Girl Falls From The Sky

Girl Falls From The Sky

 You can change your mind, but you cannot change your heart

 Your heart knows when you’re hiding, your heart knows who you are

 I’d be myself, if I knew who I’d become

 You don’t have to fly too high to get too close to the sun

 See the girl fall from the sky

 The words of my mother echoed inside of my head, almost like they were on a continuous loop. She had warned me. She pleaded and pleaded and pleaded for me not to continue, not to deal with the pressure and the hate. She told me they were jealous. I wasn’t an idiot; I was an adult for Christ’s sake. They took one look at me once I entered that door to my new calling and they saw me. One look at my brown curly hair, one look at my laveder thick-knit sweater, and one look at my bright pink, fleece vest. From the instant analyzation they knew I didn’t look like them, and thus, I didn’t belong there.

 After my first semester at Toronto’s New Dramatic Arts Academy, Mother warned me that maybe acting wasn’t right for me. I didn’t fit in with all the caviar and Coach like the girls at school gloated about. Mother loved me with all heart, and I should’ve known she knew best. She was trying to shield me and help me stop before I got too far ahead.

 But instead, I decided to show them. Over the semester break, I went through drastic changes. My thrift shop clothes were upgraded to department store apparel and my hair was straightened and colored and I finally looked like I was in the “In Crowd”.

 Yet, it’s never enough. You can look like a million dollars (which I definitely accomplished) but none of that matters until you own it and adapt to the attitude of a homecoming queen. Mother was disappointed. Just like my father who divorced her and my turned-to-drugs sister, I was letting her down. And I could’ve cared less. She warned me and gave me the same speech she gave my sister before she left:

 You can change your mind, but you cannot change your heart

 Your heart knows when you’re hiding, your heart knows who you are

 I’d be myself, if I knew who I’d become

 You don’t have to fly too high to get too close to the sun

 See the girl fall from the sky

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> Five lines that continue to haunt me today. Mother was trying to tell me I could look and act however I wanted, but she knew who I was on the inside, and it was crushing her to see me this way. She wanted the pudgy girl that wore kitten sweaters who doesn’t follow the five second rule, or any common courtesy rules for that matter. Like a psychic, she’s predicted my downfall, and she isn’t even around to watch it happen.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> Those were the last words I ever heard my mother tell me before she passed. And to me, they were total crap. I left the house, determined to make a name for myself. I returned back to school for the second semester, but I enrolled under a different name. The old dorky me didn’t exist anymore, and instead the new me was about to claim her new territory.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> I graduated from Toronto’s New Dramatic Arts Academy four years later, sure of who I was and where I belonged. I ruled that school along with my closest friends, who still to this day don’t know I was the girl they bullied out of there the first semester four years prior.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> My first break after college was working as an intern at World Central Broadcasting’s morning news show. I got coffees and doughnuts for the lazy on-air personalities and eventually worked my way up to assistant to the main female personality. We became best friends; I knew all of her secrets. Her lesbian affair, her time in jail, and the fact that she could burp and fart at the same time. Her dream was to make it to International Broadcast Station (I.B.S.) so her face could be seen all around the world delivering new stories.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> It was like a presidential election, secretly campaigning and writing letters to television networks. After a year or so, she got a call asking if she’d like an opportunity to be head anchor, stationed in London. It wasn’t only her big break, it was gonna be mine. I was moving up in the world, just by being an assistant.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> I am not irreplaceable. My mother told me that long ago, but apparently to the new head anchor at I.B.S., I wasn’t worth taking to London and was replaced for a new spunky assistant. I was ditched, I was dumped in a sense. Mother’s words came back to me once again:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-align:center;"> You can change your mind, but you cannot change your heart

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-align:center;"> Your heart knows when you’re hiding, your heart knows who you are

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-align:center;"> I’d be myself, if I knew who I’d become

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-align:center;"> You don’t have to fly too high to get too close to the sun

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-align:center;"> See the girl fall from the sky

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> I was far from falling. But after being ditched after helping so much, I decided to go back to my old routes and get revenge, but this time it was personal. It took awhile to get my story out to the local paparazzi and tabloids, but soon the media was all hot gossip about the newest female anchor at International Broadcast Station. Her affair went public, ending in her divorce and the suicide of her ex-partner. I ruined her life. I was content. And my mother was disgusted.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> This new celebrity gossip helped me climb up to fame. I became a celebrity news journalist, dishing the juiciest facts I could find about anyone remotely famous. Eventually, I was given my own show along with a new co-partner. I now had a nightly celebrity news show on W.C.B.. I was flying higher and higher.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> Every other pew was empty at my mother’s funeral. I guess not many people cared. I sat with my father, my mother’s ex-husband. My drug-ridden sister failed to make an appearance at the solemn event. The entire time I sat at the funeral, I knew how much I had let her down. If I would’ve known who I was going to become would disappoint her so much, I wouldn’t have. I mean, she named me after her own mother, who have one of the best relationships I’ve ever seen in people. When my mother was being lowered into the ground in her oak coffin, I did not cry. I couldn’t concentrate on what was going on around me. I was focused on the words that kept being repeated in my head:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-align:center;"> You can change your mind, but you cannot change your heart

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-align:center;"> Your heart knows when you’re hiding, your heart knows who you are

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-align:center;"> I’d be myself, if I knew who I’d become

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-align:center;"> You don’t have to fly too high to get too close to the sun

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-align:center;"> See the girl fall from the sky

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;text-align:center;"> I look up into the mirror in front of me. I guess this is one of those ‘life flashes before your eyes’ moments. I glance back down at the little postcard for my 15th Year Class Reunion. It tells me I am cordially invited to come back to school and catch up on memories and friends. I make an ‘X’ in the box for accept. Then it tells me I need my signature at the bottom of the card. I go to sign my autograph like I’ve gotten used to when I pause. Mother wanted the best for me, and now I think I finally understand that what my life has been about has been the worst for me. I changed my mind, but on the inside I was hiding from who I used to be. I know who I am. And then, I signed the postcard with a signature I have not used for over fifteen years: Mildred O’Halloran.

Trivia

 * The five lines come from a song called "Boy Falls From The Sky" from the musical, Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark.