User blog:Gideoncrawle/G&S Playlist for Life After Lies

Introduction
To commemorate Gigi’s story Life After Lies—long and widely regarded as one of the best, if not the best, noncompetition stories on the wiki—winning Featured Story status, I have drawn from my TDI-G&S verses to create a Gilbert & Sullivan playlist for LAL.

Because this is a playlist, and not a scene-by-scene reconstruction like TDI-G&S will be, the following verses are mostly complete songs and don’t necessarily refer to specific scenes from LAL. Exceptions are noted where they occur. Some verses have a remarkably literal fit, whereas others fit more for their mood than for their description of events.

Click the hyperlinks to hear the tunes on MIDI files at the Gilbert & Sullivan Archive. The MIDI files are freely downloadable, either singly or in bulk, for readers so inclined. The pages housing these files also have the relevant lyrics, including all repetitions, the better to allow readers so inclined to sing along

Indents indicate a change of singer (in the original, not necessarily in the LAL reference), and are included primarily to provide some sense of the music for readers who don’t choose to click through to the MIDI files, although these indents also inform the verse in some cases

The original stage directions are included in a few cases where they help to inform the verse. These directions are italicized and enclosed in brackets, [thusly]. Underlined terms that are not part of hyperlinks are defined in the Glossary.

Total playing time: slightly over 1 hour

LAL-G&S Theme Song
Recitative and song from Ruddigore

[http://math.boisestate.edu/gas/ruddigore/web_opera/rudd22.html Away, Remorse! ]

Compunction, hence!

Go, Moral Force!

Go, Penitence!

To Virtue’s plea

A long farewell—

Propriety,

I ring your knell!

Come, guiltiness of deadliest hue!

Come, desperate deeds of derring-do!

Henceforth all the crimes

That I find in the Times,

I’ve promised to perpetrate daily;

Tomorrow I start,

With a petrified heart,

On a regular course of Old Bailey.

There’s confidence tricking,

Bad coin, pocket picking,

And several other disgraces—

There’s postage stamp prigging,

And then, thimble-rigging,

The three-card delusion at races!

Oh! A baronet ’s rank is exceedingly nice,

But the title’s uncommonly dear at the price!

Ye well-to-do squires,

Who live in the shires,

Where petty distinctions are vital,

Who found Athenaeums

And local museums,

With views to a baronet’s title—

Ye butchers and bakers

And candlestick makers

Who sneer at all things that are tradey—

Whose middle-class lives

Are embarrassed by wives

Who long to parade as “My Lady”,

Oh! Allow me to offer a word of advice,

The title’s uncommonly dear at the price!

Ye supple M.P. s

Who go down on your knees,

Your precious identity sinking,

And vote black or white

As your leaders indite

(Which saves you the trouble of thinking),

For your country’s good fame,

Her repute, or her shame,

You don’t care the snuff of a candle—

But you’re paid for your game

When you’re told that your name

Will be graced by a baronet’s handle—

Oh! Allow me to give you a word of advice—

The title’s uncommonly dear at the price!

Karma and Compulsion
The story of how (a) karma still has a score to settle with Heather; and (b) Heather, having been told that the Organization has been watching her for her entire life, joined the Organization under compulsion. The first 14 lines (i.e. the first soloist verse and first chorus verse) also fit LAL’s interstitial story, Screwed.

Song from Ruddigore:

Sir Rupert Murgatroyd

His leisure and his riches

He ruthlessly employed

In persecuting witches.

With fear he’d make them quake—

He’d duck them in his lake—

He’d break their bones

With sticks and stones,

And burn them at the stake!


 * This sport he much enjoyed,


 * Did Rupert Murgatroyd—


 * No sense of shame


 * Or pity came


 * To Rupert Murgatroyd!

Once, on the village green,

A palsied hag he roasted,

And what took place, I ween,

Shook his composure boasted;

For, as the torture grim

Seized on each withered limb,

The writhing dame

‘Mid fire and flame

Yelled forth this curse on him:

“Each lord of Ruddigore,

Despite his best endeavor,

Shall do one crime, or more,

Once, every day, forever!

This doom he can’t defy,

However he may try,

For should he stay

His hand that day,

In torture he shall die!”

The prophecy came true:

Each heir who held the title

Had, every day, to do

Some crime of import vital;

Until, with guilt o’erplied,

“I’ll sin no more!” he cried,

And on the day

He said that say,

In agony he died!


 * And thus, with sinning cloyed,


 * Has died each Murgatroyd,


 * And so shall fall,


 * Both one and all,


 * Each coming Murgatroyd!

From Humble Beginnings…
The story of how the Organization’s founder rose, through undeniable professional competence, from freelance assassin to the head of an international organized crime enterprise. Song from Iolanthe:

When I went to the Bar as a very young man,

(Said I to myself, said I),

I’ll work on a new and original plan,

(Said I to myself, said I).

I’ll never assume that a rogue or a thief

Is a gentleman worthy implicit belief,

Because his attorney has sent me a brief,

(Said I to myself, said I).

Ere I go into court I will read my brief through

(Said I to myself, said I),

And I’ll never take work I’m unable to do

(Said I to myself, said I).

