I just finished the first chapter, and I really like this story! The idea is good and it's delivered very nicely. All 3 generations seem to mesh together well, which is important. I generally think that the story is very clean, but there are a few technicality errors. Here's one sentence from an earlier part of the chapter: "Mike and Zoey step out while holding hands, Hallenorosa steps out with a grin, and then Alejandro and Heather step out." What you would usually want to do here is vary your vocabulary instead of the boring "step out" three times, which doesn't seem like a lot, but bores our brain. Try this instead: "Mike and Zoey entered while holding hands, Hallernosa came out with a grin, and Alejandro and Heather step out (, with an angry look at each other.)" The parentheses are something I would add but you don't necessarily have to.
Um, this comment is getting kind of long. One more thing is the elipses (...) got a little excessive. I don't want the bad things to outweigh the good things, though, because I really did enjoy this story. I think your voice is excellent for this type of writing and you seem to know all the Total Drama contestants well. Great job! I'll tune in again. We found dove in a soapless place... 15:21, December 31, 2012 (UTC)
I have to disagree, I don't think that saying "step out" three times is necessarily overdoing it. The "Rule of Three" is a time-honored trope. The problem is the stretch where 11 contestants in a row "step out". Gideoncrawle I have a song to sing, O! Sing me your song, O! A wandering minstrel, I-- 03:53, January 4, 2013 (UTC)