Back from an unexplained hiatus three years since S.S. Total Drama, Chris McLean is back to the hosting gig, holding a reality competition in his own family's farm: Ranch Total Drama.
Characters[]
Staff
Chris McLean - The Returning Host
Marge McLean - The Host's Grandma
Contestants
Amyah - The Nitpicker
Angelique - The Free Spirit
Cillian - The Troublemaker
Colin - The Overachiever
Eric - The Beach Bum
Foreman - The Intimidating Guy
Frankie - The Afterthought
Halle - The Egotist
Ishtar - The Oddball
Lana - The Self-Loather
Lance - The Untamed
Lionel - The Rancher
Larissa - The Horse Girl
Mallory - The Pretty Girl
Mathew - The Bad Boy
Pablo - The Scholar
Patricia - The Reality TV Fanatic
Ryan - The Bleeding Heart
Terry - The Amateur Writer
Vinnie - The Cool Teacher
Teams[]
Broken Oxen
Drama Llamas
Mountain Goats
Ugly Ducklings
Chapters[]
Chapter 1 - If Four Ride on a Horse...[]
It is a sunny morning in the countryside, and two fairly well-kempt horses pull an old-fashioned cart through a rugged ground road amid a grass field. They carry a party of four towards what seems like a large farm estate.
Among the group who sits in the horse cart is one familiar face, although this time sporting a pixie cut. “So,” the blonde asks the fellow passengers, “am I the only returnee here?”
One of the newbies speaks up, “Unfortunately, I cannot answer you that,” the curly haired man, wrapped in way too many scarves for a sunny morning flickers his wrist, “I was too busy writing my masters dissertation for the last two years. No time to watch reality shows.”
“Well, I better not be,” the blonde answers, “Returnee seasons with a mostly newbie cast are so cheap.” She starts tapping her chin.
One of the newbies, an excessively short person who wears thick, square glasses raises their hand and speaks softly, “Well, actually...”
“Although,” the blonde muses, seeming to ignore the comment, “When this happens it’s usually rigged for the returnee, in which case...”
The fourth passenger speaks up, “Patricia,” he is a tall, hefty, long-haired man with several piercings and a fourth of his head shaved, “Do you really not remember me or is this just a bit to get more airtime?”
Patricia gasps, “Of course!” she says before leaning in for a hug, “How could I forget Pothead Jared from English Literature 3?”
The man rolls his eyes, “I swear I’m trying to be nicer, but-”
The shorter newcomer speaks up again, “Patricia, that’s Mathew.”
“Thanks, girl!” Mathew says, eyes lighting up, as he motions to said newcomer, “What’s your name again?”
The newbie winces, but answers with a sigh, “Frankie.”
Patricia frowns, “Oh, you,” she says to Mathew, ignoring Frankie, “Sorry, didn’t recognize you without Carlos’ balls down your-” the horse cart comes to a sudden halt.
“Thanks, buddy,” the scarf-clad newcomer whispers to the horse. He then turns to Frankie, “Is she always that... passionate?” to which Frankie answers with a nod.
The same newcomer jumps out of the cart, helps Frankie out, then motions towards the large farm estate’s gate that reads ‘Ranch Total Drama’, “Lovebirds, we’ve arrived,” he shouts at a quarreling Patricia and Mathew, “I’m Pablo by the way, thank you for asking.” He says before rolling his eyes and heading towards the gate, followed by the other three.
Across the gate, Chris McLean awaits besides a petite elderly woman in a rocking chair. A warm smile forms on her wrinkly face, which is shaped similarly to the infamous host’s.
Riding the second horse cart are two familiar faces of opposite genders. The blond man has long, flowing hair, pale skin, bright blue eyes and a youthful smile, and wears skinny jeans and a light-blue V-neck shirt. The freckled brunette’s style seems more... eccentric, as she wears a black blazer over a band t-shirt, a black pencil skirt over fishnet stockings, and an American Flag bandana over her long, uncombed hair.
One of the newcomers, a wide-eyed girl of seemingly Middle-Eastern descent – given her headdress –, sniffs around with a raised eyebrow, “Man, these horses got some severe gastrointestinal distress.” She points out.
The brunette veteran speaks up, “Halle’s deduction skills point another direction,” she quips before glaring at the other newcomer: a sun-tanned, muscular, blond man clad in a sleeveless shirt, khaki shorts and flip flops.
“Duuude,” he speaks up, “Who’s Hayley?”
“Bro, what do you mean?” the brunette responds playfully, pretending to be offended, before offering a handshake, “Halle Foyer, future lawyer. Also, you farted, didn’t you?”
“The plot thickens,” the female newbie comments.
“Whaaat? Your last name is Foyer?” asks the muscular newcomer before changing the subject, “Also, yeah, that was me. Sorry, can’t contain the nerves of being on TV,” he rubs his stomach, “The protein shakes I had before coming didn’t help,” he chuckles, “And the horses would have been great scapegoats if it wasn’t for you meddling brosky,” he laughs before fist-bumping Halle, “Name’s Eric. By the way, how did you find that out, man?”
Halle puffs her chest proudly, “Horses are herbivores,” she says, raising a finger, “and this smelled a little more on the...” she taps her chin, “Beefy side.”
“Wow,” the female newcomer says mouth agape, “I’m Ishtar, please initiate me in the fine art of fart connoisseurship,” she pleads.
The blond veteran stares at the unfolding scene in disgust and disbelief, then sighs, “Sure you have a great nose for flatulence,” he addresses Halle, “But those detective skills don’t seem to be helping you figure out who I am, huh?” he chuckles smugly.
“Oh, I know you very well, Cillian,” Halle answers nonchalantly, “I just chose not to acknowledge you after what you did to T-dawg’s hair back in S.S.,” she winks, “Good thing someone had the deduction skills to figure that out and kick you off first,” she turns to Eric and Ishtar, “So, as I was saying...”
Cillian observes the group while gritting his teeth.
“Frankie! Mathew! Pablo! Patricia!” a visibly greyer Chris McLean greets the first four to arrive, “Welcome to my ranch...”
“My ranch!” the elderly woman interrupts grumpily.
“Welcome to our ranch,” he continues with a proud smile as his elder rolls her eyes, “Ranch Total Drama!”
Frankie raises a finger, “Is that the name of the show or the name of the ranch?” she asks as her voice trails.
“Looking great, Chris,” Patricia addresses the host’s hair, “How long ago have you decided to drop the dye?”
Chris barks, “Well, I’ll tell you-”
But he is once again interrupted by the old lady, “Well, I’m glad you agree that Chrissy is looking just precious,” she says giddily, “I too have always been fond of embracing my natural self,” she says before patting her poofy white hair and smiling sweetly.
“Wait,” Pablo speaks up, “Are you his sister or something?”
“Nice,” Patricia snickers while Mathew brings his hand to his face.
Chris huffs, “Well, I was going to wait for all contestants to arrive before introducing my sweet grandma Marge,” he says, motioning to the lady who brushes the compliments off with a flick of her wrist, “But since you decided it’s roast the host season before the show has even started, I have to take some extreme measu-“
Marge McLean
“I-I am truly sorry,” Pablo stutters before taking a pair of thick, round glasses from among his many scarves, “I was not in my full capabilities when making that observation,” he says before bowing, “I withdraw my unintentionally rude remark.”
Patricia rolls her eyes, “Oh, he’s for real,” she grumbles, “How boring.”
“I’ll let that one slide,” Chris said, “But just because I don’t want any blood shed before my sweet grandma’s eyes.” Pablo gulps.
“Yoooo, Christopher Coolumbus!” a voice echoes through the gates of the farm estate. It is Halle, her arms wrapped around Ishtar and Eric, followed by a sulking Cillian, “Nice pick of newbies, these guys right here are siiiick!”
“Yo, Halle,” Chris greets the newcomer, “How’s law school treating ya?”
Patricia scoffs to Mathew, “Look at this blatant display of favoritism.”
Ishtar gasps, “Whaaaa? You go to law school?”
“Of course, Ishi Bashi,” Halle says, “Did you think Halle Foyer future lawyer was just empty bragging?”
“Seemed on-brand,” Cillian mutters under his breath.
On the third horse cart sit two familiar faces. The long-haired man of East-Asian descent turns towards a pale, skinny girl “Lana!” he smiles wide, “Didn’t expect to see you of all people back! Well,” he scratches the back of his head, “To be fair, I didn’t expect to be called back either.”
Lana shifts awkwardly on her seat, “Yeah, me neither,” she eyes the other two passengers: a long-haired brunette clad in denim and boots, who giddily pats the horse’s back, and a tan-skinned old man who seems to be the cart’s ‘driver’. Her eyes go back to her friend’s shirt, “Love the shirt, by the way. Very... Ryan.” She points to the green shirt that reads ‘Bowling Mom’.
“It means a lot,” he says, tugging at it, “So, how pumped are you for a new shot at-” Ryan is interrupted by the brunette, who immediately turns to them.