My learned profession I’ll never disgrace

By taking a fee with a grin on my face,

When I haven’t been there to attend to the case

(Said I to myself, said I).

I’ll never throw dust in a juryman’s eyes

(Said I to myself, said I),

Or hoodwink a judge who is not over-wise

(Said I to myself, said I).

Or assume that the witnesses summoned in force

In Exchequer, Queen’s Bench, Common Pleas, or Divorce,

Have perjured themselves as a matter of course

(Said I to myself, said I).

In other professions in which men engage

(Said I to myself, said I),

The Army, the Navy, the Church and the Stage

(Said I to myself, said I),

Professional license, if carried too far,

Your chance of promotion will certainly mar—

And I fancy the rule might apply to the Bar

(Said I to myself, said I).

…but it’s not pretty
Ruthlessness is critical to the success of any organized crime enterprise, and the Organization is no exception. Organization operatives will not stop at killing if the situation warrants, and there are indications that they may at times do so without formal authorization. The second part of this song from The Yeomen of the Guard also fits the scene where the steadfast little girl is killed:

When our gallant Norman foes

Made our merry land their own,

And the Saxons from the Conqueror were flying,

At his bidding it arose,

In its panoply of stone,

A sentinel unliving and undying.

Insensible, I trow ,

As a sentinel should be,

Though a Queen to save her head should come a-suing.

But there’s a legend on its brow

Which is eloquent to me,

And it talks of duty done and duty doing:

“The screw may twist and the rack may turn,

And men may bleed and men may burn,

O’er London town and its golden hoard

I keep my silent watch and ward!”

Within its wall of rock

The flower of the brave

Have perished with a constancy unshaken.

From the dungeon to the block,

From the scaffold to the grave,

Is a journey many gallant hearts have taken.

And the wicked flames may hiss

Round the heroes who have fought

For conscience and for home in all its beauty,

But the grim old fortalice

Takes little heed of aught

That comes not in the measure of his duty.

“The screw may twist and the rack may turn,

And men may bleed and men may burn,

O’er London town and its golden hoard

I keep my silent watch and ward!”

Comes the Client
A client (Rhodes, for example) engages the Organization’s services. Readers so inclined may visualize the client as soloist and Organization personnel as chorus. Song from Princess Ida:

Now hearken to my strict command

On every hand, on every hand—


 * To your command,


 * On every hand,


 * We dutifully bow!

If Gama bring the Princess here,

Give him good cheer, give him good cheer,


 * If she come here,


 * Will give him a cheer,


 * And we will show you how!


 * We’ll shout and sing


 * “Long live the King”,


 * And his daughter, too, I trow !


 * Then shout ha! Ha! Hip, hip hurrah!


 * For the fair Princess and her good papa!

But if he fail to keep his troth ,

Upon our oath, we’ll trounce them both!


 * He’ll trounce them both


 * Upon his oath,


 * As sure as a quarter-day !

We’ll shut him up in a dungeon cell,

And toll his knell on a funeral bell.


 * From his dungeon cell,


 * His funeral knell


 * Shall strike him with dismay!


 * As up we string


 * The faithless King


 * In the old familiar way!


 * We’ll shout ha! Ha! Hip, hip, hurrah!


 * As we make an end of her false papa!

Power and Influence
In this duet, readers so inclined may envision an Organization representative as the first voice and the client as the second voice. The first 12-line verse also fits the scene where Heather assures Noah that she will be able to get her weapons through airport security. Song from Utopia Limited:

Let all your doubts take wing—

Our influence is great.

If Paramount our King

Presume to hesitate,

Put on the screw

And caution him

That he will rue

Disaster grim

That must ensue

To life and limb

Should he pooh-pooh

This harmless whim.


 * Observe this dance


 * Which I employ


 * When I, by chance,


 * Go mad with joy.


 * What sentiment


 * Does this express?


 * Supreme content


 * And happiness!


 * Your friendly aid conferred,


 * I need no longer pine.


 * I’ve but to speak the word,


 * And lo! The maid is mine!


 * I do not choose


 * To be denied,


 * Or wish to lose


 * A lovely bride—


 * If to refuse


 * The King decide,


 * The Royal shoes


 * Then woe betide!

This step to use

I condescend

Whene’er I choose

To serve a friend

What it implies

Now try to guess;

It typifies

Unselfishness!

Hostage
The Organization sometimes takes hostages on a client’s behalf, the better to gain another party’s cooperation, and is not above killing said hostages if that’s what the client wants. Recitative & song from Princess Ida (excerpt from Finale Act I, MIDI file 4:15 – 6:17):


 * ‘Till then, must we in prison cell be thrust?


 * You must!


 * This seems unnecessarily severe!

Hear, hear!

For a month to dwell

In a dungeon cell;

Growing thin and wizen

In a solitary prison,

Is a poor look-out

For a soldier stout

Who is longing for the rattle

Of a complicated battle—

For the rum-tum-tum

Of the military drum

And the guns that go Boom! Boom!


 * When Hilarion’s bride


 * Has at length complied


 * With the just conditions


 * Of our requisitions,


 * You may go in haste


 * And indulge your taste


 * For the fascinating rattle


 * Of a complicated battle—


 * For the rum-tum-tum


 * Of the military drum


 * And the guns that go Boom! Boom!


 * But till that time you’ll here remain,


 * And bail we will not entertain,


 * Should she our mandate disobey,


 * Your lives the penalty will pay!

Professional Detachment
To operate as it does, the Organization needs its agents to maintain a professional detachment, which Heather describes as “indifference to the problems of others”. This song from Thespis is about the danger of a boss getting too chummy with his staff, which is a reasonably similar concept. Sadly, most of the music for Thespis, including the music for this song, has been lost.

I once knew a chap who discharged a function

On the North South East West Diddlesex junction,

He was conspicuous exceeding,

For his affable ways and his easy breeding.

Although a Chairman of Directors,

He was hand in glove with the ticket inspectors,

He tipped the guards with brand new fivers,

And sang little songs to the engine drivers.

Each Christmas Day he gave each stoker

A silver shovel and a golden poker,

He’d buttonhole flowers for the ticket sorters,

And rich Bath buns for the outside porters.

He’d mount the clerks on his first-class hunters

And he built little villas for the roadside shunters,

And if any were fond of pigeon shooting,

He’d ask them down to his place at Tooting.

In course of time there spread a rumor

That he did all this from a sense of humor,

So instead of signaling and stoking,

They gave themselves up to a course of joking.

Whenever they knew that he was riding,

They shunted his train on lonely siding,

Or stopped all night in the middle of a tunnel,

On the plea that the boiler was a-coming through the funnel.

If he wished to go to Perth or Stirling,

His train through several counties whirling,

Would set him down in a fit of larking,

At four a.m. in the wilds of Barking.

This pleased his whim and seemed to strike it,

But the general Public did not like it;

The receipts fell, after a few repeatings,

And he got it hot at the annual meetings.

He followed out his whim with vigor,

The shares went down to a nominal figure,

These are the sad results proceeding

From his affable ways and his easy breeding!

The line, with its rails and guards and peelers ,

Was sold for a song to marine store dealers.

The shareholders are all in the work’us ,

And he sells pipe-lights in the Regent Circus.

‘Twas told to me with much compunction,

By one who had discharged with unction

A Chairman of Directors’ function,

At the North South East West Diddlesex junction.

Heather watches her “funeral”
In this song from The Mikado, town officials assure the Mikado that they have recently held an execution (as per his orders) when, in fact, they have not. They go on to describe the spurious execution “with most affecting particulars”, as the Mikado later puts it. (In the original, soloists sing the 15-line verses and the chorus sings the 6-line verses, but there is no corresponding division in the LAL reference.)

The criminal cried, as he dropped him down,

In a state of wild alarm—

With a frightful, frantic, fearful frown,

I bared my big right arm.

I seized him by his little pigtail

And on his knees fell he,

As he squirmed and struggled,

And gurgled and guggled,

I drew my snickersnee!

Oh, never shall I

Forget the cry,

Or the shriek that shrieked he!

As I gnashed my teeth,

When from its sheath

I drew my snickersnee!


 * We know him well,


 * He cannot tell


 * Untrue or groundless tales—


 * He always tries


 * To utter lies,


 * And every time he fails.


 * He shivered and shook as he gave the sign


 * For the stroke he didn’t deserve;


 * When all of a sudden his eye met mine,


 * And it seemed to brace his nerve;


 * For he nodded his head and kissed his hand,


 * And he whistled an air, did he,


 * As the saber true


 * Cut cleanly through


 * His cervical vertebrae.


 * When a man’s afraid,


 * A beautiful maid


 * Is a cheering sight to see;


 * And it’s oh, I’m glad


 * That moment sad


 * Was soothed by sight of me!


 * Her terrible tale


 * You can’t assail,


 * With truth it quite agrees:


 * Her taste exact


 * For faultless fact


 * Amounts to a disease!


 * Now, though you’d have said that head was dead


 * (For its owner, dead was he),


 * It stood on its neck with a smile well-bred,


 * And bowed three times to me!


 * It was none of your impudent off-hand nods,


 * But as humble as could be;


 * For it clearly knew


 * The deference due


 * To a man of pedigree!


 * And it’s oh, I vow,


 * This deathly bow


 * Was a touching sight to see;


 * Though trunkless, yet


 * It couldn’t forget


 * The deference due to me!


 * This haughty youth,


 * He speaks the truth


 * Whenever he finds it pays:


 * And in this case


 * It all took place


 * Exactly as he says!

DeMiller briefs Heather
The curious case of Rhodes v. Wilshire: Rhodes lent Wilshire a large sum that Wilshire invested profitably, only to (purportedly) up and die when Rhodes asked to be repaid. (This is the only long playlist item that does not also appear in TDI-G&S.) Excerpts from Act I Finale of Utopia, Limited (MIDI file 6:06 – 6:59 & 11:00 – 13:37):


 * A Company Promoter this, with special education,


 * Which teaches what Contango means and also Backwardation—


 * To speculators he supplies a grand financial leaven,


 * Time was when two were company—but now it must be seven.

