This is a Featured Story. That means that it was voted to be one of the best and most beloved stories on the wiki.
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The fifth and final season in Toadgamer80's Total Drama series is here! In this season, twenty-two fan favorite contestants from past stories compete on the shores of Lake Michigan to win the awesome prize of two million bucks. But this time around, there are some changes: first of all, Chris McLean is no longer hosting, and the host position has been usurped by a certain contestant from a previous season. There will be new friendships, relationships, and even some hidden secrets. Who will win? Who will lose? Be sure to tune in for the most exciting season yet... Total Drama: Superstar Showdown!

This story also has a TVTropes page!



Roz - Host

Chef Hatchet - Cook

Smoothie Guy - Food Services

Mr. Chapman - Occasional Replacement Host

























Chapter 1 - And The Stars Shine Again

"Hai, hai, hai!" says a fluttery, girly-sounding voice. "Welcome to Total Drama: Superstar Showdown! I'm your host this season, and I'm here at some random beach somewhere in northern Michigan! This year, uh, twenty-two contestants will be competing here to win an awesome prize, also known as two million bucks! So, yeah. They'll be split into two teams, like usual, and get voted out and stuff... That kind of chiz. Oh, and if you're wondering what happened to Chris... Yeah, he kind of got fired by the producers, since he was getting old and annoying. Hehe, I totally agree. I didn't get forced into this job or anything, not at all! Chef will still be around, and I'm not the only one who's gonna host... Where be mah cohost? She's in charge of saying the rest of the stuff... Get over here!"

The noise of shuffling towards the host is heard. Then, another feminine-sounding voice, but less high and fluttery, starts to talk. "Hey, everyone... I'm the host's assistant... Anyway, these 22 contestants will have to survive the challenges, the harsh elements of the wild, Chef's nasty food, and each other... Every two days or so, they'll compete in some sort of challenge... New relationships and conflicts will be formed, and it sure is gonna be fun... Now, let's say hello to our first contestant... Hey, Roz, who was it again?"

"Uh, let's see... Here's the first contestant! It's Arthur, from Total Drama: Tiki Jungle. He was known for talking about his weight, peanuts, and being disturbing," describes Roz. "He's funny and weird, and the perfect first person to introduce."

A large ferry pulls up to the dock where Roz and Ari are standing. It honks its horn, and drops a fat boy off, who is wearing a shirt that says "Puber T" on it, short shorts, high midcalf socks, and black shoes.

"I'm morbidly obeeeese!" says Arthur. "What's up, everybody? Man, this is a small season."

"Uh, Arthur, you're the first person here," says Roz. "Anyway, what have you been up to since you failed miserably in Tiki?"

"Ahem. I was the runner-up," says Arthur. "And I really have not been doing anything of importance. Just tightening my peanuts, teaching children about puberty, doing sketchy and disturbing things with Kavren, you know the deal."

"Uh, did you say teaching children about puberty... What's up with that?" Ari says, suspiciously.

"Hey, who are you? Chris did not inform me that you were hosting, and I have no idea who you are," Arthur says, even more suspiciously.

"Oh, yeah... I forgot that I wasn't supposed to be here... Yeah, I should probably go," Ari says, and she hops into a little boat, then drives away.

"She will be missed," says Roz. "So, yeah, Arthur. Puberty? Enlighten me, tehe."

"Well, after my inappropriate antics on Tiki Jungle, my mother, who's a middle school teacher, decided to let me come in and teach the little buggers sexual education. It is very fun, and I get to say crude and dirty things and not get in trouble. Every day at 6:30 PM, I have to be Puber T for a half hour, or else bad things will happen," Arthur explains.

"Shauhsuahsauhshua," laughs Roz. "Well, that's, er, interesting, right? Haha, let's meet the next contestant. I wonder who it will be?"

"I do too, but we will find out in approximately ten seconds," Arthur says, pointing to the boat, which has the sound of footsteps coming out of it.

A tall, tanned and extremely attractive girl walks out, texting. She is wearing a grey striped shirt, a fashionable scarf, shorts, and brown slippers. She has long brown hair, and is scowling.

"Um, hey," scoffs Chelsey. "This is the place? I was expecting a cool mansion or something. Yuck, there better be electricity and showers here, I cannot live without my beautiful Snooki and K-Woww for more than twenty-three hours and fifty-seven seconds." She walks up to Roz. "You're the host? Where's Chris? As much of a jerk as he was, he was a lot cooler than you. You should really get some better clothes, that doesn't fit you. I bet that if you straightened up your hair and wore a pink dress or something, you would look beautiful, you know what I'm saying?"

"Well, it looks like you haven't changed at all..." says Roz in response. "How's Elle and Donny?"

Chelsey groans at the mention of the name 'Donny.' "You know, we really aren't public with our relationship. Heck, I don't even know if we're still dating. The guy's cool, but he's always making me go to The Wild World of Pants with him."

"I do enjoy that store, it's where I got my short shorts," explains Arthur. "And also, Kavren was right when he said you were a very attractive young woman. You could probably tighten my peanuts, right?" Arthur winks seductively at Chelsey.

"Dude, get away from me. If there's one kind of boy that I don't like, it's gross ones. You know, I really wish Elle was here, she would totally be the only one I'd talk to out of this cast of morons," says Chelsey.

"I pride myself in being a moron. It's better than being normal and/or boring," says Arthur, waggling a finger.

"Well, you do have a good sense of humor, in a way, so I guess I can give you some PP for that," Chelsey responds, jotting something down in a notebook. "PP means Popularity Points, by the way. Currently, you have two, since you would be a lowlife at school, but you're kind of funny. I have 1,000,000 PP, maybe you can get that many... if you have a complete makeover and lose about 150 pounds. Although, you could be a football player... Those sure do get a lot of friends. Let me get back to you on this, okay?"

"Soooo, let's meet our third contestant! This guy is from Total Drama Tokyo. He doesn't really like people, or socializing, and his name's Wolfgang. He didn't do too well in Tokyo, but he's back in another attempt to win a cash prize! Say helloooo to Wolfie!" Roz chirps.

Wolfgang stomps out of the bus. He's still wearing fashionable clothing, this time consisting of a black and white checkered shirt, a yellow scarf, and blue sweatpants. He is still not wearing shoes.

"That boat ride was horrendous. I hate boats, I almost barfed. Gee, thanks, Chris... Wait, where's Chris?" he says, his face starting to smile. "Is he dead? Did a shark eat him? YES!"

"Nooo, Wolfgang, I'm the new host, you know me, right? Roz, from Tokyo," says Roz.

"Oh, you were that annoying one who had a crush on that old guy," growls Wolfgang. "Anyway, I'm so glad I came here before Puck. He was annoying me to no end on the boat. I kept chucking my turkey sandwiches at him, but nothing worked, he just ate them and said that I was such a good friend. Grrrr."

"Ooooh," says Chelsey, looking at Wolfgang. "You're going to be pretty high on the popularity meter. Scarves are an automatic 1,000 points!"

"Popularity meter? What's this crap? I don't give a flying pancake about popularity, I have no friends at school!" yells Wolfgang.

"Mhm, I agree. My only friend of importance is Kavren. Everyone else thinks I'm annoying. I can't imagine why," Arthur says sarcastically.

The boat drops off a blonde, curvy girl who is wearing a shirt depicting her favorite series and is carrying a large duffel bag filled with books.

"Helga! Glad you could make it!" says Roz happily. "How's it going?"

"Ah, fine, fine," says Helga. "I've just been reading books, saying rude things to others for no particular reason, the usual..."

"Saying rude things to others for no particular reason?!" gasps Wolfgang. "Dude, that's my entire life!"

"Oh, you're that Wolfgang guy who was a huge jerk to the fat kid, right?" Helga inquires. "Heh. You and him should have switched places, I quit watching Tokyo because of him."

"What's up, Helga? Remember me?" Arthur says annoyingly. "I was on your team, if I remember correctly."

"Ugh, get away from me, you moron," Helga snarks. "I don't appreciate the company."

"Glad to see you haven't changed," responds Arthur.

"Well, you look the same too, other than being fatter," Helga says.

"Oooooooh," mocks Chelsey. "Dude, you just got served. Not a very wise idea to mock the Queen of Sass herself. You know, my sister has been sassy lately, and I hate that, because she needs to be more like me."

"Lemme guess," snorts Wolfgang. "She's one of those obnoxious little 11-year-olds with D-cups, cell phones, and HeadNovel accounts. The site is for ages 13 and up for a reason."

"C's," corrects Chelsey. "And you have no right to talk about little Allison like that, she's beautiful, and more so than you'll ever be."

Wolfgang says in the confessional, "Whoa, first confessional. Humph. Chelsey annoys me, but she's really pretty. However, I don't date much, I'm too grumpy. During the only date I've ever been on, I complained that the girl's hair was half a centimeter too long, and then smashed a bowl of spaghetti in her face. Yep, I've got anger issues... UGH, THIS CAMERA IS SO ANNOYING, WHY DOES IT KEEP ZOOMING IN ON ME?!" He comes up to the camera, and punches it, breaking it into pieces. The tape turns to static and returns to the contestants.

A kid is then seen driving up to the five in a shiny, flashy red moped. He takes off his helmet, and jumps off the moped, landing on his hands. He keeps walking on his hands, and reveals himself to be a tall, somewhat awkward boy with an orange shirt depicting a banana, purple jeans, and sea green shoes.

"Fleedle-deedle," says Kavren. "Man, that ride here was totally bladvass. I moped-ed-ed across the lake, for Repeat's sake!"

"Please welcome the runner-up of Total Drama Revolution... Kavren!" chirps Roz, introducing the boy.

"KAVREN!" yells Arthur ecstatically. "You are finally here, my friend. What an awesome ride, did you pick up some ladies along the way?"

"Nah, unless you count a few manatees that I saw on the way here," Kavren says in response. "Yeah, I said manatees. 'Cuz the geography here is totally frunked up."

"Oh, god," Chelsey snorts. "Kavren?! I thought I'd never see you again. Well, I won't be socializing with you anytime soon, k?"

"Aw, come on, Chelsey. We were cool friends, right? I think so, at least. Remember when we played Sausages?" Kavren says innocently.

"EW!" yells Chelsey. "Gross! Kavren, you sicko."

"You thought I was flirting with you? No, remember Abbey? Yeah, I wouldn't cheat on my little bloopy-pork," Kavren laughs.

Helga pipes up, while reading the first book of the season, "Kavren? What kind of a name is that? It's like Karen, but a weird hippie boy version. What were your parents thinking?"

"Well, Helga sounds like a viking woman's name," Kavren retorts.

"Maybe it is," Helga snorts. "You know, at least I'm not named Brunhilda. That's my mom's name."

Arthur laughs obnoxiously. "My mom is named Beth. Normal names for the lose."

"For the lose?" Wolfgang asks suspiciously. "You turdhole, it's for the win. Get it right."

"Winning is too mainstream," responds Arthur. Wolfgang shakes his head in anger.

"Aaaaaand, the next contestant should be coming here any time now... Let's see, who is it," says Roz, looking at her cue cards. "Duncan! Wait, what? Oh, yeah. The next contestant is Flora! Remember, the boring girl from Tokyo? Yeah, she's back in action! Let's say hai to her!"

An average-looking girl with a Bidoof shirt steps off the boat. "Hello," she says.

Everyone stands there awkwardly without talking, until Kavren pipes up. "Hey, I like your shirt. Bidoof is pretty cool, I always used it as a HM slave, though," he says.

"I'm Flora," she says happily. "You guys look like a nice bunch, I hope I can make some friends."

"Ohhhhhhhhhhh," gasps Chelsey. "You're one of the invisible girls! The ones who do nothing and mostly fade into the background at school! Man, I need to help you, big time. What's first? Hmmm. Makeup, clothing, or personality? I'll send you the DVD of Nebraska Shore's first season soon... All right, that should be good for now."

Flora scoots away from Chelsey, staring at her with shifty eyes.

"Soooo, Flora. How's life been since you were unfairly kicked off of Tokyo, then called boring millions of times on national TV?" inquires Roz. "Uh, maybe I should have said that a bit more nicely..."

"No, no, it's fine," responds Flora, with a smile on her face. "I've been staying at my house, hanging out with friends, things like that. People like me back home, kinda, so that's pretty cool. Thanks for asking, nobody really cares about me..."

"I sure don't," Wolfgang growls.

"That's not helping," whispers Roz.

The boat drops off a lazy-looking boy with long, brown hair that resembles the hair of a teen icon. He is wearing preppy clothes and holding almost nothing except a pillow, a blanket, a bag of suspicious-looking items, and a stuffed poodle.

"Hey, boys 'n' girls," says Alex. "What's happening? Man, I'm so tired, that boat ride took a lot out of me..."

"Alex!" Roz chirps. "Glad you could make it. How's everything been? Still lazy?"

Roz and everyone else glance at Alex, who's now on the ground curled up with his stuffed poodle, pillow, and blanket. "Oh, don't mind me," he says groggily. "Just catchin' up on some Z's."

"Oh, you were the tiki guy, right? Yes, I remember you. The one who had a relationship with the purple-haired chick, Sharissa," Arthur states.

"Whoa! No way! You're the guy that Rissy has been telling me about?! Wooow, I expected you to be a lot cuter, no offense," Roz says.

"Eh, none taken," mutters Alex. "Sharissa's a babe, and you're not. I can live with that."

"Sharissa actually informed ME that she broke up with you two weeks ago," Chelsey states. "Don't ask me how I know her, I've got some connections."

"...She did?" Alex gasps. He takes out his uPhone and scrolls through it briefly. "...Damn." He then goes back to sleep.

"Uh, I have no response to that. Next up is a contestant that was semi-popular, but she looks a lot different," says Roz extremely unenthusiastically. "So, please welcome everyone's favorite Tiki Jungle chick, Elena."

The boat drops off a young woman who looks very artificial. She is semi-attractive, but comically orange, has a large chest, is wearing skimpy clothing, and has long dyed blonde hair.

"Why the crappy greeting?" she asks. "Anyway, hi and stuff." The second she steps onto the land, a bird craps on her hair. She brushes it off and scowls.

"Oompa loompa bloopity pork," says Kavren in a singsong voice, ogling Elena's tan. Arthur makes a snide face and nods his head in approval.

"Ugh, it's you. That creep from Revolution, Karen or whatever," Elena says as she walks by Kavren.

"I've always wanted a human Barbie doll," says Alex as he wakes up. "You look different, are you sure you're the same Elena?"

"Of course I'm the same Elena, how stupid can people get?" Elena scoffs. "I just got prettier, duh."

"I'm Chelsey," greets Chelsey. "You totally just scream 'popularity'! I swear, we could be really good buddies, don't you think?"

"Sure," says Elena, her tone suggesting that she's uninterested in becoming Chelsey's friend.

"Oh, then if you want to be rude, I'll show you rude," snaps Chelsey. "Ugh."

Elena walks all the way to the end of the group, away from everyone except Wolfgang.

"You one of those Hooters waitresses?" Wolfgang asks.

"Hooters? I got banned from that place," Arthur remarks. Elena slaps her forehead in disgust.

"Ahem," Roz clears her throat. Everyone turns to look at her, and she continues. "This next contestant is Trey, from Tiki Jungle."

"Ooooooh, yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about. Something-you-put-food-on-in-a-crappy-restaurant is back in the hizzouse?" asks Arthur.

"Yep, but he's been going through some tension and personal stuff," responds Roz.

"Like what? Rashes from picking his butt all day?" Arthur says.

Roz ignores him, and the boat soon drops off a boy who looks nothing like Trey from seasons past. He isn't wearing much clothing except for boxers and a gray undershirt, and has one sock missing. He is extremely pale, and has dreadlocks.

"Oh..." he says. "Hi..." He steps off the boat, collapses onto the ground, and starts  playing with the grass.

"That guy doesn't look like Trey at all! He looks like a vampire," states Chelsey. "But don't get me wrong, I do love vampires. They're sexy. Especially that babe, Deadward Sullen." She makes a seductive purring noise.

"Aww, poor Trey. I mean, he was a kasshole and all, but he seems really messed up now," says Kavren. "I wonder what happened to him?"

"Let's find out," says Arthur, and he walks over to Trey. "Hey, remember me? Bullying is wrong, kid. You need to stop, or people will despise you."

"People already do despise me..." Trey sighs. "Leave me alone, I never liked you..."

"I dumped that fool," whispers Elena to Chelsey. "Although, he's cooler than you." Chelsey, offended, struts away.

A heavyset girl walks out of the next ferry. She is carrying many large bags, has an ellipsis written on her olive green shirt, and has short reddish hair.

"Guys, this is the next contestant... She's super famous, and if you don't know who she is, you've probs been living in a box!" Roz exclaims. "It's Patricia Jane Dotcubed, or better known as PJ."

"I lived in a box in Tiki Island..." Trey mopes. Everyone scoots away from him.

"..." says PJ. Many of the contestants cheer, except Alex, who shrugs.

"Man, I don't get the big deal about '...', it's not cool or funny or anything. Just really old," he states.

"Shut up, I have trouble expressing my feelings so I do it this way," says PJ grimly.

"You go, gurl!" cheers Chelsey.

"Peej, anything you wanna say to all of your fans out there and stuff?" Roz inquires. "I'm sure they'd love to hear it, hehe."

"Yes. I'm happy that you all support me..." PJ mutters. "I mean, '...'."

The next boat arrives, and this time, a young and fat-looking kid steps out. He has pistachio-colored hair, a shirt with maroon and white stripes, blue jeans, yellow shoes, and a gigantic smile on his face.

"Ladies and gentlemen, it's Puck!" Roz says, introducing the newest contestant.

Wolfgang's eyes turn red, and he starts breathing heavily. "Jeez, dude, take a chill pill," Alex states.

The kid walks towards the rest of the contestants. "What's up, everyone? It's me, Puck! That boat ride was totally chill, right, guys? I saw a bunch of cool fish and stuff, and even some of my family! Hey, it's Wolfie."

"Get away from me..." mutters Wolfgang. 

Puck heeds Wolfgang's warning, walks away from him, and then walks over to Chelsey. "Hey! You're Chelsey! My girlfriend talks about you CONSTANTLY. You're a lot hotter than I expected, babe. But yeah, Casey loves ya."

"Oh, Casey? Yeah, I talked to her once. She turned green and passed out. Sooo uncool. Although, I think Elle likes her... I wonder what's wrong with her?" Chelsey responds.

"Puck?" Kavren says. "Heh, funny name. You know, I had a fish named Puck, but Arthur ate it." Arthur burps loudly.

"Oh, Puck. You were one of the ones who said I wasn't boring, thank you!" Flora states kindly.

"...I was?" Puck shrugs. "Eh, whatever, if you say so!"

"Eww," says Elena, looking at Puck. "Your hair is disgusting, it looks like someone barfed on it."

Puck says in the confessional, "I haven't been here for five minutes, and I've already been insulted by some chick I don't know... Huh. I wonder what that means? Maybe she's a little nervous about meeting new people."

Yet another ferry arrives. This time, a gothic-looking girl with a nose stud, purple and black clothing, and long, jet-black hair steps out.

"I'm Estrella, and I will most likely hate all of you by the end of this season," she says dryly.

"This is Strelly, everyone! One of my teamies from last season! She's not the most social, but if you give her a warm welcome, she'll be fine! ...Right?" Roz says.

"..." says PJ.

"I could probably say something critical about all of you, but if I get any more sunlight, I'll probably turn to dust," Estrella states. She takes out an umbrella, sits down, and takes out a large book.

Helga looks at Estrella, with her eyes wide. "...I like you."

Roz is shown in the confessional. She says, "Hehe, well, Helga and Estrella are basically the same person. Wonderin' why we cast them together? Oh, we wanted to see if they'd be friends or enemies... Ugh, a bunch of happy fun smiley buddies will make the ratings drop! They need to fight!"

"Hmm," says Chelsey, jotting down something in a notepad. "Hmm, hmm, hmm. Goths. Well, they seem to be pretty well-known in the school I go to, even if it's for being creepy... Ah, who cares? Turn into a popular volleyball player, and good things will happen to you, I can feel it!"

"Go die in a hole," grunts Estrella.

"What book is that?" asks Helga. "I'm reading this awesome book called the Enigmatic Benedick Organization. It's about a bunch of kids who solve mysteries and whatnot."

"...I just finished that book," says Estrella dryly. "Amazing, right? Loved the part where Nicky found the magic key and then used it to unlock Mr. Window's secret passage."

"YES!" yells Helga. "We're going to get along."

"Moving on..." Roz yells. "All righty! It looks like our next contestant is arriving now! It's everyone's favorite, or least favorite, gangsta-wannabe poser, Devin."

A shrimpy kid with baggy clothes, long hair, and a ski cap with the letter "D" on it swaggers out from the next boat.

"Yo, yo, yo, wassup, m' peeps? I see dat bunches o' cool G's an' hipstas has a'ready arrived, yo. Wass chillin', m' villains? Y'all got swag, righ'?" he says, in a shrill voice.

"Um, what?" says Estrella.

"Ain't too hard t' unda'stand me, babe. Y' jus' gotta go wit' th' flow, y' kno' wha' I mean?" Devin says.

Right as Estrella is about to say something, a car pulls up to the contestants. Two people are shown, one is a balding, black man with glasses and a bushy mustache, and the other is a boy who is dressed somewhat like Devin, but is African American, has an afro, and is wearing an enigmatic shirt.

"Remember, sonny, have fun, be safe, and don't forget to change your diaper twice a day! We're falling behind!" says Mr. Gerard.

The boy awkwardly steps out of the car, and the other guy drives off. After an awkward silence, he says, "What's up, bitches?"

"Uh, Ori, first of all, no swearin'. Second of all, you were supposed to wait for your cue," says Roz. "We're doing a tight boy-girl-boy-girl thing, you see? And I'm pretty sure you're not a girl. Just get in the boat or something."

"Shut up, lady! It's not my fault, it's my stupid dad's, for being so early," yells Ori. His eyes then turn wide, as he sees Devin. "OMIGOSH, DEVIN! ERBSVABVRSUETG!" he yells extremely happily.

"'Ey, do I know you, dawg? I think I's seen ya befo', but I don' r'membah when, yo," Devin responds.

"I'm your biggest fan, dude! How do you talk like that?! I try attaching 'yo' to my sentences, but I always sound like a smooth-wannabe poser. Help me, yo!" Ori exclaims.

"Biggest fan? Where have we seen that before?" sighs Chelsey, rolling her eyes. Puck nods his head in agreement.

"Chelsey, you look absolutely gorgeous today. I really love your hair, you are such a beautiful person," gushes Ori, walking up to Chelsey.

"Yup, he's the same Ori," mutters Kavren.

"..." says PJ.

The next contestant arrives soon after Ori makes his introduction. This time, a girl comes up riding a bicycle. She is wearing oversized sunglasses, a shirt depicting a cartoon character, and many bracelets.

"Hey, Chrissy! This is Chrissy from Total Drama: Tiki Jungle, everyone, the third-placer. How are you doin'?" Roz chirps.

"You know, not too bad, actually," says Chrissy. "Oh, if you're wondering why I rode that bike instead of riding the boat, boats are too mainstream. I prefer to be more independent, you know?"

"Hello, Christian Your Mother," says Arthur, walking up to Chrissy. "I see you have adopted the hipster subculture. You know, so many people are hipsters now, it is becoming mainstream."

Chrissy pulls a familiar-looking knife out of my pocket. "Remember this guy? Yeah, I brought him with, and I'm not afraid to use him."

"Well, at least I'm not the only one who brought a dangerous weapon to the competition..." Wolfgang mutters. When he realizes that many others are staring at him, he says, "Who said that?"

"Ew, Chrissy?" Elena says with a look of disgust.

Chrissy looks at Elena, and says, "Wait, I thought we were friends..."

"Why would I be friends with a social reject like you? What are you talking about? You need to take a chill pill, gurlie," Elena scoffs.

"Don't worry," says Chelsey, moving toward Chrissy. "You may be a social reject, but you seem nice enough."

"Uh, thanks?" says Chrissy. "But yeah, I'm excited to be here. Hopefully, a fat and annoying kid won't screw up my chance of winning..." Chrissy glares at Arthur, who shrugs. "Oh, Julia should be coming any minute."

"K, maybe I should introduce her..." Roz states. "OK! Julia, the winner of Total Drama: Tiki Jungle, is the next contestant you're gonna meet! She's one of two winners we have this season... Oops, spoiler! But yeah, here she is."

Arthur grins evilly. "Time for some fun, right, Kavren?" Kavren nods enthusiastically.

A petite, brown-haired, smiling girl walks out of the next boat. "You don't know-oh-oh, you don't know you're beautiful!" she sings, listening to an MP3 player.

"Oh-oh-oh, that's what makes you beautiful!" sings Kavren, continuing the song. Everyone stares at him awkwardly, and he says, "What? Boys can't sing 1E? That's crappy."

Julia takes off her headphones. "Kavren, you can't sing at all, so you need to shut up," she says rudely. Her expression turns into a smile, and she introduces herself. "Hey, guys! I'm Julia, that chick who won Tiki. I am seriously obsessed with One Erection, so if you insult them in any way, I will destroy you emotionally."

"Hey, that's my thing," scoffs Helga.

"Ew, One Erection is the worst band ever, their fans are 95% twelve-year-old girls and 5% weird guys who live in their parents' basements. And that Larry Fashions guy is super ugly," explains Alex, while lying on the ground.


"..." says PJ, interrupting the raging Julia.

"Am I the only one who has no idea who any of these people are?" whispers Flora to PJ.

"No, I agree," whispers PJ.

Julia walks over to Chrissy. "Chrissy!" she says happily. "You're a hipster now? Usually, when people claim to be hipsters or whatever, I just want to take a bowling ball and shove it in their eye sockets. But, you're really cool, so I'll let that one slide."

"Heh, yeah. You have a Fumblr? I'll totally follow you on that," explains Chrissy. "Mine's called 'pointy-objects-hypnotize-the-soul.' It's a motivational quote by some guy."

"Pointy objects hypnotize the soul? If I had to pick one sentence to describe my life, that would be it," states Estrella.

"Hey, Julia," Arthur says, trying to hold back laughter. "Larry Fashions is in a relationship with his bandmate Louie, so you cannot have him. And Louie looks like a woman." Right after he says that, him and Kavren burst into obnoxious laughter.

"ARTHUR, SHUT UP!" she yells.

Arthur nods his head and says, "Mission accomplished."

The next boat drops off a young-looking boy with a large nose, a video game shirt, and long brown hair, who is shuffling many cards.

"Tolky!" says Kavren. "Hey, Arthur, this is my cousin, Tolkien. The one I was telling you about."

"Oh, the one who wasn't potty-trained until the third grade?" Arthur states.

"Shhhhh!" whispers Kavren.

"Tolkien, aieeeeeee!" Roz says happily, greeting the boy. "Hai, hai, what's up? How was your boat ride?"

Tolkien begins to sweat. "Well, this was a nice greeting. Hey, Kav. Hey, Roz. Hey, bunch of people who I don't know."

"Oh, you know me, I suppose," Estrella grumbles.

"Mhm. Estrella. Long time no see! Or short time, since it was only two weeks. Who here likes Magyk?" Tolkien asks.

"I love that game!" says Ori, at the same time Devin says, "What be dat?" Ori then shakes his head, and says, "Just kidding."

"Pitiful, kid. Just... pitiful," Helga states.

"Hmmmmm," says Chelsey, as she continues to jot down notes in her pink glittery notepad. "Well, nerds are obviously not very popular, but you are one of the most handsome nerds I've ever seen! Not saying you're hot or anything, but you can obviously do way better. I think that if you started to play lax, you would turn into one of the popular kids. That would be awesome, and your looks would definitely not go to waste."

The next boat soon arrives, and in it is a smiling, attractive blonde girl with posh clothes and a gray scarf on.

"Hi, everyone," she says, blushing. "I'm MacKenzie. You probably don't remember me, since I was one of the infamous 'boring' characters of Revolution, but if you do, that would be cool..."

"Hehehe," says Kavren. "I totes remember you. My good buddy Toad was obsessed with you, right?"

MacKenzie's smile turns into a frown. "Ughhh, Toad. Don't remind me of that little weirdo... But yeah, I'm an all-star. Surprising, isn't it? I bet you all expected Cammy to come instead."

"That would be way cooler," says Estrella dryly, looking up from her book. "Cammy is the one person in my life right now whom I don't abhor."

"Whom? Nobody says whom," Arthur replies.

"Uh, guys, I think we're supposed to be focusing on MacKenzie right now, she's trying to be nice to you guys, heh..." Roz explains.

"I'm not the biggest fan of being nice," mutters Helga. "But you seem kind of tolerable, so I'll give you a try."

MacKenzie blushes again. "Thanks, it means a lot."

The boat makes an extremely loud noise. The contestants turn to look at it, and hear some spicy Latin music playing, as a pale boy with gelled-up hair, sunglasses, a shirt with the face of past Total Drama contestant Alejandro on it, and green jeans walks out of the boat.

"Vas happenin'?" he asks, attempting to be cool and taking off his sunglasses.

"OMG, are you trying to copy Zane Mylick, you annoying little Alejandro wannabe? Your hair looks just like his, but waaaaay uglier! You unoriginal noob!" screams Julia.

"What?" Nic asks. "Anyway, hello, mis amores. My name is Nic Burromuerto, and I hope you guys all like..." Nic rips his shirt off and jiggles his naked moobs. "This."

"Wait, that's Nic? He wasn't fit, or attractive, last time I saw him..." Chrissy states to herself.

"Mmm, sí, te gusta esto, chicas? Hay más de donde éste procede," says Nic, while making model-like poses. "I've brushed up on my Spanish since I was here last. I hope that you women will like it."

"Oh, man... You again... You're even more of a fail than last time..." Trey says, as he wakes up.

"TREY?!" yells Nic. He begins to smile enormously, and then laughs gleefully. "Seems like you got your comeuppance, right, brother? Who's the villain now?"

"Shut up, man... I don't care about being villainous anymore, I just want to be happy and not hated..." mopes Trey.

"I am not falling for your little games, you idiot. I know that this is just a ploy to get others to feel sorry for you," says Nic.

A large yacht sails to the dock, with a rich-looking girl wearing expensive clothing, and long brown/blonde hair, inside. She jumps off the yacht and lands on the dock, then brushes her hair off and groans.

"Ugh, hey, everyone," she says. "My name's Layla A. Knee, multimillionaire and heiress. I won last season, so if you haven't heard of me, you have absolutely no life."

"Where's Charles?" asks Estrella. "I had no idea what went on in the finale... I was too busy reading."

Helga gasps and says, "That's what I did in Tiki!"

"Charles is long gone, sister," Layla groans. "I really miss him, though, since now I have to do all my stuff myself. How much does that suck? Unless, of course, I can find a new butler... Any volunteers?"

"Well, I's totes woul' do it, but I got otha' plans, yo. Don' get m' wrong, gurl, you's pretty 'n all, but I's not th' butla type," Devin explains. "Word."

"Yeah, I'm not a fan of helping greedy young women, sorry," Helga says dryly.

"Excuse me?" snaps Layla. "Hmph. I suppose I'll just... do physical work. Wait, what about you over there? Tan chick."

"Me?" Chelsey says. "Well, you sure are pretty! I love your hair, girl. Do you style it yourself? Mm, mm, mm. That's some high-quality hair, ladies and gentlemen."

"Er, thanks?" Layla says. She then looks at the next boat, and the person inside of it. "...Who's that?"

The ginger flips her hair around, and waves to the rest of the contestants.

"Wait. I would have definitely recognized her. Are you sure that's a former contestant, Rosalind?" Alex asks groggily.

"Yep!" Roz says enthusiastically. "This is Veronica. Remember, the one from Total Drama School?"

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaat," Devin asks shrilly.

"Hi, guys!" Veronica says happily. "I'm Veronica. You guys can call me Ronnie or whatever, it doesn't matter. Yes, I'm Amanda's former crony, I don't want to be reminded of it."

"You sure have gotten attractive since School ended... And you grew a neck, just like all of us. I have no idea how that happened, I just woke up one morning and I had a neck. Cool, huh?" Alex says.

"Veronica!" says Flora. "I would have preferred Emilee, but you're one of my heroes. I hope that you can tell all of these meanies that being boring is actually cool."

"..." says PJ.

"I'm also one of the boring girls," MacKenzie says. "Although, I was told that I was picked because of my backstory, which is..." MacKenzie starts to sniff. "Anything but boring..." A single tear falls down her cheek.

"Chillax, woman. Being boring is sometimes fun. Like, look at Flora. She is boring, but has a decent fanbase," Arthur states, trying to confort MacKenzie.

"Same with Nile from One Erection. Like, nobody cares about him, but he's really cute and blonde and plays the guitar and is totally underrated," says Julia, explaining her love once again.

"You know who else is cute and blonde and totally underrated?" Roz says.

"Jerome?" asks Kavren.

"Noooo," responds Roz. "Our last contestant! Be sure to give a hearty welcome to the beloved, I think, skater known as Trick!"

"Oh no, Trick? That dude was mean, yo," whispers Ori.

"Well, at least his poopy girlfriend, Cammy, isn't here," says Kavren. "We can vote him out first or something."

A blonde boy walks out of the last ferry to come. He has gelled blonde hair, a striped shirt, a chill expression, and blue jeans. He somewhat resembles Puck as well.

"Hey," he says coolly. "What's up?"

"Hello, Trick," says Nic valiantly. "Th' name's Nic. I enjoyed your manly charms on Total Drama Revolution, dude. Care to teach me how to work my magic on the ladies?"

"Well, hey, little dude," smiles Trick. "I don't know about that, but you seem pretty cool, bro."

"Fine, I can teach myself, I don't need some dumb blonde dude telling me what to do," huffs Nic in a rage.

"Heyyyyy, Tricky," purrs Chelsey. "Long time no see."

"Hey, looks like some of my old teammates are here, sweet. And also that dude," Trick points to Ori. "But Chelsey, I could have sworn that you hated me, plus I have a beautiful girlfriend."

"Oh, I do hate you. But you're hot now," says Chelsey. After a pause, she says, "Let's... ignore everything that happened in the last twenty seconds."

"Trick, Cammy's been telling me all about you," giggles MacKenzie.

"Yeah, she and I are still going strong," says Trick. "Two years, dudette."

"Congratulations, I'm sure everyone is so impressed that you've been dating some girl who nobody cares about for two years. Way to inform the entire viewing world of this spectacular news," says Helga extremely rudely.

"Sorry, but you just made a terrible first impression on me," says Trick. "I'll stay away from you, I think."

"Whoo-hoo. Go for it. I don't care," scoffs Helga.

"OKAY!" yells Roz. "Moving right along. Now's the time you'll be getting your teams. Awesome, right? Okay, the first team consists of Devin, Ori, Trick, Tolky, Alex, PJ, Helga, Layla, Estrella, Julia, and Chrissy. What do you guys wanna be called?"

"Th' Swagged Out Citrus Fruits, yo," Devin says.

"..." says PJ. 

"That's the worst team name I've ever heard in my entire life. Even worse than Over Nine Thousand, and Killer Apples. Apples can't even kill you, unless there's like a venomous snake in them or something. That would be epic, though," Estrella says.

"Swagged Out Citrus Fruits? Doesn't make much sense, but k! All righty, the other team is... basically everyone else, meaning Arthur, Kavren, Wolfgang, Puck, Nic, Trey, Chelsey, Elena, Flora, Veronica, and MacKenzie."

"Whoo-hoo! Teammates again! Can't you just taste the excitement?!" Puck says happily.

"You're going to taste some blood soon..." Wolfgang grunts.

"All right, Team 2, time to decide your name. Anyone got any good suggestions that you could use for--" Roz says.

Arthur immediately shouts out something, interrupting Roz. "The Hopalong Ralphcakes."

"...I was just about to say that!" gasps Kavren. "I love ralphcakes."

"Eww," snorts Wolfgang. "What's a ralphcake? And how can they hop if they're inanimate objects, assuming they're a type of cake? Leave it to Arthur to create a terrible team name."

"Yeah, this team name sucks," complains Elena. "It should have been 'Team Elena is Awesome and Going To Win.'"

"But she's not," scoffs Chelsey.

"Excuse me, madam, but I have just as good of a chance as you, even better, maybe. Since the last three winners were girls with five-letter names ending with the letter A, that opens up an opportunity for me," says Elena.

"Or Helga, or Flora. Or Julia or Layla again. And who said that that was a rule? You're just an attention-seeking, desperate, unpopular little slug," Chelsey scoffs.

Roz, ignoring the two's fight, begins to talk. "Well, that wraps up the first episode! Who will prevail? Who will fail? Will the Hopalong Ralphcakes or the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits win tomorrow's challenge? And how will the contestants react to each other? Find out the answers to these questions and more, on Total... Drama... Superstar Showdown!"

Chapter 2 - School of Fort Knocks

"Soooo, hey, everybody! I'm Roz, obviously the host of this season, and I guess it's time to do a recap!" says Roz enthusiastically, standing on the beach where everyone else can be seen in the distance. "Um, last episode, not much happened except for the contestants getting introduced and whatnot. Wolfgang and Puck still have the same sort of relationship, love-hate or whatever you wanna call it. Some contestants, like Veronica, Trey, and Elena have changed quite a bit, while others, like Arthur, Kavren, and Estrella haven't changed at all! They were split into two teams, the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits and the Hopalong Ralphcakes, and they are about to have their first challenge today... if I can think of one! All righty, time to see how our contestants are doing! I'll show them to their hotels and stuff."

"Oh my god, guys, I'm like totally heartbroken right now, Zane deleted his Tweeter because some idiot kept trolling and harassing him!" Julia cries on the Citrus Fruits' side of the beach. "I swear, when I find the troll who did that, I'm gonna twist his neck over and over again, then use it as a Slinky."

"Chill out, dudette, no need to be so violent. He's just some celebrity who you'll probably never meet," Alex explains.

"Um, excuse me, that's not true. I've been in the same country as him before, so take that," scoffs Julia. "Ugh, stupid 1E haters are just asking to be strangled."

"Julia, nobody said anything about hating One Erection, Alex just said that you'd never meet this guy, which is obviously true," says Helga. "Besides, their music stinks."

"It does, doesn't it? It's so sweet, it almost gave me diabetes last time I listened to it," Estrella says.

Arthur is shown chuckling loudly on the Ralphcakes' side, then whispers to Kavren, "Is it bad if I admit that I was the person who trolled Zane? I didn't even say anything bad, he is just a really sensitive fellow."

"Rsrsrs," laughs Kavren. "Yeah, Art, you're a funny dude. But it's fine, that Zane guy will have his Tweeter account back in approximately a minute, I'm guessing."

"Yo, Roz! Where are our cabins, yo?" Ori yells to Roz. "I gotta take a mojo dump, G."

"'Ey, brotha, dat ain't how th' true gangstas say it, y'know? Real swaggie-meisters don't talk 'bout poopin', it be nasty," Devin says. 

Roz motions the contestants to walk over to her, and they all do. They then proceed to walk over to one cabin, and a bunch of bags on the other side of the property.

"Don't tell me we have to all share one cabin... I can't stand being around hundreds of sweaty, obnoxious men," Wolfgang states. "Just putting that out there."

Roz shakes her head, and starts to laugh. "Nooo, definitely not," she says. "Anyway, here's the dealio. The winning team of each night will be sleeping in that cabin, which has wi-fi, a hot tub, a snack bar, and all of this other cool stuff that totally wasn't paid for by stealing money from Chef's paycheck. Aaaaand, the losing team each night will have to sleep in a tent, there's a gigantic group of them over there that you guys will all have to set up by yourselves, with no help from me. There's also a beach down there, like you guys all know, which can be used for romantic scenes and haha, that kind of stuff. Soooo, who wants to know our first challenge?"

"If it involves physical work, then definitely not me," Layla says.

"Dude, that's what I was gonna say," Alex says. "But you're just whiny cause you don't have that Charles guy, and for me, I've been lazy all my life."

"Uh, that's not exactly something to be proud of," says MacKenzie.

"First challenge!" yells Roz. "See those woods over there? You guys' job is to get a bunch of materials and stuff from the woods over there to build forts. Once you build your forts, the team with the bigger fort gets an advantage in the next part of the challenge, which is capture the flag with the forts. Whoever wins the challenge wins invincibility, and the losing team has to vote someone out. Dun dun duuuuun! Now, get going, we've got an hour to find materials, then it's capture the flag time."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Chris never gave us time limits," Tolkien says. "Uh, not that I'm bashing you or whatever... Do whatever you want, Roz." He then blushes, and tries to cover it up.

Chelsey is shown with the Hopalong Ralphcakes, gathered around in the forest. "All right, guys, we need to split up if we want to do this stuff effectively. Arthur and Kavren, obviously, and maybe Wolfgang and Puck--"

"NO!" yells Wolfgang. "And plus, who made you the boss?"

"I know, right?! I should totally be the leader of this team, since I'm way more popular and prettier than you," Elena scoffs. "Right, guys? Aren't I pretty?"

Everyone looks at the comically orange, grinning girl, and Flora says, "Uh, sure, I guess..."

"I used to think you were pretty, but then you brutally dumped me the second I got back from Tiki Island... I can't get over that..." Trey says quietly.

"Hey, Trey, your peanuts are loooose," Arthur taunts. Trey shoots a mean look at Arthur. "Come on, noodle, if you want to not get voted out first, you must come with us to find some wood," Arthur says.

"Fine... As long as you don't talk or be annoying..." Trey sighs.

Kavren, Arthur, and Trey walk into the woods. Kavren flips over a log, and finds nothing except a bunch of pill bugs, and they all rapidly spring onto him. He laughs, and exclaims, "That tickles! Oh, Art, should I get this log?"

"I suppose it could be a good peanut-tightening tool..." Arthur contemplates. "Of course, not for me, but for St. Nick. Now, let's go."

Kavren picks up the log and puts it under his arm. He jogs back to the campsite, and plops it down next to Elena. "Hey, oompa, whatcha doin' here? You should be doing the crappy wood-finding stuff with us," Kavren says.

"Yeah, but you know, everyone else sucks, so there's no point in doing it," Elena grumbles. "I'll just guard the wood."

"Hehehe," Kavren laughs immaturely. "The wood." He then runs away, and back to Arthur and Trey.

Chelsey is then shown walking around in the woods with Veronica, Flora, and MacKenzie. "All right, girlies, I am going to give you some tips on how to become popular," Chelsey says.

A gigantic log is thrown at Chelsey from off-screen, and she falls over. Wolfgang waves from a hill, and Puck says to him, "Hey, bro, don't be so violent! Take a load off!"

Veronica whispers quickly, "All right, girls, let's go!" She, MacKenzie, and Flora then all run off, away from Chelsey. Once Chelsey gets up, she notices that everyone is gone, fixes her hair, and then picks up the log.

Wolfgang and Puck walk up to her, with Puck looking glum and Wolfgang laughing obnoxiously. "How was that log, Chelsey?" he snorts.

"Ugh, where did those boring girls go? I need to talk to them," Chelsey mutters. "And also, where's Nic? I haven't seen him all day."

"Oh, he was being annoying back there, so I kind of pushed him into the lake," Wolfgang explains. "Eh, he'll be fine."

Nic walks up to Wolfgang, Puck, and Chelsey, holding all sorts of logs and materials for building the fort. "Vas happenin'?" he asks flirtatiously. "As you can see, Abby and I got lots and lots of tools for you guys."

"Abby does not exist, you moron. She's an inanimate object, and she's not even a she," Wolfgang grunts.

"OMG, Nic. How did you get all this stuff? Well, you sure are helping a lot, so I think that you get 100 PP for the day. Puck, since you're the, er, heaviest, why don't you carry all this wood to the campsite so we can get to work building the fort?" Chelsey says sweetly. She throws all the logs onto Puck, expecting him to catch them, but he only collapses under the weight.

The scene then changes to the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits, who are on the beach, building their fort slowly.

"..." says PJ, as she takes a log from the forest. "Where are Chrissy and Julia..."

"Oh, yeah, they went in the woods. Probably pooping or something," Alex says groggily, while lying down on the sand. 

"Come on, little guy," Trick says. "If you do lots of work and help the team, I'll like you better."

Trick says in the confessional, "I'm really trying to be nice to that Alex dude, but he's just so lazy and whiny that it's really hard. Maybe I should take more of an initiative to be a team leader or something."

"Why aren't you giving the whole 'working helps the team' spiel to me, Estrella, and/or Layla?" asks Helga suspiciously, looking at Layla who's sitting there with her hands crossed and Estrella who seems to be either asleep or dead.

Tolkien comes out of the woods with bunches of moss, and a gigantic fungus. "Hey, Trick, you said you wanted some mushrooms, here you go," he says, tossing the gigantic fungus to Trick.

Tolkien says in the confessional, "Kavren has said bad things about that Trick guy, so I don't know if I can trust him... Sure, he seems nice, but Kav also said that he seemed nice at first, then turned into a jerknozzle."

Sure enough, Chrissy and Julia are shown in the woods, gathering materials. "So, Julia. Any boys here who float your boat?" asks Chrissy coolly.

"Ew. Definitely not. You know Kavren? Some chick at my school said that he looks like Leeyum from 1E. That is a freaking disgrace to Leeyum. I mean, he may be the second ugliest member after Nile, but he's still extremely attractive, and Kavren is almost as ugly as a shirtless Arthur," rants Julia.

"Yeah..." says Chrissy. "You know Nic? He blatantly flirted with me back on Tiki Island, but now he's actually kind of attractive, and I feel bad for not being that nice to him back then."

"EWW!" yells Julia. "Remember how perverted and creepy that kid was? Nobody likes posers who think they're Alejandro. And now he's trying to be like Zane as well. Ugh."

"Well, Nic is kind of cute," says Chrissy. "But honestly, I don't find Zane attractive at all. Eh, whatever. We've all got different opinions, right?"

Julia grabs a bunch of weeds, and takes them back to the campsite. "Psh. Yeah, sure," she says.

The Hopalong Ralphcakes, or more specifically, Wolfgang, Puck, Chelsey, Elena, and Nic, are shown building their fort.

"Come on, guys, we need to focus if we want to win!" Elena yells, trying to pep up the team. "If we win, I'll kiss all of you boys."

"Ew, I don't want you to kiss me," Wolfgang snorts. "I prefer real girls, meaning ones who don't look like they belong in a produce store."

"Um, thank you, Wolfgang. Elena, if you want to tan, you should at least make it so it looks natural, like my tan, and not like you were in a fake tanning salon all day," Chelsey explains. "It gets you a lot of boys. Heck, this guy named Bruno keeps texting me, and I have no idea who he is."

"Mm, the women come to my yard every day, see? I'm sure popular with those women," winks Nic. "I guess they like the beauty of Abby, right?" He rips off his shirt, and moves his belly, saying "Yeah, totally!" in a falsetto.

"Whoo-hoo, you guys have fans. Am I the only one who gets no fan mail, and tons of hate mail instead? One day, I even got a death threat. It may or may not have been from my mother," explains Wolfgang.

Kavren and Arthur walk up to the others, with a bunch of wood. Arthur is wearing a pair of red underwear over his head, and acting strange. As Kavren puts some wood on the fort, he explains, "Arthur has been acting really noodly lately."

"Uh, what time is it?" Chelsey says. "If I recall, he said at 6:30, he'd become Pub... Oh, god, no."

"Hello, Chelsey. I see your hips have grown out very well," Arthur states. "Once you become old enough, you start to develop. Some children are known as 'late bloomers,' meaning that they take a while to go through puberty..."

Puck gasps loudly. "My mom said I was one of those, man!"

"Yeah, he's Puber T right now," Kavren whispers to the others. "All right, if we just leave him alone... He won't say anything. I don't think, at least."

"Hey, Puck, Nic, and Wolfgang, let's go into the woods to get a little bit more supplies," Chelsey says.

"No!" grunts Wolfgang.

"I'll give you a strand of my hair," bargains Chelsey. Puck and Nic spring off of the ground and follow Chelsey, while Wolfgang trudges along slowly behind them.

Roz walks over to everyone, and then blows a gigantic airhorn, making all the contestants pay attention to her. "Soooo, an hour has passed, and now I'll judge you guys' forts!" she squeals. "Soooo, first of all, the Citrus Fruits. This is, er, not a bad fort."

"Ya like?" Devin says, showing off the large fort, which has a sign reading "RACK $ITY" on it. "It be mah hometown, dawg."

"Rack city? Man, I love that song! It's my jam, homie!" Ori says, trying to act cool.

Estrella scoffs. "Dude, no. Just... no. You even spelled 'city' wrong."

Helga pipes up in agreement. "Yeah, that doesn't even deserve to be called music. The guy can't rap, he's just talking. And plus, who cares about 'rack city'? It doesn't even exist, he's just a pervert."

"What 'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis? Rack City totes be real, yo," Devin says angrily.

"Hmm..." Roz pulls out a notepad and starts examining the fort. "Well, there sure are lots of sturdy parts to this fort, and it looks semi-indestructible. The Rack City thing is really weird, but I suppose this is okay. Mmm-hm. All righty, 8/10! You guys probably get the advantage, unless the Hopalongs came up with something awesome." Roz walks over to the Hopalong Ralphcakes' fort, and says, "And of course, they did!"

As Roz walks to their fort, Wolfgang is shown sitting on top of the fort, groaning. The fort resembles a gigantic bust of Elena, from her head down to her... well, bust.

"Check out Fort Elena," Elena says vainly. "As you can probably tell, it's a likeness of yours truly. Like it?"

"Eh, well, it's all righty!" Roz chirps. "I have to admit, it's kind of creepy how realistic it is, but I guess it required a lot of artistic skill, huh?"

"Uh, Elena, when and how did you make this?" Chelsey asks in suspicion. "Because we were gone for like five minutes."

"Oh, haha, silly Chelsey... You know that I have lots and lots of talent, dear," taunts Elena.

Puck says in the confessional, "Elena sure is weird... Like, I'm not sure if she's trying to be friends with Chelsey, or just make fun of her. But I'm team Chelsey! If Casey supports her, then she has to be the good guy."

Chelsey says in the confessional, "Hmph. That chick is really working my last nerve."

"Soooo, you guys get an 8.5/10, I really like realistic stuff and whatnot! So, yeah. You guys get the advantage, and it is...Hatchet-Brand Cannonballs, for capturing flags with ease," Roz says, pointing to Chef, who is over by a pile of cannonballs and grinning evilly.

"And what do we get? Trash?" Helga asks sarcastically.

"Actually, yes!" says Roz, as she begins to laugh hysterically. After she calms herself down a bit, she says, "There's a dumpster over there. All you can get is stuff from there, so choose wisely."

"A dumpster is a hip dump," Chrissy scoffs.

Trick waits for a moment. "Wait, Roz. I thought we were playing capture the flag. What's with all the ammo and stuff?"

"Ohhhh, I forgot to explain!" exclaims Roz. "This is extreme capture the flag, meaning you can capture the other team's flag by any means necessary, hehe. So, that means, the Ralphcakes get a cannon, and you guys get... lots and lots o' garbage." She runs to the sidelines, and Chef blows his whistle. "GO!"

Arthur's phone starts to ring, and he checks the time. The time says 7:00, and Arthur flings the underwear off of his head, landing on Elena. "All right, let's roll."

"Who's gonna do who?" Chelsey thinks for a moment. "Hmm, all right. Wolfgang, Nic, Arthur, Kavren, and Puck, you guys go out and try to get their flag. I'll stay here with the girls and monitor our fort, so nobody comes in. And Trey... You just stay here, k?"

"Of course I'm stuck doing the mediocre job... Nobody cares about me..." Trey sighs.

"No, not true, Kris Kringle. We are just making you stay here because you would sabotage our team," explains Arthur. "Come on, Kav!"

Arthur and Kavren run towards the other team's fort, while they narrowly dodge many pieces of garbage thrown at him.

"This garbage smells like butt, dude!" yells Kavren as they run.

"Well, obviously, since it is garbage," Arthur replies. "There are probably many gallons of dog poop, nasty banana peels, and toilet paper in there."

"Hey, Wolfgang, wanna give me a piggy-back ride?" Puck says loudly as they run to the fort.

"No!" yells Wolfgang. Puck hops on his back anyway, oblivious to what Wolfgang said.

"Devin! Get the bazookas, there are lots and lots of guys coming this way!" yells Ori. Devin is shown running to a pile of garbage with two broken bazookas in it, but he trips on his saggy pants and falls face-first into the garbage.

Wolfgang walks by Helga, Estrella, Alex, Layla, and PJ, who are just sitting there. They do absolutely nothing as he grabs the flag from the hiding spot.

"Hey, aren't you lazy women gonna do something to me as I take your flag and make you guys lose the challenge?!" Wolfgang yells.

"Dude, I'm not a woman," Alex says calmly. "But nah, we don't really like physical work."

"..." PJ says.

"Yo, PJ, get me a handle of whiskey? It would be totally appreciated," Layla says. PJ shakes her head solemnly.

"Layla, maybe people would like you better if you actually did--" Estrella says. "Wait. Where did Wolfgang go?"

The girls (and Alex) look over to Wolfgang, who is running back to the fort and yelling, "Haha, suckers!"

"GET HIM!" yells Ori. He runs over to the sprinting Wolfgang, and tackles him onto the ground. "Devin! Am I doing good, yo? Am I?"

"Dude, Ori! Stop punching and tackling him, and get the freaking flag!" Julia yells from her fort. She then looks at Helga, and says, "Why aren't you working?"

"Working isn't in my blood. I prefer to just read, if you haven't figured that out by now," Helga says dryly, while reading a book called The Wobbit. "Hey, Chrissy. Go get their flag, will ya?" she says.

"I'm on it, chica," Chrissy says. She sprints over to the Ralphcakes' fort, and sees Flora guarding the door with a stick. "...Ohhh, lord."

"You... shall... not... pass!" Flora yells intimidatingly.

Chrissy attempts to pass Flora, but Flora keeps whacking her with the stick. Julia sneaks into the fort from behind, and slowly tiptoes past Elena, who is sitting there with her back turned, doing her makeup. She grabs the flag, and leaves.

"Hey! That chick's got the flag!" yells Veronica, pointing at Julia. "Don't just stand there, Elena, get her!"

"Ew, no, dude. Can't you see that I'm concentrating?" Elena says. "A girl like me needs to make herself even more beautiful sometimes."

MacKenzie says in the confessional, "Yeah. Girls like her are the ones who date Mi... that one guy."

While Julia is running towards the Citrus Fruits' fort, Arthur comes out of nowhere and jumps onto Julia. "Hello, my little friend. Thought you could get the flag, huh? Kavren, fire away."

Kavren runs up to the cannon where the cannonballs are being shot out of, and starts shooting cannonballs all over the place. One of the cannonballs narrowly misses Julia's face.

"Oh, god, that's dangerous, you jerk!" Julia squeals. "Come on, stop sitting on me!"

"This is what I do, this is what I do, this is what I do, sit on you," Arthur says in a singsong voice, while moving his butt cheeks up and down and sitting on Julia.

Julia, with the Ralphcakes' flag, and Wolfgang, with the Fruits' flag, meet in the middle of the two forts.

"AAAARGH!" yells Julia, and she runs towards Wolfgang. The two battle it out, with the opposite ends of the flags being used as swords.

"You smell like Larry Fashions' cologne," Wolfgang grunts as he tries to jab Julia with the flag.

"...How do you know what that smells like?!" responds Julia. Wolfgang shrugs, and keeps running. Julia finally catches up to him, and tags him. There is a long pause, and nobody says anything.

"Oh, well, I should really have said what happens when you get tagged, hehe..." says Roz. "Sit down, and throw your flag in the air, Wolfie."

Wolfgang sits down on the ground with his arms crossed, and throws his flag in the air. The manic scene turns into slow-motion as Kavren jumps for the flag, does a flip in the air, and then proceeds to catch it. It is no longer slow motion after he grabs the flag, and he jumps back onto the ground. Kavren sees a bunch of the other team's members trying to chase him, so he keeps running.

Kavren finally gets back to his fort, and collapses onto the ground. "Good job, Kavren. You have defeated the evil women who don't think I'm hot," Nic states.

"Congratulations to the Hopalong Ralphcakes, for winning the first challenge of the season!" Roz says. "All righty, Citrus Fruits. I'll give you guys about twenty minutes to hang out, and then it's vote-out time."

Chelsey says in the confessional, "Well, at least our team didn't fail miserably tonight like I thought we would. The guys on my team are the definition of social rejects, but I think I can groom them if I try hard enough."

The Swagged Out Citrus Fruits are shown trying to build their tents in their area.

"Yo, Dev. Mind helping me with my tent, dawg? I'd totally appreciate it, yo," Ori says.

"Um, dood, I be sorta kinda busy righ' now, eh. Y'know, I be willin' t' help ya, bu' later, 'kay?" Devin responds.

Ori says in the confessional, "Ugh! I've been trying to get Devin to notice me, but it's not working. Gosh darn it, this is so annoying. He just thinks of me as some sort of stupid poser."

Julia and Chrissy are shown building their tent. "So, uh, Chrissy, wanna share a tent? We can talk about how moronic... I mean, cute, the boys here are," says Julia.

Chrissy laughs. "Oh, Julia. Let's talk about who to vote out. I think you'll be a huge target because you kind of annoy some others, no offense."

"What's that supposed to mean?!" growls Julia.

"No, no, no. Like, you're a good friend of mine. But your One Erection obsession is kind of annoying to some of the guys, especially Arthur. Maybe if you talked about them less around Arthur, he'd stop making fun of you," explains Chrissy.

Layla is shown, sitting on a stump. "Hey, PJ. Get over here. Mind setting up my tent?" She plops down a gigantic tent that must weigh over 100 pounds into PJ's arms.

"So... heavy..." groans PJ. "Why are you making me do your dirty work, anyway..."

"Ugh, you know, since I have no Charles and whatever. Seriously, dude, if you do this, I'll pay you back. I swear," Layla scoffs.

PJ mutters something dirty, and starts working on building the tent. Five minutes later, she's done with the tent, which is about the size of an apartment.

"Uh, dude. You know that you're gonna let us sleep in there, right?" mutters Helga.

"Who ever said that you guys would be able to sleep in it? This tent is reserved for me and my new butler, gosh," snorts Layla.

Estrella says in the confessional, "Yeah. I knew Layla wouldn't just turn all nice and sugary after Tokyo's finale. She's still a greedy and bossy @#$%!, but now she doesn't have Charles, and will probably get voted out first. Purrrrfect."

"Yo, Devin, check it! See what I can do, homie!" says Ori, and he turns on his uPod to dubstep. Ori starts dancing, and then trips over a log, falling backwards into Layla's giant tent. He creates a hole in the tent, and continues to make holes in all of the other tents, before falling onto the ground.

"Uh, bro? Dat wasn't no good idea, yo," says Devin, after a long pause.

Alex, Tolkien, and Trick walk out of one of the now broken tents. "Hey, what was the big idea? We were trying to catch some Z's," says Alex groggily.

"Well, Alex was. I was trying to teach Trick how to play L&L," Tolkien states. Trick does not look happy at all.

Tolkien says in the confessional, "All right. I wanna vote for Trick, since he's been really mysterious and chill about everything. He doesn't like me either, probably because I'm related to Kavren... Whatever. I'm voting for him."

Layla says in the confessional, "Ori, you idiot, that was a 500,000 dollar tent. I only have five of those left at home! Thanks to that, I'm voting you out."

Ori says in the confessional, "Layla, she is so totally snobby an' rude. I mean, I was just trying to act cool! Nothin' wrong with that, right?"

Helga says in the confessional, while reading, "Meh. Layla or Ori, I couldn't care less. Trick is also a big choice, since he's so cool. What a threat."

Roz is shown with the Swagged Out Citrus fruits on the beach. There is a campfire, and eleven stumps for the contestants to sit on. There is also a dock leading to a new and improved Boat of Losers, which is the same boat that the contestants arrived on. "Well, it's the first elimination ceremony!" Roz shrieks. "Hopefully I can do this right. If you receive a seashell, you're safe. If you don't, well, you're voted out, and you gotta walk the Dock of Shame and catch the Boat of Losers to get outta here. The first seashell of the season goes to PJ."

"..." says PJ as she catches her seashell, and sits down on the ground.

"Estrella, Helga, Tolkien, and Alex, you guys are safe tooooo," Roz says. She passes many different-colored seashells out to them. Helga's seashell hits her in the face, since she's reading her book, but she just throws it onto the ground.

"Julia, Chrissy. You two get to stay another night," says Roz. Julia and Chrissy high-five as they both collect their seashells.

"Devin..." Roz looks at Devin, who is chilling by the campfire and eating fondue in a large bowl. "What's with the fondue? But anyway, you're safe."

"Whoo-hoo, yo!" Devin's seashell lands in the fondue, and he continues to eat it.

"Trick, Ori, and Layla. You three... One of you is gonna get voted out tonight. And that person is definitely not Trick," says Roz. Trick breathes a sigh of relief as he catches his seashell, and Tolkien glares at him.

"Ori and Layla..." says Roz. "The final seashell goes to..."

"Layla." Layla grabs her seashell and grins.

"WHAT?!" yells Ori. "What the crap, yo? I was just a cool dude trying to impress an even cooler dude, Devin! I did absolutely nothing wrong, while Layla was an annoying little brat, word!"

"Exactly the problem. Devin does not like you, and he never will. You're annoying as crap, and you owe us tons of money for breaking our tents," Helga states.

Ori pulls his pants and underwear down, and moons everyone. "Y'know, I don't care no more. I don't need this stupid game, anyway. Devin, I hate you, since you caused my elimination."

"Haters gon' hate, yo," says Devin nonchalantly.

"You know, I'm more concerned about seeing Ori's naked butt. Congrats, dude, you scarred me for life," Chrissy says.

Ori utters a "Hmph!", then stomps down the Dock of Shame onto the Boat of Losers. The driver of the boat is, not surprisingly, his father, who honks the horn loudly.

"Hey, Oriana! Let's go to your ballet recital, only twenty minutes before it starts!" Mr. Gerard says. Ori yells something naughty very loudly, and the boat chugs away.

"Well, well, well. After we saw what Ori did to th' tents, we knew he'd be eliminated! But what first elimination isn't obvious?" Roz says excitedly. "Tune in for more totally dramatic epicness, next time on Total... Drama... Superstar Showdown!"

Chapter 3 - Roz of the Phone-ix

"Last time on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown, the contestants took part in their first challenge! Julia got mad at Arthur and Kavren, not surprisingly, and Nic continued to try to act cool and evil around the girls. Tolky acted pretty awkward around me, hehe, as I explained the challenge, which was to build forts out of whatever materials they could find in the woods and then play extreme capture the flag. The Swagged Out Citrus Fruits had trouble with some of their members, who weren't exactly being that helpful, while the Hopalong Ralphcakes destroyed them and won the challenge, thanks to the grumpy Wolfgang, and Kavren, who was just as weird as usual. After he destroyed the tents, Ori was the target of the first elimination of the season, and Layla got to stay another night. Who will win? Who will lose? Find out today, on Total... Drama... Superstar Showdown!"

The Swagged Out Citrus Fruits are shown lying down in their sleeping bags on the ground, because of the tents not being able to be used. Tolkien is snoring loudly, and in his sleep, he moves close to Trick, placing his head on Trick's shoulder.

Trick suddenly wakes up. "Uh, dude?" he whispers. Tolkien doesn't budge. Trick flicks Tolkien's head, and he still doesn't make a peep. Trick grabs a stick, and whacks Tolkien in the head, and he finally wakes up.

"Uh? Whaaaaa? Hey, Trick, is that you?" Tolkien says groggily, showing that he has gigantic bags under his eyes. "I had nightmares last night, dude."

"Nightmares? Dude, you have some crazy dreams. I saw you in Tokyo, maybe you should cut down on the dreaming," says Trick calmly.

"What? Cut down on the... Hey, that's impossible! Trick, you need to brush up on your education. I dream every single night, and they're all about Roz, and how I like her..." Tolkien stares at Trick. "Oops. Shouldn't have said that."

"Dude, it's obvious that you like her. She likes you, too. You just gotta play it cool, man. That's how I got Cammy to like me," says Trick. "You'll be fine, man."

"Meh. Thanks for the kind words," says Tolkien sarcastically. "I know nothing about being cool. Dude, I play a fantasy role-playing game. That's not 'cool'."

Devin walks out of his tent, stark naked. Tolkien and Trick stare at him, and after a long pause, he says, "Uh, jus' goin' out fo' a li'l swim, yo."

PJ wakes up, sees the naked Devin, then goes back to sleep. Instead of snoring, she says "..." over and over.

After Devin has jumped in the lake, everyone else on the team wakes up, except for Alex, who is still sleeping heavily.

"Ugh, Arthur has texted me fifty times since last night, and they're all just obscenities," Julia says.

"Girl, don't even listen to Arthur, mostly everything that comes out of his mouth is crap," says Chrissy.

"Um, I think I've figured that out, after like 16 years of hanging out with him," Julia says. "I hate that morbidly obeeeese moron. Hey, did you hear that 1E's new album title was released? OMFG, I'm so flipping excited, eeeeeeee!

"Hooray," says Helga dryly. "Those dudes pick out the worst names ever for their songs and albums. What's the 'One Thing' anyway? I bet it's boobs, all guys like those, sadly. Ugh, what Neanderthals."

"Mhm. I'm convinced Julian liked me just for my boobs," says Estrella. "I overheard him saying naughty things to Tolkien once." Tolkien giggles quietly to himself.

Layla walks out of her tent, with her hair wild and her makeup looking blotchy. "Ugh, hello, everyone. Got no sleep last night, because nobody massaged me. You guys really need to work on that... Hmph."

"You know, maybe if you were nice to people, they would be your butler," says Alex, just waking up.

"Nice? Whoever heard of such a thing? If you want to get far in a game like this, you can't be nice," says Layla. "I thought you'd know that."

"Muh," states Alex. He yawns, stretches out his arms, and falls asleep again.

"Wow, some team," mutters Helga. Estrella nods her head in agreement.

The scene changes to the Hopalong Ralphcakes' cabin, where they are all luxuriously relaxing. Arthur and Kavren are in the corner of the room, playing jacks.

"...Onesies," says Arthur in an extremely bored tone. "This is not fun."

"Twosies," says Kavren as he throws a ball at the jacks and they scatter. "You know, Art, why are we doing this when we have a hot tub, a snack bar, and a plasma TV?"

"I honestly have no idea," Arthur states. "It's just fun for some reason. Let's talk about women, and how attractive they are. Personally, I think Chelsey is pretty attractive-looking, and Elena would be if she was not a Barbie. Also, I have to admit, Julia is not terrible either."

"Julia? But I thought you hated her," says Kavren. After contemplating for a moment, he says, "Heeey, do you just get her mad because you have a crush on her? You're one of those dudes?"

Arthur begins to sweat. "No. I just like being an annoying piece of crap, I figured you of all people would know that."

"Heh, whatever you say!" says Kavren happily. "What do you think about Abbey, d00d?"

"She's got some very nice--" begins Arthur.

"Okay, our conversation is over," says Kavren. "Wanna play some New Supah Jario Bros. Wuu! and not socialize whatsoever while doing so?" Arthur nods, and the two run upstairs.

Chelsey, Elena, and Nic are shown watching Nebraska Shore on the plasma TV.

"You know, this is my favorite episode of the new season, they're really improving. I loooove Snooki," Chelsey gushes. "Wait, Nic, why are you here?"

"Yeah, you tool, go away," Elena snorts. "Nebraska Shore is a girls' show. I don't even like Chelsey, but this show brings us together."

"Don't mind me, ladies," Nic says flirtatiously. "I am just hanging out here, and I just happen to be on your couch. I am not even paying attention to the show."

Elena flips her long and flowing hair around, and purposely hits Nic in the face with it. "Ugh, whatever, I'm getting out of here," she groans. "Just watch, they're gonna cancel the show anyway." She stomps away from the couch, and pushes Trey away, who happens to just barely be in her way. "MOVE!"

"You're so mean to me... Why do you have to be so controlling, can't I think for myself..." Trey whispers.

Puck is shown, sitting down on the couch and playing video games. "Whoo-hoo, high score and a level up! Man, this video game is coooooooool," he cheers.

"I AM BEHIND YOU!" yells a loud and menacing voice. Puck shrieks loudly, turns around, and sees nothing. He then starts to shiver, and pees his pants.

Flora, MacKenzie, and Veronica are shown in the basement, which is small and filled with a bunch of mounted animal heads.

"All right!" says Veronica. "Today is the first meeting of CAB, also known as Chicks Against Boringness. Now, what should we talk about first?"

"Who to vote out?" Flora suggests. "There are lots of people I would nominate."

"All right, I say Chelsey. She's way too popular, and before we know, she's gonna start voting us out," says Veronica. 

"Chelsey? Yeah, she was kind of mean to me and Cammy back in TDRev..." says MacKenzie. "Elena is worse, though. We should go for her first."

"Yeah, Elena is extremely mean and stuff. I don't think anyone likes her, why is she even in this season?" Flora says. "We're voting her."

There is a large crashing sound, and then someone is heard screaming. Flora, MacKenzie, and Veronica run upstairs to see what has happened, and sure enough, every contestant is there, along with Roz.

"Asdfghjkl," yells Roz. "What the crap? I was sitting here, texting my boyfraaaaaaan, and suddenly, some weird shadowy person came out of nowhere and stole my phone? Then, I looked out the window, and saw him/her/whatever get onto this giant horse and gallop away into the little tourist-y town over there!"

"Lolwut?" says Kavren after a long pause.

"Oh, hehe, you know... That's you guys' challenge today. You gotta go into the little tourist-y town over there and find my phone. This totally isn't an excuse for letting you guys have more interactions and less action because the author hates action scenes. Not at all..." Roz says. "So, yeah, split up into your teams, and whoever finds the phone first wins invincibility!"

"Wait, I'm more curious about you having a boyfriend. Didn't you break up with Chaz?" Tolkien says awkwardly.

"Hehe, Tolky, you're funny," says Roz. "Just go with yo' team, boy-eeeee."

The Hopalong Ralphcakes are shown outside, walking to the city. "Now would be an excellent time to revive the marching song from Tiki Jungle," states Arthur. "Yo, Father Christmas, are you coming or not?"

Trey is sitting down on the ground, playing with a dandelion. "Dude, stop calling me that... But yeah, I don't feel like walking..."

"Trey, you moron, if you don't get up, we'll vote you out," Elena says angrily. "Come on, you're holding our team back. How are we supposed to get to this darn city anyway? It's like a hundred miles away."

"What if we hijack a car from an innocent bystander and then steal some money from a bank?" suggests Wolfgang, as he gets some disturbed stares. "What, I was just thinking out loud."

"Excellent idea, Wolfie! There's a car right there, actually," says Puck. "Let's jump in!"

Puck, Wolfgang, and the boys begin to climb into the car. "Uh, where do we sit?" Chelsey says. "Us chicks need some room, dudes. This car can't be a total sausage-fest. Girls don't like that."

"Get in the trunk," says Wolfgang gruffly. The girls quickly jump into the trunk, and they all drive to the city. Once they finally get there, the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits are already there.

"What? How?!" Nic asks in shock. "I thought we had left before you all!"

"Uh, no, G," says Devin. "We got dem jetpacks, yo. C'mon, teamies, leggo." Devin and the rest of his team strut away.

Once they're all gone, Arthur says, "All right. Me, Kavren, and Chelsey will go together, Wolfgang and Puck can go, and--"

"Ew, why me? I prefer going by myself. Say one of my friends is here and sees me hanging out with you nerds... My life would be over. O-V-E-R. Over," scoffs Chelsey. "I'd even rather go with... Elena." She shudders.

"Fine, girlie, if you wanna go with me, then let's go," Elena says rudely. "We can go check out the Victoria's Secret store over there."

"Um, I think the boys are already on that..." Veronica says, pointing to Arthur, Kavren, and Puck, who are sprinting over to the store.

"Open the door! Open the door!" Puck squeals, as Arthur attempts to open the door to the store. They finally burst in, and see that the store is filled with... old, hairy men.

"Whaaa?" Kavren gasps. "But I thought there were gonna be young, attractive women here!"

"Haw, haw," guffaws one of the old men. "This isn't Victoria's Secret. This is Victor's Secret. It's an adult diaper store. We frequently get kids like you in here, thinking that they're gonna find ladies. Buuuut, no ladies have ever come here, except for the workers. You need some diapers?"

"Yes," says Arthur. "I actually do. My peanuts are so loose that I believe they will be falling out at some point."

The old, hairy guy tosses a gigantic diaper over to Arthur, and it hits him in the face. As Arthur brushes it off, a phone mysteriously falls out from the diaper.

"Holy bladvass, it's Roz's phone!" says Kavren, examining the phone. "Wait, uh, never mind. Unless Roz's name is 'Gertrude Flabberman' and she is interested in dentures, it's not hers. Darn it, I thought we were close."

"This store is not going to help us at all," says Arthur. "Maybe we can go get some fast food instead. Let's scoot, men."

"Men? My mom says I'm not a man," says Puck. "Apparently my level of 'social maturity' isn't high enough. Wonder what she means?" The three boys run out of the store, and bump into Tolkien, Trick, Devin, and Alex, who are running towards the store.

"Hey!" they all yell simultaneously. "Why did you... Why are we... Stop talking at the same time as me!"

"We was jus' tryin' t' find Roz's phoney-phone in dat store, yo," Devin explains. "Aaaaan', I also be likin' th' women's undergarments, soooo, it be a prime place t' look."

"No, it's actually a men's diapers store," says Alex.

"An' how do you be knowin' dat?" Devin says.

"My dad shops there all the time," Alex says. "Come on, boys."

Meanwhile, the girls of the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits are walking down the street, searching in every nook and cranny for the missing cell phone.

"Hmmm," Julia says, examining the various muscular boys walking by in beach tees. "I say a seven, six, seven, eight, oooh, that guy's a nine. Seven, six, four, two, eight, nine, six, one... eww, that guy's a zero. Where are the 10s?!"

"Well, to be honest, you do set some high standards," grunts Helga. "If I remember correctly, earlier you said that you wouldn't ever date a boy unless he looked like one of the five members of One Erection, and the only guys I've seen who even look close to any of the guys are Kavren and Nic, both of whom you have expressed disgust towards."

"Yeah, Julia, I don't think boys like girls who are obsessive 1E fans," Chrissy says coolly. "I mean, you just gotta act chill." Chrissy accidentally bumps into some guy who's walking past, pulls out a pocketknife, and yells, "WATCH IT, BUDDY!" The guy screams and runs away.

"Oh, wow, Helga," Estrella gasps, pointing out a store that says 'Snidely's Books.' "Let's go in there and completely forget about the challenge. I'm sure there are tons of morbid books in there about death and stuff. Like, the new book in the Vulture Chronicles came out yesterday. In this one, Vincenzo gets stabbed and killed by Raul, who is avenging his dead brother. Tasty."

"This is why I like you, Estrella," responds Helga, and the two sprint away.

"..." says PJ, pointing to a phone lying on a trash can.

"Could it be?" Layla gasps, and starts looking through the phone. "Ugh, it won't turn on!"

"Maybe it's because you're not pressing the button, your finger is just over it..." explains Chrissy. "Are you seriously that pathetic?"

"Shut up, I'm not pathetic!" snorts Layla. "Can someone turn this on for me?"

Chrissy snatches the phone from Layla angrily, and mashes the power button over and over. The phone soon blows up, leaving debris everywhere.

"If that actually was Roz's phone, we're completely screwed," Julia worries. "Not as screwed as if 1E split up, though. I don't even wanna think about that..." A single tear falls down Julia's cheek.

Wolfgang, Puck, Arthur, Trey, Kavren, and Nic are shown at a seafood restaurant, and they are - sure enough - ordering food.

"Oooh, it's a sexy waitress," says Puck happily. "Coooooool. All righty, lemme order." He walks over to the waitress, who has her back turned to him. "Hey, do you have fish and chips here?"

The waitress looks at Puck like he is an idiot. "What?"

"I said..." says Puck extremely slowly, trying to get her to understand. "Do... you... have... any... fish... and... chips?"

"Dude, I heard you," whines the waitress, in a deep voice. "I said 'what' because obviously, we don't have fish and chips. Do we look like that kind of restaurant? No. We sell stuff like lobsters. For only $199."

"There is NO WAY we're paying that!" Wolfgang yells. "I have absolutely no money, and even if I did, I wouldn't spend it on this. Seafood is disgusting. Come on, guys. We actually need to work."

"No... I wanna eat..." sighs Trey. "I lived off of coconuts at Tiki Island... Time to have some real food for a change..."

"Wait, but none of us have money," Kavren realizes. "I'm really starving, though. I could eat a dead horse."

"Uh, I don't think that is how the saying goes..." says Nic. "But dudes, I'm loaded with benjamins. Girls tip me for being sexy. Yes, it happens. Shall we eat?"

"Dudes, if you don't eat in the next five minutes, we'll kick you out," groans the waitress, raising her voice. She then turns around, and reveals that "she" is actually Smoothie Guy.

"Oh mai..." Kavren says, his mouth hanging open. "Dude, I forgot about your long, flowing blonde locks! That's so nasty!"

"Yeah, you idiots. I spent the last five months sailing the seas in the S.S. Crappyboatthatbreakseasily, but it got boring and I got lost at sea, so after two freakin' weeks, I decided to come here. Of course, you had to show up," says the smoothie guy, narrowing his eyes at Kavren.

"Two weeks... That's better than a year..." Trey says quietly.

"Hey, jolly old elf, all you do is mope and complain about being stuck on the island," Arthur says wisely. "Please still your tongue, or we'll vote you--" Arthur's watch beeps, and he looks at the time, which is 6:30.

"Ohhhhh, no..." mutters everyone, including Smoothie Guy.

Everyone looks at Smoothie Guy, and he says, "What? I read the pre-season biographies."

"Wait, guys, maybe the phone is hidden in one of the meals!" says Flora. "Yay, I'm actually being helpful!"

"Um, no, you're not. That's the stupidest idea ever. Definitely not gonna work," scoffs Elena.

"Well, it's worth a try," responds Chelsey. "Come on, Elena. Don't be so moody. People don't like that, it is NOT popular at all."

"...Wait. When did you guys get here?" Kavren says. "Five minutes ago, it was all us dudes. I mean, not that I'm complaining, but you know... Did you have any luck?"

"Yeah, of course we had luck," says Chelsey sarcastically. "No, of course not. If we did, why would we be here? We'd be livin' it up in the big, cool house. Now, let's eat so we can get out of here and actually do the challenge."

"While developing and going through puberty, some children have better luck than others. They--" Before Arthur can finish, Elena takes out a roll of duct tape and angrily tapes it onto his mouth. "Mmrmpht."

A half hour later, the food finally arrives. Smoothie Guy comes out from the kitchen, wheeling in a gigantic table with a dead shark on it, covered in seasoning. "Well, what are you waiting for? EAT."

"What is THAT?" Elena groans. "There is no way. Ew."

Meanwhile, every member of the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits except Helga and Estrella is in a gigantic department store, haplessly looking for the missing phone.

"Dude, what be lingerie, yo?" Devin says, pronouncing it like 'ling-er-ee.' "I'mma try some on. Look like it be in the happ'nin' fo' style righ' now, G."

"Uh, dude, I wouldn't do that if I were you..." Alex says, while examining various phone cases. "I wonder if some sneaky bastard hid one of the phones in one of these phone cases." After he has no luck looking, he says, "Come on, Dev, let's go, this is boring."

The two walk out of the department store, and into the art gallery-ish place across the street, where Helga and Estrella are shown with gigantic piles of books, Helga with old British literature and Estrella with morbid, gothic fiction. "No luck," grunts Estrella.

"Wait, have you even been looking?" snaps Layla. "Ugh, you guys need to stop being so lazy."

"..." says PJ.

"That's PJ-ese for 'you're one to talk,' I'm guessing," says Helga rudely. "Come on, guys. We've been searching for like a day. It's not possible that we're gonna find her phone, we have less than an hour until all the stores close."

"Wait, look out the window!" yells Tolkien. He points to some guy who is outside, texting on a pink phone with a Batman logo on it. "LET'S GO!" Tolkien jumps out of the window, and is followed by every single member of the team, and they all crowd around the man.

"Hey, who are you, and why did you steal Roz's phone?!" yells Julia. "We had to go on a freaking wild goose chase around the city so we could find you!"

"Calm down, who are you guys anyway?" says the guy. "This is my phone. Please leave..." He begins to sweat, and then runs away.

"Well, if that was Roz's phone, that guy is a pretty convincing liar," says Chrissy. "Come on, everyone. Let's just go, I've had enough of this. Who cares if we lose?"

"Muh. Words of wisdom right there, sweetie," mutters Alex. "If I get eliminated, who cares? I'll just have more time to sleep."

Trick takes out his skateboard, and gets on. "I'm headin' back. Let's go, fellas."

Tolkien says in the confessional, "Ugh, that was such a fiasco. I wanted to impress Roz and get her phone, so she could learn that I'm actually a cool and fun person. All she thinks about is Chaz, even though she said she dumped him and likes me... Whatever. Tonight, I'm going to prove to her that I like her."

The Hopalong Ralphcakes are still at the restaurant. There is a gigantic pile of bones where the shark originally was, and most of the contestants looks woozy or tired, some with balloon bellies.

"I think my peanuts are going to pop..." says Arthur groggily. "Was there any phone hidden in the shark? No, there was not. Complete waste of time. Kav, do you still have Gertrude's phone?"

"Mmmm-hmm, I do!" says Kavren happily. "I kept it in case we needed it somehow."