“Aww, that’s not fair!” the girl pouts in a high-pitched, almost childish voice, “I can’t compete against a preexisting couple.”
Lana blushes, blurting out at the newbie, “We’re not a-”
“Oh, don’t worry about that,” Ryan interrupts his flustered castmate, “We were just teammates on a reality show some years ago.”
“Really?” the newcomer raises her eyebrow.
“Next thing you know I could be stabbing her in the back!” Ryan playfully says before winking at an uncomfortable Lana and laughing, “Don’t worry, newbie, it’s an even playing field. By the way, I’m Ryan, you?”
“Larissa. Love the ponytail by the way,” she says, grabbing Ryan’s hair as he smiles awkwardly.
“Thanks, nice...” he eyes Larissa up and down before settling on the gaudy horse depicted on her top, “Nice shirt. Love the horse.”
Larissa’s eyes light up, “You too?”
But before Ryan can explain himself, the old man announces in a drawl as the horses come to a halt, “We’re here,” he points to the farm estate’s gate that reads ‘Ranch Total Drama’ before jumping out of the cart and helping Larissa down.
The next one helped down by the old man is Lana, “Thanks, mister,” she politely says, “Are we the first ones to arrive?”
“How would I know?” he answers, “We’re all on the same boat aren’t we?” the old man guffaws as Lana, Larissa and Ryan share an astonished look upon the realization that the old man is a fellow contestant.
“Lionel by the way,” he introduces himself, unaware of the shock.
“Congrats on the job, Mal,” a muscular, unnaturally tan man with spiky gelled hair says to a brunette, who seems to be dressed for a day at the beach. He hugs her tightly.
The now brunette Mallory responds, “’grats on the admission, Lance,” she says before kissing the man’s cheek and slapping his plump butt, “So proud of you. Can’t wait for my momma to receive a face-lift straight from your hands.”
The two S.S. Total Drama alumni break from the hug and jump onto a horse cart where two newcomers await with a perplexed look on their faces.
A scruffy man of average build puts on a smile and greets the two, “Wow, can’t believe it’s Mallory and Lance from S.S. Total Drama! I loved you guys! Didn’t expect to see you here. I’m Vinnie,” he offers a hand.
“Thanks, man,” Lance grabs his hand and jumps in the cart.
Mallory follows suit and turns to the other newcomer, a tall, lanky girl with long, hip-length locs of hair. She is not displeased, but is nowhere near as excited as Vinnie “What about you?” Mallory asks with a smile, her breasts poking the girl’s side “Do you love us too?”
“Eeeeh,” the slender woman shifts uncomfortably, “Let’s say love is a strong word. But I did appreciate everyone in the cast back when I watched S.S.,” she thinks, “Well, mostly everyone.”
“Ooooh,” Vinnie chimes in, “Who didn’t you like, Amyah? Come on, spill the tea!” he eyes the two veterans and scratches the back of his head, “Unless it’s one of these two, of course.”
“Nah, you guys are great,” Amyah says to the former Clam Chowders as they smile, “But Mallory, girl... you need to find your independence, forget Carlos a little and focus on your game!” Mallory looks contemplative.
“And Lance...” Amyah starts as the tanned man’s eyes widen, “Seeing an unapologetically gay man on TV like you, you were such an inspiration to me,” Lance smiles widely and starts tearing up a bit, “I was rooting for you so hard! But then...” Lance’s smile drops, “How could you bow down to Carlos and let him walk all over you with his rampant homophobia? Not a good look, sis...”
Lance looks astounded, his mouth is agape but no words come from it, until Vinnie breaks the ice, “Jeez, you sure have a lot of opinions,” he adds, “I take it you don’t like Carlos very much?”
“One could say that,” answers Amyah.
Mallory puts her hand on the other girl’s shoulder, “Girl, then I know someone who you’ll get along with very well,” she says, half-jokingly.
Back at the gate, Patricia gasps loudly, “Wait, Chris. Please tell me that Kentucky Carlos isn’t returning too...”
The host rubs his hands mischievously, “Only time will tell,” he taunts, “He could be coming any time now...”
“Ay y’all!” a southern drawl echoes from the gate, causing Patricia to jump. The contestants turn to see Lionel, the elderly newcomer, followed by Lana, Larissa and Ryan, “Hope you young city folk are ready to swim with the fishies!” he says before flexing his nonexistent biceps and guffawing loudly.
“Isn’t that a mafia idiom?” Mathew whispers to Pablo, who shrugs.
Patricia gives a sigh of relief, “Thank god,” she says before her eyes widen again, “Wait, a minute, that could still be Carlos, couldn’t it? I wouldn’t be surprised if he aged that badly.”
Marge McLean glares at Patricia, “Respect your elders, missy!” she scolds before turning to the Southern man, “And what would your name be, young man?” she winks.
“Lionel,” he says, “Nice to meet ya.”
“Sick hairdo, bro,” Halle gives the old man a thumbs up, referring to the abundance of wild, white strands that grew solely on the sides of his head, leaving a big bald spot above, “Hope by 75 I’ll get mine like that. You know, balding doesn’t discriminate by gender in the Foyer Family.” She chuckles at her own joke.
As soon as the word “bro” comes out of Halle’s mouth, Lana tugs at Ryan’s shirt and whispers, “Help me.”
“What’s wrong, Lana?”
The pale girl points at the bro, “Her,” she says with spite.
“Oh, come on,” Ryan pleads, “That was so long ago. What did she even do to you again?”
“Befriended Terry,” she mumbles.
Ryan sighs, “Oh, come on! Haven’t you kept in touch with Terry through MysteryINC.com these last few years?”
“Kinda,” Lana shrugs, “She’s been dedicating more and more time to writing lately, barely has time to interact with the fans,” she glares at Halle and hisses, “Only with her collaborators.”
Ryan sighs once again and says, “Oh Lana, I think we’ll have to discuss this some other ti-”
“Aaaay,” Mallory’s voice echoes through the gates as she frolics towards the contestants, “Did you miss me? I missed you all!” she put her hand at Lana’s shoulder and says in a single breath, “Even you, who made a deal with me, immediately broke it and kicked me first out at the merge over the girl you hate the most,” she giggles and runs towards Mathew.
Ryan raises his eyebrow, “I think she means it,” he says, reassuringly.
Mallory glomps Mathew, “So glad to see you again, Matt!” she turns to Lance, who seems to be looking for something – or someone – back at the gate, and motions for him to come forward, “Come join the group hug, silly!”
“Oh. My. Word.” Lance says as he approaches the duo, “Mathew, you look...” he eyes the bad boy up and down, “Dummy thicc.”
“Thick and juicy as they say,” Mathew says playfully, blushing, “Blame it on the munchies, if you know what I mean.”
“Blaze it!” Lance adds with a laugh.
Mallory stares at the boys with a raised eyebrow, “I have no idea what you guys mean but I missed being together so much!” she pulls both to a tight group hug and squeals.
Amyah turns to Vinnie and says flatly, “Still don’t think us newbies will be at a disadvantage here?” to which he smiles awkwardly.
“Oh, come on now!” a newcomer groans at the last horse cart. The short man clad in a burgundy shirt and blue jeans has a lean, athletic physique and sports chestnut-colored shoulder-length hair. His face is tense, eyebrows furrowed, “We were the second horse cart heading to the ranch,” he barks, “But we’re going so slow that three others have passed us!”
“Chill,” the other newcomer says, mid-meditation, “This is clearly not a challenge.” The girl in a jeans jacket and a skirt has all the features of a Scandinavian, except her long, light blond mane is extremely curly.
He responds the girl in the same angry tone, “You don’t know for sure, Angelique! This is a competition,” he motions his hands towards one of the veterans, “And we’re losing because of him!”
Said veteran, none other than Foreman of S.S. Total Drama fame, towers over him with a blank expression. Although he was still wide and hefty, the round gut that once poked out of his button-up shirt in the past was now perfectly covered by an extra-large, green and yellow soccer jersey.
“What’d’ya say, gnome?”
“We’re losing because of you,” the male newcomer snaps back, veins popping through his head, “Your girth is slowing us down,” he motions his hands towards the horses, who crawl while panting with their tongues out, “You broke our horses!”
“What’ya name, gnome?”
“Colin!”
“Full name.”
“Colin Wynn,” the newbie rolls his eyes, “Why are you asking me this?”
“Sit down, Mr. Wynn,” Foreman says before turning to the other veteran, a mousy dirty-blonde clad in grey, who cowers in fear of Colin’s outbursts, “Hold on tight, Terry.”
Terry’s gaze follows the large man as he jumps out of the horse cart and detaches it from the two tired horses, “Wait, how does this guy know me?” she muses, “Have we- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
The horse cart is now in full speed, powered by Foreman himself. Terry and Colin hug each other while screaming uncontrollably, but Angelique stays in the same meditation posture.
Upon arriving at the gate to the farm estate, Foreman drops the cart down and falls to his knees, as the other three contestants step out.