Yes—yes—yes—

Time was when two were company—but now it must be seven.

Stupendous loans to foreign thrones

I’ve largely advocated;

In ginger pops and peppermint drops

I’ve freely speculated;

Then mines of gold, of wealth untold,

Successfully I’ve floated,

And sudden falls in apple stalls

Occasionally quoted:

And soon or late I always call

For Stock Exchange quotation—

No schemes too great and none too small

For Companification!

Some seven men form an Association

(If possible, all Peers and Baronets),

They start off with a public declaration

To what extent they mean to pay their debts.

That’s called their Capital: if they are wary

They will not quote it at a sum immense.

The figure’s immaterial—it may vary

From eighteen million down to eighteenpence.

I should put it rather low;

The good sense of doing so

Will be evident at once to any debtor.

When it’s left for you to say

What amount you mean to pay,

Why, the lower you can put it at, the better.

They then proceed to trade with all who’ll trust ‘em,

Quite irrespective of their capital

(It’s shady, but it’s sanctified by custom);

Bank, Railway, Loan, or Panama Canal.

You can’t embark on trading too tremendous—

It’s strictly fair, and based on common sense—

If you succeed, your profits are stupendous—

And if you fail, pop goes your eighteenpence.

Make the money-spinner spin!

For you only stand to win,

And you’ll never with dishonesty be twitted,

For nobody can know,

To a million or so,

To what extent your capital’s committed!

If you come to grief, and creditors are craving

(For nothing that is planned by mortal head

Is certain in this Vale of Sorrow—saving

That one’s Liability is Limited),

Do you suppose that signifies perdition?

If so you’re but a monetary dunce—

You merely file a Winding-Up Petition,

And start another company at once!

Though a Rothschild you may be

In your own capacity,

As a Company you’ve come to utter sorrow—

But the Liquidators say,

“Never mind—you needn’t pay,”

So you start another Company tomorrow!

Once a snark, always a snark
In her first encounter with Noah, Heather learns that captivity has neither cowed him nor dulled his tongue. Song from H.M.S. Pinafore:

A British tar is a soaring soul,

As free as a mountain bird,

His energetic fist should be ready to resist

A dictatorial word.

His nose should pant and his lip should curl

His cheeks should flame and his brow should furl,

His bosom should heave and his heart should glow,

And his fist be ever ready for a knockdown blow.

His eyes should flash with an inborn fire,

His brow with scorn be wrung;

He never should bow down to a domineering frown,

Or the tang of a tyrant tongue.

His foot should stamp and his throat should growl,

His hair should twirl and his face should scowl,

His eyes should flash and his breast protrude,

And this should be his customary attitude—[belligerent pose]

No sleep tonight
After her first encounter with Noah, Heather assumes that she will not be getting any sleep that night, although she does manage to get two hours. Recitative and song (the famous “Nightmare Song” from Iolanthe. (At the risk of belaboring the obvious, the reference to “love” in the recitative verse is not to be taken literally here):

Love, unrequited, robs me of my rest;

Love, hopeless love, my ardent soul encumbers;

Love, nightmare-like, lies heavy on my chest,

And weaves itself into my midnight slumbers.

When you’re lying awake

With a dismal headache,

And repose is tabooed by anxiety,

I conceive you may use

Any language you choose

To indulge in, without impropriety;

For your brain is on fire—

The bedclothes conspire

Of usual slumber to plunder you:

First the counterpane goes,

And uncovers your toes,

And your sheet slips demurely from under you;

Then the blanketing tickles—

You feel like mixed pickles—

So terribly sharp is the pricking,

And you’re hot, and you’re cross,

And you tumble and toss

Till there’s nothing twixt you and the ticking.

Then the bedclothes all creep

To the ground in a heap,

And you pick ‘em all up in a tangle;

Next your pillow resigns

And politely declines

To remain at its usual angle!

Well, you get some repose

In the form of a doze,

With hot eyeballs and head ever aching,

But your slumbering teems

With such horrible dreams

That you’d very much better be waking;

For you dream you are crossing

The Channel, and tossing

About on a steamer from Harwich—

Which is something between

A large bathing machine

And a very small second-class carriage—

And you’re give a treat

(Penny ice and cold meat)

To a party of friends and relations—

They’re a ravenous horde—

And they all came on board

At Sloane Square and South Kensington stations.

And bound on that journey

You find your attorney

(Who started that morning from Devon);

He’s a bit undersized,

And you don’t feel surprised

When he tells you he’s only eleven.

