I'm feeling lucky...

"You should hide until our game is done."

(butterfly flies away)

CURSES oh look it's Sugar. It would've been really funny if Sugar had eliminated Ella by mistake. Really funny...

"Oh, it's you."

"Look, Sugar. Just because my balloon is made to do harm, doesn't mean that it can't look adorable and constantly delighted to be here."

Oh, you mean like a teddy bear with a bomb stuffed inside? But still... DOUBLE CURSES!

"Sugar, I just know we're going to be the best of friends."

Don't count on it.

"Sugar! Sugar! I've fallen into this poor bush!"

Sugar pushed her in there and walked away. Told you.

Dave finds... Shawn? In camouflage? What, did you get this challenge from the Hunger Games or something?

"This tree has eyeballs! Eyeball tree!"

At least Shawn's on your team. Just worry for who's around you.

"I knew all my cake-decorating skills would come in handy someday."

As I said before. The Hunger Games. All that's needed to fit this description was if the bees outright killed Sky.

But Shawn has an idea.

"Rest assured that as long as you're with me, you are safe."

Backlash. Scarlett and Max are out. We'd need a lot of action, considering we had little in the past few minutes. And is it me, or is this whole story focused on Dave? It shouldn't be focused on Dave, when a major fallout in Amy/Sammy has happened in the same episode.

"FYI, someone burst Sky's balloons while she was holding them."

"Huh. Smart trick. I doubt it was Max."

Ouch. Then again, it could still help Max.

"I have to find just the right words to end my relationship with Amy..."

Finally, some focus on the twins.

"...so she isn't left shattered, like..."

If you DARE say 'like how Samey treated her', I will snap you.

"Come on, words, I need you!"

"Way to make a total fool of yourself in front of everybody, Samey."

Finally, some twin action! It's time for Sammy to stand up for herself yet again.

"'Oh, I got the food and I'm the nice one.'"

I hate you, Amy. You know what Sammy was saying is true.

"'Blah blah BLAH!'"

ROAST HER, FOR NOTCH SAKE!

"Sooner or later, Amy, everyone will know what you're about!"

Keep going! You're doing it!

"Good afternoon, Samey."

First of all, IT'S (BLEEP)ING SAMMY!! Second of all, HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT HER FLOW!!

"May I have a moment with Amy, please?"

"Rodney, you can have ALL of the moments with Amy!"

You are a two-timing blubbering idiot who makes a new love interest to whoever so much as says 'hello' to you!

"Are you... crying?"

"Amy, I don't know how to tell you this, so I'm just gonna say it."

You are, indeed, a monster.

But we're seriously--

Sirius Lee: Yes?

Get out of here. I haven't called you.

(Sirius leaves)

But Rodney's conversation is too painful to watch, but it doesn't matter. Dave struck him out. (pause) Wait. Dave?!

''"I deserved that!" (cries wee-wee-wee all the way home)''

"Wow! Good makeup job, dude!"

Okay, why does Topher meet Chris at every turn? It's getting annoying. Oh, good, Topher gets struck by a balloon. That's... 3-4 for Maskwak. Wait, they're winning?

"Yeah! Did you see that?"

Wait, Dave knocked out another competitor?! What?!

"You're out of balloons, Dave. You might want to skedaddle."

Uh, Chris, that's no longer a word. Remember the word decommissioning ceremony a few years back? (Thumbs-up if you get the reference.)

"All this walking is good exercise."

Cheers. (pause) Wait a minute, how did they get back together?

"But it's also important to exercise our hearts..."

That's it. I'm looking up aerobics exercises.

"...with songs!"

Way to ruin it. Next.

"CHRIS! She's singing AGAIN!"

Okay, now Ella and Sugar are out. Well, neither of them served much use outside of themselves. (3-2 for Kinosewak.) But Jasmine is going solo? I thought she said she was going to console Sammy. What happened?