The physics teacher, drenched in sweat, turns to Colin, “You’re”, he says menacingly between huffs and puffs, “Welcome.”
“Whatever,” Colin scoffs and walks away.
Angelique reaches Foreman, examines his heavy breathing, pulls out a sky-blue crystal from a satchel and silently presses it against his chest.
“What’cha doing, gnome?”
“Shhhhh, it’s healing you,” she says soothingly, “Martina brought it from her backpacking trip in Kaoh-Rong, it really does wonders.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t beli-” Foreman stops mid-sentence as he realizes that his breathing has returned to normal.
“My job here is done,” Angelique says with a smile before walking away and crossing the gate.
Foreman watches her go, eyebrow raised “Who the hell is Martina?” he asks himself.
“Wow, these teens sure got the nerve to treat you like that. Thanks for the ride,” Terry says, stopping by Foreman, “By the way, I’m sorry, I can’t help but realize that you know my name. Have we met before?”
Foreman raises an eyebrow and says, “Foreman.” Terry blinks, “S.S. Total Drama,” she blinks again, “We were on the same team, Soaring Seagulls?”
“I’m sorry,” a flustered Terry replies, “I just don’t seem to remember you.”
“It’s fine, lil’ friend,” the mountain of a man responds dryly while they walk towards the gate, “It’s not like I stand out or something.”
Terry chuckles awkwardly, “It’s not that,” she says, “It’s just that I didn’t really take the opportunity to mingle with everybody back in S.S. Total Drama. But I can’t really put my finger on why-” upon crossing the gate, Terry’s eyes widen. She lets out a loud gasp and runs in Halle’s direction, leaving Foreman in the dust. The big man sighs heavily.
“What’s taking so long, Chris?” Cillian asks the host, “I want to get this party started already!” he cracks his knuckles.
Eric adds, “Yeah, man. Are you sure there are more people coming?”
Lance rolls his eyes, “Why don’t we just disqualify them for being late and start the game already?” he asks.
“Indeed,” Pablo adds, “Plus, we haven’t had our breakfast, I’m starving out here!” he adjusts his glasses with a finger, “Figuratively.” Eric extends his hand with a bottle of protein shake, to which Pablo turns his back.
“Yeah, Chris,” Halle adds, pointing to Pablo, “Scarfy here is right. I’m so hungry I could eat a horse!”
“Don’t!” Larissa shouts from the top of her lungs, granting several concerned stares.
Ryan and Lana approach the teary girl, “Aww, it’s just an idiom,” the bleeding heart comments while Lana pats Larissa’s back.
“Yeah, there’s no reason to cry,” Lana adds, “It-”
“HALLE FOYER FUTURE LAWYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER”
“T-DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWG”
Along the last four contestants comes Terry, running in Halle’s direction with open arms. The friends share a long embrace.
Lana immediately collapses on her knees and starts crying, as Ryan hugs her and Larissa cluelessly pats her back, “It’s gonna be fine,” the horse girl says, “Or… something.”
Chris finishes laughing and wipes a tear from his eyes, “Man, I love reunions,” he says before addressing the contestants, “And there we have it, twenty contestants! Next stop, the dining hall!”
“Finally,” Eric shouts.
In the dining hall, the twenty contestants sit across four different tables. In front of each is a tray containing a fried egg, two brioches, a glass of orange juice, a slice of papaya, and a croissant.
Mathew picks up his croissant and starts inspecting its underside, “This isn’t right,” he comments with Lance, Mallory, Vinnie, Amyah and Angelique, who sat at his table “Why is Chris offering us food that’s actually edible?”
Amyah pokes a fried egg with her knife, “I mean, it’s not straight-up trash,” she says, “But edible is a stretch.”
“Aww, really?” Vinnie says between bites, “What’s wrong with it? Don’t tell me I’m eating tortoise eggs or something.”
“Worse,” Amyah starts, causing Vinnie to immediately spit it out, “The yolk is runny,” she finishes, “Gross.”
Vinnie frowns, “Wait, that’s it?” he says while gathering the eggs he spat back to his plate.
Lance gets up, “Be right back, gonna puke,” he says, as he is followed by Mallory and Mathew to another table.
“Good job mingling with the veterans,” Amyah snarks before elbowing Vinnie. Angelique longs at the two and smiles.
Chris enters the dining hall from outside with a microphone in hand, as Marge enters the hall through the kitchen, wearing an apron and a net over her hair, “Ladies and gentlemen,” Chris starts, “I hope you have enjoyed the breakfast made by my lovely grandmother,” Marge winks, as Chris continues, “Because now… you’re all going to be taken to the slaughterhouse! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” thunder cracks on the outside.