"I bet the phone is actually Roz's phone and she played some idiotic trick on us," Wolfgang grunts. "Come on, that's just too obvious."

"You know, I wanna get up and leave this place, but I can barely move... Why did I have to eat that shark!" Puck begins to sob.

There is a loud noise that sounds like the noise from earlier when Roz's phone was stolen. Roz appears in the air, wearing a jetpack, and rockets down from the ceiling.

"Haiii, guyzies!" she says happily. "Did you find my phone? Turns out got hacked by some weird company, and it changed everything to a buncha dentures ads and made my name 'Gertrude' something-or-other."

"YES!" yells Wolfgang. "Ugh, I mean... What a coincidence. Here's your phone, Roz." He snatches the phone from Kavren and thrusts it into Roz's hands forcefully.

"OMG, OMG, OMG, this is it!" yells Roz gleefully. "OMG, guys, I'm so, like, happy and blargh. OMG, so yeah, you guys totally win the challenge! Time to text my love buddies! OMG! Eeeee!"

"The next time you say 'OMG,' I'm going to get diabetes," grunts Wolfgang.

"Wolfie, be happy! We just won the challenge, dude!" Puck says happily, and bear-hugs him. "Come on, we can hang out more in the awesome cabin!"

Chelsey says in the confessional, "Well, I suppose my team did a decent job today. We won again, which is good for Elena, because her sorry butt is being saved from elimination... Again. Ugh, that girl really pisses me off, and I want to boot her out, but if we keep winning, how is she supposed to leave? Maybe I'll play sneaky and throw a challenge or two. I could easily get Kavren and Puck with me, they're not the brightest bulbs, and if I flirt with Nic, he will join me, too. Arthur and Trey are swing votes, pretty unpredictable, and I think I'll just leave Wolfgang alone. The boring girls seem to not like Elena, either, so maybe I'll make some sort of alliance with them. Puurrrrfect."

The Swagged Out Citrus Fruits are shown walking away from the city, spread out into different groups. Helga and Estrella are pulling a gigantic wagon filled with books.

"Urgh, why... is... this... so... heavy?!" yells Estrella. "I wanna get home and read my Vulture Chronicles book!"

Helga points at Alex, who is asleep on top of the wagon. "Hey, what's that rat doing on there?" She angrily shoves Alex onto the ground, and he wakes up. "Oof! Hey, thanks for nothing, Helga. I needed that sleep."

Alex says in the confessional, "You know, those two girls are really pissing me off. They're lazy as crap, and they say rude stuff to people, and nobody cares? Meanwhile, I'm just minding my own business, and everyone gives me flack about it. Jeez, double standards."

"Snapbacks an' tattoos. Snapbacks an' tattoos. Nice whips, fly chicks, all dat 'cuz cash rules," raps Devin, swaggering along annoyingly.

"Okay, dude, that's not real music," says Trick smoothly. "Real music is classic rock, man. Just listen to it, and let it suck you in. I meditate to classic rock once in a while. Pretty relaxing."

"Wha' you talkin' 'bout, G?! What be classic rock? Rocks be big ol' thangs that y' throw a' peeps! Not music! M' 'pinion, th' only true music 'round here be hardcore gangsta rap, yo," Devin yells.

Trick says in the confessional, "Is that kid serious? Like... Does he actually think he's a gangsta, or is he just playing some stupid act? Because he can't actually be that dumb."

"Man, I just realized that we're sleeping in our tents again... That sucks, doesn't it?" Tolkien says to Trick, trying to make conversation. Trick shakes his head as they finally get to the tents.

"So, uh, who are we gonna vote out?" Chrissy says to Julia, Layla, and PJ, who are all sitting there. "I say one of the dudes, Helga, or Estrella."

"..." says PJ.

"Ew. Definitely one of the dudes. Probably Devin, he really bothers me since he's all poser-y and whatnot," Julia says. "I heard that he said rap was the only good kind of music... What about Nutria and 1E?!"

"Nutria and 1E aren't that good, no offense, girl," Chrissy says coolly. "Real music is stuff like games., The Calves, and even Sheepyay."

"Sheepyay? You mean that pathetic one-hit wonder who wrote that boring song consisting of him whispering, and then screaming in the chorus? Yeah, that song is abhorrent," Helga rants. "Even the Wily Tanukis' cover of the song back in Tokyo was better, and I had to shut that monstrosity off halfway through. That's why I only listen to audiobooks."

"Whatever..." Layla scoffs. "Hey, someone want to get me some Arnold Palmer? I'm really craving it right now."

"NO!" yells PJ. Everyone stares at her.

Roz is shown with the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits at elimination. "Sooooo, Swaggy Citrus, this is your second time at elimination, huh? I really don't know what to say. Tolky, I thought you would do better. Meh, whatever. The first seashell goes toooooooooo... Chrissy." She tosses Chrissy a seashell, and Chrissy catches it.

"Alex and Trick, you two are both safe," says Roz. Alex's seashell falls into his mouth, as he is snoring.

"Mmmm, and Tolky, you too," Roz chirps. Tolkien cheers, as he catches his seashell.

"Helga and Estrella," says Roz. The two say "meh" simultaneously.

"Aaaand Layla, aaaand Devin." Devin and Layla grab their seashells.

"PJ and Julia..." says Roz. "You know, I don't even... Whatevah. The final seashell goes to..."

"Julia." Julia cheers loudly.

"...Layla, you monster," PJ says quietly. "Was this because I didn't get you a drink? That is the stupidest reason to eliminate someone... EVER."

"Yep, I didn't even know," Roz says. "Peej is a fan favorite, but I guess Layla was on top of this one."

"Actually, no," Layla says, puzzled. "I voted for Julia." Julia groans. "What the crap? Is there another mystery voter, or is... What?!"

"Whatever..." PJ says. "I'll leave now." PJ walks away quietly, and boards the Boat of Losers. As she sails into the night, she glares at Layla.

"Meh," says Alex, as they walk back to their tents. "She was too overrated. Like I said back in episode one, '...' isn't that funny."

Layla says in the confessional, "Of course I voted for PJ. Why would I say that out loud, though? I like playing the role of the innocent girl. And until I get a new Charles, I'm just gonna keep voting off these losers. Hmph."

"Oooooh!" Roz says happily, as they all leave. "Some drama is already heating up! Will the Hopalong Ralphcakes continue to win? Or will they crash and burn, like the Terrible Tikis? Will Layla find a new Charles, and will Chelsey and Elena continue to brawl? Will Wolfgang and Puck become friends? ...Probably not. But whatever, tune in next time on Total... Drama... Superstar Showdown!"

Chapter 4 - Halloweenies

Roz is shown on a recliner chair, watching television. She looks at the camera, and sees that she's rolling. "Oh!" she squeals. "Well, haii, guys. Last time on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown, the contestants had to do a lot of random crap that involved finding my lost, but not really lost, phone. The Ralphcakes and the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits had a wild goose chase in the city, going into various random stores. Finally, the Citrus Fruits lost again, and voted out PJ because she really didn’t do anything except say ‘...’, and I guess people thought she was a threat cuz she never talked. Who will win? Who will lose? Will I make the contestants participate in an extremely late Halloween special? Find out today on Total... Drama... Superstar Showdown!”

The Hopalong Ralphcakes are shown in their cabin, living luxuriously for the second night in the row. Arthur is sitting on the couch, watching The Astounding Race with Chelsey.

"Hey, Chelsey," Arthur scoffs. "Let's play the Fire Truck Game. I shall move my hand up your leg, and you say 'red light' when you feel violated. Got it?"

"Uh, okay," responds Chelsey warily. Arthur begins to move his hand up Chelsey's leg. "Red light!" she yells, once he gets to her shorts.

"Fire trucks don't stop at red lights..." grins Arthur.

"Ew, Arthur, you're so gross," says Chelsey angrily, getting off of the couch. "This show isn't even that good. I'd rather hang out with..." She shudders. "Elena. Wait, no, I take that back. Elena's a--"

"Lalalalalalalalaaaaa," sings a voice coming from the bathroom. "Mimimimimimimiiiii. Falalalalalalaaaaaaa."

"Who is that?" Chelsey asks suspiciously. "I swear, if it's that little Kavren, he's gonna..."

Nic walks out of the bathroom, wearing nothing but a towel. "Vas happenin'?" he says like usual. "Did you guys hear my singing? Hopefully not, because I am very self-conscious about it. I like to believe that I sing like Zane, though. Ladies love that, hmmm?"

"Oh. Yeah. We heard your singing, all right," says Chelsey. "Don't worry, it wasn't that bad." She whispers to Arthur, "JK. It totes was. Hey, where's Puck?"

Puck appears out of nowhere, with a jar of prunes. "Oh, just eating a little somethin' before the challenge! How's it going, guys? Last night was so coooool, right? We won again!"

"Uh, Puck? Why are you eating prunes?" Flora says. "And guys, don't even say that you didn't notice me..." She sniffs. "I'm used to it."

"Oh, just to tighten up my bowels!" Puck says cheerily. "Ooh, I wonder where Wolfie is? I'm sure he'd love some of my prunes."

Wolfgang is sitting in the corner of the room, listening to loud music on a uPhone and doing mysterious stuff on a laptop while solving a Rubik's Cube. "I wasn't talking on purpose," he grunts. "I hate you all."

"Wolfgang, what music is that..." Chelsey says. "Is that crappy synth-pop? Nobody listens to that crap except Puck. Is that Puck's phone?" She begins to giggle.

"Uh, no, definitely not," growls Wolfgang. "I totally wasn't trying to sabotage his relationship with Casey. Nope, not at all. Just playing Doodle A Thing. Yep."

"Aw, buddy, I don't mind if you use my phone!" grins Puck. "Just... don't say anything bad to Case, kay? We've been dating for eight months, and I care about her more than anything... except hockey."

"Awwwwwww..." Elena says sarcastically. "Just kidding, nobody cares. Casey is an ugly poser, and she's also a perfect match for you."

"Casey? Ugh, tell her maybe if she was more popular, I'd like her," purrs Chelsey.

A loud crashing noise is heard, and Kavren suddenly appears, hanging upside down from the ceiling on his feet. "Bloop pork. That was a pretty nice sleep, I just got up. Oppan Gangnam Style! Haha, I love that song. Me and my buddy Leo made up a dance to it. Wanna see?" Kavren starts to do the Gangnam Style dance.

"Uh, Kavren, you didn't make that up," says Veronica. "That's the real dance."

"...Oh," says Kavren sadly. "By the way, Arthur, why do you hate your Uncle Arturo so much? You kept ranting and going all Julia about him last night."

"Hmm, let's see here. He drove my mother's car into a pole, he quit his million-dollar job, he won the lottery and then spent all his winnings on Bavarian sausages, he frequently shoots puppies with arrows, he calls me 'Mr. Jiggles,' and one year he stayed in my house, and now my room smells like a mixture of enchiladas and a giant fart," explains Arthur.

"Hehehe, that's awesome, Mr. Jiggles," giggles Kavren.

Arthur walks up to Kavren and punches him in the face, making him fall down from the ceiling. "Our friendship is tumultuous," says Arthur.

Chelsey nods her head in shock. "Hey, where's Trey?" she asks. "You'd think he would be complaining about crap."

"I'm sitting right here..." says Trey quietly, on the couch. "I bet nobody even knew I was out here... I'm so pathetic... I just want to curl up into a ball and cry about my life..."

"I'd like to see tha--" says Arthur, but Veronica interrupts him.

"It's okay, Trey," she says, giving him a pat on the back. "Flora, MacKenzie, and I feel your pain. If you need any help, just talk to us."

Trey says in the confessional, "This season really isn't going very well for me... Nobody trusts me, and I don't have any alliances or anything like that... Ugh..."

Meanwhile, the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits are asleep on the ground in front of the campfire. Trick and Tolkien are snuggling, although they're completely unaware.

Layla walks out from the woods, and blows a trumpet, waking everyone around her up. Trick notices Tolkien snuggling with him, and he says, "All right, putting your head on my shoulder was kind of excusable, but this is too much," he says in alarm.

"Huh?" Tolkien wakes up. "Oh. Uh, sorry. Yeah, this is awkward. I won't do that again..."

Trick is shown in the confessional, "Tolkien is acting really weird. I don't know whether I should keep him in the game, or eliminate him, or what. Whatever, I guess I'll keep him in the game for now."

"Chop chop," Layla says loudly. "Time for the auditions for 'Who Wants To Be A Charles?'! First up is... Wait, where is everyone?"

"Anywhere but here," scoffs Julia, waking up. "Hey, where's my 1E teddy bear? I need my bear, dudes. Seriously, it's autographed by Zane, Larry, Leeyum, and Louie. Nobody gives a crap about Nile, though, so he didn't autograph me. WHERE IS MY BEAR."

Julia says in the confessional, "Well, they aren't actually their real signatures, but whatever. I'm good at forgery, like that one time when I got in trouble in class and the sub was gonna write my name down, but he went to the bathroom, and I wrote down Arthur's name instead. Signature and all. Hehehe, now if I could just apply my skills to the game, I'd be golden."

Helga is shown waking up. "Ugh, that was a terrible night of sleep. I don't enjoy sleeping on the cold, hard ground. Especially since my books all mysteriously disappeared..." She narrows her eyes. "Hey, where's Devin?"

Devin, covered in leaves, wearing nothing but underwear, and holding a sack stuffed with suspicious material, falls from a tree. "Oof! Oh, s'up, m' grapefruits? It be a nice day t' go trick o' treatin', but y'know, we ain't able t' 'cuz we's in dis stupid game, yo."

"Trick or treating? Are you mentally stable?" asks Estrella. "...Oh, wait. It's Halloween today, purrrrfect. My favorite day of the year."

Alex is shown in the confessional. "Obviously Estrella is gonna get voted out, it's Halloween, just like that Northworth dude back in Revolution on his birthday. She's morbid, though, so it might be an advantage, if we have some weird sorta trivia challenge today."

Helga looks at Devin, her eyes wide. "Devin.... What is in that sack?" Devin starts whistling innocently, and trying to hide the sack behind his back. Helga runs up to Devin, and yells, "GIVE ME THE SACK!" She tackles Devin, and the sack finally spills out, revealing Helga's books, Julia's stuffed bear, and a sleeping Alex.

"God, it was stuffy in there," yawns Alex, waking up. "Devin, what the crap?"

Chrissy says in the confessional, "Devin is probably trying to be less mainstream and hang out with the tribe, but he's just not getting it. Stealing people's stuff? No."

"Oh, by th' way, I also found dis note, yo," Devin says, holding up a crumpled piece of paper. "'Ey, 'Elga, since you be so good at readin', why don't you read dis note fo' th' teamie?"

Helga snorts. "Whatever." She picks up the paper, and reads. "Hi, contestants. I'm too lazy to come over to you guys, so I have enclosed a giant sack full of paper strips that you will draw out for today's challenge. Once you get your corresponding strip of paper, you'll go to the other team's cabin, and they have a sack with your... er, materials for today's challenge. Then, you'll meet me at the beach, where I'll actually explain this challenge."

"Costume competition, it's obvious," says Estrella. "I'll draw first." She reaches into the bag, and takes out a slip of paper that says 'fairy.' "NO! I refuse to wear pink. Ugh, of course I get the worst one."

"Hey, mine will probably be worse," says Helga, drawing. She picks 'Renaissance woman.' "Ha, never mind. Not bad at all."

Layla stomps up to the bag, and picks it. "Hobo?!" she yells in disgust. "I am NOT a hobo. If this is some sort of 'symbolic' crap, then I'm not doing it. Ugh, screw Roz and her stupid games."

Julia is shown whispering and crossing her fingers. "Pleasepleaseplease--" She draws 'Zane.' "YES! Yesyesyesyes! Eeee!"

Helga says in the confessional, "The chick makes Katie and Sadie seem quiet."

Chrissy is shown drawing 'pirate.' "Eh. I already wear sunglasses anyway," she says coolly. "Arrrrrr."

"I swear, if I have to be her parrot..." says Alex groggily, as he draws out the slip of paper. "Vampire. Cool. I hope I'm one of those sexy ones like Deadward Sullen, the chicks will be all over me, if you know what I'm saying." He nudges Devin, who giggles.

"I guess I be..." Devin picks his card and gasps in shock. "A nerd?! I ain't no nerd, yo. I be th' hardcore G."

Trick is shown drawing his card, and it says, 'pizza.' "How am I supposed to be a pizza? Aw, man, please, don't have tons of food costumes..." He shudders, thinking of Kavren's antics in his banana suit.

"And last but not least, me!" says Tolkien happily, drawing the last card out of the bag. "I'm a... hockey player? Aw, that's kinda boring. I hoped I'd be the Black Mage, either that or a male stripper or something to impress Roz."

Inside, the Hopalong Ralphcakes are shown to be doing the same thing, and the author doesn't feel like announcing everyone's costumes one by one because it would be tedious, so Veronica, Flora, and MacKenzie are shown with their costumes: a Christmas tree, an octopus, and a rapper.

"Hmm, I wonder what sort of chaz Roz will make us go through today. As long as it involves shoplifting candy, I'm in. I did that one year with Kav. Hey, Kav, remember when those cops were joking around with us, good times, eh?" laughs Arthur. "Now, time to see what I shall be..." He draws a costume from the big bag, and it's a long, flowing black girls' wig and a small, leopard print bikini. "Wut?"

"Ugh, I'll probably get something crappy..." Trey mopes, as he picks up a genie costume. "I wish I could grant wishes... I'd wish to be out of this hell hole..."

Kavren walks out of the bathroom, in his banana suit from Revolution. "What's up, blooper-scoopers? Got my old friend with me," he says. "And yep, I totally got this from the bag. Definitely." He makes a shifty-eyed face.

Nic grabs a gigantic, unidentifiable costume from the bag. "What is this? This doesn't show off Abby. I don't even know what it's supposed to be!" He holds up the costume, which looks like a gigantic piece of yellow bread dipped in a bowl of a brown mush.

"Beans and cornbread!" says Puck happily. "That's a sweet costume! I wish I had one like that... Hey, where's my costume?" Puck glances at the bag, which is empty. "What about Wolfie and Chelsey and whoever else?"

"You moron, we already got our costumes, but Roz wants us to get to the challenge," says Wolfgang, dressed as a werewolf.

"Fitting costume," grunts Chelsey, who's dressed as a hamburger. "Where's Elena? Can't wait to see what ugly crap she's in."

Elena steps out of the bathroom. She's wearing brown overalls and a green wig. "I'm an Oompa Loompa," she says extremely unenthusiastically. "Roz said I didn't need to wear any face paint. What a b--"

A loud horn honks from outside, signifying that the challenge is about to begin. The Ralphcakes run out of the cabin, but Nic runs into Chelsey, toppling down everyone else. After everyone is on the ground, Arthur says, "This will be a fun challenge indeed."

Outside, the Ralphcakes and the Citrus Fruits meet Roz on the beach. "Hellooooo, everyone!" she says. "Sooo, since this was supposed to be a Halloween special, you guys are gonna do a Halloween challenge. Buuuut, that might have been obvious because of the costumes. Now, first off, you--"

"Hey, Roz, where's my 'stume? I didn't get one!" complains Puck.

"First of all, nobody says 'stume. It's not cool. Aaaand, second of all, here's your costume," Roz says. She picks up a jack o'lantern and throws it at Puck. It miraculously lands on of his head, and fits perfectly.

"Jack O'Puck," she says. "No complaints, or you'll sit out. Now, like I was saying... Teams will race to the end of the beach, where there will be a couple of catapult thingies. You will control the catapults, and launch pumpkins from them onto targets on the other side of the beach. Each time a pumpkin lands on the target, you get 100 points, and first team to get to 500 wins. If you get a bullseye, you get 500 points automatically. You can also catch pumpkins... May not be too safe, but you can do it... You get 500 points if you catch a pumpkin and don't injure yourself or break a bone. If you win this, you'll get an advantage in the next part of the challenge! Oh, and the Ralphcakes will sit out two members of this challenge. Who will they be?"

"Veronica and Flora," scoffs Elena. "They're boring."

"Mkay..." Roz says. "Y'know, if I were nice, I'd make you and Chelsey sit out 'cuz you've been hogging screen-time and Ronnie and Flora haven't had like any lines, but I'm not nice, so yeah. Veronica 'n' Flora. Get your booties away from here." Veronica and Flora sadly mope away.

"Aw, what?" Flora mutters. "We've never had to sit out before."

"Shut uppppp," Roz barks. "K, guys. Readeh? Oh, yeah, and also, you will have to do this crap in your costumes, so that might slow you down or whatever. Ready, set... GO!"

Arthur and Kavren rush to the catapult with Wolfgang, and they pull back one of their pumpkins. "OK, Kav, be sure to do it lightly so--" says Arthur.

Kavren pulls back the pumpkin and releases it, sending it flying onto Elena and knocking her onto the ground.

"I was trying to say not to do that. Jesus Chris, Kavren," scoffs Arthur. "But, we still have many a pumpkin left, so we're not out of the challenge yet." He looks at his bikini, and shivers. "I feel very exploited right now."

"Arthur, get it together!" howls Wolfgang. He violently pulls back the catapult, and releases it. The pumpkin flies into the air, and... misses the target by 1/12th of an inch. Wolfgang yells something dirty.

Julia and Chrissy are shown, manipulating the Citrus Fruits' catapult. "OK, Chrissy, we gotta do this lightly. Remember, if we win, we get an advantage, soooo, lezzdooaaat!" yells Julia. She pulls back the catapult, and it is sent hurtling.

"Guys! Check it out! I got it! I got it! I go--" yells Puck, jumping up and down quickly. The pumpkin smashes into Puck's stomach, knocking him out cold.

"SHUASHUASHUA!" laughs Wolfgang heartily. "Now, that's comedy."

Elena slowly gets up, and feels her head, which has a giant bump on it. "Puck, stop being a lazy butt, and we gotta do this. If you win the challenge for me, I'll make out with you, and believe me, that is one opportunity you don't want to miss. Deal?"

"Uh, Elena, if you knew me well, you'd know that I'm already dating the beautiful Casey, and I refuse to flirt with other gurlies. Sorry, you're a cool person, but I don't roll like that!" Puck says cheerfully.

"Yeah, about that..." mutters Wolfgang. He takes Puck's phone out of his pocket, showing that he still has it, and the phone rumbles. Wolfgang tries to contain his laughter.

"Oh, Wolfie, you found somethin' funny on there? Awesome, I got this really cool joke app!" Puck yells.

Back at the Citrus Fruits' catapult, Julia and Chrissy are struggling. "This... is... impossible..." Chrissy says. "Freaking pirate costume... And keep in mind that I'm semi-athletic... Alex, get off your arse and help us! Is it really that hard?!"

"Yes," mutters Alex groggily. "I only got ten hours of sleep last night. Gotta catch up..." He begins to drift off to sleep again, but Chrissy kicks him in the groin and he gets back up. "Not cool, man."

Chrissy throws another pumpkin. Trick and Tolkien run to try and catch it, but they're lucky - the pumpkin just barely lands on the target. Trick and Tolkien cheer, and Tolkien hugs Trick. "Uh, no," says Trick, and Tolkien gets off.

"The Citrus Fruits score a point!" yells Roz happily. "Nic's up now now, running to catch a pumpkin. Oh, and he misses it! Arthur and Kavren throw another pumpkin, will this one work?!"

"Yo, dawg, I got dis!" says Devin enthusiastically, trying to put a heavy pumpkin onto the catapult.

"Hehe, I don't think so," says a small voice. Devin turns around and sees Helga and Estrella sitting in the corner, reading morbid books. Layla is sitting next to them, doing absolutely nothing but sitting in her hobo costume and scowling.

Devin says in the confessional, "Th' problem wit' our team be dat none o' dem is focusin', dawg. If we's be gettin' off ou' lazy butts, den we'd ha' a goo' chance o' winnin', bu' ain't nobody feel like doin' so. Aye, don' blame me wen we's headin' to elimination, yo."

Devin shakes his head in disappointment, and pulls the catapult back. The pumpkin zooms in the air to the other target, and lands on it.

"Citrus Fruits with 200 points now! Aaaand, the Ralphcakes still have zero. Step it up, guys, or you'll be really sad in the next challenge!" Roz chirps.

"You know what? We are going to win, with the power of beans and cornbread!" Nic says valiantly. "I will now throw the winning pumpkin!" He puts a pumpkin onto the catapult, pulls it back, and releases it, sending it flying up into the air.

Puck, Elena, and Chelsey run to catch the pumpkin. "Come on..." Chelsey mutters. The pumpkin comes hurtling down, and a gigantic explosion is heard. Smoke soon flies into the air, covering up everyone. Once the smoke clears, Chelsey is shown holding the pumpkin.

"Hey, Roz, I got it," Chelsey squeals. "So, does that mean we win?"

"YES!" yells Roz. "In an amazing come-from-behind victory, the Ralphcakes win the first part of the challenge. Maybe I should have made it a little harder to win, but it's not like anyone can realistically catch a pumpkin... Except Chelsey... Whatever. I'll explain the next challenge in a sec, I may or may not have thought of it already. Heh." She looks at the contestants, shifty-eyed.

Puck says in the confessional, "That. Was. AWESOME! Man, my team is really cool. We've been avoiding elimination so much, it's like insane! The people on it are really weird, and MacKenzie is practically invisible, but whatever. Wolfie is really fun, and I'm glad he's so supportive."

Chelsey says in the confessional, "Well, that was really unexpected. And I'm still in one piece, thank god. Ew, if I ever broke a bone, that would destroy my popularity..."

Tolkien is shown dancing in the confessional, with a pink radio playing music. "Freaked out, dropped my phone in the pool again," the music plays, and Tolkien lip-syncs to the music. He then suspiciously turns off the music, and says, "Oops. Uh, well, I don't think we did very well in that... Hope Roz doesn't mind. I really like her... I wonder how Kav would react? But he's on the other team, so I can't even socialize. Gotta wait till merge, I guess." He laughs nervously.

"OK, guys!" yells Roz. "Finally got the idea for the next challenge."

"What is it, shoplifting candy like Arthur said..." says Trey quietly.

"Yes!" Roz responds. "Hehe, Trey, it actually is. You're sooo psychotic, I mean, psychic! Heh. Anyway, you guys will get one hour to roam around the beach and whatnot and find as much candy as you can. The winning team gets invincibility, and the losing team has to go to elimination!"

"Wait, what about our advantage?" whines Elena. "You better not have been kidding, Roz."

"Ohhh, no, I wasn't!" Roz chirps. She reaches into her pocket and tosses her a Footsie Roll.

Elena catches it in her hands, and scowls. "What is this?"

"Ooh, it's a Footsie Roll!" Roz twitters. "It's candy, right? That's one less piece that you guys have to collect! Hehe. Makes your job a lot easier, right?!"

"Lawl. At least we're not them," Layla whispers. "I enjoy seeing the other team suffer. Serves them right for destroying us in the other challenges." Helga and Estrella nod their heads.

The scene changes to the Hopalong Ralphcakes walking around, trying to find candy. Elena is whining, "Sooo, this August, we got an exchange student from Ruritania or whatever. And she's such a brat. She has to sleep in the room next to mine, out of all of the rooms in the house, why that one?! And she's taking all the attention away from me. The second my brother leaves for college, this @#$%& has to step in and ruin everything. Her name is Parmis. What kind of a name is that?!"

"It sounds like a spice," MacKenzie says.

"Yeah, like parmesan," Elena nods her head. "Ugh, I hate her. This is the longest nine months of my life."

Chelsey says in the confessional, "Yeah, I feel sorry for the girl so much... Nine months with Elena? I'd kill myself, personally. And I didn't want to tell her, but parmesan is not a spice."

“Hey, guys, come hither,” Arthur shouts. The other members of the team walk towards him, and he leads them to a tiny roadside shack with boarded-up windows and a small sign on the door. However, the light inside seems to be on. “It says ‘we sell Halloween candy.' Hmm, perfect. Let’s go in.”

“Uh, I don’t know, Art. This place looks kinda sketchy, you know?” Kavren responds. “I think we should stick to getting candy by... other means.”

“Who gives a flying fladoodle if it’s sketchy? We have to freaking win the challenge!” Wolfgang grunts. “Let’s go in.” He kicks the door open, and sees the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits already inside, sitting on a gigantic mound of candy.

“Sup?” Trick says coolly.

“Hey, these vile villains took our candy!” Nic yells. “We must challenge you, you guys know that, right?”

“Ew, no. I hate doing things,” Layla mutters. “If you wanna take candy, you have to speak of the creepy idiot who runs this place, anyway. We had to answer pointless trivia for a half hour to get all this crap.”

“But who runs this place?” Veronica asks.

“Oh, we kind of, uh, got rid of him,” Tolkien says, trying to hold back laughter. “Not my idea, I swear!”

Tolkien is interrupted by a gigantic sack that seems to have a human in it falling from the ceiling.

“Ugh, there he is,” Helga says. “I got tired of hearing him speak.”

Puck walks up to the person, and removes the sack. “NYARGLEBARGLE!” yells Smoothie Guy, brushing dust off of him. “What’s up, noodles-in-cups? Ugh, more people here to steal my candy? You know, I bought this for myself, since whenever I try to go trick-or-treating with the nice kiddos in my neighborhood, the parents get all angry and call me dirty names.”

“Rightfully so,” Chelsey scoffs. “Dude, after all that crap you did in TDRev, I don’t blame them.”

“TDREV?! Oh, wow, some of you guys are from there! I didn’t realize that. Hmm, is anyone who I despise here...” Smoothie Guy scans the group of people, and sees Kavren. “...You.”

“Hey, pipsnip!” Kavren says. “Now, what do we gotta do to win some candy?”

“I don’t even like candy...” says Trey gloomily.

“You don’t like anything,” scoffs Arthur.

“OK, here’s the dealio. Since I’m really tired of making up a bunch of BS trivia, I’ll force you guys to do some other challenge, like wrestle each other or something. No, I got it. Dance-off! Winner gets all the candy!” says Smoothie Guy.

“Whaaaaat?” says Puck. “I have no idea how to dance!”

“So what? That makes things fun. Now, let’s just do one from each team, because this will otherwise take forever. Okay, who’s gonna be the victim-- I mean, volunteer, for Kavren’s team? OK, Flora will do it. Perfect, thanks for volunteering,” Smoothie Guy says rapidly.

“What? I didn’t...” protests Flora, but Smoothie Guy grabs her and pulls her to the center. “Uh, okay.”

“And, for the Citrus Fruits... Hmm. Let’s make this as rigged as possible,” Smoothie Guy whispers to himself. He then pipes up. “I got it! Since Devin is good at dancing, you’ll have Alex representing your team!”

“Ugh, seriously?” Estrella complains. “I have to wake him up, I guess.” She points to Alex, who is snoring on the ground. “Wake up!”

“Blehhh... I feel like dog turds...” Alex wakes up, and has gigantic bags under his eyes, even bigger than usual. “I’m really falling behind on the sleep, guys. These challenges are taking a lot outta me.”

“Well then, you’ll LOVE this!” Smoothie Guy yells in Alex’s ear. Alex whimpers and shakes his head. “So, Alex and Flora, get on the platform thingy and press the thingamajig to make the whatchamacallit move...”

“What?” Flora says. “I don’t get it. Frowny-face.”

Flora and Alex get up and walk onto the dance platforms. Smoothie Guy brings out a boombox, plugs it into the wall, and turns on a dubstep song. “Go, @#$%-holes!” he yells. “Alex, you first.”

Alex, who is having trouble just balancing on the platform, makes some pathetic dance moves. He wiggles his fingers around and jumps up and down, and then crumples onto the ground.

Flora goes after him, and she does the splits, while doing many jumping-jacks and clapping her hands. She then does a horse-riding dance, and does a cartwheel on the platform, landing on the ground.

“Hrmmmmm...” Smoothie Guy says. “Well, you know, Alex’s moves were very... I’d say creative. I love how he was simulating the appearance of a drunken teenager. Nice job, Alex, but Flora has beaten you. Her moves... I didn’t know a human being was capable of that crap. But since Alex was so close, you guys each get half of my candy. KK, now take it and GTFO.”

“Wait, but then we’ll be tied!” Julia shouts. “Smoothie Dude, you’re an unfair little--”

“Come on, Julia,” Chrissy says coolly. “I think Roz wants to see us. Simmer down, babe.” The Ralphcakes and the Citrus Fruits take their giant sacks of candy and head out of the little shack.

Roz then meets the two teams back in the center of the beach, and greets them happily. “Hai, guys! Soooo, who found the most candy?” she says. “Can’t wait to see another one of you annoying little morons out of here!”

“Well, we both have the exact same amount of candy in our bags, so I don’t know. You tell me,” grunts Helga.

“No, no, no, that’s wrong, gurlie, I gave the Ralphcakes a Footsie Roll, remember?” Roz explains. “Hehe, I guess it was good for somethin’!”

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhh,” says Puck. “Wait! Does that mean we win? Super-cool! Wolfie, we won!” Puck hugs Wolfgang, who knees him in the groin.

“Yep! The Ralphcakes win for a third time, keeping the cool cabin and also not having to send anyone to the elimination ceremony tonight! I added some things to the cabin, too, so you guys will love that. Hehe. Citrus Fruits... You guys have to go to elimination... Again. How cool is that? I’ll see you there tonight,” Roz says.

“What are we supposed to do with these crappy costumes? I can’t wait to take this thing off,” Layla growls.

“Ohhhh, just keep ‘em. Nice little souvenir for you guys to take home, mkay?” says Roz. “I’m sure you guys wanna see these things and be reminded of me... Hehehe.”

The Ralphcakes walk back to their cabin while triumphant music plays, and they open the door, seeing that there’s an extra story in the cabin, and an elevator. Everyone gasps and rushes in.

“How cool is this?” Arthur says. “We have avoided elimination for like six days. We’re ballin’...” He looks at his watch, and it says... 6:30. “Speaking of ballin’, if you are a male, your balls will figuratively grow by a substantial amount if you talk to women regularly while going through puberty. It is a known stress reliever.”

Chelsey says in the confessional, “OK. Normal Arthur is pretty mild-mannered and can be weird sometimes, but Puber T has to go. He’s disgusting. Heck, I would even align with Elena to take him out... Wait. What am I saying. I would never align with Elena on anything. She’s disgusting. Plus, we don’t even have to go to elimination. What am I worrying about? Ha. Just calm down, Chelsey... You’re fine.”

Meanwhile, the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits are moping around by the beach. Trick walks up to Alex and Devin.

“Okay, guys. You two are going to definitely be targeted today, because neither of you were good in the challenge, and you’re both annoying,” Trick whispers. “If you guys want, we can have an alliance, and eliminate some random person to save you. Cause I’m totally worried about myself also, since everyone hates me from TDRev. But, if you guys don’t prove to me that you can do stuff, I’ll make sure one of you is gone next.”

“Hmm? Targeted? Why be dat, G? I is in th’ thinkin’ dat dem peeps in ou’ team be lovin’ me!” Devin says in shock.

“No, Devin. Let’s be real here. You’re obnoxious, and I’m lazy. I understand why we’re outsiders,” says Alex, placing his hand on Devin’s shoulder.

“Meh. I guess, foo’. I be thinkin’ dat we’s either target Layla o’ Tolky. Layla be snobby ‘n mean, an’ Tolky’s weird aroun’ Roz, yo,” Devin explains.

“Tolkien is really weird, now that I think about it. He’s always snuggling with me and stuff, and he isn’t even really a superstar. I’m voting for him, hope you guys join me,” Trick says.

“Oh, hey, guys,” Helga says, walking up to the guys with Estrella, Julia, and Chrissy. “Who are we voting? I’m fine with anyone.”

Helga says in the confessional, “I despise everyone here except Estrella, Chrissy, and sometimes Julia. It’s just a matter of who I despise more than others. Layla is an idiot, but she’s been quieting down lately, and she had to have done stuff if she won last season.”

“Yeah, well, I hate everyone too. Especially those worthless knobs who hate 1E. Hey, why don’t we vote for Alex?!” Julia says.

“Hi, I’m right here,” Alex says, looking pissed off.

“Um, Julia, I kind of have a deal with them that if they prove their worth in challenges, we can keep them. So, I’m not voting them tonight,” Trick says.

Julia says in the confessional, “When was HE elected team leader? I hate that guy! He was a total jerk in TDRev, and I’m surprised he’s even here. Devin would be a better leader than him!”

Alex says in the confessional, “Okay, Trick is totally treating me and Devin like we’re five year olds. Seriously, dude. We’ve been in two seasons, he’s been in one. He hasn’t even made the merge. Ugh, what a tool.”

Tolkien walks up to Trick. “Hey, are we voting Layla?” he asks.

Trick stares at him for a moment. “Uh...” he says, looking nervous. “Yeah. Layla’s who it is.”

“Someone, scrub my feet!” yells a voice from the camp. “Being outside in the wilderness sucks! Come on, hurry up!”

“Yeah, we’re gonna vote Layla,” Trick says. “Dude, I’ll make sure you don’t leave. Trust me.”

Roz is shown with the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits at elimination. “Hello, everyone!” she yells.

“Hey, Roz!” cheers Tolkien.

“Uh, yep. Mkay, ready for elimination? This is you guys’ THIRD time in a row. Better step it up, or you’ll become Tiki’d! Heh. Okay, sooo, the first seashell goes to Trick,” says Roz. Trick catches his seashell.

“Julia, Chrissy, Helga and Estrella!” says Roz, and the four catch their seashells.

“Aaaaand Devin, and Alex,” Roz says. The two of them breathe a sigh of relief as they catch their seashells.

“Tolky ‘n’ Layla. Two Tokyo peeps, huh? Aww. I thought we had a good cast. Anyway, the final seashell goes to...”

“Layla. Tolky, it’s time for you to go.”

“Wut?” says Tolkien. After he recovers from the initial shock, he says, “I guess you guys just picked someone random to vote out. No, I’m not mad. It wasn’t long, but I had a good time with you guys.”

“Aww, little guy, me too,” Helga says sappily. “...Not. Get out of here.”

“Ugh, okay...” Tolkien says. “Roz, I guess this is it, huh? Won’t be seeing you for a while.”

“D’awwwww,” Roz says, her eyes starting to tear up. “Tolky. It was hard last time, it’s super hard this time. You know, Ari likes you. I think you and her would get along nice, ehhh?” She winks.

“Yeah, I guess...” Tolkien says. “Well, bye, Trick. I’m like 99% sure that you voted for me, but I think of you as a friend. Just wanted to let you know that. Okay, see you, everyone! Kick some butt.”

Tolkien walks to the Boat of Losers, and gets in, waving to everyone. The boat chugs away into the sunset.

“D-colon!” yells Roz. “That was saaaad! Anyway, who will win next time? Will the Citrus Fruits lose for a fourth time and become the second incarnation of the Terrible Tikis? Will our invisible contestants get a chance to speak? Will Arthur, Chelsey, and Puck stop hogging all the spotlight? Probably not. Find out next time on Total... Drama... Superstar Showdown!”

Chapter 5 - Poetry Smackdown Raw 2013

"Previously on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown, a lot of weird interactions happened!" Roz says, doing the recap. "Devin decided to not only prance around in his underwear, but he also had a weird sack with a bunch of personal items in it. Don't ask me, I have no idea. Anyway, I really don't like recaps, so please enjoy this picture of a hamster eating a banana." A picture of a hamster eating a banana pops up. After a few minutes, Roz talks again. "Oh, yeah. I completely forgot. Tolkien was eliminated, which is the saddest thing ever for me. Cri-cri-cri! Tolky was a great kid, you know? All right, I'm done, now let's just see the people in their cabins. Who will win, who will lose, blah blah blah. Don't you guys get tired of hearin' this stuff?"

The Hopalong Ralphcakes are shown in their cabin, where Arthur is wreaking havoc... as usual.

"Hey, man," Arthur yells into his cell phone. "Is this Todd? This is Harry Richards speaking." An unidentifiable noise is heard from the other side. "Don't rustle my jimmies, man. I know you are Todd. Now, give me the cornbread or bad things will happen." There's a loud crash heard from the other side. "Todd, I'm not playing around. You divorced me and forced me to live with your dysfunctional, 96-year-old grandmother who leaves her teeth sitting around on the kitchen table. You took my money as well. I need that money back, Todd. I'm completely serious."

"Lolwut?" Chelsey says.

Chelsey says in the confessional, "OK, I don't even know what Arthur's talking about anymore. The guy is probably all hopped up on drugs 95% of the time. But hey, I'm not complaining. We've won like 3 times."

"Hey, hey, Arthur," Kavren says, elbowing Arthur while Arthur's on the phone. "Let's go pull a prank on Elena." Arthur completely ignores Kavren. "Aw, come on, dude. It will be fun. We can pour slime on her or whatever." Kavren continues to bother Arthur, as the camera moves to Puck and Nic, who are playing air hockey.

"Hey, man, you should really be better at this than you actually are," Nic says, as he beats Puck for the umpteenth time. "You are named Puck, and you claim to be awesome at hockey."

Puck begins to sweat. "No, dude, I mean, not air hockey! Ice hockey is where it's at!" he says. "You can even ask Wolfie! He knows about my fantastic skills in hockey."

"If 'fantastic' means 'I-want-to-stab-myself-with-a-ruler-whenever-I-see-you-play,' then yep, you're certainly fantastic," says a growly voice from the corner.

Puck says in the confessional, "Wolfie is just a hater. We're definitely friends. He just... doesn't appreciate my panache. That's okay, true friends can admit each other's faults!"

"Where's Trey?" Kavren asks. "I feel like we haven't been bothering him as much lately, d00d."

"Oh, he's in the bathroom, having Montezuma's Revenge," Arthur responds. "Karma sure is a no good, selfish, heartless, pushy, bossy, mean bully of a girl."

The toilet flushes, and Trey mopes out of the bathroom. "Hey, speak of the devil," Kavren says.

"...Now you're calling me the devil?" Trey says quietly. "God, you guys are such tools..."

Elena is shown in the confessional. "You know, part of me is actually really sad for Trey. He's obviously the first one gone if we lose, and even though I'm way too good for him, I think he could get a girlfriend. You know, if she was blind. And deaf. And looked like a cow." She pauses. "...You know what? I hate Trey. Screw him."

Chelsey walks up to Elena, who's upstairs. "Hey." Elena looks at Chelsey and scowls. "...What are you doing? Wanna leave? Thaaaanks."

"No. We need to talk," Chelsey says. "I'm getting tired of these Cro-Magnons on our team. Do you mind... doing what I say, so we can get rid of these losahs? Like, maybe if they were semi-popular we could keep them. But they all have absolutely NO PP."

Elena grins widely at Chelsey. "I don't care," she says, while still smiling. "No, but really, there's something wrong with everyone here. Arthur is fat and ugly, Kavren looks like a weasel, and Trey used to be really orange. And that's just the first three. Anyway, where are the boring girls?"

"Probably off somewhere, being boring," Chelsey says. "It's not like they... Wait. Why am I talking to you? I hate you. Forget you. Go home. Goodbye." Chelsey stomps out of Elena's room.

Flora, MacKenzie, and Veronica are shown, sleeping. The camera then moves to the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits' tents, where Julia is awake and doesn't seem to be happy.

"Ew, Chrissy, I am so freaking hot right now. I am PISSED. You wanna know why? I finally decided to get an email so my mother can 'monitor' me, and some @#$%! took the username I was gonna use, 'Larryfashionluvr69.' I now have to go with my second choice. I have to add another 69! You know, I think I'm gonna go take my anger out. This is too much," Julia yells.

"Oh, whatever are you gonna do now," Helga says, off-screen. "It's not like you have a million dollars or something. Poor you."

"Shut it, Helga, go back to fangasming over Deadward Sullen," Julia snarls.

"Ew, I don't even like that series," Helga says, while reading a book called The Adventures of Puckleberry Jake. "And I thought you enjoyed me as a person."

Helga says in the confessional, "I'm really starting to question whether this is even the same Julia as the one I knew back in Tiki. Meh, at least she's sharing my same mindset. You know, I always loved her, she's just so... grumpy. Great minds think alike."

Trick is shown, sitting on the ground. Alex, who's lying down next to him, says, "You're a douchenugget, you know that?"

"Did-- what? Dude?" Trick stutters. "I'm just trying to play the game, man. I thought we had agreed that Tolkien was the one to go."

"But, you know, he really liked Roz. I don't know, maybe he's attracted to those psycho chicks. I don't like that, man. I prefer calm girls," Alex says. He stares out into space, noticing what he's just said.

"Yeah, he really liked Roz, whatever. A couple is really dangerous in a game like this," Trick says.

"...She's not even competing," Alex responds. "Dude, can we just try not to lose anymore so we don't have to get into these dumb and pointless arguments?"

"Yo, dawgs, whassup? I peep you gots some funk game talkin' goin' on. I ain't talkin' bout chicken n' gravy, dawg. Mind if tha Devsta joins?" Devin swaggers into the room. "Y'see, I be jammin' to Brick Boss lately, but he be so obese that I be tired of seein' his moobies jiggle, yo. So I decided t' chill down here, man. I even had some makin' m' new dubstep! Wanna check it out? Be pretty fly, yo." He presses a button on his uPod, and metallic-sounding screeches emanate from it.

"That's. Not. Music," says a snide voice from off-screen.

"Yeah, you guys wanna hear some real music?" Julia says, walking in. "Listen to 1E. Even Dustin freaking Nutria isn't THAT bad. Leeyum said in an interview that he wanted to do a collaboration with Dustin! ISN'T THAT SO EXCITING?!"

"You know what would be exciting?" yells Layla. "If one of you could get me a latte. K? Thaaaanks. And if you don't, uh... Remember when I made Charles do push-ups? Yep. You guys better have some big abs."

"Well, uh, Nic isn't here, so you're out of luck," Helga says sarcastically. "But seriously, guys. We HAVE to win. Do you want to become the Terrible Tikis 2.0? I don't think so."

"Winnin' ain't everythin', señorita. Ya jus' got'sta be chill 'n do whateva' ya can in th' challenge, and it don't matter whetha' we win o' lose," Devin says.

"Yep. We said that the first few times we lost back in Tiki Jungle. LOOK WHAT HAPPENED," snaps Julia.

Layla says in the confessional, "You know, I don't need these losers to do stuff for me. I can get a butler somewhere else. All right, here I go." She clears her throat. "Pick me to take care of, because I'm pretty, nice, and not very demanding! I'll also give you free food! ...Which may or may not have been already eaten. Pshaw, whatever."

"Uh, Julia? You're kinda exaggerating. Especially since the Tikis still had three people by the merge, and we started losing people thanks to..." says Chrissy. "Trey. Ugh, I hate that guy."

There's a rustling in the bushes. Then, Roz bursts out from the brush. "Hai, hai!" she says. "Anyway, time for the challenge and stuff. Meet me in front of the wherever. This is gonna be goooood." She leaves.

Sure enough, the contestants gather in front of Roz, somewhere on the beach. "Hey, 'sup, guys?" she says. "Today's challenge is brought to you by the amazing... Chappy! Hehe."

"This can't be good..." mutters Alex.

"Soooo, he texted me last night - yes, he can use a phone - and was like 'do the contestants like poetry'? Now, I didn't know the answer to that Q, so I decided to force you guys to like it! Isn't that cool?!" Nobody says anything. "Anyway, before we get to the challenge, I got somethin' I wanna do. Everyone, take a rock out of this bag. DO NOT LOOK." Roz walks around with a bag, and the contestants all reach in and grab a rock.

"Hmm. This rock is quite hard. That is already one thing it doesn't have in common with my peanuts," Arthur says, examining the texture of the rock in his hands.

"Art! Don't look!" snaps Roz. "All right, you guys can look in 1... 2... 3!" The contestants open their palms. Most of them have generic-looking rocks, but a few are colored. "All right, here's the dealio. If you're a Ralphcake and your rock is painted yellow, you're being switched to the Citrus Fruits, and if you're a Citrus Fruit and your rock is painted red, you're gonna go over to the Ralphcakes! Don't you guys just love team swaps?"

"Ooh, my paint is rocked yellow," Nic says. "Uh, I mean... Yes. You get it." He walks over to the Citrus Fruits, and sees Chrissy. "Senorita. It's been a while, my dear." Chrissy rolls her eyes.

"Mine's yellow too," Veronica says, as she walks over to the Citrus Fruits and waves to everyone. Layla grins smugly.

Julia and Helga hold up red rocks, and walk over to the Ralphcakes, with a look of horror on their faces.

Julia says in the confessional, "Just when I thought things couldn't get any more suck-tacular... They did. That little jerk, Arthur, is on our team. Now, you know that I harbor a DEEP animosity towards Arthur. We gotta vote him out as soon as we can, so I don't have to hear about his morbid obesity and his loose peanuts. Urgh."

"Soooo, there ya guys have it. Julia and Helga are now on the Ralphycakes, and Veronica and Nic are now on the Shi-- I mean, Citrus Fruits! Now, follow me, if you please, and we can get to the challenge," Roz says, and she begins to walk away.

"Ew, Julia," Elena says while walking. "What in the world did you do to your hair? It was sooo precious when it was red. Ugh, you're fugly now. I bet not even Nile would like you."

"Nile? The Nile River? What kind of parents would name their kid after a river? It's exactly like if I named my child Mississippi," Arthur says. "...Although, that's my cousin's name, so it would be strange."

"Lolz, Arthur," Kavren chuckles. "Is that Uncle Stanley's kid? You know, the guy who sits on the couch and resembles a watermelon?" Julia slaps her forehead.

"Yes, and Aunt Edna, whose bowels frequently act up," Arthur says. "We had dinner at her house once. Prune soup."

"Oh, yep, that was the night with that one incident with the refrigerator!" Kavren says, remembering. "There was some pretty weird stuff in there, y'know."

"Don't worry," whispers MacKenzie to Helga. "Nobody likes them, obviously. The only reason Arthur's here is because his... girth can help us in challenges."

"His girth? Isn't he 100% flab?" Helga says dryly. "I don't think I could ever imagine Arthur going to the gym."

"Oh, you know what?" Chelsey says, jotting things down in her notepad. "I actually think Arthur could gain some PP from going to the gym, you know? There are tons of douches there. Hot douches, but still douches. The ones with snapbacks and tattoos. Arthur could fit in easily, and he;d be up the popularity chain in no time. It's easy."

"I used to go to the gym..." mutters Trey. "Before everything changed... My life is like a fart..."

"Hey, moron, get your own phrase," Wolfgang growls at Trey, while passing by.

Roz arrives at the destination for the challenge. "Heyyy, guys, we're here!" Roz says. The place is small, black, and looks to be made of bricks. It says 'Red's Coffee & Poetry Hangout.' Roz giggles. "I'm getting excited already! All righty, guys, let's go in."

The door creaks open, and the inside contains tons and tons of hipsters, just sitting there, checking Tumblr, and listening to obscure bands on their reel-to-reel radios. There are also a few creepy old men, but it's mostly hipsters. A small girl with gigantic (albeit half-closed) eyes, long brown hair, and a skirt comes walking up to Roz.

"Hello, Roz," she says. Her name tag says something, but it's too hard to make out.

"Wait. Whoa. That can't be. Nuh-uh," Chelsey is at a loss for words. "...Lizza?"

"Hello, Chelsey," she says. She walks away, and to the cash register. "I am the cashier at this place. After Revolution, I decided that I should take things quite easier. So, I stopped with the Mountain Fizz, and I now work at this coffee place."

"Wow, I never noticed how big your boo--" Kavren begins, but Arthur elbows him in the stomach.

"But yes, you guys will be in the back room," Lizza explains. "Also, call me Elizabeth. I find it to be less childish. Red will be waiting for you."

Roz jumps and down gleefully. "EEEE! All righty, guys, we can't wait any longer! Let's goooo!"

Roz leads the contestants into the back room, where a seedy-looking guy wearing a baseball cap, a collared shirt over a graphic tee, and khakis is sitting. "What's the opposite of down?" he mutters.

"RED! Heart-heart-heart!" Roz squeals. She runs over to the guy and kisses him on the cheek. "Hel-loooo!" She then notices that the contestants are right there.

"Uh, you know, we can see all your nasty PDA, right?" Layla grunts. "What happened to that Chaz moron? Weren't you dating him?"

“And what about Tolkien?” asks MacKenzie. 

"Oh, Chaz and I broke up. He's a tool. And Tolky... uh... Yeah, Red’s just a pal. He shouldn’t get jelly or anything," says Roz. "Anyway, Red is my... uh, cousin! Yeah. He lives in Maine, so I almost never get to see him.”

"So, uh..." Red says quietly. "Can we get to the challenge? You wanna explain, ba-- I mean, Roz?"

"You know, maybe it’s good that Tolkien was eliminated..." mutters Alex.

"All righty! Today, you'll be treated to a short poetry showdown between two hipsters, and then you guys gotta basically do a poetry slam thing, being judged by the hipsters, who are experts on poetry... of course. Got it? Kay-kay. Red, bring out th' boys," Roz explains.

"Here we go!" Red says, surprisingly enthusiastically. "First up, it's reigning Coffee Shop Poetry Showdown champion, Hippocrates 'Hippo' Smith."

An obese man with a gigantic ginger beard, a lumberjack shirt, a beanie, coffee-stained jeans, and glasses steps out. "Greetings," he says. "Today I'll be performing 'The Life Of A Reject.'"

"That sounds like my life..." Trey mutters.

"Oh, wow, mine too!" Flora says.

"I sit in the dark... The darkness overwhelms my soul. Nobody likes me... I have no power or control. At my school, they think I'm fat... And ugly as well. You know, my life... It's just like hell. I don't know who I want to be, I don't know why they always tease me. Bad things happen, yes, I know. But does it really make me grow? I feel numb most of the time. I'm running out of things to rhyme. Yes, that's my life, always running out of rhymes. People throw turkey sandwiches at me... all the time," he says.

"Oh, turkey sandwiches! I got those thrown at me by my good buddy Wolfie!" says Puck. "But, I think he was just trying to be a chill dude and supply me with food. Right, Wolfie? You're such a good friend."

Wolfgang looks at Helga, who makes a fake gagging noise, and Wolfgang chuckles.

"Staaaaaahp talking," whines Hippo. "Uh, actually, I'm done." He walks off the stage.

"Hell breezy," raps Devin. 

"Okay, then..." says Red quietly, as he goes back onto the stage. "Will Hippo keep the crown? Here's his competition. Please welcome Steve "Polonium" Johnson!"

A really skinny, tall guy with a hairdo that nobody else in the world most likely has comes out. He's wearing a shirt depicting an obscure rock band, is wearing non-prescription glasses, smoking a hand-rolled cigarette, and has no shoes.

"Hi," he says. "My poem today is called Smoking Pot."

"Oh-em-eff-goddess," Elena shrieks. "Are these poems intruding into our personal lives or something?"

"What?! You smoke pot?! Wolfie says that people who do that drop out of high school, never go to college, and usually die alone!" Puck says. Wolfgang rolls his eyes.

Polonium clears his throat. "Let's go," he says. "I walk outside my room. I go downstairs, and hear a shriek. I have forgotten something large, and my girlfriend who is named Marge... will get mad at me. Sadly, I must go pee. Although, when I come out, I hear the oven shout. The pot is overflowing, and I am this close to going... outside of my house, just like a dead mouse. I stop the smoking pot, and burn my hands and shout. I take the mac and cheese... out, and start to wheeze. It tastes like the bee's knees. Can you have some? Oh, please." The hipsters from outside are shown clapping as Polonium exits the stage.

"...What was the point of that whole spiel?" Helga inquires.

"There was none!" Roz says. "Except for the fact that YOU guys will be doing it now! All righty, judges. Who do you think won that round?"

"Is this really necessary?" whines Alex. "I wanna sleeeeep."

Polonium stands at the stage, looking angry. "Well, if you guys don't appreciate true art, then I guess you can just go!" he whines.

"Yeah, uh, if you complain, you gotta sit out of th' challenge," Roz pouts. "Sorry."

"Don't I always complain..." Trey mutters. "Maybe that's why everyone hates me... I wouldn't be surprised..."

"I don't hate you, Trey," Chelsey says sympathetically. "...Just kidding. I do. I'm not even gonna waste my time on your PP, you're such a scumbag that it's not worth my time."

"All right, here we go, who wants me to pick and who wants Red to pick?" Roz says.

"Is death an option?" Estrella says quietly.

"Was that really needed, Strelly?" shrieks Roz. "Out of the challenge. Baaaai, sit over there on the Bench of Losers."

"I might as well go ove--" Trey begins.

"SHUT UP!" yells Julia, before he can finish.

"Fine. Red can pick. Ugh, you guys take the piss out of me," mutters Roz. "All righty, Reddy baby. You gotta pick the battlers."

"Uh, okay," Red says apprehensively. "Fat dude on the red team versus the blonde guy on the other team. I don't know your names, sorry."

"My name is Gertrude Flabberman," Arthur says. "Hello, Trick. I am going to roast you."

"Ooh, awesome, I'll go get the steaks!" Kavren says happily.

"Uh... go," Red says unenthusiastically. He then resumes making out with Roz, and the others look on in disgust.

"Oh, something I forgot to mention!" Roz says. "You guys gotta pick the same topic, and alternate back and forth or whatevs."

"Ugh. That's not true poetry slamming! You spit on the true artful form of it!" yells Hippocrates.

Polonium nods his head in agreement. "Not cool, man."

"Just... go. So we can get this challenge over with," grumbles Roz.  

Red nods his head. "Your theme is bikinis. Go!"

"Bikinis. They are on the bottom. Bottom's not on top. Top of my head, I find things that may or may not be dead. My skinny little cousin is named Fred. Fred's leg always hurts, and I have a Puber T shirt," Arthur begins.

"Bikinis. You know. Males go to beaches, in their desperate ways. Always looking for a woman, you see. They don't think they can use their personality... After all, I got Camm-ee, and I didn't wear a bikiniii," Trick says.

"To be honest, Cammy is not hot. I would rather take Chelsey, even though I do not have a shot. Cammy's nose is big, and her personality is that of a pig. All she did was cry all day, and it made me want to slay... Myself. Kavren's ears resemble those of an elf," Arthur says.

"Well, maybe she cried, but did you ever stop to think that her true personality lies inside? Beauty's in the heart, you old fart. Now, your poetry is crap, but mine is a form of art," Trick finishes.

"Blehhhh. You guys are mediocre at poetry," Roz says. "But, since Trick is douchey, Arthur wins! The Ralphies are leading, 1-0. KK. Hmm... Let's see who's next. Since Red is asleep, I think," she glances at Red, who's snoring, "Alex versus Julia!"

"Wait, but we're on the same t..." Alex says. "Wait. Never mind. Muh, can I volunteer Devin? He's good at rapping, I imagine he'd be good at poetry."

"Actually, dawg, I don't be likin' poetry. Too much words, yo," Devin says. "That Dev don't unda'stand."

"Uh, sorry, dude. Roz said that Alex would go, so Alex has to go," Red says.

Kavren is shown talking to Lizza, who's walking around. "Hey! Lizz! Mind getting me some bubble tea? It makes my stomach all bloopy."

"Coming right up, sir," Lizza says calmly.

"Oh, hey, annoying caffeine chick. Grab me a slab of bologna if you've got it. Unless you're one of those crappy bars that only sells alcohol," Layla scoffs.

"No, we do not even sell alcohol. We're a coffee shop," Lizza says. "Would you like me to get you a baguette instead?"

"No, I want some dung with parsley on it," says Layla rudely. "Of course I want a baguette. Chop-chop."

“All right, but you will have to pay money for it,” Lizza says. “We don’t just give people things freely.”

While Layla and Lizza continue bickering, Julia clears her throat. “Uh, Roz?! Shouldn’t we... I dunno, be doing the challenge?” she says angrily.

“Talk to Red, not me. I’m trying to get this hangnail off,” Roz says nonchalantly, picking at her finger.

“Uh? What?” Red says, taking off his Beets by Dray. “Fine. Let’s just do it. Devin versus Julia. Go.”

“Yo, Juli-Juli-G, you ain’t no playa! When you had shawt ‘n red hair, you be so much hotta’! Now you’s obsessed wit’ One Erection, yo! But no other dudes be likin’ you, yuh a’ready knooooe!” raps Devin.

“Shut up, Devin. Your long hair is ugly. And your taste is really bad if you think 1E is... fugly. Your sagging pants don’t make you look cool, they make you look like a fool,” Julia yells.

“It is quite odd that both of Roz’s significant others have appeared only in challenge that involve spoken word,” Arthur mutters.

“Dude, I’m her cousin, man,” Red says peevishly.

“Yes, and I am Theodore Roosevelt,” Arthur says. His watch then rings. “No, I am actually... Puber T.”

“Ugh, SERIOUSLY?!” yells Julia, in the middle of her rap against Devin. “Red, I know we’re on the same team, but I gotta roast this noob.”

“Julia. Simmer down,” Helga tries to reassure her. “You can take your anger at Arthur out later by sending explicit emails to him online.”

Roz clears her throat. “OK, so since Red and I have to get mass-- I mean, we’re kinda pressed on time, the Citrus Fruities get a point and we’re gonna get into a tiebreaker. Any volunteers? You’ll get this free lollipop!” Roz pulls out a lollipop shaped like her head.

“Yes. Indeed. I shall rap for the Citrus Fruits. My rap skills are unma-a-a-atched,” Nic says in autotune.

“Hey, can I go for you guys?” Flora says. “I think I can--”

“No,” Elena says rudely, interrupting her.

“Come ON. It’s not like you’d be any better,” Chelsey says. “That is, if your rap skills are as good as the type of clothes you wear.”

“OHHHHHHH!” yells Puck obnoxiously. Wolfgang slaps his forehead.

“No... Guys... Just give her a chance... It’s not like we have anything to lose... I’ll just be the first one voted out of the team...” Trey mutters.

“Oh,” Flora giggles uncomfortably. “Thanks, Trey. I think? Okay, Roz, I’ll go against Nic!”

“Cool,” Red says unenthusiastically. After five seconds, he says, “What are you waiting for? Go.”

“Are you ready for a beating? I am the greatest villain,” Nic says, while flexing his muscles. “Bring it on, little girl! I will just be sitting here chillin’. Your raps are not good, in fact I can’t even hear them. You have a Pokemon shirt, and absolutely no skill. I rap like Three Blingz, and my flow is quite ill.”

“Nic, you were on our team, but you left and now you’re history. If you paid attention, you’d know that it’s not rapping, it’s poetry,” says Flora sweetly. “It’s cute that you think you’re a villain, when you’re not intimidating at all. If you want, we can go shopping one day at the mall. I’m done.”

“Wow, that actually wasn’t that ba--” Elena begins. “I mean, ew. That was AWFUL. Flora, you’re done.”

“I thought she did pretty good,” shrugs MacKenzie.

“Did pretty well,” corrects Helga.

“Of course,” Arthur says. “It is a common trope. The underdog proves herself after beating another in a battle, and wins for the team.”

“Who said she won?” Red says. After a pause, he says, “Just kidding. She obviously won. So, uh, Ralphcakes, you guys win again. Other team, once again, you’re gonna vote some dude out. Peace.”

Red and Roz leave the building. Lizza comes in, with a gigantic bill. “This is for all the food that Layla ate.”

The team glares at Layla. “What?!” she yells angrily. “I get special privileges, obviously.”

The Hopalong Ralphcakes come back to their cabin, happy to win once again.

“So this is your crib, huh? Nice place. I’m surprised,” Julia says, surprisingly happily.

“Ew, it smells like--” Helga begins.

“Body odor and Arthur’s anus? Yep, that’s about all I ever smell,” interrupts Wolfgang, and Helga smiles at him.

“My anus? It is not my anus, unless my anus somehow got up and walked around and spread its smell all over the place,” Arthur explains.

“Bluhhhh,” Wolfgang says. “I’m gonna go crash. Nighty.” He falls asleep on the couch and starts combing his hair in his sleep.

Puck walks up to the sleeping Wolfgang, and pours a bucket of ice-cold water on his head.

“LRVRTCSUKRV!” yells Wolfgang, waking up with his hair completely drenched. “You blockhead! What did you do that for?!”

“Oh, uh, I had something to tell ya, Wolfie! Didn’t want to disrupt your naptime,” Puck explains.

“Disrupt? DISRUPT? You basically took my naptime, fed it poisoned food, shot it twice in the chest, tied it up and threw it into a river!” Wolfgang yells. “Now, WHAT did you possibly want to ask me?”

“Oh! I just wanted to tell you there was a fly buzzing around your face. It’s gone now, bro. Don’t worry!” Puck says happily.

Wolfgang’s face turns red as he blows smoke out of his ears and makes a noise resembling that of a locomotive.

Chelsey is watching Nebraska Shore, and Elena walks up next to her. “Ugh. What do you want?” Chelsey says.

“Is my makeup dripping? I feel sweaty,” Elena whines.

“Ugh, Elena. You have to understand that I don’t like you. I know we had that little talk earlier, but that doesn’t mean I respect you any more than I did. I just... don’t think you’re as awful of a person than I did,” Chelsey says.

“People think I’m an awful person...” says a voice from the corner. “I’ve gotten used to it.”

“Okay, fine. Here’s all I want. Girls’ alliance with you, Julia, and Helga,” Elena says.

“I thought you hated them and thought they weren’t popular,” Chelsey says. “They aren’t, but still.”

“I do hate them. But you have to admit, they’re waaay more popular than Arthur and those morons,” Elena says. “I don’t even like being in the same ROOM as them.”

“Neither do I,” Chelsey says, she then pauses. “You know, you’re actually onto something. I’ll get back to you on that.” She scoffs, then takes out her phone and begins texting.

Back at the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits’ gathering of tents in the grass, Devin puts his pants up to dry. “Yo, dawgs, I got some bling in m’ pants, so don’t be trippin’, kaykay?” he says.

“Ugh. Whatever,” Estrella mutters.

Estrella says in the confessional, “You know, Devin is different than I thought he’d be.” She pauses. “He’s actually worse. Can’t stand the kid. But Alex and Nic are also really, really awful. I’d like to turn any of them into a squid, but I have to go with the team.”

“What are you thinking?” Trick walks up to Estrella.

“God, Trick, I’m not going to talk strategy with you,” Estrella says. “You’ll just backstab me.”

“Backstab?” Trick says, shocked. “I’m not that kind of dude... I don’t think. Estrella, you’re a trustworthy person.”

“Fine. As long as it isn’t me, I’m good,” Estrella says.

“Okay,” Trick says. He looks around to make sure nobody is around. He then whispers, “Vote Veronica.”

“Who?” Estrella asks.

“Veronica,” Trick repeats. “She’s the ginger who came from the other team. She’s a threat, ‘cause she has ties with the Ralphcakes and could easily flip at the merge.”

Estrella scoffs. “Why couldn’t we take out Nic? He’s easily more annoying."

“He’s buff. We need that in challenges,” Trick explains.

“Yep, there’s definitely gonna be a challenge that involves weight lifting,” Estrella says. “But, whatever. If you want to vote Veronica, we can. I’d rather vote Devin, though, but since your girlfriend is the only person in the universe who I don’t abhor, you’re good by default.”

“Thanks,” Trick says. He smiles, then walks away.

“Um, hello?!” Layla is watching a TV show on her uPod. She yells at Veronica, who looks at her. “Mind getting me a protein shake?”

“Uh... Why?” Veronica says, confused.

“My hips are getting big and bulgy,” explains Layla. “See? Now, do it. Stat. I need to look semi-decent if I wanna be on the cover of one of those designer magazines.”

“Oh, okay!” Veronica says. About a minute later, she comes back outside, carrying the protein shake. “Here you go, Layla! But won’t that put meat on your bones instead?”

“Don’t. Question. My methods,” Layla says loudly. “Thanks, sweetheart. Love you.”

Veronica says in the confessional, “You know, Layla is intimidating... But I don’t think that being her Charles is that bad. It easily gives me a chance to go to the final two, because alliances of two are powerful. As long as I do as I am told, I can get far and I’ll win! I’m happy that I have friends. Layla’s nice, just misunderstood.”

Layla says in the confessional, “Heh. That idiot actually thinks I’m going to be nice to her? As if. Did she even watch last season? She’s Charles, minus the sass and... er, wrinkly parts. I’ll dump her soon enough, it’s just funny that she falls for my crap that easily after being played by Amanda in the very first season.”

“Yo, G,” Devin walks up to Trick. “Do me a fava’ an’ don’t vote me out t’night, a’ight?”

“Of course,” Trick says. “We’ve got an alliance, remember? Last time, when we voted out Tolky, we stuck together. I think.”

Alex mutters something on the couch. “I dunno. You’re kinda a snake.”

“A snake, wut? Dis guy be trustworthy,” Devin says reassuringly.

“Yeah. I’m trustworthy. When I want to be,” Trick says.

Devin says in the confessional, “Y’know, I had be usin’ m’ analytical skillz an’ I decided that th’ two main targets fo’ eliminananation is Veronica ‘n me. So, obvi, I be votin’ Ronnie. I ain’t gon’ vote m’self out, yo. That just be stupid.”

Smoothie Guy is shown at the elimination ceremony. “What’s up, @#$%&es? Anyway, your host isn’t here at the moment. Guess who’s replacing her? ME. Okay, so seashells go to... That blonde dude. And the dude with Dustin Nutria hair.”

Trick and Alex catch their seashells, and stare at each other.

“That annoying moron who was a gentleman back in Rev City,” Smoothie Guy says. “The one with black hair.” Devin sighs, and Nic catches his seashell.

“Layla,” Smoothie Guy says. “Of course I know your name, do you think I don’t read the tabloids?”

“WHAT tabloids?!” groans Layla.

“Wait, you’re not dating Lion Forests?” Smoothie Guy says. “Darn it. I was hoping he’d cheat o-- you know what, never mind. Okay, Chrissy, you’re safe too. And Estrella.”

“You know what, I forgot you were here,” says Estrella to Chrissy.

“Being places is too mainstream,” says Chrissy softly.

“Final sush-- I mean, seashell of the night, folks. Devin and... you. I don’t know your name,” Smoothie guy says.

“I’m used to it...” Veronica says.

“The final seashell goes to...”

"The ginger. Ugh, can you tell me your name or something?" Veronica catches her seashell.

"What?!" Devin shrieks. "Dis be rigged, yo. What I even do?"

"I'm sorry, but you got in the way..." Layla says. She then slaps her forehead. "Of stuff. You're just annoying. Bye."

"Whateva, yo!" Devin says. "You dawgs jus' be jelly cuz I be me and I be real! And y'all ain't! K, I'm done." He walks to the Boat of Losers, and makes an obscene gesture with his hands. "Peace."

"That... sure came out of left field, huh?" Chrissy says. "Whatever. I wasn't affected in any way."

Layla and the others walk back to the tents. Smoothie Guy's voice is heard. "Wait, have you at least TALKED to Lion? Ugh, I want to know all the juicy gossip!"

Layla says in the confessional, "All right. I'm not the kind of you-know-what who just takes control of the game and crap, but Devin had to go. It was either him or Veronica, and you know Veronica has to stay in because she's my Charles. It wasn't hard, really. I'll go to the final two with Veronica if I can. And then, I will win. And actually use the money this time."

Roz suddenly appears in front of the Boat of Losers. "Drama!" she says. "Soooo, Dev-meister is finally gone. Who will follow in his footsteps? Will more juicy drama happen with our contestants? Will Tolky have a meltdown? Find out... whenever! Bai!"

Chapter 6 - I Don't Give Two Skits

“Last time on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown, there was an action-packed episode filled with... uh, action! Yep. So, anyway, the Ralphcakes and the Citrus Fruits mixed up some members, when Helga and Julia went to the Ralphcakes and Nic and Veronica went to the Citrus Fruits! They fit in... kinda. Anyway, the challenge happened, and I reunited with my cousin, Red! Yes, he’s my cousin. No, we're not incestuous! What are you talking about?! And so the challenge happened, it was short and really weird. Hipsters told us poems, and we then made poems, but they weren’t really poems, more like crappy freestyle rap. Soooo, the Ralphcakes won. Is that a surprise, really? Nooooopeeee. Devin was voted out, after Layla decided she wanted Veronica to be her new Charles, and decided to eliminate anyone who got in her way! Evil chick, huh? Or just really likes moolah. I sure do, and I hope these guys who are competing do, because... Yep. So, today we’ve got more tricks in store! What will happen? Find out today, on Total... Drama... Superstar Showdown!”

The Citrus Fruits are shown returning from the elimination ceremony. “Night, guys,” Trick says. “I’m gonna go to bed.”

“No, you aren’t,” Layla says rudely. “You’re gonna scrub my fee... Oh, wait, I have Veronica for that. VERONICA! Get over here.”

“I’m going to the bathroom!” says a voice in the woods. “Can you wait like 10 seconds?”

“No! Hold it or something,” Layla says. “Get over here! My feet are crustier than Charles.”

“Ugh, Layla, do you really have to... You know, I’m done trying,” Estrella grunts, reading a book called Death Fairies: The Fairies of Death.

“Hey, that looks like an interesting book, doesn’t it? VERONICA! Read it for me,” Layla yells.

“Layla, I’m sorry,” Veronica finally comes over to them. “What exactly do you want me to do? Scrub your feet or read you that book? Or I could do both...”

“Yes, that would be the best option...” Layla says in a singsong voice.

Alex walks up to them. “Did I hear scrubbing feet? Oh, that sounds really nice right now.” He lies on the ground and takes his shoes off.

Veronica says in the confessional, “Layla is a meanie. I REALLY don’t like her. I take back everything I said about her being just misunderstood, because... it’s not true. She’s just a jerk!”

“Uh, do you guys have Fumblrs?” Chrissy tries to change the topic. “My boyfriend and I made one dedicated to Adolescent Giants. It’s pretty--”

“WAIT!” Nic appears. “Did I hear boyfriend? Oh, my darling, Abby does not approve.”

“Well, uh, if boyfriend can even be used as a word anymore,” Chrissy tries to explain. “We’re kind of casual. Nic, are you jealous?”

Nic tries to cover up his tears. “Nyet!” he says. “I am happy for you and your... boyfriend. No, I am not jealous. I’ll be right back... I must drown in my sorrow for approximately an hour.”

“What’s up with him?” Chrissy says, after Nic has left. “Not that I care, anyway,” she growls.

“You shouldn’t,” Estrella growls. “The kid is a perv. You deserve better. I don’t even like thinking about Julian.”

At the Hopalong Ralphcakes’ dorm, the contestants are chilling out and doing the semi-disturbing things they usually do.

“Hello, Saint Nicholas,” Arthur says, while on his laptop. “I’ve been meaning to ask, what is it like to live life while smelling like gopher brains?”

“Arthur... Leave me alone...” Trey says.

“You know, Art-doodle, maybe we should leave him alone...” Kavren says. He then whispers to Arthur, “And make fun of him behind his back instead. Hehe, hehe, hehe.” The two giggle obnoxiously.

Chelsey stomps out of the girls’ room, followed by Julia. “Will you quit yelling at me?!” Chelsey says. “All I said is that I don’t LISTEN to 1E. I never expressed any sorts of negative feelings about them. Except the Zane guy, he’s ugly. But that’s not the point.”

“Chelsey, it’s a freaking crime,” Julia says. “It’s punishable. Like, one time I took Tasia to their concert, and... I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Ooh, is that the story about the turkey?” Arthur says excitedly.

“ARTHUR, SHUT UP!” yells Julia. “You know nothing.”

“Oh. My. God,” Chelsey says, completely changing the subject and now on her phone. “EMZ is blogging about Snooki. Apparently she’s ENGAGED. To some douchey surfer dude. Ugh, Queen Snooki deserves better.”

“Queen Snooki? Ewwww. She’s so orange,” says Elena. The others look at Elena, and begin to laugh.

Puck is playing Call of Pooty: White Pops 2. “Whoa, dudes, anyone wanna play? This game is so sick! I’m trollin’ some ten year olds!” he yells, while pointing the controller at the TV screen violently.

“I would like to simulate that game in real life, only with a real gun, and with Puck as the target,” mutters a voice from the corner.

“You’re a weirdo, Wolfie!” says Puck, while playing. “But you’ve got spirit! Wanna play?”

“No,” Wolfgang says. “I’d rather hit myself in the head repeatedly with a ruler.”

“I can make that happen,” says Helga, taking out a bag with school supplies in it.

“Hehe. Wolfgang, that’s hilar,” Puck says, while laughing.

“NOBODY SAYS THAT,” Chelsey yells.

Dolph said it back in TDRev,” Kavren recalls. “Spooky, huh?”

“That’s not spooky,” Arthur says. He then makes one of the most grotesque faces ever imaginable. “This is.”

“...Yep. That too,” Kavren says.

“Arthur, you seem like a pro at getting women,” Chelsey says sarcastically. “I’m sure the @#$%!es are ALL over you.”

“Actually, my dog Clarence just had puppies, and they enjoy climbing on me while I am asleep,” Arthur explains.

Flora and MacKenzie are drinking coffee. “You know, I can’t stand these people anymore,” MacKenzie says.

“Aww, don’t be silly, they’re not that bad,” Flora says.

“BLEEGLEFLEEGLE!” A scream is heard, and Puck is now hanging upside-down by the ceiling by a rope.

“No, but seriously, if we could form an alliance and eliminate these weirdos while trying to get to the final two, wouldn’t that be so cool?” MacKenzie chirps.

“Alliances? Who cares about that crap?” Wolfgang overhears their conversation. “You should know by now that 95% of the people on this freaking show don’t have a strategic bone in their bodies.”

“I actually have a strategic bone. It is my humerus,” Arthur says. “Haha. Isn’t that humorous? But yes, he frequently strategizes with me while I am attempting to tighten my peanuts. It gets old.”

“You know what else gets old?!” snaps Julia. “When you don’t SHUT UP. Seriously. Ughhhhh.”

“Leeyum’s ugly new haircut makes him look like GERecognize,” Arthur snickers. Julia gets even angrier.

“Okay, Julia, I’m sorry, and I never thought I would agree with him, but I kind of have to,” Helga says, while reading a book called Run The Flea.

“Helga, what the @#$%?! I thought you liked the guys, or at least Nile!” Julia snaps.

“...No,” Helga responds. “I don’t. At all. Who does?”

“Mary,” responds Kavren. Everyone looks at him.

“I don’t even know anymore,” Chelsey says, now on her laptop. “Kavren, you’re soooo unpopular.”

“I don’t even know anymore why you use the Internet. It sucks. All there is is a bunch of ugly twelve-year-old boys who think they’re playas but go on Chatrotate and see nothing but genitalia and old men, and annoying HeadNovel losers who post all that ‘Like if you like pancakes, ignore if you want to burn in Hell’ crap,” Wolfgang says.

“What are you talking about? I just check all the social networks that I have a combined amount of 1,000,000 followers on,” Chelsey explains. “The Internet is great.”

“For po--" Arthur begins in the corner. Chelsey throws her phone at him, and it hits him in the head.

Roz suddenly runs into the cabin. “Bonjour! Time for today’s challenge! KK, guys, follow me, hehe.”

The contestants follow Roz outside, where she leads them to the beach. “Sooo, any guesses on what the challenge is gonna be?”

“Let me guess,” Estrella says. “Some dude who you claim is a family member comes, you kiss, then he does a crappy job at making a challenge. Oh, and the Citrus Fruits lose.”

“Haha, nooo, that was last week,” Roz says. “...And that one time in Tokyo. But that was Chris’s fault, not mine. Anyway, I don’t actually know what the challenge is gonna be. Just hang tight for a moment.”

While she sits there, Layla takes her uPhone out and starts texting. Soon after, Chelsey does too, followed by Elena.

Layla purposely spits on her phone. “Veronica, clean that up,” she says, handing Veronica a tissue. Veronica reluctantly cleans up the spit.

“Oh lawd dat nasty,” says Kavren, looking at it.

“All righty, since I’m feeling really, really uncreative today, you guys are gonna do the Take A Skit challenge!” chirps Roz. “There’s props in your cabins, I’m pretty sure. Meet me at the camp amphitheater in like two hours, and we’ll judge your skits. Team with the better skit wins the challenge! OK, what are you waiting for? Get going!”

Arthur, Julia, Kavren, and the rest of the Ralphcakes are shown walking to their cabin. “Hey, guys,” Julia says, looking directly at the screen. “Don’t forget to follow me on Tweeter. I have better tweets than ANYONE here. My username is @StateofjuIia. DO IT.”

“YEAH, I’VE BEEN LIVIN’ IN THE STATE OF JULIA,” sings Arthur obnoxiously. Julia punches Arthur in the arm, and he stops.

“Livin’ in a make believe... Gulia,” Kavren says quietly, and notices Julia glaring at him, then stops.

“All right, let’s get this over with as quickly as possible,” Wolfgang snorts. “I have three rules that you guys gotta follow. First off, I do not like cross-dressing. Second, I do not like singing. And finally, I do not like cross-dressing while singing. Got it?”

“Oh, don’t worry, bro-migo!” says Puck. “Arthur has got the cross-dressing covered. And I think you gurls are good singers? Huh? Huuuuuuh?”

“Ew, no. Singing is for dorks,” Elena whines.

“I surprisingly agree with her,” Chelsey says. “But I’ll sing if I have to, and only if I have to.”

“So, that leaves..." says Helga. "Myself, Kavren, who sounds like a dying tortoise, Puck, who is most likely not much better, Arthur... ew, Julia, Flora, MacKenzie, and Trey, who probably can’t sing.”

“How do you know that...” Trey says. “I used to love to sing... My vocal cords dried up, though...”

“Ugh, you noobs. When did Roz say that it had to include singing? We’re not putting on a freakin’ musical. And since probably none of you sound as angelic as Larry Fashions, we should refrain from singing. Let’s just do comedy,” Julia rants.

“That’s a great idea! I think I could be funny,” Flora says excitedly.

Elena snorts. “Yep, funny as in let’s laugh at her since she’s so unpopular. Just stop trying, girl.”

“Elena. That was RUDE. She could end up being popular. You never know, I mean, at least she doesn’t look like she should be on the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits,” Chelsey says.

“You just got served,” giggles Kavren.

Chelsey says in the confessional, “Elena? She’s a leech on society. She’s not a nice person, and even though I promised her an alliance, I AM willing to break it up. That’s how unpleasant she is. I’d take Arthur over her. ...Don’t tell her I said that.”

Wolfgang and Puck are looking through the costume box. “Hey, Wolf! How about this one?” Puck pulls out a set of fairy wings and a tutu.

“No!” Wolfgang yells. “I’m not wearing that.”

“What about this one?” Puck pulls out a banana suit.

Wolfgang shushes him. “No. You have to hide that. There’s no way I’m going to endure watching that hammy moron running around with the banana suit again.” He grabs the suit and throws it outside, where Nic runs by and grabs it.

“Man, Wolfie, I just gotta say, I appreciate how much of a pal you’ve been lately,” Puck says. He pats Wolfgang on the back.

“BLAAAAAGH!” Wolfgang screams, and jumps into the air. “Why the @#$% is your hand so cold?!”

“Oh, it was hurtin’, so I went in the cold tub and took a nice bath,” Puck explains.

“The cold tub? I... I don’t even want to ask,” growls Wolfgang. He stomps away and back to the team.

Meanwhile, the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits are trying to find ideas for their skit.

“Lookie here,” Layla demands, holding up a sheet of paper. “I already wrote an entire one-act play for you guys. It’s called The Ginger Butler. The starring role is a beautiful woman, AKA me, and she has a useless ginger butler who never gets her anything. That’s about it.”

“You know, Layla, maybe if you weren’t so lazy all the time...” Alex says groggily. “Hey, can someone get me my phone?” He points to his phone, which is two feet away from him.

“My friends, you have much to learn in the act of playwriting,” Nic says. “Usually, there is a sexy hero. And there is also a dastardly villain. I will call her...” He takes out Kavren’s banana suit. “Madame Banana!”

“No. There is no way I’m going to wear that,” scoffs Layla.

The scene immediately cuts to Layla wearing the costume. “Okay. You know what? Fine. But only for this skit,” she says.

Chrissy is whittling a piece of bark. “Okay, Nic, we have a villain... I think. Any more amazing ideas?”

“Yes. The hero rescues a damsel in distress,” he says, winking at Chrissy. “Hint, hint.”

“Nope, not doing it,” Chrissy says immediately after he finishes. “I’ll work on the lights or something.”

“Veronica? Would you like it?” Nic says.

“Back off,” growls Layla. “Veronica is my sidekick, the evil Butler Apple.” She takes out an apple costume and a tuxedo.

“Estrella? Any takers?” Nic asks desperately.

“Nope,” Estrella says. “I’ll be the announcer or something. But I’m definitely not going to be your love interest.”

“What? Aw, darn it! That is all the girls on the team!” Nic whines.

Trick points to Alex. “You know, his hair is pretty long...”

Alex shrugs. “If it makes us win the challenge, sure, then. I’ll do it.”

Trick grabs a blonde wig and puts it onto Alex. “All right, then... Alexandra. Thanks for helping out.”

“Wait, I never said you could call me that,” Alex raises an eyebrow. “I get mistaken for women at home enough already.”

“Okay, then, we have...” Estrella reads down the cast list. “Nic is gonna be... Mr. Sexy Mucho? That’s the best you could come up with? Fine. Layla will be the evil guy, Veronica her sidekick, Trick the cop, Alex the buxom sidekick of Mr. Sexy whatever, and me and Chrissy will have nothing to do with th-- I mean, we'll do the lights.”

“Wait? BUXOM?” Alex says, his eyes wide. “...This day keeps getting better and better, huh?”

“Hey, at least we’re getting along... kinda,” Chrissy says, attempting to reassure Alex. “Knowing Arthur and Julia and those guys, they’re probably killing each other.”

The Hopalong Ralphcakes are shown, and they might as well be killing each other.

“Arthur, there is NO @#$%ING WAY you’re gonna dress up as Larry Fashions!” yells Julia. “I said we were gonna do COMEDY!”

“Relax, Jules,” Puck says. “Dressing up in funny ‘stumes is totally comedy!”

“Yep, I agree,” Kavren chirps. “We gotta do this, Julia. We’ve got five dudes, and wigs. And we can all sing kind of good.”

“Kind of well,” corrects Helga from the corner.

“Staaaaahp!” Kavren shrieks.

“Seriously, Julia. First of all, 1E isn’t even popular. Except among short gingers-turned-brunettes. Who cares if they dress up as them? We can call them something else. Like... One Rejection,” says Chelsey.

“HAHA!” Elena yells. “That’s fularious. ‘Cause they’re social rejects.”

“Fularious?” Puck says. “I’m the master of dumb slang, and I don’t even know that one! Schweet!”

“Uh, Puck, I think it’s pretty self-explanatory,” Helga says. “Basically, think of the opposite of yourself.”

“OK, guys, we’re getting off track... again,” MacKenzie says. “Who’s gonna be who? I found costumes for everyone!”

“Well, I get to choose, since I’m obviously the biggest fan,” Julia glares at MacKenzie. “Ughhhh, none of these dudes even look like anyone in 1E!”

“I’ll be Leeyum,” Kavren suggests. “Obvs.”

“Ugh, fine,” Julia says. “I mean, you only say at school that you look like Leeyum once an hour. Blegh. Puck, I guess you gotta be Nile.” She tosses him the blonde wig.

“Who is going to be Larry? And now that Nic’s gone, there is like nobody who could be Zane,” Arthur says. “...Except jolly ol’ elf over here.”

“Nope... I’m not gonna play your dumb games, Arthur...” Trey says quietly.

“All righty then. But, if you are not Zane, then I have to be somebody. And I highly doubt there is anyone in the band who is morbidly obeeeese, because that would not be appealing to teenaged girls,” Arthur says.

“Fine... I’ll be the guy... I don’t want to sing, though...” Trey groans.

The scene changes to the two teams, both in front of Roz at the amphitheater. All the Ralphcake boys except Arthur are dressed up as 1E members, and Arthur is nowhere to be seen. The Citrus Fruits are dressed up for their skit.

“Hey, hey, hey!” Roz comes walking in, with Chef and Smoothie Guy. “So, we’re gonna be the three judges. Who wants to go first?" There is complete silence. "K, the Citrus Fruits can go first. GO!”

The curtain opens, and Nic is shown with a cape and a mask.

“I am Mr. Sexy Mucho,” he says valiantly. “Protector of beautiful women everywhere. Check out my rad moves.” He tries to fly, but his cape gets caught on one of the 'buildings.' The entire room goes quiet. “Oh, no! I am stuck! Where is my sidekick?” He begins to sweat.

Alex walks out, wearing a blonde wig, a skin-tight jumpsuit, and some sort of circular fruit in his chest.

“Oh, look. It is my voluptuous Russian sidekick, Vladimira Rastalilenibachevin!” Nic says. “She will save the day!”

Alex, or Vladimira, jumps up and catches Nic. “Взорвать это ваша задница,” says Alex in Russian. “Now, vere is ze villain? Ve must save ze day.”

“HAW, HAW, HAW!” An evil cackling is heard. Suddenly, Layla runs out wearing Kavren’s banana suit, followed by Veronica, wearing a butler’s outfit with an apple on her head. “I’m gonna, like, kill you and stuff!”

“Oh no! Vladimira, use your powers to stun this wily crook!” Nic yells. Alex bonks Layla in the chest with his bosom, and she falls over.

“Aw, MAN!” yells Layla. “Now I gotta give up all this expensive jewelry I stole.”

Trick appears, driving in a plastic police car that resembles one of the ones children ride in grocery stores.

“You’re under arrest!” He comes out and handcuffs Layla. “Thank you for saving the day, Mr. Sexy Mucho.”

Estrella’s voice is heard from up by the lights, saying, “I swear, I’m losing brain cells just from listening to this.”

The Citrus Fruits bow, and the curtain goes down behind them. “Nice job... I guess. Ya guys were okay. Let’s just see if the Ralphcakes can top that. Probably, since they’ve been winning everything, but whatevs!” Roz says.

“Darn. I wanted to use the banana,” Kavren mutters, in his costume, behind the curtain.

“Come on, Kav. We have to win. If we don't, I’ll kill you,” Julia says. “No pressure, though.”

Arthur walks out, and it is a disturbing sight. He’s dressed entirely in drag, wearing a button-down coral-colored long sleeve shirt but only a bra underneath, with a long brown wig and numerous necklaces and bracelets. “Greetings, loved ones,” he says. “Tonight’s skit is known as One Rejection. Come on out!”

Chrissy’s mouth gapes open. “What.”

Sure enough, Puck walks out wearing a blonde wig and a blue hoodie, followed by Trey in a blue polo with his hair spiked up, Kavren in a green sweatshirt, Gary in a jean jacket with a white shirt underneath, and an extremely livid Wolfgang, who has a giant brown poofy wig and a green polo shirt.

“Gary?! You’re supposed ta be cleanin’ the kitchens!” says Roz.

“Oh, uh, sorry, Roz. These guys are sweet! Arthur let me be in the skit, and now his awesomeness level is... very high!” Gary says happily. “I missed him from Tiki Jungle.”

“Shut up!” Chelsey whispers from behind the curtain. “Just... start.”

Mackenzie, Flora, and Julia (who looks like she is about to kill somebody) are shown playing the instruments.

Kavren starts to sing. “You’re insecure... Dunno what for. You turn them heads when you walk through the do-o-ooor. Don’t need make-up to cover up. Bein’ the way that you are is eno-o-ough.”

Trey sings. “I don’t know why... You’re being... I can’t do this.”


“Baby, you light up the world like my banana suit! When I see you with a dude, I say oh shoot! And I always try to hold in my toooots, around you-u-uuu! That’s what makes you beautiful!” sings One Rejection.

“If only you saw how hot he was, maybe you would actually start likin’ my cuz!” Kavren sings in front of Roz.

Arthur bursts out in front of everybody, wearing an orca costume, while Gary is tied to his back wearing a yellow polo shirt and jeans, and screaming at the top of his lungs.

“Mas o melhor é quando vamos pra Baleia,” he sings. “Eu so-o-oooo! Eu sou o Nissim Ourfali!”

“Ugh, what are you guys doing?” Julia hisses during the instrumental break. “Arthur, get out!”

Arthur leaves as the second verse starts. He drops Gary, and Gary falls onto Smoothie Guy’s lap. Smoothie Guy dumps the coffee he was drinking on Gary’s head.

“So c-come on, these lyrics are wrong. To prove I’m right, I’ll kick Puck in the shlo-o-ong!” Wolfgang grunts, and kicks Puck in the unmentionables, while Puck keels over.

“I don’t know why you’re being shy,” sings Kavren. “Because I really enjoy looking at your... eyes.”

“Everyone else in the room is fa--” Arthur begins.

Roz takes an aspirin, and then yells, “STOP!”

The music stops. “Ugh, Roz, what is it now?” Helga mutters.

“I think I’ve seen enough. That was really...” says Roz suspensefully. Everyone begins to grin. “Horrible. You think you guys did awesome? Noooopeeee. The Citrus Fruits finally win the challenge!”

“Alex!" yells Nic. "ALEX! We won!" Nic then hugs Alex, who's still in his costume, and kisses him on the cheek.

“Uh...” Alex says.

“But seriously, you guys expected to have a huge come-from-behind victory or somethin’? Nope. That was like torture to my ears. The banana thing back in TDRev was at least kinda funny. You’re going to elimination, so see ya,” Roz says, and she leaves.

“Wait, don’t we get opinions?” snaps Smoothie Guy. “I thought it was high-larious.”

“Naw, it was pretty terrible,” grunts Chef. “An’ I’ve seen some horrible, horrible things.”

“Like my foot fungus?” pipes up Arthur.

“LEAVE!” Roz yells.

The Hopalong Ralphcakes are shown opening the door to their cabin. Layla emerges in the doorway. “What are you doing here?” Elena says rudely.

“Uh, hel-lloooo? This is our cabin now. And unless you want to find some sort of way to get me a jetpack, I advise you guys to sleep on the grass. VERONICAAAAAA!” she yells.

“Coming!” says a voice from inside the house.

“Ugh. I guess grass is better for tanning,” Chelsey says. “But what am I going to do without Snooki and K-Woww? This is going to be awful. My fingernails are getting too long, too... They can only be three centimeters tops, and this one is three point one. There are no nail clippers here. Oh, my life sucks.”

“What? Long? Ha, you’re so dumb. Long fingernails are the way to go,” says Elena, holding up her fingers with her nails which resemble talons.

“Are you a human, or some sort of half-bird hybrid?” MacKenzie says, confused.

MacKenzie says in the confessional, “I really don’t know why the girls on my team, mostly Chelsey, Elena, and Julia, are obsessed with such little things. Chelsey LOVES some dumb app on her uPhone, and also that dumb Nebraska Shore show. Elena and Chelsey are both obsessed with fashion. And Julia... do I even have to explain? Sigh. I just wish they could be more well-balanced girls.”

Arthur is playing jacks in the grass with Kavren. Julia stomps over to them and sits down. “Hello,” says Arthur. “I thought you despised me.”

“Look, BUDDY,” Julia says. “You know I’m pissed about the bullcrap you pulled earlier. And honestly, I wanna kick you in the @#$%ing unmentionables. But you know what? Elena is unbearable. It’s like how she was in Tiki Jungle, but like fifty million times worse. We have to get her out, now.”

“Elena? Really? I enjoy staring at her obviously fake... tan. It provides me with amusement,” Arthur explains.

“Hehe, yeah, Julia, she’s pretty bloopy and ugly and annoying and all that chazz. We gotta get her out, I agree,” explains Kavren. “Helg, you on board?”

“Nope,” says Helga, reading a book called Professor What: The Movie: The Junior Novelization.

“HELGA!” snaps Julia. “I thought you were on board. If not, I’m gonna have to--”

“All right, fine,” Helga says. “She’s a nuisance, but it’s not like she has a big enough brain to actually strategize and take one of us out. Oh, god, speaking of not strategizing, here comes...”

“Hey, fellers!” Puck comes trotting over to the group. “Strategy talk? Cool beans! I’ve got some ideas. We gotta boot Chelsey.”

“Nope,” say Arthur and Kavren simultaneously.

“Hmm. Fine. Wolfie wants to get you out, Arthur. He says you’re an annoying moron, and then he said some not-nice things I don’t wanna repeat,” explains Puck.

“Hmph. I am not afraid of that dude,” says Arthur. “He smells like my cat’s barf.”

“Hey, he’s more cultured than you,” mutters Helga, still reading. “At least he doesn’t talk about his loose peanuts 24/7.”

“Actually, not really 24/7. He talks about how morbidly obeeeese he is sometimes,” giggles Kavren.

“But really, whatcha guys thinkin’ for strategy and whatnot?” Puck asks curiously. “I wanna know!”

“Well, too bad, we’re not gonna tell you,” scoffs Julia.

“Julia, are you an idiot? We want him on our side. It’s numbers. He’s annoying, but effective,” Helga whispers.

Kavren says in the confessional, “...Weird. Helga has gone from rude snarky bookaholic to rude snarky bookaholic strategist. Huh.”

There is a rustling in the bushes. Trey’s head peeks out from behind one of them, and once the others see him, he sprints into the woods.

“Hey, what’s that arsehat doing?!” Julia yells.

The rest of the team, which includes Flora, MacKenzie, Chelsey, Elena, and Wolfgang, are sitting behind the house, on stumps. “Did you get any info?” MacKenzie says.

“Yep. They’re gonna blindside Elena...” Trey says. “Well, it’s not necessarily a blindside now...”

“WHAT?!” Elena looks extremely shocked. “Those idiots. OK, we have the majority, so I think we--”

“Not necessarily,” mutters Wolfgang. “I don’t have an alliance. I vote with the wind.”

Wolfgang says in the confessional, “All right, so I fully support doing everything I can to get ahead in this freakin’ game, but it’s hard when you’re the swing vote. I don’t like being the swing vote. I’ve only voted ONCE in two seasons. ONE FREAKING TI--” The confessional turns to static.

“Trey, did you pick up anything about me? Am I safe?” Chelsey asks curiously.

“Yeah... Arthur and his perverted friend think you’re too hot to eliminate, or something...” sighs Trey. “I wish people thought I was hot...”

“You were hot, until you turned pale as my skin when it doesn’t have a beautiful tan,” Elena says. “But seriously, I’m angry. What are we gonna do? Who are we gonna vote?”

“Okay, this is gonna sound really mean, and I’m sorry,” Flora says in a small voice. “What if... we eliminated... Kavren or Arthur? Don’t kill me!” she shrieks.

“Kavren and Arthur? We hate those two. Why would we kill you?” Chelsey says.

“Yeah, they’re really unbearable...” explains MacKenzie. “If we got one of them out, Julia wouldn’t be so angry and she might be easier to talk to.”

“Kavren or Arthur... That’s a good idea, guys...” says Trey.

Trey says in the confessional, “YES! It worked! I’m finally starting to get into this game more... But what if people don’t like me and are just pretending...”

“Sorry, guys. I just really don’t like being mean. I’m a nice person,” says Flora, upset.

“Flora, your clothes may be tacky, but yeah, you are nice. The thing is, this game is more than just who’s nice and who’s not,” Chelsey says. “We have to do the most strategic choice.”

“Dang, you guys are super boring,” harrumphs Wolfgang. “I’m going to go get some iced tea. You’ll find out if I’m really on your side later. Spoiler alert: I vote with the wind.”

“You literally just said that,” says Elena obnoxiously.

The Swagged Out Citrus Fruits are shown inside the house, eavesdropping on the other team’s conversation.

“Yes, yes, they are good villains, indeed. But nobody is a match for the amazing Nic-ejandro and his buff ab belly. Abby and I are an unstoppable force,” Nic says evilly.

“Yeah, if by unstoppable you mean you never stop runnin’ your mouth,” Layla complains. “Veronica, get me some du-ree-tos.” Veronica runs to the kitchen.

Roz is shown with the Hopalong Ralphcakes at the elimination ceremony. “Hey, guys!” she says. “Soooo, it’s your first time here. I guess I gotta give the whole elimination rant, huh? Kay-kay. If you receive a seashell, you're safe. If you don't, you're voted out, and you gotta walk the Dock of Shame and catch the Boat of Losers to get outta here. That’s about it. First seashell of the night goes to Chelsey.” Chelsey catches her seashell.

“Julia, Flora, MacKenzie, Trey, and Helga, ya guys are safe too,” says Roz. Trey’s seashell gets caught in his hair. Kavren laughs a noodle out of his nose.

“Brm-hrm-hrm,” he chuckles.

“Puck and Wolfie, you guys are safe,” says Roz. The two catch their seashells. “Aaaand... Arthur.” Arthur laughs. “Bottom two. Elena an’ Kavren. This is pretty unexpected, guys. Final seashell goes to...”

“Kavren. Just kiddin’. Elena, here you go.”

“Wut?” Kavren says. “I’m... I’m at a loss for words, my noodly friends. Ah, well. All good stuff has gotta come to an end, right?”

“No, not really,” Helga says. “For instance, books being published.”

“Helga, there’s no point for that chaz,” Kavren says. “Wow, it feels kinda weird. You guys got out the closest to a fan favorite that there is in this continuity. I’ve never been voted out before. It’s just...”

“Kavren, leave. I’m getting tired. We’re all gettin’ tired,” Roz says.

“All righty then,” says Kavren. “Art, do it. You got second last time, you can win this time.” He waves at the guys, and walks to the Boat of Losers. As the boat pulls up, his banana suit is shown resting on the side. “Woot!” He puts on the banana suit, and the boat drives into the sunset.

Chapter 7 - Sandbag Scuffle

“Last time on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown...” begins Roz. “The contestants were forced to take a skit! Aren’t those challenges always super unfunny? For me, they were. Hehe. Anyway, the Citrus Fruits actually did a pretty good job, they made some weird superhero skit featuring Nic as the main character. Sure, he can’t act, but it was better than the monstrosity that the Ralphcakes made! Srsly, that thing was soooo bad. Whatever. After the Ralphcakes lost, two alliances kind of started to form. Arthur’s alliance, with Puck, Kavren, and surprisingly Julia! Thought she hated his guts. There was also Elena and Trey’s alliance, with the boring chicks and Chelsey. Wolfgang was in the middle of it all, but stuck with Elena and voted out Kavren! Boo-hoo. Who cares? Meh, so I guess see what happens today on Total... Drama... Superstar Showdown!”

The Ralphcakes are shown walking from the elimination ceremony back to their camps.

“Congrats, guys. You’ve successfully made Arthur speechless,” Helga says dryly. “Maybe we can all finally sleep tonight.” Helga looks at Arthur, whose mouth is slightly hanging open.

“Heh. Whatever,” Wolfgang says. “I’m warning you guys, don’t think I’m in your alliance for good. I don’t like anyone on this team.”

“Except for me!” says Puck giddily. “Right, bro? Right? Right? Right? Ri--”

“NO!” yells Wolfgang. He chucks a blade of grass at Puck, and it brushes up onto his shoulder.

“Ouch!” whines Puck.

“Okay. I really have to say, I’m proud of you girls,” says Chelsey, who’s with Flora and MacKenzie by their tent. “But remember, Elena is NOT an ally. She’s a rude jerk. We just have her for numbers, and if you guys wanna dump her, we can.”

Julia is shown in the confessional. “All this alliance crap is making me woozy. I have no idea what strategy is even like, at all. Like, seriously, alliance? I wish Arthur's head could get ripped off by lions.”

Trey is sitting by the campfire, with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders. Suddenly, there is a noise behind him. “AUNT JEMIMA’S TURKEY STEW!” yells Arthur, grabbing Trey’s shoulders.

“What the clump?!” Trey yells. “Leave me alone, Arthur...” Trey walks over to Elena. “Sorry... He’s taking the oasis... out of me...” he says to her.

“What’s with people saying that all of a sudden? Is it the new ‘fetch’? Please, no,” mutters Helga from the corner. “It’s bad enough having to be around her.” She points to Elena.

“Hi, Trey. Wanna hang out with me instead?” Elena blushes. “I figured. Okay, I have this game I like to play, it’s called ‘Who’s A Fugly Try-Hard?.' Basically, you flip through my 2,847 HeadNovel friends and see who’s fugly and who’s a try-hard! Wanna start?” explains Elena.

“Oh, this sounds fun...” Trey says quietly. “Okay, I’ll go... Who’s this Wesley guy... He looks like my cousin... She’s female..”

“...What?! No. Just no. That’s the guy I went to prom with last year. Ugh, Trey, you’re soooo offensive!” Elena storms off in a huff.

“See how unbearable she is?” Chelsey whispers to Flora and MacKenzie. “Like, Elena reminds me of this one chick at my school. Let’s just call her... Smellena. Smellena always walks around like she’s so cool. And she went to this really hot senior’s house and made out with him, and now she thinks she is ALL THAT. Like, seriously, gurl, your clothes are tacky. If I could award negative PP, it would be to her.”

“Uh... That’s interesting?” says MacKenzie uncomfortably.

“Chelsey. I was wondering. I want an honest opinion. Am I any less boring than I was last time? I’ve been trying reeeeally hard,” Flora asks.

“Hmm. Yeah, about that. I need to... do something. I’ll be back in approximately three hours,” says Chelsey, and she walks into the house.

Trey is shown in the confessional. “You know... Is it bad that I have feelings for Elena still... I mean, no, I don’t like anyone... But I’m really sad that she had to break up with me... We can still rock an alliance together, though, but it’s not the same...”

Puck is listening to his uPod and singing along obnoxiously. “Power and control... I’m gonna maaaaake you...”

“Crash into a pit of flames so your car blows up and the Grim Reaper comes out of nowhere and cuts your head off with his scythe,” Wolfgang finishes the chorus.

“Wow, dude, you’ve got so much musical talent! I swear, you could be the next Oceania and the Pearls!” Puck claps.

“Except for the fact that I am a guy, and I don’t have a ‘wow, cool’ accent, and I DON’T LIKE SINGING AT ALL!” yells Wolfgang.

“Aww. Well, you know what they always say... Practice makes perfect!” Puck pats Wolfgang on the back.

The scene moves to Helga and Julia, who are sitting in the grass. “So, uh, Helga. I’m doing a survey. What do you think about Nile’s new haircut? He shaved off 0.0001 centimeters of hair!” Julia says excitedly.

“You know, I really couldn’t care less about anything you’re saying right now,” Helga says frankly. “Can’t we just enjoy that Arthur is bothering others and not us?”

Helga and Julia look at Trey, who’s walking to the bathroom and Arthur, who’s behind him mimicking him crudely.

“Yeah. Ugh, I hate that dude. You know, people say my best friend looks just like Arthur, but I don't see it at ALL. Although, sometimes I do mistake him for Arthur and accidentally kick him in the unmentionables. Should I stop?” Julia asks Helga.

“I-- I don’t really know how to respond to that,” Helga says. She goes back to reading her book, Behind The Magic Of The Wizarding Planet of Mary Lotter.

“Gee, you’re helpful,” Julia grunts. “I’ll update my status on Tweeter. Helga... is... a... stupid...”

“Here, let me see this,” Helga grabs Julia’s uPhone away from her. She clicks on something, and hands the phone back to Julia. The lock screen is of a semi-nude Arthur. 

“I’m going to go get some Warm-Aid,” Helga says dryly, and walks into the Citrus Fruits’ house.

The Citrus Fruits are doing strange things, similar to the Ralphcakes. Helga gets some Warm-Aid and leaves, and the camera moves to Chrissy, who’s watching TV.

“Greetings," Nic appears from behind the couch, and Chrissy jumps.

“Look, Nic, I’m not interested,” says Chrissy gruffly, feeling around in her pants pocket for her pocketknife.

“No, uh, Chrissy. I do not wish to attract you or anything. I’m simply wondering... uh... Do you like hair gel on guys?” Nic says.

“Nah, not really,” says Chrissy. “I like beanies. They look attractive on dudes. And lumberjack shirts, man, those are pretty nic-- wait, why am I telling you this stuff?!”

“No, no, no. Go on,” Nic says, and seems to be jotting down notes in a notepad.

“Seriously, Nic. I don’t like you. You’re weird, you were annoying back in Tiki Jungle, and I feel like you became fit and athletic just to attract me. It’s not working. We can be... uh, acquaintances, but you’re not my type, seriously,” says Chrissy.

“Well, is there anything I can do to... uh, BECOME your type?” winks Nic.

“Nic. Can you... go bother the other girls on this team? I’m trying to watch Home Finders,” Chrissy says, motioning for him to go away.

“Ew, you like house improvement shows?” Nic says. “I am disappointed. Yes, I shall go away and go bother the others. Thank you for the advice, Chrissy. I appreciate it.” He kisses his biceps.

“Oh, and also, can you please stop doing that Abby thing? Around me and everyone else. It kinda pisses me off. So, uh, yeah. Get away now,” Chrissy grunts.

Nic pulls up his shirt and starts moving his belly. He says in a falsetto voice, “Oh, but Chrissy! I love you so! You’re so pretty and your lips are so luscious, and--” Chrissy throws the TV remote at Abby.

Layla struts into the room, looking angry. She stubs her toe on one of the cabinets and cries out loudly, then collapses onto the couch, on top of Alex.

“Uh... do you mind?” says Alex groggily. “I was tryin’ to sleep. And... yeah, I can’t achieve that with you on top of me. You smell like my grandmother’s closet.”

“Ugh, Alex, I don’t want to hear it. VERONICAAAAA!” yells Layla. “Come get me some ice!”

“Layla, it’s like midnight. Don’t you think she’s probably asleep? I would be asleep, if... uh, this wasn’t going on right now,” explains Alex softly.

“Alex, shut up, I’m sick and tired of your complaining. The one thing I hate is people who complain constantly. They need to be independent!” Layla groans.

“I don’t know anymore,” says Alex. “I’m gonna go upstairs.” And, he does.

Veronica rushes into the room. “Layla, what do you want now?”

“Veronica! You’re like a minute late. My foot isn’t even hurting anymore! Ugh, just... leave. You make me sick,” whines Layla.

Veronica says in the confessional, “You know, maybe I should start trying to get to know the other people on my team, rather than hanging out with Layla 24/7...”

Veronica goes upstairs, where the door to the bedroom is locked. She knocks on it, and it swings open, but there seems to be nobody in there and it’s pitch-black.

“Uh, anyone in here?” Veronica says. Spooky music starts playing. Suddenly, the lights turn on, and Estrella is revealed to be sitting in the corner and playing a theremin.

“...And to think that I was just trying to get my beauty sleep. Anyway, hi, Veronica. What do you want,” Estrella says.

“Oh, just trying to socialize, if that’s fine with you!” says Veronica cheerfully. “Like, what do you think about the people on our team?”

“I hate them,” Estrella says bluntly.

“Wow, well, that’s kinda... direct,” Veronica says. “Do you hate me?”

“Yes,” says Estrella. “Slightly less than the others, but don’t mistake that as friendship. Although, I am kind of peeved that you had to come in right as I was finishing Death Fairies 2: The Fairies Come To Life (Just Kidding)."

“Oh, well, I can leave you alone, if you want!” Veronica says. “Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do it!”

“Well, there’s a spider up there that’s being timid,” says Estrella mysteriously, pointing to something at the top of her curtains. “Go get it and give it to me.”

Veronica climbs onto the bed and tries to reach at the curtains, but falls backward and pulls the entire curtains backwards, making them collapse on top of her. Behind the curtains, Nic is lurking, wearing nothing but his boxers. He grins and points to Abby.

“NIC?!” Estrella shouts. “What are you doing. Get out.” Nic shrieks, and runs out of the room.

“...You, too,” says Estrella. She points to the door, and Veronica leaves.

Trick is waiting for Veronica as she exits. “Hi, Veronica,” says Trick.

“Uh, don’t you have a girlfriend?” Veronica says warily.

“...I guess saying hi implies romantic interest now?” Trick says. “Never mind. I’ll be at the challenge.”

Trick says in the confessional, “You know, Veronica may not be the smartest bulb. But I need her vote if I want to get to the end. Alex and I are two against like five, and he might not even be with me for sure... I just miss Cammy, man. If she was here, I’d be set.”

Roz is shown on the beach, with what looks like a giant field with multicolored lines. She blows on a horn, and yells “CHALLENGE TIIIIIIME!”

The Ralphcakes and Citrus Fruits make their way from the house to the beach.

“My expert sleuthing skills have deduced that this challenge will produce many hormone-crazed, sweaty teenagers,” Arthur says, on the way to the beach.

Julia punches him in the arm. “Oh, and that wasn’t a playful punch,” she mutters. “Just letting you know.”

“Ew. Julia. Physical violence is SO 2000’s. Girls who are too assertive will not become popular, I’m telling you,” Chelsey says.

“Well, good for you, ‘cuz physical violence is making a comeback!” Roz chirps, when the teams get there. Julia jumps up and down happily. “Today’s challenge is easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy. See this big sandy thing in front of me?”

“Nope. I completely missed it,” says Helga.

“KK. Fine. Whatever, Helga. Sooo, where was I? Okay. There’s bags of whatever hidden in the sand over there. One at a time, two people from each team will go and try to get the bags from underneath the sand and stuff. You can tackle, punch, kick, whatever. Just no doing the nasty. First team to get three bags to the finish line wins the challenge! Ralphies, since you have way too many people, 3 peeps have to sit out,” explains Roz. “Two girls and one dude.”

Trey and Helga quickly get up and sit next to Roz. “Any more victims?” says Helga rudely.

Elena shrugs, and sits down next to the other two. “You know, I just had a self-manicure, and I do NOT wanna get these nails dirty.”

Chelsey picks up a ball of sand. “Don’t you DARE,” Elena squeals.

Nic rips his shirt off, on the Citrus Fruits’ side. Arthur stares at him, and starts to take his shirt off, until Chelsey waves her finger in his face.

“First up!” yells Roz. “We’ve got Wolfgang and Puck going against Trick ‘n’ Alex. Ready... GO!”

Puck, Trick, and Wolfgang sprint towards the flag, and begin to frantically dig, while Alex casually walks behind them.

“C’mon, Wolfie! If we win, you can take a sniff of my new Pineapple Breeze deodorant! My mom says it smells like the men’s locker room! That’s a good thing, right?” Puck says enthusiastically.

Wolfgang makes a gun motion with his hand and points it at his head. He kicks Alex in the groin, and Alex yelps.

Trick finally uncovers the bag, and starts to sprint to the team, but Wolfgang tackles him and he falls onto the ground.

Puck jumps in front of Trick and starts to twerk. “Yeah! We’re winnin’, guys! This is my celebratory tw--” Trick grabs his leg and he collapses to the ground.

“PUCK, DON’T EVEN TH--” Wolfgang begins to berate Puck, but is pinned to the ground by Trick.

As Puck, Wolfgang, and Trick are brawling, Alex calmly walks by, grabs the bag, and returns to his mat.

“The Citrus Fruits win the first point!” yells Roz, blowing a whistle.

“Whistle, baby, whistle, baby,” sings Nic. Chrissy glares at him.

“All righty, next up we have Chelsey and Flora for the Ralphcakes, versus Layla and Veronica for the Citrus Fruits!” Roz says.

Layla makes a loud, obnoxious noise that sounds like a dying whale, and reluctantly gets up.

“Ugh, Veronica. My bones are all brittle ‘n’ weak. Help me do some str--” begins Layla, until she’s interrupted.

Veronica points to Chelsey and Flora, who are already digging up the bag. “Come on, Layla!”

She starts to sprint to Chelsey and Flora, and starts fighting for the bag, while Layla continues to lay there in the sand.

Flora picks up the bag and starts sprinting, but trips over Layla, who’s still lying down. Veronica catches the bag in midair and returns to the Citrus Fruits’ mat.

“Aww, well, I tried, guys,” Flora says, upset.

“Don’t worry. It’s not like you’re gonna become popular or anything,” scoffs Elena. Chelsey slaps her head.

Chelsey says in the confessional, “I’m this close to starting to sabotage Elena. Or, maybe I could just vote out Flora and MacKenzie so I don’t have to hear Elena’s crap anymore... It could happen. And then watch, I’d TOTALLY rise in all the popularity polls online. It’s a win-win situation.”

“Citrus Fruits score another point!” yells Roz, jumping up and down. “You guys have two, only one more point until you can win the challenge!”

Arthur rips off his shirt. “It is time to get funky,” he says, but then looks at his watch. “...Or not. Well, I’m excited for this, since I can study the natural scent of teenagers... It differs depending on how many hormones you have.”

“Arthur. Can you really not control that? I don’t think it’s the best time for this!” MacKenzie says.

“Be quiet, MacKenzie! Is it A-cup angst again?” Arthur waggles a finger. “Do not worry, your time will come.”

“Uh, okay,” Roz announces. “Next group going! This could decide it. For the Ralphcakes, Arthur and Julia will go, while for the Citrus Fruits, Chrissy and Nic.”

“...Wow, this was the final four of Tiki Jungle,” says Chrissy. “Interesting coincidence, I guess.”

“Nobody cares! Oh, that wasn’t Arthur. Just kidding Chrissy, ILY,” says Julia.

“Chrissy, I hope this challenge proves to you that I am a nice and funny guy,” Nic says, kissing his biceps. “I can even tie my hair into a knot with my legs, unlike before. Want to see?!”

“No, uh, I actually really don’t,” says Chrissy. “Cause there’s something called a challenge going on, I don’t know if you’ve heard of it.”

“GO!” yells Roz. Julia and the others sprint, while Arthur attempts to run but looks like he’s about to have a heart attack.

“Look at me!” says Arthur, while panting heavily. “I’m runnin’!”

“Arthur, you fat lump of SNOT!” yells Julia. “GET MOVING!”

Arthur says in the confessional, with the red Puber T underpants on his head, “Running is a nice form of coping with depression. That would be helpful... if I had depression.”

“I think I’ll have a heart attack,” sings Arthur, as he jogs to the flag, where everyone else is already digging.

Nic grabs the bag, but Julia jumps on top of him. “This is for existing!” she yells, and she takes the bag from his hands and sprints back to the team.

“And, with that, the Ralphcakes finally score a point! The Citrus Fruits could still win it, though,” Roz announces.

“I hope they do... I don’t want to be here, anymore...” Trey mutters.

“Quit your blabbering. Maybe if you behave, I can give you a new Bonjour Doggy figurine,” snickers Arthur.

Roz yells on her megaphone again. “Next matchup! Once again, this could be the deciding point. Chelsey and Wolfgang versus Veronica and Trick!”

"Yeah, yeah, we're gonna win. Can I go take a nap now?" says Wolfgang.

Roz, ignoring Wolfgang, yells, "GO!"

Chelsey and Wolfgang sprint to the end, as do Veronica and Trick.

Trick begins digging in the sand but is quickly tackled by Wolfgang. As the two are fighting, Veronica tries to subtly dig in another area.

"Hey, I saw that!" Chelsey growls, and she sprints over to Veronica. The two girls start having a catfight.

Wolfgang now has Trick in a headlock. Veronica grabs the bag, and is tackled by Chelsey. Chelsey grabs the bag and sprints to the flag, and Veronica tries to grab onto her but ends up ripping her shirt off.

A topless Chelsey drops the bag off and gives Veronica two middle fingers.

"Ooooh," Nic drools from the other team. "Spicy. Yes, I like that."

"Ugh, make up your mind already," says Chrissy.

“All right. Now, I know I keep sayin’ this, but this is ACTUALLY gonna decide it. Both teams are tied! Who will win? Probably the Ralphcakes!” Roz says.

“Ew. No. We’re going to win, and if not, Veronica will do twice the laundry she already volunteered to do,” Layla says.

“Volunteered? I didn’t even--” Veronica says, but Layla holds up a twenty dollar bill, and she stops talking.

“For the final round... Estrella and Nic are going for the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits!” says Roz.

“Why,” Estrella says flatly. “Just... why.”

Nic is lathering New Spice body freshener all over his body. “Estrella, we haven’t interacted much, have we? That can change.” He winks. “Being a Latina, I know you enjoy my fiery Alejandro-like blood.”

“Nic, you are the whitest kid I’ve ever met,” Arthur says from the other side. “Rozzio, who’s going for the Ralphcakes? Me?”

“Nah, MacKenzie and Puck are going!” Roz says. “You guys ready? Go!”

“Man, let’s twerk!” Puck says. He begins to shake his bottom, but MacKenzie drags him to the flag.

“Uh, Puck, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but don’t we have better things to do right now?!” says MacKenzie quickly.

“Yeah! Like, I really gotta go, you know, I’ve been holding it in fo--” Puck says.

“Not that!” MacKenzie says, as she starts digging.

“Ugh, Nic, your stench is just...” Estrella takes out a clothespin from her pocket and puts it on her nose. “That’s a lot better.”

Nic continues to dig, and splashes sand on his chest. “Do you like the sexy sand on my body? Aren’t I a male version of Katie Downton?”

“Shut up!” Estrella says. She finally digs out the bag. “You know, Roz, these bags are really easy to dig up, is it because--” Before she can finish, Puck tackles her.

Nic gets on top of Puck, grabs the bag, and sprints back to the base.

“The Citrus Fruits! Win!” Roz screams, and Nic tries to hug Estrella, but she walks away and starts reading a book.

Arthur says in the confessional, “Am I upset that we lost? No, not necessarily. But the thing is, I am not the type of person who even pays attention to strategy, but it’s me, Puck, Helga, and the contestant formerly known as Ginger versus the rest of the team. We must have some sort of strategy if we want to make it out alive.”

Puck is shown twerking in the confessional. The door creaks open slowly, and a knife slowly moves closer to Puck’s butt. A scream is heard, and the hand disappears while the knife drops.

Trey is shown lying in the grass face-down. Elena walks up to him. “Listen, Trey, we need to do this. It’s almost time for elimination.”

Trey says nothing. “Uh, hello?” Elena kicks him in the head.

“What do you want, Elena...” says Trey quietly. “I’m not in the mood for strategy...”

“You’re not in the mood for ANYTHING,” Elena whines. “We have to do this, though, or else one of us will leave.”

The two look at Wolfgang, who’s sleeping on the ground. Puck walks up to him and opens his mouth. Wolfgang looks up at Puck, and breathes fire in his face. Puck quickly inches away.

“Wolfgang can’t be trusted..” says Trey. “We have to get the dude out... He says he votes with the wind, too, so that could be dangerous...”

“Shut up, Trey,” Elena says. “Everyone hates him. Even more than they hate me. He could get to the end and lose no matter what.”

“Girlfriend, this is not Survivor,” says Chelsey, suddenly appearing. “Nobody votes for the winner. Although, you’re way too dense to figure that out. I assume that--”

“Do you LIKE me or not?!” Elena shrieks.

“No. Of course not. Like you? Eww. Who would like you? You’re ugly, and orange. And your sense of fashion is totally disgusting. And some of your hairs aren’t the same length as the others. And... Well, yeah. I don’t like you, Elena,” Chelsey says.

“Wow, I NEVER figured that out,” Wolfgang says, stomping over. “Great job making it subtle, Chelsey.”

“Wolfgang, you’re so unpopular, it kind of makes me sad,” Chelsey says. “You might as well just show up to school naked from now on.”

“Well, that would require showing up to school in the first place...” grunts Wolfgang.

“But you know what? I could make you popular. And when you become popular, you’ll thank me. A lot. Wolfie, wait for it, we’re gonna be golden,” Chelsey says dreamily.

“EWW!” yells Wolfgang. “I’d rather drown myself in Puck’s cold tub.”

MacKenzie and Flora suddenly walk up to the girls. “Hey, guys, what’s the plan?” MacKenzie says cheerfully.

“Jump in the fire!” Elena says obnoxiously.

“Uh, no thanks...” says MacKenzie. “I don’t really think that’s the greatest idea. Flora wants Arthur to get out. Is that fine with you guys?”

“The issue about Arthur... He’s a fly who you cannot get rid of. Ever. We’re gonna keep trying to get him out, and he will never leave. Guaranteed.” Chelsey narrows her eyes.

“Okay, well, we have to take them by surprise, and vote out Puck or something!” says Flora sweetly. “Is that bad?”

“...Flora, you go, girl! I like it. Let’s do it,” says Chelsey.

Arthur, Julia, and Puck are playing a video game inside the dorm, while Helga is lying in the corner reading.

“Man, Arthur, is it just me, or do these scantily clad women in this VG make you feel funny?” Puck says.

“Tsk, tsk. Casey would not be impressed,” says Arthur. “But I agree. I’d like Infinity Suit Spamus to tighten my peanuts any time.”

Layla stomps up to the Ralphcakes in the dorm. “What are you doing here? This is OUR cabin. VERONICAAAA!”

“Didn’t this happen last night?” mutters Helga. “Find something different to shriek about. Ugh.”

Veronica comes downstairs, and mouths “sorry” to Helga, but pushes the Ralphcakes out the door.

She then looks at the TV, which is paused on a shot of Spamus. “Oh... uh... what is this?”

“I don’t know. Turn it off. Doc said once that if I stretch my fingers more than two inches, I’ll get diabetes,” groans Layla. Veronica stares at her.

“Anyway, uh, what shall we do?” Arthur says, right as they get kicked out of the house. “Just vote for one of the borewhores? If we do anything else, bad things will happen.”

“Sure,” Julia says. “As long as I don’t have to hear you yammerin’ all night.”

Trey says in the confessional, “The thing about big moves is... They make others pissed... I should know, man... I don’t know who to vote...”

Chelsey says in the confessional, “Okay. This is not going to work. But I’m voting for Elena. I don’t want to waste time by ranting about her for the fiftieth time, but... Yeah. The girl needs to get out. Now.”

Elena says in the confessional, while doing her makeup, “MacKenzie’s hair looks like a rat’s nest. She’s gone.”

While walking to the elimination ceremony, Elena talks to Trey. “Look. I don’t trust you. You’re not like your... I don’t know, your usual depressing self. Do you still have some game left?”

“No...” says Trey. “I have lice, though... Got them one night while sleeping in the jungle... They still itch...”

Roz is shown at the elimination ceremony. “All right, this could be a really anti-climactic vote, or it could possibly be full o’ juicy bits.”

“Heh heh. Juicy bits,” giggles Puck immaturely.

“First seashell goes to Flora!” says Roz. Flora catches her seashell.

“Julia, Wolfie, Chelsey, Arthur, and Puck are also safe!” says Roz.

The six get their seashells. Arthur looks at Julia, and Julia grins evilly.

“Aaaand... Sadly, Elena,” says Roz.

“You guys just can’t get enough of me, huh?” Elena flips her hair, and the seashell hits her in the face.

“Helga, you’re safe!” says Roz.

Helga surprisingly breathes a sigh of relief, as she catches her seashell and it lands on her book.

“Final seashell, guys. MacKenzie and Trey. It goes to...”

“Trey.” Trey sighs.

“Well.” MacKenzie stands up. “I know I’m not the most interesting person, but I want you guys to think on what you did, and why that may have not been a great idea. You see, I came on Revolution to be happy, because I had dealt with a horrible incident. It didn’t work out, and I was out super early. History repeated, it looks like. But I am glad that some people here seem to respect me. Just... Think about your actions, guys. They might come back to bite you. Adios.” MacKenzie walks to the Boat of Losers, gets in, and drifts off.

“Cheesy final words moment. Whooo-hoooooo...” says Wolfgang groggily, but he falls asleep.

“Can’t wait to talk to the editors and make her invisible so it’s super juicy and shocking!” Roz says. “I mean, uh... Tune in next time for more drama and ‘comedy’ on Total... Drama... Superstar Showdown!”

Chapter 8 - The Generic Fishing Chapter

“Last time on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown, the Ralphcakes and the Citrus Fruits competed in a challenge full of sandy fun! Lots of weird stuff happened, such as Chelsey going shirtless, which I’m pretty sure increased our number of viewers by about one million. The challenge took forever and was kinda boring, but in the end, the Citrus Fruits won for the second time in a row! Maybe the Ralphcakes are going easy on the poor guys. Whatever, when the Ralphcakes went to elimination, strategy was tossed to the side so they could eliminate MacKenzie who was apparently boring. Today, I don’t have anything planned, so let’s just see what happens! Hehe. Should be fun. Tune in for more dramatic crap on Total Drama... Superstar Showdown!”

The Ralphcakes are shown arriving at camp after elimination. “I am going to bed, because too much drama gives me hives,” Chelsey says. “And I don’t want to wreck my really smooth skin. Nope.”

Wolfgang sighs, and slumps onto the ground. “Wait! Wolfgang! Come here, we need to have a little chat. It’s about, you know, popularity,” says Chelsey, walking up to him.

“Get away from me,” growls Wolfgang. “I don’t want to hear it.”

“Come on. Yesterday, I told you I needed to make you into a better person. This is gonna make your dream a reality,” says Chelsey. “So, the first thing you need to do is go and find a nice beach, and lie out in the sun for approximately twelve hours...”

“Why are you doing this?!” Wolfgang’s eyes turn wide. “Do you LIKE me? Or is this just some elaborate jazz to make me even more universally despised?”

“To be completely honest, I’m just using you for a vote. But if you’re acting like this the whole time, I won’t want to be around you. So, this’ll make you more likable,” Chelsey says sweetly.

“Wow, Wolfie is really getting it in with those ladies, huh?” says Puck to Flora. “Hey, you’re pretty funny too. What do you think about...”

“Puck, I’m confused,” says Flora worriedly. “Don’t you have other things to worry about?”

“Yeah, y’know...” says Puck. “Casey’s cold, man. Colder than my cubes. I like to keep my options open, too.”

Flora says in the confessional, “I’m kinda confused. First of all, the snobby ones like Elena keep calling me boring, and now Puck is hitting on me? I mean, I should be used to being called boring, but what’s there to hit on if I’m just that...”

“Hey, uh, Helga,” says Julia gruffly. “Tell me somethin’.”

“Hmm, well, it depends,” Helga says, barely looking up from her book. “Does it involve killing people? I’m really getting tired of that.”

“No. Whaddya think about betraying Arthur and getting his fat ol’ butt cheeks out of here next?” Julia says.

“Whoa, look out, we’ve got a faux-strategist over here,” says Helga dryly. “But that’s not a good idea. Don’t let your animosity toward him get to you. Plus, considering the other people on the team, I’d almost say he’s one of the better ones.”

“Hey, guys, does this thing make me look fat?” Elena walks up to the two, wearing a gigantic teapot costume. “Chelsey told me it was the newest style. Ugh, I don’t believe that peasant.”

“Elena... It doesn’t make you look fat... It makes you look really pretty...” says a small voice from the ground.

“SHUT UP!” yells Elena. “I’d rather make out with a dead rat.”

“Gee, you’ve got some great taste,” says Helga rudely. Elena shoots a mean look at her.

There is a rustling in the tree next to them. The contestants look up and see Arthur climbing up the tree, but seeming to be stuck.

“What are you doing now?!” screeches Julia. “You moron, you’re gonna get yourself ki-- actually, I wouldn’t mind that.”

“I am looking for apples to shoot at obnoxious persons’ heads,” Arthur says. “But I am running into some difficulties.”

“Well, I’ll take my suitcase, and I’ll shoot it at YOUR head, and that’ll make you run into some difficulties living,” growls Julia.

“Haters are going to hate,” shrugs Arthur, and he drops from the tree, landing face-first on the ground.

The scene moves to Chelsey and Wolfgang, who are still talking to one another. “Why do you care about what kind of fragrance I use?!” says Wolfgang angrily. “How does it benefit you in any way, shape, or form?!”

“Wolfgang. Listen. You smell like roadkill. You need to get better with your hygiene,” Chelsey says.

“Dude, I’m angered,” Wolfgang mutters. “Just... stop talking to me.”

Chelsey says in the confessional, “I really don’t know what’s up with Wolfgang. The guy thinks I’m out to get him or something. Like, look at me. Do I really look threatening? I mean, I’d be worried if I was getting advice from Elena. But Elena is not me. And he really, really needs to figure that out, otherwise I’ll just boot the guy off.”

The Swagged Out Citrus Fruits are in the house, doing peculiar things, as usual.

Alex is shown walking to the bathroom. He opens the door, and a giant cloud of fog blasts him in the face. The fog clears, and he opens the shower door, revealing a showering Layla, who screams loudly.

“VERONICAAAA!” Layla calls for Veronica. There is a rustling, and Veronica falls through the ceiling, grabbing Alex and escorting him out the door.

Alex walks downstairs and crashes onto the couch, where Nic is watching TV.

“Whatcha doin’?” Alex says. “Is that that one show where the obese lonely men pretend to be hot women on social networks to lure teenagers? Dogfish, right?”

“Yes, yes,” Nic says, as he jots down notes in a pad of paper. “I am studying, for this is the only way to get a girlfriend.”

Alex yawns and stretches out. “Dude. What’s your problem? I feel like you were a lot less creepy back at the jungle. But, uh, I was voted out super early... so, take what I say with a grain of salt.”

“Hmm, Alex, the thing is...” Nic begins, then sighs. “I liked Elena back then, so I tried to act mucho macho. But now, I have realized Chrissy hates me, so I can act like the real me.”

“But, the real you doesn’t wanna be like Alejandro all the time. The real you is probably a nice, friendly dude,” Alex says.

“Nice and friendly? No! Do you really think Abby would like a nice, friendly lad? No, she likes daring men, and she will go away if I turn nice and friendly!” Nic says.

“Whatever. I’m gonna crash, anyway. Night...” Alex says. Right as he closes his eyes, Trick walks into the room.

“Yo. Guys. You and me. Alliances? You up for some strategy talk?” says Trick.

“Ugh, Trick. Dude, I need my beauty sleep. Yeah, yeah, I know about alliances. We gotta take out the threats. You hate women. Blah, blah,” Alex says.

“Yes, Trick, I don’t understand your fixation on taking out the females. They are very, very nice to look at,” purrs Nic.

“What the... Dudes, I never said ANYTHING about taking out girls. Quit putting words into my mouth. We’ve literally eliminated one girl, and that wasn’t even my fault,” says Trick, getting angry.

There is a long pause. Alex then says, “You’re a tool.”

Nic is shown in the confessional. “Yes, yes, Trick is mean, just like Cammy. But Alejandro did take the less likable competitor with him to the finals. And that’s why he won, am I right? As long as I can take Trick to the end, this game will be mine! Mwa-ha-ha-haaa!”

Estrella then opens the door. “Hey, there was an awful smell in here, I was just going to inves--” She looks at the plotting Nic. “Bye.” She then closes the door.

Estrella walks over to the couch, where Chrissy is on her laptop. “I’m getting really, really tired of these people,” says Estrella.

“Uh, hang on a second, I’m trying to reblog something...” Chrissy clicks on something, and then closes her laptop. “K. Done. What’s up?”

“The dudes. I really hate to go all Elena, but there’s something seriously wrong with them. They make Julian look tame,” says Estrella.

“Ew, Elena. That girl is pretty much unbearable,” says Chrissy. 

“Well, you do have a knife here, don’t you...” says Estrella. “But whatever. How’s Nic working out?”

“The kid won’t leave me alone,” says Chrissy. “I guess he still doesn’t get the nine million hints I’ve dropped that I don’t like him at all.”

“Shove sharp objects in his face,” Estrella says sweetly. “That’ll do the trick.”

“Believe me, you think that hasn’t crossed my mind at some point?” Chrissy says. “Whatever. I want to get rid of the guy.”

“You know, I don’t even really care who we get out next...” Estrella says. “I wouldn’t enjoy talking to any of these people in the real world, so there’s that.”

“Wait, aren’t you great friends with Cammy? I feel like you and Trick would have had to interacted at some point...” Chrissy states.

“No. Hate the guy. Cammy is totally unlike her usual self when she’s around him. You think they got better after Revolution ended? They didn’t. Cammy has only contacted me once in the past year, and it was to babysit her pet snake. It was NOT fun,” complains Estrella.

“Heh. I was never really a fan of her, even though she... yeah,” says Chrissy. “Whatever. So, uh, how’s life?”

“Life-y,” says Estrella. She then puts in her headphones and turns on extremely loud music, hinting she doesn’t want to talk anymore.

The scene changes to the challenge, where Roz meets the contestants in front of the lake. “Hey, guys! Whoooo likes fishing?”

“Eww, I hate fish. They’re all gross and slimy,” Elena says. “Like, I don’t want to touch your scales. Catch yourselves.”

“You’re in luck, Elena! Today’s challenge is fishing!” says Roz cheerfully. “Yeah, we got kinda tired of trying to come up with elaborate stuff. So, this one is simple - whoever can catch the most fish in like two hours or whatever wins!”

“‘Like two hours or whatever’? You don’t even give us a time limit?” says Helga.

“Hey. Girl. I don’t go around insulting your methods of doin’ stuff, do I?” Roz says. “Anyway, yeah. You can find boats and fishing poles somewhere. I also told the peeps in town that you’re doing a challenge, so expect distractions. That’s all! Hehe. Bai!”

The Hopalong Ralphcakes are shown walking to their fishing spot. “Ughhh, I hate walking,” whines Elena.

“Grow wings and fly,” says Helga while reading. “And perhaps you’ll fly into the sun and get burnt into a crisp.”

“Oh. My. God. That was a great comeback,” Chelsey says, and looks at Helga. “Gurl, I like it.”

Arthur walks up to a dubious-looking box. “So, these are our materials, eh?” He opens it up, and tons of hooks and lures fall out. “Check it out, Matt,” he says to Trey, while holding up a tiny rubber worm. “This is the size of your... nose.”

“I’m sick of it, Arthur...” Trey says quietly. “How would you feel if I just disappeared... You wouldn’t care, would you...”

“I really wouldn't. You know, I act like ‘The Douche’ to you for a reason,” Arthur says.

“Guys, I know it’s a mind-blowing idea, but how about actually participating in the challenge?” says Helga.

“Since when were you the spokesperson for competing in challenges?!” snaps Julia. “You’re lazier than my great-aunt!”

Flora takes out one of the fishing rods and casts it into the water, while everyone is bickering. She feels a tug on her line, and the line yanks her to the side.

“Yeah. I mean, guys, listen. We want to win challenges, right? We’ve lost two people. In a row. They were both unpopular and kinda weird, but still. This is NOT good,” Chelsey says.

Chelsey and the other girls continue to argue, and while they argue, Flora’s line throws her out to sea. It writhes back and forth through the waves, while she continues to hold onto it and swings around. There’s then a loud “sploosh” and she falls into the water, while her line floats away.

“Man, I love fishing! It’s part of my blood, man. I can even do it with my mouth! Check it,” says Puck. He takes off his shirt and pants, revealing a Speedo, and dives facefirst into the water.

“Heh. Guess he doesn’t remember that he can’t swim and almost drowned last season,” Wolfgang smirks.

“The moron likes to believe anything he can, it gives him greater self-esteem,” Helga says.

Chelsey is shown in the confessional. “This is not a good day. First of all, I wake up and hear Elena being Elena. She’s just yapping about random crap as usual, nothing new. Trey just sits there and tries to make us feel sorry for him, but I know he secretly wants to get in bed with Elena. Arthur’s an obese nuthole who never shuts up, and I lied, he won’t be popular no matter what, even if he lost a hundred pounds. The band Julia is obsessed with is aimed at preteen girls. Wolfgang is okay, I guess, but he rejects any of my attempts to get to know him. And Flora... Wait, she’s actually bearable. Hmm. I could do something with Flora.”

Flora, who looks like she’s trying hard to not get angry, emerges from the water soaking wet and without a fishing pole.

“H-h-hi, guys,” she says, shivering. “Nice job not noticing. I’m used to it, though.”

“And I’m used to getting crapped on by birds daily!” yells Wolfgang. “But do I complain about it?”

“Yes. Yes, you do,” Arthur says frankly.

“Guys, I think you’ve lost the focus of the challenge,” says Flora sweetly. “We’re fishing, right?”

Chelsey looks at Flora. “Yeah, um, come over here, honey. I have something I kinda want to talk to you about.”

Wolfgang is shown in the confessional. “Will the chick ever stop? Earlier this morning, she was trying to get ME to be in an alliance. I don’t even like people. What in the world would make her think I like being in an alliance? Ugh, she bugs me! I’m worried for Flora. She’s too nice to hear about that popularity crap.”

“Okay. I’m gonna make this brief. Flora, you need to become popular. Yeah, I had this chat with Wolfie earlier today. But I have faith it’ll work with you. First of all, what you need to do is buy twenty pairs of yoga pants,” Chelsey explains.

“Yeah, Chelsey, I don’t like yoga pants. I find jeans to be a lot more well-fitting on my legs,” Flora says plainly.

“Well, people don’t like boring people,” Chelsey says.

“Boring? You think I can control my boringness? If so, I would be the most interesting girl ever,” says Flora.

Wolfgang is shown fishing. He hears a bite, and reels his rod in, only to catch a sopping wet Puck instead of a fish.

“Sup, dude?” he says enthusiastically. “Just getting swole!” He flexes, showing off his nonexistent muscles.

“YOU?!” he yells, and releases Puck back into the lake quickly.

“There is literally NOTHING here. Can’t we just go home and watch footage of 1E’s new concert? Ugh, they premiered a new song too,” Julia groans.

“Yes, I’m sure you’d love to see Zane make out with his buxom girlfriend from the four piece girl group Little Dix. That would not make you jealous, now, I assume,” winks Arthur.

“Zane and Perry are JUST FRIENDS!” yells Julia. “Don’t believe everything the tabloids say!”

“Yeah. ‘USA Today’ is totally a tabloid,” Elena says rudely. “Sorry, dude. It was a front page story.”

“Even I know this,” Helga says. “And I barely listen to music.”

Meanwhile, the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits are shown walking to their fishing spot.

“Need some help with that, my dear?” winks Nic, as Chrissy carries the tackle box.

“Yeah, no. I can do it,” Chrissy says gruffly. She then lifts the box on top of her head and continues to carry it.

Layla gets to the fishing spot before everyone else, and stretches out on the ground. “I’m gonna, like, work on my tan and sleep and stuff. Veronica, if you want to get me a Diet Mountain Fizz, that’d be greatly appreciated. Oh, and some crackers too. You know what, just get me a whole box of them. Thaaaaanks.”

“Uh, whatever you say, Layla!” Veronica says, with a hint of sadness in her voice.

“My redheaded vixen, we have to compete in the challenge,” says Nic creepily. “Or, you know, instead you could list the qualities you best liked about Alejandro winning in Denmark. I personally enjoyed his dubbed-in voice. It was all deep and throaty, mmmm.”

“Nic. What are you doing,” says Estrella, who’s simultaneously listening to music and fishing. “That’s--” She tugs on her line and catches a small bluegill. “Ooh, I got one. This is better than nothing, I suppose,” she says. “I still hate you, fishy.” She puts the fish into the small net floating into the water.

“Yeah, I don’t really want to get that thing for Layla... Ooh, maybe I should fish! Cool,” says Veronica happily. “She’s asleep anyway, she won’t notice.”

“You know, I’m really not into the whole fishing thing...” says Alex, while he watches Trick fish.

“Would talking strategy be cooler to you?” asks Trick.

“No, man. I don’t like strategy. Or anything that involves the moving of any kind of muscular joint,” Alex says.

“So, uh, you’re telling me to kill you? Because you said you--” Trick begins.

“Shut up, man. Let me sleep,” Alex says.

There’s a scream, and the boys look over. Sure enough, Nic is making out with Estrella. He finally lets go, and scurries away.

“Why,” Estrella says with no emotion whatsoever. “Just... why.”

“Wait, Estrella, you said you wanted a showmance!” says Nic. “Plus, you enjoy my sexy flair.”

“No. When did I EVER say that,” says Estrella, now shaking. “WHEN.”

“Nic, just go stare at shirtless pictures of Alejandro or something,” says Chrissy angrily, leading Estrella away.

Estrella says in the confessional, “I don’t like Nic, obviously. But you know, Chrissy has some faults too. She just has less faults than everyone else, and I attempt to be nicer to her. Does she think I’m friends with her? No. I’m not really friends with anyone here, except Helga, but she smells like bratwurst.”

“Hey, guys, I caught a fish!” says Veronica happily, holding up a giant bass.

“Nobody cares,” Estrella says rudely.

“So, should I-- Oh, no!” As Veronica is talking, the fish leaps into the water and swims away.

Meanwhile, the Ralphcakes still haven’t made any semblance of progress with their fish catching.

“Mooooooooroahahaha!” Puck says, yelling into the lake. “Mweeeeeeeeh! Roooooooooo! Aioooooo!”

“WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING?!” yells Wolfgang angrily. “My eardrums are being destroyed.”

“Dude, Wolfie, simmer down! I’m trying to summon a whale, because Helga told me that if I did, Roz would totally let us win!” Puck says happily. “You know we can do it! You saw my mad whale-catching skills in Tokyo, right?”

“That was pure luck. Also, Puck, did it ever cross your mind that maybe I was being sarcastic? I know it’s a really hard concept for you to understand,” says Helga snidely.

“Yeah, dude... Also, whales don’t live in freshwater... You should know that...” says Trey quietly. “I wish a whale could have picked me up from Tiki Jungle and brought me back to civilization...”

Elena says in the confessional, “There are times where I don’t know if I want to violently make out with Trey, or punch him in the face.”

Julia is shown with her line in the water. She quickly reels it in, and a giant pike appears. It flops around on her, and she starts to scream, “This thing is bigger than ME!”

Arthur grabs the fish. “You know, if I was not a nice person, I would have left it on. But it could have bitten your nose off, and even though I would have enjoyed that, noses are a vital part of your body.”

“Ugh, Arthur, if you’re gonna be Puber T, at least make it interesting,” Helga says.

“All right, would you like to learn about sexually transmitted illnesses?” Arthur says. “Because I can--”

“GUYS, I GOT THE FISH OFF!” Julia yells, while trying to put the gigantic fish into the net. “Now, if only it could...” The fish bites her. “OWW! Stupid thing!”

Roz randomly barges in, in the midst of all the commotion. “Hey, guys, challenge is over, time to see who won and poop like that. Also, you guys should be lucky that the townspeople didn’t bother you, Smoothie Guy was feelin’ mouthy earlier. So, meet me back there in five!”

In 'five,' the contestants are all shown back at the center of where the challenge began.

“That was totes a throwaway challenge,” Chelsey says. “If you want good ratings, you have to do cool stuff. Like drama. Someone could get murdered, then we could start receiving messages from an anonymous person, and then we could solve mysteries and stuff. That’d be so perf.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. K, so what did ya guys catch?” says Roz.

Arthur holds up the Ralphcakes’ net, while Nic holds up the Citrus Fruits’. Both have little to nothing, but the fish in the Ralphcakes’ net is bigger.

“Ooh! Ralphcakes, that’s a nice beefy pike ya got there. Citrus Fruits... I don’t know what I’m gonna do with a bluegill. So, Ralphcakes win immunity and continue to dominate!” Roz cheers.

“Uh, we lost two challenges in a row,” snaps Julia.

“SHADDAP!” Roz says. “But yeah. Head back to the cabin, boys and girls. Citrus Fruits, you guys get to sleep on the ground tonight.”

The Citrus Fruits are shown walking to their camp. Nic walks up to Trick. “Hola, amigo. Up for some strategy talk?” he says.

“Yeah...” says Trick warily. “But not with you. I’m gonna talk to Alex first, see what he thinks.”

Trick walks up to Alex, who’s asleep. Alex suddenly wakes up. “Man, can’t you see I’m doing something right now? Thanks.” He then falls back asleep.

Nic suddenly appears next to Trick. “Alex is asleep. We can now make our strategic moves!”

“You know, don’t kill me for this, dude. But I kinda want to get Alex out. You know, he does literally nothing in challenges, he's lazy, and earlier he called me a tool,” Trick says.

“I am shocked! Even Al would think you were slimy. While I appreciate your gameplay, I don’t know if I can do it. Alex is a good amigo of mine,” says Nic.

“Yeah, I don’t want to be that mean to the guy. We’ve kinda had an alliance with the start, but since Devin has been gone for a while...” Trick says.

“This strategy talk is quite boring. I’m going to go attempt to flirt with Chrissy,” says Nic, and he struts away.

“Wait, but you were the one who just said you wanted to talk strategy!” calls out Trick. “Well, I don’t even... What?”

“Hi, Nic, what do you want,” says Chrissy as Nic walks over to her.

“I am purely interested in seeing who you want to get out,” winks Nic.

“You,” says Chrissy. “But since I don’t want to be the target of some horrible scheme, I’ll vote with you.”

Chrissy says in the confessional, “I feel kind of sorry for the kid, even though he’s annoyed me for two seasons straight. I might as well try to make an alliance with him, at least I have numbers.”

“I wouldn’t do it,” softly purrs a voice. Chrissy looks down and sees Estrella.

“Estrella, he hasn’t even said who he wants to get out...” Chrissy says.

“Trick,” says Nic. “I am sure you’d agree with that. He is more of a Justin than an Al.”

“That guy’s a pompous douche, but you know, Alex is lazy as well as a pompous douche,” Estrella says quietly. “Or we could get out Layla, but she’s been lying low lately.”

“Hmm... There’s tons of options, guys. Now, Nic, mind getting lost? I don’t want to have to resort to doing other things,” threatens Chrissy.

“Yeah. I still haven’t forgotten your DISGUSTING LIPS ON MY MOUTH,” Estrella snaps.

Nic winks at her, then quickly sprints away.

Roz is shown with the contestants at the elimination ceremony. “Hey, guys! Wow, you’re really dwindling. Seven left, and soon to be six? Woooow.”

“Shut up,” says Layla rudely.

“Now, Layla, normally I’d punish ya for being that rude! But tonight, you get the first seashell!” says Roz, and she tosses Layla a seashell.

“Uh, that’s unexpected. Eww. This seashell is ugly, I want a new one,” complains Layla.

“Too bad! Uh, next seashells go to Chrissy, Veronica, and Estrella! A girl is not going home tonight,” says Roz.

The three all get their seashells, and Chrissy and Estrella smile at each other.

“Nic. You’re creepy and an annoying villain wannabe, but somehow you’re safe tonight,” says Roz, as she passes him a seashell.

“Whoo!” Nic cheers, and the seashell hits him in the head. “Hey, gravity, this gag has been done thousands of times. Be original.”

“Trick and Alex. Nobody really likes either of you. Uh, let’s get this over with. Final seashell goes to...”


Alex, who was snoring, wakes up. “Huh? What? Am I safe?”

“Nah. You got eliminated,” Roz says. “Sorry, bud.”

“...Damn,” says Alex softly. “Whatever. At least I can get some well-deserved sleep. Maybe this game isn’t really that cut out for me... Hey, can someone carry me to the Boat of Losers?”

Chef suddenly walks up to the group, picks up Alex, and throws him into the boat. His head hits the wall and he crumples onto the ground.

“Wow. Try throwing a bit softer next time,” says Alex groggily. The Boat of Losers chugs off into the sunset.

“So, that was a pretty anti-climactic elimination, but I’m not sure why that guy was even brought back in the first place!” says Roz. “Maybe to give hope for lazy people everywhere? He didn’t really do much. Tune in for more random tomfoolery next time on Total... Drama... Superstar Showdown!”

Chapter 9 - All You Need Is Badly-Written Love Notes

“Last time on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown, I was feeling really lazy and decided to have the contestants fish! Obviously it made room for tons of drama, including Arthur being Arthur, Chelsey being Chelsey, and Alex being lazy. The Swagged Out Citrus Fruits’ winning streak didn’t last much longer, for they sadly lost the challenge and were forced to send one of themselves home. Trick was targeted for being a pompous, strategy-obsessed douche, but the girls had other plans and eliminated Alex instead for being lazy and annoying! Nic also got some Estrella action, hitting on her as well as Chrissy... again. And finally Layla has been pretty quiet lately, what could she possibly be up to? Find out all the answers to these burning questions and more today on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown!”

The Swagged Out Citrus Fruits are shown returning from elimination.

“I’m glad we got that guy out,” says Trick. “He really decreased our team’s morale, if you know what I mean.”

“Well, you decrease our morale by simply existing,” Estrella says rudely. “I’m going to bed. Don’t disturb me unless you want to go through a portal and end up in the Dark World.”

“Yeah. Uh, me too,” says Trick warily. “Night.”

“Greetings,” Nic suddenly appears next to Chrissy. “I figure we could socialize, and compare favorites. What say you?”

“Favorite what? Way to make you go away?” says Chrissy. “Look, Nic, I’m really tired and--”

“Now, now, we must do this,” Nic says. “All right. Favorite color? Mine is the deep silky orange of Alejandro’s buff stomach. My dream is to make Abby look like that.”

“Yeah. I like gray. And basically everything except the deep silky orange of Alejandro’s buff stomach,” says Chrissy.

“Swaggy,” winks Nic.

“Yeah, nice try, that’s not a word,” says Chrissy dryly.

“Now, now. Dustin Nutria believes it is,” says Nic. “Speaking of singers... erm, well, that term is used quite loosely when it comes to him, but what is your favorite style of music?”

“You know those really obscure bands that nobody knows about?” asks Chrissy. “Yeah, those.”

“Oh, well, uh, I was figuring you liked spicy mambo music, because, uh...” begins Nic.

“Nope. Hate it. Reminds me of this one Mexican restaurant at home that always plays mambo music and serves burritos, and burritos remind me of this weird troll on Fumblr named Burritos690 who really likes to bother me,” says Chrissy. “That’s one thing you two have in common. Now, uh, mind if I join Estrella in sleeping?”

“Oh, sure, I’ll just bother the males,” says Nic. “Adios!”

Chrissy walks over to Estrella and lies on the ground. “He irritates me,” she whispers. She looks at Estrella, who’s sound asleep.

After a while, Estrella suddenly gets up and screams, “NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” She then drops back onto the ground and continues to sleep.

Chrissy says in the confessional, “Yeah. Estrella. She’s weird, all right. But she’s the closest thing to a friend I can get on this team. I’ll take whatever I can get, and then I’ll just find Julia at the merge or something.”

“Hey, Veronica,” yells Layla. “My lips are feeling reeeally crusty. Mind, like, getting me some lip gloss or whatever? I cannot go around looking like this.”

“Layla, can we do this tomorrow?” says Veronica groggily. “These challenges have taken a lot out of me... I just wanna rest for a little bit.”

“NO!” yells Layla. “Do it. Now. Seriously, Veronica, you sass me way too much, you’re worse than Charles.”

Layla says in the confessional, “DO YOU SEE THESE LIPS. They are as dry as the freaking desert. This is a really, really big deal, and that girl is working my last nerve. Ugh.”

The scene changes to the next morning, where the Hopalong Ralphcakes are chilling out (kinda) in their cabin.

Wolfgang is sleeping on the couch and snoring. Puck slowly creeps up behind him, and starts talking. “Hey. Wolfie! Guess what? Dude, you there?”

Wolfgang continues to snore. Out of nowhere, Puck pulls out a vuvuzela and blows it in Wolfgang’s face obnoxiously, causing him to sputter and wake up.

“Huh-- wha-- WHAT?!” yells Wolfgang. “What the crap was that for? Did I seriously get less than fifteen hours of sleep, AGAIN?”

“Dude, I found out something cool!” says Puck happily. “You gotta come over here.”

“No. It’s not going to be cool. It’s going to be some pointless crap that will be a waste of my life. You know, I’ll never get these twenty seconds back,” complains Wolfgang.

“Aww, come on, man! You’ll like this show that Chels is watching! She wants you to come in, too,” says Puck.

Wolfgang reluctantly gets up from the couch and follows him to the other room, where Chelsey is sitting on the couch watching television, while Flora is sitting next to her and Arthur is on the ground snoring loudly.

“Puck, get out of here, this is a one-on-one thing,” snaps Chelsey. Puck trots away.

“Urgh, what do you want now?” Wolfgang says. “I already tried taking those pills you wanted me to take, they tasted like horrible crap. I’m done with that stuff.”

“No. See this show I’m watching? Well, I figured you’d like it. It’s called--” Chelsey begins.

“Dude, it’s called Teen Wolf and it’s totally up your alley! They even named the show after you! If that isn’t chill, man, I dunno what is!” says Puck giddily, reappearing next to them.

“That is NOT the point, Puck. Go away. What I want to show Wolfgang is the main character’s hair. Look at how perfectly combed it is. This guy is perfect. He has literally no flaws. Second hottest guy I’ve ever seen,” Chelsey says.

“I am assuming the first is Toad, right?” giggles Arthur, waking up. Chelsey glares at him, and he resumes sleeping.

“You think I can get my hair to look like that?” growls Wolfgang. “I don’t think I’ve ever brushed it in my entire life. Good luck.”

“Well, if you do it, then it won’t look like a rat’s nest as much... Look, Wolfgang, I just want to make you more physically appealing,” Chelsey says.

Wolfgang groans, and walks away. “...Or you could do that,” yells Chelsey.

“Chelsey, have you ever tried being nice to people?” asks Flora sweetly.

“Nice? What do you mean? Of course I’m nice. You just, like, get offended at everything. Seriously, gurl. Don’t be so touchy,” says Chelsey.

“Well, you’re nicer than Elena, so that’s a plus. But you don’t have a personality or anything outside of wanting to be popular,” Flora says. “I bet you could be really nice.”

“Aww, Flora, that’s really sweet of you... Wait. Who are you to tell me about not having a personality?!” Chelsey pipes up.

Trey, Julia, and Helga are shown sitting in chairs. “Trey, you’re a useless lump,” says Julia rudely.

“Believe me, I’m used to it...” says Trey. “I was gonna tell you that you’re pretty now that you don’t have red hair, but since you don’t like me...”

“I don’t know why you seem to forget that you were a gigantic douchenugget in your first season,” Helga says while reading a book called The Advantages Of Being A Floorplant.

“Dude, I’m a changed man...” says Trey solemnly. “I’m different...”

“Shaddap, Trey,” says Julia rudely. “Why did you want to steal my moolah, then? Only true douchenuggets do that.”

“It was a compulsive thing, man... Aww, whatever, I’m out of here... Nobody likes me anyway, so it doesn’t make a difference...” whispers Trey, and he crawls away.

Trey walks into the bathroom, but sees Elena already in there just sitting on the floor, reading a magazine. “Eww! WTF, Trey? I was having some private time!”

“Elena. Listen. They’re being huge jerks out there. They think that just because I did some kinda bad stuff, they have the right to belittle me constantly,” says Trey sadly.

“Whoa, what? You’re not all mopey and stuff,” Elena says warily. “Something is up.”

“Yeah. Being here has made me less depressed, and more just like I want to destroy these people,” says Trey.

Elena looks at Trey for a moment, and he then looks at her. She then says, “Wanna make out?”

Trey nods his head, and the two begin to violently kiss each other. After a couple seconds, Elena lets go. “Now, I have to actually go to the bathroom,” she says. He looks at her for a second. She yells, “LEAVE.”

Elena says in the confessional, “Oh, there is no way I’m getting back together with that bum. I’m not that type of girl. But hey, I’ll do anything if it gets me more screentime!”

Once she’s done, Elena stomps out of the bathroom and walks up to Puck, who’s standing by the microwave and eating ramen noodles. She grabs Puck’s noodles, eats them, then throws the empty bowl back into his hands.

“Aww, dude, those were my noodles, what gives?” says Puck disappointedly.

Elena sits on the couch in a huff. “Wow, someone’s grumpier than usual today,” Chelsey says.

“Chelsey. I’m going to go back to hating you in about two minutes, but what do you look for in a guy?” Elena asks randomly.

“Anything but skinny jeans and goth clothing, pretty much,” says Chelsey. Wolfgang makes a snorting noise in the background.

“Well, Chelsey, you will be happy to find out that I do not fit either of those descriptions,” says Arthur randomly.

“Thanks, gurl! Luckily Trey doesn’t either! Bye!” Elena says cheerily, and she leaves.

“...What’s her deal?” asks Flora, after Elena has left.

Roz is seen with Chef Hatchet and Gary, sitting in what looks like the control room. “Guys. This is really, really weird. I got this anonymous note, read it, and it has some pretty freaky chaz in there.”

“A love letter? Heh-heh. Spicy,” chuckles Chef quietly.

“Man, I wish I could have gotten one of those!” says Gary excitedly. “From Meg, obviously. But why did you even call me here?”

“Do ya got any ideas for a challenge?” Roz says. “If not, we’ll do some whodunit thing to see who sent this note to me, and the person who sent it wins immunity for their team.”

“Roz, you’re a really spontaneous and random host...” says Gary. “But I can’t complain! I’ll get the contestants and bring them here pronto.”

The contestants are shown in front of Roz, near a small building in the tourist-y little town. “So, guys. This morning I got a weird love note of some sort. One by one, my buddies are gonna ask ya questions to find out who’s done it, while I go and get my nails done! Bye!” Roz waves, and zips away.

“That girl has some serious issues,” Chelsey scoffs. “...She does know that cool people get manicures after 5:00 PM, right? Otherwise the weather will cause your nails to be all sticky and gross. I do not want that to happen.”

“GRAH-BLARGLE!” A noise is heard, and Smoothie Guy walks out from next to Chef. “What’s up, noodles-in-cups? I’m going to be interrogating the girls, while Chef will interrogate the boys. This will be fun, fun, fun.”

“Girls sending love letters to Roz? Ewww, nobody here is like that,” Elena says rudely.

“Wait, so, is this our challenge or something? You guys are getting lazier and lazier,” Layla says while flipping her hair. “Veronica, can you be interrogated instead of me, BTW?”

“Yes. Now, follow me into the room... We’ve got some work to do,” Chef says in a quiet voice, and then laughs evilly. “Wolfgang? You’re up first.”

Wolfgang mopes into the room, which is dimly lit with nothing but a table, a chair on either side of it, and a lamp. They both sit down, and Chef takes out the note.


“No!” yells Wolfgang. “I don’t like people. Why would I write a letter to Roz? Her squealing frequently punctures my eardrums.”


“MY FACE IS ALWAYS RED!” yells Wolfgang back. “GET OUT OF IT!”

“All righ’, all righ’,” says Chef. “You scare me. Get out. NEXT!” He pushes Wolfgang out from the room, and slams the door.

Meanwhile, Smoothie Guy is in the room with Elena. “Hey. Uh. Elena. Not gonna lie, you’re super attractive. You’re a rude jerk. I’m a rude jerk. We could go perfectly together. Plus, your boobs are huge,” Smoothie Guy winks.

“Hey. I worked hard to get the girls,” Elena says, feeling angered. “I’m not interested in you. I got many more hotties to look for, and your hair makes you look like a girl.”

“But I have a nice, scraggly beard, right?” Smoothie Guy says. “My mom says it gives me this outdoorsy, wilderness survivor-like feel.”

“Smoothie Guy, aren’t you like thirty? I’m not gonna date you,” Elena says, getting more angry.

“Twenty-nine,” scoffs Smoothie Guy. “Also, this conversation doesn’t leave us, okay?”

While Smoothie Guy is talking, Elena seems to be texting on her phone. “HEY! IF YOU’RE TALKING TO YOUR FRIENDS, I’LL--” yells Smoothie Guy.

“Calm down, turd!” yells Elena. “Obviously you’re not gonna interrogate me, so I’m gonna leave.” She walks out of the door and goes back to the other contestants.