And this is a fair time to mention, sometimes the 'Next Time' trailer for any upcoming episode can be filled with game-breaking spoilers. Like when I saw Episode 3 in Italian, it included the 'Next Time' trailer. And spoiled how one or two contestants are about to be eliminated. And at this point in the game, they've practically spoiled which team is to be eliminated. Which is cruel, as I said at the beginning of this blog. That's it. No more 'Next Time' trailers for me. Which means, you won't know what will happen in Episode 4 before I post a review on it.

I'm not going to spoil who will be eliminated. But let me just say: It'll include a skilled player.

"As long as the singing caused you pain, Ella, I'm happy."

Did Chris really need to come here with full-on beauty mask? Looks like Shawn will have an interesting conflict.

And now Dave gets struck down not by Amy, but by Sammy. 3-1 Kinosewak.

"Itching powder? Really? I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to this."

"Everyone is allergic to it. It's itching powder."

At least the scene where he squeals or something after first being hit was pretty funny. Agreed?

"Well done, Samey. You took out Dave."

You hear that, Amy? She acknowledged Samey. (pause) It's better than acknowledging you.

"Whoa. Loud cough of interruption. I was the one who took Dave out, not Samey."

IT'S (BLEEP)ING SAMMY!

"I can tell you apart..."

A mole is a mole is a mole is 6.022×10^23.

'"...and Samey's shot was just excellent."

(pause) You really aren't helping her by calling her Samey. Did you know that?

"'Kay. Since when does anybody take Samey's side? She's just a wannabe me, a spare Amy-- (gasp of epiphany) Her name should be Sparemy! I am gonna change her birth certificate as soon as we get home!"

Good luck with that. My mother can't even fix the date she been born on on her birth certificate.

But while watching this series, for me, Amy gets worse and worse and worse. Taking the other's credit? Shaving the other's hair? Flaunting herself over the other over irrelevant details? And how is it that everyone at their school lets Amy run rampant and don't care about Sammy? What kind of school is it, where they don't help Sammy out? This is domestic violence, plain and simple. Call it what you will, but this is inexcusable, and unless ANY SANE PERSON ON THIS ROUND PLANET helps her out, this can only end in suicide. And what then? Would Amy erase any details on her twin sister and call herself an only child? Inexcusable, disgusting, and liable for child services. This kind of stuff can NEVER happen in real life. NEVER! Bullying is one thing, but this is a stinking FAMILY MEMBER! How is it that no one, not even their own FAMILY, is trying to resolve this issue? What is going on?!

I'm sorry. I just can't do this anymore. I'm calling in the drones. (picks up phone and dials, then answers) Is this the U.S. Air Force? (pause) Yes, I'm calling about a threat to national security. (pause) Some twin is being a jerk to the other for sixteen years, and no one is trying to resolve this issue. (pause) This is not a stinking joke! Her family won't do anything about it. Her school won't-- (long pause) At least give me her residence. (pause) Then tell me where I can go to get her residence. She's Canadian. (pause) Listen, the Canadian government is doing NOTHING about this! You think that I wouldn't have called Child Services if there was at least a chance of saving her through that route? (pause) Can't you at least intervene or something? A military occupation, maybe? (pause) Fine, be that way! I turn to the most able military in this hemisphere for assistance, and all I get is blarney! I'm calling the UK, and hopefully, they can actually be adequate for a change! (hangs up) We should have lived with the Sugar Act.

"Since Samey's the only one with a balloon left, we should stick together. I spotted Shawn's hiding spot earlier. Follow me."

So the last members of Kinosewak search for Shawn.

"He's right below us."

Okay, I shouldn't need to lay out the details as to which team will lose, right?

"You take the shot, Jasmine. I don't want to mess it up."

"And she would."

YOU'RE NOT HELPING!

"You can do this, Samey. I know you can."

Wow. High-risk. I guess I might as well spectate. But the problem is, Amy demands control, and by all three trying to take possession of the balloon, the contents explode all over them. (sigh) just like in the 'Next Time' trailer.

"Game over! Team Maskwak wins the challenge!"

