User blog:Oatmeal-/"How NOT to Pick Up Chicks" (A Story)

Chapters

Chapter 1 - "What's wrong with them?!"
A man walked in and he had an aftershave; he walked in with his 80’s style trainer shoes, a pink polo, which the collar was puffed up, dark skinny jeans, and big white-rimmed sunglasses. He pointed at the board, it was labeled in big bold letters, “Mister, AYEEE JAYEEE!” in small font, “The coolest guy you’ll ever know.” A group of young men walked in; a short man who was holding a bowl of mysterious food, a chunky tall man who was walking in slouched over with his hands in his hoodie’s pockets, a large man also walked in without a shirt he had a big O tattooed on his belly, another man walked in politely with his hair combed to the side and he was wearing sweater vest and slacks, and the last man to walk in was wearing nothing and was holding a chicken. After they all took their sets, AJ began talking, “So, uhh. Welcome to the class, everyone. This is the college class on How to get Chicks to talk to you. I am your teacher” he stopped momentarily and pointed at the board. “I’m Mr.AJ, and I am here to help you. Let’s start off with a few questions about girls.” Everyone’s hand’s shot up.

“You first my good man,” AJ pointed at the man who was wearing an O, “Tell me your name, and tell me what’s wrong with you; and err, Why there is an O on your stomach.” AJ tried to smile but failed, “On other hand, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.”

“Uh yeah, my name, is wait; do you want FULL name or do you want like an alias?” The man scratched his head, “You know what? I’ll just tell you both, Dan BK, and I’m known as the Big O. See this O on my stomach?” He pointed down, and traced out the O with his finger, “This is to let everyone know I’m in town, so if they are driving down the road they’ll see the O! That way, I’ll never be forgotten like all those other people!”

AJ was dazed, “Wha-? Oh yeah, cool, good for you. NEXT!” Everyone stared blankly from the seats, “I forgot I didn’t get you guy’s get in lines. Lines are for losers. Right? Everyone, repeat after me, LINES are for LOSERS, LINES are for LOSERS!” Everyone repeated, except there was a person who was louder than everyone.”

“Bluck, Bluck, BAWWWWWK, Bluck, Bluck BAWWWWWK,” the chicken flapped its wings along the cloth-less male who cuddling it.

“Woah, Nelly! Watch it! Watch the eyes! This chicken here is ace-high, and it’s According to Hoyle! But this chicken here is soon to go to the born orchard, we dinkered Dinero. So here’s the shindig that I was invited to? This place me righty darn tootin’ bad! Come on shoot! Tell me your name! I be Jaune Luke, but my friend’s call me Farmer Chuck. “ he exclaimed, while holding the chicken in a sleeper holder. “Hush my little chicken, hush.” The chicken fell to the ground presumably asleep.

“Alright, I guess? Keep your chicken chill, aight’? Next person! Who’s not a little baby? Introduce yourself!” AJ yelled out. There was an awkward silence, “So Chunky Monkey and Food in a Bowl are left? Losers. It’s okay; they won’t hurt you. But, if you don’t talk, I will!”

Chunky Monkey stood up, and was over a foot taller than AJ, “Uh, my name is Nalyd. I don’t know why I’m here. Some of my friends force me to go to this class. What was his name? Kevin. Smehvin. Levin. Felkvin… Beats me, but I have a nasty secret. I don’t want to tell you but, I keep a watermelon inside my shirt, I’m waiting for it to hatch. It’ll have little baby watermelons!” he patted his stomach.

Food in a Bowl shifted to the side, “I’m Oatmeal, I mean. This food is Oatmeal, The name’s Shawn. That’s the food that I like to carry around. What happens if like a zombie comes? You throw Oatmeal in its eye, and you win. You win life. That’s how babies are made, Oatmeal. So one day, when I’m like 22, I’ll buy like 6 packs of Oatmeal, and impregnate the whole world, both males and female. World Domination! ” He patted his chest with his fist and shoved his fist into the air.

“So, this is the class I’m teaching? Well, you are going to need A LOT of work. Next time you’re in class. You’re going on a practice date to see what you actually do, please dress not naked.” He glared at Farmer Chuck. “Just act natural. Oh boy, let’s see how that turns out. PEACE OUT SUCKERS!” He put the peace sign up in the air, and then walked out of the room.

To be continued.