Arthur is shown playing with a cube-shaped object. “Yo, man, what’s that?” Puck says happily. “Totes wanna play with it!”

“It’s a Pubik’s Cube,” Arthur explains. “My mother made it for me. Different word on each square, and it can be combined to make enlightening phrases. Hmm, let’s see... If you wake up in the morning while--”

“While being named Arthur, you’re gonna get CONKED IN THE NOGGIN,” Julia yells.

“Heh-heh-heh,” says Chef, grinning evilly from the doorway. “Next victim-- I mean, interrogatee. Trey, come on in here.”

“Why... I’m really not looking for a relationship right now, can’t you just skip me...” says Trey. “I didn’t write the note...”


Trey says in the confessional, “Ugh. Chef scares me. I’ll add him to the list of ‘People I Want To Destroy.'”

Trey mopes into the room, and Chef locks the door. “Greetings,” says Chef evilly. “So. Dude. You’re evil, righ’? Why should I believe you that y’ didn’t write th’ note?”

“Because, man, I’m not evil anymore...” says Trey. “You gotta understand that sometimes people do things that are wrong, but they aren’t wrong themselves...”

Chef scratches his head. “Come t’ think of it, I can barely remember anything evil you’ve eva’ done. Strange. But still, you’re too pale. You’re up to somethin’!”

“Listen. Chef. I’m NOT evil. I voted out people in a game about voting out people. And everyone out there treats me like @#$%. So, just leave me alone and let me get back to moping about my pathetic life,” Trey says, raising his voice.

“Um... All righ’, all righ’. Only ‘cause I have a weak heart,” Chef begins to tear up. He opens the door, and yells “NEXT!”

Smoothie Guy is shown talking to Estrella. “So, Estrella. Tell me what you were doing yesterday at 4:30, right when Roz got this note.”

“Sleeping,” says Estrella flatly.

“All right... Uh...” Smoothie Guy takes out some note cards. “Does your handwriting look anything like this?” He shows Estrella the note.

“Yeah. I totally have bubbly, girlish handwriting,” Estrella says. “Was this written by a chick?”


Estrella walks out of the room while Smoothie Guy is berating her. “Sorry, you forgot to close the door.”

Flora walks into Smoothie Guy’s room. “Hello, Smoothie Guy! Nice weather we’re having, isn’t it?”

“How do you do it?” Smoothie Guy says, wrinkling his brow.

“What?” asks Flora. “I’m confused.”

“How are you so goddamn happy all the time?” Smoothie Guy says, then lets out a deep sigh.

“I just like life, and living it, and lots of the people in it,” says Flora happily. “Even when people are rude to me, I try to be nice to them. But what does this have to do with the note?”

“It doesn’t. But I got a crappy life, man. I need happiness. Those weird pills I took didn’t do anything to help me, just gave me extra amounts of gas,” Smoothie Guy explains.

"Oh," says Flora, and a long period of silence occurs.

“Yeah. I think you’re too innocent to write the note. Get out of here,” snarls Smoothie Guy.

As Flora walks out, Chelsey goes up to her. “Were you all mean to him? OMG, gurl. That could totally bring in the ratings! Were you independent and strong and whatever?”

“Uhh... no,” Flora says. “I was just my normal self.”

“What. The. Actual. Crap. Flora, we need to take lessons on improving popularity and appearance. You know, you need both, you can’t just have one,” Chelsey says. “I’ve told you this a billion times, but the clothes need fixing up...” She starts to jot down more notes.

Chef is shown talking with Arthur. “You’re fat, dude! Y’ need to work out!”

“Not fat. Morbidly obeeeese. Plus, I cannot work out,” says Arthur. “I am way too cool for the gym. I do not want to go to a place with a douche population of over eight thousand.”

“So, are you sure you didn’t write th’ note? Seems like something you would do while prankin’ or whatever,” Chef says.

“Uh... Nope. Didn’t write the note, not at all,” says Arthur, beginning to sweat.

“YOU LIE!” yells Chef. “I’ll put you on my naughty list. Then we can have a chat, later, when everyone is done... Heh-heh-heh.”

Arthur waddles out of the room, and Chef calls to Puck. “PUCK, GET YO’ ICY BUTT IN HERE!”

“Hey! What’s up?” says Puck cheerfully. “Now, obviously I wouldn’t write a note to Roz. I’m dating Casey, who’s way too hot ‘n’ chill for me to cheat on!”

“Yeah. But you could be playin’ around and trying to be all mysterious an’ stuff,” says Chef.

“Whaaaaaaaaat?” Puck says. “Nope. Sorry to burst your bubble, Chef, but I didn’t do it. Wolfie wouldn’t like that!”

“‘Ey! Did Wolfgang write the note? I DEMAND ANSWERS!” yells Chef.

“What are you talkin’ about? He’s way too nice for that! Plus, didn’t you jabber to him already?” Puck says.

“Kid, ain’t nobody ever say jabber,” Chef says. “But I suppose I’ll believe ya. Get outta here.”

Nic walks in. “Hola, Chef, I decided to talk to you.”

“Wait? Didn’t you already go, kid?” Chef says warily.

“No, no,” Nic says. “But I did not write the letter either. Believe me, Alejandro has high standards.”

“Mmm-hmm. I know th’ guy. Not a nice dude, but you on th’ other hand. You could be hidin’ somethin’!” says Chef.

“Of course not,” says Nic. “Now, I need to scoot. Adios.”

“Hmm... That was weird...” says Chef to himself, after Nic leaves.

Smoothie Guy is shown arguing with Layla. “I’m NOT gonna get you a smoothie!” he yells.

“Um, dude? Your name is Smoothie Guy. If you’re not gonna get me a smoothie, then why the crap am I even here?” Layla whines.

“Smoothie Guy is not my name! Did you really think my parents wrote that on my freaking birth certificate?!” says Smoothie Guy.

“Uh, no. But if you’re not gonna get me one, then why don’t you just change your name to ‘Picks-Fights-With-Pretty-Girls-For-No-Reason Guy?'” Layla says.

“Because my mom says it’s a cool name!” yells Smoothie Guy.

“You IRRITATE me!” yells Layla, and she stomps out.

The contestants are seen gathered around Chef and Smoothie Guy, and also Roz, who’s finally back. “Hey, guys! So, we’ve narrowed it down to two people. And both of them are on... the Hopalong Ralphcakes! So, that means you guys lost the challenge.”

“Wait, what? I thought you said that the person who sent the note would win for their team!” says Wolfgang angrily.

“Yeah. We kinda realized that that really didn’t make sense. The note was kinda creepy, and we thought that if we made you guys vote someone out, the person who wrote the note could reveal themselves! Plus, we all know that Trick woulda gone home if the Fruits lost. And we don’t like obvious eliminations,” Roz explains.

“Uh, thanks? Is that a good thing?” says Trick angrily.

“Yep. Now get outta here, guys. We got work to do,” says Roz.

The Hopalong Ralphcakes are walking back to their camp, which has been previously used by the Citrus Fruits. “Ugh. Losing sucks,” Elena says. “Just like Chelsey’s clothing.”

“Mind saying something that doesn’t cause me to feel like I’m losing brain cells?” says Helga while reading the same book she was earlier.

“Yeah. What she said. I like your sass, Helga. They call you the Queen of Sass for a reason,” says Chelsey.

“Who calls her that? I’ve literally heard nobody anywhere call her the Queen of Sass,” Julia says rudely.

“Well, I’ve heard nobody anywhere call you One Erection’s biggest fan, but you claim that in your Tweeter bio,” Helga says snidely.

“Guys, guys,” Arthur says. “Wanna hear a story? I assume so. Okay, so I was coming home on the public bus about a year ago. It was a long day at school, I had to be Puber T all day. Plus I got a detention for that one thing I said to my teacher. I swear, I was at the end of my rope, man, I was FRIED. I was basically half-asleep, so I had no idea what was going on at all. And then I saw this wrapper, and I assumed it was a lollipop, so I put it in my mouth, but little did I know, it was actually the wrapper of a tamp--”

“All right, that’s enough!” shouts Chelsey, interrupting Arthur.

Puck walks out of the house eating a corn dog. “Yo, what are we talkin’ about?”

“Tampons,” says Helga dryly.

“Ooh! Cool!” Puck squeals excitedly and runs over to the rest of the team.

Estrella walks over to the team, and Helga says, “What are you doing here? Thought you figured we weren’t cool enough to talk to.”

“No. Guys, listen. We want to give up immunity to you guys, because there is someone on our team who really just annoys all of us and we want him out,” Estrella says. “Deal?”

“...Why would we ever say no to that?” Chelsey says. “Deal. Gurl, you’re awesome. Now let’s go into the house, guys.”

The Hopalong Ralphcakes move back into the cabin, while the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits all emerge from the cabin and spread out in the grassy knoll.

“Guys, I only got fifteen hours of sleep last night,” whines Layla. “Look. The bags under my eyes have bags under the bags, and that is NOT good.”

“What do you want me to do about it this time?” sighs Veronica.

“Oh, nothing, I was just complaining so I could bother you,” says Layla evilly. “Nothing big. But while you’re at it, can you comb my hair? I encountered a knot earlier.”

Trick walks up to the two girls. “Yo, what’s up, guys?” he says. “I was getting tired of polishing my skateboard. Thought I could chill around you. By the way, why are we out here?”

“We don’t like you,” Layla says rudely.

“Hey, Layla, you could be a bit nicer about it...” pouts Veronica. “But it’s kinda true, I guess...”

“Really? Well, uh, I was gonna try and get out Nic today. He’s kinda rude and weird,” says Trick. “Probs won’t work, but hey, I can try. Thanks for the help.”

Layla says in the confessional, “Charles, if you’re watching this, I miss you sooooo much. Seriously, if you came here, I would be so happy. I hate Veronica, I hate Trick, I hate everyone on this team. I just wanna go home and force you to do things for me instea-- oh, wait, you quit. Never mind.”

Charles is shown in a gigantic mansion, watching Total Drama on a flat-screen TV while wearing a diamond-encrusted towel around his neck and sitting in a large hot tub.

“Oh, my dear Layla, I do hope she is doing well,” he says to himself. “She is known to be quite whiny when she doesn’t get her way... Which is often.”

“I’m gonna go get something to eat, see you in a sec, guys,” says Trick, and he walks away.

Trick says in the confessional, “I really like to think I’m in power on this tribe. I got Layla and Veronica with me, and Chrissy and Estrella will just do whatever. A Nic elimination should really be easy. Plus, I gotta make Cammy proud, and that’s all that matters.”

Nic walks up to Layla and Veronica, who is now brushing Layla’s hair. “Amigo. We need to vote out Trick. He is a douche.”

“Yeah, um, so are you,” Layla says. “Lay off the hair gel.”

“No, but Trick is douchier!” whines Nic. “Come on, girls, you gotta vote for me, he doesn’t even deserve to be here. He’s barely even an all-star!”

“Meh. I’ll think about it. But only if you go to the store tomorrow and get me some 6 Hour Energy, I live and breathe that stuff,” bargains Layla.

“Fine, fine,” Nic says. “I may or may not have a stash of it in my backpack, anyway. Easy pickings.”

Roz is shown at the elimination ceremony, texting. Sure enough, the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits walk up to her and sit on the stumps.

“What the clump?!” says Roz loudly. “B-b-but... You guys won immunity! Are you really... BAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“Yeah. We are. Let us vote already,” Estrella says rudely.

“I’m not even gonna ask questions, cause I wanna be respectful, but... That’s just...” Roz tries to hold in her laughter. “Go vote or whatever. I’m done.”

Estrella is shown voting in the confessional. “Trick’s a pompous douche. Nic’s a creepy scumbag. The choice is obvious tonight.”

Chrissy is shown voting, as well. “Yeah, I think I’m gonna go with this... It’s hard, really.”

The contestants finish voting, and Roz speaks up. “All righty! First seashell goes to Chrissy, I don’t even think you’ve been a target this whole time.”

She tosses Chrissy a seashell, and Chrissy catches it happily.

“Estrella and... You know, let’s just give one to everyone other than Trick ‘n’ Nic,” Roz says. She passes the rest of the girls seashells. “Heh. Trick ‘n’ Nic. That rhymes.”

“Way to make it suspenseful,” says Trick sarcastically.

“The final seashell goes to...”

“Nic. Get outta here, Patty.”

“I guess you weren’t kidding when you said I would go home if we lost. Guys, did you go to elimination just to get rid of me?” says Trick angrily.

“No,” says everyone simultaneously except Estrella, who says “yes."

“Whatever. If you guys don’t appreciate strategy and would rather focus on cartoony, over-the-top gimmicks, that’s fine. You guys can just kiss my--” begins Trick. Before he can finish, Smoothie Guy walks up to him and kicks him in the butt.

“Or kick it. That’s fine too,” says Trick rudely as he walks to the Boat of Losers. “Bye, guys.”

As the Boat of Losers pulls up, Cammy is shown to be sitting on there. Estrella makes a loud gasp from the elimination ceremony.

“Hey,” says Cammy quietly. “This is kinda disappointing.”

“Meh. They can live with it,” says Trick, sitting down next to Cammy. “They just knew I was way too cool, so they booted me out. You’re the only cool one here.”

Trick hears a snoring noise, and sees a sleeping Tolkien on the other side of him, who starts to snuggle with him. “Great...”

The Boat of Losers drives away, and Roz’s voice is heard. “Could this be a contender for Most Obvious Elimination Ever? Ah, well. We tried to make it fun. Anyway, tune in for more random crappy nonsense soon, on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown!”

Chapter 10 - Running Through the Woods on a Generic Evening

“Previously on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown, I got a weird love note from somebody. As a result, the challenge was put on hold, and instead we tried to figure out who exactly that somebody was! We still don’t know who it was, but we now know it was someone on the Hopalong Ralphcakes... And knowing them, there will totally be some drama. Anyway, the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits won the challenge because we wanted the Hopalong Ralphies to create drama by eliminating someone, but in a weird twist, the Citrus Fruits went to elimination! Even though THEY WON THE CHALLENGE! Weird dudes, weird, weird dudes. They got rid of Trick in a pretty much unanimous decision, because he was kinda a tool. Now that he’s gone, the Fruits have only five players left. Will they be completely decimated, or will they pull it together and get to win a challenge? Tune in today to find out on Total... Drama... Superstar Showdown!”

The next morning, the Hopalong Ralphcakes are in their cabin, as usual.

Elena walks up to Chelsey, who’s lying on the couch. “Chelsey. Wake up. We really need to talk.”

“Ugh, what is it?” Chelsey says, waking up groggily. “I’m really not in the mood for your shenanigans, Elena.”

“So, you know, we hate each other, right? I had this idea about us working together and eliminating all the obnoxious morons on our team. It’d be, like, an unexpected duo or whatever. Doesn’t that get lots of ratings?” Elena says.

“You literally said this exact same thing to me a while back,” Chelsey responds. “Episode five, I believe? But yeah. Not gonna happen. Sorry, gurl.”

“Aww, what? Is Trey really the only person I have?!” Elena says. “Can’t I just join your alliance with you and the borewhores, or is that too much to ask?”

“I’m losing PP just by talking to you,” scoffs Chelsey. “Go make out with Trey or something.”

Arthur and Puck are watching unfunny MyCircle videos on Puck’s laptop. “Ooh, is he going to do the cinnamon challenge now?” Puck says happily. “Coooool!”

“This guy is not funny whatsoever,” says Arthur, while watching. “People only like him because he is gay. No remarkable qualities whatsoever.”

“Hey, are you bashin’ gay people? I totally like 'em!” says Puck. “You know, I think Wolfie might be in the closet, so I try to be nice about it…”

“No, I have no beef with gay people whatsoever, even if some of them act like my great-aunt Beverly,” Arthur says. “But some straight people act like her as well. It is not that hard to. Anyway, uh, it’s just that people act like his homosexuality is his entire personality. He’s still a person. And what is up with those hags who say they like ‘the gays’? They treat them like dogs. It’s really not that cool.”

“...Wow, Art, that’s the most logical thing I’ve ever heard you say!” says Puck. “But no, I don’t like the dude ‘cause he’s gay. He’s gay ‘cause I like him! ...Does that make sense?”

Trey, who is peeking out from behind the couch, scurries away and into the confessional bathroom.

“Arthur gave me a great idea,” he says in the confessional. “I am in desperate need of an alliance with anyone other than Elena. I thought I had a crush in her, so I tried to woo her again, but it turns out she’s actually crazily obsessed with me… Yeah, I don’t know how to feel about that. So, I’m gonna go up to the other girls and… we’ll see how this goes. Fingers crossed.” He laughs evilly.

“Hey, Wolfgang, mind if I talk to you about something?” Trey says, walking up to Wolfgang who’s listening to heavy metal loudly.

“WHAT?!” yells Wolfgang, not able to hear Trey. Trey repeats what he said, and Wolfgang takes off his earbuds. “Ugh, this better be important.”

“So, I wanted to tell you something, because I feel like I can trust you…” whispers Trey.

“Dude. I’ve talked to you like once, and you were moping about how much you hated life,” says Wolfgang. “Why don’t you sound all PJ-y?”

“All right, you’re obviously not interested…” says Trey. “I’ll be back.”

“Whoa, trying to act all mysterious and stuff. ‘I’ll be back.' Cool, I don’t give a crap,” growls Wolfgang, and he puts his music back on.

Helga and Julia are sitting in the corner, quietly, doing nothing. Helga is reading a book called The Problem In Our Luminous Celestial Bodies while Julia is on her phone.

Suddenly, Julia lets out a shriek and throws her phone onto the ground. “DANG IT!”

“Jesus,” Helga says. “Can’t a teenager get time to do the greatest thing on the planet?”

“UGH!” yells Julia. “Zane and Perry are engaged! Do you hear me?! ENGAGED!”

“Yeah, I really don’t care, sorry,” Helga says. “I bet Arthur would care, though… and make a really dumb joke about it. But whatever.”

“No, but that means I can’t date Zane, omg like I’m so heartbroken,” says Julia, who does not look heartbroken in the least, or any emotion at that matter.

“Hey, there’s always Larry,” says Helga. “If you can get past his… feminine qualities.”

Julia punches Helga in the gut, and Helga barely even flinches. “You know, you should really work out,” says Helga snidely.

“...Oh, great. Look who’s coming over here,” groans Julia. Sure enough, Trey walks over to the two girls and sits down next to them.

“Hi…” he mutters. “I wanna tell you guys something…”

“Scram,” Julia says. “You’re a turd-licker. Nobody here likes you. Go make out with an Oompa Loompa, you can easily find one.”

Trey stares at Julia, then walks away quickly.

“Hey, what if he wanted to ask you out? What girl can resist pasty white skin, extremely greasy dreadlocks, and a brooding, angsty personality?” Helga says. “I mean, just look at those vampire movies.”

“Nah. He was probably gonna mope about how ugly and dumb he is. You know, I bet he has no friends at school. And if he does, they’re probably all pretty ugly,” Julia says.

“Hmm, yeah, I don’t know if you should be calling others ugly,” Helga says.

“HELGA! I thought you were my friend, and don’t most teenage girls call each other pretty?!” Julia shrieks.

“You’ve known me for a year, I would have thought you’ve figured out by now that I’m not ‘most teenage girls,'” says Helga.

Trey then walks up to Flora, who’s texting. “Hi!” she says happily.

“Flora, you’re pretty generic, I mean nice…” says Trey quietly. “Can I trust you with something…?”

Trey, who is gloating evilly in the confessional, says, “Perfect! Flora’s complete lack of a personality will make sure she doesn’t do anything dumb when I tell her. She’s a complete sheep, she’ll be in my alliance in no time.”

“Yeah, sure! What’s up?” says Flora blandly.

“Well, uh… I’m gay…” Trey says quietly. “Nobody heard that, right?”

“Oh! You are?” Flora says. “Well, that’s cool!”

“Dang it!” says Trey angrily. “I mean, uh… okay. Thanks for letting me tell you. Bye…” He scurries away.

Flora says in the confessional, “Trey is a weird dude… If he’s actually telling the truth about being gay, why was he making out with Elena earlier? Maybe this is something I should tell Chelsey about, she could know how to deal with it.”

The scene changes to the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits, who are in the yard.

Chrissy is on her laptop, and Estrella is sleeping and not moving at all. Veronica walks up to them. “Hi, guys!” she says.

Estrella suddenly wakes up. “Oh, you’re not being Layla’s Charles for now? Lucky.”

“Oh, uh, she’s asleep,” Veronica says. “But I needed your help on something. I’ve kinda gotten completely tired of Layla, so I’m gonna stop working for her once and for all. I’m tired of being a doormat!”

“Heh, heh,” Chrissy says gruffly. “Yeah, being a doormat is kinda part of your personality. Have fun trying to be different, kid.”

“No, Layla is a meanie. I’m going to stand up for her,” Veronica says. “Despite the fact that it may just seem like me and Amanda all over again... Hey, what happened to me being independent after that?”

“Apparently nothing,” Estrella says.

“Yeah. I’m going to go up to Layla, and… Oh, she’s sleeping,” Veronica says. “Yeah, that can wait until later. But I’m gonna do it!”

“Check back in with me in 24 hours, and I’ll judge you on if you have or not,” says Estrella

“YES! YES! YES! YES!” A voice is heard from behind the trees, and a shirtless Nic bursts out. “Oh, did you fellows hear what I heard? Alejandro is back for Total Drama: All-Stars! Fierce queen Al!”

“Uh, that might be the most cringeworthy string of words I’ve heard in my life,” says Chrissy.

“Alejandro did nothing,” Estrella says. “And he says he’s Latino? Yeah, he has to have a spray tan. Look at me, I’m white as a ghost… not that I’m complaining, of course. That ability is excellent at night.” She grins evilly.

“You do know he’s still in the robot suit, right?” Chrissy says nonchalantly. “No idea how that guy hasn’t healed yet.”

“Oh, they are keeping him in as a dramatic reveal,” winks Nic. “So, midway into the season, he will come out of the Drama Machine... SHIRTLESS! And they will be blinded by his buff ab belly, obviously.”

“Hey, guys!” says a voice. The four turn around and see Roz, who’s sitting right behind them. They gasp in shock. “Oh, didn’t know I was here? Haha. Well, I am! Aaand, it’s time for the challenge, so get your butts on down to the forest.”

“The forest? Oh, god…” Chrissy says.

After all the contestants have gathered at the beginning of the forest, Roz is shown explaining the challenge. “All right, guys! Today’s challenge is a nice little footrace.”

“Aww, MAAAAAN!” yells Puck obnoxiously.

“Yeah! You guys better have brushed up on your runnin’ skills, because you’re gonna need it. So, there’s a finish line on the other side of the forest. It’s… I dunno, six or seven miles? Something like that. Lots of hills too,” Roz explains.

“Pssh, I bet there are also mailboxes that are actually tombstones, right?” Chelsey scoffs.

“Nope!” says Roz. “There are regular tombstones! Also, impressed you remembered that, gurlie. Not everyone from Revolution is that sma… wait, you’re the only peep from Rev left!” Roz takes out one of those party horn blower things, and blows into it, making an obnoxious noise. “Congrats, Chelsey, blah blah. All right.”

“Nobody cares,” says Elena rudely.

“It’s true, though. The rest of the people from Rev were freaks. Not surprised at all that I outlasted them,” Chelsey says.

“Cockiness… ah, that is sexy,” sighs Nic longingly.

“SO ANYWAY!” yells Roz. “The person who makes it to the finish line first wins immunity for their team. You know the drill. Shouldn’t be too hard, so… yeah. Just don’t get lost or whatever, we got interns out there to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

The contestants move to the starting line, and Roz takes out a pistol. “Don’t worry, this thing only fires blanks,” says Roz. “Anyway… on your mark… get set…”

“WAIT!” Puck says. “Yeah, gotta tie my shoelaces.” He bends down and looks at his shoes. “Uh…” He examines the shoes and attempts to determine how to tie them. “Can you guys give me, like, five seconds? I’ve got this.”

“Ugh, my legs are starting to ache from just standing here,” whines Elena.

“All right. Take it easy. I’m almost done. I just gotta…” Puck slowly pulls the lace through the loop after about a minute. Wolfgang then storms up to him, violently yanks the shoe off of his foot, and chucks it into the woods.

“There, nothing to worry about, now can we START WITH THE CHALLENGE?” says Wolfgang angrily.

“Yep!” says Roz. “On your mark… get set…” She fires the pistol. “GO!”

The contestants take off running into the woods, and eventually come to a fork in the road. The entire Swagged Out Citrus Fruits team except Layla and Veronica take one path, while those two plus the entire Hopalong Ralphcakes team take the other path.

Arthur is already struggling. “You… know…” he wheezes. “I’m a bit… hefty… Yes, running is not my strong suit…”

“Agreed, bro!” says Puck, while breathing extremely heavily. “Maybe if I got onto your back, that’d work… I wouldn’t have to… run…”

“What…” Arthur pants. “That would just make it more impossible for me… Even though I am morbidly obeeeese and could easily support your flabby body.”

“Arthur! SHADDAP!” yells Julia, while running. “You know, if you pace yourself, it’s not that hard…”

“Good idea,” says Arthur, and he sprints up ahead. Right then, his watch beeps and he pulls out the red underwear and places it on his head. He runs up next to Elena. “So… did you pay for those?” he says, while wheezing.

“What? Ew, no, these are all natural,” Elena says, obviously quite offended. “...Who gets hair extensions anymore?”

“Yes, because when girls are going through puberty, the amount of hormones they have somewhat determines how large their… Forget this, I am way too tired to be Puber T,” Arthur says. He grabs his underwear, yanks it off his head, and throws it into a lake nearby.

“Man, you can’t get rid of Puber! He’s taught me more than I’ve ever known!” Puck says, slowly becoming more and more out of breath. He jogs to the lake, and picks up the underwear, where a small minnow is flopping around on top of it.

“Ew, I hate fish… They make me barf,” whines Trey, while jogging.

“This is my new buddy! His name is Versace,” Puck says. “He and I are gonna be BFFFLs! Best Fish Friends For Life! I’m not a fish, but it’s still chill, yo.”

“Yeah, you’re not cool at all, Puck,” says Elena. "Stop with the rap-speak, will you? Go listen to country music."

“CAN WE NOT TALK WHILE I’M TRYING TO RUN?” Wolfgang yells, and sprints ahead of the rest of the group.

“I love how you try to resolve the problem by talking even more,” Helga says snidely. The other team members look at Helga, and she’s walking.

“HEY! Helga! Roz is gonna get uber-pissed if she sees that! Knock it off,” Julia says.

“What? She never said we couldn’t walk. Plus, I was in my school’s powerwalking club freshman year,” Helga says.

Helga says in the confessional, “My mother tried to get me to do sports so I wouldn't just read all day. I joined the club that defined ‘sports’ the most loosely.”

“Screw this, I am walking too,” Arthur says, as he stops running and slows down to Helga’s pace. Puck nods his head in agreement and stops as well.

“Wh-- wha-- but-- ugh, you guys are just afraid that people will see how unathletic you are,” Elena whines.

“Yeah. It’s not like you can run well either, what with those funbags weighing you down,” Julia scoffs.

“Hey, can you shut up with the boob jokes? Your guys’ jealousy is pretty hilarious,” says Elena.

“Aww, Elena, Julia is trying the breast she can,” Arthur says, trying extremely hard to not burst into laughter.

Trey says in the confessional, “I didn’t think they could get any worse. If I want to carry through with this strategy, there’s really only one person I can talk to…”

Layla and Veronica are shown somewhere in the forest. Layla is lazily walking, and Veronica is running slowly. “Come on, Layla, can’t you at least jog?”

“Nope,” Layla says condescendingly. “These sandals cost, like, a thousand bucks. There is no way I’m gonna wreck them just for some dumb challenge we’re probs gonna lose anyway.”

“Look, Layla, I’m sick and tired of your…” Veronica begins. “Never mind.” She keeps running.

Layla perks up. “...What was that?”

“Oh, nothing, I just find it kinda dumb how you force me to do stuff, and nobody else on the team,” Veronica says.

“But… you’re my new Charles! You even agreed!” says Layla, seeming sad.

“I really was just trying to appease you, Layla,” says Veronica. “I’m getting tired of it.”

“No, you’re just a living doormat,” scoffs Layla. “Get a personality or something. Hmph.” She gives Veronica a rude hand gesture, and skips away.

Veronica says in the confessional, “I really think that I should work on improving my social skills with the others… Despite Nic being creepy, I could easily get him to help me out with whatever. I just don’t wanna be called a doormat, man… although, I suppose it’s better than being called boring.”

Layla runs up to where Chrissy and Nic are, both of whom seem to be trying to outrun each other.

“Now do you believe that I’m all athletic and stuff?” says Nic, who’s about 0.0001 inches ahead of Chrissy.

“Nah,” says Chrissy apathetically. “...Oh, hey, Layla. Glad to see you here.”

“Yeah. Your sarcasm is funny,” Layla says. “NOT! So, like, I totally just told off Veronica. She has no friends now. How about we boot her tonight?”

“Are you really strategizing while we’re running in a challenge?” Chrissy says. “Not that I care, though. I’m barely tired at all.”

“Yes… Neither am I…” says Nic, who despite what he may be saying, seems extremely tired.

Chrissy says in the confessional, “Layla’s really unlikable. At the same time, she’s likable. I don’t know how that’s possible. Sometimes I want to punch her in the face, and sometimes I actually feel like she’s a decent human being… She’s spoiled, though. Like, I don’t know what prompted this sudden personality change between Tokyo and now, but… whatever. She irks me.”

“Man, I didn’t think physical activity would be this taxing,” says a faint voice.

“Estrella?! Where did you come from?” Chrissy says, turning around to see a sweaty Estrella.

“I don’t know, but I’m currently excreting about five gallons of sweat per second,” says Estrella.

“Yeah. Same,” Chrissy says, and she pulls off her shirt, revealing her sports bra. “Don’t even THINK about it.” She glares at Nic.

The finish line is shown. Roz is standing there, holding hands with Red, who’s holding a video camera in his other hand. “So then, he said he was gonna go visit his dying friend and told us he 'may or may not come back,' and he left us at the ice cream store for a @#$%in’ hour and a half. Chappy was gone for an HOUR AND A HALF. Ugh, he’s such a weird dude, but I love him anyway,” Roz gushes.

“Hey. That’s awesome,” says Red, devoid of any emotion.

“Ugh, babe, you’re so boring todaaaay. Get a personality or s-- ooh, is that the contestants?” Roz looks at the forest, where a group of people is shown running out.

“I’m gonna go take a leak. Be back in five,” Red says coolly, and he vanishes into the forest.

Soon after, Flora and Layla come sprinting out of the forest. “RED! C’MERE! WE GOTTA VIDEO THIS TO SEE--” But, before Roz can finish yelling, the two cross the finish line at the same time.

“Yay, I won!” Flora says happily, jumping up and down.

“Um, boring girl, look at me. I won. Obviously,” Layla scoffs.

“Roz, did you see which one of us won? I wanna be fair,” says Flora, concerned.

“Pssh. I don’t. Um, I won, gurl. Deal with it,” Layla says rudely.

Roz turns over to them. “Ugh, guys, I’m sooo sorry. Red was takin’ a wazz, and of course I put him in charge of seeing who crossed the finish line first. I guess both teams are gonna go to elimination, then!”

“Aww, noodles-in-a-sack!” yells Layla.

“I’ve noticed that the noodles have been appearing in substantially larger containers lately,” Arthur says, walking up to the others. “Yo, Roz, did we win?”

“Nope!” says Roz cheerfully. “Double elimination! That’s cool, because I was startin’ to wonder when we were gonna have one of those. So, uh, go back to camp. Both teams have the cabin, since the Citrus Fruits are basically nonexistent and I’m nice. Bai!”

At the cabin, Chelsey is sitting on the couch and watching Nebraska Shore, unsurprisingly. Trey walks up to her and sits down.

“Hi, Trey, you should really think about using some hair gel or something,” says Chelsey, not looking away from the TV. “What sort of moping are you going to subject me to this time?”

“No, uh, I was actually gonna talk to you about something, I feel like I can trust you…” Trey says.

“Me, out of all people? Um, people don’t trust me, they’re usually just jealous of me. But seriously, what’s up?” says Chelsey.

“I’m gay, Chelsey…” Trey says quietly. “Oh, god, did Arthur hear that?”

Arthur peeks out from behind the couch. “Heeeere’s Artie!” he says disturbingly. “Mattyboy, I find it dubious that you came out of the figurative ‘closet’ the same day as I conversed with Puck about people only liking that MyCircler because he was gay. But I won’t question your methods.”

“First of all, where do you even get these nicknames…” says Trey. “Also, uh, I didn’t choose to be gay… It was a coincidence, I guess… I didn’t even hear your dumb conversation…”

“So that’s how it’s going to be,” says Arthur. He narrows his eyes. “I’ve got my eye on you, Santa.” He then waddles away.

“Trey, that’s soooo great! There are, like, 2 openly gay dudes at school. They’re actually twins. Who knew? But they have like a million PP just for having the balls to come out like that. I am really happy for you right now, like you have no idea!” Chelsey squeezes Trey tightly and squeals. Trey’s cheeks turn red.

“So, uh… Do you think of me any differently?” asks Trey, after a long silence.

“Um. I guess? Like, now I know why you’ve been acting kinda… different,” Chelsey says. “Were you struggling with it on Tiki? I TOTALLY understand.”

Julia, Helga, and Chrissy are shown up in the Ralphcake girls’ room.

“So, uh, guys. I feel REALLY sorry for you. Yeah, I got Nic on my team, but you guys have…” Chrissy shudders. “Arthur. And Puck. And Trey, too.”

“Next thing you know it, boom! Another tribe swap. Nic’s gonna come back over here, I bet. Why haven’t you gotten rid of his ribby ass anyway?” Julia grunts.

“Because she obviously has sexual tension with him,” says Helga without looking up from her book.

“Yeah, Helga, shut up,” says Julia. “It’s not like you don’t have sexual tension with Arthur. I’ve seen the way you look at him.”

“Yeah, because I totally look at guys I like with the expression I use when I smell my mom’s casserole,” Helga says. “Seriously, that thing is a horror.”

“Mhm. Interesting. I don’t like Nic, sorry to burst your bubble, but yeah. He’s a creep,” says Chrissy.

“Uh, who are we booting?” says a voice from the corner. Estrella peeks out, once again.

“Jesus, Estrella, you need to start telling me when you’re in the same room as me,” says Chrissy. “But, uh… I really couldn’t care less. Veronica, I guess? Nic? Whoever.”

Veronica is shown with Layla. “Uh, I’m surprised you haven’t asked me to get anything for you,” Veronica says.

“Ew. I don’t really need you to get me stuff anymore,” Layla grunts.

Elena is then shown walking up to Arthur and Puck, who is playing with Versace who’s now in a plastic bag filled with water. “Hi. You’re ugly and smell like peanuts, but I need to talk to you.”

“What is up?” Arthur says. “Need any tips to become even more plastic?”

“Nope. We’re booting Trey tonight. You hear me? I gotta go, I don’t want my social status to be ruined. But vote Trey, or else you’ll wake up tomorrow underwater,” threatens Elena.

“Matt? Aww, it’s so fun to say pointlessly rude things to him, though...” says Arthur “Yo, Cornelius. You up for booting him?”

“Hm?” Puck looks up. “Oh, yep. I’m feeding Versace Wolfie’s German truffles! Wolfie said earlier that nobody should touch them or he’ll break our arms, but that doesn’t apply to fish… I don’t think. Also, Elena, don’t ya have a ‘mance with Trey?”

“Ugh. I used to. That guy’s creepy,” Elena says. “Plus, he’s just gonna do more villainous crap, and he’s a REALLY bad kisser. So, yeah. Vote him.” She then walks away.

“Oh, did you know Trey is gay? Weird, right?” Arthur says, after Elena has left. “I do not care, though.”

“He is?! That explains his total flamboyant-ness! I was kinda wary when I found out I wasn’t the only straight guy who worshiped Bonjour Doggy… But that’s still cool,” Puck says. “Now I don’t wanna boot him! But he’s a douche, so I gotta, yo. Hang on, I gotta put Versace in the freezer. He’s lookin’ ill.”

The Hopalong Ralphcakes are shown at elimination. “Hey, guys. Literally no idea where this vote is gonna go,” Roz says. “I’m sure you guys wanna know, so I’ll get to it! First seashell goes to Flora.” She tosses Flora a seashell.

“Helga, Puck, Julia, Chelsey,” says Roz, and the four get their seashells.

“Wolfgang, and sadly Arthur,” says Roz.

“Woot,” says Arthur as he grabs his seashell.

“Elena. Trey. You’re both unlikable, and kinda jerks. Who will survive? Find out in approximately ten seconds. Final seashell goes to…”

“Trey.” Trey catches his seashell and smiles faintly.

“Haha. Very funny. This is an overly long gag, can you just say you were kidding and give the seashell to me already?” Elena says.

“Nope, uh… you’re actually out, Elena. GTFO,” says Roz.

“WHAT?! Trey, we had a showmance, you turd,” says Elena.

“Yeah, uh, Elena? Trey is gay. Sorry, gurl,” says Chelsey, and she waves goodbye to Elena evilly.

“WHAT?!” says Elena, again. “Uh, nice try, but I don’t believe it. Anyway, I’m glad I’m out. Don’t have to live with you guys anymore, and now everyone will mention me on those fan forums as being a robbed goddess, so HA! The joke’s on you, suckers. I’m out. Peace.”

Arthur makes a smug face and nods his head. Elena shoots him a rude gesture, and gets into the Boat of Losers.

“They were gunning for you, Father Xmas. I voted for you, but congrats on being a shrew who is able to escape elimination constantly,” Arthur says.

“Yeah, I wanna be alone right now…” says Trey meekly. The Ralphcakes walk away, and the Citrus Fruits walk in.

“Hi, guys! The Ralphies just voted someone out. That person will not be revealed to the public,” Roz says enigmatically.

“Uh, yeah, about that… We all can see that it’s Elena,” says Chrissy, pointing to the Boat of Losers where Elena sits sulking.

“Now, you all have voted, and…. ooh, this is juicy. Time to get to the vote! First seashell goes to Layla, congrats gurl!” She tosses a seashell to Layla.

“Estrella and Nic. Nice job!”

“Why are you being so oddly enthusiastic?” says Estrella. “Eh. I shouldn’t be complaining.”

“Veronica. Chrissy. Both of you are cool, but maybe a bit too cool? All right, the final seashell goes to…”

“Veronica!” Roz tosses Veronica her seashell.

“All right, uh, maybe I’m a threat or something? I’d like to see you guys’ reasoning for this,” scowls Chrissy.

“I swear, I did not do it…” says Nic, trying to hold back tears. “It was Layla and the demonesses. Chrissy, mi amor, I will always be a loyal dude…”

“Uh, Nic, you can drop the Alejandro thing, it’s gotten to the point where I’m really not impressed by it anymore,” says Chrissy.

“Yeah. Sorry, Chrissy, you’re a cool person, but we thought you could have ties to Julia and Helga due to talking to them so much… And we don’t want traitors!” says Veronica apologetically.

“Ever thought it was because I liked to talk to them and thought they were cool people?” says Chrissy angrily. “Meh. Back to spending most of my life on Fumblr, I guess. Bye.”

Nic follows her slowly as she walks to the Boat of Losers. Chrissy sighs. “Fine, but only to get you to stop being stalkerish. Although, it didn’t work last time…” She kisses him on the cheek for about half a second.

“Man, I will cherish that kiss forever! Thanks, Chrissy!” Nic rips off his shirt, kisses his biceps, then waves goodbye to Chrissy, who gets on the boat next to Elena.

“Your hair is ugly. Get rid of it,” Elena says, as the boat drives off into the sunset.

Chapter 11 - The Fast and the Foodious

“Last time on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown, I got lazy and made the contestants run in the woods. Heehee, I’m evil. But yeah, Puck got a new fish, Trey pretended to be gay, and Elena got reeeeally pissed. So they voted her out! Good riddance, she was really not that nice of a person. On the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits’ side, they had to vote someone out too due to my boyfriend being totally irresponsible. They voted out Chrissy due to her relationship with Julia and Helga. So, I feel like there’s gonna be a lot of juicy stuff happening today. And there’s only one way to find out what’s gonna happen! Tune in now to see it all, right here on Total… Drama… Superstar Showdown!”

The Swagged Out Citrus Fruits are seen walking back from elimination. Nic is rubbing his cheek, in awe.

“You know she just did that to appease you, right?” Estrella says.

“She knows she wants it,” says Nic, putting on sunglasses. “#NIC.”

Nic says in the confessional, “I just realized this. I’m on a tribe with only women. How have I not cared about that until now?! Yeah, Chrissy was sexy, but I gotta work my manly charms on all of the other ladies! This is gonna be super fun.”

“Yeah. Have fun with that. I’m going to sleep,” Estrella says, and she walks into the cabin.

“Where did she…” says Nic. He walks up next to Veronica. “Hello, Ronnie. I’m cold. Want to cuddle?” He winks at her.

“Uh, I guess… Hey, as long as you can get me away from Layla, I’m good,” whispers Veronica.

Nic and Veronica both lie down, and Nic puts his arm around her. Veronica looks at him warily.

Veronica says in the confessional, “Nic is a weird guy… He’s nicer than Layla, but I don’t know if he’s just putting on an act because he wants to date me. I’m not in the mood for that, really. I don’t really go for relationships, most dudes are douches or creeps, and Nic might actually fit into both of those categories.”

“Yeah, Nic, sorry. I don’t really want to cuddle right now, I’ll just-- wait, can’t we sleep in the cabin? Yeah, sorry,” says Veronica, and she walks into the cabin.

“Ah, well. She is in denial,” says Nic after Veronica has left.

Arthur is in the cabin, watching TV and eating from a large bag of chips, while Julia and Helga are sitting next to him.

“Ooh, the Citrus Fruits are comin’ in. Let’s see who got eliminated,” chuckles Arthur.

The Citrus Fruits walk through the door, and Julia notices that Chrissy is gone. “THOSE SCUMBAGS!” she yells.

“Hm?” Helga looks up from her book, which is called The Positively False Diary of a Full-Time Native American.

“Yeah. Look. Chrissy. She’s gone,” Julia snaps.

“Okay, you guys have literally no souls,” says Helga snidely. She then goes back to reading her book.

“That is a pity. I really did like Chrissy,” says Arthur. “Not just because of her ample chest area, I like a girl who could beat me up if I was naughty.”

“Arthur, Chrissy has told me she wants to punch you in the groin numerous times. BTW, I feel the same way,” says Julia.

Puck and Wolfgang are sitting on the couch. Wolfgang is listening to metal music, while Puck is feeding Versace what looks like bread crumbs.

“Hey. You,” Wolfgang takes off his headphones. “Where are my German truffles? I was gonna eat some earlier and they were mysteriously gone.”

“Oh… Uh… They grew legs and walked away. Saw it happen. It was pretty weird, yo,” Puck says.

“DID YOU EAT THEM?!” roars Wolfgang. “My aunt got those for me while she was vacationing in Bavaria, and if you took them, I will DESTROY YOU!”

“Nah, nah, nah! Nah, nah, nah!” says Puck. “Why would I do that? I’m your bro, Wolfie!”

Wolfgang makes an extremely loud grunting noise. “You wish.”

Wolfgang is shown in the confessional. “I'm one step away from throwing him into the ocean. I wish I could socialize with the other teammates. I wish I could socialize in general. But HE NEVER LEAVES ME ALONE.”

“So, Trey,” Chelsey says, on the ground sitting next to him. “Do you like rainbows and stuff? You kinda dress monochromatically, for a gay man. Ohhhh, wait, are you still in the closet?”

“No…” says Trey. “I’m not flamboyant…”

“Oh. Okay. Uh, do you wear male makeup? I’m just curious, cause like…” says Chelsey.

“Chelsey. Don’t believe every gay stereotype,” says Trey angrily. He then goes back to his normally expressionless face.

“Umm, sorry?” Chelsey says. “Sorry. I was just trying to help. But if you’re gonna be a diva about it, then no.”

Trey says in the confessional, “Chelsey is actually a really obnoxious person. First of all, she’s completely believing my gay facade. Who does that? I mean, everyone on this team does… They’re really all morons. Glad to see nothing’s changed since I last played. Heh.”

“Hi, Trey! What’s up?” says Flora, walking over to Trey.

“Oh… Uh, the ceiling…” says Trey quietly.

“That’s cool,” grins Flora nicely. “I really like ceilings. Especially when they have good paint jobs on them, I think that’s cool.”

“Nice…” says Trey. “Uh, your hair is really straight…”

“Thanks! It’s natural,” says Flora. “People say it looks like beaver dung. I feel really sad about that, though.” She frowns.

“GUYS! COME QUICK!” yells a voice. “I gotta challenge for you already!”

“Looks like Roz is in trouble. Who cares? But we should go outside,” Helga says. “If only so we can get this cabin again, though. Lots of nice spots... For reading.”

Roz is shown outside. “Guys, we’re getting on a boat, time to go now!” She leads them to a boat.

“Whoooo! Swimmin’! Man, I wonder if Chappy will be on the boat?” Puck says.

The boat starts to move. “All right, in order to not waste time, I’m gonna tell you guys some stuff. We’re on a lake right now. We’re gonna go across this lake. There are cars, and you guys are gonna drive in them to get to your destination, which is Mickey D’s,” says Roz. Everyone groans. “What’s all the big fuss? I’m hungry. I want a Filet-o-Fish. That’s it. I DO NOT eat any meat other than fish, so if you get me something else, I’ll kill you!” She smiles sweetly.

“Man, I can’t eat fish! That’s cannib… oh, wait, fish are my natural diet… Uh, never mind,” says Puck.

“Also, get me a caesar salad. Those things are super good, even if their vegetables taste like plastic. And some fries, and a McFlurry. That’s about it. Oh, and be back by tonight or you automatically lose the challenge. Happy finding!” says Roz, just as the boat pulls up to the dock at the mainland.

“Uh, how are we supposed to get there?” says Flora.

“I dunno, maybe you could DRIVE?!” says Roz. “I’m sure one of yous has a license.”

The Hopalong Ralphcakes run over to a large van, which is parked there. “YES!” yells Wolfgang. “We’re finally hijacking a car from an innocent bystander! My day just got fifty times better.”

“Wolfie, check out Versace! He’s blowin’ bubbles!” says Puck. He presses the ziploc bag that contains Versace up to Wolfgang’s face, and Versace is doing absolutely nothing, just floating there.

“Uh, Puck, I don’t know if he’s… alive,” says Chelsey, getting into the driver’s seat. “Also, guys, I can drive. So, I’m gonna drive. Deal? Deal.”

“I call shotgun!” says Flora, getting into the front seat. “I really like looking out the window and seeing cute animals and stuff!”

“Yeah, cute DEAD animals,” growls Wolfgang. “Chelsey, you better not be a reckless driver. I don’t like dead stuff.”

Helga and Julia get in the middle seats. Helga takes out her book from earlier. “Don’t talk to me,” she scoffs, and starts to read. Julia grumbles something, and puts on her uPod and starts to listen to 1E.

Trey gets into the back left, and starts crossing his fingers. Arthur plops down next to him, and Wolfgang sits in the back right. “Dear GOD…” says Trey, as he slaps his forehead.

“Hey, Matt. Whatcha eatin’ under there?” Arthur says.

“Under where? HAW, HAW, HAW!” yells Puck obnoxiously. “Best. Joke. Ever!”

“Yeah, is that supposed to be funny? Because it really isn’t…” says Trey.

Puck walks up to the van. “Wait, whaaat? No seats left? Ah, well, gotta sit in the trunk.” He jumps into the trunk and lies down. “Seatbelts are for squares. But this ride is gonna be totes fun! I’ll call this car the Party Car(ty).”

“So totally hilarious,” says Julia.

Meanwhile, the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits are getting into their car. “I am driving,” says Nic. “Going to be a pretty fun ride.”

“All right, we can add driving to things Nic claims to be good at but is actually awful at!” says Estrella faux-enthusiastically. “Oh, and I’m in the front seat. No questions about it.”

“Awesome, that gives me time to put on this new facial cleanser I heard about online. Apparently it, like, does wonders to your skin and stuff,” says Layla. “And I’m NOT TALKING TO YOU.”

“Okay!” says Veronica.

The two get into the back seat, and Layla scoots as far away from Veronica as she possibly can.

Layla says in the confessional, “Veronica… She smells like dirt. I don’t like that. Eww, she needs to get a perm or something too, I hate curly ginger hair.”

The Hopalong Ralphcakes are driving. “Hey, uh, Chelsey?” says Flora. “Do we have a map to the restaurant?”

“Pssh, McDonald’s isn’t a restaurant. It’s a place where fat people become fatter people. But… oh, crap, we don’t have a map. UGHHHHH,” groans Chelsey.

“I wish there was something else that could work in place of a map. Like, I don’t know, maybe there's something on your phone that could do the trick?” Helga says sarcastically.

“Yeah. Where’s Cirie? Gotta talk to it,” Chelsey says. She reaches around for her phone. “WHERE IS MY PHONE.”

“I totally don’t have it,” says Arthur, looking dubious.

“Arthur, you take my phone, I take your HEAD,” says Chelsey. “Also, you automatically become a zero on the popularity scale. Give me my phone.”

“What’s the magic word?” asks Arthur obnoxiously.

“The magic word is, you’re gonna get voted off,” says Chelsey.


“All right, fine,” says Arthur, He chucks the phone at Chelsey, and it hits the back of her seat and lands at Helga’s feet.

“Helga. Phone. Please?” says Chelsey.

“Okay, list five good reasons why I should give you the phone,” Helga says. “Good, valid reasons. If so, then you can get it.”

“Hmmm… I have really cool hair that a bunch of girls like. I’m pretty. I’ve got a nice tan. My grandma gave me that phone. And you’re totally jealous of my scarf,” says Chelsey. “Give me the phone, please.”

Helga grumbles something and gives Chelsey her phone. “Flora, I’m driving, unlock it for me.”

“Okay, I don’t have a uPhone, my mom thinks they corrupt the mind,” says Flora. “I’m sliding the button, but it says it’s been disabled for twenty-four hours? Why’s that?”

“ARTHUR!!” yells Chelsey. “When we get out of this car, you have no idea.”

Arthur says in the confessional, “Harassing Chelsey was not a wise idea. Time to harass Crappy Restaurant and Julia now.”

The Swagged Out Citrus Fruits are shown, pulling into the parking lot of McDonald’s. “See, I told you that I was a decent driver,” winks Nic.

“Yeah, but you’re still creepy. Now, uh, I’m staying in the car. Don’t want to risk turning into dust,” Estrella says.

“I totally second that,” says Layla. “I’m putting on this facial cleanser thing, and it’s totally crusty… Can’t go in public. The tabloids would totally freak out. But I would enjoy buying everything from the menu, I’ve got the cash for it.”

“Wait, why is anyone going inside? Aren’t we doing the drive-thru?” says Veronica.

“Ew, screw the drive-thru,” says Nic. “I am going inside. Tons of hot chiquitas in there.”

“Yeah, those fat, balding 45-year olds. Mmm, so spicy, I can’t even handle it,” says Estrella dryly.

“Veronica, you’re coming in with me,” says Nic. Him and Veronica get out of the car and go inside.

The two walk into the “restaurant” and see, sure enough, many obese people. “All right, so she wanted what, a Filet-o-Fish, salad, fries, and McFlurry? Sounds good,” Veronica says. She walks up to the cashier. “Hi, can we get… Oh my god!”

Nic, who is staring at the women, turns around. “...Gary?!” he exclaims.

Gary, who is dressed in a McDonald’s uniform and is behind the counter, looks at them. “Hey, guys! Wow, nice to see you here! I’ve been working here, got bored interning for Roz. Nic, bro! Great to see you… wait, where’s Chrissy?”

“Eliminated,” says Veronica. “It was pretty hard for poor Nic here…”

“NOOOO!” weeps Gary. “Okay, be strong, Gary… Ugh, I’ll just get your stuff, then we can get out of here.”

“Wait, you are coming with? This car just got twenty times swaggier,” winks Nic.

“Of course I’m coming with! I hate this place,” says Gary. “The number of obese sweaty people here is over 9000!”

“Speaking of obese sweaty people…” says Veronica, who turns around and sees Hippo alone at a table, eating a McChicken, listening to a reel-to-reel, and surfing Tumblr on a laptop. “Uh, I’ve never seen anyone eat one of those. Ever.”

“YES!” yells Hippo. “Hippocrates Smith, defeating the mainstream since 1980. My work here is done.” He throws the McChicken in the trash and walks out of McDonald’s with his laptop and reel-to-reel.

Gary comes back, with a bag containing the food. “Uh, hang on,” he says. He then yells to the kitchen. “CARL! I QUIT!” A loud swearing noise is heard, and Gary leaps over the counter and flings his uniform off. “Quick, let’s go!”

Gary, Nic, and Veronica run out of McDonald’s. They pile into the car and pull out of the driveway.

“Wait, what’s he doing he--” Estrella says. “No time to explain! Let’s go!” says Nic valiantly.

Layla is shown, with cucumber slices over her eyes. “Wait. What? I hear another voice. What’s going on? SOMEONE TELL ME, I DEMAND IT.”

“Is that chick the winner of Tokyo?” whispers Gary to Veronica. Veronica nods. “Didn’t she, like, reform or something?”

“Nope,” says Veronica sadly.

“Seriously, I’m still wondering why freaking Gary is in our car,” says Estrella. “Is this permanent?”

“Nah, I just need a ride. Gotta get out of that Mickey D’s, man! It really sucks!” says Gary. “Plus, Estrella, I always thought you were cool.”

“Kissing my ass is never the answer, my little friend,” says Estrella.

“I beg to differ!” says Gary.

Right as the Citrus Fruits leave, the Ralphcakes’ van pulls up to the McDonald’s drive-thru menu display. Arthur looks up and down at the various menu items. “Diabeetus,” he says.

“Man, this is my stuff! Chicken McNuggets, you know, my mom says I shouldn’t eat them or I’ll have trouble pooping. But I poop ice cubes, so that shouldn’t be a problem, right?” yells Puck from the back seat.

“I’m vegetarian, is there any meal on here that wouldn’t cause me to ingest five thousand calories and become morbidly obese?” Wolfgang says snottily.

“Nope. Take it from an expert,” Arthur says, patting Wolfgang on the shoulder. “Oh, Chelsey, can we get some food for ourselves? I have some Benjamins.”

“Uh, I’m super hungry…” says Chelsey. “But if we fool around too much, we’ll lose. So, no.”

“Come on! I gotta go to the bathroom, and Versace is acting sad!” says Puck, glancing at his fish bag, where Versace still does not look alive.

“You know what?!” yells Wolfgang. He snatches Versace’s bag away from Puck, opens the window, and chucks the bag into the street. A car then runs over it.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” says Puck in slow-motion.

Puck is shown in the confessional, weeping. “Versace… My best frieeeeend… Whyyyyyy…”

“Guys, shut up, I’m ordering,” whispers Chelsey loudly.

“Hi, what can I do for you?” says the voice over the speaker.

“Um, hi, I’d like a Filet-o-Fish, a Caesar Salad, some fries, and a McFlurry, please?” says Chelsey.

“I’m sorry, what was that?” says the voice.

“A Filet-o-Fish, a Caesar Salad, some fries, and a McFlurry,” repeats Chelsey.

“Sorry about this, it’s loud in here and I can barely hear you,” says the voice.


“Okay, repeat what you were saying once more, I’ll get it this time,” says the speaker guy.

Chelsey repeats what she has said twice already. Once she’s done, Arthur yells, “AND TWO BIG MACS!”

Julia fumes with rage, and her face becomes extremely red. She takes out a water bottle and starts chugging it.

“Okay, fine. Uh, I guess we’re ordering for the others. Flora, wanna order?” Chelsey says.

Flora is sitting there, shaking. “Uh, you okay, Flora?” asks Chelsey.

“She’s having a panic attack…” says Trey. “She told me about it earlier… She gets all scared when it comes to ordering food…”

“I’m…” says Flora, her eyes really wide.

“Okay, Flora, I’ll get some stuff for you later,” says Chelsey. She says to the speaker, “That’ll be all!”

“Thanks!” says the guy in the speaker. “Your food will be ready shortly.”

The van drives up to the next window, where an acne-ridden guy gives them their food. “Money, please?” he says.

“Uh, yeah, hang on…” says Chelsey. “Guys, I have no cash. Help me.” She searches through her purse, but finds nothing. “Do you guys accept credit card?”

“I’m sorry, we actually don’t…” says the guy. “Some random douche tried to make fake credit cards and created a black market to sell them on. So, we’re the only McDonald’s in the nation that doesn’t accept credit cards. Sorry about that, you’ll need cash!”

“I have a fifty-dollar bill…” says Trey.

Trey says in the confessional, “That was the only part of Julia’s money I managed to take… I didn’t want to give it up, but I kinda have to…”

Trey hands the bill to Chelsey, who gives it to the guy. The guy gives her the bag of food, and they are about to drive away.

“Wait! Guys! I’m finna go to the bathroom,” says Puck. “Wait for me! I swear, it’ll take five secs. Art, be my bathroom buddy?” Arthur nods, and the two get out of the car and run into McDonald’s.

“Glad to see great minds think alike,” says Arthur. “You’re not going to the bathroom, are you? You’re going to go and get some Giant Macs?”

“Whoa, dude, what’s a Giant Mac?” says Puck. “Seems intriguin’!”

“It is like a Big Mac. Only, there are FOUR patties instead of two. Instant bowel explosion,” says Arthur. “But it’s also--” His watch beeps, and he pulls out the red underwear.

“Oh, NO!” yells Puck.

They open the door, and see all the fat people. “Obeeeese people?” says Puber T. “Did you know that if you are fat as a child, you will possibly mature earlier? For you would have tons of extra fat, and it goes in different--” Puck rushes up to the counter.

“Yo, do you guys carry ‘za?” he asks to the cashier. “Pizza? Y’know? Cheesy Italian stuff?”

“What do you think we are, an Italian place? Nope. We got good old fast food, American-style, and that’s it,” says the cashier.

“All right, I’ll get two Giant Macs! They’re like Big Macs… but giant!” says Puck loudly.

“Sounds good,” says the person dubiously. “I’ll place an order, what are you guys’ names?”

“Tyrone Velaquess,” says Puck, and he starts to snicker.

He yanks the underwear off of Puber T’s head, and Arthur then says, “My name is Harry Richards.”

“Tyrone, hurry up!” says a slightly nasally voice behind Puck and Arthur. They swiftly turn around.

The other Ralphcakes are shown in the car. “It’s EXTREMELY hot in here,” says Wolfgang.

“Yeah. The air conditioning broke,” snaps Julia. “Because we decided to take the CRAPPY car. Of course. Can we at listen to 1E or something on the radio? Flora, nobody even likes classical music.”

“I do!” says Flora. “Chelsey does, too. And I think Wolfgang.”

“I do,” says Helga. She then goes back to reading her book and not talking.

“Classical is for STUFFY OLD MEN!” yells Julia. She pounces onto Flora’s lap and tries to change the radio. “Seriously, I need my 1E!”

“Aww, Julia, can’t--” Flora begins. She turns around and looks out the window to see three figures coming out from McDonald’s - Arthur, Puck, and someone with long, curly red hair whom Puck seems to be making out with.

“Oh my god, Puck. I like really love your new pistachio-colored hair. It totally fits a sexy stud like you,” says Casey, letting go of him for a second.

“My ice cube, man! I still can’t get over how I saw you in a random Mickey D’s somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Thought you were still in Japan!” says Puck.

“Yeah. No. A sumo wrestler tried to f--” Casey looks into the car, and sees the driver. “OH. MY. GOD.”

“Oh, great,” say Wolfgang and Chelsey simultaneously.

“IVDTJDGKDKDFTYJEXJRYB LW;E;,YNMERKNSEKBR R,C./E.B,OITYONSRU QIYWIW83NY RKUSUYNBHKUYREM,SNI,” says Casey. She runs up to Chelsey and begins making kiss marks on the window.

“...Who are you?” says Chelsey.

“Are you kidding me?! We’ve met before! Remember, in Tokyo? I was that really pretty girl you met?” says Casey, breathing heavily.

“Oh. Yeah. Casey. Hi, there,” says Chelsey. “Thought I’d never see you again. Still unpo-- I mean, uh... Yeah, whatever. Guys, we have to go, we’re running late.”

“Flora. Get out of the front seat, I’m sitting there,” says Casey forcefully. “Gotta be near Chel.”

“Wait, Case, don’tcha wanna sit in the back with me? We can share Giant Macs and make out!” says Puck.

“Uh, Puck, about that… We can make out at home whenever we want. Seeing Chelsey is a ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY,” snarls Casey.

Puck says in the confessional, “I’m livid! Casey doesn’t wanna spend time with me? Did I do somethin’ again? We’ve barely even been dating for a month, man. Ah, well, I guess I can talk to Wolfie more.”

The car pulls out of the McDonald’s parking lot and starts driving back to Roz. Riley Ghetsis is blaring on the radio.

“Ugh, I hate Riley, she’s trying to make twerking cool, when it isn’t. Change the station,” whines Casey.

“B-b-but… Twerking IS cool!” says Puck from the back seat.

“No, it isn’t. Also, her ugly new haircut makes her look like a MeanLesbian,” says Casey. “So, can we change the radio?”

“Um, I actually like Riley Ghetsis. She’s saying that she doesn’t mind being herself, you go gurl,” says Chelsey.

“...All right, we’re keeping Riley on the radio!” says Casey quickly. Wolfgang facepalms.

The song continues to play. “Oh, how I love the sound of pure auto-tune,” says Helga.

“Shaddap,” says Julia. “1E uses auto-tune. It’s only to fix their vocals, though. If they weren’t toned down, they’d destroy everyone’s ears ‘cause they’re so good. True story.”

“Ugh, dumb boy bands, pandering to teen girls like you,” grunts Wolfgang. “They’re not even hot.”

“Bleh…” says Puck, sitting in the back seat. “I feel so stuffed. Those truffles that I ate after feedin’ Versace really filled me up, and that burger too.”

“You WHAT?!” yells Wolfgang. “YOU SAID YOU DIDN’T FEED THEM T-T-T-T…”

“Oh! Man, Wolfie! It’s not what it looks like, I swear! It’s just that I was running out of food, and…” Puck says. Wolfgang slaps him in the face, then puts on his heavy metal music and doesn’t talk.

“Drama!” exclaims Casey.

The car finally pulls up to Roz, right by the boat’s dock. The Swagged Out Citrus Fruits are already there, and Roz is eating her food. “Howdy!” she says. “The Fruits here just treated me to a nice meal. And… Wait, wuuut? Casey?!”

“Ooooh. Hi, Roz,” says Casey. “Just hitched a ride with Puckie and the beautiful goddess Chelsey. What’s up with you?”

“Man, it’s been a while. Still pumped that you decided to help me in th’ final challenge--” begins Roz. Gary then walks out of a nearby bathroom.

“Hey, did the team I was driving with win?” says Gary.

“GARY!” says Roz. “Yep, the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits win immunity, and you’re now a member of their team!”

“WHAT?!” pretty much everyone says simultaneously.

“I was discussin’ somethin’ with Chef and the producers. We strategically placed Gary and Casey around the Mickey D’s, knowing that they had relationships with the two teams. So, we knew you guys would pick ‘em up and transport ‘em here, and we said the first team to get back would win their transportee a spot on the team!” says Roz.

“Aw, NUTS!” says Casey. “I love you, Chelsey! ...Bye, Puck.” She runs up to a pink motorcycle, puts on a helmet, and disappears.

“Whoo! I’m in the game!” says Gary. “This is pretty sweet… uh, what do I do now?”

“Go back to th’ cabin,” says Roz. “You’re safe tonight, luckily.” Gary gives her a thumbs-up, and the Citrus Fruits get on the boat. “As for the Ralphcakes, do whatever you want with that food, but one of you is going home tonight. Bye!” The Ralphcakes get onto the boat as well, and it chugs off into the sunset.

“I’m voting Wolfgang. The guy’s too dangerous,” Trey says to Puck. “I know you like him, but he’s not an ally of yours. He hates you. Take it from a professional.” Puck shakes his head.

Puck says in the confessional, while eating a Giant Mac, “Man, I can’t get rid of Wolfie tonight! I mean, yeah, he snapped at me an infinite amount of times, but he’s a great dude and I’m sure he’s just tryin’ to be nice! Aww, I’ll miss the guy. Trey’s a cool ice cube though, and I can trust him, I think.”

The scene changes to night, right before the elimination. Wolfgang is shown sitting alone on the beach right by the team's cabin. He is playing in the sand with a stick, and gathering seashells while sitting on a big rock.

Flora peeks out from the cabin and yells to him. "Hey, Wolfgang! Where have you been? The elimination starts in, like, five minutes. Come on over here!"

"I'll be right there," Wolfgang yells back to Flora. She gives him a thumbs-up, and then walks away.

Helga suddenly walks up to Wolfgang. "Oh. Hi. What are you doing? Did you know we’re gonna be at elimination in like a second?”

"Ugh," says Wolfgang. "I need to be left alone right now, okay? I despise everyone else, I'm just having some down time. Why are you here?"

"Oh, me? I'm just taking a long walk on the beach," says Helga.

"Long walk on the beach? Isn't that a little too sappy and romantic for someone like you?" asks Wolfgang.

"Ugh. You know, it isn't easy being sarcastic and rude all the time," Helga sits down next to Wolfgang. "I know that my personality gives me a lot of fans and all, but sometimes I wish I could just have friends."

"Jeez, tell me about it," says Wolfgang. "Can't relate to ever having any of those."

"You get it?" says Helga. "See, I wish I could return to being that sweet girl from School. I didn't do much, but being boring is better than being universally hated..."

"That's my issue," states Wolfgang. "Everyone else hates me, since I'm not social, I yell a lot, and all I do is get angry with others. Like, you know Puck? I’m sure he means no harm, but I just don’t like him at ALL, and I express that in… strange ways."

"No, it's fine. I thought you were overreacting at first, but that was completely shattered once I actually interacted with him. What an awful human," says Helga.

"Heh, good to know..." says Wolfgang. "Plus, I have another thing. I really like little kids. That sounds creepy, I know, but I think I would be a really good camp counselor or something. Every time I try, though, they get terrified."

"Well, being a camp counselor isn't all that, you know. You could end up being as boring as Mattie," chuckles Helga.

Wolfgang laughs weakly. "I just wish I could say hello to children without my face making them cry..." he says. "You know, I wanted to come here to make friends, but from the second I met him, I knew that wouldn't happen.”

"What's with that, by the way? Like yeah, he sucks, but you seem to have had this giant grudge against him from the beginning," Helga asks. "If you don't mind me asking, of course."

"He just annoys the crap out of me for no reason at all... I despised him back in Japan. He reminded me of this one obnoxious neighbor I had back when I was a kid... Wait, come to think of it, that might've actually been him," Wolfgang growls. "That little--"

"No, don't get mad," says Helga. "But I get what you're saying. Man, I wish we could talk like this more. I love this conversation, honestly. I feel like I've gotten to know you so much better. Before, you were the angry, groin-kicking, antisocial, violent guy, but now you're actually... nice. I never thought I'd feel this way about a person."

"Hey. It’s called friendship, or something else," Wolfgang says. "Heh."

"...Really?" Helga looks shocked. "Wait, uh... Yeah, I get what you're saying. Ha, that's kind of funny."

Wolfgang looks at Helga, and she looks back at him. They begin to kiss semi-awkwardly.

After a few seconds, Wolfgang says, "Hey. We should probably get to the elimination ceremony before Roz verbally rips us both a new butthole. Let’s go.” The two walk away from the beach and down to the elimination ceremony.

Helga says in the confessional, "Ugh, I'm so stupid! First I let my feelings out on international television, then I kiss the guy? What just happened to me? His lips kind of tasted like wienerschnitzel… Heck, I won't be surprised if I get voted out tonight. But the dude is kind of intriguing... Eh, I'll still be sarcastic, and he'll still be antisocial. What happens after that, I have no idea..."

Roz is shown with the Ralphcakes at elimination. “Can’t wait to get to this vote. Anyway, uh, Arthur, Chelsey. You two are safe!” She tosses the two seashells.

“Yep,” says Arthur. Chelsey flashes him a mean look.

“Trey. Julia. Uh, Flora,” says Roz. She tosses the three seashells.

Helga is shown reading. “Helga,” she says, and gives Helga a seashell.

“Excellent,” says Helga.

“Wolfgang. Puck. Hehe, punny names. One of you is out tonight. Who’s it gonna be? Final seashell goes to…”

“Wolfie.” She tosses him a seashell.

“Awwwwwwwwwwww,” says Puck for a very long time. “That’s jank. Wolfie, you did this, right? Never knew a dude could get so pissed for another dude eatin’ his truffles. But, uh, I’m out.”

Wolfgang sits there with a blank, almost wistful expression on his face. He looks at Helga and smiles slightly.

“It was fun! Roz, you gotta let me return for a third time! Maybe even introduce a buncha new players and then rig the game for me. Just gotta get some money, man. See ya!” Puck says, and he skips to the boat, where Casey is.

“CRAP!” yells Casey. “I was hoping for Chel… oooh, Corny, you look super sexy in the moonlight, I love how it lights up against your face.” She leans in and makes out with him. Puck, gasping for air, manages to give a thumbs-up to the rest of the Ralphcakes.

“I haven’t seen anything more dramatic than those last few minutes!” says Roz. “Tune in for more shocking events on Total… Drama… Superstar Showdown!”

Chapter 12 - Bocce Brawl

“Last time on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown!” begins Roz. “There were a lot of things that happened. Will I be able to remember them all in this recap? Let’s see… The contestants got some food for me at Mickey D’s, Gary and Casey appeared and the former actually got to debut on the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits’ side, and Puck annoyed Wolfgang. Obviously that’s not out of the ordinary, but Wolfie was PISSED this time. Like, he was super super angry. And then, that night, he formed a possible relationship with Helga after a deep convo about love and that mushy stuff! Nobody on the Ralphcakes knows, though. Puck was voted out, which sucks, because I kinda grew to like the guy, even if he was a 8-year-old in a 17-year-old’s body. Who will win? Who will fall? How will Gary adapt to his new team? WILL he adapt to his new team? Find out today!”

The Ralphcakes are shown quietly walking from the beach back to the cabins.

Wolfgang looks at Helga. “Keep stuff under wraps, k?” he says, and Helga nods in agreement.

Trey glances over at the two suspiciously.

He then is shown in the confessional. “Wolfgang and Helga? Hmm, what’s going on between them… if they’re developing a relationship, that’s bad, because couples are really dangerous in this game… I need to exterminate them… Then again, they’re both unlikable, and would probably lose against anybody. Even, like, Julia.

“Guys, I’m feeling sentimental already,” sniffs Arthur. “First Kav, now Cornelius? Why must you torture me so? Puck was nice, even if his farts smelled like candy canes.”

“Shut up. I hated him,” Julia snarls.

“Who do you not hate, Julia?” frowns Flora. “I’m just asking, like… don’t you wanna be happy?”

“Being happy is for frolicking rainbow unicorns and stuff. I’m not a frolicking rainbow unicorn, the only thing that makes me happy is 1E’s existence. Everything else can go su--” Julia begins.

“Ugh, that Casey girl really gives me headaches,” says Chelsey, lying down on the ground. “And… Wait, oh my god, I think my phone might be working again.” She opens her phone, and it works. “HA! In your FACE, Art.”

“It won’t be working for long… Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh,” laughs Arthur obnoxiously. Chelsey gets up for a second to go to the confessional, and Arthur immediately grabs her phone, searches “riley ghetsis twerking” then puts the phone down.

"UGH!" yells Chelsey, glancing back at Arthur. "Delete it, fat!" 

Chelsey says in the confessional, “Okay, so I have a gut feeling that the merge is coming, but the problem is… mostly everyone on the other team is an annoying jerk. There’s Nic, who’s really just creepy, and Estrella hates everyone, I don’t even know Gary at all and don’t really want to, Layla is mean, and Veronica is a wannabe. Ugh, they all suck. Better work on strengthening my bonds with people like Trey and Wolfgang, then. If I get a couple of cronies I’ll be fine.”

Wolfgang is then shown stretching out on the ground. “Wait. I can’t believe this. It hasn’t even fully wrapped around my brain yet, but… PUCK IS OUT!”

“I hate to break it to ya, buddy, but he is not out. He has simply rubbed some ‘Invisible Cream’ about his body,” Arthur says matter-of-factly.

“That’s not funny at all, you turd,” Wolfgang growls. “Even Puck's funnier than that.”

Wolfgang is shown in the confessional. “Puck is out. I repeat, that pea-brain is finally out of the game. FOR GOOD! At least… uh, I assume, since Gary just returned and I doubt Roz would spring another returnee on us. But I finally get some down time… just me and Helga!” He squeals delightedly. “Yeah, I have to work on not doing that.”

“Hey, Helga, you seem kinda happy right now,” says Flora, looking at Helga, who's reading the "Funnies" section of the Sunday paper.

“Oh. Yeah, uh…” says Helga, as her expression turns back to that default scowl of hers. “Go away. Don’t you have something better to do, like annoy others with your offensive blandness?”

“Oh, sorry!” Flora says, visibly upset. “I don’t like making people sad…”

“I’m not sad. This is my default expression. Get over it,” says Helga.

Flora says in the confessional, “Usually Helga’s just snarky. But today she’s not only snarky, but also really defensive… Did I do something to offend her? I hope not, I don’t like offending people!”

It then becomes morning. The camera moves to the house, also known as the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits’ domain. Layla is in the bathroom, putting what looks like extremely expensive nail polish on her nails.

“I’m gon’ be manicured, you wanna be manicured, ma-ma-ma-manicure, she wanna be… MANiCURED!” sings Layla as she does her nails.

Gary then opens the door, and shrieks. “Eek! Uh, sorry, I didn’t know someone was in here.”

“Ew, get out of here, you geek!” Layla says angrily. “Can’t you see I’m busy? Or… you could go get me a pumpkin spice latte, that works too.”

“Uh, couldn’t you get one yourself?” says Gary.

“Um, not true,” Layla scoffs. “I gave most of it to Charles. And he’s gone now. With NOBODY TO REPLACE HIM.”

“He couldn’t have taken all of it, could he? I’m sure you have at least… over nine thousand?” Gary grins extremely widely.

Gary says in the confessional, “YES!” He jumps for joy. “Finally got to say it! Man, it really isn’t the same when you just do it at home and you know you’re not being watched by millions of people. But Layla’s really snobby, I was analyzing her last season and I thought her edit was just a facade by the editors to play up her meanness, but nope… it’s all completely true.”

Gary walks downstairs and sees Nic, who’s on the couch staring at his phone. “Mmm… Almost there…” Latin music emanates from Nic’s phone. “SQUEEE!” he yells. “Okay, time to rewind… Oh, how exciting this is!” He presses a button and watches the same clip again.

“Uh, hey Nic! Whatcha doin’?” says Gary.

“Oh, greetings, Garrison,” Nic says. “I’m just watching the clip of Al coming out of the robot. Over and over. Cool, huh? This is like my fifty-third time today. It just never gets old.”

“Lawl. Glad to see you haven’t changed…” says Gary. “How’s Abby, BTW?”

“Oh, she is doing pretty well,” winks Nic. “I did some bodybuilding pre-show and she is looking muscular. It’s a delight.”

Estrella walks into the room right as Nic says “she is looking muscular," glances at Nic’s phone screen, then walks out.

Estrella says in the confessional, “Nope. Didn’t even want to attempt to socialize with them.”

She walks over to the kitchen and pours a cup of tea, puts some cinnamon in it, and then starts to drink it. “Hey!” says Veronica out of nowhere.

“Ptoo!” Estrella spits out her hot tea on Veronica’s face. “Ugh, you freaking scared me. And I really don’t get scared often. What do you want, even?”

“I don’t know, we haven’t talked much so maybe we could get to know each other?” says Veronica, attempting to be nice.

“Nope,” Estrella says, she then walks away.

Veronica says in the confessional, “Estrella’s pretty grumpy… She was nice in Tokyo though, right? I didn’t really follow the season, but I remember there being a really cute girl who I was rooting for. Ari, I think? She always reminded me of me, but people never called HER boring.”

A voice, presumably Chef Hatchet’s, is then heard yelling from outside. “Challenge time, suckaaahs! Bring yo’ A-game!”

Nic says in the confessional, “I have just finished watching episode two of Total Drama All-Stars. Yeah, I burn through those things pretty quickly. But Al is being as sexy as always, man. I love his hand-walking. So, of course, I am going to replicate it. Single men out there, watch and learn.” He winks.

“Vamonos!” Nic says. He jumps forward and tries to land on his hands, then successfully does so and makes a clicking noise with his tongue. Shortly after, he faceplants on the ground and gets up, but has a black eye. “Mierda!”

The Swagged Out Citrus Fruits, with Nic trailing behind, walk outside and meet the Hopalong Ralphcakes, as well as Chef, and… Mr. Chapman?

“Ew, Chappy, I thought you died in Tokyo,” Layla says rudely.

“Greetings, contestants,” says Mr. Chapman, ignoring Layla. “Roz is currently preoccupied doing other things, and I have some leisure time, so I figured I would be a good samaritan and help out Roz -- she is, after all, the unofficial leader of my Whale Club. Other than myself, of course.”

“Where is she? Did you leave her at an ice cream store again?” scoffs Helga.

Mr. Chapman chuckles. “Already some of you are starting to make interesting impressions on me. Now if you could stop using your devices--” He looks at Layla, Julia, and Chelsey, who are all texting. “I can start explaining your challenge.”

“Shut up, you wrinkly old coot,” Julia says, and resumes texting.

“Okay, seriously, where’s Roz?” Veronica says. “I’m getting kinda worried…”

The scene suddenly flashes to a small car that looks to be stuck in a traffic jam. Roz and Red are riding it, Roz driving and Red riding shotgun.

“This is really, really irritating. How long have we even been in this jam?” Red says.

“Uh, maybe like twenty minutes,” estimates Roz.

“Roz. It’s 4:20 PM. We got in the car at 3:10… AM,” Red says angrily. “All because you conveniently wanted to go to Booger Fling.”

“Hey, their burgers are a lot better than the ones at Mickey D’s! Their food disappointed me yesterday,” Roz says.

“But their fries taste like baby wipes, and fries are an essential part of every fast food meal,” complains Red.

Roz looks out the window, and it has started to snow. “Oh, great. Just GREAT. I sure hope Chappy followed my instructions.”

The contestants are shown with Mr. Chapman again. “So, if it were up to me, I would make you all go on a hunt for undiscovered insect species. But, alas, it is not, so we’re…” he sighs deeply, “...doing what Roz left in her plans. Goody. Let's see here, she said... Teams will compete in a game of bocce ball.”

“Can we not?” snarls Wolfgang. “I’m really tired. Let me catch up on my sleep.”

“I’m sorry, but it’s the plans. Would you rather go find undiscovered insects? I didn’t think so. Anyway, here’s how it works. One player from one of the teams will throw a small silver ball towards the other side of the beach. Then, players will take turns throwing larger balls, attempting to get the closest to the ball. The team with the closest ball to the original ball wins,” Mr. Chapman explains. He glances at the contestants, and most are asleep.

“I am sorry, Chapman. Personally, I find your explanations very, very interesting,” says Arthur rudely.

“Well, if nobody has any questions, we can begin the challenge!” says Mr. Chapman. “We will be playing to three, or until Roz gets back, whichever one comes first. Since only four members from each team need to play at once, three from the Ralphcakes and one from the Citrus Fruits will sit out.”

Helga shows everyone her book, then begins to walk to the sitting-out area.

“Uh, nice try, gurl,” Chelsey says. “You literally never do anything. Would it hurt you to compete ONCE?”

“Yes,” says Helga bluntly.

“I’m sitting out,” Wolfgang says. “And catching up on my sleep that I SAID I’d catch up on.”

Wolfgang says in the confessional, “You know, I mostly wanted to stare at Helga. It’s not every day that I get a freaking girlfriend… actually, I’ve never had one. Remember that time where I smashed a bowl of spaghetti in that random chick’s face? Well, she spread a rumor that I sent her naughty pictures so she could get back at me or something, that sick freak. So, I’m basically a social pariah at my school. Thankfully, Helga doesn’t GO to my school! And she’s really cool, and pretty, and stuff. Not as pretty as Chelsey, maybe, but I’m willing to bet Helga has more brain cells.”

“Ugh, I’m sitting out too…” says Trey. “I feel a bit subpar today…”

“You ALWAYS feel subpar, turd,” Julia growls. “You look subpar too. Your face is, like, a perfect rectangle. And put some freaking pants on, nobody wants to see you flop around.”

“I’m going to sit out as well. Last time I threw a ball, I ‘accidentally’ hit my gym teacher in the face. He just walked away with some minor injuries, like a concussion or broken nose or something. No biggie. He was an old sot, anyway,” says Arthur.

“So, looks like it’s just us four girls throwing. Wow, great. You men are so helpful,” Chelsey says. “Negative twenty PP - that can mean popularity points OR participation points, it’s a special occasion - for today.”

“And I’m sitting out for the Fruits,” says Layla. “Is it even a question? I need a beauty nap.”

“...Don’t you need to be beautiful to take a beauty nap?” says Veronica innocently.

“SHUT UP!” Layla says. “I’m expecting an in-depth foot massage when we get back to the cab-- oh, wait, you’re not my Charles anymore. Rats.”