The contestants gasp. “For real?” Eric asks with a mouthful of eggs.
“Nah,” Chris shrugs, “Health inspection didn’t let us use the slaughterhouse for the show. We had to scrap four full challenges, can you believe this?”, he sighs as the contestants give him concerned looks, “Anyway, under each of your trays is a map to the ranch’s main building. It is a big square structure with a hole in the middle, very symmetric, hard to get lost. Everything surrounding the building is the actual farm, wouldn’t advise going there unless explicitly instructed.”
Frankie’s hand rises from the crowd but is met with no response.
Pablo, who sits next to Frankie, now raises his hand, “Excuse me, Mr. McLean,” he says, pointing at the map, “According to this, there is one tower in each corner of the square, and each of them functions as the headquarter for a team. But... how do we decide teams?”
Patricia also raises her hand, but doesn’t wait for a cue to speak, “Wait, we’re gonna have four teams?” she asks, “What a hot mess! My heart goes out to the editors...”
Ignoring the reality tv fan’s comments, Chris answers the scholar, “Great question, Paolo.”
“Ha!” Ishtar blurts out, “He got a name wrong! Funny joke!”
“And the answer is very simple,” the host continues, “First come, first-” in a heartbeat, most contestants had already left the dining hall in a stampede, in hopes of being on the same team as their closest friends. Only Colin, Patricia and Eric remained.
“Served,” Chris finishes, “They didn’t even wait for me to say the twist!”
“There’s always a twist,” Patricia and Colin say at the same time, before exchanging glances.
“Each tower,” Chris says, “Can only accommodate a specific number of veterans. The same goes for newcomers, for girls, and for boys. The specifications are right beside the doorway to each headquarter. And also, no switching: once you’re in, you’re in. So, good luck!”
The remaining contestants dart off, except Eric, who is revealed to have been dozing off during Chris’ entire speech.
Marge turns to her grandson, “Oh, Chrissy,” she says sternly, “You were one step away from crossing the line with that slaughterhouse comment.”
“Really, grandma?” he whines, “I can’t even make a joke now?”
Marge furrows her eyebrows, “Was it also a joke,” she scolds, “When you systematically tortured teenagers on live television? Or when you destroyed an entire island in yet another attempt to torture even more teenagers?”
“Yes?” he answers uneasily.
Marge McLean turns her back to Chris, “Well, I don’t know what came to me when I decided to do this.” She walks towards the kitchen, mumbling.
Mallory, Lance and Mathew are shown running together towards the tower depicted on the top right of their maps, labeled Broken Oxen, “Come on, guys,” says Mallory between heavy breathing, “We can’t afford to be separated from each other!”
“Yeah,” Lance rolls his eyes, “Because we totally didn’t turn on one another last time.”
Mathew speaks while keeping up with his two friends, “This time it’s gonna be different,” he pants, “We’re not pawns in some egomaniacal mastermind’s game this time,” he pants once again, “Plus, we’ve all grown as people since then.”
Lance snickers, “Well, you sure did,” he says, pointing to Mathew’s stomach.
Mathew sighs and mumbles to himself, “Apparently you didn’t.”
The first floor of each tower serves as a kind of lobby. The Broken Oxen’s is decorated with potted plants, hardwood furniture, and antiques. In the middle is a table with a chess board, and sitting at it are Lionel and Colin.
“Check...” the old man says, “Mate.”
“WHAT?” Colin shouts, “That’s impossible, this thing must be brok-”
“Hello hello hello,” Mallory says in singsong while crossing the doorway to the lobby along Lance and Mathew, “We came to save your team!”
Lionel grumbles, “Don’t ya underestimate grampa here!”
“Chill,” Mathew says, “She’s just kidding.”
Colin butts in the conversation, “Not so fast,” he says, pointing to a plaque near the doorway, “Only the pretty girl can stay.”
“Wait, why?” a puzzled Lionel asks.
“Yeah,” Lance mocks, “That’s homophobic.”
“Ugh, sh*BLEEP*,” Mathew grumbles, “Dude’s right, look at what’s written here,” he points to a plaque that reads ‘Mandatory Ratio: 2 Veterans – 3 Newbies / 2 Men – 3 Women’.
“That’s not fair,” Mallory pouts, “Why did nobody tell us that?”