And if everyone has a right mind, Amy should be to blame. And wow, Shawn didn't even see the other team self-destructing coming. If he even saw at all. But there goes the Team Victory scenario.

"Way to go, Samey! You ruined everything! I'm telling!"

That little psycho, I'll HAVE HER HEAD! (But then again, Jasmine's logic and reason, concerning she the power player of her team, should be able to even it out. (gulp) I hope.)

"Whenever I have something Amy wants, she just takes it. Always, always, always (pause) Huh. Always."

This message is brought to you by Walmart. Always low prices. Always. (But not low enough. I shop at Costco.)

"Tonight's winners get to enjoy dinner from Mary's Lamburger. That's Mary's Lamburger and Barbecue Emporium. Mary had a little lamb. (chuckle) Had."

It's only dawning on me now, but with the budget so overblown on cameras and holograms, the rewards have pretty much become meager, if not bare-bones. (Thumbs up if you get the reference.)

Oh look, Amy is... oh my word, no. The... Manchineel Fruit.

"Give me that. You don't deserve to eat."

Lieutenant: (enters) Backfire is ready to go, General.

Thank you, Lieutenant. Dinner's on me. (hands Lieutenant a $100 bill)

Lieutenant: (collects bill) I'll notify the squadron. (leaves)

Yeah. He's part of the six-man squadron you saw earlier razing Pahkitew Island.

"And, I talked to the rest of the team about how you lost us the challenge."

Jasmine, you didn't defend her?! (falls back) Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

"Enjoy being cannon fodder. See you at the elimination ceremony, Sparemy!"

I swear, if Sammy dies, and Amy wipes all mention of her out of existence and succeeds in convincing the world that she is an only child, I will be infuriated to high heaven. Speaking of Heaven, is God slacking off again? Why isn't Amy smitten? To top it off, why haven't I been given any good luck the past few years? Is God even real? Or did he die at some major event like World War II?

(Amy takes a bite of the fruit)

"You enjoy that Manchineel fruit."

Backfire is ready. Our... (counts on fingers) You know what? I stopped counting the character deaths years ago. Anyway, thank you, God. I'll resume prayer sessions before I go to bed tonight.

So now, we're here with the elimination ceremony, and I'm still scared for Sammy's life. If Jasmine doesn't develop a sense of actually helping Sammy out, we're in trouble, despite the Manchineel fruit's effects. (Surprising the fruit gets referenced a second time in this season.)

"Alright, players. Those of you holding a marshmallow are safe."

So the final two are Sammy and... Amy. She seems happy about not getting a marshmallow yet. Worse case scenario, it's a 5-2 vote to eliminate Sammy over Amy. And I have to say, Jasmine is abhorrently useless in clearing Sammy's name. (pokes head out window) YOU HEAR ME, JASMINE?! YOU'RE ABHORRENT!!

(pause, followed by sigh, then pulls out of window) I guess that's the end of Sammy. Words cannot describe the farewell I wish to give Sammy, so I might as well rip someone else off. Here's this video of Captain Jack's farewell scene from the Doctor Who episode 'The Doctor Dances'. Watch it until about 2:00, then close the video. (And you don't care about the show anyway (except you, Rhonda), so don't talk to me about spoilers!)

(sigh) So tell me. What's the verdict?

"Amy, you seem more concerned with bossing Samey around than with helping your team."

(Amy gags on the fruit's effects)

(JER sighs in concern)

"And Samey, it was your balloon that cost your team this challenge"

(Sammy watches Amy gag)

"The sister heading home is..."