“All right, the challenge will now commence,” says Mr. Chapman. “And for every time someone interrupts me, I will read a passage from my favorite nonfiction work, A History of Oceanography. Ralphcakes, you will throw the ball first.”

Flora throws the small silver ball and it lands a decent distance away from the contestants. “Was that good?” says Flora worriedly.

“No, not really…” says Trey under his breath, from the out-sitting zone.

“Shut up, Mattzenjammer. I thought you liked Flora,” says Arthur.

“All right, the Citrus Fruits will now throw their first ball,” says Mr. Chapman. Estrella “throws” one of their balls, and it lands about three inches away from the other ball.

“Whoo! Go Estrella! You’re doin’ great!” says Gary enthusiastically.

Gary says in the confessional, “Despite her cantankerous exterior, Estrella’s actually really good at challenges! Her challenge power level is over nine--” Before he can finish, the tape turns to static.

Helga, representing the Ralphcakes, throws the next ball and it barely even goes one foot away from her.

“GOSH, Helga! Get it together!” says Arthur in a very obnoxious voice. “Hey Wolfie, why aren’t you yelling with me? Seems like you would get pissed about Helga being flabby and useless.” Wolfgang looks into the distance.

“Um, sorry? As you know, I suck at anything athletic,” Helga says.

Helga is shown in the confessional, “As gruff as Wolfgang is, at least he didn’t act obnoxious like Arthur did. Then again, Arthur is obnoxious about literally EVERYTHING. He never shuts up or goes away. Probably one of the two or three most enraging people I’ve ever come across in my life.”

“That’s not athletic. At all. You literally have to MOVE YOUR HAND,” Chelsey rages. “And that’s it.”

“Now, now, settle down, contestants…” says Mr. Chapman. “As you know, people have strengths in different areas. Even I do not know how to do long division… I’ve always been a science-oriented lad myself. Citrus Fruits, you get to throw your remaining three balls in a row due to your ball being closer.”

Gary picks up a ball. “All right, so if I calculate the speed the ball is going, and add the mass of the other ball, then I just gotta…”

“Muchacho. Math is a waste of time. Let me show you how real men do it,” Nic boasts, and throws a ball at the small silver ball. It hits the silver ball and moves it away from Estrella’s original one.

“Way to go,” says Estrella sarcastically.

“‘Ey, keep hope alive!” says Nic. “My bufftastical arm strength was so good that it actually moved the ball.”

Once Gary has finished his calculations, he throws his ball. Sure enough, it also goes right next to the original ball. “See, math ISN’T a waste of time!” whoops Gary.

“All right, guys, gonna do mine…” Veronica says nervously. She throws, and it goes decently far, but not next to the ball. “Aww!”

“You SUCK!” yells Layla from the stands.

“Don’t get violent, everyone,” says Mr. Chapman, trying to ease the arguing. “Ralphcakes, your turn. Throw your three other balls.”

“Balls?!” says Arthur, and he puts the red underwear on his head, but Wolfgang quickly yanks it off. “Aw, darn it. I was looking forward to Puber. And I don’t have Puck anymore to make me feel better because one person actually finds it funny. Thanks a lot, Wolfie.”

“Ugh, it wasn’t entirely my decision. Leave me alone,” grunts Wolfgang. “Why don’t you talk to Trey here. I’m sure he has a lot to talk about.” He then falls asleep.

“...” says Trey, and he looks away, trying to avoid the conversation.

Trey says in the confessional, “I thought getting rid of Puck was a good move… But, it turns out, Wolfgang is pretty obnoxious as well. He also seems to be tight with Chelsey, and as much of a horrible person Chelsey is, she trusts me because of that me-being-gay tall tale. So Wolfie’s gotta go. Either him or Helga, actually, either works. The other will be really sad and stuff. Hahahaha!”

“This dumb ball better move,” says Julia. She kicks it, and it moves… slightly.

“Uh, I don’t think you’re supposed to kick it…” says Flora, trying to help.

“SHUT UP!” yells Julia. “I do whatever I want. It’s a free country.”

“Ralphcakes doing a pretty abysmal job at this challenge…” narrates Mr. Chapman. “Will they be able to bounce back?”

Chelsey steps up to the line. “Well, duh. Just because of my ~star power~. Let’s do this,” she says. She throws the ball, and it lands 0.0001 inches away from the closest ball to the original.

“One more ball. Will Flora be able to win a point for her team? Or will her performance be mediocre, just like her personality?” says Mr. Chapman. “I do apologize, that was rude.”

Flora throws her ball. Her performance is… mediocre, meaning the Citrus Fruits take the first round’s point.

“Yay!” Veronica says, and she hugs Nic, who blushes.

Nic says in the confessional, “She wants me. I can confirm it. If she did not, she would hug other dudes, and not just me! I mean, I do not blame her. Who can resist this, seriously? She’s a perfect woman for me, though. Despite Alejandro being my idol, I wouldn’t like to date a Heather. They’re a bit too, er, abrasive for me.”

“All right, round two is now beginning. Arthur, Trey, and Wolfgang, you three will be competing now, taking the places of… Hmm. Julia, Helga, and Chelsey, let’s say,” says Mr. Chapman. “And Layla, you have to switch as well.”

“UGHHHHHHHHHHHH,” bellows Layla.

“I’ll trade with her,” Estrella says. She walks over to the bench, collapses onto the ground face-first, and doesn’t make a sound.

Mr. Chapman comes back with the silver ball, and hands it to Veronica. “Throw it,” he commands.

“Okay!” says Veronica cheerfully. She throws it, and it lands at a much closer distance than the previous round.

“Excellent,” snarls Wolfgang, grinning wide. “I’ll go first.” He tosses the ball onto the ground extremely violently, and it rolls towards the small ball.

Nic throws the next ball, and it goes much past the small ball and not near the target. “Aw, my powers have failed me. Don’t worry, that was just a minor mishap…”

Time goes by, and it’s down to the final ball, thrown by the Ralphcakes, specifically Trey.

“Ready…” he mutters. “Go.” He throws the ball, and it hits not only the small silver ball, but also knocks away all the surrounding balls making his ball the closest.

“Trey scores a point for the Ralphcakes, it is now tied 1-1,” says Mr. Chapman. “Now, I know this challenge is getting very, very tedious. So, I’d like to abort the tiebreaker round and instead do something way more interesting. I have been training with the Whale Club for the National Ocean Sciences Bowl, and have brought with me some practice questions… Would you like to answer them to see who will win?”

“No,” says everyone simultaneously.

“All right, we will do that then!” says Mr. Chapman. “First team to three wins.”

Layla says in the confessional, “I thought Gary being nerdy was a bad thing. I mean, he’s really ugly and won’t leave me alone, especially when I’m doing IMPORTANT stuff like counting my number of hundred buck bills and giving myself manicures. But his nerdiness might help us win this dumb science quiz…”

"What does the term sigma-t define?" says Mr. Chapman, kicking off the first challenge. “W: the specific gravity of sea water, X: the density anomaly of sea water, Y: the density of sea water, or Z: the statistical variation in the density of sea water.”

“X!” blurts out Nic. “I dunno, just guessing.”

“That is correct,” says Mr. Chapman. “One point to the Citrus Fruits. Next question. Lophelia coral reefs in the North Atlantic are being primarily damaged by… W: rising temperature, X: trawling, Y: cyanide poisoning, or Z: pfiesteria.”

“Z, because it’s a big word and sounds science-y,” says Julia.

“Wrong!” says Mr. Chapman. “Citrus Fruits?”

“X!” says Gary.

“Ding ding ding!” says Mr. Chapman.

“ziNGG!” says Arthur. Many stare at him.

“All right, if the Citrus Fruits get this one right they will run away with the win!” says Mr. Chapman “High tidal range coastlines do NOT feature… W: large tidal flats, X: broad marshes, Y: amphidromic points, or Z: strong currents.”

“Y, because it’s a big word and sounds science-y,” says Layla, while Julia glares at her.

“Correct!” says Mr. Chapman. “The Citrus Fruits win today’s challenge!”

Julia, fuming with rage, yells, “ARE YOU SERIOUS?! There’s no way that wasn’t rigged!”

“Go back to your cabins,” says Mr. Chapman. “Oh, wait, only one of the teams has a cabin. Oops. In the meantime, I am going to call Roz and see what she is up to.” He takes out an old-fashioned telephone that was somehow in his pocket, while the contestants walk away, and dials Roz.

“Hello?” says Roz in a grumpy tone, sitting with Red in their car in the exact same spot -- except now, it’s blizzarding.

“Oh, hello, Roz,” says Mr. Chapman. “I was checking to see if you were going to be home any time soon. This hosting gig is making me weary.”

“CHAPPY!” squeals Roz. “I’m so glad you made it, dudette. But this is bad news. We’ve been stuck in this blizzard for, like, a day. Red had to pee in a Diet Fizz bottle. So, it might be a while…”

“All right… Uh, that is okay, I guess… Maybe I could call Zari and let her host as well. She seems as if she could be up for it… maybe. Have safe travels, Roz,” says Mr. Chapman, and he hangs up.

“That man makes my tummy feel all warm and fuzzy,” says Roz. Red nods in agreement.

The Hopalong Ralphcakes walk back to camp with the Citrus Fruits who are already in their cabin, where it’s beginning to snow.

Chelsey knocks on the door of the cabin. “Uh, Citrus Fruits? Can we use your cabin for tonight? We REALLY don’t want to sleep on the cold, snowy ground…” she says, trying her best to look cute.

“Of course!” says Gary. “C’mon in.” He opens the door and the team files in one-by-one.

“So, Wolfgang,” says Trey. “Did you do anything out-of-the-ordinary last night?”

Wolfgang looks at Trey cautiously. “...What the hell are you talking about?”

“Oh, no, I’m just saying…” says Trey. “I was kinda curious… If you’re gonna be hostile about it, I’ll just walk away…”

Helga is shown, reading Doctor What: Behind The Scenes Of The Award-Winning Series in an armchair.

Julia walks up to her. “Chick. Bad news. It’s one of us tonight.”

“...No, it’s not,” says Helga, looking around. “We’re going to make sure it’s not. I will not get out early again, seriously.”

“Something up with you, sister? You seem a bit more… cautious than usual,” says Julia. “You feel okay?”

“Why are you being so sympathetic?” scoffs Helga. “I’m fine. Seriously.”

Helga says in the confessional, “Julia has been snide to me for… basically forever. I’ve been snide to her back. It’s a mutual snideness. But, like, why is she acting caring? Maybe this whole relationship-with-Wolfgang thing wasn’t the greatest idea… It’s not even a relationship, though! We just had a bonding session on the beach and then… kissed. Damn it.”

“Hi, guys! What are you talking about?” says Flora cheerfully, walking up to the two.

“Turtle sex,” says Helga extremely bluntly. Flora utters a shriek, then scoots away. “So, as we were saying…” continues Helga.

As night falls, the Ralphcakes head to the elimination ceremony, with Mr. Chapman.

“Hello, everyone,” says Mr. Chapman. “Let’s make this quick. I am tired. Seashells go to Chelsey, Julia, Trey, Flora, and Wolfgang.” He throws one to each one of them.

“Oh, that is surprising,” says Arthur, in the bottom two. “NOT.”

“Arthur. Helga. Final seashell goes to…”

“Arthur.” Arthur grabs his seashell and whoops for joy.

“Okay, seriously, guys?” says Helga. “What did I even DO? Well actually, I’ll just come out and say it, I guess. Last night, some stuff happened with me and Wolfgang.” Everyone sits there, confused. “THAT kind of stuff.” Everyone nods in agreement. “Now, screw you guys. I don’t really need money, as long as I have my books I’m good.”

“Bye, Helga,” says Wolfgang sadly. “Ugh.”

“Win it for me, buddy,” says Helga. “I know you can do it. As for everyone else… I hate you all. Have fun living with that guy,” she points to Arthur, “for the rest of the game. I’ll miss insulting you guys.”

“And I will miss seeing you jiggle,” says Arthur.

Helga throws her Doctor What book at Arthur’s face, and boards the Boat of Losers. “Bye,” she says flatly.

“All right, so, someone was just eliminated. I myself am somewhat shocked, what will happen next time? Tune in for the next episode of Total Drama: Superstar Showdown!” Mr. Chapman says.

“That ain’t how you do an outro,” says Chef, barging in and pushing Mr. Chapman to the side. “TUNE IN NEXT TAAAAHM! ON TOTAL… DRAMA… I DON’T CARE ‘BOUT HALF THESE LOSERS SHOWDOWN!”

Chapter 13 - The Family Fools

“Last time on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown…” says Roz, in the same place she was last episode, still in her car with Red. “I don’t know what happened. Maybe because I WASN’T FREAKING THERE. Seriously, this is awful, I am beginning to seriously regret going to Booger Fling. Mickey D’s, I’ll never betray you again… Ugh. Well, I mean, I at least have my Reddy, but other than that, the past few days have been pretty awful.”

“Wanna make out or something? The car hasn’t moved in a day,” interrupts Red.

“Shut up, I’m trying to do a recap!” snaps Roz. “Anyway, I don’t really know any of the events that took place, except Helga was voted out, which makes me reeeeally sad. Girl had potential, and they just had to cut her plot short like that? Sometimes I question the Ralphcakes. Thankfully, the Ralphcakes will be no more after today, since we’re merging! Yaaaay! I might have to tell Chappy that, actually… He’s old and he might have amnesia or something… All right, let’s get this show on the road. Camera, go pan over to the cabin. I wanna see them suffer in the cold. Hehe.”

The camera does, sure enough, pan to the cabin, where almost everyone is sound asleep in various places - the floor, the couches, and the bed. Nic is lying on the bed, playing the accordion very badly.

“Ugh, will you quiet down?” whispers Estrella, who’s sleeping in the bed next to him, but as far away as possible. “I need my sleep, jerk. Thirteen hours won’t cut it.”

“Aw, Estrella! I am sincerely sorry! I was just trying to get Al’s part in Sea Shanty down. P.S., I have just finished watching Food Fright. Oh, man, Al is so orgasmic,” blushes Nic.

“News flash: I don’t care,” says Estrella, and she buries her face in her pillow and tries to resume sleeping.

Veronica walks out from the bathroom. “There’s room on the bed… baaaabe,” Nic says, and plays his accordion some more.

“Dude! I told you to stop that!” hisses Estrella.

“Uh, Nic, I’d love to get in the bed, it looks comfortable… But I’m just not that tired, you know? It’s like the morning,” says Veronica. “Sorry, though! I’m sure it’d be fun.”

“Oh, yes. It would be fun all right,” says Nic, raising one eyebrow while Alejandro’s theme tune dubiously plays in the background. Once it’s done, strange accordion music featuring a German man yodeling starts to play. Nic reaches down into the covers and presses a button on his phone, and it stops.

Estrella says in the confessional, “Welp. Helga is gone, and I am NOT happy, because that makes one actually sane person left in the game, and that sane person is me. And Flora to a lesser extent, but she’s so sane it’s offensive. Veronica is dumber than a bag of bricks. No, forget that, dumber than a bag of Nics. Can’t she see Nic is just lusting over her? I doubt it, considering she’s been pushed around by a variety of individuals… I thought she took a level in intelligence once she stood up to Layla. But nope. Point is, the girl irks me.”

Trey is shown, playing with his dreadlocks and lying face-down on the couch. Gary is shown next to him, looking at him angrily.

“Man, I hate that guy,” whispers Gary.

Gary says in the confessional, “Trey is really not a cool guy! Back on Tiki Island, you know how much of a rude jerk he was. And now that the merge is probably coming -- you know, it’s scientifically proven -- I’ll have to live in the same cabin as him. Maybe Nic, Arthur and I can pull out the ol’ bouzouki and jam out to “Greek Mix” again, this time with even harsher lyrics!”

A sound is then heard, of someone frantically jiggling the doorknob from the outside and trying to get in.

An annoyed Chelsey takes off her sleeping mask and wakes up. “Guys, it’s Arthur. Don’t let him in, seriously. He was sleepwalking earlier, with the Puber T underwear on.” She shudders. “It was NOT a pretty sight.”

Flora wakes up. “Chelsey, aren’t you a little mean to Arthur? He’s not even that bad…”

“Not that bad? NOT THAT BAD?!” Julia rages. “He is the worst person on Earth. I will NEVER forgive him for breaking my favorite tree, Jimmy. Oh, also: I hate you all for eliminating Helga. Every single one of you.”

“Same,” Wolfgang grunts from the corner. “...Wait, why did I talk.”

“I also hate YOU, for SUCKING FACE with my BEST FRIEND behind my BACK!” screams Julia.

“Hey, quit it. Nobody ever confirmed one way or another if Helga and I made out,” growls Wolfgang. “And I thought you hated Helga?”

Wolfgang says in the confessional, “I, for sure, didn’t hate Helga. She was the only cool person here. So now I basically have to win this thing to make up for the fact that she was booted pre-merge. Humph. I still want to date her, though.”

“I just hate her a little less than the rest of you turds,” Julia says. “And Flora, you’re not an exception just because you’re boring. You said Arthur 'isn’t even that bad' so you’re on my hate list.”

A creaking noise is heard by the door. Then, Arthur jumps in, covered in snow. “It’s colder than a witch’s tit out there!” he yells.

“Ew, how did you get in?” Chelsey asks.

“I once went to Picky Steve’s Lock-Picking Camp,” Arthur says, brushing off the snow. “But hey, guys, it’s almost Xmas! Today’s the 24th. Who is ready for some pubescent festivities?”

“Do you know what I want for Christmas?” Layla says. “Well, I mean, I’m not a practicing Christian. But I want Charles to come back… or a pedicure, that’d be cool too. HINT, HINT.”

Veronica gets out of bed and joins the group. “Keep dreaming, gurl,” she scoffs.

Veronica is shown in the confessional. “Did I really just say ‘gurl?' Oh no! I’m not sure what the other Chicks Against Boringness will think… I guess it’s signs of a personality but I really don’t want to be a Chelsey. But I have to stand up to Layla!”

A shuffling noise is heard in the chimney. “Oh, I seem to be stuck…” says a familiar voice. “Would anyone be kind enough to assist me?”

A crack is then heard, and Mr. Chapman, dressed as Santa, falls on his behind from the chimney. “Greetings, contestants! It was very stuffy in there.”

“Oh my GOD, it’s Santa!” says Gary happily, jumping up and down. “...Uh. Never mind, it’s just Chappy. Poo.”

Arthur then points at Trey. “Oh my GOD, it’s Santa!” he shouts.

“Hilarious… You’re so clever…” says Trey, shaking his head.

“Such cleverness. Much funniness. Wow,” says Gary. Wolfgang shoots him a death glare.

Mr. Chapman clears his throat, and everyone looks at him. “So, as you may or may not know, Roz is still stuck in her traffic predicament. But since tomorrow is Christmas, a time of joy and cheer, I have organized a special challenge for you all. You all know that Christmas is a time to celebrate and socialize with your loved ones, right?”

“Well, if you qualify ‘socializing’ as ‘attempting to get Uncle Arturo sober before he kills my guinea pig,' then yes. Oh, and this was not a one-time event,” Arthur says.

After a long pause, Mr. Chapman continues. “As I was saying. I have hand-picked… actually, Roz has hand-picked one person for each of you who means something to you. They are currently on location and will be competing with you in a challenge. Now, once we go outside, we shall meet them.”

Wolfgang says in the confessional, “My family is dysfunctional. Like, yeah, I know Arthur says crap about his family all the time but seriously. Everyone is either a super laid-back hippie or exactly like me, which gets old quickly. They’re all INSANE and I really don’t wish to see any of them today. Especially since Helga is gone. I just wanna see her, but whatever, it’ll probably be my @#$%&y sister. Ugh.”

“Uh, why have you said literally nothing about the teams? Are we merged or something?” scoffs Layla as they walk outside.

“Oh,” says Mr. Chapman, and takes out a party blower thing. “Yes, the teams are now merged! Hooray, final 10 and a half! Now, let us meet the loved ones, in alphabetical order for your convenience. Arthur, here is…”

“Pleasedon’tbeunclearturo,” chants Arthur over and over.

“Actually, it is your mother, Beth. I am sure she will give you some motherly advice today. You know, my parents are still alive,” Mr. Chapman says. “They are ninety-eight each and still going strong.” Nobody says anything.

An overweight woman with gray hair whose face resembles a potato walks out from behind the bushes. “Aaaahthuh,” she says. “Glad to see yer losin’ weight, hon. On yer way to becomin’ a healthy and well-built young man. Where’s yer Puber T underwear? I demand y’ t’ weah it.”

“That’s it, mommy? No ‘hello’ or whatever? Not even a ‘how are you doing’? I am not even losing weight, as a matter of fact. But I suppose I’ll put on my Puber T underwear,” Arthur says.

“Oh god, don’t. Seriously. You’ll be doing us all a huge favor,” says a worried Chelsey.

“Speaking of puberty…” says Mr. Chapman. “Chelsey, here is your younger sister, Allison.”

“Ew, her?” says Wolfgang, rolling his eyes. “How many friends on HeadNovel does she have now?”

A girl who looks exactly like Chelsey, minus five years, walks out from the bushes texting. “Um. Hi. Who are all these losers?” she says in a voice that resembles Chelsey’s, but an octave higher and much shriller.

“Wow, she takes after you! She is beautiful as well,” gushes Nic.

“Don’t even start. I have a boyfriend named Jax who gave me two hundred bucks. He’s really sexy and I’m loaded now, so I don’t need to talk to jerks like you,” Allison says.

“Two hundred bucks? Where can I learn more about this information?!” says Layla desperately.

“Before we get into any more shenanigans, I want to announce the rest of the loved ones, for this is going by slowly. Estrella, your uncle Aurelio is here,” announces Mr. Chapman.

“OH MY GOD!” says Estrella, actually smiling. Everyone stares at her. “That didn’t just happen.”

Estrella says in the confessional, “It did just happen.” She bangs her head against the sink in front of her. “I’m sorry, but my uncle is just… one of the only decent people I know, seriously. He plays the guitar, goes on adventures, and all in all is the direct opposite of me which is what makes me love hanging out with him so much. We better win the freaking challenge.”

“Whoa, hey,” says a man walking out. He’s clothed entirely in black, has long, flowing black hair, a beard, and a top hat. “Estrella! You’re surviving?! I mean, I got into some scuffles on my way here myself, but that’s a whole ‘nother story. Glad to see you’re doin’ well.” He hugs Estrella, who flashes glares at the other contestants.

“You need t’ cut your hair,” says Mrs. Westover rudely.

“Flora, your father, John Smith, is here,” says Mr. Chapman.

An extremely average-looking man wearing a collared T-shirt, a tie, and khakis walks out. “Hi, how are ya?” he says to everyone.

“Yay, hi, daddy!” says Flora, rushing up to her boring-looking father and awkwardly hugging him.

“Hi, Flora. You been taking your pills?” Mr. Smith says. Layla rolls her eyes.

“Um, gurl, if you’re gonna non-verbally throw shade at people, you have to be a little more subtle about it. Gosh,” says Allison to Layla.

“Allison? Just a little tip. Literally nobody says ‘throwing shade’ in real life. Nobody. No wonder mom said you were developmentally impaired,” says Chelsey angrily

Gary looks excited. “So, Chappy, is my bro Larry here? I haven’t talked to him ever since he started studying abroad in St. Lucia, and I really miss the guy! You know, he taught me everything I know.”

Sure enough, a semi-handsome guy in his early 20’s, with long, shaggy blonde hair and a t-shirt depicting an internet meme comes out. He looks absolutely nothing like Gary other than his dotted eyes and identical nose.

“Wow. Much people. Such crowd. Very drama,” Larry says.

“If someone could set my body on fire right now, that’d be great,” says Estrella.

Chelsey says in the confessional, “The fact that Gary’s brother is actually good looking is like so amazing. Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Donny. But seriously. The sad thing is, once he quoted that stupid unfunny meme he plummeted down to the very bottom of the Popularity Meter. Sucks to be him! I’d still like to make out with him though… but I feel like his nose would get in the way. The struggle.”

“Julia!” says Mr. Chapman. “Your best friend, May, is here. He is an interesting young fellow, I am sure you all will like him.”

“Oh. Perfect,” grumbles Julia.

“Wait, what? May? I do not even know this schmuck. Is he at our school, and more importantly, what kind of guy goes by 'May'? Well, just bring him out so I can make fun of him,” Arthur says.

“Sonny. Remember wha’ I told you abou’ makin’ fun of people? Like when you said Cousin Reggie’s head was shaped like a vulgar object an’ he had to get intensive psychiatric care?” Mrs. Westover scolds.

A boy who is the spitting image of Arthur, but with an afro, walks out of the bushes. “Hey, Julia!” he says in a surprisingly high-pitched voice. “I misse--”

“No,” says Arthur. “I am done with life.” He falls down onto the ground, curls up into a ball, and starts rocking back and forth.

“Get up,” scolds his mother.

“Wait…” says Julia, looking at the two boys. “GOD DAMNIT! It's worse than I thought! May, I’m gonna win this season and then I’ll use the money to get you plastic surgery. Nobody deserves to go through life looking like that guy.”

“Um, we look nothing alike,” says May. “He’s fat. Also, I’d never go around wearing a shirt that says ‘Puber T’ on it. Gross.”

“‘Ey, kid! I shed blood, sweat an’ tears -- ESPECIALLY tears -- workin’ on that shirt. Don’t be dissin’ it on my watch, or you’ll wish you had never come here,” Mrs. Westover says, and rolls up her sleeves.

“Ummm, lady, you might want to lose some of that chin flab. You look like William Howard Taft,” May says rudely.

Suddenly, another man walks out from the bushes, though this one is more familiar-looking. He seems to be in his mid-to-late 60s, has gelled gray hair that he is growing out, and is wearing a leather vest. “Gree--” he begins.

“OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD,” Layla says, and continues to repeat it.

“...tings,” finishes Charles. “It is nice to be back. Hello, Layla. Have you been able to do physical activity without me?”

“No,” Veronica says. “No, she really hasn’t.”

“Shut up, Veronica,” says Layla curtly, and she rushes over to Charles and tackle-hugs him. “Okay, I have this little list of all the stuff I’ve been wanting. Uh, three lattes, a bottle of whiskey, a complete mani-pedi with nail polish and everything, a perm -- my hair’s been getting really straight and ugly lately -- some new lip gloss, and a massage on every single part of my body.”

“Oh, but I am not going to be staying for long, just for this challenge. Is that okay? Also, I thought you were more of an independent person now. I guess some things never change, do they?” says Charles.

“What are you talking about? Of course I’m independent!” says Layla.

“Um, I beg to disagree,” says Veronica sassily. “You asked me to carry you from the couch to the fridge earlier. They’re literally two steps away from each other. Plus, you’re not that skinny, so… no thanks.”

“Oh, Layla, are you becoming hefty?” says Charles remorsefully. “Well, I have gotten into some escapades myself. Back in Japan, I met this vixen known as Agnes, and…”

“I am sorry to disrupt you from telling your extremely interesting story,” says Mr. Chapman without a hint of sarcasm. “But we must continue on with the family members. This is already proving to be very long and tedious. Nic, you are next, and…”

A Latin theme begins to play, but this time it doesn’t seem to be emanating from Nic’s phone. Sure enough, ex-Total Drama competitor Alejandro walks out from the bushes.

“I do not see a single person I know here…” Alejandro says. “Is this the right place? Greetings, my fellow competitors. I am Alejandro Burromuerto.” Nic turns white and faints.

“Oh my god, he’s just as tan in real life,” says Allison, while updating her HeadNovel status furiously.

“Um, nobody uses HeadNov-- oh my god, he’s just as tan in real life,” Chelsey says, with her mouth gaping wide. “Omg, Al, here’s my number!” She rushes up to him and hands him a slip of paper.

“Thank you, mi amor. I will be sure to keep this and treasure it in a special place for a special girl like you,” Alejandro says. Chelsey swoons.

Estrella is shown in the confessional. “Are they really falling for his bull@#$%, AGAIN? You’d think Chelsey, who advertises herself as some huge mastermind or whatever, would be too smart for that. I mean, Al IS hot, I’m not lying. I can see the appeal... but I’d never date him. Or anyone. Definitely not.”

“I shall make this quick,” says Mr. Chapman. “Trey, here is your brother, Keenan.”

“Oh, man, he’s here…? He’s so cool, though… Unlike me...” says Trey.

A guy who looks basically like Trey did during Total Drama: Tiki Jungle, but with a blue shirt and spiky black hair, walks out. “Hey, bros!” he says. “Yo! Trey! What happened to your tan, dude? It seems like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

“You haven’t… Usually I just retreat to my room when I’m at home… And I have existential crises and sigh a lot…” says Trey. He then whispers to Keenan quietly, “They think I’m gay. Just don’t ask any questions.”

Keenan says in the confessional, “Uh… What’s up with Trey, man? He seems all mopey and stuff on the outside, but what he just whispered to me basically proved he’s still his jerkish, manipulating self. How is he even still in the game, wasn’t he like an infamous villain or something?”

“Veronica. Your cousin, Marisa,” says Mr. Chapman.

A girl who looks similar to Veronica, but brunette with a pink streak in her hair, walks out. “Wow. Um, what’s going on here?” she says very loudly while blowing a bubble of gum. “Veronica, you being as much of a doormat here as you are at home?”

“Hey! I’m not a doormat,” says Veronica. “Believe me, I’ve been independent.”

“Yeah, sure,” says Marisa. “Flashback to Total Drama School, babe. At least you’re here at the merge. Got a boyfriend yet?”

“Well…” says Veronica. “Not really.” Marisa rolls her eyes.

Nic regains consciousness and suddenly stands up. “Oh, baby, I can be your…” He then sees Alejandro, his face turns white again, and he faints for the second time.

“And, last but not least…” says Mr. Chapman. “Wolfgang, one of your siblings is here to visit.”

“Ugh, no matter which one comes, it’ll be a nightmare,” groans Wolfgang.

A guy who seems to be in his mid-20s and resembles Wolfgang walks out. Both have the same unkempt look, but this guy is wearing tight brown skinny jeans and has multicolored, but mostly sandy brown, hair as well as five o’clock shadow and a leather vest.

He looks around at the silent group of people. “Hey, guys. I feel like we need more dancing happening right now,” he says. He then twirls in a circle. “Shoom! OK, that’s a little better. Hey, Wolfie!”

“Kyle? You? Really? Meh, you’re better than Whitney,” says Wolfgang grouchily. “But I never talk to you for a reason.”

“Aw, come on, cheer up! If it makes things better, you’re looking as cool as a fair number of cucumbers today,” Kyle says.

“I honestly prefer pickles,” says Wolfgang.

“Well, fellow…” says Charles, looking at Kyle. “I must say that I enjoy your leather vest. Though, I must also say that I wear it better. It showcases my muscles more.”

Before Mr. Chapman can say anything, Roz and Red’s car pulls up. “Get out!” hisses Roz, and Red runs out of the car and into the distance. She then looks at the contestants and their loved ones awkwardly, and gets out. “Hey, well, I’m FINALLY back!”

“Totally missed you,” says Estrella, rolling her eyes.

“Aww, you know you love me, Strelly,” says Roz. “Anyway, Chappy will obviously take forever explaining the challenge, and we are reeeeally running out of time, so let’s make this extremely quick. Today, you guys won’t even be competing! Your loved ones will be answering trivia about you, that we all got from your convenient pre-season interviews, and everyone with a correct answer scores a point. First loved one to five wins immunity for their partner, and also gets to spend the night with them!”

“Hey, Dad,” Flora says, pulling Mr. Smith aside. “So, these people all think I’m boring… That makes me sad. Can you pretend that I’m really interesting at home and stuff when you’re answering the questions?”

“Why, I suppose…” says Flora’s dad. “But you want to win the challenge, right? I don’t know if lying will necessarily help.”

“Aw, man…” says Flora, pouting. “I guess… Wait! No! I still want you to do it.” Flora’s dad nods his head reluctantly.

“But Roz, this is not fair! I do not even know my partner!” protests Alejandro.

“He is madly in love with you. That’s all you even need to know,” says Roz. “All right, you guys ready? Too bad. Let’s begin! First question… What is your partner’s favorite color?”

“Black!” says Aurelio immediately.

“Zebra striped tie-dye,” Mr. Smith blurts out.

“Clear,” says Kyle.

“Brown, like the color of Larry Fashions’ luscious flow,” shouts May.

“Pink!” giggles Allison.

“Um… orange, I think?” Marisa says nonchalantly.

“Well, once Layla told me that her favorite color was magenta and she wanted a magenta unicorn… But I will go with light teal, as in the color of her velvety, million-dollar bedsheets,” Charles says.

“Allison scores a point!” says Roz.

“Yaaaaas, werk it, hunty!” says Chelsey.

“And so do the rest of you… well, except Flora!” says Roz. “Yeah, I don’t really see the zebra striped tie-dye thing. Flora, you’re too mainstream for that.” Flora frowns.

“Roz, this challenge is a sham!” Alejandro says. “I do not know a thing about this man.”

“Al, my favorite color is deep, creamy orange… Like your tanned skin…” gushes Nic.

An enraged Alejandro is shown in the confessional. “Tan injusto! Those imbeciles… My tanned skin?! Only Heather is allowed to say that! Espeluznante!”

“Next question,” says Roz. “Who or what is your partner truly in love with?”

Julian!” says Aurelio. “I mean, ‘tis pretty obvious…” Estrella glares at him.

“Me…?” Alejandro says.

“Money,” states Charles, and Layla scoffs.

“Punk-rocker Donnie Bradke,” Mr. Smith says. “Flora likes the edgy guys.”

“He still hasn’t gotten over Ele--” begins Keenan. “Oh, wait, uh… Tom Monthly?”

“Gary still really likes Meg,” says Larry.

“I feel ya. M’ son has a bit of a crush on Julia here, even though she abuses him. Art is a pretty submissive guy,” Mrs. Westover states. Julia is shown with a horrified expression.

Julia says in the confessional, “Arthur… LIKES me?! What the @#$%?! First of all, ew, that’s REGUSTING, but…You mean he’s been an obnoxious moron for 17 years because he has a CRUSH ON ME?! Oh god that’s terrifying. I need to drink some bleach.”

“Aurelio, Charles, Larry, and Mrs. Westover score points!” says Roz. “Sorry Keen, Mr. S, and Al, but y’all are wrong. Aurelio leads with two, everyone else except Mr. Smith, Keenan and Alejandro have one! Next Q. What is your partner’s favorite food?”


The loved ones gear up for another question.

“Cashews,” Mrs. Westover says. “Tied with McChickens.”

“Estrella isn’t the biggest eater, y’know…” says Aurelio. “I do know that she likes my signature ‘death cakes,' though!”

“Tofu!” says Allison.

“Yeah, same with Trey. He says it represents the blankness of his mind… I don’t even know,” says Keenan.

“Explosive lava cakes with rainbow jelly topped with pudding,” says Mr. Smith.

“...Burritos?” Alejandro says.

“Crunchy schnitzel,” says Kyle.

“Foie gras with mustard seeds and green onions,” Charles says. “Yes, in addition to being a butler and motorcyclist, I am also a skilled cook. Meaning, I was forced to make this for Layla every night…”

“Hey, I gave you crumb-sized portions,” snaps Layla. “Don’t complain.”

“Aurelio now has three points!” Roz exclaims. “This dude is on fire. Charles, Kyle, Mrs. Westover, Allison, y’all have two! Everyone else has one. Except Mr. Smith and Alejandro. You two make me sick. Next question… What was the last thing that your partner said to you before this competition?”

“Absolutely nothing? After all, I have never met him,” says Alejandro.

“Oh, well, Layla said ‘I'll miss you, Charles! Be sure to have lots of fun with your new job, or whatever you're doing,'” says Charles. “I remember this because it made me the happiest man in the world. Pity she’s back to her old ways.”

Nobody says anything else, and Roz pipes up. “All right, Charlie, you’re tied with Aurelio now! You each have three! Everyone else is still doing pretty mediocrely. But eh, whatever! Let’s see where this goes!”

A montage is shown with the loved ones answering questions, and finally, Charles and Aurelio are both shown to have five points. “Mkay…” says Roz. “Well, since you both scored your fifth point at the exact same time, I guess it’s time for the rapid-fire round! You two will be forced to answer as many questions as possible in the span of one minute. The one who gets the most right wins immunity and gets to stay the night! Yay! Okay… Ready?”

“No, not really,” says Charles.

“GO! Loved one’s middle name?” says Roz.

“A,” says Charles. “Just the initial A.”

“Nightshade,” says Aurelio.

“Biggest fear!” says Roz.

“Stars! Ironic, eh?” says Aurelio.

“Going bankrupt,” says Charles.

“Birthday?” says Roz.

“October 30th,” says Aurelio.

“December 26th,” Charles says. “And yes, she forced us to get double the presents for her…”

“Wolfgang or Puck?” says Roz.

“Hates both equally, I am very sure of it,” says Charles.

“Wolfgang!” says Aurelio.

The two continue to rattle off more answers, then the timer sounds. “Okay!” says Roz. “We have our winner. By one point, the winner of this challenge is… Charles! So Layla wins immunity, Charles is spendin’ the night, and the rest of you guys,” she points to the loved ones, “Get outta here. I’ll give you like a second to say bye to everyone.”

“All right, well, I hope you do well, Wolfie!” Kyle says. “I also saw that you have a lady friend. Oh, it’s always nice to have someone…”

“Hey, thanks,” says Wolfgang grumpily. “Glad you could make it, bro. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go inside, comb my hair, and complain about my life. See ya.” He pats Kyle on the back and leaves.

“Gurl, you are totally gonna win!” says Allison to Chelsey. “I’ll see you at home. Now, if only Mom bought you expensive lip gloss like she did to me…” She grins evilly.

“Um, okay? I was always Mom’s favorite. I’m so much prettier than you,” says Chelsey. “Get out.”

“I’m out,” says Mrs. Westover. “Now, Ahthuh, be sure to eat healthy portions of your food. Don’t want you to get even bigger. And be Puber T moah often. I’m watchin’ ya. C’mon, son, let’s go.” She looks at May, then realizes her mistake, and leaves.

“Whatevurrr, I'm out of here,” May snorts, and he leaves as well. 

“I wish you could lighten up, bro,” says Keenan to Trey. “I’m always here if you need anything.”

“Keenan, I don’t need anything…” Trey says. “I’m fine on my own… I can totally win it…”

Trey says in the confessional, “My brother is really not the smartest dude... He’s always like ‘ohhhh, bro, that’s soooo cooool’ but doesn’t even care about my true well-being. He’s always been the better brother in everything, but once I win the million dollars, that WILL change. Hah.”

“Goodbye, Flora!” says Mr. Smith. “Your mom, Emily, Aiden, and I will all be waiting for you at home! And remember, you’re not boring. You’re a very nice girl.”

Flora says in the confessional, “I want to believe him because he’s my dad… But still, nobody is acknowledging my existence. Wouldn’t you think that they’d be like ‘whoa, Flora, you’re so alterna’ after seeing the answers in the challenge? Or do they not believe me? Oh no.”

“Try to be less of a doormat, cuz,” says Marisa to Veronica. “That’s really all I have to say.”

“I’m glad you’re even in the season in the first place!” Larry says. “You can do it! Just pray to Shrek every night, and you’ll be fine.”

“Thanks, bro, I’ll totally appreciate your words of wisdom. After all, you ARE a wise dude,” says Gary.

“Aurelio, I’m kinda disappointed in you,” Estrella says dryly. “I’m so glad you could come out here, though. Really. I don’t express human emotions too often but I can assure you that I’m very glad. Thanks.”

“Yeah, any time!” Aurelio pats Estrella on the back. “Well, I’m off. Do it! I’ll be watching ya.” He vanishes off into the sunset.

“Aw, just one picture?” Nic pleads. “So I can brag to my buddies? Pleeeease?!”

“I am sorry, but I don’t take pictures with fans,” says Alejandro arrogantly. He turns to Chelsey and stares at her faux-lovingly. “Although, with you, I may make an exception…” Chelsey blushes.

“Well, all right, fine,” a visibly teary Nic says, as Alejandro hurriedly leaves the premises. He looks at Veronica. “I guess it’s back to you, darling…”

The contestants are then shown in the cabin, where Layla is lying down on the couch and Charles is sitting there right next to her. “I missed you,” says Layla. “So many things for you to do. So many. Glad I don’t have to deal with incompetent fudgeballs like Veronica anymore.”

Veronica is shown in the confessional. “Really?! Even with Charles here, she’s still mean?! What was she thinking when she randomly turned nice at the end of last season?”

“So, I was like, ‘Veronica, I wish you could help me with something,' and she totally just said no,” says Layla, recounting the story to Charles. “I’ve had enough with that girl. She’s going home tonight.” Nic, peeking out from behind the couch, gasps.

Nic is shown in the confessional. “No! That demoness is not voting Veronica out. What will I have to look at if she leaves, crudely photoshopped Fumblr pictures of Alejandro?! I’m keeping Veronica in, since I must woo her.”

Julia is shown at a table, sitting down with Chelsey and Estrella while scowling. “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m voting Nic,” says Estrella. “It got bad when he kissed me. But it’s gotten worse with his new, totally fun and clever tactic of depriving me of sleep.”

“I still can’t believe Arthur likes me,” mutters Julia. “That’s just mindblowingly gross. I would vote for him but Nic IS annoying, too. It’s hard. You bring up some good points, sis.”

Estrella says in the confessional, “Aurelio visiting totally taught me that I can’t just sit around and snark, I have to take charge. I mean, sitting around and snarking is fun and all, but Nic MUST GO.”

“Hi, Estrella…” says Trey. “You’re thinking of voting Nic out too? I wouldn’t mind that… He’s always been a jerk…”

“You’re right,” says Estrella, gasping. “Nic has harassed you, right? Yeah, then that’s perfect. He’s a goner.”

“Plus, he’s a threat…” says Trey, pointing to Nic.

“This is what I am currently looking at buying,” Nic shows Gary and Arthur a picture of a pink striped sarong on his uPad. “It’s from Spencer’s Sarongs. What a nice fit on my buff, jacked bod.”

“Whoa! I wish I could rock one of those,” says Gary.

Arthur, with the red underwear on his head, states, “Yes, it is perfectly normal for teens to want to be drag queens. Just a bit of insecurity.”

“Yeah. Total threat,” scoffs Estrella to Trey. “Screw that, though, I’m still voting for him.”

Wolfgang is shown in the confessional, trying to untie the knots in his hair. “I know that Trey guy is up to something. Nobody is just that naturally shady. Blah, blah, you claim to be gay, whatever. Nobody believes that nimrod, anyway, at least I hope. I’m really bummed that Helga’s gone, though… After Puck left, of course she had to go too. Ugh. I wish the world could give me nice things.”

Estrella knocks on the door of the confessional and comes in. “Vote Nic,” she yells at Wolfgang.

“HEY!” yells Wolfgang. “Can’t I just get some me time?” He blinks. “Uh… that sounded dubious. Whatever, I’m trying to concentrate!” Estrella slams the door.

Roz is shown at the elimination ceremony with the contestants, plus Charles, who is in his leather vest once again. “Hey, guys! So. The first seashell goes to Layla, for winning the challenge! Congrats, girlie!” She catches her seashell.

“Chelsey, Arthur, Flora, Wolfgang,” recites Roz. All of them grab their seashells.

“Gary! You’re safe,” says Roz.

“Whoo!” says Gary as he catches his seashell.

“And Julia too!” says Roz. “So are you, Trey.” Trey smiles deviously.

Nic, Estrella, and Veronica are shown in the bottom three. “Well, well, well,” says Roz. “Nic, you definitely annoy people, and Estrella and Veronica… Truth is, I don’t even know why you guys are here. And for some inexplicable reason, Nic is safe.” She tosses a seashell to Nic.

“What?!” Veronica, Trey and Estrella all say.

“The final seashell goes to…”


“What?!” yells Estrella. “Normally I’d be pretty apathetic that I'm leaving, but… Aurelio really put some competitive drive into me. Eh, whatever. I am 99% sure that this is Trey’s fault.”

“What the crap are you talking about…” says Trey. “Do you really think I would strategize… Man, I can barely even move…”

“Bye, Strelly!” Roz says sadly. “Y’know, I really liked you in Tokyo. I totally wish you could’ve gotten farther. Better luck next time!”

“Yeah, that implies that there will be a next time,” Estrella says. “Nope. I’m out of here, for good this time. Later.”

Estrella heads to the Boat of Losers, where an African-American fellow with a beanie covering a large afro is lounging. “Whoa, hey!” says Julian. “I was just coming here to explain the challenge for the next episode. Some sort of music tournament, I guess? But screw that, this is SO MUCH better. Nice to see you, babe.”

“Normally, I’d be very blank and dismissive, but after seeing how awful the contestants on this season are, I’d be more than happy to start hanging out,” says Estrella. “And believe me. I don’t get happy much.”

“I’ve finally scored!” Julian says. “See, Tolkien?” He looks at the camera. “This is how you pick up a woman.” Estrella leans closer into Julian’s arms, and the boat chugs off.

“Tic-tac-toe, two snarkers gone in a row!” Roz says, popping up. “Who will prevail? Who will fail? What will Layla do now that Charles is FINALLY here? Find out the answers to all these burning questions and more, next time on Total… Drama… Superstar Showdown!”

Chapter 14 - If U Seek Gail

“Last time on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown…” Roz began. “Chappy took over as host, once again! But after I dumped my stupid boyfriend, I finally returned. There was a fun little Christmas-themed challenge where the contestants’ family members, and Alejandro, visited and competed in a trivia challenge testing just how much they really knew about their loved ones. The one and only Charles from Total Drama Tokyo won the challenge for Layla and is now spending the night in the cabin with everyone! Estrella was voted out, sadly, since she’s one of my buds. I’m not exactly sure why she was voted out, or what the circumstances surrounding the whole thing were. Pretty mysterious, huh? There’s only one way to find out, though! Tune in today on Total… Drama… Superstar Showdown!”

The contestants are all shown in the cabin, sleeping. Gary is awake and sitting on the couch, browsing Freddit. “Hmm… Anything about on this season on here?” he says, scrolling through.

Gary is shown in the confessional. “I’m startin’ to think that there’s something sketchy going on. Maybe Trey is back up to his old tricks and mystery voting again? Maybe Veronica secretly went berserk after being super irrelevant in School? Maybe Chelsey and Layla are working together due to being the obvious fan favorites and eliminating everyone else? ...Or maybe my paranoia is just over nine thousand?”

Wolfgang, in his pajamas, walks in from the kitchen and crashes onto the couch, putting his naked feet on top of Gary’s keyboard. He immediately falls asleep.

“Uh… Dude? Wanna wake up, please?” Gary says. He tickles Wolfgang’s foot discreetly.

“YOWZA!” yells Wolfgang. He wakes up, and has massive bags under his eyes. “Hey, what was that for? Ugh, stupid wannabe neckbeards and their obsession with the interwebs disrupting my quality naptime…”

“Heh,” says Gary. “Sorry, dude. I’m just pretty suspicious of some goings-on around here. First of all, you have a thing with Helga?! Really? She’s not the most likable gal around.”

“And you think I’m the most likable guy around?” snarls Wolfgang. “That’s hilarious. How did you even hear about that, anyway?”

“Ah, it’s totally gone viral,” Gary says. “It’s all over the front page of fr/totaldrama. Dude, they’re all shipping you! You’ve even got a portmanteau couple name!”

“What does that even mean?” Wolfgang says, angered. “Look, I don’t want you buffoons bothering me about Helga. Seriously, it’s not something I want to talk about.”

Arthur suddenly pops up from behind the couch, and Gary and Wolfgang jump. “Ooh, are we talking about uncomfortable subjects? Yes, count me in.”

Arthur is shown in the confessional. “I cannot believe that my secret love for Julia was exposed to everyone. Like, yeah, I told Kav about it a while ago, but that is not something I tell to just anyone. I mean, it will be hard for Julia to control her undying love for me now that she knows I share her feelings. Oh, yes, Julia loves me. ‘Tis obvious.”

“So, Layla,” Charles says to Layla, who is lying in one of the beds wearing a sleeping mask. “I was just wondering, why is it that you have acted identically to how you were in Tokyo, if not worse, when you said you had changed your ways post-win?”

“Um, don’t sass me, Charles,” Layla says. She then gulps. “Oops, sorry, don’t mean to be rude to you, heh… But yeah, I just missed you, that’s all. Like, I don’t know how to do ANYTHING. I’ve been relying on you this entire time.”

“Well, that shan’t be an issue anymore once I whip you back into tip-top shape,” Charles says. “I have picked up some tricks from my motorcycling gang back in Tokyo. We must work out your abdominal muscles, then you will have strength to go to the fridge.”

“Physical work? Hahahahahahaha, nope,” Layla laughs obnoxiously. “Are you kidding me? No way.”

Charles flexes, and his shirt rips off, revealing his buff stomach. “Get onto the floor and do twenty clap push-ups.”

“Ugh, fine,” says Layla. “But only because you’re Charles.”

Charles says in the confessional, “I truly believe that Layla can go back to being a nice, courteous girl. I just need to be there to help her. I am afraid of what will happen when I leave...”

Layla attempts to do a clap push-up, but a loud “snap” is heard and she is instantly shown lying on the ground moaning loudly.

“Ugh, this is dumb,” Layla says. “You know, Webflicks is calling me anyway. I have to watch the next season of Plaid is the Next Brown.” She takes out a jewel-encrusted laptop and puts in golden earbuds.

Trey is shown in the corner, moping with his eyes shut, as usual. There is a rustling noise, and Nic drops down from the ceiling silently tied to a rope. He takes a few pictures of Trey, then the rope snaps and he falls face-first onto the ground. Before Trey can look at him, Nic scurries away.

Nic says in the confessional, “I know Trey is up to something. Believe me, I am even more devious than before. Meeting Al kinda helped me with that. But word got around that Trey was targeting me last night, and I’m the only true villain here, so I have to stop him.”

Nic walks over to Flora. “Greetings, m’lady,” he says.

“Hi!” says Flora sweetly. “Wait… Have I ever talked to you?”

“We have no time for that,” says Nic hushedly. “Trey thinks he’s evil. We are getting him out. No ifs, ands, or buts.”

“Oh! Wait, why? He’s so nice!” says Flora. “He’s also gay, too. Oops! I don’t think I should’ve said that…”

“Trey is a homosexual?!” Nic says. “That’s even less believable than… uh, what's something that’s really not believable… Bigfoot! I have no doubt that that’s just one of his schemes to try to be as evil as me, Nic.”

“Aw, really?” says Flora. “I think he’s telling the truth! Trey is really great, and doesn’t lie.”

“Hmm, by the way, what was up with your weird answers for the challenge, despite being the human equivalent of an ant?” Nic says. “I am dubious.”

“Uh…” Flora says. “Yeah, I’m pretty hardcore, right?”

Flora says in the confessional, “Whoa, finally someone who believes me! Nic seems pretty cool, and he hasn’t called me boring… yet, so I’m gonna make a friend! Eeee!”

“Yep, the music I listen to is pretty… what do the cool cats say, hella?” Flora says. “Yep. Most bands I listen to don’t even exist. Rad.”

“I do not listen to much music,” says Nic. “I prefer to listen to Alejandro’s soothing voice over and over.” Flora looks at Nic, disturbed.

Chelsey, Veronica and Julia are shown, sitting in the other corner. “Oh my god, I can’t get over the fact that Arthur likes you. It’s so funny, yet so repulsive,” Chelsey gossips. “You know you can do better than that, right, gurl?”

“Can it,” snaps Julia. “I don’t need to be reminded that that abomination has a thing for me. Considering the fact that he does not sing in a boy band, and he’s fat as @#$%, and also really ugly, I’m never gonna date him. I’d rather date Nic. And THAT is saying something.”

“Oh man, yeah, I’d agree with you there,” says Chelsey. “You’d totally lose PP if you went for him, just saying.”

“HEY! Quit implying that it’s even something I’m considering! Because it’s NOT! OKAY?!” yells Julia.

“Um, guys, Nic likes me,” Veronica says.

“Jeez,” Chelsey says, ignoring Veronica. “I was just giving you a warning. Which you should totally heed, since you know, I’m the Queen C.”

“You’re more like the Queen Stop-talking-about-that-morbidly-obese-moron-because-I’m-getting-sick-and-tired-of-it,” rages Julia.

“Yeah? Well--” Chelsey begins. “Oh, hi, Veronica! You, on the other hand, should totally go for Nic. He’s creepy and weird, yes, but he’s also suuuper jacked. Obviously he’s no Alejandro, but it’s not like you’re the most outstanding looker either! ...Uh, did that come off rude? Sorry! Xo!”

Veronica says in the confessional, scowling, “If that horrible Chelsey makes me become her crony like Layla did before, I’m gonna lose it.”

“Ew,” Julia says. “Nope, Nic is gross. Take it from someone who has a fantastic taste in guys, aka me. If you say otherwise, I’ll smash your face in with a crowbar.”

“Uh, yeah, I’m really not into him,” Veronica says. “I mean, he’s kinda cute, but… His personality is like a zero out of ten.”

“Who is kinda cute?” Arthur says, popping up menacingly behind Veronica.

“Leave,” says Julia abruptly.

“Poo,” says Arthur, pouting and walking away.

The contestants are then shown walking to their next challenge, which is in the middle of the forest where Roz stands waiting.

“What happened to all the snow…” mutters Trey. “Wasn’t it just Christmas…?”

“Hey, weather’s weird here, we’re in Michigan,” snaps Roz. “Anyway, you guys ready to get to the challenge? I hope so, because I am! So. Let’s see here. We were ORIGINALLY going to do a music tournament, where you guys would get some fancy equipment and make your own songs and jam out, but SOMEONE left with Estrella despite being required to be here for the challenge. It was, like, under his contract. So, he’s blowing us off, and here’s the thing. Normally I’d force you guys to go and get me a latte or something, but the producers want a Tokyo contestant to help us with today’s challenge. And here’s the other thing. Practically everyone from Tokyo is either here competing, at the losers’ lodge, has disappeared off the face of the earth, wants nothing to do with us anymore, or just… weird. Yeah, not bringing Yuri back, oops. So that leaves one person. And I really didn’t want to have to do this, but the producers completely pushed for it. So, it is my pleasure to announce ex-Total Drama contestant… Gail.”

“Who?” says everyone other than Flora, who has a horrified expression on her face.

Flora says in the confessional, “Gail? The girl who insulted me for being boring while having no personality either? Aww, man… Seriously, Roz?!”

The trees rustle, and Gail swoops down. She is wearing camouflaged clothing and has warpaint below her eyes, in addition to a mossy green-colored bandana.

“That’s right, I’m back,” says Gail. “I doubt you guys remember me. But I totally remember you all… And especially you.” She grins evilly at Flora.

Gail says in the confessional, “The fact that the stupid freakin’ viewers called ME boring, when SHE exists, is blasphemous. I’m out to get my revenge. She better fear me.”

“So, who even is this person and what is our challenge?” Nic says.

“Your challenge is to hide in the woods,” says Roz. “Basically, it’s like Hide and Be Sneaky back in TDI, only Gail is chasing you rather than Chef. Apparently he had an ‘appointment’ to go to. And I’ve been told that the gun she’s carrying doesn’t carry water in it, only a ‘mysterious, life-threatening fluid,’ whatever that means. Oh, and if you’re tagged, NO helping Gail. Nuh-uh. Nope. The last person to be found wins the challenge! So, yeah, you guys got like ten minutes to hide wherever you want, then it’s time to release Gail!”

“Heh-heh-heh…” laughs Gail evilly, rubbing her hands together.

Julia sprints away, and Arthur follows her, huffing and puffing. “Hey… Julia… Would you mind it if I came and hid with you?”

“YES,” Julia says rudely. “Your soft, @#$%ty body would give us both away. Scram.”

Julia says in the confessional, “As much as it pains me to say this… I actually prefer obnoxious moron Arthur to lovey-dovey Arthur.”

Arthur says in the confessional, “Wooing Julia shall be rather difficult. Wait, I have an idea...” He takes out his cell phone. “There’s only one other person who has experience dealing with volatile gingers.” He dials a number on his phone.

Wolfgang is then shown in the woods, covering himself with sticks and forest brush. “Hm,” he says. He smears some mud on his arms and dives into a nearby pile of leaves.

“I know nothing about Gail,” he says in the confessional. “Except that she called me cute on the very first day of Tokyo, for some reason - she’s probably got vision issues - and she’s freakin’ scary. Thankfully, I’m an expert at hiding.”

Flora is then seen walking about and sees the pile of leaves Wolfgang is hiding in. “Ooh!” she says quietly. She then brushes off some leaves and accidentally touches Wolfgang’s head.

Wolfgang jumps up. “AAAAAAAUGH!”

“Eeeeeeek!” screams Flora. The two scream at each other for a while, then Flora pipes up. “Oh! I’m so sorry! I didn’t see you there!”

“Shhh, Gail could be coming!” snaps Wolfgang. “But that’s fine. Just… get in here.” He grabs some massive handfuls of leaves and places them onto the pile, and the two crawl in.

“How did you do that?” says Flora blandly. “This is really cool!”

“Yeah, I don’t go to school often…” says Wolfgang. “I pretty much don’t do anything except go into the woods in my free time and build stuff like this. It’s a good place to get away from people, considering I hate most of ‘em.”

“I don’t hate you!” Flora says sweetly.

“Heh… Uh, I mean, I don’t know if the feeling is mutual,” growls Wolfgang. “But if you shut up and let me win the challenge, then yeah, I won’t hate you either.”

“Okay!” says Flora. The two quiet down.

Gail then sprints by. “Ugh, I swear I heard some of them around here!” She pauses, looks around, doesn’t notice Wolfgang and Flora, then leaves.

Gail is shown in the confessional. “Being an Animal Lover, I live like an animal sometimes, and as a result, I have quite the keen sense of smell. And I SWORE I smelled something! It smelled like a combination of schnitzel, B.O., and perfume. Hmm…”

Trey is then shown in a tree, staring out into space. Chelsey walks by, and Trey jumps from the tree, startling Chelsey.

“Hey…” says Trey. “Thanks for helping me vote out Estrella last night…”

“Um, yeah, why wouldn’t I?” Chelsey says. “Estrella was pretty lame, and I’m always in the mood for helping you out! You’re really just a misunderstood, flaming dude, y’know? Plus, you have some experience with being popular, and that ALWAYS helps.”

“All right…” says Trey. “So, I guess we have an alliance or something now…? That sounds cool…”

Chelsey says in the confessional, “Okay, Trey is a weirdo. I’m kinda uncomfortable around him. Buuut, he’s such a sweetie and he’s really strategic, too! As you know, I LOVE strategy.”

“Hey, where do you think we should hide…” says Trey. “What about this tree?”

“Haha, I like you and all, but I’m going to go off on my own. I’m a strong independent woman. Toodles, Trey!” Chelsey says, and she runs away.

Trey climbs back up into the tree and continues to stare into the distance. Nic’s head drops down from a far tree branch and gasps.

Nic is shown in the confessional. “I KNEW it! Trey was the culprit of the Estrella vote-out! His act is not fooling me whatsoever. I laugh at his pathetic attempts to be a villain. I gotta inform the others!”

Nic sprints across the tree then falls out of it. He lands right on top of Veronica, who’s walking by.

“Oof!” says Nic, landing on her. He then quickly reaches in and kisses her on the lips.

“Ew, what are you doing, Nic?!” Veronica says, startled.

Nic then rips his shirt off. “My darling, it is dangerous to go alone in these woods. Take this.” He drapes the sweatshirt around Veronica.

“Ohmygod, it’s so sweaty…” Veronica says, crumpling up his shirt into a ball. “Okay, Nic, listen, I’m not really interested in pursuing a relationship. Is that okay? Did I hurt you? Bye...” She walks away.

“B-b-but…” Nic says. “Aw, come on, can I at least have my shirt back?”

Veronica says in the confessional, “Aw, I feel bad… But that’s something I had to do! I have to assert myself! Nic is a great guy, I’m sure, when he’s not trying to be like someone he isn’t. I prefer guys to just be themselves! Though I suspect his true self is pretty weird, too…”

Gail then appears out of nowhere, and shoots her gun at Nic and Veronica. The two are then doused with the suspicious liquid. “Gotcha!” she shrieks.

“Curses!” yells Nic. “Wait, you’re pretty attractive too…”

“You guys are coming along with me,” says Gail forcefully. “Right now. Tell me if you see anything mysterious stalking about in the woods.”

Gary is shown mysteriously stalking about in the woods. He then sees a cave, and sprints into it.

“Whoo! Yeah!” he says, looking around. “This is a great hiding spo-- Oh.” Layla and Charles are shown in the corner, having a deep conversation.

“Greetings,” says Charles. “I do believe that Layla found this cave first.”

“I promise I won’t talk, all right?” Gary says.

“Ew, you’ll still be annoying,” says Layla. “Even your breathing irks me. Get out.”

“Layla, what did I tell you about improving your personality for good like you did for a short while back in Tokyo?” Charles said. “Being polite to others is a very good step.”

“Yeah, agreed,” says Gary. “Then maybe you’d be more well-liked online. People don’t really like you, sorry.”

“They don’t like me?! ME?! Wait, what did I do?” Layla says. “This happened last season too. Urgh. Charles, fix it.”

Charles takes out a massive uPad. “My dear Layla, I do not have any service out here. Plus, it does not matter what others think about you. What you think about yourself is the one thing that truly counts.”

“Yeah, and I think I’m really smart, nice, and pretty,” says Layla. “And also… kinda lonely, you know? That’s what you’re here for!” She hugs Charles.

“Hey, I can be your fri--” Gary starts.

“No,” Layla says. “Go back to creepily hitting on Meg.”

“Layla, I regret to inform you that I am leaving tonight after this challenge is over,” Charles says. Layla’s eyes begin to water. “How will you survive once I have resumed my motorcycling career in Tokyo?”

“I’m totally going to do it,” says Layla. “Just watch me.”

“Yep, since you did it so well last time,” Gary says sarcastically.

“I don’t even KNOW YOU!” Layla yells.

“Aw, fine,” Gary says. “If you’re gonna be like that, I guess I’ll just find another hiding spot.” He runs out of the cave. He is then heard screaming loudly, and Gail is heard cackling.

“Sometimes the universe just gets me what I want,” shrugs Layla. Charles weakly nods his head.

Arthur is then shown, still talking on the phone. “Okay? Is this truly what you think would be good, or are you just joshin’ me again? No? All right. The deed shall be done.” He then hangs up. “Now, if I were a small, cute brown-haired ginger with anger management issues and a disturbing obsession with a band aimed at tweens, where would I be?”

A cough is then heard. Arthur looks behind the tree in front of him, and sure enough, Julia is standing there, hiding. “EW! What are you doing here?!” she hisses. “I’m trying to hide!”

“Julia…” says Arthur, recounting Puck’s advice. “Can you be my bae?”

Julia looks at Arthur for an extended period of time with a completely blank expression. “Wait, is this just you being annoying, as usual, or are you being serious?” Julia says.

“I am being entirely serious,” says Arthur. “As serious as my great-grandma Trudy was when she realized there was a leech in her intestines.”

“Okay, Arthur, lose like a hundred pounds, get a perm, and write 54 songs - well, not counting the unreleased ones - about girls you find beautiful, then we’ll talk. Until then, NO,” Julia says. She kicks him in the crotch, then storms away.

Julia is shown in the confessional. “URGGHHHH! Okay, listen. I have a confession to make. Maybe kindergarten-aged Julia might’ve had a crush on Arthur. Y’know how the little girlies like to be mean to guys they like? Yep, that happened. But not anymore. No way. That was before he got husky. And he was actually a freakin’ gentleman back then.”

Wolfgang and Flora are then shown, out of the leaf pile, but in what looks like a remote part of the woods. “Startin’ a fire is pretty easy, actually,” grumbles Wolfgang, as he collects some sticks and adds them to the fire he has made. “Good defense for if Gail comes.”

“That’s really cool!” says Flora. “I like roasting marshmallows when I make campfires.”

There is a sound, and Gail swoops down from behind Flora. “And I like roasting YOU!” she yells. Gail pounces towards Flora, and Flora begins to sprint away from Wolfgang.

“Wait! Don’t you wanna know how I keep starting fires?!” Wolfgang yells.

“Uh, I’m kinda busy!” yells Flora, trying to dodge the sprays of liquid coming out of Gail’s gun.

Wolfgang, looking at Flora being chased by the angry Gail, shrugs and continues to sit back and tend to the fire.

Wolfgang says in the confessional, “Yeah, I guess I don’t despise Flora, as much as I hate to admit it. I mean, sure, she has no personality whatsoever, and I can see through her vapid attempts to be ‘cool,’ but I prefer no personality to an abhorrent personality, like pretty much everyone else here.”

Flora then dives into a bush, and Gail stops. “Ugh, again?” she says. “Roxette Madelleine Gail Zzyzwicz will NOT give up! Okay, where are my minions?!”

Gary, Nic, and Veronica mope up behind Gail. “Man, I really don’t want to do this!” says Gary. “My joints are aching! Going from sitting on the Internet to being thrust into the competition really hurt me physically…”

“Hmm, Gail,” says Veronica. “Do you think I could lead you to where Layla is?”

“Eh, whatever, I don’t care,” says Gail gruffly. “I want to find that Flora first. Fresh meat.”

“Now, while Gail is off finding Flora, would you like to talk with me? We can have some bonding time, hm?” Nic winks. “You did say you wanted to know the real me.”

“Wait, how did you know that?!” panics Veronica. “That was confessional-only info…”

“Well, first of all, I enjoy Jon Blue novels,” Nic says. “Since you are very much a typical teen, we can bond over that.”

Nic says in the confessional, “That’s what’s popular right now… right? I mean, I would not know, considering the only text I regularly read is How To Be A Burromuerto: An Autobiography.”

“Oh… I actually mostly just read instruction manuals,” Veronica says. “I especially like the ones that come from that Norwegian furniture company! I can’t really understand what they say, haha… But I like chairs!”

“Okay… Well, I guess that works,” says Nic.

Chelsey is then shown with Arthur and Julia, walking along. “You know, Julia, as gross as Arthur is, he DOES have a cult following. It’d be a surefire way to get you more popular, girl,” Chelsey says.

“...Ugh, Chelsey, you said earlier today that I’d LOSE PP if I went for him!” Julia says.

“Well… Um…” Chelsey says, thinking. “I guess… Yeah, ignore that. Don’t date him.”

“You’re obviously saying that because you would like to date me instead,” winks Arthur. “I know it, Chelsey. And also--” His watch then beeps, and sure enough, the underwear is on his head. “Getting into a serious relationship while one is young has a strong potential to be volatile. Yes, it is not the greatest choice, but once you’ve matured in other areas, you--”

“ARTHUR, SHUT UP!” yells Julia. “Seriously, Gail is going to find us any second, thanks to you!”

“And that second is now…” cackles a voice from the trees. Gail swoops down on a vine, grabs the three, then attempts to get away. Arthur’s girth weighs her down, however, and the four fall onto the ground.

Julia lands on top of Arthur and her lips touch his. Arthur then shouts loudly and flings the underwear off of his head. “YAS!” he yells.

“Wait, what just happened?!” Julia says. She suddenly realizes what she has done. “NOOOOOOOO!” she wails.

“Okay, that’s super cute and all, but…” says Chelsey. “I spent a really, really long time on this hair and makeup today, folks. Thanks a lot, GAIL.”

“Chelsey, I know that you have a purse made out of crocodile skin at home!” Gail says angrily.

“Wait, how did you know that…?” says Chelsey, looking scared.


“Well, okay, but--” says Chelsey.

“SHUT IT!” bellows Gail. “I’ve captured you, anyway! And your little friends, too!”

“Um, I wouldn’t be caught dead with these two under any circumstances other than these,” says Chelsey, rolling her eyes.

“That was totally on purpose,” says Arthur. “Yes, it’s all coming together now. Your wrath towards me in math class, on Tiki Jungle, and even here, it is all because of your love for me. Seriously, you may say ‘Arthur is awful,’ but on the inside, you’re really thinking ‘Arthur is love, Arthur is life.’”

“I literally fell smack-dab on top of your massive noggin, how did you not think I’d touch you somewhere?” Julia growls. “It just happened to be on the lips. Nothing to do with romance or anything. Ugh.”

“Minions, come with me! We have mad work to do!” Gail says. “Who’s left… Trey, Layla, Wolfgang, and FLORA?! She’s still out there? I will go to the ends of the earth to make sure she doesn’t win…”

Veronica, Nic, and Gary materialize out of the bushes. “Oh, hi, guys!” says Veronica. “Listen, I know where Layla is. Follow me.”

“I don’t give a @#$% about Layla! I WANT FLORA!” Gail yells.

“You know, Flora could possibly be on the way to Layla!” says Veronica. “Come on!”

“Okay, fine,” Gail grumbles. “Come on, posse.” She leads the growing mob of contestants to the cave.

Trey is then shown sitting on the ground, playing with dirt. He sees the group, shrugs, and joins them. “Hi…” he says.

“Wait, what? You’re voluntarily coming with us?” Nic says. “That doesn’t seem very villainous of you, now, does it?”

“I’m in a pensive mood, dude…” says Trey. “No time for challenges…”

Trey says in the confessional, “You know, it’s true… I am feeling pensive. Keenan is actually good for something, and that something is putting vengeful thoughts in my head. I can use my alliance with Chelsey to take out a nuisance like Nic or an actual threat… Who would that be, though…”

“So, um, what’s with your fashion sense?” Layla says to Wolfgang, who’s now in the cave with him, Charles, and Flora. “That scarf is really, really cute. It looks like something I’d buy on one of my ‘pretend-to-be-poor’ days.”

“Layla, is this what you consider being nice to others?” Charles says.

“Charles, you KNOW I’m a nice chick,” snaps Layla. “Oh, wait, don’t wanna be rude to you, you’re Charles, I forgot. Sorry!” She frowns.

“Hmph,” says Wolfgang. “I got it at Suburban Dressers, if you really care THAT much. One of the only times I actually went into civilization and came out satisfied. Well, except for that moronic hipster who said I needed to brush my hair… Let’s not talk about what happened when THAT tickled my eardrums.”

Suddenly, Gail appears. “GOTCHA!” she yells. The two are squirted with the suspicious liquid.

“UGH!” says Layla. “Charles, do you have any way to magically separate this water from my clothes?” She sniffs it. “Oh, wait… That is NOT water.”

“Great,” Wolfgang rolls his eyes, while sitting there sopping wet.

Flora peeks her head out from behind the rock. “Wait! Is that everyone? Does that mean…”

“Wait. No. It can’t be. Nononono. That’s not--” Gail begins.

Roz appears from out of nowhere. “Yep! You’re right, Gail! Flora! Wins! Immunity!” Flora jumps up and down and squeals.

Flora is shown in the confessional. “Eeee! Finally an immunity! Will this improve the public’s opinion of me? Does winning tons of challenges count as a personality? Oh my god, I hope so soooo much!”

“Whatever, I’m out of here,” Gail grumbles. She throws down a smoke bomb, and disappears in a cloud of brightly colored smoke. Everyone stares.

The contestants are shown meandering about the cabin before the elimination ceremony.

“All right, Layla, I’m afraid ‘tis time,” says Charles, who has his motorcycle parked right next to him.

“Come on!” Layla says. “Couldn’t we hide you in the cabin? You’d totally fit. But… I guess… Fine. Just leave.” She begins to sob and jumps into Charles’s arms.

“Oh… Well, I am flattered that you think so highly of me,” says Charles.

“Dude, you’re great,” says Layla. “Keep doing what you’re doing. As for me, I’ll keep doing what I’M doing, also known as being pissy that you’re not around. I’ll be fine!”

Charles smiles, puts on his helmet, and says, “Do you think you could pull off a second win? I think yes.” He then drives off into the sunset as romantic music plays.

Layla says in the confessional, “Despite me treating him like crap for 95% of his airtime, that man is a legend. But I’m PISSED at Veronica for giving me away. I want her gone.”

Gary is shown inside the house eating pizza. “Hey, Nic, who you voting?” he says. “Wanna vote Trey? I still want the guy out.”

Nic, who is looking up Norwegian furniture, looks up from his computer screen for a second. “Oh. Meh. Sure, I suppose.”

Nic is shown in the confessional. “Do I vote for Trey now, or do I wait to have a villainous breakout later on so I can take out Trey in a flashy manner? Decisions, decisions…”

Veronica is shown in the confessional. “I’m really content with how this challenge turned out! Flora representing the Chicks Against Boringness and winning makes me happy. But obviously, I’d prefer if it was me. Thankfully, I’m voting Layla tonight!”

Roz is shown with the contestants at the elimination ceremony. “Hello, everyone!” she says. “Soooo, looks like Gail didn’t brutally maim any of you. Good, good. I’m liking it. Flora, here’s a seashell for winning the challenge!”

Flora catches her seashell and embraces it.

“Arthur, Julia, you two lovers are safe too,” says Roz. Julia, with an enraged look on her face, starts breathing heavily.

“Trey, Wolfgang, Chelsey, Nic, aaaand Gary,” says Roz.

“Yippee!” says Gary, as he catches his seashell.

“Ladies. Layla, Veronica, there’s probably a multitude of reasons why you guys are here. But sadly, one of you is out. And the last seashell goes to…”


“Well, I’m...” begins Veronica, standing up. “Surprisingly not mad at all. Or even slightly peeved or anything. The fact that you guys considered me enough of a threat to vote me out means that I’m no longer a doormat! HA! Suck it, Amanda!” She points to the screen.

“Veronica, you are a pretty girl,” says Nic. “Despite the fact that I have been rejected already, want to go out for burritos after I get voted out?” He winks.

Veronica rushes over to Nic and Layla and kisses them both on the cheek. Nic turns bright pink. “Thanks so much for making me snap, guys! I knew it was finally gonna happen!” Veronica says.

“Ew, get your smelly lips off me, ex-servant,” Layla groans.

“And Flora,” continues Veronica, rushing over to her. “You’re going to do this. You are the sole CAB member left. I wish you the best of luck.”

“Aww,” says Flora. “Thanks!”

Veronica skips to the Boat of Losers, flashes a peace sign at everyone, and disappears off into the sea.

“Well, that was an… er, explosive episode!” says Roz. “We have nine left! Who will experience a #totaldramabreakdown next? Find out next time on Total… Drama… Superstar Showdown!”

Chapter 15 - Flower & Control

“Last time on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown!” says Roz. “We encountered some technical difficulties while preparing for the challenge, so we had to use the backup plan… which involved bringing back murderous ex-contestant Gail to hunt down the contestants while they hid in the woods. Yeah, it was a weird day. Anyway, after a long challenge filled with romantic tension, especially between enemies-turned-lovers Arthur and Julia, Flora won the challenge, much to Gail’s dismay, and Veronica was voted out for whatever reason. Perhaps it had to do with Nic being a weirdo? Or maybe Trey is still up to no good? Either way, it’s sure to be an interesting day here on Total… Drama… Superstar Showdown!”

The contestants are shown in the cabin. “Congrats on your challenge win, Flora!” says Chelsey. “You know, I’m pretty impressed. I didn’t think you had it in you, gurl.”

“Thank you, Chelsey!” Flora says. “I feel so happy right now.”

Chelsey is shown in the confessional. “The thing about Flora is that she has soooo much potential to be popular, and she’s actually USING it now? God, I’m such an influential person. Though let’s just hope she doesn’t become more popular than yours truly… Yeah, that wouldn’t be good…” Her eye twitches slightly.

Trey is shown, sitting in an armchair and sleeping. “Just look at that guy,” Gary says. “Trying to hide his diabolical schemes.”

“Ha! Diabolical? As if! Those were more comical than anything. Getting out Estrella? Yes, that was a failure of a move. If anything, he should’ve gone for the one who has the most brains, brawn, and beauty here, also known as myself,” says Nic.

“Wait, WHAT?! Since when was he the one who voted out Estrella?” Wolfgang says. “I’m kinda suspicious as to how you know this.”

“Oh, I just used my super spying skills,” says Nic, beaming. “I asked myself WWAD?, or What Would Alejandro Do?.”

“Whatever,” says Wolfgang. “That guy is such a schmuck. I’m going to the bathroom.” He walks into the confessional.

As he sits down onto the toilet, Arthur barges in and sits on Wolfgang’s lap, then begins to talk before Wolfgang can say anything. “I am going to reveal my dirty little secrets now. So, remember back in episode nine when Roz received that love note? Well, I will now spill the truth tea. That love note was not for Roz, it was written by ME and it was for… well, yes, Julia. Pretty suave, eh? It somehow got into the wrong hands, though. Thanks a lot, Chef... “ He looks down. “Oh, that is why this seat seemed so funny. Hi, Wolfgang.”

“So am I now your secret keeper or something?” Wolfgang asks.

“Yes,” says Arthur. “If you tell Julia, I will sit on you. Do we have ourselves a deal?”

“First of all, you’re already sitting on me. And dude, you don’t understand, I was yelled at for ten minutes by an enraged Chef because of that freaking note, you better fess up,” says Wolfgang. “Plus, what do you have to lose? It's Julia. She'll be angry either way.”

“All right, I shall consider it,” says Arthur. “Thanks for being a pal.”

“You’re welcome, I guess,” says Wolfgang. After a pause, he says, “Now can I get back to doing what I was originally going to do?”

“Why, of course,” says Arthur. “Fart-thee-well!” He bounds out of the confessional, but not before something flies out of his shorts pocket.

“Hey, guys, so I was wondering, why don’t we all get in a circle and do some ~team bonding~?” Chelsey says. “It’ll be a great way to air out some dirty laundry on each other.”

“...Why are you being nice?” snaps Julia.

“Um, okay, never mind,” says Chelsey. “I guess you could ignore my great ideas instead.”

“It’s like midnight, why can’t I just catch some Z’s?” Layla says from the corner. “See? Trey’s doing it.”

“Well, Trey is also a thoroughly troubled human being and needs some time alone,” says Chelsey.

“Hellooo? I’M thoroughly troubled too! Like, once my dad got me a four-scoop gold-crusted ice cream cone when I wanted a five-scoop one!” Layla says. “And let’s not even begin with the fact that Charles is gone again.”

Trey suddenly gets up, and shuffles over to the confessional room while seemingly asleep.

“Sleepwalking? Wow, Santa has many talents,” says Arthur.

Trey then closes the door and wakes up. “Okay, now that my sleeping charades are over, it’s time to…” He glances down and then jumps in horror. “WHAT IS THAT?!”

“Okay, so who wants to go first?” says Chelsey. “I KNOW there is some dirt waiting to be dished.”

“I don’t want to hear Arthur confess his love for me for the five hundredth time,” Julia says. “Not feeling it. I am VERY volatile right now.”

“Aren’t you… always?” says Gary.

“Shut up,” says Julia curtly.

Suddenly, Trey runs out of the confessional. “Guys… I was just trying to perform an earnest, heartfelt speech about love and loss, and then I saw this on the toilet seat…” He squeamishly holds up something that looks like a piece of toilet paper with a suspicious yellow liquid, some raisins, and a large hair hanging onto it.

“No way. Is that…” Nic says, with a look of horror on his face.

“Yes. Yes, it is,” says Arthur. He stands up. “Where did you come from, little guy? I have missed you so. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Vance.”

“I’m literally about to puke right now,” says Chelsey.

“Ugh, you could at least use the correct word. ‘Literally’ doesn’t fit there,” says Wolfgang. “I just LOVE how grammar has been bended and spat on lately. Isn’t that just great?”

“Wait, I thought you were illiterate,” says Layla.

“Oh no, he is?” Flora says. She puts her hand on Wolfgang’s shoulder. “That’s a bummer! I don’t know what my life would be like without Jon Blue books. They’re so nice and romantic.”

“Can someone just tell me what this ‘Vance’ thing even is…” says Trey. “I didn’t think Arthur could get any worse…”

“God, Matt, take a chill pill. Vance is my BTPF, or Best Toilet Paper Friend. He brings me joy. He is a very philosophical creature, who does not associate with people like you,” says Arthur, as he laughs.

Julia is shown in the confessional. “Another con to dating Arthur: I’d probably find those things scattered around my room.”

“Oh, not probably, most definitely,” says a voice.

“SHUT UP!” yells Julia.

“Yeah, I remember that too well,” says Gary. “That’s really gross. But, uh, I guess I’ll start, Chelsey!”

“Well, I’m glad someone cares,” says Chelsey. “Though the fact that the only one who cares is the weird nerd isn’t too good for my reputation… Ah, well, I guess I’ll go with it. For now. What do you have to say, Gary?”

“Oh, we’re dishing dirt? Well, honestly, I haven’t really gotten over my crush on Meg,” says Gary.

“Wow! Who EVER would’ve guessed THAT?!” Julia says rudely.

“Aw, come on!” Gary says. “She’s pretty, okay? I tried to hang out with her a couple times after Tiki Jungle ended. But she said she wasn’t interested. I don’t get it, since I’m a pretty cool dude! ...I think.”

Chelsey makes an obnoxious fake coughing noise that sounds like the word “popularity.”

“Okay, Chelsey, are you on my side or what?” Gary says.

“Oh, Meg… I remember her…” says Trey. “I voted her out… You know, back when I was a horrible human being and all…”

“You still are, no worries,” says Arthur. Wolfgang chuckle-snorts.

“Aw, don’t be sad, Trey,” says Flora. “Just think of bunnies frolicking in fields of grass with really pretty rainbows. That always makes me feel better.”

“Okay… You know, I do like bunnies…” says Trey. “My day was just ruined with that Vance thing…”

“Um, yeah, that’s actually kinda creeping me out,” says Layla, who glances at Vance, who's lying on the ground. “Anyone wanna get rid of it?”