“That’s where you’re wrong,” Patricia says, walking through the doorway, “If you had been smart and stayed to listen to Chris-” she stops abruptly, “Wait, Colin? How the hell did you get here? We left the dining hall together!”
“They didn’t call me Blazing Speed back at the track team for nothing,” he answers.
“Anyway,” Patricia resumes, “If you,” she points to Mallory, “Had stayed like I did, you would have heard Chris explaining the rules.”
“That’s fine,” an unfazed Mallory says, “Come on, boys, let’s find a team who welcomes us with open arms.”
Colin speaks up, “About that...”
“Where in the world did Lana go to?” Ryan says to Larissa while walking across the central patio, “I was really looking forward to sharing a team with her again.”
“Aww, don’t worry,” Larissa perks up, “You still have us!”
Ryan raises an eyebrow, “Us?” he asks, concerned, “Don’t tell me you bought a horse to the show.”
Larissa laughs, “No, silly,” she says, motioning to her right to reveal Frankie, who was walking along with them the entire time, “Her and I!”
Frankie waves at Ryan, who blushes.
“I’m so sorry,” he says.
“We’re here,” Frankie breaks the awkwardness, pointing to the doorway to a tower, “It’s beautiful.”
Decorated with several packed, hardwood bookcases and large fish tanks, the lobby for the Ugly Ducklings’ headquarter is indeed beautiful. In the middle is a long blue sofa where Cillian lies down, body outstretched in a seductive position, “Hello, fellow Ugly Ducklings,” he greets the three with a wink.
Larissa puts her hand on Frankie’s shoulder, “Very beautiful,” she whispers.
A frustrated Mathew and Lance walk away from the Broken Oxen’s tower, heading to the top left one instead, The Drama Llamas. Amyah and Vinnie run across the pair, heading towards the Oxen’s tower.
“Shouldn’t we tell them?” a concerned Mathew asks his friend.
Lance sighs, “They’ll soon figure out. It’s only fair other people get to suffer too,” he chuckles.
“I dunno, dude seems nice,” Mathew comments, “Besides, we’re not really suffering, we still have each other.”
“Ha,” Lance says dryly, “Gay.”
“Maaan,” a running Vinnie approaches the pair, “Can you believe I’ve spent the whole day making a friend only for us to be split up by team division? These rules are full of crap!”
“That’s Chris McLean to you,” says Lance.
“Can I tag along?” Vinnie suggests.
Mathew sighs, “I mean, why not? But chances are we’re not getting on the same team anyway. How much you wanna bet that this one’s already full too?” he says as they approach the doorway of the other tower… which is completely empty.
“Two million dollars?” Vinnie suggests before crossing the doorway and taking a glimpse at the board near the entrance, which reads ‘Mandatory Ratio: 3 Veterans – 2 Newbies’ / 3 Men – 2 Women’.
The lobby of the Drama Llamas’ headquarters was decorated like a saloon, with a counter, a closet full of assorted beverages, potted cacti, a barbershop chair in the corner, cattle skulls hanging on walls, and a pool table in the middle.
Vinnie is followed by Mathew, then Lance, “We’ve made it!” Mathew celebrates, “We’re on the same team!”
As if on cue, the sound of a flush is heard, and out of a door comes Eric with a red solo cup in hand, “Man, craft beer goes in and out,” he says before eying the newly-arrived men.
Lance throws his hands up, “Well, it was nice meeting you all,” he says, heading out towards the doorway, since he was the fourth man to arrive.
Mathew’s smile drops, “Aww, good luck in your new team, man!” he says to Lance before giving him a hug.
“Whatever,” Lance breaks off, heading out.
Mathew contemplates Vinnie and Eric bro-ing down near the counter and sighs, “Could have been worse.”
“Yoooooo, Halle Foyer future Lawyer in da hooouse!”
Mathew turns around to see Terry crossing the doorway, immediately followed by Halle. Terry scans the room occupied by Eric, Mathew and Vinnie, then reads the mandatory ratio board, “Guess that completes the team, huh?” the amateur writer asks rhetorically.
“Well, actually…”
The five would-be Drama Llamas direct their attention towards one of the corners, as the large, old barbershop chair slowly turns around, making a loud, creaking sound, until it reveals Lana’s petite frame almost swallowed by it.
Terry looks at Halle with wide, teary eyes as she comes to the realization.
Foreman is shown walking alone in the central patio, towards the bottom left tower, the Mountain Goats’.
“Hey, big guy,” a shrill voice approaches him, “Can I tag along?”
“You already did, gnome,” he mumbles, looking down at Ishtar.
“Wow,” she says, “Your voice is so deep! Have you ever tried opera?”