Well, you’re driving like mad

With this singular lad

(By the by, the ship’s now a four-wheeler),

And you’re playing round games,

And he calls you bad names

When you tell him that “ties pay the dealer”;

But this you can’t stand,

So you throw up your hand,

And you find you’re as cold as an icicle,

In your shirt and your socks

(The black silk with gold clocks),

Crossing Salisbury Plain on a bicycle:

And he and the crew

Are on bicycles, too—

Which they’ve somehow or other invested in—

And he’s telling the tars

All the particulars

Of a company he’s interested in—

It’s a scheme of devices,

To get at low prices

All goods from cough mixtures to cables

(Which tickled the sailors)

By treating retailers

As though they were all vegetables—

You get a good spadesman

To plant a small tradesman

(First take off his boots with a boot tree),

And his legs will take root,

And his fingers will shoot,

And they’ll blossom and bud like a fruit tree—

From the greengrocer tree

You get grapes and green pea,

Cauliflower, pineapple, and cranberries,

While the pastrycook plant

Cherry brandy will grant,

Apple puffs, and three-corners, and Banburys—

The shares are a penny,

And ever so many

Are taken by Rothschild and Baring,

And just as a few

Are allotted to you,

You awake with a shudder despairing—

You’re a regular wreck,

With a crick in your neck,

And no wonder you snore,

For your head’s on the floor,

And you’ve needles and pins

From your soles to your shins,

And your flesh is a-creep,

For your left leg’s asleep,

And you’ve cramp in your toes,

And a fly on your nose,

And some fluff in your lung,

And a feverish tongue,

And a thirst that’s intense,

And a general sense

That you haven’t been sleeping in clover;

But the darkness is past,

And it’s daylight at last,

And the night has been long—

Ditto ditto my song—

And thank goodness they’re both of them over!

A monster in the making
With knife in hand and heavy heart, Heather prepares to torture Noah. The haggard and sleep-deprived Heather looks awful, a fact that naturally does not escape Noah’s notice. Song from Ruddigore:

[http://math.boisestate.edu/gas/ruddigore/web_opera/rudd12.html Oh, why am I moody and sad? ]


 * Can’t guess!

And why am I guiltily mad?


 * Confess!

Because I am thoroughly bad!


 * Oh, yes—

You’ll see it at once in my face,

Oh, why am I husky and hoarse?


 * Ah, why?

It’s the workings of conscience, of course.


 * Fie, fie!

And huskiness stands for remorse,


 * Oh, my!

At least it does so in my case.

When in crime one is fully employed—


 * Like you—

Your expression gets warped and destroyed:


 * It do.

It’s a penalty none can avoid;


 * How true!

I once was a nice-looking youth;

But like stone from a strong catapult—


 * A trice—

I rushed at my terrible cult—


 * That’s vice—

Observe the unpleasant result!


 * Not nice.

Indeed I am telling the truth!

Oh, innocent, happy though poor!


 * That’s we—

If I had been virtuous, I’m sure—


 * Like me—

I should be as nice-looking as you’re!


 * May be,

You are very nice looking indeed!

Oh, innocents, listen in time—


 * We doe,

Avoid an existence of crime—


 * Just so—

Or you’ll be as ugly as I’m—


 * No! No!

And now, if you please, we’ll proceed.

Heather carves Noah’s face
The LAL reference does not have the singer changes noted in the original. Excerpts from the Incantation Scene from The Sorcerer:

Sprites of earth and air—

Fiends of flame and fire—

Demon souls,

Come here in shoals,

This dreadful deed inspire!

Appear! Appear! Appear!


 * Good master, we are here!


 * Let us fly to a far-off land,


 * Where peace and plenty dwell—


 * Where the sigh of the silver strand


 * Is echoed in every shell


 * To the joy that land will give,


 * On the wings of Love we’ll fly;


 * In innocence there to live—


 * In innocence there to die!


 * Too late—too late


 * It may not be!


 * That happy fate


 * Is not for thee!

Now, shriveled hags, with poison bags,

Discharge your loathsome loads!

Spit flame and fire, unholy choir!

Belch forth your venom, toads!

Ye demons fell, with yelp and yell,

Shed curses far afield—

Ye fiends of night, your filthy blight

In noisome plenty yield!

Number One!


 * It is done!

Number Two!


 * One too few!

Number Three!


 * Set us free!


 * Set us free—our work is done!


 * Set us free—our course is run!

A small mercy
In the face-carving scene, Heather advises Noah that he will suffer less if he screams quickly. Noah is skeptical of her motives, but Heather explains she has enough burdening her soul as it its. After considering his options, Noah decides to cooperate. Verses from Ruddigore:

[http://math.boisestate.edu/gas/ruddigore/web_opera/rudd21.html He yields! ] He answers to our call!

We do not ask for more.

A sturdy fellow, after all,

This latest Ruddigore!

All perish in unheard-of woe

Who dare our wills defy:

We want your pardon, ere we go.

For having agonized you so—

So pardon us—

So pardon us—

So pardon us—

Or die!


 * I pardon you!

He pardons us—

He pardons us—

Hurrah!

Painted emblems of a race,

All accurst in days of yore,

Each to his accustomed place

Steps unwillingly once more!

Wilshire dismisses Rhodes’ threats
On multiple occasions, Wilshire suggests that Rhodes doesn’t have it in him to do Noah serious harm. In the stage directions, Noah stands in for King Gama. From Act 1 finale of Princess Ida:

P’r’aps if you address the lady

Most politely, most politely—

Flatter and impress the lady,

Most politely, most politely—

Humbly beg and humbly sue—

She may deign to look on you,

But your doing you must do

Most politely, most politely!


 * Go you, and inform the lady,


 * Most politely, most politely,


 * If she don’t, we’ll storm the lady,


 * Most politely, most politely!