“Of course!” says Nic. “I will cleanse this cabin of the terrors of Vance. Seriously, Art, that thing is disgusting.” He walks over to the string of toilet paper, then makes a whimpering noise and jumps away. “I… I can’t do it! I just have too much of a fiery hatred.”

“Even I admit that that thing is disgusting,” says Wolfgang. “Just get rid of it.”

Nic hesitantly picks up Vance, then after some contemplation, throws him in the trash can and makes it. “Ball is life!” he shouts.

Layla says in the confessional, “Ugh, I really don’t want to associate with these low-class morons anymore. At least last season I had people to antagonize and keep myself busy, like Isabel. There’s no point to staying here because everyone is already caught up in their own reindeer games. But I HAVE to make Charles proud. Ughhhh, why, though?!”

Roz bursts into the cabin. “Hiiii, guys! It’s challenge time, so get your butts outside! And I promise this one has nothing to do with ballistic ex-contestants. Seriously.”

Roz says in the confessional, “I’m super bummed too, because Gail’s surprise appearance means that we can no longer do that Dolph challenge… Crappity crap.”

The contestants are shown outside, in what looks like a field with a white picket fence surrounding it and many patches of dirt.

“Whoa, why is it sunny with a fairly nice temperature?” says Gary with an eyebrow raised. “There’s no continuity here weather-wise, man!”

“Oh, that reminds me!” says Roz. “Gary, I guess I have to announce this… You’re officially the last contestant from Total Drama School left in the game! Whoo-hoo and stuff.”

“Schweetness!” says Gary.

“Okay. So, here’s the deal. Today, you guys will have to see which of your thumbs is the greenest of the green!” says Roz. “You’ll be split into three groups of three, and your task will be to create a garden. You have until sunset, and the group who makes the prettiest garden - as judged by me and a special guest, of course - will win immunity! Yep, all three of you! So, spread out into your groups or whatever.”

“Wait, where are we supposed to get gardening materials?” says Wolfgang.

“Eh, there’s shops around town,” says Roz. “Go crazy. It’s not like I’m actually going to prepare for a challenge ahead of time… Psssh.”

“Hey, brethren, wanna work together?” says Arthur to Gary and Nic.

“Um, I guess, as long as it’s not you two just yelling at each other the whole time,” says Gary.

“Oh, I promise, that is not going to happen,” Arthur says. “Nic and I are tighter than my peanuts. Plus, Julia is acting a bit feisty today, and I plan on steering clear of her. You know, I’m playing ‘hard to get.’”

“Arthur, I’m still fairly angry at you about Vance,” says Nic. “But I suppose I’ll work with you all. It’s better you than, like… Trey, but I would prefer some chicks, don’t get me wrong.”

“Hi, Trey, wanna work together?” says Flora, walking up to him. “You seem like a flowery guy!”

“Wait. No, I want to work with Trey,” snaps Chelsey. “After all, he’s probably much more skilled at gardening than your average straight guy.”

“Shhh, Chelsey, not everyone knows that…” says Trey.

“Fine!” says Chelsey. “I guess I’ll work with Wolfgang, then.” Wolfgang snorts loudly.

Chelsey says in the confessional, “You know, maybe it’s actually good that I get to work with Wolfie again. I need to get back to the alliance I have with him, too, instead of just focusing on Trey. It’s cool, I’ve totally got, like, five alliances. I’m set in this game.” She winks.

“So I guess I’m with you guys, then,” says Julia gruffly. “Whatever.” Chelsey high-fives Julia, to which she rolls her eyes.

“And I’m with you?” says Layla, looking at Trey and Flora. “You're in luck, I'm sooo good at gardening. Daddy made me take a ‘Beginners’ Gardening’ class back in elementary school because, like, he said I needed some ‘basic skills’ to take care of the 300-acre garden in the backyard. Which is so lame, because like, I don’t like doing that? God, can’t he just take a hint? I’m still good at it, though. Yep, totally.”

“Cool…” says Trey.

Trey is shown in the confessional. “Layla is awful. Seriously awful. Why did I not even catch this before?! Maybe I just avoided her… I mean, she did win before, so she had to have done SOMETHING right. I don’t know, though, I don’t even want to keep her for too long… But she’s more tolerable than all of the guys here.”

“Okay, guys, who wants to go with me to House Deputy?” Gary says. “We gotta get some gardening tools.”

“House Deputy? Gary, how thick is your skull?” says Arthur. “There’s no gardening stuff there. Unless you want to lug around gargantuan bags of cow manure.”

“Fine, then, any better ideas?” says Gary, starting to get annoyed. “I guess we could always check in the sewer. In Myth of Zedla, there’s some pretty cool shops down there.”

“Ew, no!” Nic says. “I’m not going down there. That smell is repulsive.”

“Oh, look, Arthur is already working on the garden! Great job, Art!” says Gary, pointing to Arthur, who’s kneeling down and patting dirt.

“Finished,” says Arthur, who seems to be trying to hold in loud laughter.

Gary looks at the patch of dirt, which has ten Vances decorating the top of it. “...No,” says Gary.

Chelsey, Wolfgang, and Julia are shown, discussing their garden.

“Hey, why don’t we just try to sneak into the production tent and ‘borrow’ stuff so we can actually build this thing?” suggests Wolfgang.

“GREAT idea!” says Chelsey. “Wow, dude, you’re really smart. Now, if only you applied those brains to social dynamics… Hmm. Julia, stay here, we need someone to guard the materials.”

“Yeah, because people are totally going to steal a @#$%ing pile of dirt,” says Julia.

Wolfgang and Chelsey ignore her and walk away, towards the production tent. “So, Wolfgang, tell me. Who are your friends at school? I wanna hear each one’s name, personality, music taste, attractiveness rating from 1 to 10, you know, the usual,” says Chelsey.

"I don't need friends," says Wolfgang. "They disappoint me."

"Aw, come on, not even one?" pleads Chelsey. "There's gotta be SOME other weird violent guy with anime hair."

“Listen, Chelsey, have you ever taken the time to feast your eyes on the official site? Have you seen what they labeled me? I’m ‘The Loner.’ Do you know what a loner is? One who does not desire extensive social dynamics,” says Wolfgang.

“Well, you do ha--” Chelsey begins. “Oh, wait. Oh my god. Tell me EVERYTHING about what’s going on between Helga and you. Right now. Your relationship is actually soooo cute, holy wow.”

“Um, well, we had a moment right before... he got voted out,” says Wolfgang reluctantly. “Wait, do I trust you with this information?”

“Haha, everyone already knows,” says Chelsey. “It’s all on the official site, remember?”

“Oh, yeah, Gary told me. Ugh,” says Wolfgang. “Can we not talk about it? Can I not have ONE thing to myself?”

“Your portmanteau couple name is Helgang,” says Chelsey. “It’s got a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? I also see you guys being referred to as SchnitzelShipping in some circles. Soooo adorbs.”

“Ah, yes, German breaded meat is the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen,” says Wolfgang.

“Oh, here we are!” says Chelsey. “Now, keep your eyes peeled for Chef.” She walks up to the tent, and rips open the flap, to see Chef looming over her with an evil grin. She then rapidly closes the flap.

“...Yeah, I can take care of it,” says Wolfgang. He takes out a knife from his pocket and grins.

“Uh, what are you--” says Chelsey. Wolfgang then rapidly cuts out a human-sized hole in the tent and sneaks in.

Chelsey says in the confessional, “...Wow. Despite the rejection he probably faces on a day-to-day basis, Wolfgang is a pretty resourceful dude!”

Layla, Flora, and Trey are shown working on their garden. “So, guys, what are all your favorite flowers?” says Flora.

“Oh, I get it, since your name is Flora… Ha…” sighs Trey.

“No, I was actually just making conversation,” smiles Flora.

“Trey’s favorite flower is the Rafflesia,” says Arthur from his garden. “After all, they do share the same scent.”

Flora says in the confessional, “Aww, Arthur is such a meanie sometimes! I feel bad for Trey.”

“Um, well, where do I even begin? There’s so many amazing flowers in my garden that I don’t know what to start with,” says Layla, while reluctantly trimming hedges of a bush. “Ughhh, this is hard, can I stop?”

“Sure!” says Flora.

“No, Flora, she can’t… We have to win…” says Trey. “Remember?”

“Um, who made YOU the boss?” Layla says. “Quit being so salty. I’ll do whatever I feel like doing…” A visible light bulb goes off above her head. “Wait, just kidding, I’m going to keep working.”

Layla says in the confessional, “CHARLES. Remember, Layla. Make the dude happy.”

“Okay, I’m gonna make, like, an arch with roses and stuff,” says Layla.

“But we only have a couple hours left!” points out Flora.


Arthur, Gary, and Nic are shown, still with absolutely no progress. “You know, gardening is for squares anyway,” says Arthur.

“Agreed, man,” says Gary. “So, question. Speaking of squares,” He lowers his voice. “You guys wanna just take Trey out right now?”

“YES!” yells Nic. “Wait. Too loud. Of course. Now, we must make sure he does not win the challenge. Psst! Julia!”

Julia storms over. “What do you want?”

“Want to vote Trey tonight?” says Gary.

“Uh, if this was Arthur’s idea, then nope, but if it was your guys’, then… I’ll consider it, I guess.” says Julia. “I don’t even care about Trey, though. He's nothing to me.”

“I am insanely jealous,” says Arthur. She then huffs away.

Nic says in the confessional, “Really, the only way to make sure that Trey loses is to perform the ancient art of sabotage. And I know just what to do. Thank you based Alejandro.” He blows a kiss into the air. 

“Arthur,” says Nic. “I cannot believe I’m actually saying this. You’ll probably never let me hear the end of it. But… Do you have easy access to Vance?”

“That’s like asking Julia ‘Do you have a crush on Arthur?',” says Arthur. “The answer is yes, by the way.” He pulls out the toilet paper creation from his pocket. “I KNEW it was just romantic tension between you two. ‘Slobby and disgusting’ my butt.”

Wolfgang and Chelsey then appear and walk up to their garden, where Julia is. “We’re baaack!” says Chelsey. She is completely empty-handed except for her purse, while Wolfgang is struggling to carry many flower pots.

“Ow… My joints… Gah, I’m getting feeble here…” Wolfgang pants.

“Okay. Put those pots in th’ garden, pronto,” says Julia. “We HAVE to win.”

Wolfgang drops them all on top of the garden and collapses onto the ground. “Uuuuuu…”

“My mom, being a stay-at-home mom and all, is REALLY good at gardening,” says Chelsey. “And I totally picked up some tricks from ol’ Brenda. I’ve got this.” She takes out some of the flowers from the pots and pats them down.

“Could you stop yakking for a second and just work?” says Julia. She stares at the sky. “Oh, GREAT, it’s almost nighttime. Perfect.”

“You know, sunsets are quite romantic…” says a voice.

“I’m not in the mood,” snaps Julia.

Nic is shown strategizing with Gary and Arthur. “Okay, guys. I have Vance in my hands,” he says. “It is painful, and my skin will probably vaporize, but I must do it in the name of true villainy.”

“Awesome! Put on ninja stealth mode, and you’ll be solid,” says Gary.

Nic tiptoes over to Trey’s garden, sneaks behind Trey, and flings Vance onto the dirt pile. Right after he does so, Layla shovels a pile of dirt onto Vance and buries him, except for a small corner peeking out.

“Wow, Layla, this actually looks good…” says Trey. “Probably better than anything I could ever make… I just suck…”

“Yeah! It looks awesome! It looks like the gardens in my My Petite Equestrian Rainbow Castle playset,” says Flora. “I got it as a kid. I still use it.” She smiles.

Layla gazes up at the massive floral arch. “Yep, it’s pretty cool, I know,” she flips her hair. “I’m great.”

Roz then appears out of nowhere with Mr. Chapman, who is holding a clipboard. “Hi, guys!” she says. “Snuck up on ya, huh? Well, stop what you’re doing immediately, since it’s time to judge your gardens!”

“Hello, everyone, it is nice to see you all once again,” says Mr. Chapman. “After all, I do know quite a bit about gardening. I own and operate the greenhouse at the school I teach at. It is a fairly time-consuming and stressful job, but it pays off, since I am incredibly interested in plants. For each group, I will provide a deep analysis on the level of water used to care for the plants, the type of topsoil applied onto the garden, the amount of care each plant specifically needs, and the environmental use o--”

“Okay, Chaps, I love ya and all, but we gotta pick up the pace,” says Roz. “First garden! Gary, Nic, and Arthur.” The two walk over to Gary and company’s garden.

“Yeah, we…” Gary begins. “These guys aren’t the biggest green thumbs, y’know what I’m saying?”

“Hey, don’t pin it all on me,” says Nic. “I was not the one who was too busy being strategical the whole time to actually work on the challenge.”

“Actually, you kind of were,” Arthur says matter-of-factly.

Roz examines the garden with a magnifying glass. “So, I see two dandelions shoddily placed on top of a dirt pile,” says Roz. “That ain’t gonna cut it. What say you, Chappy?”

“Yes, I do agree with you, Rosalind,” says Mr. Chapman. “The level of focus that this group of boys used seems to be noticeably low. After all, adolescent boys are frequently not to be trusted with gardening. There do not seem to be any actual plants, other than dandelions which are classified as weeds. I am disappointed in this garden and I will not consider it as a possible winner of this challenge.”

“Um, yeah, this one sucks. Sorry, dudies,” says Roz. “Next garden! Chelsey, Wolfie, and Julia.”

Roz and Mr. Chapman look at the garden, which consists of neatly planted rows of flowers. “You know, I’m so glad my gardening skills came in handy,” says Chelsey. “Isn’t that just such a sexy garden right there?”

“Yeah! Nice, neat, tidy, and pretty! That’s exactly what a garden should look like,” says Roz. “I think you guys could win it! Unless the third group has some tricks up their sleeve, of course.”

“I fully agree. This is a bit of a mundane set-up, but it is quite functional and I believe that it would be the most effective at allowing the plants to grow freely and nicely,” says Mr. Chapman. “A truly pleasing effort.”

“All right!” says Wolfgang woozily. “The potentially permanent damage to my joints… It was worth it.” He collapses into a crumpled heap on the ground, once again.

“Okay! Final group! Layla, Trey, and Flora,” says Roz. She walks over to the garden, and gasps. “Whoa!”

“Heh-heh, yeah, this shall be spicy,” giggles Nic.

Gary says in the confessional, “Well, looks like we didn’t win, which is pretty lame, man. But I mean, Chelsey’s group did a great job! Now we can take out Trey with ease!”

Layla proudly shows off the garden, with a completed topiary arch decorated with roses, as well as pansies planted about the bottoms. “Ta-da!” she says.

“This is magnificent!” says Mr. Chapman. “High-quality work. I could see this being right at home in my greenhouse, yes. I’m not sure what could possibly top it!” He rushes over to the Vance corner peeking out of the dirt, and picks it up. “What is this?” He gasps.

Gary, Arthur, and Nic are shown giggling. Trey glares at them.

“This…” begins Mr. Chapman, holding Vance. “This is an excellent demonstration of pollution and how it has plagued American gardens lately. While a revolting sight to behold, it is quite realistic, for items like these have been popping up everywhere lately due to the growing problem of littering in our society thanks to the ignorance of humans. The earth must be saved, and I am delighted that you are bringing this issue to attention and fighting for what is right.”

“All right, well, I don’t really know what he’s talking about, but I think he likes it! So Trey, Flora, and Layla win immunity!” announces Roz. Layla and Flora cheer while Trey smiles slightly.

Chelsey says in the confessional, “I’m pretty peeved that we didn’t win, to be honest. Good for Trey, I guess, but Flora’s second challenge win is making me a bit paranoid that she’ll be popular soon. But I just gotta shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it off.”

The guys are shown back at the cabin. “Well, that was an epic fail,” says Gary.

“Yep,” says Nic. “I am not even going to pretend it wasn’t. It seriously was.”

“We can’t even vote Trey out! What are we gonna do?” Gary says.

“It is seriously nathan that Matty S. is still here, yes,” says Arthur. “But we don’t have too many choices. I’m not voting Julia, so it is either Chelsey or Wolfgang.”

Wolfgang appears from behind the couch. “You better not vote me off,” he growls. “Or else you’ll wake up tomorrow morning mysteriously missing a limb.”

“I thought you wanted to leave to see Helga, dude!” says Gary.

“I like Helga, yeah. But I like winning even more,” says Wolfgang. “Let’s be real, though, Chelsey is winning this thing. Even a moron could see that.”

“Which is why we MUST vote for her!” says Nic. “She is a cunning girl. Reminds me a bit of Heather, which is not good. I must dispose of her as quickly as possible.”

“Ugh, I don’t know, though…” says Wolfgang.

The girls are shown on the other side of the room. “So, Flora, exactly how many followers do you have on Instantpic?” says Chelsey.

“Uh, I don’t have one of those,” says Flora. “I like taking pics with real cameras.”

“Good,” says Chelsey. “That… was a close one. Can’t let you beat my 2k.”

“Huh?” says Flora.

“What are you blabbing on about now?” Layla scoffs. “Ugh, who cares about social media when you’ve got stacks on stacks on stacks?”

“Why can’t you have both?” Chelsey says. “It’s more fun that way. Makes you feel more satisfied with yourself.”

“Um, I beg to differ! I have no time for any of that nonsense. Charles usually tweets for me. But he can barely even operate a mobile keyboard, so that’s the tough part…” says Layla.

“Shaddap, guys, I’m trying to strategize,” says Julia, who’s listening to One Erection on her uPod and angrily jotting down notes. “I’m voting Arthur.”

Chelsey rolls her eyes. “How is that strategizing? You literally do that every episode anyway,” she says. “Why don’t we make a big blindside or something?”

“‘We’?” Julia says. “I don’t want to work with you.” She storms towards the confessional.

Trey is shown in the confessional. “I still can’t believe those stooges tried to sabotage me. I mean, really?! It did backfire in a glorious fashion, but that’s not going to fly this time. I’ve got some tricks up my sleeve…”

Julia violently thrusts open the door of the confessional. “Wait, what are YOU doing in here?!” she shrieks.

“Listen, Julia, I gotta ask you something…” says Trey. Julia raises an eyebrow in suspicion.

The contestants are then shown at the elimination ceremony.

“Alrighty!” says Roz. “Flora, Layla, and Trey, all three of you are safe for winning the challenge!” She tosses all three seashells.

“Arthur. Julia. Nic. You three are…” Roz says. She pauses. “Not going home.” She tosses the three seashells.

"YEET!" says Arthur loudly. Everyone stares at him.

Roz looks at Wolfgang, Gary, and Chelsey. “Wolfie, you’re safe too,” she says. Wolfgang nods his head in approval.

“One more seashell left. Who will it go to? Gary, the internerd who’s barely even been in the game at all, or Chelsey, the popular girl who’s maybe been in the game a bit too much?” says Roz. “The final seashell goes to…”


“Whaaaat?!” Gary, Arthur, and Nic all say simultaneously.

Gary then gets up. “Aw, darn,” he says. “And I was just starting to have some game, too!”

“Yeah, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I wasn’t really in the mood to be put down anymore…” says Trey. “Goodbye…”

“...And so you took out GARY over Arthur?!” Chelsey says. “That makes absolutely no sense.”

“Quit complaining, sister,” Arthur says. “You now get to have even more pubertastic fun with me.”

Gary is shown with his suitcases, getting onto the boat. “Bye, guys!” he waves. “Arthur, Nic, I trust that you dudes can do it! Your chance of winning the game is over nine thousAAAND!”

On the boat, Gary continues to speak. “You know, I thought it was pretty obvious that Trey is putting on a facade. Does anyone still believe that, or the fact that he’s ‘gay’? I feel sorry for the people who do. They’re not the brightest bulbs. I was only in the game for five episodes, too! It’s a bummer. But, at least I’ve got my pals at home to look forward to seeing. And that was still a fun time!” he says. “Oh, how I love Total Drama.”

Roz pops up. “Well, our debuter is gone just like that, and now we’re down to eight! Arthur, Chelsey, Flora, Julia, Layla, Nic, Trey, and Wolfgang! What shenanigans will the cast be up to next? Find out soon, on Total… Drama… Superstar Showdown! Or should I say, Total Drama: Tiki Jungle and Tokyo ft. Chelsey.” She glares at everyone. “Ah, well, see you peeps later!”

Chapter 16 - Super Smash Comrades

“Last time on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown,” begins Roz. “The nine remaining contestants were split up into groups of three and were forced to put their green thumbs to the test! Nic, Arthur, and Gary decided to try and sabotage Trey with the help of Arthur’s… er, friend, Vance, but their efforts ultimately backfired when the great Chappy appeared, judged the gardens, and gave Trey, Layla, and Flora the win! After that, the guys tried to rally and vote out Chelsey, but Gary was sent home instead after only five episodes! Poor guy. But not really, haha. We’re now down to eight! Who will be sent packing next?! Find out today on Total… Drama… Superstar Showdown!”

The contestants are shown walking back from the elimination ceremony. Trey walks by Nic, who glares at him, while Trey just shakes his head.

Nic says in the confessional, “DANG IT! My master plans were foiled… Again! God, that Trey is such a party pooper. Even back at the jungle, he was always there to be better than me. Now, today I’m going to make no plans. Just gonna lie low. Yeah. You know. Stealth.”

Trey is then shown in the confessional. “So, yeah, I owned Nic once again. That fool is running out of allies, he can’t hide much longer. Between my alliance with Chelsey and my alliance with Flora, and also the fact that everyone still believes both my mopey wet blanket façade AND my gay façade, I’m all set! Basically, I’m a badass.”

“Heeey, I’m gonna go to sleep,” Chelsey says. “Nightie-night!”

“Oh, your bed is super comfortable!” says Flora. “Mind if I come up too?”

“Uh…” says Chelsey. “I guess. Fine. Why not?”

“Hey, Chelsey, thanks for inviting me into your room! You’re SO kind!” says Layla, following the two.

“Party in Chelsey’s room?” Julia blurts out. She holds up a boombox. “I can play some 1E. Let’s do it.” Before Chelsey can say anything, the girls rush upstairs and close and lock the door.

“Pssh,” says Arthur, once the girls have disappeared. “Who needs girls, anyway, when you have…” He holds up a box. “Famished-Male Microwaveable Dinners™?!”

“Don’t those things contain like 1,600 calories?” says Wolfgang. “Plus, I’m a vegetarian.”

“Calm down, Wolfie, I know you like the breaded, moist, chewy ‘meat’ that is in this container,” says Arthur. “I know I do.”

“Well, yeah…” says Trey. “You like a bunch of… gross… stuff…”

“Uh…” says Nic. “Your FACE is a bunch of… gross… stuff! Boom! Roasted.”

“Nic, that was potentially the worst comeback I’ve ever heard,” says Wolfgang. “I thought Trey’s was bad, but oh, NO. You just had to take it up to eleven.”

Trey takes out a container of tofu and begins to eat. “Listen, my food choices are much more sophisticated than yours…” says Trey.

“Then again, I’m not the one who’s wearing ‘Bonjour Doggy’ boxers,” says Nic. “So I have beaten you there, Trey.” He then pulls up his shirt slightly and examines his waist. “Oh, wait, scratch that.”

Arthur says in the confessional, “Listen, as fun as it is to annoy the living daylights out of Santa, it gets tiring occasionally. I’d much rather eat my Famished-Male Microwaveable Dinner™ in peace. Maybe I’ll go talk to Julia instead. Mraow!” He makes a disturbingly realistic cat noise.

Meanwhile, in the girls’ room, Chelsey is on her pink laptop. “Hey, gurls, who wants to see what the fans are saying in the polls right now?” she says.

“Not me,” grumbles Julia.

“Okay, well, screw you. First place in the fan favorite voting is currently yours truly, with--” Chelsey says, then pauses. “Wait. I… I’m not wearing a Bidoof shirt. I’m not that pale... FLORA IS WINNING?!”

“Oh, really?” says Flora, shocked. “Awesome!” She jumps up and down.

“Well, I mean, not counting Arthur’s 6,565,456,768,343 votes, but something tells me that’s not entirely authentic,” says Chelsey. “But WHAT?! Literally what have you done, Flora?”

“Well, first of all, she’s nice,” says Julia. “And doesn’t look like she just walked out of a fake-tanning salon.”

“Legasp!” says Chelsey. “You did NOT just say that. Girl, do you really want to scrap right now?”

“BRING IT ON!” yells Julia.

“Um, guys, wait, wait, wait,” says Layla, attempting to break it up. “We have more important things to worry about. Like… why is there a pixel missing on the bottom left corner of my daddy’s limited edition uPad?” She holds up a massive uPad.

Chelsey is shown in the confessional, pacing back and forth with her hair frazzled and her eyes wide and twitching. “Nope, nope, nope, Chelsey. Take it easy. Calm yourself. You don’t want to be having any… issues like that. Think of what happened when B.J. Smith told you you were unpopular back in the fifth grade… Don’t want a repeat of that incident, no…”

Flora says in the confessional, “What’s up with Chelsey? I thought she would be happy that I was doing well, especially since she kept trying to help me become popular… I have to hand it to her, since evidently they don’t think I’m boring anymore, but I don’t wanna make her angry!” She frowns.

Layla says in the confessional, “You know, I don’t NEED popularity polls. I’m sure I’m last again. But who needs them when you have moneeey!” She cackles.

Julia says in the confessional, “It says something that I’d rather hang out with freakin’ ARTHUR than these people. Except Flora, she’s nice. But I don’t really like nice.”

Chelsey attempts to recollect herself. “All right, fine. I’m going to take a shower, guys. Later!” she says condescendingly and walks into the bathroom.

“Gosh, what’s her deal? She’s so snobby and patronizing…” says Layla. Everyone stares at her.

“I didn’t mean to hurt her,” says Flora. “I don’t think it was my fault about the polls, was it?”

“Nope, wasn’t your fault!” says Layla. “But it will be your fault if my toenails are not polished by the end of the day. GET TO WORK, PLEBEIAN.”

“But--” says Flora.

“I’ll do it,” says Julia grumpily, and she takes out some nail polish with Larry Fashions’ face decorated on the jar.

“Ew, gross, I don’t want THAT on my feet, he’s so repulsive--” begins Layla.

“Do NOT go any further,” says Julia menacingly. Layla shuts up.

The next morning, the guys are shown downstairs, where Arthur and Wolfgang are interacting. “So, uh, what is it with that orange eye shadow?” Arthur says. “You’re quite a feminine laddie.”

“Oh, Arthur, you think that’s orange? Ha, ridiculous! Once I rented my Uncle Carl…os's tanning booth to get more Burromuerto-esque and accidentally took a nap in it for twelve hours. THAT's true orange,” says Nic.

“I’m about to throw a true orange at your face if you keep this up,” Wolfgang says, holding up a fruit basket. “Wait, actually I’m REALLY hungry. Hey, who wants to split a watermelon?”

“Not me…” Trey says. “I’m already fueled up, thanks to my tofu… Pretty nutritious… And delicious...”

“God, Trey, seriously? Watermelons are amazing sources in Vitamin C!” yells Wolfgang.

“No, we must weaken him. Do not let him eat the watermelon,” whispers Nic.

“Oh, yeah, gotcha,” grunts Wolfgang. “Yeah, Trey, don’t eat the watermelon. You’ll actually grow a watermelon plant in your stomach from the seeds.”

“My stomach is so knotted figuratively that it feels like there’s already a watermelon tree in there, so I don’t see the difference…” says Trey. He snatches the watermelon from Wolfgang’s hands.

“DUDE!” Wolfgang yells. “I need my nutrients! Haven’t eaten anything that good since the German truffles… that Puck just had to feed to Versace.”

“Well, well, well, I could always share my Famished-Male Microwaveable Dinner™,” Arthur says. “The only part I have not eaten yet is the sweet corn, though, which seems to be liquidized.”

Wolfgang says in the confessional, “Ugh, the challenge better not have anything to do with athleticism, because freaking Trey just had to go and steal my fuel for the day.”

Roz’s voice is heard on the loudspeaker. “HEEEY, GUYS! I’m excited to announce that your challenge begins… now! Come outside real quick and I’ll get to explaining!”

The contestants are then shown outside, in what looks like a giant battlefield with lots of port-a-potties lined up on the outsides of it.

“Okay, guys! So, who remembers the Total Drama Revolution challenge ‘Super Smash Sisters’? You know, the one where Vincent almost died?” Roz says. “If not, well… We’re doin’ it again.”

“What, are you actually kidding me?!” Chelsey says. “That challenge was lethal. Never again.”’

“Heh-heh, lethal things are fun!” says Roz. “Come on! Anyway, we have some ‘sponsors,' and they’re releasing a new game on the Wuu! pretty soon, so they wanted us to do a redux of this challenge to promote it. I don’t know jack-squat about viddy games, well, except for that illegally created hack of Speed the Porcupine called Chappy the Science Teacher. I had nothing to do with it. But anyway, I guess you guys have to make costumes and weapons for the brawl. And I WILL be assigning the costumes!”

“Uh, Roz, do I HAVE to participate in the challenge?” yawns Layla.

“Yas!” says Roz. “This challenge’ll only work if we got all eight contestants participating!”

Chef then walks by and hands each contestant a slip of paper. Julia groans loudly as she looks at hers, and Arthur laughs heartily when he sees his. “All right, y’ guys got twenty minutes. Hurry up!” says Chef.

The scene cuts to twenty minutes later. Arthur struts out of the dressing room dressed in a large fake pink nose with an attached mustache, elf shoes, and a ripped vest.

“Hey, good thing those Microwaveable Dinner™s have copious amounts of garlic and ‘bean paste,’” Arthur giggles. “I am ready.”

Chelsey struts out dressed as Infinity Suit Spamus, with the exact same costume as she had in Revolution. “Well, at least I got lucky with this one,” she says. “I still think it’s quite flattering.”

“Ooooh, it is!” says Nic, who’s dressed as Growser. “Check me out, Chelsey! Don’t you agree that this skin-tight yellow suit and hardy green shell show off my rippling abdomen?”

“Um, nope,” says Chelsey.

Julia comes out with a pink wig and a pink dress with a flower on it. “Who the hell even is ‘Townsperson’?!” she says. “What kind of kiddies even play these games?!”

“DOWN-B!” yells Arthur, and he farts, creating a massive sickly green cloud.

“...Toilet humor? I’m not surprised that you’re still mentally stuck in fifth grade,” says Julia, and she hides behind Nic’s giant shell. He stares at her and giggles. “What are YOU looking at?!” she yells.

Wolfgang materializes, dressed as ‘Shelk’ with a blonde wig and a red and black, technological-looking uniform. “This should be fun,” he snorts. As soon as he catches a whiff of the scent, he gags.

Flora then appears, dressed as Zedla from the Myth of Zedla series. “I don’t really play video games, that’s mostly my brother Aiden’s thing… He only really likes Cavecraft, anyway,” she says.

“Isn’t that the game with the phallic green objects that sneak up on you and blow your @#$% up?” says Wolfgang with an eyebrow raised. “Not violent enough for me. I prefer FPSes.”

Layla then appears, dressed in a slightly generic pink dress and a crown. “This is WAY too basic for me,” says Layla. “Like, what is this?!” She runs her fingers through the fabric. “Polyester?! Cheap.”

“It’s better than what I got…” says Trey, who is dressed as ‘Loch’ with a blue and yellow striped shirt and a red baseball cap. “Even my outfit sucks…”

Trey is shown in the confessional. “Okay, so this costume is actually great. More ways for everyone to underestimate me, and then I can whoop butt in the challenge and they won’t see it coming! Man, I’m a genius.”

Layla says in the confessional, “He needs to STOP with the self-loathing. Okay, we get it, he’s not pretty or rich or friendly or smart. Shaddap.”

“Okay, guys!” says Roz with a megaphone. “So, you guys remember the… technical difficulties that happened last time we did this challenge, right? Well, here to demonstrate what NOT to do: please welcome ex-Total Drama contestants Cammy and Vincent!”

A car drops off Cammy, who looks pretty much the same, and Vincent, whose hair is now blue, shorter, and spiky, and speeds away.

“‘Ello, mates!” says Vincent. “Uh, Roz, why’d you make me do this again?”

“Relax, Vincent, I’m not gonna do anything this time. Demonstration only, remember?” says Cammy.

Cammy is shown in the confessional. “Normally, I wouldn’t do anything to the guy, but since I wasn’t invited back to this season AND since Tricky was absolutely robbed, I feel like stirring some @#$% up.”

Cammy pulls out a bazooka. “Rrrready?”

“Wait, that was NOT the pre-approved weaponry!” says Roz. “I knew we should’ve gone with someone safer…”

Before Roz can continue, Cammy shoots a massive gooey blob of a sticky pink gum-like substance at Vincent from the bazooka, and it hits him and explodes.

“Ow!” yells Vincent. “Crikey, what gives?!”

“Poor girl,” says Chelsey from the sidelines. “Obviously still bitter that she’s ridiculously unpopular.” She then looks at Flora, and twitches nervously.

“CHEF!” yells Roz. Chef appears along with an intern, and they grab Cammy and throw her into a car, which speeds away. Vincent manages to get up from the ground and then leaves, muttering crude words.

“Okay, that really didn’t go as expected. But, uh, there are little cartons around that have items in them, so you can break ‘em open and use what’s inside… hopefully they won’t be explosive or life-threatening,” says Roz.

“Yeah. Hopefully,” says Chef as he grins evilly.

“You guys ready for the first matchup?!” says Roz.

“Not at all,” says Layla.

“Wolfgang! Versus! Arthur!” yells Roz. “You guys have two minutes! First person to fly out of the arena loses, and the other person moves onto the next round! Ready…”

Wolfgang and Arthur get into the arena. Wolfgang looks fairly nervous, while Arthur is grinning smugly. “GO!” yells Roz.

Arthur randomly pulls out a motorcycle out of nowhere, and speeds towards Wolfgang.

“What the--” says Wolfgang. He then jumps over Arthur and lands on his face in the dirt. As he gets up, he sees Arthur, holding the motorcycle and rushing towards him.

“Back-slash!” shouts Wolfgang, and he hits Arthur with a red foam sword.

“My unmentionables!” yells Arthur, obviously in pain.

“I’m really feeling it!” says Wolfgang. Arthur then sneaks up behind him with a baseball bat. “Wait...”

Arthur swings and hits Wolfgang in the behind, rocketing him out of the arena. “And I did not even have to use Down-B,” says Arthur proudly. “Congrats to myself.”

Wolfgang says in the confessional, “WHY?! I blame Trey for this completely. Thanks a lot for taking my watermelon. I want that guy gone.”

“Arthur wins!” announces Roz. “Next up, we got Flora and Julia versus each other. Ready, girls?”

“Actually, uh, Roz?” says Flora. “I feel really bad having to fight someone.”

“Are you KIDDING ME?!” Julia says. “You can’t escape being all girly and prissy for literally one second to just have a nice old-fashioned smackdown?”

“Aw, it just makes me feel upset when I injure people!” says Flora. “Julia, you can go onto the next round.”

“What even…” says Julia. “All right, ugh, fine.”

Chelsey says in the confessional, “Oh, thank GOD Flora forfeited that thing. Now she won’t win another challenge and I can get rid of her before she becomes too popular! Little Miss Blandypants, you’re going DOWN.”

Flora smiles and sits down on the bleachers next to Nic. “Listen, can I tell you somethin’?” says Nic.

Nic is interrupted by Roz. “Next round!” she says. “Chelsey versus Layla. You girlies ready to ACTUALLY FIGHT?! Seriously, we need some better ratings. You better actually brawl.”

“Oh, we’re going to brawl, all right,” says Layla, grinning menacingly.

“Ready?! GO!” yells Roz. Layla and Chelsey immediately run towards each other and start slapping each other.

“Use your pistol!” shouts Trey to Chelsey.

“Pistol? Oh, honey, not on MY watch,” says Layla. She opens one of the containers and reveals a paper fan, which she starts hitting Chelsey repeatedly with.

“Ow! My foundation!” yells Chelsey, touching her face repeatedly while being whacked.

“Okay, Flora, let me begin,” says Nic on the sidelines. “Trey is not who he seems. I know you think he is cool, since you like basically everyone, but…”

“LAYLA WINS!” yells Roz, motioning to a fainted Chelsey outside of the arena and Layla standing in the middle with her fan.

“What was that, Nic? Oh, wait, I think you have to battle now! Sorry!” frowns Flora.

“Yep, he does!” says Roz.

“Wait, wait, WAIT,” interrupts Chelsey. “There is NO WAY that was fair. Why was she able to whack me repeatedly with a fan?! Seriously, that’s so uncool.”

“Um, it’s the name of the game,” says Layla. “Deal with it, commoner.”

“Commoner? Commoner?! Well, uh…” says Chelsey. “Did YOU get 658 likes on your most recent selfie? I don’t THINK so!”

“Actually, I got 659,” says Layla. “Daddy has some friends. Haha, suck it!”

“Ladies, ladies, calm down,” says Roz, trying to mediate. “Anyway, Nic, you’re goin’ up against… Trey!”

“Shocker,” grumbles Nic. “Do not worry, I’m going to take you down.”

“I’m sure you will…” says Trey. “After all, I used to do P90X… Until I got back from Tiki Island… Now my body is all flabby and gelatinous…"

Roz blows the whistle signifying ‘go.' Nic tries to tackle Trey, who moves out of the way and grabs one of the containers. He throws a trophy-shaped object from inside the container and an intern somehow pops out, charging at Nic and beating him up.

“PK THUNDER!” yells Trey, and he throws a plastic lightning bolt at Nic’s face.

After being beaten up for a while, Nic suddenly snaps out of it and tackles Trey, then removes his large plastic shell and hits Trey with it repeatedly.

“Feel the wrath of one thousand Burromuertos!” yells Nic.

Trey and Nic continue to go at it. “Pretty suspicious how Trey seems to not be a mopey sad-sack when he’s doing challenges, huh?” says Wolfgang from the audience.

“Yeah! He’s really motivated! I like it a lot, it’s nice,” says Flora.

“But why?!” says Wolfgang.

Nic then launches Trey into the crowd using his massive shell. “NIC! WINS!” yells Roz.

“Yeah, I know…” says Trey, who has crashed into the bleachers. “Thanks for clarifying, Catherine Obvious…”

Roz clears her throat. “Okay, we are now moving into the second round. Layla, Julia, Arthur, Nic, congrats! You’re all one step closer to winning the challenge. We’ll do girlies vs. guys, so Layla and Julia, you’ll be up first.”

“Finally, some actual competition,” says Julia. Roz blows the whistle, and the two start.

Julia takes out a seed from her pocket and puts it into the dirt, and a tree spontaneously grows from the ground. “Timber!” she yells.

“What the heck?!” says Layla. “Uh…” She reaches into her dress pocket and pulls out a stuffed doll with a mushroom-shaped turban. “HA! Got myself a shield!”

Julia, who is hurtling towards Layla on a strange flying object, is blocked by the shield and falls on top of Layla.

“Ugh! Get your butt off of me!” yells Layla.

“Now you know how I felt when I was crushed by Arthur the other day!” growls Julia. Arthur, from the stands, guffaws loudly.

Julia hops off of Layla, picks up a massive crate from the side of the arena, and throws it at Layla. The crate explodes, and lots of food flies out.

“Ow! Ugh! Why?!” yells Layla, whose face has been pied.

Julia then picks up Arthur’s baseball bat and hits Layla, winning the round. “Julia moves on!” yells Roz.

Layla says in the confessional, “Great. I got beaten by a freaking shrimp like Julia. I wish I was as jacked as Charles. Ughhh.”

“Arthur versus Nic,” says Roz. “Now, this should be an interesting one.”

“Bro, if you win, you can face Julia in the finals,” says Wolfgang. “What a wonderful way to start a relationship, right?”

“Hush!” says Arthur. “That’s confidential information! Don’t spill the legumes!” He whistles. “Hey, Roz, just for that, I have decided to forfeit this match. Nic moves onto the finals.”

“Thank god…” says Trey. “You’re not immune… Maybe you can go home tonight and take your emotional terrorizing somewhere else…”

“Dude, I only did it because I did not want my loins to get pounded by Julia. I must assert myself,” says Arthur. “Nothing to do with you.”

“Well, FINE THEN! You guys just have to remove all the excitement, huh? Okay. Finale time. Julia versus Nic. You ready?!” says Roz.

Nic says in the confessional, “Do not tell anyone, but Julia is kinda scary. Yes, I like strong women, but…”

“BRING IT ON!” yells Julia.

Roz yells “GO!” and the match starts.

“Timber! AGAIN!” says Julia, as she spontaneously plants another tree.

“I love your passion for saving the earth, but this is quite--” says Nic. “What would Alejandro do… Hmm…” He grabs some boxing gloves. “Let me pretend that you’re my evil older brother, Jose!” He pounces onto Julia.

Nic says in the confessional, "Well, his name's Joey and he’s actually my cousin, but she doesn't have to know that."

“Ha, you’re so puny,” says Julia, before she’s hit in the face.

“This is one of the most pathetic displays of anything I’ve ever witnessed, seriously,” says Wolfgang from the audience.

“Not as pathetic at Chelsey’s beliefs that she’s more popular than me. I mean, hahahaha, right?” Layla says.

“There’s NO WAY we’re starting this again,” says Chelsey. “Didn’t we already come to the conclusion that I’m better?”

“Actually, I am!” says Flora sweetly. “Remember the poll?”

“Yes…” says Chelsey, beginning to sweat. “How could I… n-n-NOT remember the poll…”

“JULIA! WINS! IMMUNITY!” yells Roz, and an unconscious Nic is shown next to Julia, who looks extremely happy. “The rest of you guys, get back to camp because one of ya is leaving tonight, kk?”

Julia says in the confessional, “Finally won one of these freakin’ things. Now, if I could get Arthur out, I’d be pretty pleased. Although, Chelsey is also pretty bad…”

The contestants are shown back at camp. “Okay, Flora, listen, I was trying to tell you some stuff earlier but wasn’t able to,” says Nic.

“What is it?” asks Flora.

“Trey. He’s a bad dude. I promise,” says Nic.

Wolfgang pops up from behind the two. “Yeah, I can confirm this,” he says. “Believe me, Flora, you’re one of the few cool people here. And I wouldn’t lie to you like this.”

“And I’m not one of the few cool people here?” asks Nic.

“...Yeah, let’s discuss that some other time,” says Wolfgang. “Point is, he’s a dubious dude. And I want him to leave, seriously.”

“Aw, I don’t know, guys,” says Flora. “Can’t I just not vote for anyone? I feel guilty.”

Trey is shown in the confessional. “I heard Wolfgang was throwing some shade at me. That is really not good. Arthur is weakened due to Gary’s departure, but are Wolfgang and Arthur even aligned? That’s something I need to figure out…”

“Chelsey…” says Trey, walking up to her. “We still have our alliance? I might ask you for a favor…”

“Trey, I’m NOT in the mood,” says Chelsey. “I’m voting Flora tonight. All strategy is going out the window. Sorry, but I just can’t keep her in.”

“But I thought you hated Layla too…” says Trey. “And Wolfgang…”

“Oh, I don’t hate Wolfie at all! He’s a nice dude. Layla sucks, but I can get rid of her whenever I please. Flora needs to GO. Seriously!” bellows Chelsey.

Chelsey says in the confessional, “Look. I know I’m usually more… cool, calm, and collected than this. But like, if I continue to have breakdowns like this, the fan forums WILL deem me as a ‘trainwrecky g.oddess’ and I’ll shoot back up to the top of the popularity polls in no time!”

Layla is sitting on the couch with Arthur, who’s playing a video game, and Julia, who’s scrolling through social media.

“Do you guys even care at this point?” Layla says. “Because, you know, I don’t. I’ll honestly vote for whoever you guys tell me to vote for.”

“Trey,” says Arthur, as Julia says “Arthur” at the same time.

Layla says in the confessional, after sighing, “Why am I even doing this again? Charles, right? Seriously, is it worth it? I mean, it’s not like my parents care. Daddy’s all busy doing his businessy nonsense and Mother is always trying to find ways to divorce Daddy but still be able to keep a large sum of our money… Fuck. And YEAH, I just dropped the one F-bomb of the story for the second time in a row. Suck it, losers.”

Roz is then shown at the elimination ceremony with the contestants. “Heyyy, guys! So, tonight we’re going to pull up the Screen of Death,” Chef wheels in a portable TV, “and see who you guys voted for! It’s to increase ratings, apparently! Isn’t that super duper whooper hooper fun?!”

“No… I don’t want them to see my deep existential crises that occur every time I have to vote someone out…” says Trey.

“Aw, Trey, I feel the same, I’m so attached to everyone, you know?” says Flora.

The screen turns on, and reveals Julia in the confessional. “HA. I’m SAFE. Anyway, I’m voting Arthur. It’s very concerning that that slimeball has a thing for me. But he’s gotta leave at some point, right?”

“Not if we are the final two again, m’lady,” says Arthur. “Hashtag two time winners.”

Chelsey is shown in the confessional. “I’m voting Flora! Yeah, she HAS TO GO. I’m sorry, but nobody should be able to beat me in the popularity polls. After all, my label is ‘The Popular Girl.’ What’s Flora’s? ‘Some Girl.’ I mean, who’s the clear winner here?”

“Aw, Chelsey, you’re still mad? Here, I got you a flower,” says Flora, holding up a dandelion.

“I don’t want your freaking weeds!” yells Chelsey, smacking it out of Flora’s hand. “Hmph.”

Wolfgang is shown next on the screen. “Voting Trey. Should be pretty self-explanatory. He’s the shadiest guy I’ve ever seen. I don’t buy his reindeer games one bit.”

“Mmm… Juicy…” says Chef in between laughter.

Roz then presses the remote, and Nic’s confessional is shown. “I am voting Trey. Sorry, bro, but-- wait. You’re not even my bro! Fool! Begone!”

“Wow, didn’t see that coming…” says Trey, as he rolls his eyes.

Flora is then shown in the confessional. “I’m sorry, I love all of you, but I guess I’m voting for Layla? Sorry, she’s kinda rude… I promise I’m not trying to be mean or anything. Sorry, Layla!”

Layla opens her mouth to say something, but says nothing but an exasperated sigh.

Trey is then shown in the confessional. “Wolfgang…” he says, and nothing else.

“Aw, really? That’s it? Nothing more?” says Wolfgang.

“What else would I say…” says Trey.

Layla is then shown in the confessional. “Well, um, I’m voting Wolfgang, I guess. I really don’t care who leaves. I could vote for the Rice Fairy or something and it wouldn’t matter. Ugh.”

“Aaaand, we’re down to the final vote!” says Roz. “Trey or Wolfgang? Who’s gonna go home?” She gets ready to press the button, and…

“Um, not so fast!” exclaims Layla. “Stop that TV.”

“What now?” says Roz. “We’ve got an elimination to attend to, c’mon Laylay!”

“No. Listen. Roz, I’m out of here,” says Layla. “Yep. You heard me right. I’m quitting. There is nothing to be gained from this game, seriously. I’m fed up with every single person here, well, with the possible exception of Flora. I’m not going to win again and even if I did win, I’d feel guilty taking the money, what with the amount of cash I already have. The only reason I’m still here is to argue with commoners -- yeah, Chelsey, I still hate you -- and not do anything. Plus, this is what would make Charles the most proud of me. I want to see the guy again, to be honest, and I feel kinda bad, which may really surprise some of you, but I don’t  care.”

“Bye, Felicia!” sneers Chelsey.

“You know what? I’m not going to dignify that with a response. Later, losers,” says Layla. “I’m out. I hope this finally makes Charles -- and those viewers who apparently hate me -- happy.” She walks over to the Boat of Losers and hops in. Notably, she has a wistful half-smile on her face the whole time.

“Well, uh…” says Roz. “The last vote WAS for Trey, but I suppose since we’re down one person, we won’t send anyone home tonight. Plus, Trey seems to stir up quite a bit of drama, and me likey drama. But aw, that’s sad! Layla was certainly a fan favorite.”

“God, I thought Layla was a legitimately horrible human being,” says Wolfgang. “It’s weird how that’s not the case, huh? Makes you think.”

“Amigo, there are still some legitimately horrible human beings here. Trust me. Count on it,” says Nic.

“Well, looks like Layla’s quit just added MORE to the drama!” says Roz. “We only have seven contestants left! Who will go home next? Will the contestants be spooked in a spooktacular spookfest that is very spooky? Find out next time on Total… Drama… Superstar Showdown!”

Chapter 17 - Frights & Caves

“Previously on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown,” begins Roz. “The final eight competed in a challenge that totally had nothing to do with the video game that happened to come out right near when this episode was made! Certain contestants were pummeled, while Flora decided that she didn’t like hurting people and chose to forfeit the challenge. Laaaame. Julia finally won her first challenge, and just when it looked like Trey was going to go home, Layla spontaneously decided to quit! I mean, I’ve basically lived with the girl for months and months, and I can agree that she gets a bit tiring to be around. But great character development, huh? You gotta appreciate her transition from rude snobby rich girl to super kind selfless winner to ruder snobbier richer girl to… some weird place in the middle. Anyway, we’ve got seven left! And today there won’t be much super happy fun time in the cabin, as we’ve got a challenge to attend to! It’ll be spooky and nighttime-y. Yes, I know we’ve already had a Halloween challenge, and yes, I know it’s waaay past Halloween. Blame the producers, NOT me. Okay, let’s just get to the show or something.”

The contestants are shown lying around on the cabin floor. Nic glares at Trey, who glares at Wolfgang, who then glares at him back. Julia glares at Arthur, who winks at her. Chelsey glares at Flora, who is asleep.

Wolfgang says in the confessional, “These people are unbelievably petty. I feel like our cabin is just completely imploding, and I really don’t know who to trust at this point. I hope my… gruff personality hasn’t alienated possible alliance members, but I mean, I can trust Flora and Chelsey… right? Will they even work with each other anymore? Do Arthur and Julia even care about the game, or do they just yell at each other? And WHY does Chelsey keep helping out Trey?!”

“So, the night is young,” says Arthur. “Who wants to hear a fun and embarrassing story? It is about Middle School Julia.”

“Ohhhhhh, no. It’s not like you don’t have any embarrassing middle school stories yourself, moron. I can think of about five hundred… let’s see, there was that time you put a tack on Principal O’Shaughnessy’s chair and it sent him to the E.R. for a month, the time you egged your math teacher’s house because you got an E on a test that you didn’t even study for for one minute… oh, and speaking of eggs, there was the time we had to take care of raw eggs and pretend they were babies and you took out a frying pan and hard-boiled and ate mine while I was in the bathroom, the time you shoplifted from the school store and got suspended, the time you got out of the school spelling bee for misspelling the word ‘obese,’ I could go on and on,” rants Julia.

“Okay, half of those I do not even remember,” says Arthur. “But, like, it makes me so much more of a daredevil. Girls like bad boys, right? Especially the morbidly obeeeese ones.”

“Nope. On second thought, I WILL go on and on. How about the time when you fainted during the twenty minute run in gym class and Kavren had to give you mouth-to-mouth in the middle of the gym? And then there was that time when you announced to everyone in the middle of social studies that you were a distant descendant of Karl Marx and your family records were searched and seized for any trace of communism. Oh, and don’t forget that time that you recited a romantic poem to Sarah back when you had a massive crush on her but ended up forgetting the words, so you gave up and instead started spontaneously rapping ‘Baby Got Back,’” Julia says.

“Aw, come on. Does anyone NOT want to be related to Karl Marx? Look at his beard, it is just wondrous,” says Arthur.

There is a long pause. Flora then wakes up. “I’m really tired,” she says.

“Well, isn’t that just great? We totally wanted to hear that, yep,” says Chelsey. “My life is soooo much better now thanks to your insight. Thanks so much, Flora. Whoop-dee-diddly-doo.” She moans loudly.

“Now, my friends, I would like to hold an open forum on a hot topic that is just begging to be discussed,” says Nic. “The subject: Trey.”

“Dude, I’m right here…” says Trey. “You better not say anything too offensive…”

“Oooh. Trey’s sooo nice. But he’s at the bottom of the POPULARITY POLL, so he just SUUUUUCKS!” wails Chelsey.

“Chelsey, you seemed perfectly fine twenty minutes ago at elimination,” says Wolfgang. “What the crap?”

“Who cares about Chelsey’s mental state?!” says Nic. “The only Chelsey-related thing I care about is her attractiveness. We must hold off on discussing whether or not she is okay. Because we must take out Trey. Hey, I just rhymed. Sweet.”

“I was almost eliminated before Layla quit, is that enough for you…?” says Trey.

Trey is shown in the confessional. “UGH! He needs to stop, seriously, eventually I’m just going to snap at the little shrew and my cover will be completely blown! Dang it! I have to calm down and control myself… Remember, he’s pathetic and has no meaning in my life…”

Nic is shown in the confessional. “My plan is called ‘Operation: Troll Trey.’ Arthur is a MASTER Trey-Troll, so I’ll enlist his assistance. I’m assuming Wolfie will gladly join me too. Only then will he finally snap and reveal his true evil motives! Or, well, 'evil' motives. Gotta have the air-quotes. He’s really pretty laughable.”

Roz then walks into the cabin in her pajamas. “Heyyy, guys,” she says, while yawning.

“Ugh, Roz, there better not be a challenge right now,” says Wolfgang, who looks even more tired.

“Well, lucky for you, Wolfie, there IS a challenge right now. This is not something I wanna do, trust me,” Roz says. “Producers said… Spooky challenge… Nighttime… You know, scavenger hunt… Yeah, something like that, I kinda dozed off halfway through.”

“Okay, so can we not do the challenge and just sleep or something?” says Julia. “Even I’M tired.”

“Yeah, seriously, it’s midnight…” Trey says. “You don’t like to see us suffer, Roz, do you…”

“Okay. I’m out of here,” says Roz. “I can’t do this. Bye!” She staggers away, and as she walks outside, a loud “whump” is heard.

“So… what do we do now?” asks Flora.

“Well, do not mind me, I’m just coming up with a treatise that I will present later today… well, maybe tomorrow… that will discuss tactics for properly getting Trey out,” says Nic, who’s jotting down things on a massive pad of paper.

“TreeeeEEEEEy!” says Chelsey. “You know, Nic, you’re cute in the moonlight… Ahahuuuu.”

“Okay, now we know there’s really something wrong with the chick,” says Wolfgang dryly.

“Oh, please. Chelsey is just starting to appreciate my true manliness,” Nic says.

Arthur scoffs. “As if. My small niece Becky is more manly than you, and she’s not even potty-tr--” he begins.

Before Arthur can finish, Chef bursts into the room and takes out a megaphone. “CHALLENGE TIME! RIGHT NOW! AND LUCKY FOR YOU GUYS, I AIN’T TIRED, SO THERE’S GONNA BE NO SLACKIN’ AROUND!”

The contestants are then shown outside, and sure enough, it’s cold and dark out. “Alrigh’. This challenge is gonna be pretty scary. Y’guys might need some diapers, y’know, jus’ in case you get too scared,” says Chef. “Trust me.”

“I bet Nic still does that,” says Arthur. “Since, you know. Becky does it too.”

“So. Let’s get to th’ challenge. You guys have to do a scavenger hunt thing. You’ll get clues, and the clues will lead to more clues, and so on. Eventually, there will be a finish line with a prize or somethin’, I don’t know. First person to get there wins. Are we clear?” says Chef.

“What’s the catch to this challenge?” says Julia, with an eyebrow raised. “And don’t try to tell us that there isn’t. Because there IS.”

“Oh, yeah. There are some, uh, supernatural elements, I guess. We were gonna use this for the Halloween challenge way back when, but, uh, we forgot ‘bout it. And we have no more ideas for challenges, so we’re doin’ it,” says Chef.

“I commend you guys for showing so much creativity,” yawns Wolfgang. “Really impressed.”

“Shhh! Th’ producers are tired of all yo’ nonsense!” says Chef. After a long pause, he continues. “Yeah. Just… Just get to it.” He pulls out a whistle and half-heartedly blows it. “Go.”

“Do we get clues?” asks Flora.

“Oh. Yeah,” says Chef. He rummages through his pockets and grabs some slips of paper. “Go crazy.” He throws the slips of paper in the air. “Oh, yeah, and some of y’ guys have the same clues! Haha, sucks for you.” He walks away, grumbling.

“I’m actually kinda scared of the dark,” says Flora, pouting. “It’s really spooky. Guys, wanna just stick together?”

“Sure, Flora, I’ll stay with you… I’m a bit scared of it too…” says Trey.

“Oh, nonononono, I’m NOT staying with yooooouuu guys…” says Chelsey. “I’m a free bird! CA-CAW!” She sprints away.

“Yeah, uh, I’m out of here,” says Wolfgang. “Come on, guys, let’s blow this popsicle stand.”

“Wolfgang, not so fast, I am heading out with Julia,” says Arthur.

“You are? When did I give you permission to do that?!” says Julia.

“Meh, whatever, I couldn’t care less. Nic, then? Wanna have some male-on-male bonding time?” grins Wolfgang.

“Oh, yes. Fits in perfectly with my plans,” says Nic. “Excellent.” The group heads the opposite direction of where Chelsey sprinted off to.

“Sprinting in the woods…” says Chelsey, by herself. “Man, it feels so goooood--”

Suddenly, a masked figure with a sack pops out from behind a tree. “Gotcha!” the figure yells in an incredibly deep voice. The person grabs Chelsey, takes out some rope from a sack, and hangs Chelsey upside down from the tree.

“Um… What?! Guys?! Anyone want to help?!” she yells loudly. “Well, anyone except FLORA… Come on! I gotta win this challenge! Pleeeeease! HEEEELP!”

Arthur and Julia are then shown. “Okay, listen,” says Arthur. “I promised myself no Puber T today. But, I have something that’ll do the trick even better.”

“Uh, can you shut your pie hole for like one second while I try to decode this clue?” says Julia, examining the slip of paper.

Arthur takes out an orange pair of underwear with bats all over it. “Behold!”

“Dude, it’s WAY past Halloween,” says Julia. “Though, I can see why you would make that blunder. Your mind’s always in the freakin’ gutter.”

Before she can continue, he puts it over his head. “I am no longer Arthur. I am Vlad Darkness, hero of the world of Transylmania. (Only playable on the Wuu! U.) And I will win this challenge! Come, my lass!”

“Oh no...” says Julia.

“I said come, my lass!” He scoops up Julia and sprints away.

“HEY! If you don’t put me down, your ass is going to get REAMED!” yells Julia.

Trey and Flora are then shown walking in the woods. “The clue says that you might have to survive a ‘sticky situation’ to get the next clue,” says Flora. “Is it in a pile of sticks?”

Trey is shown in the confessional. “Flora’s a good ally, sure. But I need to win this challenge, and only me. That’s why I’m turning to... “ He pulls out a pair of sunglasses and puts them on. “Sabotage. Since they tried to get rid of me last night, I know my head’s on the chopping block, and Flora is THE challenge threat so I have to make sure she loses. But nope, looks like I’ll survive another night! And then I’ll WIN!”

“Hey, I think that means that you have to go into the swamp…” says Trey. “It’s probably sticky in there… And sludgy…”

“Oh, that might be a little bit out of my way,” says Flora cheerfully. She glances at a nearby pile of sticks. “Oh, look! There’s the clue! Yay for teamwork!” She picks up the slip of paper and reads it.

“Oh… Good job, Flora…” says Trey, trying to hide that he’s actually fuming with rage.

Flora is shown in the confessional. “Yeah, the dark is pretty scary. But not if I’m with really cool people! I’m happy that he’s helping me out in the challenge, but… a little confused.”

“Now, where should we go next?” says Flora. “Any ideas?”

“Yeah…” says Trey. “How about you go one way and I’ll go the other... Why don't you go into the spooky forest over there with a bunch of bears and stuff, and I’ll head into the city, where it’s really nice and, uh, peaceful… Sound good? I’m not mentally stable enough to be spooked that hard…”

“I’m not good with spooky stuff either!” says Flora. “We can be challenge buddies, let’s both go into the forest and conquer our fears!”

“Uh, fine…” says Trey. “Let’s just go then, I guess…” The two trudge into the forest.

Wolfgang and Nic are then shown in said forest. “Hey, do you have any idea what this clue even means?” asks Wolfgang. “Wait… This isn’t even-- why is this clue written in Spanish?”

Chef is then shown in the confessional. “We wanted to give th’ kids some… obstacles to overcome.” He cackles loudly.

“How the crap should I know?! I can’t speak Spanish,” says Nic.

Wolfgang stares at him blankly. “Really.”

“Yes, compadre, English-to-Spanish dictionaries don’t really do much for the brain, you know?” says Nic. “I know some fragmented phrases, but that’s about it.”

“Ugh, fine, let’s just go into that terrifying cave over there,” says Wolfgang, pointing to a terrifying cave. “I’m content with sleeping for this entire challenge.” He walks over towards the cave, and Nic follows him.

“But we have to win the challenge, you know? To get Trey out?” says Nic. “Oh, wait, I haven’t told you about my new scheme yet! It’s called Operation: Troll Trey.”

“Yeah, because that’s totally different from what you’ve been doing for the entire game up to this point,” says Wolfgang.

“No, seriously, man,” says Nic. “Help me out here. We bother him until he snaps and reveals his evil motives! Sound like a plan?”

“Eh, why not?” says Wolfgang. “Once I catch some Zs, I’ll be better focused on strategizing. Before Roz came in, I was having a really nice dream that involved Helga and me going to a library with unlimited books. Man, that’s my kind of date.” He sighs romantically.

The two walk into the terrifying cave, and once they get inside, they hear a rumbling noise. Shortly after, a bunch of boulders come raining down and trap the two in the cave.

“Why?” says Wolfgang.

A bear then appears out of nowhere.

“Why?” says Nic.

Arthur is then shown sprinting through the forest, still carrying Julia.

“Ugh! Put me down!” yells Julia. “I could probably sue for harassment or something! Seriously, this is gross!”

“Vlad Darkness will not rest until he finds the clue that will help him regain power over the Von Dracunov family and restore peace to the planet!” says Arthur.

Julia wiggles around and falls out of his grip and onto the ground. “Ew. You’re super sweaty, too. Disgusting,” she says.

“Okay. My fair warrior princess, your exploration skills are keen,” says Arthur. “You can help me find the clue!”

“ME? Help YOU?! You’ve done nothing this entire time! You’re the one helping ME!” yells Julia. She picks up a piece of paper from the ground. “And look, the clue is right here. Wow, didn’t see that one coming. Thanks for nothing, ‘Vlad.’”

“Anytime,” Arthur says. “Oh, and also, can you call me ‘Daddy’ instead of Vlad? I like it more. Or maybe ‘Vladdy’ as a compromise?”

“EW NO I’M LEAVING,” yells Julia, and she stomps off.

Julia is shown in the confessional, where she makes an irritated grunting noise.

Trey and Flora are then shown, walking through the forest. “This isn’t that scary at all!” says Flora. “I feel so great now. I’ve finally been able to conquer my fear!”

“What are you talking about, of course it’s scary…” says Trey. “I mean, look at that stump over there… I think I just saw it move…”

“Oh, it’s probably a mouse or something,” says Flora. “Not a big deal! I actually used to have a pet mouse as a kid. His name was Spike. He was so cute! Spike sounds like a really tough guy name, but he wasn’t tough at all. And then we fed him too much Brie cheese, and he died. Aw, I’m getting really sad thinking about it.”

“That does suck… Hey, I think I see a clue over there…” says Trey. “It’s in those pricker bushes over there… You could probably handstand to get through them, but only if you need to…”

“That’s not a clue, silly! That’s a piece of tree bark! Maybe you need to get your eyes checked,” says Flora cheerfully. “Come on, let’s keep walking. Maybe we’ll find one soon.”

Trey and Flora continue to walk through the forest, and Trey turns red and blows smoke out of his ears while Flora isn’t watching.

Trey says in the confessional, “This is INFURIATING! How can a strategic mastermind like me continue to get thwarted by Flora over here, who’s the human equivalent of a sack of potatoes?! I need to up my game a bit.”

“So, Trey,” says Flora. “You don’t look that scared! You look much calmer than you did five minutes ago, when I last asked you if you were conquering your fears yet. Are you conquering your fears yet?”

“Nope…” says Trey. “I’m actually really sweaty right now and feel like I’m about to die, but it’s really dark so I wouldn’t be surprised if you couldn’t see my sweat… I don’t even deserve for my sweat to be seen, anyway, since I suck…”

“No, you’re making me sad again!” Flora says empathetically. “Sometimes I hum the ABCs when I’m feeling sad, it distracts me. So let’s do that!”

“Okay… You go hum the ABCs while I go up and run away from this forest…” Trey says, slowly inching away.

“Oh, you don’t like the ABCs? Aww, you could’ve just told me! Let’s get out, then!” Flora says sweetly, and she follows him once again.

Chelsey is then shown, still hanging upside down from the tree. “This... “ she begins. “This is HORRIBLE. Today is NOT going well for me. So Layla fiiiinally gets out, and spares me a lot of agony considering she was my #1 competition in basically everything -- well, except prettiness, which I obviously had her beat in -- and then Flora comes and jacks up the whole popularity meter. At least my weird meltdown from earlier seems to be over, since the blood kind of rushed to my head… But that’s also really gross. I hate blood. I don’t want it to get into my head, because my head is way too pretty for that. I bet it’ll turn my hair red or something, and red hair is only for posers. Like that one Adriana whatever chick. She is SO fake.”

An intern walks by, holding a pizza and whistling quietly to himself. “HEY!” yells Chelsey. “Can I have some of that?”

“Huh?” says the intern, who pauses and walks back over to Chelsey. “Uh…”

The intern is shown in the confessional. “Dude, I was so starving. But that girl? Hotter than the gooey, freshly baked mozzarella on that pizza. It was a no-brainer.”

“Of course! Take the whole box, I don’t care,” says the intern.

“Uh, that’s sooo nice of you, but I have to watch my calorie intake, so I’m only gonna eat like one slice. And then we can totally split it and talk about fun stuff like popularity!” Chelsey says. “So it’s, like, a win-win situation!”

“Ha. Cool, dude,” says the intern. “You’re not a dude. What am I talking about? Cool, dudette.”

“Um. Okay. What’s your name?” Chelsey says while nibbling on a slice of pizza.

“Josh,” stutters the intern. “Good name, right? My parents named me after… Uh, I don’t actually remember. Some guy they saw in some movie once. Cool, right? Heheh. Chelsey is such a pretty name.”

“Wait, when did I tell you my name?” says Chelsey, with her eyebrow raised.

“Oh. I’m an intern. I have access to a bunch of super secret files and stuff. Speaking of that, wanna see something else that’s super sec--” begins Josh the intern.

“Um, can you UNTIE ME NOW?!” yells Chelsey.

“OH! Sure! Sorry about that! Heh-heh!” he says, quickly untying Chelsey until she falls to the ground with a “whump.” “Want the rest of the pizza, at least?”

“Nope,” says Chelsey angrily, and she struts off.

Chelsey is shown in the confessional. “You know, I’d honestly rather still be breaking down over Flora and hanging from a tree than talking to that weirdo ever again. I hope he wakes up tomorrow morning and starts puking up slugs.”

Wolfgang and Nic are then shown in the cave, lounging around. Wolfgang is playing in the dirt with a small twig, while Nic is attempting to fix his hair (with not much success).

“Okay… We’ve done it,” Wolfgang says, panting. “The bear is gone. That… was tough. But hey, caves are kinda cool. They’re where I go when I get fed up with all the tomfoolery at school, which happens basically every day.”

“We must not let our guard down, it could come back any second. And also, how could you be fed up with school when you are constantly surrounded by beautiful women?” Nic says.

“Dude, I don’t care about any beautiful women except for Helga right now,” snaps Wolfgang.

Nic gasps. “My friend, you talk about Helga way too much. She’s kind of--”

“DON’T EVEN START WITH ME,” Wolfgang says. “Whatever your opinion of Helga is, just know that I must avenge her. Trey’s going down.”

“Wait, so I thought you said earlier that you were not interested in Operation: Troll Trey!” Nic says. “You’ve changed your tune? YES-- I mean… That is very good. I don’t want to get too excited, otherwise my master plan may be revealed. I must put on my three C’s.”

“Do you mean cursing, caterwauling, and creaming others at video games? Dude, those are basically the pillars of my lifestyle!” Wolfgang gasps.

“You’re…” begins Nic. “You’re a very confusing man, Wolfgang.”

“Yep, I get that a lot,” Wolfgang says bluntly. “Let me have some alone time, all right? I really need that right now.” He begins to walk away, heading to the other side of the cave.

“WAIT!” says Nic. “You don’t want to hear the comprehensive list of every girl I have wooed in the entire Total Drama franchise?”

“Actually…” says Wolfgang. “You know, what else am I going to do? I’ll stay... I guess. But I reserve the right to leave if at any point you become too unbearable.”

“Why thank you!” gushes Nic. “You’re such a great amigo, Wolfgang. Much better than Arthur, who, for all of his strengths, smells suspicious most of the time. A true villain -- or villain’s accomplice -- must always smell fresh.”

Wolfgang says in the confessional, “I believe that’s the first time in my life that anyone has ever called me a great amigo. Or a great anything. It feels… foreign. And when I say foreign, I mean foreign like those horrible tacos you get at that awful Mexican place that cause you to sleep in the bathtub the next night.” He pauses. “...Okay, maybe that’s a little harsh. Nic’s not too bad.”

A massive rumbling reverberates through the cave, and suddenly the boulders blocking the entrance collapse to reveal Arthur and Julia standing outside.

“Ach! I am feeling wonderful thanks to the new Vampyre Punch move that I learned after leveling up to Lv. 46!” Arthur says triumphantly, with the Halloween-themed underwear still on his head.

“Truth is, you just slammed into the wall and your hefty bones made it collapse,” Julia says flatly. “But whatever, I don’t mind a little revisionist history.”

“Okay, so do any of us even care about this challenge, or are we going to just let Trey win and not do anything to stop that evil beast?!” Nic announces loudly.

“I’m tired,” Julia says. “Even my vocal cords are tired. But that’s mostly this guy’s doing.” She roughly elbows Arthur in the gut.

“Victory!” he yells.

“OKAY, THAT’S IT!” yells Julia. She flings the underwear off of his head, which causes Arthur to collapse onto the ground. “I just did you guys a huge favor. Trust me.”

Nic says in the confessional, “Those jerks interrupted my storytime to Wolfgang. I didn’t even get through any of them. So, I must tell the confessional now. I think the very first one was Elena, then swiftly followed by Chrissy, occasionally Julia with very mixed results… Yeah, she is a tough one... “ The camera turns to static.

The four are then shown walking out of the cave. “Finally,” Wolfgang grumbles. “That place smelled like fossilized sweat. I’m so glad it’s o--”

Wolfgang’s rant is interrupted by a loud growling noise, and the bear from earlier leaps out from the bushes with an even louder roar and picks up Julia, who begins shrieking. “JULIAAA!” yells the bear.

“Wait…” says Nic.

The “bear”’s head begins to loosen, then pops off, revealing a gleeful Sharissa with a strange new green hairstyle. “HOWDY!” she yells.

“Not YOU again!” yells Julia. “You’re the one who kept calling me short over and over back on Tiki Island, and… well, actually, I feel like you were probably the coolest person on our team, but still… I’ve HAD it with the snarky height remarks!”

“Eh-heh-heh,” says Sharissa. “So Alex is gone? Pity. Even though I dumped his butt. He’s lame. But, uh, here’s this clue, which I feel like you need for your challenge or somethin’.” She hands Julia a slip of paper.

Julia begins to read, but is interrupted by Arthur. “If you want to finish this challenge in time, head into the woods to the finish line… Time and line do not even rhyme. Who wrote this, a kindergartner?” he blurts out.

“I dunno. Bye!” yells Sharissa, and she leaps into the bushes without a sound.

The trees part, and a woozy-looking Chelsey walks up to the rest of the group. “Ugh, I heard the sounds of unpopularity emanating through the woods,” she says. “What’s going on?”

“Well, little ol’ Wolfie here seems to be catching up on his Z’s,” Arthur says, pointing to Wolfgang, who is asleep on the ground.

All right! I do need a good beauty nap, especially after that… incident with that pizza guy. Ew. So gross. Nighty-night!” Chelsey says cheerfully, and she sits down next to Wolfgang and begins sleeping. Arthur, Julia, and Nic subtly tiptoe past the two snoozing contestants.

Elsewhere, Trey and Flora are still running through the forest. “Okay!” says Flora cheerfully while running. “We’ve got the last clue! We’re such a good team, huh?”

“Yeah…” says an incredibly exhausted Trey.

“And look, the finish line is right up ahead!” says Flora, pointing to a crudely drawn line in the dirt with a grimacing Chef next to it.

“Okay… Wait, I think one of the buttons on your pants popped off back in the spooky woods… I know you really like fashion, so I bet that’s a pretty big deal… Why don’t you go get it, while I go to the finish line…” Trey says.

“Oh, it's fine! I don’t even like these pants anyway, they’re really old and worn-out,” says Flora. “Oh, hey, watch out for the puddle!”

“What pu--” begins Trey. There is a loud sploosh, and Trey falls into a tiny puddle that doesn’t seem to be too tiny underneath. He resurfaces and angrily blows out some water from his mouth.

Flora then crosses the finish line, and Chef blows a kazoo in celebration. “Flora wins immunity!” he says half-heartedly. “Now let’s get to th’ campfire ceremony or somethin’, because I’m tired.”

“YAY!” Flora says. “I couldn’t have done it without the help of Trey. Hey, where did he go?” A loud moaning noise is heard in the distance, to which Flora replies, “Oh.”

The contestants are then shown at the campfire ceremony, still at nighttime, and Wolfgang and Chelsey are still sleeping.

“Okay…” grumbles Chef. “So, ‘grats to Flora. This is, what, your twentieth challenge win? Impressive. Now it’s time t’ vote. And to get these two cretins to stop sleepin’, it’s time to bring out the heavy artillery.” He blows a whistle. “INTEEEERN!”

An intern appears with a giant bucket of water, and pours it on both Wolfgang and Chelsey, who wake up screaming and sputtering. “MY HAIR!” they both yell simultaneously.

“Time t’ vote,” says Chef. “Like I said. Get in that confessional. Arthur, you first.” Arthur walks up and struts to the confessional.

“Flora,” whispers Nic, leaning in close to Flora. “Help me. The time is right. Only now will Trey be able to finally leave this game and never appear on this island again, and then the true villain will be crowned. And, uh, by the way, it’s me.”

“Aw, Nic, I’m sorry that you don’t like him,” Flora says. “I think he’s a really nice guy.”

Nic is then shown in the confessional. “Operation: Troll Trey is in full effect. And yes, I am voting for him, if that wasn’t obvious. ROUND ONE!”

Nic walks up to Trey, who is shivering and has a towel covering him from falling into the puddle. “Oogily boogily boogily, an elephant sat on a wall,” he begins loudly. “And then he--” Trey says absolutely nothing, and Nic sighs and walks away.

“THE VOTES ARE IN!” yells Chef, drowning out any sound coming from Nic’s mouth. “Aaand, let’s do this. Seashells go to Flora, fo’ winning the challenge, um, Arthur, Julia, and Chelsey.”

Chef throws four seashells aggressively at the four, and they all catch them.

“WOLFGANG!” he yells.

“WHAT?!” yells Wolfgang back.

“YOU’RE SAFE!” yells Chef. Wolfgang breathes a sigh of relief.

“Aaaand, the bottom two,” says Chef. “Well, well, well. Who will be eliminated? This is quite juicy. Nic and Trey. Eevil vs. eeevil. The final seashell goes TO…”

“Trey.” Chef rapidly throws a seashell at Trey.

“Aw, MAN!” yells Nic. “Looks like my operation was just a flop...eration. BUT, I was expecting this! Silly competitors, I am always one step ahead of you!”

“Nic, I actually really liked you. You were such a nice guy!” Flora says sweetly.

“Well, if I am such a nice guy… Would you mind one last passionate burst of Latin love?” Nic says, rushing up to Flora.

“Okay!” says Flora. She gives Nic a brief peck on the lip. “Wow, that was fun! You’re a great friend, Nic.” In the background, Chelsey gags in disgust.

“This show just got 100% less beautiful!” yells Nic on his way to the Boat of Losers. “I may be evil, but I’m not the REAL villain! A greater evil is lurking. The truth is in the art!”

With the last sentence, he throws a crumpled piece of paper to Wolfgang, who picks it up. “Hm…” he says, examining the paper, which features a crudely drawn cartoon of a devil-horned Trey. “TREY = SUX. Gee, I wonder what this means.” Wolfgang rolls his eyes.

“Adios!” yells Nic, as the boat sails away.

“Good riddance…” says Trey under his breath.

“Well, alrigh’, that one was not shocking at all. Whatever. I’m just excited to go to sleep,” says Chef, attempting to sign off the episode. “We’re at th’ final six, and things are just gettin’ even more competitive. Tune in next time on Total… Drama… Superstar Showdown!”

Chapter 18 - Bride and Prejudice

“Last time on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown!” begins Roz, recapping the previous episode. “The contestants played a nice and fun game of hide and seek! Actually, it was barely even hide and seek… I dunno, man, give me a break. I was asleep the entire episode. I guess they went on a scavenger hunt, but things got a bit out-of-hand when Chelsey was tied upside-down to a tree and hit on by our grossest intern, Wolfgang and Nic were stuck in a cave, and Arthur and Julia were… doing Arthur and Julia things. And then my cousin Sharissa appeared for like five seconds, and I DIDN’T EVEN GET TO SEE IT! Ah, well. I guess that’s what I get for trying to have a well-rounded sleeping schedule, but with all the crap I go through from hosting this dang show, I can barely even achieve that. Argh. All right, well, luckily we have a VERY fun challenge today for the kiddos to participate in. What will it be? There’s only one way to find out, and that’s by watching! So do that!”

The contestants are shown the morning after elimination, where they are (shockingly) all asleep in various places around the cabin.

Flora is shown in the confessional. “Wow, that was the first time I’ve ever kissed a guy! Now, Nic… isn’t really boyfriend material, but it felt so good to check that one off my bucket list!” She grins.

She then gets up and goes to the sink, where she starts cheerfully brushing her teeth. “Gotta keep my teeth minty fresh! Don’t worry, I’m not trying to wash the taste of Nic from my mouth,” she says.

Chelsey, who is lying down on the couch, glares at Flora from across the room. “Nope. Not even going to bother today. I’m going to be a well-adjusted individual and keep my distance from Flora,” she says.

Wolfgang snorts loudly. “Yeah, that’ll work well. Think you’ll beat your record of ten seconds?”

“Ugh, Wolfgang, you know we don’t HAVE to have an alliance, right?” snaps Chelsey.

“Aw, come on, I didn’t mean it like that, it was just an offhand remark!” says Wolfgang. “Trust me, I need all the help I can get. But it’s not like you’re the best alliance-mate ever.”

“What are you talking about?!” says Chelsey. “It’s obvious that every alliance becomes 150-200% prettier with the addition of me.”

“Or with the addition of Flora, thanks to recent events,” says Arthur from across the room.

“Yeah, I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that,” Chelsey says.

“No, but the thing is, you keep helping out Trey. He’s a gross dude, and it’s about time everyone else saw that,” Wolfgang says. “But for some reason, he still has you under his mumbo-jumbo mind control.”

“Um, homophobia is not a good look on anyone,” says Chelsey. “I’m disappointed with you, Wolfgang.”

“Well, I’m disappointed with this conversation,” says Wolfgang, after an awkward pause. “I’m gonna go freshen up.” He walks to the corner, takes out a can of body spray, and begins to spray it on himself until the odor fills up the entire room.

Arthur is seen in the confessional. “You know, I am not as disappointed as I should be that Nic is gone. He is a naughty boy, and he kept stealing my thunder thanks to his obsession with Trey. Now, I can--”

There is a loud banging on the door, and a shrill voice then pipes up. “HURRY UP! I gotta go!”

Arthur slyly opens the door of the confessional, and sure enough, Julia is standing right there. “Come in,” he says invitingly.

“Fine,” Julia mutters, and she walks into the bathroom. She kicks Arthur in the groin, and he keels over while moaning, falling out of the confessional. “That’s better,” she says. “Okay, so honestly, I don’t even know why I’m still here. I don’t have any friends left, and Arthur just won’t leave. Ugh. Might as well try to pull out a second win, I really could use the cheddar.”

Julia walks out of the confessional and sits down next to Flora. “Have we ever interacted?” says Julia.

“Yeah,” says Flora cheerfully. “You yell at me sometimes. It’s not very nice. Sometimes it scares me, actually.”

“Oh, well, uh…” Julia says. “Sorry, I suppose. Hmph. Do you at least like One Erection? Wait, what kind of a question is that, you’re the epitome of a--”

“Oh, no, they’re boring,” says Flora. “I prefer Ten Minutes of Winter. Their tunes are so rockin’!”

“WHAT?!” Julia yells, enraged. “But… but they’re… ugh, why can’t I get away from those punk-wannabe losers?!”

“HEY! I told you to stop calling me that, Derek!” yells Wolfgang from the other side of the room. “Wait, uh… never mind. Carry on.”

“I’m going outside,” says Julia. She opens the door to see Trey slumped on the ground right outside of the cabin, asleep. She takes one glance at him, turns around, and walks back inside, slamming the door loudly.

“Yes, let Matt get his beauty sleep,” says Arthur. “After all, the ‘damp poodle’ look he has perfected takes quite a few hours of Z’s.”