Foreman ignores her and keeps walking, but she continues
Ah, fuggi il traditor!
Non lo lasciar piu' dir!
Il labbro e' mentitor,
fallace il ciglio.
Da' miei tormenti impara
A creder a quel cor,
E nasca il tuo timor
Dal mio perigio.
Ishtar looks around to realize she’s alone in the patio. A single toad croaks, and the girl bows to it.
“Hey, got anywhere to go?”
Ishtar gasps, “Oh my god a talking toad!” she jumps back, “Not again!”
“Chill, Ishi Bashi,” Halle says as she approaches the oddball alongside Lance, “Me and Lance Armstrong here,” she says, grabbing the boy’s biceps, “Have been kicked out of our would-be teams.”
“Twice!” Lance adds with furrowed eyebrows.
Foreman, now alone, approaches the Mountain Goats’ headquarters. Once close to the door, he stops and listens to a faint sound from inside. The teacher closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and goes for it. When Foreman swings the door open, his face drops.
You ring the bell
BIIIIIIIIIIIIM BAM
You shout and you yell
HI HOOOOO HO
You broke the SPELL
Gee, this is swell you almost have a fit
This guy is ‘gorge’ and I got hit
There's no mistake THIS IS IIIIIIIIT
The teacher is met with a gaudily decorated room resembling a cabaret. The furniture was made up of different shades of red and hot pink. On the walls, displays of several outfits of can-can dancers. A massive feather rug covered the center of the room, in which stood Angelique, singing – or rather shrieking – in a karaoke machine.
“Man,” the blonde stands with puffed chest and hands on her hips as the karaoke machine rates her a two-point-four out of a hundred, “I wish Julien was here to see me crushing it with his favorite song!”
“Yeah I’m outta here,” Foreman says before turning back to the door, but is met with Halle, Lance and Ishtar arriving.
“Finally,” Halle says, “I can’t believe we only got accepted at the last team left!”
Lance raises an eyebrow, “Why does it look like a flamingo exploded in here?” he asks, contemplating the decoration.
“Big guy!” Ishtar cheers before throwing herself at Foreman, “What’s your name again?”
“Foreman,” he grumbles.
“Oooooh,” she says, “Your momma must be a big fan of grills.”
Foreman sighs loudly.
Chris, who stands at the same empty podium in the dining hall, turns to the camera, “There we have our four teams! Aaaand that’s a wrap on the premiere,” he says with a wide smile, “Hope you guys enjoyed meeting some familiar faces, as well as our ten new test subjects. Now is the time when the real battle starts, the gloves come off, and the backstabbing begins… hopefully literally.” He winks.
“Chrissy, are you closing the episode without me?!” a voice is heard from far away.
“No, grandma,” he shouts back, “I’m just practicing!” he resumes his usual tone, “Who will come out on top? Will it be the Broken Oxen? The Drama Llamas? The Mountain Goats? Or the Ugly Ducklings? Find out next time, in the second episode of…” the host’s face twitches and he sighs heavily, “The Ranch!”
The TV screen fades out and the following program on the network’s grid emerges, “And now… Kernels of Wisdom,” says an old man’s voice, “With Reverend Fleur-de-Lis. Here, on Salvation TV,” a sped-up voice, typical of commercials, now speaks “First hundred calls get a free blessing, any telephone debt is your own responsibility.”
Chapter 2 -[]
Trivia[]
Chapter 1[]
- The episode title is a play on the idiom "if two ride on a horse, one must ride behind";
- I have no idea if "Foyer" is an actual last name, I just wanted something to rhyme with "lawyer" for the gag "Halle Foyer future Lawyer" (clearly inspired by Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide's Claire Sawyer);
- Colin's last name is Wynn as a reference to The Amazing Race 5 and The Amazing Race 31 contestant Colin Guinn, who the character is loosely based on. The allusions to "broken" animals throughout the chapter are also inspired by a famous quote of his;
- Halle's nickname for Ishtar, "Ishi Bashi", is a reference to singer and violinist Kaoru Ishibashi, known by his stage name Kishi Bashi (check him out, it's worth it!);
- The aria sung by Ishtar is Ah, fuggi il traditor (Ah, the traitor flees!) from Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's opera Don Giovanni;
- The song Angelique butchers in the karaoke is It's Oh So Quiet by Björk;
- The show's name, "The Ranch", as well as the Christian commercial that follows it, were inspired by the infamously trashy Brazilian reality tv competition A Fazenda (The Farm), which is ironically aired in a Christian television network.