 * [To Gama] You’ll remain as hostage here;


 * Should Hilarion disappear,


 * We will hang you, never fear,


 * Most politely, most politely!

Rhodes pronounces sentence of death upon Noah
Rhodes has had all he can take of Wilshire’s dismissive attitude, so he instructs DeMiller to kill Noah. Trio from The Pirates of Penzance:


 * Away, away! My heart’s on fire;


 * I burn this base deception to repay!


 * This very night, my vengeance dire


 * Shall glut itself in gore. Away, away!


 * Away, away! Ere I expire—


 * I find my duty hard to do today!


 * My heart is filled with anguish dire,


 * It strikes me to the core! Away, away!

With falsehood foul

He tricked us of our brides.

Let vengeance howl;

The Pirate so decides.

Our nature stern

He softened with his lies,

And, in return,

Tonight the traitor dies.


 * Tonight he dies!

Yes, or early tomorrow.


 * His girls likewise?


 * They will welter in sorrow.

The one soft spot


 * In our natures we cherish,


 * And all those who plot

To abuse it shall perish!

Noah accepts his fate
Noah, having been told that he will die within a week, appears to accept his fate, at least outwardly. Song from The Yeomen of the Guard:

[http://math.boisestate.edu/gas/yeomen/web_opera/yeomen_05.html Is life a boon? ]

If so, it must befall,

That Death, whene’er he call

Must call too soon.

Though fourscore years he give,

Yet one would pray to live

Another moon!

What plaint have I,

Who perish in July?

I might have had to die,

Perchance, in June!

Is life a thorn?

Then count it not a whit !

Man is well done with it;

Soon as he’s born

He should all means essay

To put the plague away;

And I, war-worn,

Poor, captured fugitive,

My life most gladly give—

I might have had to live

Another morn!

Heather resolves to liberate Noah
Scene (originally a quartet) from The Yeomen of the Guard:

Alas, I waver to and fro!

Dark danger hangs upon the deed!


 * The scheme is rash and well may fail,


 * But ours are not the hearts that quail,


 * The hands that shrink, the cheeks that pale


 * In hours of need!


 * And shall I reckon risks I run


 * When services are to be done


 * To save the life of such a one?


 * Unworthy thought!


 * We may succeed—who can foretell?


 * May heaven help our hope—farewell!

Noah gives up his bed to Heather
When Heather falls asleep, Noah carries her to his bed. Act 2 Opening chorus & solo from The Pirates of Penzance

Oh, dry the glistening tear

That dews that martial cheek;

Thy loving children hear,

In them thy comfort seek.

With sympathetic care

Their arms around thee creep,

For oh, they cannot bear

To see their father weep!


 * Dear father, why leave your bed


 * At this untimely hour,


 * When happy daylight is dead,


 * And darksome dangers lower ?


 * See heaven has lit her lamp,


 * The midnight hour is past,


 * The chilly night air is damp,


 * And the dews are falling fast!


 * Dear father, why leave your bed


 * When happy daylight is dead?

An avenging angel takes wing
Heather is dispatched, with Noah in tow, to follow up a lead on Wilshire’s whereabouts. Recitative verse from Thespis; the music has been lost:

Oh rage and fury! Oh shame and sorrow!

We’ll be resuming our ranks tomorrow,

Since from Olympus we have departed,

We’ve been distracted and brokenhearted.

Oh wicked Thespis! Oh villain scurvy;

Through him Olympus is topsy-turvy!

Compelled to silence to grin and bear it!

He’s caused our sorrow and he shall share it.

Where is the monster? Avenge his blunders,

He has awakened Olympian thunders.

Sunrise scene & Crying scene
Sunrise scene (verse 1) and Crying scene (verse 2); madrigal from The Mikado:

Brightly dawns our wedding day;

Joyous hour, we give thee greeting!

Whither, whither art thou fleeting?

Fickle moment, prithee stay!

What though mortal joys be hollow?

Pleasures come, if sorrows follow:

Though the tocsin sound, ere long,

Ding dong! Ding dong!

Yet until the shadows fall

Over one and over all,

Sing a merry madrigal—

A madrigal! [all weep]

Let us dry the ready tear,

Though the hours are surely creeping

Little need for woeful weeping,

Till the sad sundown is near.

All must sip the cup of sorrow—

I today and thou tomorrow;

This the close of every song—

Ding, dong! Ding, dong!

What, though solemn shadows fall,

Sooner, later, over all?

Sing a merry madrigal—

A madrigal! [all weep]

Airport scene
When Heather presents her skull card to the airport security screener, he grumbles about the Organization but obediently deactivates the detector so Heather can get through with her weapons. Song from The Pirates of Penzance:

When a felon’s not engaged in his employment,

Or maturing his felonious little plans,

His capacity for innocent enjoyment

Is just as great as any honest man’s.

Our feelings we with difficulty smother

When constabulary duty’s to be done.

Ah, take one consideration with another,

A policeman’s lot is not a happy one.

When the enterprising burglar’s not a-burgling,

When the cutthroat isn’t occupied in crime,

He loves to hear the little brook a-gurgling

And listen to the merry village chime.