There is a loud scream from outside, and then Roz flings open the door. “HEY!” she yells. “Guess who’s alive, awake, alert, and enthusiastic after getting 13 hours of sleep last night?!”

Trey slumps into the room, seeming to be sobbing, then collapses onto the couch.

“Uh… apparently not Trey,” says Roz. “By the way, sorry for the, um, technical difficulties at the challenge last night. I was really not feeling it. Thankfully, Cheffy was! That guy is the real MVP of this show. But anyway, it’s challenge time! Head outside to the fields and stuff and we can get ready to roll!”

Trey is then shown in the confessional. “I was NOT sobbing. You may have heard loud, mournful noises coming out of my body, but I promise, I just... snore really weirdly. Plus, why would I even be sad?! Nic is GONE! Only five losers remain!”

Roz is shown at the fields (and stuff) with the contestants, as well as a massive slot machine looming over them with Chef standing next to it and smirking.

“Hellooo!” she says. “So, six is a nice, even number, right? You know what that means!”

“Actually, we… don’t, because you haven’t… explained the challenge,” says Wolfgang.

“Well, Wolfie, I’m getting to that,” Roz says. “Wow, for a guy who literally never talked in Tokyo, you’ve sure been bringing the sass lately. Anyway, here goes. Your challenge today will involve a race across town, featuring multiple obstacles run by me, Chef, and all the other friendly folks who work on the show like Smoothie Guy! Beware, though: the last to get to the finish line will be automatically eliminated. Nope, no vote or anything. You’re out!”

Wolfgang says in the confessional, “Great, just what I needed, running. I mean, maybe the obstacles will be catered towards me… like playing shoot-’em-ups or yearning over sarcastic blonde German girls… Whoo-hoo!”

“But here’s the twist!” says Roz. “Yep, don’t worry, I’m not making you guys do this by yourselves. That’d be silly and dumb. This is where the slot machine comes into play! Uh, Cheffy, care to explain?!”

“Mmm,” grunts Chef. “As Roz said, six IS a very nice and even number. So, y’know, today you will be paired up into couples. Spouses. Hubby ‘n’ wife. Bickering lovers. And, since we staff members at Total Drama like to subvert gender roles, the fellas will be gettin’ into this slot machine and the ladies will be picking them!”

Nobody says anything. “Y’HEARD ME, FELLAS! GET IN THERE! GO!” yells Chef, and Arthur, Trey, and Wolfgang rush into the slot machine at rapid speed.

Julia sighs. “Ugh, can I at least go first? That way maybe I won’t be forced to be with Arthur again. Though, knowing you fools, I’ll be stuck with the guy anyway.”

“Yep, Julia, go first!” says Roz. She and Chef exchange maniacal giggles.

Julia pulls the lever of the machine, and it makes multiple sputtering noises as it spins before the hatch pops open, and out falls Arthur. “Ow, my bunions!” he yells as he falls onto the ground with a thud.

Julia slaps her head. “Okay, can you guys admit that you’re just trolling me at this point? P.S., it’s NOT FUNNY. I should’ve expected as much,” she says.

“Look on the bright side,” says Arthur. “You get to hang out with me and my charming personality all day, and we will probably win the challenge like we did last time. Remember? We are the dream team.”

“Yep, I dream that one day I will be living a life without you,” snaps Julia.

Chelsey is then shown going up to the machine and pulling the lever. She gasps as Trey pops out and collides with the ground, crumpling up.

“Aw, Trey, that was really not a good look for you,” Chelsey says. “Your Bonjour Doggy boxers are all disheveled! No matter, though, we’re totally gonna destroy the competish.”

“Yeah, whatever you say, Chelsey…” says Trey quietly.

Wolfgang then peeks his head out of the machine. “So that means I’m with Flora, right? Great. You know, she’s actually probably the best option,” he says.

“Wow, you’ve been super rude today, Wolfie,” says Chelsey. “Yikes. Your popularity is gonna drop faster than the funding going into this stupid sho--”

Chelsey is interrupted by Flora stepping up to Wolfgang. “Hi! I’m ready to get married!” she says cheerfully.

“...Can we just stick with a civil union?” Wolfgang says, in horror. Flora smiles at him.

“Okay, sooo,” says Roz. “You guys ready? Your first destination is Victor’s Secret in the downtown area, where you’ll be hunting for the perfect wedding getup! Then you’ll be heading to Smoothie Guy’s fancy-schmancy seafood restaurant, where you’ll have to answer trivia about your spouses-to-be, and finally, you’ll come to Chef where you’ll have to… well, it’s a surprise!” She looks at Chef, who starts laughing hysterically. “And then you’ll have to race to the finish line! Remember, if you’re last to arrive, you’re automatically out!”

“Wait, isn’t Victor’s Secret an adult diaper store? Who’d need that other than Arthur?” Julia says. “I am NOT wearing a diaper.”

“Heh, it’s actually a multi-purpose store now,” Roz says. “Lawsuits or something, y’know. Anyway, you guys ready? If not, then you should be. GO!”

The three couples run off into the distance. “Okay, listen, we HAVE to beat Flora this time,” Chelsey says to Trey. “So you have to PICK IT UP!”

“Uh, I don’t really want to run today…” says Trey. “Can you carry me… Piggy-back or something…”

“Whatever,” scoffs Chelsey. “After all, you don’t want to get your hair dirty, right? I get it! Neither do I! Wow, gay guys like you really are a lot like me! I guess that’s why they love me!”

Trey says in the confessional, “I must not appear too strong in front of Chelsey, so I don’t look like a threat thanks to that Nic moron blabbing on about me at his elimination. But UGH, she’s really working my last nerve with this gay stuff! Was saying that in the first place even worth it?”

Chelsey stops, and Trey jumps onto her back. A loud cracking noise is heard as Chelsey howls in agony. “AUGH! I didn’t do my daily yoga this morning!” she yells. “Oh, man, my fitness instructor is going to be soooo miffed…”

“It’s fine, Chelsey, let’s just go to Victor’s Secret… I bet the other teams are already there…” says Trey.

The camera then pans to Arthur and Julia, who are definitely not at Victor’s Secret yet, and are just walking leisurely down the street.

“Julia, what is your favorite deep-sea creature? See, I like the anglerfish because it is large, round, terrifying, and has a big mouth, similar to myself,” Arthur says.

“Arthur, shut up. I’m scrolling through Tweeter right now,” Julia says, with her phone out. “MUCH more important.”

“You’re totally a tubeworm,” Arthur snickers, as Julia shoots him a mean glare. After a pause, he says, “Where’s Victor’s Secret anyway? You’d think my adult diaper senses would sniff it out, but apparently not.”

“It’s right there,” says Julia. Sure enough, it is right there. “Pay more ATTENTION, you… you… toddler-in-a-man’s-body.”

Julia says in the confessional, “Okay, after verbally harassing the guy for eighteen years, it’s really hard to be freaking creative.”

Wolfgang and Flora are then shown entering into Victor’s Secret. “Yay, we’re here!” Flora says. “How do we find clothes?”

“Gee, I dunno,” says Wolfgang, staring at the many racks of clothes completely surrounding them. “It’s a toughie.”

Something catches Flora’s eye, and she sprints over to a clothing rack and shows Wolfgang a frilly dress featuring flowers, vibrant colors, and a grinning elephant’s head right in the middle of the chest. “Oh my gosh, it’s so cute,” says Flora.

“You know, something tells me that it may not be formal enough for our…” says Wolfgang. “Our wedding. I appreciate the bright… happy… colors, though.”

Wolfgang says in the confessional, “Okay, Flora’s love for adorable and happy things is SERIOUSLY gross. But I dunno, man, it’s so hard to get mad at her! She’s basically a walking ray of sunshine. For a while, I thought she was completely devoid of a personality, but she’s just calm and happy as heck all the time, and I think it’s rubbing off on me. Oh GOD, that can’t happen.”

“Uh, Wolfie, what are you doing?” says Flora, looking at Wolfgang, who’s examining a massive, intimidating-looking bottle of hard liquor. “We should probably get going, right?”

“Ugh, sorry, I just thought that this’d be a good drink to serve at the wedding, right? You know. Dark, twisted, spooky, contains absurd amounts of alcohol,” says Wolfgang.

“Drinking? I don’t drink! That’s bad for you if you’re underage!” says Flora, in shock. “I prefer chocolate milk, it never lets me down.”

“Okay, fine, let’s just…” Wolfgang says. “Grab our clothes and get out of here, I guess.”

“But we don’t have any clothes yet!” Flora says. “That is, unless you let me wear that super cute elephant dress. Can I? Please?”

“Eh, why not,” says Wolfgang. “Let’s do it. It’s, er, alternative, and definitely not boring. Now, what do I wear?”

His eyes suddenly move to another shelf displaying a tuxedo featuring a spiked collar and lots of intense, edgy orange flames, and romantic music plays as Wolfgang’s eyes water at the mere sight of the tux.

Chelsey and Trey then appear at the doorway of the store. Chelsey immediately sees Flora, and her eyes narrow. “YOU,” she says vengefully.

“Chelsey, stay focused… We need to win this challenge, no time for harassing Flora…” mutters Trey.

“Okay, fine!” says Chelsey. She rushes over to the other side of the store, and collides with an old man shopping for adult diapers. “MOVE!” she yells to the old guy, and he falls to the ground with a whump.

She eventually makes it to the dress section. “Trey, you’ve got a great fashion sense, right? I mean, other than the boring gray undershirt, but that surfboard sweater you rocked in Tiki was SO fetch,” she says. “Help me out here!”

“Uh, that’s not even one of my favorite shirts…” says Trey. “A solid 6/10, really… Let me just find a suit…”

Wolfgang and Flora then run by, leaving the store fully dressed in their wedding attire. “Bye!” says Flora.

“Oh, COME ON!” says Chelsey. “We’re, like, totally behind. We have to kick it into high gear. So, Trey, you just pick something, I don’t really care how it looks, just get dressed. Meanwhile, I need to spend an hour or two in the changing room. Byesies!” She leaps away.

After Chelsey is gone, Trey’s face gradually becomes red and he blows steam out of his ears while making the sound of a train engine.

Arthur and Julia are shown walking into Victor’s Secret. “Look, Julia, we must focus this time,” warns Arthur to Julia, who’s still scrolling through her phone. “If we win, we may get to the final two again, and you can destroy me again. Isn’t that enough for you?”

“Okay, fine, I’ll--” she begins. She then pauses, and a look of horror slowly makes its way onto her face. “Wait. NO. It can’t… No way.”

“Mm? Did Magic Mark 3 hit #1 at the box office again? I knew it would, that’s a cinematic masterpiece,” says Arthur.

Julia rushes into the store, and snatches up a tabloid from one of the racks. She examines the cover, which says in massive print, “ZANE CONFIRMED TO BE LEAVING ONE ERECTION AFTER MASSIVE BLOWUP - WHAT’S NEXT FOR THE BAND?”.

“...NOOOOOOOO!” wails Julia, and it reverberates throughout the entire store, catching the attention of Chelsey, Trey, and various old men shopping.

Arthur says in the confessional, “...This’ll be good.” He then laughs hysterically.

Julia is shown face-down on the ground, sobbing. After a while, Arthur attempts to cheer her up by saying, “Come on! I’ll buy you whale-shaped cheese crackers! You love those… right? I know I do, at least!”

“I… I’m a pit of sorrow… There’s no way that he’s actually gone…” Julia sniffles.

“Okay, look, it’s not like the guy is dead,” says Arthur.

“HE MAY AS WELL BE!” yells Julia. She gets up from the ground, with her makeup looking blotchy. “O-okay. Now we HAVE to win. Not for me, and DEFINITELY not for you. For Zane.”

“See you later, guys…” says Trey, leaving the store with Chelsey right behind, both of them wearing cheap-looking suits.

“Oh lordt, even Santa is ahead of us! Gotta go fast!” says Arthur. “And hey, now that Zane is gone, there’s an empty slot in your heart for a new man… Whaddya say?”

Julia slaps Arthur in the face, and he moans loudly. “We’re gonna WIN THIS THING,” she says fiercely.

The scene changes to Smoothie Guy, who’s cleaning tables at the fancy restaurant and waiting for the contestants to arrive.

He begins to rant quietly to himself. “You know, I almost had my life together. Almost. I was bound to do GREAT things, but then I just had to come here and work on this freaking show while getting no money whatsoever and being generally miserable, and I’m sick and tire--” He’s then interrupted by Wolfgang and Flora, who rush in.

“Hey, we’re ready for the challenge!” says Flora.

“Wait, challenge? What? Did Roz sign me up for something against my will again?! Hold on…” Smoothie Guy says, and then pulls out his phone. “What? Marriage trivia? How the heck am I supposed to… Ugh, all right.” He turns to the two. “First question, uh, where was your spouse born? You guys have to get five questions right to advance, by the way.”

“How am I supposed to know that?! Come on, this is rigged!” protests Wolfgang.

“In a house!” says Flora.

“Ding ding ding!” says Smoothie Guy. “You’re correct! Apparently that’s a valid answer, according to this sheet. Also, where’d you get that sick elephant dress? Anyway, next question…”

“Step aside, lightweights, we’re here to kick some butt and take some names,” says a voice at the door. Sure enough, Chelsey and Trey walk in and sit down right next to Wolfgang and Flora.

“Ugh, Chelsey, I told you, that doesn’t sound cool or threatening whatsoever… Stop it…” says Trey.

Wolfgang whispers to Chelsey, “Wow. Partnered with that guy? Honestly, I feel sorry for you.”

“It’s better than being with YOU, Mr. I-Don’t-Want-To-Be-In-An-Alliance,” snaps Chelsey, and Trey perks up.

All right, fine,” says Wolfgang, slapping his head. “I have no room for negativity in my life.” He then falls out of the chair he’s sitting in. “UGH! What’s wrong with this chair? Couldn’t you have picked something that isn’t a DEATH TRAP?!”

“It’s okay, I have a band-aid,” says Flora. She gives Wolfgang a bandage with a yellow smiley face on it.

“Well, uh, I didn’t actually get any massive cuts on my skin or anything, but…” says Wolfgang, rubbing his head. “Thanks, Flora, I guess. You’re a pal.”

Trey says in the confessional, “Wait… Did Chelsey just imply that she’s in an alliance with WOLFGANG?! I didn’t think things could get any worse…”

Smoothie Guy clears his throat obnoxiously. “Um, guys, I’m trying to host a challenge here, so if you could shut up, that’d be greatly appreciated,” he says.

“Let’s be real, none of us really know anything about each other,” says Chelsey. “Why would I waste my time learning about people below me?”

“But I know stuff about Wolfgang! Like, he’s a really nice guy who’s also really great at teamwork and stuff,” says Flora. Wolfgang, in awe, begins to tear up.

“Okay, fine,” says Smoothie Guy. “Do NOT tell Roz about this, but if you guys finish washing the tables for me, then you can skip ahead to the final station. Got it? A nice little bit of manual labor never hurt anyone, right?”

The contestants all roll their eyes, except Flora, who seems to be wearing her usual expression. “Fine…” says Trey.

Sure enough, the four contestants are then seen scrubbing the tables of the restaurant with cloths, but are soon interrupted by Arthur and Julia barging into the restaurant, now in complete formal wear.

“You know, I never told you that the suit you’re wearing actually makes you look a little less grossly corpulent,” says Julia. “I’m impressed, man.”

“Listen, you do not have to tell me that you’re impressed,” winks Arthur. “Better than Zane now, eh?”

“Do NOT mention Zane,” says Julia, her voice beginning to shake. “Okay. Alex Nichols. Hit us with your best shot, we’re ready.”

“Do you guys really want to do this? I’m warning you,” says Smoothie Guy. “I hit hard with the questions.” Arthur and Julia nod. “Okay, fine. Question one. What is your spouse’s birthday?”

“January 2nd,” says Julia, at the same time Arthur says “September 4th.”

Smoothie Guy gasps. “Whoa! I’m impressed!” he says. “Next question, what is your spouse’s deepest sexual desire?”

“To have a sweet, intimate ‘Webflicks and relax’ session with--” begins Arthur.

“With Infinity Suit Spamus! From those spaceship video games or whatever! Arthur TOTALLY loves her, I got exclusive info from Kavren that you watch this one cutscene over and over and over again just to stare at her. So HA!” says Julia.

“And I was going to say to have a sweet, intimate ‘Webflicks and relax’ session with all five members of 1E,” says Arthur. “Wait, just kidding, make that four.” Julia’s eyes begin to water.

“Okay, this is getting WAAAAY too personal, even for me. I’m impressed, though, but I also kind of want to throw up on your faces. So get out of here! You win this challenge and whatever! Leave!” yells Smoothie Guy.

Arthur offers Julia a high-five, but she instead kicks him in the groin. “Let’s just… make our way outside,” wheezes Arthur, visibly struggling.

He waddles outside with Julia, and they encounter Chef, who waves while sitting at a long table decorated with hearts and cherubs.

“Well, hello,” says Chef. “It is time for the final part of your marriage extravaganza. Ready?”

“Come on, it can’t be THAT bad,” says Julia. “At least, it can’t be worse than the… t-t-tragedy that I faced earlier this morning…”

“Just spit it out, Cheffy,” Arthur says. “And we will get it done accordingly. I can guarantee.”

“Alrigh’,” says Chef. “If you insist. For the final part of this challenge, you must kiss your partner.” Arthur and Julia’s eyes widen. “For ten seconds.” Julia clasps her hands to her face. “PASSIONATELY.”

“OH GOD!” yells Julia. “You’ve CROSSED THE LINE, Chef!”

“Listen, this was not my idea. Go yell at Roz or somethin’,” says Chef, waggling a finger. “Now are you gonna do it or not?! Go, maggots, go!”

“Okay, Julia, I will motivate you. My lips are as soft as a baby’s bottom. You remember, right? After all, we did kiss in that Gail challenge,” says Arthur.

“Oh, nonononono,” says Julia. “Might as well kiss our chances of winning goodbye, because it’s NOT happening.”

Wolfgang, Flora, Chelsey, and Trey then walk out of the restaurant and to Chef. “Oh, god, this can’t be good…” says Wolfgang, looking at Julia’s horrified expression.

“Here, my friends,” says Chef, pulling up some chairs. “Sit down. Stay a bit. Get ready to kiss your partners. For ten seconds. PASSIONATELY.”

“...” says Trey.

“Oh my gosh, I’m so glad I’m with a guy who doesn’t even like girls!” says Chelsey. “It’s gonna be just like what the French do to greet each other or whatever, right? It’ll be soooo painless.”

“Okay, this’ll be a breeze!” says Flora. “As long as you’re not opposed to it or anything. You aren’t, right?”

“Uh… Yeah, I mean, it’ll be okay, I guess,” says Wolfgang. “Just a game, right?”

Wolfgang says in the confessional, “Look, Helga, I don’t even know if you still like me or not, or what the status of our relationship is, but I’d NEVER cheat on you! I swear! This is only for game-related purposes!”

Flora looks at Wolfgang and smiles sweetly. Wolfgang then wipes some sweat off his brow, leans in, and the two kiss… for ten seconds… somewhat passionately. The bell dings triumphantly, and the two leave the area.

Flora says in the confessional, “Neat! Two kisses in twenty-four hours! I bet Chelsey hasn’t gotten that many, but I won’t tell her, don’t worry. That’d hurt her feelings.”

The two arrive at the finish line, and see Roz. “Hey!” she says. “You’ve WON! Well, uh, the challenge, at least. And I guess I gotta give you guys a reward, right? Okay, well, you’ve won a month’s supply of Bavarian sausages! To be fairly split among yourselves, obviously.”

“YES!” cheers Wolfgang loudly.

“Wow, my fourth challenge win so far!” says Flora. “Congrats, Wolfgang, you’re a great partner!”

“Hey, thanks, Flora,” says Wolfgang. “That’s actually a really nice thing to hear. Now I’m gonna put this flaming tux in a safe place and then take a thirteen-hour nap, but you know, great effort.” He walks away.

The camera then changes back to the remaining contestants still at Chef’s shack, where Chelsey and Trey are getting ready for the big kiss.

“C’mon, Jules, time is running out! I know my morbidly obeeeese body may repulse you on every level, but we can’t get out just yet,” says Arthur.

“Ugh, I really don’t want to leave…” says Julia, sweating. “Okay, FINE! Let’s just get it ove--” She is interrupted by a watch beeping. “...Oh no.”

Sure enough, the red underpants are now on top of Arthur’s head. “While many children may have their first kiss at a young age, it often does not lead to anything substantial,” says Puber T. “Grooming intimate relationships is always a very good precursor to kissing.” Julia stares in horror.

“Okay, fine, I’m ready…” says Trey, with a hint of anger to his voice. He then leans into Chelsey’s face, and the two kiss for ten seconds, with very little passion involved.

All right, let’s go! Congrats! Wow, your future boyfriend must be, like, super lucky,” says Chelsey, as the two run off.

Chelsey and Trey make it to Roz at the finish line, who greets them. “Alrighty, folks, you’re in that not-winning-not-losing purgatory, but you’re still safe! That must be a relief!” she says.

“It really is, oh my gosh, now you can be my trusty sidekick for taking out Flora and everything!” says Chelsey, hugging Trey. “It’ll be an awesome dream team.”

“Okay, THAT’S IT!” Trey suddenly yells, showing emotion outside the confessional for the first time in a very, very long while. “Chelsey! You DOLT! I’m NOT going to be your sidekick, you’re supposed to be MINE! And I’m not actually gay, how did you believe that for so long?! It was just a ploy to get you onto my freaking side because everyone else hates me and I needed an alliance! I’m sick and tired of all your NONSENSE!”

“What?!” says Chelsey, her mouth hanging slightly ajar.

Chelsey is shown in the confessional, still with her mouth hanging open. “How?!”

Roz is then shown in the confessional. “...Wow, that was… juicy? Maybe? I dunno, man, I’m kinda uncomfortable, actually.”

“Oh, you are about to drop soooo far on the popularity polls,” says Chelsey. “Honey, you’ve got a BIG storm coming. You should’ve known better than to mess with me, tsk, tsk…”

“I don’t even care! You were able to save me for this long, and now I can get to the end without you, and, like… win and stuff!” says Trey vengefully.

“Um, yeah, good luck with that,” says Chelsey. “Honestly, I’d rather take a nude bath with Arthur right now than continue this conversation, so… Bye!” She then walks away.

Trey says in the confessional, “Okay, maybe I got… a little angry, but who cares about Chelsey? I don’t need her. With that imbecile Flora on my side, I’ll totally win it!”

Arthur and Julia are shown back with Chef, still not having kissed yet, and Arthur still seems to be Puber T. “Listen, have your lips grown yet?” he says.

“Ughhh, I never thought I’d say this, but just KISS ME already!” yells Julia.

There is a ringing noise that seems to be coming from Arthur’s brain, and he stares hypnotically at Julia. He suddenly flings the red underpants off his head (they land on Chef, unsurprisingly) and clears his throat. “It is time,” he says.

Arthur looks at Julia. Julia looks at Arthur. They begin to kiss, for (probably much longer than) ten seconds, and with a surprising amount of passion involved.

Julia says in the confessional, “That… wasn’t that bad, actually?! Whoa. I just imagined he was Zane, and it was sooo much better. Zane, honey, if you’re watching this, my couch is always open for you to crash on if you need something to do now that you’re g-g-gone…”

Arthur says in the confessional, while blushing, “Welp, my life is complete. Nothing left to do other than tighten my peanuts on the regular. I have achieved nirvana.”

“...Wait,” says Julia. “One of us is going to get eliminated. Oh GOD, I gotta--” She looks, and Arthur is already gone. “Crap.”

Julia and Arthur are then seen running to the finish line, neck and neck. Arthur seems to be far ahead, but Julia soon catches up to him due to his... subpar running skills. They get to the finish line, and as it switches to slow-motion…

...Arthur’s foot crosses directly before, and Julia lands right on top of him.

“Hey, guys!” says Roz. “Guess what? You’re--”

“HAW!” says Arthur. “Now, that kiss was very nice, but do you know what has warmed my bulbous little heart even more? The fact that I’ve beaten you! Now, all that shade you’ve thrown at me for beating me in Tiki will be no more, as I’ve caught up! Harharharhar!”

“UGH! I knew I shouldn’t have kissed you, you--” says Julia.

“As I was saying,” interrupts Roz. “Remember at the start when I said that the last to arrive would be eliminated? I said that BEFORE we announced the duos twist! So you know what that means?! You’re BOTH out!”

“Aw, fish innards!” says Arthur. Julia begins to cackle uncontrollably at the newly-stated twist.

The scene then changes to the elimination ceremony, where Arthur and Julia are getting ready to board the Boat of Losers with the other contestants watching.

“Farewell, Total Drama fools,” says Arthur. “Now I get to eat tons of carbohydrates and hang out with my buddies, so it’s not too much of a loss. I will miss you all, though. Well, except Matt, who I hope gets turned into a potato. Or an aubergine. That may be worse.”

“Arthur, I hope to never see you again…” says Trey. Chelsey shakes her head at him while wearing a furious expression.

“Yeah, I’m out,” says Julia. “Come ON, Arthur, let’s go.” She tugs Arthur’s ear, and he utters a brief “Ow!” and then follows Julia to the Boat of Losers.

“Well, that was a completely unrewarding experience,” says Julia on the boat. “A bunch of months of my life I’ll never get back. Ugh.”

“Do not worry, at least you have me to hang out with!” says Arthur. “Come on, you have to admit you enjoyed that kiss.”

“Okay, it wasn’t TOO bad. And to be honest, I despise you like 80% of the time now, as opposed to the 99.9% it was before we did this stupid show,” says Julia. “So I guess we can try to make a peace offering. But if you keep up your shenanigans, I’ll pummel you.”

“That is all I need,” says Arthur. “Should I do away with Puber T entirely? I think it is his time to go.”

Julia nods, and says, “Ya think?” as the boat drives off into the sunset.

Chapter 19 - Lose Your Own Adventure

“Hey, guys!” says Roz, standing outside of a large, fancy-looking wooden building. “Last time on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown, lots of fun and exciting things happened, and we got to do one of my all-time favorite challenges - the bridal one! Sooo fun. I love forcing people who really aren’t attracted to each other at all to kiss each other… well, except for Arthur and Julia, since there’s obvi a love connection there! Speaking of those two folks, they were the last team to arrive at the finish line, and in the new super twisted twist, that meant that they BOTH got eliminated! Sad, I guess, but they were also the final two last time. Gotta give the others some spotlight, y’know? Plus, half of the final four is made up of Tokyo peeps, which just makes me sooo happy. Tokyo represent! Anyway, you might notice that I’m not at the camps, and am at what looks like a rustic, but also really nice-looking, hotel. That’s because today, we’re checking in with the losers! Yep, I’ll be holding some exclusive interviews and seeing what they’re up to, so that’ll be super juicy! Aaaand, let’s start now!”

The camera zooms into the hotel, through various hallways, and into a mostly empty room where Ori is sitting on a bed, furiously scrolling through something on his laptop.

“Oh, hello,” he says, noticing the camera. “I have been here for a while, since I was the first contestant voted off. And obviously, that was infuriating, but I’ve gotten past it and am trying to make myself a better person now, by changing my many faults such as my volatile temper and fascination with Devin.”

There is a knock on the door, and sure enough, Darryl Gerard walks in with a large shopping bag. “Hi, son! I felt like you’d be getting lonely, so I came to drop off some frosted animal crackers and maybe chat for a minute or two! Y’know, a little family bonding?”

“DAD?!” shouts Ori. “This isn’t the time! I’m trying to get some stuff done, like eradicate every trace of my awful ‘gangsta’ phase from the Internet!”

“D’aww, son, but I’d love to bond with you…” Mr. Gerard says. He checks his watch. “Oh, just kiddin’! Whaddya know, I gotta go back home to practice my new ‘50s revival band! After all, they don’t call me ‘Doo-Wop Darryl’ for nothin’.”

“Oh god, I almost forgot that existed… Can we never talk about it again?” says Ori, slapping his head.

Ori is shown in the confessional. “Yes, my dad DID have a rock ‘n’ roll phase. And yes, it DID end when he was caught smuggling 88 pounds of a suspicious substance into Canada.”

“Alrighty then,” sighs Mr. Gerard. “Sorry about the interruptance, son. I guess I’ll be off, then. But don’t worry, even though you were the first contestant voted off and had a rather humiliating showing on live TV, I’ll still always love ya!”

“Yeah, all right, uh…” says Ori. “Love you too, dad. I guess. Thanks for the crackers, though!” Mr. Gerard closes the door on his way out, leaving Ori alone again. “Hmm… Oh GOD, why did I ever think it’d be a good idea to post a video of me rapping onto HeadNovel? Deleting that instantly.”

The camera then moves to a group of girls - MacKenzie, Veronica, Chrissy, Estrella, and Helga, as well as a sleeping Alex, who are all sitting on a long couch and not doing much of note, with most of them watching TV and Estrella and Helga reading.

“Hi, guys!” says Roz. “Any new, cool updates as to what you’ve been doing?”

“Not much, really,” says MacKenzie. “I’m not really sure why I was even on this season. I didn’t do much, and I figured I’d redeem myself, but of course I got stuck on a team of lunatics.”

“Relax, everyone’s a lunatic on this show,” says Estrella dryly. “Some are just better at hiding it than others.”

Flora’s definitely not a lunatic, she’s the most normal one left,” says Veronica. “That’s why I’m rooting for her 100%! Plus, she keeps pissing off Chelsey, which is just hilarious to me.” Helga glances at Veronica, then goes back to reading.

“You know, I’m pretty at peace with my early exit,” says Chrissy, while whittling a piece of wood with a knife. “Well, even though it ended with me kissing Nic, which was likely one of the top five grossest things I’ve ever done. He’s repulsive.”

“Shhh, he might hear us!” says Veronica. “Then again, I… kinda feel the same way, haha…”

“Don’t you remember? He’s upstairs, ‘playing’ his accordion,” says Helga. A shrill, piercing noise resembling a dying cat emanates from upstairs. “Yeah, that’ll block out any sound.”

Veronica says in the confessional, “I am SO happy I came back to Total Drama! You know, I was just gonna go back home, go to college, and move on with my life and everything, but I was sooo glad I was able to destroy my reputation as a doormat and actually stand up for myself! Plus, Layla is in like Tahiti or something with Charles right now, so that’s another bullet dodged. Now, as long as I don’t have to see Nic, I’ll be golden!”

“Can we just discuss how ridiculously unbalanced the teams were this time?” Chrissy grunts. “All the… strong personalities were on the other side, and as much as I hate Arthur, I’d take him over schmucks like Trick any day.”

Alex suddenly wakes up. “Uh, yeah, man, Trick was a jerk. Glad he’s gone. Haven’t spoken to the guy once since he got here. He’s like Trey, only he’s actually hot.”

“Uh, I wouldn’t necessarily call him hot, unless you like Kent dolls,” says Helga while reading a book called Plastic Villages, but Alex is already asleep again.

“Heh. Helga prefers the more wilderness-y, rustic types, right?” chuckles Chrissy.

“Wow, good one,” says Helga. “But you’re not wrong. You think I’d kiss the guy if his head was shaped like a football or he spent every waking moment in a banana suit? The answer is no.”

“Hm, Helga, how did you feel about Wolfgang passionately making out with Flora last episode?” asks Estrella.

“Oh, stop kidding yourself. That was even less passionate than me in gym class,” says Helga. “But honestly, I didn’t really care.”

MacKenzie says in the confessional, “I thought it was cute…”

Chrissy says in the confessional, “Hanging out with the girls has been chill, especially as opposed to the testosterone squad that are Nic and those other weirdos. Oh, and if you want to know why I’m no longer wearing my sunglasses? Yeah, Fumblr isn’t my thing anymore. I got sick and tired of those lame people who just posted pictures of wrinkled fabric and got copious amounts of reblogs. I’m back to my old routine, and personally, I heavily prefer it.”

“Estrella, it seems you’re skating around your rendezvous with Julian,” Helga says. “I haven’t heard you talk about it in a while. Maybe ever. What gives?”

“Yeah, I dunno,” says Estrella. “It was kind of a heat-of-the-moment thing, you know? But then again, you’d be surprised at how well wearing a beanie covers up that abhorrent afro. He’s not that bad… I guess.”

“Personally, I ship it, Estrella!” says Veronica excitedly. “You two would look cute together. You’ve got the whole pale goth look going, and then he’s tall, dark, and… uh, decent-looking.”

“Great, glad to see that our resident relationship guru approves,” says Estrella, extremely deadpan.

“I’m… gonna go back to carving,” says Chrissy, and she resumes whittling a graphic image out of her block of wood. “Good talk, guys.”

Roz is then shown walking through the hallway. She opens a door to a random room and sees Casey alone on a bed. “Uh… Wait, Casey, why are you still here?” says Roz.

“Silly Roz, I’ve been hanging out with Puck this whole time,” says Casey. “And, more importantly, I feel like being this close to the competition gives me a PERFECT pulse on what Chelsey is doing at all times. And I totally have to emulate that for myself, hahaha.”

“Well, uh, I can’t disagree with that,” says Roz. “Y’know, I’d normally have to call security on ya, but we were good pals back in Tokyo, so I’ll let it slide. Where is Puck, anyway?”

“Oh, he’s in the bathroom, apparently having severe gastrointestinal distress due to ‘going ham’ on that Mexican food we ordered last night,” scoffs Casey. “Like, come on. He thinks his BOWELS are more important than making out with ME? The guy’s got some messed-up priorities, but at least he’s still hot as a furnace.”

The sound of a door creaking open then becomes audible, and Puck staggers out of a nearby bathroom. “Howdy-hey, it’s Roz! Whoa, this is like a Tokyo reunion! Never have I seen anything so ‘chill!’” he says.

“Pucky, you seem strangely relaxed considering that horror you just went through in there,” says Casey concernedly. “Are you okay?”

“Uh, y-yeah, I’m fine,” he says, although his face looks whiter than usual. “Stuff like that builds character, y’know? Whoo, boy, am I glad I’m here. This place is so tight, AND I get to cheer on Wolfie from the sidelines!”

“Wait, you’re not at all salty about the fact that he voted you out?” Roz inquires.

“Nah, nah, you see, I’m a pretty calm and collected guy. True friends forgive and forget, and I’m willing to do that to Wolfie! Never has a guy been so concerned for me and my well-being,” Puck says. “Plus, he’s got a girlfriend now, which is super freezy cool! Never woulda thunk it.”

“You know who else has a girlfriend? You,” says Casey. “And that girlfriend’s lips are getting dry, and she reeeally needs some lovin’ right now, otherwise she’s going to have to go back to repeatedly watching that poorly-made ‘Chelsey’s Greatest Hits’ video on MyCircle that’s set to the tune of that one horrid synthpop song. And she really doesn’t want that.”

“Uh, aight,” says Puck. “Kinda jank that you’re willing to just break up Roz and my emotional, mature discussion filled with super intriguing stuff, but I’m not gonna question your motives.”

Roz begins to walk out the door, but Puck screams, “Wait, Roz! Check it out.” He points to a fish tank on the table next to the bed, which houses an irate-looking piranha. “This is Versace 2.0! He’s my new buddy! He’s SUPER friendly, too! I swear, if you feed him anything, he’ll just go wild!”

“Including human flesh. Yeah, I learned that one the hard way,” mutters Casey.

“Great,” says Roz flatly. “Alrighty, well, I better get out so I can see the other contestants and so you guys can get back to your canoodling. Bye!” She leaves the room.

“Okay, uh, where were we? Sorry for leaving for so long, Case, but it was so intense! It was like I was surfing on a brown tsunami!” says Puck.

“Ew, gross! Too much information, dude,” says Casey. Puck shrugs, and Casey stares at him for a second before the two begin passionately making out.

The scene then changes to a small gathering of contestants outside, sitting on lawn chairs and sipping on various beverages. Elena is seen sunbathing, while PJ is sitting silently, Kavren is playing with a bendy straw in his cup, and Trick is listening to music with an annoyed expression.

“Don’t worry, Mr. Straw,” says Kavren to the straw he is playing with. “Soon you’ll be reunited with your good buddy, Arthur. Yes, I miss the guy too. He may be big ‘n’ hefty, but he’s a great dude.”

“Ugh, Kavren, can you stop talking? I’m trying to get my beauty sleep,” says Elena.

Elena is shown in the confessional. “Am I angry that I got out so early and never got to showcase my superiority over Chelsey OR my perfect showmance with Trey? Yes and no. For one, I now get to munch on low-cal snacks while browsing all my favorite social media sites, which is really fun. But on the other hand, I have to spend time with these LOSERS. Ugh. They make Chelsey look like the epitome of popularity and style.” She pauses for a moment, then starts cackling loudly.

“You seem salty,” says Trick. “Just get over it. I got over it the second I realized that the people on my team had no idea what a good strategy to win this game was, instead focusing on how to be as annoying as possible.”

“Boy, am I glad I wasn’t on your team,” says Kavren. “I don’t think I coulda taken another season of your bloopnanigans.”

“MINE? What did I do except perform some rad skating moves and hang with Cammy?” says Trick. “While you and your banana suit made me want to vomit profusely.”

“Are you trying to roast me, d00d? It’s not working. I could roast you worse than Elena when she goes tanning in the summer,” says Kavren.

“Kavren, don’t even START with me. You don’t want the gloves to come off,” growls Elena, and PJ gives her a suspicious glance.

PJ says in the confessional, “...”

“Anyway, I’m totally cool with getting out early,” says Kavren. “Well, not TOTALLY cool, but overwhelmingly cool. It’s like a 75% coolness ratio. I already got to the end in Rev, what more could a dude ask for? Oh, yeah… a stable relationship.”

Roz suddenly pops out of the bushes. “Wait, what?! Kavren, you DON’T have a stable relationship? Tell me more!”

“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” says Elena. “Abbey dumped him because he was gross. Do you even have to ask?”

“Well, that’s a lolzy question…” says Kavren, beginning to sweat. “Yeah, Abbey and I did break up. She dumped me over text. Don’t worry, though, it was totes amicable. It was still… well, it still psychologically ruined me for like 2 weeks, but she’s in a better place now.”

“She died?” asks PJ quietly.

“Uh, no, she’s in college,” says Kavren.

“Aww, that really makes me feel for ya,” says Roz. “I mean, I’d feel more for ya if I had real emotions, but… You catch my drift. Wait, speaking of psychologically ruining teen boys, what’s Tolky up to? Is he even alive?”

“Yeah, he’s been in his room ever since he got here, pretty much,” says Kavren. “I keep asking the guy if he wants to come out and LARP with me, or look at crude pictures on the Internet, or anything. But he’s never willing to do it. The guy is pretty frunked up. Sometimes I hear faint sobbing through the walls.”

“That’s… uh, worrying,” says Roz. “I’m gonna go check on him. See you guys later! Try not to brutally maim each other or anything. Believe me, I SAW how fierce your conversation was getting. Bai!”

Tolkien is then seen alone in one of the hotel rooms, lying on his bed silently while shuffling his Luncheons & Laggins cards and listening to faint music that sounds like a gentle British man bleating.

He faces the camera, and starts to talk. “You know, I’ve had a weird time here. First of all, I was third out, and I totally thought Roz liked me after Tokyo was over, because why would she not? She even told me that she did, right to my face and everything. But then she just ignored me and I just acted super awkward and everything, and screwed it all up. Then right after I got out, I saw that she had a BOYFRIEND? That whole time? Wait, what? Man, I just don’t even know anymore. You know it’s getting desperate when I downloaded Timber a week ago. Aw, man.”

A muffled voice behind the camera is heard speaking. “Can we move this to the confessional? I’m getting tired of your voice.” Tolkien then blushes.

Shortly after, the camera cuts to Tolkien in the confessional. “Yeah, so I downloaded Timber… I’ve been getting a few matches, and some of the girls seem really cool, but I bet they don’t know how nerdy I am, and I bet none of them are nerdy themselves. I mean, do you think any of them have even HEARD of the Black Mage? Probably not. But that one with the curly blonde hair, oh man, she was so cute… What am I saying? We didn’t even match.”

Roz carefully opens the door, then walks in. “Uh, Tolky? Hey. Just wanted to check on ya.”

“Oh hey, Roz,” he says. “Long time… no see, am I right? Heh-heh. How are you doing? Making out with any more dudes?”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” says Roz. “Okay, man, I have a few things to explain. Mind listening? I promise, it hopefully won’t make me look like Satan or anything.”

“You know, what do I have to lose at this point?” says Tolkien gloomily.

All right. Thanks, man,” says Roz. “So here’s the thing. You and I… I just don’t think we’re compatible relationship-wise, y’know? You seem to be the type to fall super hard super fast for a bunch of different girls, and meanwhile I’m more of a heat-of-the-moment type of gal. That explains why I was with Red, remember him? He’s a horrible human being, and also REALLY bad at driving to Mickey D’s, but we met one night at a club and things escalated… very quickly. I don’t really like to pin myself down to one exclusive relationship, do you get that? I’m more of a free spirit.”

“Wait, so you’re saying you want something casual with me then? Because I wouldn’t mi--” begins Tolkien.

“Well…” says Roz, awkwardly pausing. “We can still be friends? Yeah, platonic friends.”

“...Oh, okay,” says Tolkien dejectedly. “I guess that’s fine, and stuff.”

“You know, Ari is still really into you!” says Roz. “I promise. She and I are still super good buddies. We text all the time, and she was kinda bummed that you were so into me this season. Maybe give the chick another chance or something? That’d be rad.”

“Whoa, seriously? That’s awesome! I’ll play it by ear and see how things go,” says Tolkien. “Thanks, Roz, really. I… I hope you have a good rest of your day, then.”

“No problem, dude! Always happy to help a buddy out,” says Roz. “Or, y’know, you could go for Trick instead!” She guffaws loudly, then closes the door.

“Well, that was… an experience,” says Tolkien to himself. “I’m gonna go check out what Kavren’s doing. The dude has to be lonely, and Kavren being lonely is… never a good thing. He usually ends up doing something illegal to cure his boredom.”

He walks out of the room, and to his surprise, Kavren is standing right outside the door. “What?!” Tolkien says, jumping back in horror. “Were you eavesdropping?”

“...Maybe,” says Kavren coyly, trying to hold in his laughter but failing and eventually laughing in Tolkien’s face.

“Whatever,” says Tolkien. “Wanna go eat some of those leftover burritos downstairs? Then we can go back to my room and play Clash of Legends.”

“Whoooa, you’re finally being enthusiastic!” says Kavren. “Didn’t you see what happened to Puck? Those ‘rritos are bad news, but I’m down for a little excitement. Let’s do it.” The two boys fist-bump, then walk downstairs.

In another room, Nic, Devin, and Gary are seen, all hanging out together and looking at Gary’s laptop.

“Gary, you have been showing us rare Pepes for the past three hours,” says Nic, who has his accordion strapped around his chest. “Can’t you let me be free? I must go back to my accordion practice.”

“Yo, dawg, you so trash at the ‘ccordion, you busted mah eardrums open,” says Devin. “We’d be bettah off listenin’ to m’ new mixtape. Though it’d prob burn down th’ whole place, and I wouldn’t want that, G.”

“Aw, come on,” says Gary. “We’re only 321 in, and there are 1,252 in total! Or should I just take a hiatus and we can come back to it tomorrow?”

“Or nevah?” says Devin. “Yo, Gary, let’s just work on that track I was writin’ called ‘Me N My Boiz.’ It can feature guest vocals from y’ guys, if y’ want.”

“I am not a rap connoisseur,” says Nic. “I much prefer flamenco music myself, though I am sure you knew that. Anyway, I am going to go to the bathroom, where the atmosphere is much better than this room.”

Nic walks into the bathroom, and gives a confessional. “I cannot believe that THREE WOMEN kissed me this season. Count that. Three! Oh, and… well, one man. Thank you for that, Alex. But I’m almost at Al’s level, man! I could not have done it without some divine intervention. Plus, thinking about my recent luck in my romantic exploits has weakened the pain of that rat Trey still being alive in the competition. Hopefully his freakout at the beautiful Chelsey will expose his true colors, heh-heh.”

“What’s up with him, man?” says Gary. “He was totally cool in-game. Maybe once Arthur gets here, that’ll lighten the mood.”

“Y’know, G, he only cares ‘bout the ladies,” Devin says. “An’ while I do like a good Sheila m’self, it be all he thinks ‘bout. We just nerds to him, yo.”

“Nerds? I wear that title like a badge of honor, so the joke’s on him!” says Gary. “But see, maybe it’s because we were just bit characters this season. You were out like fourth, and my debut was almost entirely pointless, man. It stinks.”

“Y’know, it ain’t wise to jus’ keep runnin’ through the season with your woes. Y’ gotta learn to forget these things, it makes y’ grow as a person, homie,” says Devin.

“Thanks for the advice, dude! Never knew you could be that philosophical,” says Gary.

“Yeah, bruh, m’ advice-givin’ skills are on fleek,” says Devin.

“Good to hear,” says Gary. “All right, where were we with the Pepes? Number 321? Okay, what’s nex-- OH GOD I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE THAT! Okay, moving on! You know, let’s just listen to your mixtape, I guess.”

“That’s th’ spirit,” says Devin. He presses a button on his phone, and an absolutely horrible beat with Devin’s voice rapping in the background starts blaring. Gary’s face gradually turns to an expression of pure horror once he realizes what he has done.

Roz is then shown in what looks like the kitchen, staring at a laptop. “Okay, she should be on any minute…” she mutters to herself.

Seconds later, Layla’s face pops up on a video chat feature on the screen. She seems to be wearing sunglasses and a bikini, and looks to be in a tropical area. A shirtless Charles, wearing swimming trunks, can be seen fumbling around in the background.

“Like, hey!” says Layla. “Thanks for calling me and everything. Living in the lap of luxury here in Tahiti sure does boring when nobody except Charles talks to me. Oh, wait, it doesn’t, haha. But still, how’s it going?”

“It’s goin’, that’s for sure!” says Roz. “So, you’re in Tahiti now? Uh, how’d you manage that?”

“Simple, really. A combination of my Tokyo money, which is of course now Charles’s, daddy’s bucks, and my general awesomeness,” says Layla. “Sadly, it’s only a vacation, and they’re making me come back for that dumb finale thing. But I am just LOVING life right now!”

“Awwww, I’m glad!” says Roz. “We finalists built a pretty strong bond, am I right? Good to see you’re at least enjoying yourself.”

“Ha, yeah, of course I’m enjoying myself, why wouldn’t I be?” says Layla. “Also, I really haven’t been paying attention to the season now that I’m gone. It’s not like I have better things to do, it’s just… wait, I actually do have better things to do. Whoops. Don’t tell me Chelsey is still in, ugh, is she?”

“She… actually is,” says Roz. “But now that she’s got the curse of your disapproval, she’ll be out next! Hahahahahaha! I’m just kidding, obv.”

“You better not be kidding,” scoffs Layla. “I can take executive measures to ensure she’s gone next. But you know, my life is also really great right now, and I don’t want anyone to come after me. Maybe I’ll chill here for a while, then. Sound good, Charles?”

“Wha?” says Charles off-screen. He then stumbles to the camera. “Salutations, Roz! I am enjoying myself here as well. The beach is very beautiful, as are the women. Oh, Layla, the one who was massaging me last night… She’s a vixen, that one.”

“Oh my god Charles, you can’t just say that kind of stuff on air,” says Layla.

Charles shakes his head and waggles a finger. “Do not fret, Layla, for we have not yet engaged in coitus. It was just a deep, meaningful conversation.”

“Ha! That’s the Charlie I know and love!” says Roz. “Did you enjoy making an appearance on the show, man?”

“Of course I did,” says Charles. “It was nice to dispense my usual wisdom and meet some of Layla’s new acquaintances. A very pleasant experience, all in all, even if that Gail woman had some problems…”

“Oh ew, she was the worst. I mean,” begins Layla, before an off-screen timer beeps and she glances to the side in shock. “Oh no, I’m going to be late for my manicure. This is NOT good, I paid big bucks for this appointment and my nails are totally getting dry. Okay, it was great to see you, Roz -- er, or talk to you! Bye!” She sprints away, leaving Charles alone in front of the camera.

“Now, I should probably shut this off, right?” inquires Charles. “Unless, of course, you wish to discuss the finer techniques of grilling halibut. I have taken up a ‘chef’ role as of late.”

“Yeeeeaaah, you know, I’d love to, but I have places to go, people to interview,” says Roz. “Pleasure seeing you though!”

Charles waves goodbye, and Roz turns off the computer. “What a guy,” she mutters happily to herself.

The camera quickly flashes to Helga, who is walking through the hallway with a book in her hand, naturally. She approaches the bathroom, and right as she is about to walk in, she is interrupted by Puck jumping at her out of nowhere. “Howdy hey!” he exclaims.

“Oh, great,” says Helga, rolling her eyes. “What do you want now?”

“Hey, Helga!” says Puck enthusiastically. “I’ve been schtupping with Casey for like an hour, but that makes my joints kinda tired! Gotta get out and walk around, get the blood pumpin’ a little, you know? I wanted to have a convo with you about Wolfie, too!”

“Well, all right,” says Helga. “But don’t expect me to divulge too much information. All you need to know is that Wolfgang and I are definitely still a thing. Or at least, I really hope we are and it wasn’t just a one-time thing.”

“Hey, don’t worry! I thought Case and I would just be a one-time thing because she still liked that Thomas guy, but now we have a super healthy relationship,” says Puck.

“Healthy? I probably wouldn’t use that specific word, but if you insist,” says Helga. “Anyway, is your cranium still thick enough where you don’t think Wolfgang has any issues with you?”

“Oh, I know the guy has issues with me,” says Puck. “After all, he DID throw Versace into the road… Aw man, I still haven’t gotten over that! So many tears. But you know, I have no room for negativity in my life, and I know he’ll like me someday. People aren’t that one-dimensional, dawg.”

“I have a sneaking suspicion that…” says Helga. “You know what? Never mind. I’ll let you believe that, actually. Ignorance is bliss, I suppose.”

Puck pauses for a second, takes out his phone, presses some buttons, then puts it back in his pocket, all while Helga stands next to him awkwardly. “Soooo, how was the kiss?” he blurts out.

“What?! How do you--” begins Helga, before coming to the epiphany that she is competing on a television show broadcasted to the general public. “It was all right. A pretty pleasant experience, really. Better than most of the dreck that I experience on this show.”

“Aw, that warms my heart,” says Puck. “Hey, maybe after the show, if you and Wolfie become… you know, serious, you two can go on a double date with Casey and I to a fancy-schmancy restaurant like Burrito King!”

“Wow, I’d love that,” says Helga flatly. “Okay, I have to go to the bathroom. Thanks for that, er, conversation. I hope you don’t have a completely terrible day.” She walks into the bathroom, leaving Puck by himself in the hallway.

Helga says in the confessional, “Does being romantically involved with Wolfgang mean I’d have to suffer through interacting with Puck every day? If so, that’s a strike against him. But seriously, as nauseating as this sounds, the guy is all I think about. Well, maybe 75% of what I think about. Point is, I seriously didn’t ever think this would happen. I figured I’d have more of a chance with the fictional protagonist of the book I’m reading than with any real, living human being. But it’s nice, I mean, I’m not complaining.”

Puck says in the confessional, “Wow, Helga’s a super nice girl! Perfect for Wolfie. Of course, I doubt she’s capable of having the deep conversations that Casey and I have about our favorite types of cole slaw and why Chelsey is apparently the most inspiring human being alive, but y’know, everyone has their flaws.”

Roz is then shown in the lobby with all of the eliminated contestants, minus Arthur, Julia, and Layla, and plus Casey, sitting around her. Alex is still sound asleep, and Puck has Versace 2.0’s fish bowl carefully resting in his lap.

“Hey, so I got some ‘advice’ from the producers and they said we should actually have some structure to this episode, so guess what we’re gonna do?!” asks Roz faux-enthusiastically.

“Sleep?” says Alex, waking up for a split second.

“Well, you do you, man,” says Roz. “But nope! We’re going to hold an open forum about the four remaining contestants left in the game and who you guys are rooting for to take home the two million!”

“Is ‘none of them’ a possible answer? Because, like, that’s my answer,” says Elena. “They’re all trash. I should know. Hey, can one of the interns get me a margarita? I’m tharsty.”

“How could you SAY that?!” says Casey angrily. “Wait, just kidding. Your extreme hatred of Chelsey most likely comes from the fact that you’re jealous of her much prettier hair.”

“Girl, I don’t think you should be saying anything about pretty hair, considering your gross mane looks like a cat vomited up a giant orange hairball,” says Elena.

Roz clears her throat loudly. “Guys, we can leave the roasts for later. Right now I’m really fixin’ for some discussion. Okay, who should we start with first? Trey? Yeah, let’s do that.”

After a few seconds of silence, Nic breaks it up by laughing loudly and obnoxiously. “Oh, I am sorry,” he says. “I am just thinking about how pathetic that man is. Wouldn’t it just be hilarious if he won?”

“Yeah, I have to agree with Nic here,” says Chrissy. “Trey’s pretty lame. Does anyone really believe his tall tales anymore?”

“You agree with me? YES!” says Nic. “Okay, where should we have our honeymoon? Personally, I would enjoy riding bulls into the Pamplona sunset… Wait, why am I thinking out loud?”

“I don’t believe his tall tales,” says PJ quietly. “And trust me, I know these things.”

“Hey, if PJ even believes it, then that’s just even more confirmation that Trey is a nutcase,” says Gary.

“Oooh, I am in agreeance,” says Kavren. “He’s, like, the second lamest guy in this cast, after Trick.”

“HEY!” yells Trick in offense. “I’m right here!”

Estrella then decides to speak up, after lurking in the corner for most of the conversation. “It’s pointless to try and compare the two. That’s like deciding what you’d rather have, gonorrhea or the bubonic plague.”

“Estrella, come on, I thought we were… at least friendly or something,” says Trick. “Aren’t you best friends with Cammy?”

“Well, yes, but that doesn’t mean I come with automatic approval of whichever guy she’s fooling around with,” says Estrella. “Sorry, man.”

“Okay, well, obviously my presence is not appreciated here, so I’m going to go take a shower,” says Trick, before stomping off-screen in a huff.

“Wow, can someone say immature?” mutters Ori.

After a pause, MacKenzie shockingly interjects into the conversation. “Who all is in support of Flora? I know I am! I really want her to take home the cash. She’s the most deserving.”

“Yeah, Flora is the greatest,” says Veronica. “I was super skeptical at first, but wow, out of the Chicks Against Boringness, she may have even beaten me in terms of most character development. Props to her.”

“Oh, Veronica, she may have beaten you in that, but from my perspective, you are just a tad bit better as a kisser,” says Nic.

“Uhh…” says Veronica, seemingly at a loss for words. “Thanks, Nic.”

“Yo, I had no thots fo’ Flora at th’ beginning, but she really be impressin’ me wit’ her challenges an’ such,” says Devin. “Props.”

“Urghhh, that girl just grinds my gears SO much!” says Casey.

“Wait, I thought you had no issues with Flora? She’s super chill, man,” says Puck. “Brrrr.”

“Oh, of COURSE I have issues with Flora. Have you seen the past few episodes? Chelsey and her have been going at it SO hard, and I am obviously hashtag Team Chelsey,” says Casey. “I’m disappointed in you, Corny.”

“Aw, man, what gives? I’ve barely been paying attention to any non-Wolfie scenes,” says Puck. “He’s all I gotta pay attention to.”

“That’s a good point, actually!” says Gary. “To me, it’s between Wolfgang and Flora for who has the winner’s edit. Wolfgang started out rough, but has been gradually becoming nicer, while Flora started out super under-the-radar but has now broken out and is turning into a fan fave. Of course, Flora could also be the robbed fourth placer. It’s hard to tell.”

“What about Chelsey? She could literally stand to the side, not say anything, and just exist, and she’d still have the winner’s edit in MY heart,” says Casey.

“Oh, Chelsey is the late-game villainess, obviously,” says Gary. “Though those have won before! Just look at Layla. Sometimes, my analysis fails, since we’ve got some pretty weird seasons! Either way, though, Trey has no chance, it’s written in the edit.”

“Now that’s what I like to hear!” says a booming, familiar voice. The contestants look to the doorway, and sure enough, a newly arrived Arthur and Julia are standing there.

“Welp, we’re here,” says Julia. “I really hope we didn’t miss the entire episode. But if we did, it’s this guy’s fault, he made us stop at Mickey D’s. Ugh.”

“Hey, look who it is!” says Chrissy. “Glad to see you back. And before you ask, Arthur, I’m definitely not talking about you.”

“Rats,” says Arthur. “Ah, well. I am pleased with how I performed in this season. It was a very enjoyable time, filled with action, romance, drama, and general shenanigans.”

“Hey, look who it is!” says Kavren loudly. “Glad to see you back. And before you ask, Julia, I’m definitely not talking about you. HAHAHAHAHA!”

“The King of Komedy, everyone,” says Helga.

“Okay, guys, we’re running low on time,” says Roz frantically. “We gotta discuss Wolfgang and Chelsey rapid-fire! Though, thanks to… certain contestants, it’s not like we haven’t already significantly discussed them enough.”

“Oh, sorry, Roz,” says Tolkien. “Personally, I’m kinda impressed with Wolfgang. I thought he was just a giant dick, but sometimes he reminds me of me, or a much more outwardly aggressive version of me. And I really like that.”

“Heh, Tolkien, that’s what I like to hear! Oh, Wolfie. What a guy,” says Puck.

“But you’re still going to wear the ‘Team Chelsey’ shirt that I made for you custom to fit your squat, penguin-shaped body, RIGHT?” says Casey. Puck nods frantically, and Casey kisses him on the cheek.

“Mm, yes, Wolfgang and I bonded very well,” says Nic. “I will never forget our guy time in that cave. Oh, memories. But Chelsey is also quite attractive, and a great villainess! She would make Heather proud. So, it is a tough decision. Maybe I’ll just root for Flora.”

“Awesome! We need more members in the Flora fan club,” says Veronica, and Nic winks at her.

“Personally, I don’t really like anyone left,” says Julia. “Not that that’s surprising, but just… disappointing. I would’ve preferred to see one of my girls take home the million.”

“You know, I would’ve too,” says Chrissy. “Kind of infuriating, isn’t it? Ah, well. I’ve taken up pilates to release my stress. Julia, you should come work out with me one of these days.”

“Oh yes! Pilates! A perfect way to get nice and sweaty!” says Arthur, and Julia stares at him.

“...Well, I feel like that’s a perfect time to end the episode!” blurts out Roz. “Did you enjoy seeing these has-beens chat it up for a while?” After she says this, some annoyed grumbling is heard from the peanut gallery. “Either way, be sure to tune in next time for a super exciting final four challenge, right here on Total… Drama… Superstar Showdown!”

Chapter 20 - Trivial Dispute

“Last time on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown,” begins Roz, signing in the episode. “We went to go visit the losers, and they were up to some interesting things! Highlights include Ori trying to get rid of every trace of his embarrassing presence on this season, Nic flirting with every girl in the house as usual, Puck and Casey - who’s still hanging out with the contestants for some reason - erm, getting it on, and Puck later talking to Helga about her new bae, Wolfgang! Oh, and I had a really awkward conversation with Tolky, and uh, if you’re listening to this, I’m sorry again, bro. I swear. We can talk in a more intimate, private setting after the season where there aren’t cameras filming us every day, I promise. And we also visited Layla via online video chat! She’s partying it up with Charles on some tropical island and couldn’t care less about us. I miss that chica. But anyway, we discussed each remaining contestant’s chances of winning, and it’s gonna be a doozy, I can tell y’all that! So I think we should probably get back to the actual contestants, as it’s been a while. What will I pull out of my ass today? Find out today on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown!”

The camera pans to inside the house, where there’s a tense mood permeating the air - all four remaining contestants are sitting by themselves and ignoring each other completely, with Wolfgang listening to loud music and banging his head enthusiastically, Trey in a corner curled up in the fetal position, Chelsey sitting on the couch and scowling, and Flora drawing a flower in a notebook.

Chelsey is shown in the confessional. “I am STEAMING. I can’t believe that little weasel, Trey, had the audacity to lie to me for weeks about being gay! And he thinks he was just using me too?! I can’t comprehend how delusional a person must be to think that they had someone wrapped around their little finger like that! Okay, so now I’m in a pickle because everyone left hates me, except Wolfgang, but he still probably does because he hates everyone. Am I supposed to be nice again? This is gonna be soooo tough.” She sighs helplessly.

Chelsey stands up from the couch, still scowling, and walks over to where Wolfgang is. She sits down next to Wolfgang, completely silently, and he takes out a headphone and stares at her.

“Pardon?” he says.

“Uh, yeah, hi, Wolfgang! Look, I’m… I’m sorry that our alliance kind of fell through the other day,” says Chelsey. “But the thing is, I really do like you as a human being, I promise. At least compared to… those two.”

“Hmm, Chelsey, you seem a bit more abrasive than usual. Did Trey do something to grind your gears? God, I hope so,” says Wolfgang, rubbing his hands together and grinning.

“Ugh. Yes. Wait, weren’t you there?” says Chelsey.

“No!” barks Wolfgang. “I was sleeping. After Flora and I somehow won that challenge, I had to take a 13-hour victory nap. I feel refreshed and in somewhat of a state of nirvana, so much so that not even Trey is pissing me off right now. Anyway, what’s the dealio?”

Wolfgang says in the confessional, “This is one of the first days that I’ve woken up and NOT felt completely done with everything around me. Can’t think of the last time that happened… oh, wait, it was the day after I first talked to Helga. But see, the others and I watched Roz’s thing where she talked to all the losers, and y’know, what Helga said about me really just warmed my black, shrunken, almost nonexistent heart. So I’m on cloud nine right now, and the fact that Chelsey is crawling back to me now is just the icing on the schnitzel!”

“Okay, Wolfgang. Listen up. After Trey and I lost the challenge, he just completely blew his top at me. Like, full-on steam coming out from his ears and his face turning as red as a freaking tomato. He was like, ‘blah, blah, Chelsey, you’re NOT my sidekick, and I’m not actually gay and I was just using you because I’m just as evil as I’ve always been and I needed an alliance because everyone sees that I’m a worthless nugget of turd,”” says Chelsey. She takes a deep breath. “So. Yeah. That’s how my day is going.” She smiles.

“Wait, WHAT?!” Wolfgang jumps up into the air and utters a loud, high-pitched squeal. “I WAS RIGHT?!”

“Yes! But shhh, he’s gonna hear you!” says Chelsey frantically.

“I am an oracle,” says Wolfgang. “Didn’t Arthur and I basically say the whole time that Trey was just as awful as he’s always been and this was all a poorly-put-on facade? Because we were right.”

“Wow, good job, Nostradamus,” says Chelsey flatly. “But whatever. From now on, I’m sticking by your side. We have to get that guy out if it’s the last thing we do.”

Wolfgang scratches his head for a moment. “Okay, I’ll do it. But just because I’ve wanted to get the guy out for eons. There’s only one problem, though. What’re we doing with Flora?”

“Oh,” says Chelsey. “Screw her. She’s pretty much just as bad.”

“Aww, what? I love Flora!” says Wolfgang. “I mean… she’s all right, I guess. I don’t really ‘love’ anyone. Love is overrated.”

“Ew, what?!” says Chelsey. “You love Flora? You do know that’s just enabling her, right? All this love she’s getting is the REASON she’s #1 on the popularity polls, and if we don’t stop her soon, she’s probably going to become the next president or something. Ugh. She wouldn’t even be GOOD. What would her policy consist of? Providing a free unicorn for every household? I’m done with her.” Wolfgang stares at Chelsey intensely, then just resigns and shakes his head.

Wolfgang says in the confessional, “Chelsey needs to cool her jets. She has to accept that she has a subpar personality, and THAT’s why she’s not winning those darn polls. Meanwhile, Flora is actually… well, nice to everyone. It’s almost disconcerting, but you know, she’s just a good person. And I like that.”

Trey, still in the fetal position, slowly rises from the ground, stretches weakly, and staggers over to Flora. “Hi…” he says.

“Hey, Trey! How was your morning? It looked like you were getting a really good night’s sleep over there,” says Flora, gesturing to the corner.

“Oh, yeah, it was fine,” says Trey, sounding mildly annoyed. “You know, Flora, have I ever told you how good of an ally you are? I’m glad you’re around.” He grins evilly to the camera.

“Wow, thanks, Trey!” says Flora. “I really like you too. Did you eat something weird last night? Like broccoli or something? Your voice sounds a little hoarser than usual.”

“No, ugh, I’m fine,” says Trey. “I mean… Don’t worry about it… Plus, I actually like broccoli a lot… Strengthens your bones…”

“Okay, good!” says Flora. “Because if you did eat something weird, I came prepared.” She reaches into her pocket and takes out a jar of what looks like gummy vitamins. “These taste really good! Plus they’re shaped like ponies. My doctor says to only eat one a day, but they’re so addicting that sometimes I eat three or four. Nothing ever happens!”

“Wow, you’re a daredevil…” says Trey. “I’m impressed…”

“You should be! Look,” says Flora. She screws open the jar, takes out a vitamin, and pops it into her mouth. “Oh, these are my favorite. Grape flavor! One of my life mottos is ‘Grape is Great.’”

“Personally, I’m not really a fan of grapes… Too spherical, and sometimes I choke on them and start sobbing…” says Trey.

There is a long pause. “Oh,” says Flora. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine… I really like eggplants, though… They’re long and hard, but also taste very good and tender…” says Trey. He pauses for another second, and then snaps. “Okay, enough about fruits and veggies. We’re getting CHELSEY out tonight.”

“Chelsey? Aw, man, I don’t know if that’s the best way to solve our predicament,” says Flora. “I really think she still hates me because of that silly popularity poll thing. I think she needs to realize that if she really wants to do well in the polls, she should be nice.”

“Yeah, whatever… She’s still a threat to your success in the popularity polls,” says Trey. “So obviously the only solution is to GET HER OUT.”

Flora is shown in the confessional, frowning slightly. “Aw, see, Trey is being kind of a meanie right now. Really pushy and abrasive. I like him a lot, he’s a really cool guy, but I think he woke up on the wrong side of the bed right now. Or… the floor.”

Trey says in the confessional, “AUGH! Am I done for in this game? Is there any way I can even succeed?! I can’t keep letting my emotions get the better of me. But Chelsey needed to know that she is absolutely dead to me. If I can only get Wolfgang to vote her out with me, I will be golden, but alas, I don’t think it’s possible right now. I guess I’ll just continue brainwashing Flora.”

The contestants walk outside to see Roz and Chef Hatchet standing at a station, presumably for the challenge. A couple of long logs are arranged in a semicircle in front of the two, with a table and a large meter depicting each of the four contestants’ faces on it right behind Roz and Chef.

“Welcome, everyone! Sit down and shut up, and we will explain!” says Chef gruffly.

“Can we, like, not even have a challenge today and just vote HIM out instead?” Chelsey says, staring down Trey intensely.

“Uh, I guess, as long as you can come to a majority consensus,” shrugs Roz.

“ROZ?! Wha?! You ain’t supposed to do that! Ruins all th’ drama!” yells Chef.

“To be honest, Cheffy, I’m not feelin’ it today,” says Roz. “Like, seriously, this challenge is bottom-of-the-barrel. A kindergartner could’ve come up with this. Actually, I’m pretty sure a kindergartner DID come up with this.”

“Alrigh’, fine,” grumbles Chef. “Wolfgang? Flora? Trey? Do you approve?”

“I mean, it’d be out-of-character of me to say no, so yes,” says Wolfgang. “Let’s get this guy out once and for all.”

Flora says in the confessional, “Oh no! Wolfgang wants to get Trey out? But they’re my two only friends here! I can’t let my friends fight with each other. Do you think they would mind sitting down and calmly talking to me about their deepest problems? That’s what my mom would always make my siblings and I do every time we fought. I really hope so…”

Chelsey and Wolfgang intensely stare at Flora, who gulps and bites her lip. After a long pause, she says, “I don’t think this is the best way to solve the situation… I think we should just do the challenge fair and square! I’m sorry!” She then lets out a small yelp.

“Ugh! I should’ve known!” growls Chelsey. “Okay, fine, let’s just get this challenge over with already.”

“Wait, I didn’t ask Trey if he was in favor of votin’ himself out yet!” protests Chef.

“Think realistically, Chef,” says Chelsey flatly. “We need to start.”

“Yeah, no, Chelsey. I’m not here for you and your transparent schemes to get me out,” says Trey slightly aggressively. “Now come on, Flora, let’s win this challenge together in the name of…” He winces a bit. “Teamwork… and… f-f-friendship. Yeah.” He makes a disfigured smile.

“Okay, fine, enough lollygagging!” says Roz. “Let’s just do this so I can go home and get a manicure before our big finale. I need to look hoooot on live TV.” Chef stares at her. “Yes, Chef, I KNOW we’re already on live TV. Wait, this isn’t live, is it? What am I even talking about?! Fine. Challenge. Go time.”

Wolfgang cracks a sly smile and reclines back. “Actually, I think you should keep talking. I could listen to this all day.”

“Wow, thanks, Wolfie, I really appreciate it,” says Roz. “So here’s the plan! Today, you four will be answering trivia about anything under the sun! Questions can range from juicy details about your fellow contestants, to determining what word is found at the top of page 239 in the dictionary. Every time one of you answers a question right,” she gestures to the large meter next to her with each contestant’s face on it, “your face will move up on the meter! First person to reach the top wins the challenge, is safe from being voted out tonight, and… that’s it. Oh, and every so often a SPECIAL question will pop up, and if you get one of those right, you’ll be able to do something special! Okay, who’s ready? Yeah, you all are.”

Wolfgang says in the confessional, “Oh, now THIS is my kind of challenge. I was on the quiz bowl team my freshman year of high school! Of course, this was back when I actually attended school regularly, and before I got kicked out for ‘aggressive behavior’ after my team lost a really, really important match. Now, as long as I win this match, no aggressive behavior will be needed.”

“QUESTION ONE!” yells Roz. “Which former Total Drama: Tiki Jungle contestant was originally planned to return for this season, before being replaced by Arthur?”

There is complete silence. Flora sits there with her usual blank, mildly happy expression, Chelsey rolls her eyes and takes out her phone, and Wolfgang stares into space with his mouth agape.

“MANTY!” yells Trey. “Way too easy. I hated that guy. We were on the same team, but he grossed me out big-time. His shoes weren’t even that cool, they were the color of vomit.”

“And Trey scores a point,” says Roz, as Trey’s face on the meter moves up about a centimeter. “I’m disappointed in the rest of ya. That was supposed to be a freebie! Never saw Tiki Jungle?”

“Roz, do you really think I’ve watched anything other than my own season?” asks Chelsey, without a hint of sarcasm in her voice.

“Yeah, same. I don’t watch TV too much,” says Wolfgang. “One night I watched 50 episodes of some rubbish on Webflicks about home improvement. Not ONE of those homes was actually improved. After that colossal letdown, I swore off TV forever.”

“What, did you want the houses to be replaced with fiery, blazing hellmouths, punctuated with the screams of dead children?” Roz says sourly.

“Yes,” says Wolfgang.

“Okay, I shouldn’t have asked, NEXT QUESTION!” Roz says abruptly. “The tapir, a large, herbivorous mammal similar in shape to a pig that is most closely related to horses, donkeys, zebras, and rhinoceri, is chiefly found in what regions of the world?”

“South America! Central America! Southeastern Asia!” shouts Wolfgang, spouting out each location rapid-fire.

“...That’s correct,” says Roz, as Chef rings a bell that makes a “ding-ding-ding” sound and Wolfgang’s face moves up the meter, slightly higher than Trey’s did.

“HEY!” yells Trey. “His face went up farther than mine!”

“I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about,” says Chef, glancing at Wolfgang’s face, which is clearly at least an inch higher than Trey’s.

“This is unfair. I demand a redo,” huffs Trey. “Or maybe I’ll just go to Attorney Land and pick up some extremely powerful lawyers, and they will SHUT DOWN this franchise for good.”

“Trey, I think you need to take a couple deep breaths and maybe count to ten,” says Flora sweetly, patting him on the back. Trey begins to shake and his face turns as white as a sheet.

Chef is shown in the confessional. “Hey, producers, if you’re watchin’ this… We didn’t rig anything.”

Roz is then shown in the confessional. “Yeah, so that might’ve been a bit of executive meddling, but who cares? Makes things more fun. Hehe.”

“Wow, Wolfgang, you’re actually doing well! I take back a lot of the things I’ve said to you, you’re a pretty fierce competitor,” says Chelsey, and Wolfgang smiles. “Like, not me-level, but maybe 25% of me-level.” Wolfgang’s smile immediately disappears.

“QUESTION THREE!” yells Roz, immediately stopping the side conversations going on. “What is my favorite band?”

“Aw, come on,” grumbles Wolfgang. “That’s cheap.”

“Yeah, pssh, come on. How are we supposed to know that? Do you think any of us care about the inner workings of your mind?” Chelsey says, before snapping. “Okay, Chelsey, FOCUS. No time for rude remarks. Uh, One Erection?”

“Hahahahaha, no,” says Roz. “Maybe if I had asked you this question in 2012, but not now!”

“Music?! What is music?! Is music even real? Or is it just another PLOY created by CHELSEY to try and VOTE ME OUT?!” shouts Trey abruptly.

There is an extremely long, awkward pause, and Flora continues to pat Trey on the back. “Don’t worry, this challenge will be over soon, then we can hang out, okay?”

Chelsey says in the confessional, “Why is HE mad at ME? The guy was manipulating me this entire time. I’m just going to ignore him, because let me just say the way he’s acting right now is NOT cute and it’s definitely not going to be garnering him any sympathy. Negative 5,000 popularity points for Trey today.”

Trey says in the confessional, “My mental state is very fragile today. I am so on edge. But I… I just need to focus. Just need to win this challenge, and if not, I still have Flora on my side. I’m fine. Deep breaths, Trey. You got this.”

“None of you have answered the queeestion!” says Roz in a singsong voice.

“Favorite band, hmm…” says Wolfgang to himself. “Think weird, completely off-the-wall stuff. Like something that would only be listened to by the most deranged, angsty individuals on the planet, even past my own standards. Hmm.” He raises his voice. “Psychotic Clown Horde?”

“YES!” says Roz. “Wolfie scores another point! Ooh, Wolfie, are you a fan of theirs? Personally I prefer their older stuff, but they still have some bops, you know. We need to discuss PCH after this challenge, oooh, I’m excited.”

“I’ve actually never listened to a single song of theirs in my life,” says Wolfgang frankly.

“Hey, can the next question be about something up my alley?” Flora says sweetly. “I want to win another challenge.”

“Um, girl, of course you want to win. Who doesn’t? Do you think we’re all just sitting here, actively trying to lose?” snaps Chelsey.

“I’m sorry, Chelsey,” says Flora. “I really didn’t mean to hurt your feelings! But maybe you should stop being so sensitive!”

“OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!” yells Wolfgang. Chelsey glares at him piercingly. “What? Nothing against you, but that was savage.”

“Wow, tensions are really running high…” says Roz. “I think it’s time to introduce the SPECIAL question! If you win this question, your score will double, AND you’ll be able to take away the progress of one other contestant, bringing them back down all the way to the bottom. Boo-hoo.”

“Gee, I wonder who that’s gonna happen to…” says Trey.

“Don’t worry, Trey! If I win this question, I won’t take your score away!” says Flora.

“Good,” says Trey, leaning in to whisper to Flora. “Now, can you take away Wolfgang’s points if you win? Truth is, I hate that guy. I always have. He needs to get out, since he’s pure EVIL. And he’s also going to win the challenge if we don’t stop him!”

“But he’s my friend,” says Flora, frowning. “This is a toughie!”

“QUESTION FOUR!” announces Roz. “The third challenge that you all competed in was a Halloween-themed challenge, where each of you wore a special costume. Which contestant donned a beans and cornbread-themed costume?”

“PUCK!” yells Wolfgang.

“Nope!” says Roz.

“What?!” says Wolfgang. “I totally thought it was that loser! Who else ever said anything about beans and cornbread on this darn show?!”

“Nic,” says Trey.

“Trey, you are CORRECT! That one was a toughie, eh? You’d think ol’ Pucky would be the one to do it, just because of his fascination with everything to do with legumes and bread that tastes of corn, but nope! We like to keep y’all on your toes,” says Roz. “So, Trey, who do you want to take away from?”

“Chelsey,” sneers Trey. “She deserves it.”

“Wait, uh, Chelsey hasn’t even won a question yet,” Roz says. “So your power would effectively do nothing. Still wanna pick her?”

“Yes,” says Trey evilly. “She needs to know that I have superiority over her every move in this game.”

“But I thought you wanted Wol--” begins Flora. “Shhh!” snaps Trey.

“Okay, well…” says Roz, doing absolutely nothing to Chelsey’s face on the meter. “Chelsey stays where she is. Trey is now… still in second place!” Trey’s face moves up a very small amount once again, and is still below Wolfgang’s.

Flora says in the confessional, “I don’t really get Trey.”

A montage then plays of the contestants—or more like Wolfgang and Trey—answering questions, with Wolfgang’s head moving up much higher than Trey’s head each time. Finally, the two seem to be virtually tied right near the top, while Chelsey and Flora are completely zoned out of the challenge.

“Wolfgang!” pleads Trey. “Please let me win! I… I promise that I won’t vote for you and that I’ll work with you to vote Chelsey out!”

“Wha?!” says Wolfgang. “Aw, come on, why should I trust you in any way?”

“Because I’m obviously a better person than Chelsey since I didn’t LIE TO HER FACE!” Trey begins.

“Um, what are you talking about? You definitely did,” pipes in Chelsey. “I’m done with your tall tales.”

“Yeah, Trey, what the heck? Dude, you’re definitely not the victim here,” says Wolfgang.

“Guys, can’t we just calm down and try to finish this challenge?” says Flora.

“Hmm, all right,” says Wolfgang, backing down. “Yeah, I’m with Flora on this one.”

“B-b-but…” says Trey.

Trey is shown in the confessional. “It was right then when I realized that Wolfgang winning the challenge was not an obstacle to me. And I had an epiphany. Wolfgang is unlikable, Chelsey is unlikable. If I take either to the end, I will EASILY win. The real threat to this game is…” He leans in disturbingly close to the camera. “Flora.”

Trey’s expression suddenly changes from desperate to strangely confident. “All right, Wolfgang, go for it,” he says.

“...Huh,” shrugs Wolfgang. “Fine, I guess. Roz, question?”

“FINAL QUESTION!” says Roz. “Wolfie, you can win it right here, and you honestly probably will.” There is a pause, and a drum roll. “What is my full name?”

Wolfgang’s face suddenly turns red and he begins to sweat. “Uh… Roz… Okay, yeah, Roz has to be short for something… Rosetta? Rosalyn? Rosalind?”

“I don’t mean just my first name, silly, you need my first, middle, AND last name!” says Roz gleefully.

Wolfgang stares at Chelsey, who is sitting down and staring at the screen of her phone, texting. He pounces onto Chelsey’s lap and grabs her phone, and she yowls in response. “Hey, I was in the middle of a SUPER important Timber conversation!”

“Shhh, I just gotta go on Nickipedia for this one quick second!” says Wolfgang, frantically typing into the phone’s keyboard. “GOT IT! Total Drama contestant and host Roz’s full name is… Rosalind Marie St. Vincent Grenadina Santa Monica Boris Archer.” He takes a deep breath. “Phew.”

“I’m not gonna grill you for using Nickipedia to cheat because frankly I’m tired of this challenge so WOLFGANG WINS!” says Roz, and everyone is silent. “As for the rest of ya, get ready to vote someone out!”

The four remaining contestants make their way back to the campground, and while on their way, Trey slides up next to Wolfgang.

“Hey, if you want to ensure that you can win in the finale... “ he whispers. “Vote for Flora.” Wolfgang jumps at the mere suggestion.

The scene changes to the cabin, where the sun is setting. Flora is sitting in a chair with her typical blank expression on, and Wolfgang walks up to her.

“Hey,” he says. “Listen. I know you really like Trey and all, and I know you think he’s super nice to you, but I swear, you can’t be that dense to not realize that he’s completely using you and is actually probably going to vote you out tonight.”

“...What?!” says Flora, pouting. “No way! I thought Trey and I were gonna get to the final two together! At least, that’s what he told me…”

“I swear, the guy has said that to all of us at separate times. He’s using you, he’s using me, he’s using ALL OF US! What even goes on in his grey, shriveled brain?!”

“Wolfgang, I think everyone’s brain is grey and shriveled,” says Flora.

“Okay, fine, you get the idea. Hey, if you, Chelsey, and I all vote Trey, I think we’ll be set, okay?” says Wolfgang. “Seriously, I can’t thank you enough, Flora. Like, I’m being completely sincere right now. You… You’re a gem.”

“Wow, thanks…?” says Flora sweetly. “I’m gonna go take a shower.”

Trey then comes up to Chelsey, who is sitting on the couch watching Nebraska Shore. “Chelsey. Vote for Flora. You hate Flora, I hate Flora, she’s a threat. Done deal,” he says.

“Wait, what do I hear now? Someone’s crawling back to me, eh? Hmm…” says Chelsey.

“Come on. Just do it. It’s all I can ask this late in the game. My mental state has completely unraveled,” says Trey.

The camera zooms into his face very closely, where his eyes are bloodshot, a small, wispy mustache has grown, and a single tear has fallen down his cheek.

Chelsey says in the confessional, “You know, Flora actually NOT winning immunity for once is a nice little perk. But at the same time, I can’t let go of Trey’s general awfulness as a human being. So, voting for Flora would probably be a good strategy, and then I would probably rise up on the polls for being a strategic goddess… But Trey really is bad, and his hair needs some major work… My life really is hard.”