(long dramatic scene)

You know what? I think I'm going to cut the review right here. I've got all the math. The challenge promised a fresh breath and something special when I first heard of it, but there weren't a lot of action and entertainment scenes concerning that, so overall, it was somewhat lacking. The subplots... they're another matter. It's possible to juggle multiple subplots with great success, but what this episode tried to do was cut out all desired character developments between Amy, Sammy, and Jasmine, except for a few points in the beginning and end of this episode, and instead forced in too many Topher, Rodney, and Dave scenes. Okay, maybe I can understand the Dave scenes, and in another time, those scenes would really be beneficial to the character without damaging how the others were doing, but it just came short here, when the main focus was expected to be on Amy, Sammy, and Jasmine, and two wrongs don't make a right. Ella+Sugar and Max+Scarlett did work alright in this episode; they had their time allotment and stuck to it. And you know what? They kind of tided me over in some parts of the episode.

But what I don't like is how the world is designed to benefit Amy at Sammy's expense, with every contestant except for a few being super-gullible, and in the end, it gets old and frustrating. I know. I had to review this episode for hours on end, and it was excruciating. But, yeah, without being biased, Amy could have been an effective antagonist in another time, but it goes so over-the-top that it's just too dreadful to watch. And in another matter, I feel I still don't get Shawn. At all. Okay, he hates zombies, and hates everyone for not being concerned about them, but in the end, his character isn't built up. It's still where it was started. If it weren't for the fact that he was so skilled, he could have been a throwaway character. But getting back to the episode itself...

This episode was supposed to have been about Amy and Sammy, but it concerns itself over developing, and sometimes over-developing, other characters when Amy and Sammy need it most. And it feels like Jasmine was no help this episode. She didn't seem to help convince her team that Sammy was good, and I was disappointed in her a bit. The challenge could easily be replaced and still feel the same, the funny scenes were hit-and-miss, and the scenes and timing seem random. However, this isn't an overly bad episode. It had developed some characters, and made one or two memorable scenes, and if only the episode knew what it was, what it should be, and how to get there, then it could have been better.

Unfortunately, I can't give a score because I haven't finished the bloody episode, so let's find out who people voted was... the weakest link.

(dramatic scene from earlier continues)

Oh, I don't think I can go through this. (pause, then talks to himself) Okay, you're a reviewer. Remember the Reviewer's Code. You stick through a production until the very end. (pause, stops talking to himself) Okay. Continue. Who's going to be eliminated? It's--

"Oh, ignore her. She's just trying to get sympathy, aren't you, Samey?"

(stupefied pause) Wait what?

"Can't understand what you're saying, Samey, and it really doesn't matter, cause you've been voted off!"

(long pause of thought processing, followed by a touch of joy) Brothers, cue the Katie/Sadie squeal! We have victory!

Katie/Sadie: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

"Buh-bye, Samey! Have a nice flight!"

Why do I hear hints of Lindsay in that voice?

(Amy, in cannon, spouts clouded gibberish)

"Wish I could understand. It sounds really important."

(pause) Probably would have been more fitting for Scott to be eliminated this route, considering how he eliminated Dawn.

(Amy gets launched)

So, we now have Sammy masquerading as Amy (masquerading as someone else in this series is far from new, but at least this time it's for a good cause), and only Jasmine can tell the difference. Well, isn't that peachy.

"She's had it coming. For years. I guess twinning isn't everything."

(JER realizes) Oh, no, no no no no no--!

Peter Griffin: Ha! Ha! Ha, he said it!"

Susan Schein (voiceover): Your parents let you watch Family Guy?

(JER means, then covers into fetal position and cries a little, as camera pans out and fade to black)

(JER voiceover) So looking back, this episode did have a payoff, but it wasn't properly built up. But besides that, a satisfying ending that promises so much in future episodes. Overall, a Good 28 (64/100) (score shows in white over the black screen). And yes, I did just make a Cleveland Brown reference, but don't tell Susan that. So watch the rest of that Captain Jack video (video link available here had you forgotten), and tune in next time for an episode I am not prepared for because I didn't watch the Next Time Trailer. Yay!

('We Did It' theme from Dora The Explorer plays)

Alexis (my brother) (vo): Is that Dora?

(record scratch and tune ends)

Uh, I was just ending the review for Episode 3 of Pahkitew Island.

Alexis (vo): Don't care.

(pause) Okay, let's end this right.

(end credits)