When the coster ’s finished jumping on his mother,

He loves to lie a-basking in the sun—

Ah, take one consideration with another,

A policeman’s lot is not a happy one.

Crying scene
First verse of a duet from Ruddigore. Readers so inclined may visualize Heather as the first voice and Noah as the second:

I once was a very abandoned person—


 * Making the most of evil chances,

Nobody could conceive a worse ‘un—


 * Even in all the old romances.

I blush for my wild extravagances,

But be so kind

To bear in mind,


 * We were the victims of circumstances!

Heather instructs Noah
Heather, preparing to intrude upon Wilshire and his paramour, reminds Noah to play along, since he is supposed to be her prisoner. Readers so inclined may visualize Heather as the first voice and Noah as the second in this duet from Ruddigore:

[http://math.boisestate.edu/gas/ruddigore/web_opera/rudd14.html You understand? ]


 * I think I do;


 * With vigor unshaken


 * This step shall be taken.


 * It’s neatly planned.

I think so too;

I’ll readily bet it

You’ll never regret it!


 * For duty, duty must be done;


 * The rule applies to everyone,


 * And painful though that duty be,


 * To shirk the task were fiddle-de-dee!


 * The bridegroom comes—

Likewise the bride—

The maidens are very

Elated and merry;

They are her churns,


 * To lash their pride


 * Were almost a pity,


 * The pretty committee!


 * But duty, duty must be done;


 * The rule applies to everyone,


 * And painful though that duty be,


 * To shirk the task were fiddle-de-dee!

A party at the door
Heather prepares to enter the Mendez house, by force if she must, to confront Wilshire. Chorus & solo from The Pirates of Penzance. (The tune for the section beginning “Come, friends who plow the sea” later became the tune for “Hail, hail, the gang’s all here”.)


 * [Chorus without, in the distance]

A rollicking band of pirates we,

Who, tired of tossing on the sea,

Are trying their hand at a burglary

With weapons grim and gory.


 * Hush, hush! I hear them on the manor poaching,


 * With stealthy steps the pirates are approaching.


 * [Chorus, resumed nearer]

We are not coming for plate or gold—

A story General Stanley told—

We seek a penalty fifty-fold,

For General Stanley’s story.


 * They come in force, with stealthy stride,


 * Our obvious course is now—to hide.


 * [very loud]

With cat-like tread,

Upon our prey we steal,

In silence dread

Our cautious way we feel.

No sound at all,

We never speak a word,

A fly’s footfall

Would be distinctly heard.

So stealthily the pirate creeps,

While all the household soundly sleeps.

Come, friends who plow the sea;

Truce to navigation

Take another station

Let’s vary piracy

With a little burglary.


 * Here’s your crowbar, and your centerbit,


 * Your life preserver —you may want to hit;


 * Your silent matches, your dark lantern sieze—


 * Take your file and your skeletonic keys.

Heather gains entry
Seeing her chance, Heather kicks open the door, gains entry to the Mendez house, and confronts Wilshire. She informs him that she is authorized to kill Noah if see sees fit.

Scene and song excerpted from Act 2 Finale of Princess Ida (MIDI file 3:16 – 8:46):


 * Madam, without the castle walls


 * An armed band


 * Demand admittance to our halls


 * For Hildebrand!


 * Deny them!


 * We will defy them!


 * Too late—too late!


 * The castle gate


 * Is battered by them!


 * Walls and fences scaling,


 * Promptly we appear;


 * Walls are unavailing,


 * We have entered here.


 * Female execration


 * Stifle if you’re wise;


 * Stop your lamentation,


 * Dry you pretty eyes!

Rend the air with wailing,

Shed the shameful tear!

Walls are unavailing,

Man has entered here!

Shame and desecration

Are his staunch allies,

Let your lamentation

Echo to the skies!


 * Audacious tyrant, do you dare


 * To beard a maiden in her lair?


 * Since you inquire,


 * We’ve no desire


 * To beard a maiden here, or anywhere!


 * Some years ago


 * No doubt you know


 * (And if you don’t, I’ll tell you so)


 * You gave your troth


 * Upon your oath


 * To Hilarion my son.


 * A vow you make


 * You must not break,


 * (If you think you may, it’s a great mistake),


 * For a bride’s a bride


 * Though the knot were tied


 * At the early age of one!


 * And I’m a peppery kind of king


 * Who’s indisposed to parleying


 * To fit the wit of a bit of a chit ,


 * And that’s the long and the short of it!


 * If you decide


 * To pocket your pride


 * And let Hilarion claim his bride,


 * Why well and good,


 * It’s understood


 * We’ll let bygones go by—


 * But if you choose


 * To sulk in the blues


 * I’ll make the whole of you shake in your shoes.


 * I’ll storm your walls


 * And level your halls


 * In the twinkling of an eye


 * For I’m a peppery potentate


 * Who’s little inclined his claim to bate


 * To fit the wit of a bit of a chit,


 * And that’s the long and the short of it!


 * We may remark, though nothing can


 * Dismay us,


 * That if you offend this gentleman,


 * He’ll slay us.


