The Ultimate Battle Part 1

The island was being bombarded by clouds, thunder and lightning.

Chris was breathing into a bag being held by Chef as he held an umbrella in his other hand while eight of the contestants watched.

Gwen: "Are you okay?"

Chris: "Oh yes, I am very okay, very okay!"

DJ: "Oh good, I thought you were going nuts there for a moment!"

Chris: "Going nuts, why would I go nuts, I mean I have a great job hosting this show, although I haven't been told by the producer's that there'll be another season yet, so..." (chuckles) "...Oh wait, I remember now, there's a crazy evil genius and a guy who has multiple personality disorder who's trying to destroy my WAY OF LIFE, AND YOU EXPECT ME TO BE CALM?"

Duncan: "Geez, he's acting like the world's going to end!"

Chef: "His world really!"

Dawn: "How about you do your little introduction before we begin this final challenge? That'll probably calm you down!"

Chris: (sighs) "Fine! Last time on Total Drama All Stars, the final three were presented with a homage to Season 1's Rejected Olympic Relay Race in order to see who would make it to the final challenge, which I've named the Five Levels of Total Drama!"

Gwen: "Like I said before, that's not a really good name!"

Chris: "SHUT UP! Anyway, someone won, someone lost..."

Scott: "But your not going to say who?"

Chris: "No, because I have something else on my mind, like Scarlett trying to kill us, again!"

Sierra: "You forgot to mention Mal as well!"

Chris: "Who cares! I mean, why try to change anything! This isn't life, this isn't even anything representing life But it's life for me! It's pretty pathetic, but it's all I got! I know what you're saying, "Oh, well that's pretty sad," well yeah, it is (bleep) sad! I don't get to go out and hang with friends, I don't even have any friends! I have nobody to contribute anything to, I have nobody to talk to, or bounce things off of, or say, "Hey, what'd ya think of that," "well, I'll tell ya what I think of that," no, it's just me. Bitching and moaning like I always do. (at this point, he starts talking more rapidly) And someone's saying, "well that's a pretty sad existence," well yeah, it is a pretty sad existence JUST STANDING HERE TALKING ABOUT TOTAL (bleep) DRAMA! I MEAN FOR GOD'S SAKE, I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING! I've never done anything to make someone's life better, or-or-or-or-or, gone to play a game with somebody- I'd LOVE to play a game with somebody! Wouldn't it be great, I mean somebody's just like, "Hey why don't you come over and play this game with us?" "What game?" "Parcheesi," I don't know what the (bleep) people are playing, but you know what?! It'd be nice! It'd be nice to be invited! I've never even gone out to a, a bar with somebody, hang with some friends, I've never gone to a, a golf club- okay I've gone to a couple golf clubs, but I've never gone with anybody! I've never been there, and actually been like... okay, not with people, but STILL, you know what?! It'd be nice! It'd be nice just ONE DAY to go somewhere! Or somebody's just having a good time, and somebody just says outta nowhere, "Hey, you know what? THAT guy was okay! Not great, but he was okay!" instead of, "Hey! Who was that little (bleep)?!" Well I'll tell ya who that (bleep) is! HE'S CHRIS MCCLAIN, THE HOST OF TOTAL DRAMA! HE HOSTS THIS SHOW SO YOU DON'T (bleep) HAVE TO! EVEN THOUGH, EVERY (bleep) DAY HE EXISTS, HE WISHES HE DIDN'T HAVE TO! HE WISHES HE DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS (bleep), TO MAKE YOU WATCH AND GET YOU RATINGS, AND WHY DOES IT HAPPEN?! WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING BACK, BECAUSE YOU'RE (bleep) SICK, AND I'M (bleep) STUPID! THAT'S THE WAY IT IS! IT'S THE WAY IT'S ALWAYS GONNA BE! THERE IS NO CHANGE, THERE IS NO FUTURE! THERE IS NO PAST! THE PRESENT IS A JOKE, EVERYTHING IS HELL! MY LIFE IS HELL! THIS IS THE WORST THING A HUMAN BEING COULD EVER GO THROUGH! (screams at the top of his lungs) So, let's start. Uh, this is where I usually show a few clips from the episode...and I of course talk over them in my own sarcastic way! Yeah, because that's EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED TO DO WITH MY LIFE..."

Chef: "Just start the theme song, he's not going to stop!"

--

Total Drama All Stars theme song plays

--

As Chris continues to shout obscenities, Chef places a giant bag over him.

Gwen: "So, he's not going stop anytime soon, right?"

Chef: "Nope, so it looks like I'm going to be the host as of now!"

Then the interns took the bag with the insane Chris away.

Chef: "You two girls, make your way through the five Levels of Total Drama, the rest of you, find Scarlett and Mal and save the others who cameo this season! After that, climb the pyramid, get the sword off the stone and you'll win one... million... dollars!!!"

Brick: "Well, let's get going ladies and gentlemen!"

Then everyone went with their goals.

Zoey: (confessional and sighs) "Well, things are getting intense now." (serious) "But if we all going to survive and stop Mal and Scarlett, time to be rough!" (smirks) "Commando tough!"

--

Meanwhile in a secret room, Mal and Scarlett are watching the monitors on-screen.

Scarlett: (laughs) "The fools thought they have a chance against me?"

Mal: "You meant us, and nope, they won't." (folds his arms, smirking) "Still, I'm surprised you still need my help after backstabbing each other."

Scarlett: "You're only the muscle, I'm the planner here. After my Drop of Shame, I was lucky to land at a new spot to work on my master plan: brainwash all the continents and conquer the Island, thanks to Max's mind control helmets."

Mal: (confessional) "Not a bad plan. But if someone is ruling the island, it's me!"

--

Inside Mike's mind...

Mike and the rest of his personalities are all tied to a boulder, struggling to get out

Mike: "When I get out of here, Mal is going to pay!"

Manitoba Smith: "How? This dingo seems unstoppable!"

Vito: "Nothing's impossible bro!"

Mike: "Yeah, but it's so difficult right now!"

--

Back in reality...

Mal: "So where are these adolescents?"

--

Inside the forest, the rest of the contestants are wandering around.