 * We don’t fear death, of course—we’re taught


 * To shame it;


 * But still upon the whole we thought


 * We’d name it.


 * Our interests we would not press


 * With chatter,


 * Three hulking brothers more or less


 * Don’t matter;


 * If you would pooh-pooh this monarch’s plan,


 * Pooh-pooh it,


 * But when he says he’ll hang a man,


 * He’ll do it.


 * Be reassured, nor fear his anger blind,


 * His menaces are idle as the wind,


 * He dares not kill you—vengeance lurks behind!


 * We rather think he dares, but never, never mind!


 * I rather think I dare, but never, never mind!

Wilshire dismisses Heather’s threat
Heather threatens to kill Noah before Wilshire’s eyes; but Wilshire, seeing a hint of hesitation in Heather, concludes that she is all talk and doesn’t think the Organization poses much of a threat, either. Heather is momentarily at a loss for how to proceed. Trio from Utopia, Limited:

If you think that, when banded in unity,

We may both be defied with impunity,

You are sadly misled of a verity!


 * If you value repose and tranquility,


 * You’ll revert to a state of docility,


 * Or prepare to regret your temerity!


 * If my speech is unduly refractory


 * You will find it a course satisfactory


 * At a early Board meeting to show it up.


 * Though if proper excuse you can trump any,


 * You may wind up a Limited Company,


 * You cannot conveniently blow it up!


 * Whene’er I chance to baffle you,


 * I, also, dance a step or two—


 * Of this now guess the hidden sense:


 * It means—complete indifference.


 * As we’ve a dance for every mood


 * With  pas de trois  we will conclude.


 * What this may mean you all may guess—


 * It typifies remorselessness!


 * It means unruffled cheerfulness!

Heather defers to Noah
Sensing that Noah wishes to speak to his father, Heather stands aside so that he may do so. Duet from Utopia, Limited:

With fury deep we burn—

We fume with smothered rage—

These Englishmen who rule supreme,

Their undertaking they redeem

By stifling every harmless scheme

In which we both engage.


 * We think it is our turn—


 * We think our turn has come—


 * These Englishmen, they must prepare


 * To seek at once their native air.


 * The King, as heretofore, we swear,


 * Shall be beneath our thumb—


 * For this musn’t be,


 * And this won’t do,


 * If you’ll back me,


 * Then I’ll back you,


 * No, this won’t do,


 * No, this mustn’t be.

Noah confronts his father
Song from Trial By Jury:

With a sense of deep emotion,

I approach this painful case;

For I never had a notion

That a man could be so base,

Or deceive a girl confiding,

Vows, etcetera, deriding.

See my interesting client,

Victim of a heartless wile!

See the traitor all defiant

Wear a supercilious smile!

Sweetly smiled my client on him,

Coyly wooed and gently won him.

Swiftly fled each honeyed hour

Spent with this unmanly male!

Camberwell became a bower,

Peckham an Arcadian Vale,

Breathing concentrated otto—

An existence ala Watteau.

Picture, then, my client naming,

And insisting on the day:

Picture him excuses framing—

Going from her far away;

Doubly criminal to do so, For the maid had bought her  trousseau !

Glossary
Baronet: The lowest of British hereditary titles, below a Baron (“Lord” in British parlance) and above a Knight

Bath bun: a pastry named for its place of origin, the town of Bath.

Bathing machine: a mobile booth where women could preserve decorum when changing into their bathing suits.

Brave: (archaic) noble. Use of the archaic meaning is especially common in The Yeomen of the Guard because that play is set in the Tudor period, but also appears at times in other G&S plays.

Chit: an impertinent woman, similar to a minx.

Clerk: pronounced “clark” in the British fashion.

Coster: short for costermonger, originally a person who sells small apples called costers, but later a seller of produce generally. Costermongers had a reputation for being brutish and ill-mannered.

Dear: expensive. This usage, while still extant, is no longer common.

Hunter: a horse used for hunting.

Indite: dictate

Life preserver: a nonlethal weapon, now called a “blackjack”.

Lower: threaten. Rhymes with “hour”

M.P.: Member of Parliament

Old Bailey: London’s Central Criminal Court is commonly known as “The Old Bailey”

Pas de trois: a dance for three parts.

Peeler: (slang) policeman, after the reformer Robert Peel (1788-1850). “Bobby”, also slang for a policeman, has the same origin.

Pipe-lights: matches.

Prithee: short for “I pray thee”. The modern equivalent is “please”, short for “if you please”

Quarter-day: the day quarterly rents are collected, so “as sure as a quarter-day” is equivalent to “as sure as death and taxes”

Recitative: essentially, operatic talk-singing. Recitatives tend to not be very tuneful, and may be in either rhymed or blank verse. Grand operas deliver substantially all dialogue in this style, whereas light (aka comic) operas such as the G&S plays most commonly use recitative to introduce a song.

Snuff: The charred part of a candlewick

Tar: (slang) a British sailor.

Tocsin: an alarm bell or other warning signal

Troth: promise

Trow: believe

Whit: the smallest imaginable portion of something

Work’us: (substandard) workhouse, a.k.a. poorhouse.