Roz meets the final four at the campfire ceremony at night, with Chef looming right behind her as usual. “Hey, everyone!” she says. “I can only imagine what went down at camp. Get ready to go cast your votes!”

Wolfgang casts his vote for Trey in the confessional, with nothing but a snort to punctuate it.

Trey, up next in the confessional, votes for Flora. “This… This really is my final battle…”

Chelsey is shown in the confessional, looking at the parchment. “Hmm, what’s going to get me the most positive screentime, that’s the real question… The polls are looking close now that it’s almost the finale.”

Flora is shown last, looking even more indecisive than Chelsey. “Oh no… This is a really hard one. I was gonna vote Chelsey with Trey, because I really did think he cared about me and wanted me to get to the end with him! And I’d totally win! But the truth is, he just hasn’t been that nice to me, even though he said he was my best friend here. And Wolfgang seems like this grumpy, rude guy but he’s really nice, and he cares about me, and I really feel respected talking to him… Like he’s not actually trying to manipulate me and really does think I’m interesting. But is it enough to vote out Trey and align myself with Chelsey? Aww…” She continues to stare at the parchment.

Back at the elimination ceremony, Roz begins. “Wolfgang, Chelsey. You two are safe!” She tosses two seashells to Wolfgang and Chelsey, who both faintly smile.

“Flora. Trey. This certainly was… an interesting vote, I’ll say. One of you, however, is ‘bout to experience their last steps on Total Drama soil. The person safe from tonight’s vote is…”


She passes Flora the final seashell, and Wolfgang smiles at her.

“I… I... “ Trey begins, opening his mouth wide and pointing a finger. “You know what? I give up. I’m… I’m just really not meant to be on this show.”

“Aw, come on, Trey!” says Roz. “You played a pretty decent game, that is, until it was revealed that you were manipulating everyone… once again. But hey, you almost got to the end!”

“I’m sorry, I need to get out of here…” says Trey. “I didn’t think anything could be WORSE than my Tiki Island exile, but you know, life throws curveballs at you. Wolfgang, you’re being strung along by Chelsey like a little puppet, which is impressive. Chelsey, you only respected me for a while because you thought I was gay, which really says a lot about your character. And Flora? You’re just a blockhead. I was playing you the whole time. Get over it.”

There is an awkward pause, and nobody says anything - not even Roz.

“That… actually felt kind of mean,” says Trey. “But I guess it’s just a game, right? Heh heh.” Nobody says anything, still. “I need to go…” He walks towards the Boat of Losers, and sails off.

While the Boat of Losers sails out into the dark ocean, Trey stares at the ground and mutters to himself. “You know, I never thought that I was going to win this thing, but I just felt… I just felt like I could make some friends or something… My life truly has been a pit of loneliness and sorrow ever since I joined this wretched show in the first place…” He pauses. “You know, maybe I should just take my brother’s advice. I’m going to have a long talk with him when I get home.”

Back on the island, Roz faces the final three. “Okay! So! You might think this episode is over and I’m gonna do the closing credits and stuff, but it’s NOT!”

“Wait… what?” says Chelsey, with one eyebrow raised.

“So you’re the final three, right? Yeah, you know that. Well, this final three is going to become a final two… tomorrow!” says Roz. “We’ve booked our finale in Revolution City, which is a good 3-400 miles away from here. And you guys are not taking any planes to get there!”

“Oh no, I don’t like the sound of this,” says Wolfgang.

“Yep! Everyone go into the cabin and pack your bags, we’re leaving tomorrow morning SHARP! Your challenge is to somehow get to Revolution City, and the last one there is a rotten egg AND they’re eliminated!” says Roz. “So get going!”

“This is gonna be such a fun adventure!” cheers Flora.

“Oh, it sure is, Flora,” says Roz, before turning to Chef and cackling maniacally. “Anyway, tune in next time for our special TWO-PART finale, where three will go to two and two will go to ONE, but not before a super big mega twist!” That’s right, we’re blazing trails here, folks. Who will prevail? Who will fail? Find out next time on Total… Drama… Superstar Showdown!”

Chapter 21 - Vulture Shock

“Last time on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown!” begins Roz, who’s standing in the middle of a massive stadium in Revolution City. “Our final four contestants competed in a trivia challenge, and things got serious when Trey went off the deep end and started yelling at… well, basically everyone. Wolfgang destroyed the challenge with his quiz bowl skills, and after Trey was revealed to be targeting Flora, the others teamed up and made him go bye-bye! I feel bad for Trey, but at the same time, I really just… don’t. Bad dude. Anyway, Chef and I took an early morning flight to Revolution City, and we’re LIVE, getting ready for the finale!”

“I hate my life,” says Chef, who’s sipping coffee while wearing a bathrobe and bunny slippers.

“And… look, our losers are here too!” Roz moves to the side and motions to the bleachers right behind her, where sure enough, the eliminated contestants are sitting.

The camera pans through the crowd, with Ori, PJ, Alex, Elena, and Trick being generally isolated, Tolkien, Kavren, Gary, Devin, Nic, and Arthur sitting together, Julia sitting on the opposite side of Arthur and with Chrissy, Estrella, Veronica, and MacKenzie, Casey and Puck in the corner, Layla and Charles right near them, and a newly-arrived Trey in the bottom right, looking like he would rather be literally anywhere else.

“Wait… Roz, where’s Helga?” asks Estrella.

“Oh! Yeah! Here’s the fun twist! Each of the final three has been assigned a rep to help them get to the finale, and these reps can help them however they want. Wolfgang has Helga, Chelsey has Casey, and Flora has…” Roz pauses. “Gail.”

Veronica gasps. “Roz, that’s totally unfair! Gail is going to try to kill Flora or something.”

“Naaaah, relax, I told Gail that if she laid a single finger on that girl she’d be put in the slammer,” says Roz. “Everything’s under control.”

“Hey, Case, whatcha doin’ for Chelsey?” says Puck, who is wearing a tight-fitting “Team Chelsey” shirt with the “Chelsey” scratched out with highlighter and replaced with “Wolfie.”

“Oh my god, she’s totally gonna love this,” says Casey. “I opened my very own online Chelsey merchandise company. Go to for Chelsey shirts, Chelsey scarves, Chelsey keychains, Chelsey bumper stickers, Chelsey action figures, Chelsey G-strings… All the fixins! All proceeds go to Chelsey’s chances of winning the popularity polls, by the way.”

“Awesome! I’m totally gonna buy me one of those!” says Puck. “Just kidding. I could never support anyone other than Wolfie. I’m bummed that I can’t be there to send him good vibrations, but I’ll do it from the sidelines, of course.”

“So Helga just abandoned us?” says Chrissy. “Great, I hope she’s alive. I can’t deal with those guys too much longer.” She points to Gary, Nic, and Arthur, who are being obnoxious.

Nic pops up behind her, to the tune of Latin music. “Oh, Chrissy… I know you crave me like a Quesarito craves salsa verde, I can see it in your eyes. But please… let’s take it slowly.” He winks.

“Do you really want to wake up tomorrow morning with no feeling in your limbs?” says Chrissy.

To prevent further commotion, Roz pops up once again. “Okay! Let’s see what the finalists are up to right now, because they’re supposed to be leaving practically this minute!”

The final three are shown in the cabin, all asleep. A large rumbling noise is heard, and suddenly a massive wrecking ball blows through the wall and demolishes the cabin, revealing an intern piloting a crane. The three wake up with a jolt.

“What was THAT for?!” yells Chelsey. “I didn’t take my 30-minute shower yet! I didn’t even get my toiletries! I am not presentable!”

“Is the apocalypse finally here?” says Wolfgang, waking up. “Aw, come on, but I’ve been such a good man… Please spare me!”

“Oh wow, that’s a big ball,” gasps Flora.

“Relax,” says the intern, a pudgy, bespectacled man. “Th’ others already grabbed your stuff and put ‘em into suitcases. They should be outside. We’re just doin’ a little bit of spring cleaning, y’know? Anyway, chop chop, time to go.”

“Okay, listen. I need a promise that we’ll get our belongings back. I have almost a thousand bucks’ worth of makeup in my toiletry bag, got it?” says Chelsey.

“Uhh…” says the intern. “Yeah, you should be fine. Whatever, just go, aight?” He then leaves.

The three reluctantly walk up to the dock and onto the conveniently parked boat, which quickly lets them on and sets off to take them to the mainland.

“Well,” says Wolfgang, as the boat sails across the lake. “I guess this is goodbye for now, huh, guys? Competing with you hasn’t been completely awful.”

“Aw, Wolfgang, why can’t we all just go to the finale together?” asks Flora. “You already know we make a great team!”

“Henny, I am NOT going to be sitting in a car with you,” says Chelsey.

“Yeah, uh…” says Wolfgang, obviously feeling bad. “Sorry, Flora, but I think at this point it should be an every-contestant-for-themselves thing. I guess we can divide and conquer, huh?”

Flora hangs her head down. “Oh… Okay, that’s fine too.”

The boat pulls up to the mainland, and Chelsey, Flora, and Wolfgang hop off it and start walking. Immediately something catches Flora’s attention and she runs to it.

“Ooh, a bike!” she says, motioning to a rickety-looking bike with a sign saying “FREE” rested at its wheels. “This’ll be great!”

“Flora, I really worry for your safety on that death trap,” says Wolfgang, examining the bike.

“Shush, Wolfgang! We need to FOCUS here! No more worrying about Flora’s well-being or anything, it’s time to put the pedal to the metal and compete,” says Chelsey.

“Okay, fine,” grumbles Wolfgang. “You know, we have to get out of here somehow. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m going to call a Püber.” He takes out his phone and dials, waiting on the line and pacing back and forth.

As soon as he walks slightly farther away, a bus pulls up. Chelsey utters a “Yes!” and gets on the bus, and it leaves in a jiffy.

“Aw, come on!” Wolfgang yells.

Wolfgang says in the confessional, “All right, well, I guess it’s down to the wire, huh? A part of my soul honestly died when I had to reject Flora and tell her I was going on my own. I mean, she’s one of the rare people I respect in this world, and she’s just like an innocent, slobbering little puppy… well, maybe without the slobber. I hope she beats Chelsey, honestly.”

Chelsey is shown at the front of the bus, nervously gazing at the passengers, who mostly seem to be elderly and asleep. She trudges to the very back of the bus, where she takes a window seat.

“Thank god,” she whispers to herself. “At least I can get some sun.”

“Attention, all passengers! We will be stopping in many different destinations on this fine morning, including--” says an intercom voice, before being drowned out as Chelsey puts her earbuds in and turns on extremely loud pop music from her phone.

Chelsey says in the confessional, “What? There’s, like, NO service up at the campground. I needed to download the twelve new Queen Bey singles I missed. Oh man, I have so much catching up to do…”

“I’m… tired,” she says weakly to herself, stretching her arms out. Despite the continued presence of the extremely loud music, Chelsey eventually finds herself falling asleep.

Flora is shown, continuing to bike through a generally isolated road and whistling to herself.

She says in the confessional, “Wow, this is really peaceful! It’s great to have such a clear, fresh state of mind. Now I’m just focusing on how to win this game, and honestly, I want Chelsey to get to the end with me because she’ll be easy to beat in a vote. I mean, nobody likes her… right? Wait, is there going to be a vote? Oh no, is it a challenge? I hope it’s not dangerous.”

As Flora continues to bike, there’s a small popping noise, and her tire then completely deflates, causing the bike to grind to a halt. Flora is hurled off the bike and into a nearby bush.

“Ow…” she says, getting out. “That was scary. And painful. Hey, what’s that?”

Flora looks a few steps ahead of her, where what looks like a small rest stop is located. “Awesome! I bet I can get my bike fixed there!”

She rushes into the rest stop and into the main lobby, where someone with long, flowing blonde hair is sitting at a desk.

Flora says in the confessional, “Oh no… I totally thought it was going to be Gail. But honestly, I think it’s worse than Gail.”

The figure rapidly turns around. “GRA-BLAGHY!” he yells, revealing himself to be none other than Smoothie Guy. “Aw, great, YOU again?”

“Oh, hello!” says Flora. “Do you have any spare tires? I’m supposed to be getting to the finale in Revolution City, but my bike broke.”

“Do you really think I sell spare tires?” asks Smoothie Guy.

“I mean, it was worth a try?” asks Flora. “Please?”

“Look, Flora. You’re probably the only contestant I don’t outright despise, but I JUST got this job, and I’m supposed to be working this front desk 24/7. Can’t let the boss see that I’ve been slacking on the job. So no, I do not have any spare tires! Begone!” yells Smoothie Guy.

“Oh…” says a disappointed Flora. “Okay, well, I guess I’ll be on my way then.”

“WAIT!” yells Smoothie Guy, just as Flora is skipping out the door. “Don’t tell anyone, but once the S.S. Crappyboatthatbreakseasily blasted into smithereens after that… shark incident, I kept some of the fragments and built new stuff out of them. I got a new ship after that, it’s called the Sloop Smoothie G. It’s my pride and joy, pretty much. But anyway, that old crap should be in the shed in the back of this rest stop. Don’t break it, or I promise you that you will not live.”

“Thank you, Smoothie Guy!” says Flora sweetly, and she leaves. A single tear wells up in the salesman’s eye, and he quickly brushes it off.

Flora rushes to the back of the building and opens the door to the tool shed. Inside is what looks like a moped, built completely out of old boat parts but somehow with functioning wheels and an engine.

“Oh my gosh!” she squeaks.

Wolfgang is shown in the exact same spot that Chelsey left him in, still waiting for his Püber.

“Ugh, this better get here soon,” he mutters to himself. “I’ve been waiting here for a good two hours. Wouldn’t be surprised if they’re both already there and I’m a dead man walking.”

An engine noise slowly becomes louder, and a black car pulls up to Wolfgang. The driver’s door opens, and the bespectacled German blonde stares face-to-face with him.

“GA-HOOEY!” yells Wolfgang, keeling over from shock.

“Wow, nice to see you too,” says Helga.

Wolfgang is shown in the confessional. “Wha?! How and why did she get here?! What do I even do at this point, do I tell her that I’ve spent every waking moment thinking about her, or do I just play it cool and completely ignore her? Or kiss her again? God, I wish I knew how to romance!”

“You-- you--” stutters Wolfgang, picking himself back up. “You’re driving the Püber?! Man, I am just so glad to see you again!”

Helga smiles a little bit. “I sure am. Now get in, we’ve got places to go, people to see. I guess.”

The camera flashes to Wolfgang sitting in the passenger seat semi-awkwardly next to Helga, who’s driving on the freeway.

“Wow, I’ve never seen someone drive that smoothly,” Wolfgang gushes. “It’s like you’re one of the thieves in my Grand Heist Locomotive game!”

“I’ve never received a compliment that wonderful,” says Helga, still with no emotion in her voice. After an awkward pause, she continues, “Hey, you know what? I’m proud of you. You’re still in the game. That’s… nice.”

“Aw yeah, isn’t it great? I am SO glad I’m still in this thing! I thought I was gonna get voted out first or something,” says Wolfgang.

“I wish I got out first. Having to spend weeks locked up with advanced minds like Kavren is a torture nobody should have to go through,” says Helga.

Wolfgang laughs extremely loudly and obnoxiously at her quip. “Ha! That was classic!”

Wolfgang says in the confessional, “Y’know, maybe I should just play it cool. Suave. Like a classy gent at a steamy ‘50s nightclub. She’ll love that… right?”

“So, I take it you saw what I said at the losers’ resort?” says Helga, continuing to drive.

“Heh, yeah,” Wolfgang says, starting to blush. “That was… nice.” There is another long pause. “You know, nobody has ever said anything like that about me. Not even my mom.”

“I would hope your mom wouldn’t confess deeply romantic love to you on national television,” says Helga with an eyebrow raised.

Helga is shown in the confessional. “You know, I don’t know what I expected him to be like upon reuniting with me, but it definitely wasn’t this. But hey, I don’t actually mind it. It’s refreshing to see that he’s built up so much of an idealization of me in his head that he’s having trouble actually carrying it out and talking to me… and it’s also kind of flattering.”

“Funny,” chuckles Wolfgang. “Also, I liked that kiss. I mean, it was pretty good.”

“Yeah, it was, wasn’t it?” says Helga, starting to faintly smile.

“Wanna… do it again?” asks Wolfgang. “I mean, not now obviously, since you’re driving and that’d probably kill us, but…”

“You know what, Wolfgang?” says Helga. “I do. It’d probably be pretty decent.” Wolfgang smiles widely at her.

“D’AWWWW!” yells Puck, back at the stadium in Revolution City where the episode is being broadcasted live on a large television. “I’m about to shed some tears!”

“Yeah, it sure would be nice to have a stable relationship right about now,” mutters Tolkien, who has dyed the tips of his hair pink.

“Dude, what’s with the hair?” asks Trick.

“Fashion statement,” says Tolkien. “You know, I wanted to look a little more unique. The shaggy brown hair look is fine and all, but I gotta stand out.”

“Well, I don’t want to say I enjoy it because I don’t,” says Trick. “But it’s not all that awful. I still don’t want it pressing up against my face when I’m sleeping.”

“Aw, can it, Trick. You know you would be slobbering like a thirsty Golden Retriever if Cammy had the exact same hairdo,” says Estrella.

“How does that have anything to do with anything?!” says Trick. “Cammy and I are dating. In a relationship.” Tolkien furrows his brow.

“Don’t worry. You’ll have so many relationships in this life, but only one or two will last,” says Estrella while smiling mysteriously.

“And that is why I’m SO glad that Charles’ and my relationship is so healthy and stable!” interjects Layla, who is getting her back massaged by Charles. “Ooh, over there. It’s really tight there. AAAAAH. Yes. That’s the stuff.”

“Layla, do not forget that after five minutes, we must switch,” says Charles. “I am old, and therefore I get even more sore.”

Roz then pops in front of the camera, at the base of the stadium with Chef. “Ooookay, let’s see how Chelsey’s doing!”

Chelsey is shown, still on the same bus and still asleep. After stirring a bit, she awakens with a jolt to see that she’s the only passenger left on the bus.

“...Oh no,” she says. “Oh no oh no oh no. This is NOT good.” She rushes up to the bus driver, a disgruntled-looking man in his early 20s who may or may not be one of the interns. “Hey, uh, where do I get off for Revolution City?”

“Rev City? Heh, we passed that stop two hours ago,” the driver says. “Luckily for ya, we’re pullin’ up to the last stop right now!”

Chelsey looks out the window, and sees nothing but a large, forested area with a swamp in the middle. The bus drops her off in a clearing, and she gets off.

“Where am I? Ew, it’s so muddy here, I don’t want to get my nails all gross,” she worries to herself. “Today has been soooo trash so far, there’s just no way it can get worse.”

There’s a rustling in the bushes, and a strange-looking man pops out. He is portly, has a large, bushy gray mustache, and is wearing a fisherman’s outfit with a hat and a vest with many hooks on it.

“Hello! You must be the new student! Beginners’ fishing class starts in five minutes, so get yer hiney over to the lake and we’ll get started!” he says.

Chelsey looks at him with an expression of sheer horror. “Chappy? Is… Is that you? Wow, you really put on some pounds. Don’t you realize you’re on TV?”

“Chappy? Do you mean Dave Chapman? Oh, he’s my colleague!” says the man. He steps aside to reveal a large sign that reads “Big Johnson’s Private Lake.”

“You’re…” Chelsey winces. “Big Johnson?”

“I sure am! Chappy gave me the nickname in college,” says Big Johnson. “I called him Chappy Chapstick in return. It didn’t stick.”

“Wow, speaking of that, do you have any chapstick? My lips are as parched as the freaking desert,” complains Chelsey.

“Chapstick! Wow, what a perfect idea! That’ll be your reward if you catch a fish!” says Big Johnson happily. Chelsey groans loudly.

Chelsey and Big Johnson are then shown in the middle of the lake, in a tiny boat.

“Now, you’re a talkative girl, huh? Don’t wanna talk too much, it’ll disturb the fishies,” says Big Johnson quietly.

“Bro. You don’t understand. I’m in a COMPETITION,” says Chelsey. “I need to leave this hellhole so I can win.”

“A competition, you say? Well, lucky for you, this is a compe-FISH-ion! Haw haw haw!” cackles Big Johnson, placing a large hand on Chelsey’s shoulder.

Chelsey silently stares out into space, horrified.

Meanwhile, Flora is riding her new and improved bike, fashioned by Smoothie Guy on the highway.

“Wow, this is so exhilarating!” she says to the camera while riding. “I’m not entirely sure where I am compared to the finish, but I bet I’ll get there soon!”

The sky above her darkens, and a huge shadow covers the area. Flora looks up and gasps a little. “Oh no, what’s that?!”

A massive vulture swoops down from the sky and onto the ground right in front of Flora. She grinds the bike to a halt, and notices a bandana around its neck with one letter - “G.”

Gail is then shown in the confessional, cackling loudly. “I KNEW that my vulture would serve me well! I got him from a shady animal shelter in Maine, and he’s just soooo vicious! And cute, too! I must make sure that FLORA! DOES! NOT! WIN!”

“O… okay…” says Flora, slowly backing away from the vulture. “You seem nice?”

The vulture squawks loudly, and Flora squeals.

Elsewhere, not too far from Flora or the stadium, Wolfgang and Helga are continuing to drive and chat.

“Hey, how do y’ think Flora’s doing?” asks Wolfgang. “Uh, not that I’m too concerned about her.”

“Okay, I know there’s no way you two are romantically inclined, because…” says Helga. “Come on. But Flora? Is there something I’m missing? Is she anything more than a living piece of cardboard?”

“She is! Y’know, she’s… slightly slow, and sometimes her cheery demeanor really makes me want to punch a tree or something. But honestly, she’s got a heart of gold, man,” says Wolfgang.

“That’s slightly reassuring,” says Helga. “I’m not really one for compliments, but looks like you two have that in common. I mean.” Her face gets extremely red. “Uh, I shouldn’t have said that.”

“That in common? Wha?” asks Wolfgang.

“You know…” says Helga. “Heart of gold… Eh, whatever, it’s not worth it.” Wolfgang smiles at her.

Helga says in the confessional, “I honestly think I might have stepped into a wormhole that transported me into the world of ‘The Advantages Of Being A Floorplant.’ But you know, it’s kind of… nice?”

As the two continue driving, Helga notices a massive black blur in the middle of the road, with a bike right next to it. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, what’s THAT?!” She swerves to avoid it, and stops the car.

Sure enough, Wolfgang and Helga hop out of the car to see Flora still staring awkwardly at the enraged-looking vulture.

“That is…” says Wolfgang. “AWESOME!” He rushes over to the vulture. “Hey, little guy. What’s your na--” Before he can continue, the vulture shrieks loudly in his ear.

“Okay, I’m sorry, he had that one coming,” says Helga.

“Helga? Y-y-you came to rescue me?” asks a desperate Flora.

“Yep, that’s me, rescuer extraordinaire,” says Helga. “But you know, we might as well try to get you out of here before a limb is lost. Or worse.”

The two glance over at Wolfgang, who is sitting right next to the now-calm vulture on the ground and petting it while grinning.

Wolfgang says in the confessional, “I don’t really like animals, but that thing is awesome! Its pink, fleshy head, raggedy black clothing, and fascination with dead things are all totally my style!”

Flora says in the confessional, “Wow, I didn’t know Wolfgang loved animals so much. Take that, Gail!”

The losers are watching the scene play out on the massive TV. Puck is attempting to get the attention of Casey, who seems to be texting.

“Hey, Case, this stuff is so juicy, you should check it out!” says Puck, nudging her shoulder.

Casey finally tears her face away from her phone, and looks at the TV screen for a split second, just enough to see a brown-haired person right next to the vulture.

“WHAT?! Chelsey’s in trouble? What is that gross ugly thing? Don’t worry, I’m COMING!!!” yells Casey, pulling something gigantic out of her backpack. “The Chelsey-Brand Rocket Launcher™, exclusively available on, is about to be tested out for the first time!” She sprints away.

“...” says PJ.

“I’m worried,” says Gary.

“Honestly, I hope she aims for Chelsey’s face instead of the vulture,” says Trey, finally speaking for the first time since his elimination.

“Oh, alack, Trey’s vocal cords were not removed after his scream-a-palooza,” says Arthur. “A pity, really.” Nic nods his head in agreement.

Julia rolls her eyes. “You know, you really have a lotta nerve talking about whose vocal cords should be removed.”

Wolfgang is continuing to pet the vulture, though it seems to be getting slightly impatient. “Uh, guys, I’m not sure if I can keep it calm much longer,” he says, growing scared.

“Okay, let’s take shifts! H-h-Helga can do it next!” says Flora, pushing Helga towards the vulture.

“Wait, what? No thanks,” says Helga while being pushed.

Flora suddenly drops Helga, and a literal light bulb goes off over her head. “Wait,” she says. “I have to do this. Gail brought this bird guy for me to fight, so I’m gonna do it.”

“Flora, have you ever fought anything in your life other than the common cold?” asks Helga.

“Yeah, Flora, I’m kinda worried,” says Wolfgang. “But hey. You’re a trooper. Probably more of one than me. You got this!”

Flora steps up to the vulture, her eyes narrow. She begins to stutter, “Look, buddy! Quit bothering my friends!”

The vulture stares at her, completely expressionless.

“Come on! I mean it!” says Flora. After a pause, with the vulture continuing to not budge, Flora sighs. “It’s no use. It’s too scary for me.”

The sound of a motorcycle revving up in the distance begins to move closer and closer, and within seconds, Casey appears in her pink motorcycle, wielding none other than the Chelsey-Brand Rocket Launcher™.

“I’m here to SAVE YOU, Chelsey!” she yells.

With a boom, she releases the rocket launcher at the vulture, and it causes it to squawk extremely loudly and hurtle into the air, to the shock of everyone else around her.

“Now, Chelsey, you know that catching mosquito bites doesn’t count as fish, right? Haw haw haw!” says Big Johnson, still at the lake with Chelsey, who looks like she’s in genuine agony.

“Okay, Big Johnson, look,” says Chelsey. “I wield a large amount of power on the web. I can promote your dumb lake on MyCircle and get you tons of new campers, but right now, this is NOT what I nee--”

Before Chelsey can finish, a speck appears in the sky and gradually moves closer. Chelsey and Big Johnson gasp as the massive vulture comes plummeting down from the air and lands directly in the middle of the boat, sending both Chelsey and Big Johnson flying into the sky in different directions.

“This is laaaame,” says Roz at the stadium, waiting for the contestants to show up. “Where’s the passion? The drama? The entertainment? And that poor vulture, it just wanted some buddies!”

“Ayo, Roz,” says Devin. “Listen. What be dat yelling?”

“Yelling? I hear nothing,” says Roz. “Hmm, maybe I’m gettin’ old. Chef, mark ‘earwax cleaners’ on that grocery shopping list for the interns, alrighty?”

The yelling becomes louder, and Chelsey falls straight from the sky right down in front of Roz.

“Ow…” she says, rubbing her head. “I need a shower…”

“Congratulations, Chelsey!” squeals Roz. “You’ve won a spot in the final two!”

“Wait, WHAT?!” squeals Chelsey.

Chelsey says in the confessional, “Oh my god I knew Big Johnson wasn’t entirely awful! I cannot wait to be the underdog heroine and absolutely destroy Flora in the finals and get the most favorable edit of all time! My PP will literally be off the charts!”

Wolfgang and Helga are continuing to drive the stadium, getting close. Flora is now in the back seat. “Wow, guys, that was the most fun I’ve ever had!” she says.

“Fun? I mean, whatever floats your boat,” says Helga.

“Heck yeah, it was fun! Helga, come on, I just know you were having a good time!” says Wolfgang.

Wolfgang says in the confessional, “Okay, fine. Maybe I was getting a little… excited. But the thing is, I seriously love hanging out with Helga, and even Flora. They’re so cool! Helga is basically a warrior goddess from Planet of Battlecraft come to life, and Flora is just the most ridiculously nice person of all.” He pauses, and looks in the mirror at himself. “God, what am I becoming? I need a nap.”

“Uh, guys…” says Helga while driving into the parking lot in front of the stadium. “I hate to burst your bubble, but Chelsey is already there.”

“WHAT?!” yells Wolfgang. Flora says nothing, her mouth gaping wide.

Flora says in the confessional, “This is the worst possible thing that could happen. I really want to beat Chelsey in the finale because she’s been so mean to me, and I gotta prove to her that being nice really gets you far in this world, but I know I’ll be so sad if Wolfgang leaves because he’s one of the only true friends I’ve made…”

“Ugh. So I guess it’s down to you and me? Wanna just do a foot race and call it good?” asks Wolfgang.

“You know, I’m gonna leave this to you guys,” says Helga, as she pulls out a book titled The Thrower In The Pumpernickel and walks into the stadium.

“Listen,” says Flora. “I want you to go into that stadium and win.”

“Wha?!” yells Wolfgang. “But you’ve come so far at this point! You gotta overthrow Chelsey… wait, I hope she didn’t hear that.”

“Wolfgang, I came into this show to prove to myself that I really wasn’t a boring person and that I could make great friends if I tried,” says Flora, smiling. “I’m winning those fan polls, I won a ton of challenges, I got to the final three, and I’ve made some of the best friends ever! And you’re easily one of them. I’ve completed my journey, so now it’s time for you to do the same to yours.”

Wolfgang sits there, with an unclear expression on his face, and finally talks. “Welp, I guess… Dang, Flora, I’m at a loss for words. Y’know, you’re really not that bad. C’mon though, is this really what you want to do?”

“Of course it is!” says Flora. “I want to repay you for helping me out. I never would’ve realized how icky Trey actually is without your help. Maybe we can go out to get ice cream once the season ends.”

“You mean in a completely platonic way? I’d be down for that,” says Wolfgang. “Okay, well, I guess I better rush in there, huh?”

Flora nods at Wolfgang, and the two walk into the stadium together. Flora pauses at the door, and Wolfgang begins to run up to Chelsey.

“What the crap is he doing?” asks Ori from the audience.

“I… I don’t know, but I’m about to shed some ice cubes from my ol’ eyes…” says Puck, who is visibly teary. Casey looks at him and pats him on the back while staring at Chelsey lovingly.

Wolfgang runs up to Chelsey. “CONGRATS TO WOLFGANG! The second and final member of our final two!” yells Roz.

“Wow, I’m impressed!” says Chelsey. “May the best player win in this finale, I guess. And obviously that’s gonna be me, but don’t worry, Wolfie, 2nd place is absolutely nothing to scoff at.”

“Heh. We’ll see. You’re gonna get creamed more than a… pie-in-the-face,” retorts Wolfgang.

As the two continue to banter, Flora walks up to Roz. “Awwww,” says Roz, and the audience members join in. “Flora, I gotta say, you were preeetty awesome this season. But I also gotta say, sadly, that your time is over and you’re the final contestant eliminated from this game.”

“It’s okay,” says Flora happily. “I had a lot of fun!”

Flora walks up into the audience stands and sits down right next to Veronica, who congratulates her. “Oh my gosh girl, I am soooo proud of you! Who’s laughing at the Chicks Against Boringness now?”

“Speak for yourself,” grumbles MacKenzie.

“Well, well, that was a very explosive episode, and next episode is about to pump it up by like a thousand! We’ve got some tricks ‘n’ treats lined up for the finale, and plenty of old faces. So make sure to tune in to see who gets the two million dollar prize, on Total… Drama… Superstar Showdown!” says Roz, closing out the episode.

Chapter 22 - A Superstar-Studded Showdown

Roz is shown in the stadium, in the exact same spot as she was at the end of the previous episode. “Last time on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown! I told our lucky final three that our finale was booked in Revolution City, causing a maaad scramble to this stadium. Chelsey ran into a bit of trouble when she took a bus and then took a snooze on the bus, leading her to a weird lake somewhere in the countryside where she met Chappy’s colleague, Big Johnson! The two had quite the intimate bonding experience, but it was interrupted when a vulture crashed into the boat and sent them flying! Wow, that’s a rare sentence. Also, Wolfgang reunited with his lady love Helga, who helped him drive all the way to the finale, and after a nice little interlude with the vulture I just mentioned, Flora sacrificed herself to let Wolfgang into the finale! What a genuinely nice girlie, it gets me a bit teary. Awww, man. Anyway, who’s gonna win? We are gonna find out the answer to that question right here, right now on the finale of… Total Drama: Superstar Showdown!”

“...So what do we do now?” asks Wolfgang.

Chelsey is shown in the confessional. “Oh my god! I’m in the finale! I mean, I never doubted that I would be here in the first place, because obviously this season was created solely for me to win. I mean, I just naturally attract viewers with my boatloads of charisma and charm. But still, I’m glad Wolfie is here, at least! He’ll put up a decent fight.”

Wolfgang is then shown in the confessional. “Well, here I am, and I’m honestly not sure how I even got here considering I can’t think of a single thing I did in this game other than yell at Puck and make like two friends. If that’s the ‘underdog story’ they producers are yearning for, they’ll be sorely disappointed. But I’ve gotten this far, why not try my hardest for this last part?”

Chelsey says in the confessional, “I cannot wait to get my million dollar prize! I seriously have no idea what I’m gonna spend it on, maybe a cute new car? Or some clothes? Wait, maybe I’ll just invest all of it so I become as rich as Layla in a year or two! Now THAT’S a good idea. Yay me!”

Wolfgang says in the confessional, “You know, I kinda feel awful about what Flora did. I mean, she did it by herself and it’s not like I pressured her or anything, but… seriously? Did I really make that much of an impact on the girl? Honestly, thanks to that I plan on keeping touch with her for life. Thank god for Flora, otherwise I’d be toast.”

Chelsey says in the confessional, “Oh, and one more thing: I am soooo glad that Flora is finally gone. Now that it’s only me and Wolfie left, there’s no way I’ll lose the popularity polls! Wait, maybe the finale is just a huge popularity contest? That would be so good, but there’s no way. The universe doesn’t like me THAT much. At least, I don't think.”

Wolfgang says in the confessional, “I’m really just wondering what kind of tricks Roz has up her sleeve. There’s no way this is just gonna be a straightforward race, it’s definitely gonna be lethal. I’ve lived a fairly decent 18 years on this earth, so if this is it, at least I’ll go out gently.”

“Okay, so here’s the first item in our itinerary!” announces Roz. “Your families have recorded messages for you two, isn’t that just heartwarming?”

Chef appears, wheeling out a large flat-screen TV. “You guys’ families talk too much. I spent two days editing this crap,” he grumbles.

“Cheffy, you’re lucky that we’re even paying you at this point with our budget issues,” snaps Roz. “Anyway! Wolfgang, you’re up first. This is a message from…” She pulls out a note card. “Your parents and siblings. Okey-doke!”

Chef presses a remote to turn on the TV, and a scene of a few people sitting in a living room is revealed.

“Oh god…” says Wolfgang.

“Wolfgang!” says a portly, middle-aged man with an impressive mustache and a thick German accent. “We are hoping that you have accumulated the winnings!”

“Do you even listen, Klaus? He has not won yet! This is for the finale! Moron!” says a woman in a frilly pink dress that matches her frilly pink hair, presumably Wolfgang’s mother.

“Come on, guys, shouldn’t we be complimenting Wolfie?” says Wolfgang’s brother Kyle, who then turns to the camera. “Alpha! You’re doing just as great as you were when I visited, and I just know you’ll keep that up!”

“I still can’t believe that they picked you instead of me,” says Wolfgang’s sister Whitney, a cold-looking young woman with thick dyed gray hair and a floral print tank top. “Something about me not being TV-friendly enough? Can't imagine why.”

“Oh, do not listen to them,” says Wolfgang’s mom. “We miss you dearly, my son! The house just hasn’t been the same without you up in your room cursing loudly at your computer screen!”

“Ah yes, I have gotten so much more sleep without those infernal video game sounds keeping me up all night,” says Wolfgang’s dad, and his wife glares at him.

“Uh…” says Kyle. “Anyway, my dude, you’re totally gonna win, and I support that entirely! Good luck!”

“And don’t forget to split your prize money with your lovely sister,” says Whitney, before the tape turns to static.

“Lovely…” says Nic wistfully from the audience. “That is entirely correct.”

“Calm down, sonny boy,” says Arthur. “She is probably three times your height.”

Wolfgang is staring at the TV screen. “Honestly, that was a waste of a couple minutes, but you know, that was probably the nicest thing my mom has ever said to me.”

“Aw, you’re not BFFsies with your mom? Darn shame,” says Chelsey. “Hey Chef, speaking of that, can you roll my clip? I bet it’s gonna be so cute!”

“Uh, whatever you say,” says Chef, pressing another button on the remote to reveal a very photogenic family in what looks like a massive suburban home.

“Hello, sweetie!” says Chelsey’s mother, who looks exactly like her only older and even tanner. “We just can’t wait to see you again! We don’t mind that you’re last on the popularity polls, because you’re #1 in our heart.”

“Yes, Daddy’s going to take you on a nice trip to the Bahamas once you win! With your prize money, of course,” says Chelsey’s dad, a typical businessman type in a collared shirt and tie.

“I thought I said I was going to take her to Fiji first, Jim! You can’t just steal my spot!” says Chelsey’s mom.

“Oh, well, she’s always liked me a little more. Just look at this!” says Chelsey’s dad, holding up a framed picture of him with a preteen Chelsey in a pink dress, with the caption “Daddy Daughter Dance 2007.”

“Um, can we hurry this up?” says Chelsey’s sister Allison, briefly looking up from her phone. “I have a date to go on.”

“Huhuhuh,” laughs a lanky boy in lacrosse gear, likely Chelsey’s brother. “How long are you gonna last with this guy? Can you beat your previous record of 48 hours?”

“Shut UP, Dylan!” snaps Allison. “At least I’ve had a bae!”

“Do I look like I give a crap?” says Dylan. “Ganking scrubs in Call of Battle 6 is all I have time for these days.”

Chelsey’s dad clears his throat loudly. “Guys, shouldn’t we say something about how we’re all rooting for her to win?”

“Uh, I was rooting for Flora,” says Allison quietly.

Chelsey’s mom flies into a rage. “Allison! You canNOT say those types of things on tape! Okay, that’s it, no phone for a month. Hand it over.”

“But mooooom, I--” protests Allison, before the family starts arguing and the tape turns to static.

Flora is shown in the audience, right next to MacKenzie and Veronica. “Wow, the compliments just keep coming, huh?” she giggles nervously.

“Girl, I’d watch out for Chelsey if I were you. Here, use my sweatshirt as a human shield,” says Veronica, giving Flora a wadded-up sweatshirt.

“Um, that was a complete and total waste of my time,” says Chelsey to Wolfgang and Roz. “My mom has always been my favorite anyway! Love you, B!” She blows a kiss to the camera.

Layla clears her throat from the audience. “Okay, Roz, um, this is nice and all, but why are there so many empty sets of bleachers over there? Are the paparazzi coming? If so, I gotta be on my A-game.”

“Oooh, I’m glad you asked! Guys, I’m happy to say that the losers from this season aren’t the only former contestants who will be watching you!” says Roz.

“Wait… what?!” Wolfgang and Chelsey say simultaneously.

“Yep!” says Roz cheerfully, right as a large bus pulls up right next to the stadium. “Wow, that was convenient timing. Please welcome former Total Drama School and Total Drama: Tiki Jungle contestants - Carson, Sharissa, Amanda, Meg, Kurt, Emilee, Ricky, Manty, and Octavia!” As Roz announces, the former contestants, all in a line, appear from the bus doors and gradually fill up the bleachers.

The screen turns to black, then a light turns on, revealing Amanda sitting in the confessional. She looks essentially the same as she did during her stint in Tiki Jungle, except her hair is longer and tied into a ponytail. “Ugh, I can’t believe I didn’t get asked back for this season. I guess Chelsey has all but stolen my role? You know, that’s all right with me, since I’ve been doing just fine. I’m in school to become a lawyer! Yep, I’m going to boss people around… for a LIVING. I love it.” She flashes a large, glamorous grin.

Meg, who is wearing track gear as usual, is the next to show up in the confessional. “Wow, it’s great to be back! Cross country nationals have taken up most of my time recently, but it was good to see Gary on the show again, even if he was only there for like four episodes. The guy still texts me memes every so often… Usually I ignore them, but I guess they can be funny. Sometimes.”

Ricky is next, sleeping in the confessional and snoring loudly. He noticeably has gained a bit more weight, and now has a large, unkempt beard. “YA-HOOIE! Wait, why am I here? I competed in this thing like twenty years ago. I forget the host’s name. What was it? Chuck? ‘Ey, listen here - I deserved to win those million bucks, Chuck,” he says after suddenly waking up, pointing a finger to the camera.

Carson is shown in the confessional, basically looking the exact same. “I don’t care who wins this season. Just know that I was the original winner of this series, and by default, the coolest…” He sighs. “Man, I wish my money didn’t get eaten. And now I’m still living with mom and taking online classes from the community college… Being funny doesn’t get you anywhere these days, I’ll tell ya.”

The camera zooms back to Roz and the others, as a second, even larger bus appears right where the first one left. “And now, please welcome former Total Drama Revolution contestants…” says Roz. “Tasia, Elle, Donny, Cammy, Vincent, Antoine, Abbey, Mattie, Toad, Gustavo, Kim, Dolph, Northworth, and Lizza!” The horde of former TDRev contestants fills up the set of bleachers right next to the School and Tiki Jungle contestants.

Elle is shown in the confessional, slightly more tanned and wearing a blue tanktop. She says, “Oh my heck, I can’t believe I’m back AND my favorite guidette, Chelsey, is in the finals! Chelsey, I am SO proud of you, gurl, and so is Snooki. Finish what I started, and just know that after this, you’re gonna be taking me on an all-expenses-paid trip to Siesta Key with your prize money.” She smiles widely.

Northworth is next in the confessional, just as short and angry-looking as always. “These dunderheads should consider it a privilege that I’m even in their presence today. I wanna see blood, and I also wanna see Chelsey win, ‘cause she’s sexy. And maybe if she wins, I can pants Toad again. Har har har!!”

Dolph is then shown in the confessional, sporting an even more peculiar appearance - his hair is now down to his waist, he has a full beard, and he is wearing a tie-dye shirt. He says, “Salutations, everyone! I must say that it feels just peachy keen to have my restraining order lifted and to be able to freely roam around Total Drama-land. And I do have some tricks up my sleeve that I’d just love to pull on the final two! Though it might be hard, considering…” He lifts his hands up, revealing to be wearing handcuffs. “Stupid security.”

Tasia is the last one to be shown, seemingly passed out and leaning against the wall. She wakes up, lets out an extremely loud yawn, and says, “Whaaaat’s goin’ on, maaaaan? Last thing I remember was eating a Cheeeeeeeto. And then I fell asleep, for like, two secondssss, and now I’m here? Whuuuuh? I don’t wanna be back in Revolution City, maaaan, it’s scaaaary.” She passes out again.

Roz is shown once again, as the second bus leaves and is replaced with a third bus, which is the biggest one yet. “And finally, the former Total Drama Tokyo contestants! My FRIENDS! Please welcome Ari, Kai, Julian, Cas-- oh, wait, she’s already here, Isabel, Vivienne, Horatio, Delia, Thomas, Neal, Yuri, Shawn, Anderson, Gail, and Bennett!” The Tokyo contestants, of which there are remarkably few, exit the bus and sit down in the remaining seats.

Ari is shown in the confessional, wearing a tight black T-shirt featuring a basket of fruit with “La Dolce Vita” written in cursive above it. “Hey, it’s really cool to be back… You know, I’m still bummed that Roz didn’t want me to host this season with her, but looking at that awkward conversation she had with Tolkien, I’m kind of glad I wasn’t there to see any of that. Maybe I should just go talk to the guy, comfort him a bit, get him to delete that awful dating app… Yeah, that might be a good idea.”

Julian is next in the confessional, wearing a beanie which covers his massive afro. “Yo, I’m really intrigued about this whole season. I may or may not have stopped watching after Estrella got out, so this is all news to me! I also came here to advertise my new material.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out tons of CDs with graphic images on the cover. “It’s my band Alien Earache’s new EP, and it’s super rad. Title track is called ‘I Yearn For The Girl With The Dark Black Locks,’ and it’s an eight-minute power ballad that will blow your pants off. Bet you $100 you can’t guess who it’s about.”

An extremely irritated-looking Gail is next up in the confessional, and she says, “THANK GOD that wretched Flora didn’t get to the end! The fuzz told me that they wouldn’t even let me into the finale if she was competing in it, due to ‘overwhelming security risks.’ But I’m here, and there’s nothing they can do about it! And I’m sooo proud of my pet vulture, too!” She cackles evilly.

Kai, decked out in an even more flamboyant magician’s outfit than usual, is the last one to speak. “It’s highly improbable that Chelsey wins this final challenge. See, she’s just not that likable, and the good guys always win in the end. Wait, who am I kidding? Freaking LAYLA won my season. I try to forget about that.” He smacks his forehead.

“It’s good to see you all here!” says Roz enthusiastically, as the contestants fill into the stands and sit by their friends.

A panting Smoothie Guy then trudges up to Roz and collapses onto the ground. “AUGH!” he yells. “I had to drive… every single one… of those buses… I don’t get paid nearly enough…”

Roz looks at Smoothie Guy, and continues talking without acknowledging him. “Now, Wolfgang, Chelsey, normally we’d ask the losers who they’re rooting for to win, but this time’s gonna be a little different.”

“Why? Because I’d be the unanimous favorite? Oh, sorry, Wolfie,” says Chelsey.

“Um, nope!” says Roz. “For your final challenge… there will BE no challenge. Instead, the losers will be VOTING for a winner!”

“Aw, seriously?!” says Wolfgang.

“Oh god,” says Chelsey, beginning to look frantic. “Wolfgang. They hate both of us. How are they going to pick between us? Are they just gonna give the million dollars to Flora or something?”

“Well, here’s the deal,” says Roz. “Every contestant who made the merge—so Flora, Trey, Arthur, Julia, Nic, Layla, Gary, Veronica, and Estrella—can ask you guys a question! Now, it doesn’t necessarily have to be a question. Could be a nacho-eating contest. Just… something that’ll help them determine who to vote for. After the questions, you two can make your final pleas and whatev, and then we’ll be announcing the WINNER! Sound like a plan?”

Wolfgang and Chelsey both mutter in agreement, and nod their heads.

“Alrighty! Then we’ll just get sta--” begins Roz, before she is interrupted by another, much smaller, but much more intimidating-looking bus arriving on the scene and leaving behind an extremely thick cloud of smoke.

A single figure walks out of the bus, and as they come into view, they reveal themselves…

“Not so fast,” says Chris McLean, as everyone gasps. “Nice job hosting the season, Roz. You managed to keep these angsty teens all under control! But I have to say, this finale is looking laaame right now. Where’s the passion? The heartbreak? The DRAMA? We need to go out with a BANG.”

“B-b-but Chris, our budget is completely out! Gone! I spent the last of it on a snack this morning!” says Roz.

“Well, well, well, Roz, I’m sorry to say this, but you’re WRONG!” says Chris, pulling out a remote from his back pocket.

“Uh… Chris, didn’t I say not t’ break out the heavy artillery?” says Chef, looking very nervous.

“Chef, this is a special circumstance. It has to happen,” says Chris.

After a variety of shocked looks from the audience, Chef, and Roz herself, Chris presses the button. A massive hole appears in the center of the stadium, and slowly a tall, imposing tower with many floors rises up from the ground, until its spire reaches to well above the top of the stadium.

“Now we’re talking, huh?” says Chris, admiring his creation. “Now, to all you losers who Roz said were gonna vote, you guys are actually gonna go and do your challenges in there! The first contestant to get past all the obstacles and get to the top of the tower wins two million dollars.”

Roz’s face turns frantic, a rare sight. “But Chris! I’M the host of this season! C’mon, you gave me a consolation prize, and I’ve had so much fun that you can’t just snatch my title away like that!”

“Y’know, Roz, I understand what you’re saying. Must be tough, huh? Well, I’ll let you be in charge of all the special effects. We need to make this intense. Live music, flashing lights, all that jazz. Get what I’m saying?” says Chris.

“Uh…” says Roz. “Sure, I guess.”

Five minutes later, Julian and a few other ex-contestants - Antoine and Shawn on backing vocals, Horatio on sax, and Manty on drums - are shown setting up a ragtag concert off to the side of the stadium.

“Okay, is this thing on?” says Julian, tapping the microphone. “Good. Roz, my… er, band and I are about to perform our new hit single!”

“It’s gonna blow your pants off so quickly, you’d think there were squirrels in ‘em,” says Antoine.

"Oh, and according to Julian, it's dedicated to a beautiful girl," says Shawn, glancing at Estrella in the least subtle way possible. Estrella winces. 

“Is this pedal safe to touch with my shoes?” asks Manty, examining the drum pedal with his new and improved pair of neon sneakers.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” says Julian. “One! Two! One, two, three! I yeeeeearn for the giiiirl with the dark black looooocks… She’s so dang hot, she blows off my sooooocks…”

He continues to sing and the band continues to play somewhat awfully, while Estrella watches on with a look of horror.

“You know, I can’t help but feel like you got the shorter end of the stick when it comes to relationships,” Helga says to Estrella before she and the other jury members walk into the tower.

“Gee, really?” Estrella retorts. “And we’re not dating, thank you very much.” She walks away.

“Ugh, I wish I didn’t even have to go into this tower…” mutters Trey under his breath. “I’d much rather take a nap.”

Julia, who is right behind him, scoffs. “Aw, quit your yapping. Maybe you can use the money you tried to steal from me to buy an expensive new bed. Oh wait, just kidding!” She laughs loudly.

“Wow, Julia, that was a very quality roast,” says Arthur. “I am impressed. I didn’t know you had that in you.”

As the nine contestants disappear into the tower, Roz looks back at Wolfgang and Chelsey.

“Guys, I really am sorry, I wish I didn’t have to do this,” she says.

“Um, you don’t? Can’t you just file a lawsuit against Chris or something? I feel like he should’ve been arrested over 10 times by now anyway,” says Wolfgang.

“Yeah, but…” whispers Roz. “I’m broke. Remember? Anyway, there’s ONE MORE thing we gotta get to before you start!”

“Ooooh, do we get to pick out helpers?!” asks Chelsey. “Because if so, I am so ready.”

“Ding ding ding!” says Roz. “You each get your pick from literally any of these people here,” she motions to the peanut gallery, “and you get two of ‘em! Choose wisely!”

Chris McLean suddenly interjects, once again. “What do you mean, they get their pick?! Y’know, if that happened, Wolfgang would just pick Flora, Chelsey would grab Elle, and nothing interesting would come out of that. Here, let me use the random number generator on my phone!”

He pulls out his phone and begins frantically typing, while Wolfgang and Chelsey look on.

Wolfgang says in the confessional, “Okay, now anyone with half a brain can see that I’m obviously going to get Puck. And… whatever. I’ve accepted my fate. I won’t try to physically abuse him this time, not because I’m a changed man, but because I need that million dollars. That’s the ONLY reason, I swear.”

“Okay, Wolfgang!” says Chris. “Your two helpers will be… Puck and Casey!”

“Whoo, I didn’t see that one coming,” says Wolfgang as Puck and Casey make their way down from the bleachers, still in their respective “Team Wolfie” and “Team Chelsey” outfits.

“UGH!” yells Casey. “You’re the absolute worst, Chris! I wanted Chelsey!”

Chelsey runs over to Chris and whispers in his ear, “Thankyouthankyouthankyou! I owe you one.”

“Wolfie, are you ready for us to bash ‘n’ brawl our way through the tower? I know I am, buddy!” says Puck, approaching Wolfgang and putting his arm around him. “And remember, I gotta get at least 25% of your winnings!”

“Yeah, about that--” starts Wolfgang.

“Haha, just kiddin’!” says Puck. “Your friendship is the only prize I need.”

“Now Chelsey, on the other hand…” says Chris. “You get Total Drama Revolution veterans Elle and Donny!”

Chelsey says in the confessional, “Donny?! I haven’t spoken to that guy for at least a year… I was kinda checking him out a few minutes ago, and his new haircut is REALLY cute. But what am I saying? He’s not popular in the slightest. I mean, he probably is, but not my kind of popular. Ugh. At least his blind devotion to me will probably ensure me the win.”

Elle and Donny walk out from the stadium. “Hey gurl,” says Elle. “Are you ready to rock the party?”

Ignoring Elle, Chelsey moves to Donny. “Uh… hi, Donny! You’re looking a bit taller! And somewhat cuter, too!” she says.

“You’ve always been pretty blunt, huh?” asks Donny, who is visibly blushing. “Nice to see you, though.”

Elle says in the confessional, “She picks an incredibly average boy with a mediocre personality over ME? Rude.”

The emotional reunion is interrupted by Chris, who blows a whistle extremely loudly causing everyone to go silent. “OKAY! It looks like our contestants are ready for you, so it’s time! Ready? Set… Go!”

Wolfgang and Chelsey, accompanied by their helpers, rush into the tower through two different doors.

Wolfgang, Puck, and Casey enter into the first room, which consists of Arthur and Julia sitting at a table.

“Okay, guys, this’ll be an easy one,” says Wolfgang, panting. “Nice. What do you got for us? Can you make sure it’s nothing too disgusting?”

“Ah, yes,” says Arthur. “Now, for my part of the challenge, you must put your crafting skills to the test! In the trunk behind me is materials to make your own Vance. Now, I do not know where THE Vance is right now, so you must use your memory. You have five minutes. If your Vance is satisfactory, you must move onto Julia.”

“I swear I didn’t approve of this,” grumbles Julia. “Anyway, mine is a bit simple. You gotta hit me with the full names of all five--”

“Four,” whispers Arthur.

“UGH! Don’t remind me!” yells Julia. “All four members of One Erection. Then you twerps can pass. All right?”

“Oh man, I’m a pretty big One Erection stan, I can totally do this!” says Puck. After Wolfgang and Casey glance at him, he says, “What? They’ve got some pretty rockin’ tunes.”

Wolfgang rubs his chin. “Okay, I know how to do this. Puck, um, you just do the One Erection crap, I’ll make the Vance, Casey… I don’t know, make out with Puck or something.”

“Got it!” purrs Casey, as she clutches Puck tightly.

Wolfgang walks over to the trunk, and pulls out a single piece of toilet paper, a water bottle containing a suspicious yellow liquid, a little red box of raisins, and a jar filled with hair.

“This is repulsive,” he groans, as he squirts some of the liquid onto the toilet paper. “Casey? A little help here?”

“Ew, I’m not touching that,” says Casey. “I have morals, values, and dignity.”

A literal light bulb goes off above Wolfgang’s head. “A little birdie told me that these hairs were plucked straight from Chelsey’s scalp as she slept last night,” he says.

“OHMYGOSH that’s soooo rare!” yells Casey, as she jumps over to the Vance-making station. “This is totally going to be the newest item for sale on! Sales will skyrocket!”

As Casey continues to jump around, a hair drops out of the bottle and onto the Vance.

Wolfgang puts a raisin on Vance and walks over to Arthur. “Okay, is this satisfactory?” he asks.

“Hmm…” says Arthur, examining the creation. “The toilet paper is nice and soft, great for Vance’s smooth-to-the-touch exterior… Hair is not too short or too long, this raisin is perfectly plump, and I have to say that the liquid is distributed wonderfully. Wolfgang, you have passed!”

“Okey-dokey! I’m done!” says Puck, bouncing back to Wolfgang. “Let’s get out of here, fam!” The three rush up the stairs to the next station.

Chelsey, Elle, and Donny are shown walking into the first room, where Layla is lying down on a large carpet with Charles in an armchair off to the side, reading a thick-looking novel.

“Ugh, did it have to be you?” asks Layla. “Gross. You know, honey, even if you do win this thing, you won’t be nearly as rich as me.”

“Now Layla, do not forget to be courteous to your opponents, even if you do dislike this girl quite a bit,” says Charles, waggling a finger. “Chelsey and company, I do apologize.”

“Who’s that old dude?” asks Elle. “He looks like my grandpa. I bet he could get loose if he wanted to.”

“Oh, you don’t even know,” says Layla, thinking back to Charles’s motorcycling days. “Now, here’s your challenge! You gotta give me a back massage. I want it for ten minutes, and I want it to be perfect. Loosen up my joints. And maybe if you have some extra time, you can go to my feet! I’ve got some bunions that really need to be loo--”

“Oh hey, isn’t that convenient?” says Donny calmly. “After Revolution ended, I went to school to become a massage therapist. Vincent actually told me I should do it. He said something about me being super chill, and how I’d be really good at making other people’s bodies feel super chill.”

Chelsey says in the confessional, “I mean, if I did get back together with Donny, I’d never have to feel all sore in the morning again… Would I even have to do yoga anymore?! Wait. Snap out of it, Chelsey. He is NOT your type.”

Layla stretches out on the ground, turning onto her stomach, and Donny begins the massage. Instantly, Layla lets out some calm moans.

“Wow, Donny, you massage like a pro! Color me impressed!” says Chelsey.

“Oh my gosh…” says Layla, in an incredibly calm tone. “I want him to be MY boyfriend…”

“Ay, that’s me boy!” says Vincent, watching in the audience. “That sheila is going to wake up feeling like a new lassie!”

“Wooooow, where was that skill back in the shoooow, maaaan?” asks Tasia.

“Amazing, huh?” asks Mattie. “Reminds me of this game we play at camp. It’s called Dead Fish. Literally all you do is lie down on the grass and take a nap, and if you move you’re out. If we added masseuses to the mix, it’d go from wonderful to… well, heavenly.”

“Ooh! Massage me, Mattie!” giggles Toad.

“Don’t-a worry, buddy, I am quite th’ masseuse too,” says Gustavo. He shoves his fist into Toad’s back forcefully, causing Toad to yowl in pain.

Antoine winces. “Oooooh. You just got served.”

“...” says PJ.

Wolfgang and company are seen walking up the stairs to the next room. “Okay, that accordion-playing competition that Nic made us do was just plain awful,” he says.

The three get to the top of the stairs and see that the next room is occupied by Trey.

“...I spoke too soon,” says Wolfgang.

“Hi…” says Trey. “I know you don’t want to see me. I don’t really want to see you either. However, if you want to have even a slight chance of getting past me, I have one simple question. How do I become a better person? Please. I’ll do anything.”

“Well, first of all you have to apologize to Chelsey for annoying her so much, because Chelsey is physically incapable of being guilty in a fight, and then you have to go down to the river and absolve yourself of your sins with fresh water so Chelsey will forgive yo--” begins Casey.

“C’mon, Case! My lips are gettin’ a bit chapped, so why don’t you take care of that so Wolfie can talk?” winks Puck. Casey immediately begins to make out with Puck.

“No, it’s fine, you can take your time or whatever…” says Trey quietly.

Wolfgang gulps. “Okay, Trey, look. I know we were at odds the entire time, and frankly, your personality is usually the type that I can’t stand. But I know what you’ve been through. I know what it’s like to basically feel like a pariah around everyone who you care about. Heck, I didn’t talk for like a year because everything I said just made me feel like I was digging a deep, deep hole.”

“Yeah, that’s basically how I feel right now…” says Trey. “I just wish I had never signed up for this show, then my life would be so much easier…”

“Listen, dude, you gotta leave those troubles behind,” says Wolfgang. “It’s tough. Seriously, I know. A year ago, or even when Tokyo started, I would never be able to guess that I’d be here right now, in the final two of an all-stars season with a decent amount of friends and even a girlfriend. But y’know what? It happened. You gotta keep an open mind, and realize that people are not always out to get you.”

“But if you’re a massive jerk to them like I was, then they will be…” says Trey.

“Hey, nobody ever said you had to interact with any other Total Drama people ever again,” says Wolfgang. “You’re about to go to college, right?”

“I mean, I guess… I’m not even sure if they’ll still accept me…” says Trey quietly.

“College is a place to reinvent yourself, dude,” says Wolfgang. “Go into class on the first day with a mindset like ‘hey, I’m Trey, I’m awesome.’ If you really, truly believe you can be the person you want to be, you can. Nobody else is deciding that kind of stuff except you.”

Puck is shown in the confessional, weeping. “W-w-wolfie…” he says, in between tears. “That was so poetic… I’m going to become the BEST PERSON I CAN! Just for YOU!”

“Thank you, I guess…” says Trey. “Maybe that’ll actually work? I guess I might as well try, I mean, I have nothing to lose… Congratulations, I don’t hate you as much as I did…”

Wolfgang gives Trey a high-five, and continues on with Casey and a still-sobbing Puck, who she is trying to console.

“Did Wolfgang just make Trey… sympathetic?!” shouts Kavren. “No floopin’ way!”

“You know, I hated him this whole time, but come to think of it, he’s not nearly as bad as my sisters,” says Vivienne, shuddering.

“I still hate him,” scoffs Elena. “He never deserved me in the first place.”

Tolkien, who is sitting next to Ari semi-awkwardly, quips, “Maybe the first step to Trey’s self-discovery should be ditching those Bonjour Doggy droopy-drawers.”

“Hey, I suppose it could be worse,” says Ari. “He could have every single card in the Pogeyman Z set, including holofoils and event-only cards… Though, to be fair, I…”

“Yeah! You’re one to talk!” says Tolkien playfully, and the two share a laugh.

“Ugh, this last room is totally going to be Flora, isn’t it?” asks Chelsey, as she walks up the stairs to the final room with Elle and Donny.

Sure enough, the three enter the room to see Flora sitting in a chair and smiling. “Gurl, you’re sooo psychic,” purrs Elle.

“Hi!” says Flora. “Okay, Chelsey, I have a question for you.”

“Well, no duh,” says Chelsey. “Of course you have a question. Why else would you be here? Don’t waste my time, gurl.”

“Here’s my question,” says Flora, obviously hurt but trying to shrug it off. “Why did you care so much about beating me in the polls? Did you really not want to be friends with me just because I was more ‘popular’ than you? I just wanna know what kinds of stuff you like to do in life other than try to get more popular.” She says all this with a smile on her face, implying that none of it is meant to sound malicious in any way.

Donny says in the confessional, “...Wow.”

“I…” says Chelsey. “Um, can I have a thinking break for like five secs?!”

“Yes,” smiles Flora.

Chelsey rushes over to Elle and pulls her aside to the corner of the room. “Girl. What do I even say? Do I just make up some BS? Because to be honest, my entire life for the past six or so years has been based around trying to increase my own popularity as much as possible. I have nothing.”

“Uhhhh,” says Elle. “I mean, you gotta be honest. Flora’s just another person. Why does it matter? Even if you lose, we can eat buttloads of ice cream and sob while watching Nebraska Shore together. It’ll be a bonding experience either way.”

“Nah, you just gotta comfort her,” says Donny, popping in. “Or have an epiphany that drastically changes your entire worldview. Y’know, your choice.”

Chelsey nods, and rushes back to Flora. “Okay, Flora. Look. In all honesty, I was just perplexed about WHY you became so popular. Like, you really didn’t do anything except walk around and be nice to people.” She pauses for a very long time. “...Wait.”

“Yeah, that’s really all you gotta do,” says Flora. “You’re just kind of mean, Chelsey.”

“Mean? MEAN?" exclaims Chelsey. "I’m not mean! Elena’s mean! Trey is mean! My grandma is mean! I’m not mean, I’m likable and charismatic!”

“Sis, I love you and all, but you can be kinda mean sometimes,” says Elle.

“Okay. That’s an awful look. There’s no way I’ve been mean this whole time, I thought I was just playing the game?! Am I going to lose at this point? Flora, I have to be nice to you! I swear!" says Chelsey, and she suddenly snaps. "Yeah, I just love your beaver shirt! It’s so cute and stylish!”

“That’s a start,” shrugs Flora. “But I know how much it means to you to be popular, and I’m sorry that I beat you in the polls. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings or anything.”

“That’s fine, Flora. Whatever,” says Chelsey. “It wasn’t your fault. It was… the polls’ fault! Ugh, I bet they were rigged to teach me a ‘life lesson’ or whatever. But seriously, thanks for at least talking to me about it, and also insulting me so I can take some mind-cleansing yoga classes!”

Flora giggles, “No problem, Chelsey. I didn’t want to make any enemies here, so I consider you a friend.”

“Okay, I don’t really, but that’s…” begins Chelsey. “Whatever floats your boat, Flora.”

As the three run to the top of the tower, Donny says, “Wow, she’s chill.”

“Ohhh Donny, you wouldn’t want a chill girl! You gotta have a fiery one like me, for the personality contrast and all that jazz! Silly boy,” says Chelsey.

“Come on!” yells Wolfgang, as he runs up the stairs to the very top of the tower. “Almost… there! Hurry up, Puck!”

“I’m comin’,” says Puck, choking back tears. “You inspire me so much, Wolfie!”

“He’ll inspire you even more if you help us WIN!” says Casey, grinning widely. The three see the top of the tower and sprint up the remaining few stairs, entering through the doorway…

…to see Chelsey and her helpers get there at the exact same time.

“ARE YOU SERIOUS?!” yells an enraged Chris, standing right there with the million-dollar case. Before any of them can say anything else, he presses a button on his remote, and the tower promptly explodes, sending him - and everyone else in it - falling to the ground.

“Welp, looks like we’re back to square one!” says Roz sheepishly, once everyone collects themselves and crawls out of the rubble.

Before she can say anything else, yet another bus arrives on the scene and honks its horn loudly.

“Ugh, what NOW?!” sighs Roz. “This better be important!”

The bus doors open, dropping off two very familiar-looking elderly men.

“Wow, Dave, I can’t believe I just found ya on the side of the road! What a nice encounter, huh?” asks Big Johnson.

“Jeffrey, I regret to tell you that you did not find me on the side of the road. You crashed into the side of the boat I was using for a whaling expedition. Is your memory that faulty already? You’re only 63,” explains Chappy.

“Oooh, okay, this is definitely worth it,” squeals Roz, running over to Chappy and hugging him. “You’re just in time for the super dramatic voting ceremony! Wait, who’s that guy?”

“Howdy! The name’s Big Johnson, I’m a friend of Chappy’s from college. Hyuk hyuk hyuk!” explains the mustached fisherman.

“Big Johnson!” says Chelsey. “Thanks for inadvertently bringing me to the final two! I owe you one big-time, buddy. You’ll get like 50 bucks if I win!”

“Roz, what is this about a voting ceremony?” asks Wolfgang.

“Oooh! Yeah! Okay, you guys, since Chris’s contraption failed -- shocker, I know -- the power once again shifts to the jury! They’ll be voting for a winner!” says Roz.

“Wait,” says Wolfgang. “So that entire tower climb was for naught?!”

“Oh god, my jeans got so dirty, that was NOT worth it,” grumbles Chelsey.

“Guys! Guys! Calm down,” says Roz. “One of you is about to be a million bucks richer! Okay, so before the nine losers vote for a winner, I’ll give you one last chance each to make a statement about why you should win. Kapeesh?”

“Chelsey, go first. Y’know, alphabetical order, it’s only fair,” smiles Wolfgang.

“Okay!” says Chelsey, clearing her throat. “Soooo, I came into this game wanting to remedy my number one mistake from TDRev - not being in the spotlight nearly enough. Obviously, I succeeded on that front, considering the huge part I had in voting out a ton of you guys over there, and my improved amount of screentime helped out too! You know, I feel like I created some wonderful bonds with some of you. Wolfgang, obviously, and… yeah, you guys are all winners in my book, even if some of you may be in the negatives on the popularity chart. And, uh, as for those of you I didn’t bond with… I’m sorry, okay? Flora, you said I was mean, and that’s stuck with me for the past, well, five minutes. I do NOT want to be mean. All my popularity pursuits are truly benevolent. I mean, to people like Kavren, I guess it’s fine to be mean, but whatever. I’m just trying to help you guys out. So basically vote for me since this is finally the time when my popularity will help me out instead of hinder me? You’ll have my respect. Swearsies.”

“Thanks, Chelsey!” says Roz, as the audience members chatter. “And you, Wolfgang?”

“Well,” begins Wolfgang. “I’m not sure even why I was on this season in the first place. Y’know, third voted out of Tokyo, didn’t do anything except kick Puck in the gonads a few times, but I guess they saw enough potential in me to bring me back or something. And honestly, I feel pretty damn decent about what I accomplished here. People may blabber on about personal growth, well, I’ve been able to find peace within my inner self, and honestly, it’s probably the most rewarding feeling I’ve had in life so far. Helga, I think you getting out was really my awakening in this game. It caused me to be like ‘hey, there's two million bucks on the line, you gotta actually buckle down and DO stuff.’ And… I tried to connect with people, and actually make an effort to talk to them instead of snarling in their faces, and people like Flora and even…” he winces, “Puck, I just really feel like I’ve made friends. Having friends isn’t exactly a feeling I’ve known too well in the past, but it’s really nice and warm and fuzzy, all words that I do not like but they’re apt right here. And you guys honestly rock, and I really couldn’t have gotten to the finals without you. So whether you guys decide to crown me the superstar or the ultimate loser, I can probably deal with it. Thanks.”

All right,” says Roz. “There ya have it! Now losers, make your way to the port-a-confessional, it’s VOTING time!” Puck begins to sprint to the confessional, and Roz says, “Not so fast, baby boy. You’re pre-jury!”

Puck then runs over to Wolfgang and gives him a crumpled-up piece of paper that says “WoLFiE :)” with a crudely drawn portrait of Wolfgang’s face. “This is my vote in spirit, dawg!” he says, and Wolfgang almost smiles.

Estrella is the first one shown voting in the confessional. “Meh. Don’t really know either of them. Don’t really care about either of them.” She pulls out her phone. “Time to use!”

Veronica is next, and she says, “Well, being on the lame old Citrus Fruits really caused me to not get to know either of these two at all. Man, why couldn’t Flora be in this final two? Or… well, me? I’m voting for Chelsey, though. I like her style. She beats Amanda ANY day.”

Gary says in the confessional, while writing down a vote, “I KNEW the winner’s edit was never wrong!”

Layla says in the confessional, “God, I hate Chelsey so much, but her boy toy gave me such a heavenly back massage that I almost feel the urge to vote for her. Almost. Wait, maybe that’s not right… Urgh. What would Charles do?”

Nic says in the confessional, “Mi amigo, you are a strong and fiery individual. I will never forget the deep bonding moment we had in that cave. But Chelsey, your Latina blood causes my eyes to water up with the passion of the Gulf of Mexico. Voting for a gorgeous woman like you would be the ultimate declaration of love! But aw man, Wolfie’s my pal…”

Julia says in the confessional, “Bleh. Which of them would be able to donate the most amount of money to me so I could bribe Zane to rejoin 1E?”

Arthur says in the confessional, surrounded by Vances he has made out of the voting paper, “My loooose peanuts sometimes act as an oracle. They will guide me to the correct decision. Peanuts? Who shall I vote for today?!”

Trey says in the confessional, after staring at the paper for an extended period of time, “Thanks for the advice… I may not like you as a person all that much, but I really appreciate it…”

Flora says in the confessional, while holding up a piece of paper with Wolfgang’s name written on it, “BFFs forever!”

Roz is shown back at the stadium, and it’s now dusk. The lights are dimmed, and she, Chris, and Chef Hatchet are wearing dress clothing as Chappy, Big Johnson, Smoothie Guy, and all the former contestants are surrounding them in the bleachers and Wolfgang and Chelsey are up front.

“Well, folks, the votes have been cast, and--” begins Chris.

“Hey! Lemme do it, okay? You already risked their lives enough today, can’t a girl like me get a little of hostin’ fun? It’s the last time, I promise,” pleads Roz.

“Fine,” grumbles Chris. “But only this once.”

“YAY!” says Roz, jumping into the air. “Okay! So, nine votes have been cast, and these are some preeeetty interesting votes indeed. Want me to read ‘em one-by-one, or just get to it?”

“Just get to it!” yells Northworth angrily from the audience.

“Wow, or you could be that way,” says Roz. “Chelsey, Wolfgang. You two have had a pretty long journey, huh? It feels like it’s been like four years. Crazy how time works. Now, as much as I’m gonna miss hanging out with both of you dudes, only one of you dudes can get the two mil. Sound good?”

“Oh heck yes, girl. I’m ready,” says Chelsey.

“Seconded,” says Wolfgang. “Let’s do this.”

“The winner of Total Drama: Superstar Showdown is…” says Roz, opening up a large envelope.

“WOLFGANG!” yells Roz, as the stadium erupts into an applause.

“Wh-WHAT?!” says Wolfgang exuberantly, as he snatches the million-dollar case from Chef’s hands and tries to sprint away.

Before he can run into the audience, Chelsey stops him. “Honestly, Wolfie? Congrats,” she says. “I may be mean, or whatever Flora wants to call me next, but I am NOT a sore loser. You did it. I just knew you had what it takes to be popular!” She squeals, and hugs Wolfgang.

After Chelsey’s hug, Wolfgang walks up to Helga. “Hey,” she says. “You did good, dude.”

“Is that it?” asks Wolfgang, still overwhelmed by everything. “WAIT! Can we do that thing again? You know, the thing we talked about in the car?”

“Um, is that even a question?” says Helga dryly. She pulls Wolfgang in and kisses him on the lips briefly, and he blushes.

“Thanks for everything,” says Wolfgang. “That chat we had on the beach is something I don't think I’ll ever forge--”

“WOLFIEEEEEEE!” yells a familiar voice. Puck comes sprinting towards him and jumps into his arms bridal-style. “Man! That was the coolest, chillest thing I’ve ever witnessed! You redefine cool, buddy! You’re… absolute zero!”

“Puck, I hate to say this, but without your heavily disturbing obsession with me, I probably wouldn’t have won this thing, so… thanks, I guess?” he says. “I’m going to put you down now though, because you’re hefty.”

“Bro, we gotta go on that Burrito King double date once you get settled! Casey and I already know exactly what we want to order,” says Puck. “Wait, speaking of which, where is Casey?”

Casey is shown comforting Chelsey, who looks like she definitely doesn’t need to be comforted, with Elle and an assortment of others.

“Don’t worry Chelsey, I’ll let you have 75% off on every fifth purchase from my Spreadshirt,” says Casey. “And I still love you! I promise! Like, a lot!”

“Honestly, it’s totally fine,” scoffs Chelsey. “I came on this show to increase my popularity, and I sure did do that, for better or for worse. I’m in a good place now.”

“You’re gonna be in a BETTER place when we go clubbing, gurl,” says Elle. “Snooki will be sooo proud!”

“I’m sure she will be,” says Donny, once again popping into the conversation.

“Oh my god I just need to--” says Chelsey. She walks over and flings herself into Donny’s arms, kissing him unexpectedly as he gasps for air.

“So…” he says. “I guess we’re official now, huh?” Chelsey nods, and strokes his hair.

Roz is shown, surrounded by all the other contestants. “Aww, this is just sad. I’m gonna miss you dudes so much! Promise to keep in touch, mkay?”

“Ah yes, Roz, I will never forget your loud nature, love of quasi-words like ‘guysies’ and ‘Tolky,’ and copious boyfriends,” says Arthur. “You’ll always live on in my morbidly obeeeese heart.”

“Yeah, whatever. I can’t wait to go to college far, far away from you,” says Julia.

“You’re going to miss me deeply, and you just know that!” says Arthur, and Julia rolls her eyes.

“Ooooh, wait, I almost forgot something!” says Roz, and she pulls out a much smaller suitcase and walks over to Flora. “Flora! This is for you. It’s from the producers. Apparently the polls actually did have a purpose, and this $100,000 is for you for having the highest average out of the contestants!”

“Wow! I can’t believe it!” says Flora elatedly. “This is amazing! Thanks, Roz!” She walks over to Chelsey. “Hey Chelsey?”

“Wha?!” says Chelsey, turning around to see Flora.

“This is for you,” says Flora. “I’m splitting this prize with you. It’s for the popularity poll, and I know how much that meant to you! You may not ever wanna talk to me again, and that’s okay, but I hope you buy whatever you want with this $50,000.”

“OH MY GOSH,” shouts Chelsey, hugging her before quickly getting off of her. “I mean… okay. Yeah. Thanks, Flora.” Flora beams at her.

Layla is talking to Roz and the others when Charles walks up to her, with Chappy and Big Johnson on either side, chatting excitedly.

“Mistress Layla?” asks Charles. “These two fine men and I have hit it off quite well. Do you think we’d have room for two more at our next tea party?”

“Oh, Charles, I’d loooove that,” says Layla. “I’m honestly not even being sarcastic. Bring ‘em over!”

Finally, Roz is shown in front of the camera with Wolfgang, who’s holding his money-filled case. “Well, it was an amazing season here, and I could not have been happier to host it!” says Roz.

“And man, I couldn’t have been happier to win this freaking thing,” says Wolfgang, grinning.

“I just gotta say thanks to y’all who watched me, and supported me, and prevented me from getting arrested, you know, that sorta thing. Really makes a girl like me feel loved. But all in all, we couldn’t have had any better of a season than we did, and I hate to say that it’s over, but what’s that phrase about all good things coming to an end or somethin’? Yeah, let's just say that. I hope all of you guys live fulfilling, interesting lives! Every last one of ya! Thanks for tuning in, and this has been…”

The entire crowd joins in to say “TOTAL! DRAMA! SUPERSTAR SHOWDOWN!”, as a streak of rainbow light flashes across the sky.

The End

Elimination Table

# Contestant 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 20 21 22
18th Mackenzie WIN WIN WIN WIN IN OUT
20th Devin IN IN IN OUT
21st Tolkien IN IN OUT
22nd PJ IN OUT
23rd Ori OUT
  • 1 = Due to Layla's quit, Trey was spared from elimination.

Theme Song

Dear Mom and Dad, I'm doin' fine
(Camera zooms through the forest, where Chef, Gary, and Smoothie Guy are setting up a challenge)
You guys are on my mind
(Devin is shown swimming in the water nude, and is reeled in by Ori who claps happily)
You asked me what I wanted to be,
(Tolkien runs up to Roz, saying something, and Roz laughs)
And now I think the answer is plain to see
(Trick comes along on his skateboard and picks up Tolkien, but they both trip over an asleep Alex)
I wanna be famous!
(MacKenzie and PJ look on, while PJ mouths "...")

I wanna live close to the sun,
(Elena and Trey are seen in lawn chairs, Elena spraying herself with spray tan and Trey giving her a curt glance)
Go pack your bags, 'cause I've already won,
(The camera jerks towards Chelsey, who smiles and poses glamorously)
Everything to prove, nothin' in my way,
(Flora and Veronica get in the shot, building a fort)
I'll get there one day,
(Veronica is tapped on the shoulder by Layla, who smiles evilly at her and holds up a nail polish bottle)
'Cause I wanna be... famous!
(Estrella and Chrissy are relaxing in the cabin, when a shirtless, accordion-playing Nic pops up in between them and they glare angrily)

Na na na na na na, na na na na na na na na na na na!
(Puck and Kavren are dancing on a stage in their One Rejection costumes, with Arthur in his Puber T underwear)
I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous!
(The camera pans to the "audience" - Wolfgang, Helga, and Julia - and Wolfgang blows steam from his ears, Julia stares in horror, and Helga raises one eyebrow and continues reading)
I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous!
(Puck grabs Wolfgang and Arthur grabs Julia, and they drag them through a fishing boat with Chappy on it, a McDonald's, and the touristy downtown with Victor's Secret, all the way to the elimination ceremony)
[Whistling in tune to the theme]
(All 22 contestants are gathered around the campfire, with Roz and Chef in the front. Tolkien approaches Roz once again, but she shushes him, and the camera pans out to the whole group as the logo appears)


There are spoilers in this section, obviously, so I'd advise you to read the chapters before you read this section.

  • This season was originally hosted by Gary, and had a drastically different cast. Some characters' designs were changed, and some were added in or taken out at the last minute. The number of contestants was also changed from 20 to 22.
  • The title of this season was originally "Total Drama Superstars." I decided to change it to a longer title because it sounded cooler, and it was fitting for the most intense season.
  • This will most likely be the last season of my canon, so I decided to end it with an all-stars season with my most popular characters.
  • Characters who were planned to be in the story until the final draft include Meg, Donny, Casey, and Julian, who were replaced by Veronica, Trick, Flora, and Tolkien respectively. All of them except Meg ended up making cameos in the actual story. 

List of Cameos

Chapter 1

  • Arthur's "Puber T" persona was inspired by this book that my parents got me a while ago, called "It's Perfectly Normal" that... basically talked about puberty, and one of the drawings showed an adolescent kid talking to an older-looking guy with a shirt, just like Arthur's, that said "Puber T."
  • Roz (and Wolfgang, in a later chapter) laughing like "Shauhsuahsauhshua" is a reference to a way Brazilians laugh online.
  • I love writing for Chelsey this time around, she is basically just a parody of every stuck-up, queen bee type in media. The PP thing was based on something she said in the first chapter of Revolution, but it was never really expanded upon until now.
  • Elena's drastic change was mostly because I liked the person was based on far less than I did when Tiki Jungle was being written, it kind of started in her boot episode that time.
  • Deadward Sullen is an obvious parody of Edward Cullen, and in my opinion, one of my best parodies.
  • The Enigmatic Benedick Organization is a shout-out to The Mysterious Benedict Society, one of my favorite book series.
  • Arthur makes a callback to "Christian Your Mother," which is what Chrissy said her last name was in Tiki Jungle.
  • "Vas happenin'" is apparently a Zayn Malik quote, who Nic's new drawing kind of resembles.
  • Julia mentions Louie and Larry, two of One Erection's members.
  • The "Swagged Out Citrus Fruits" is based on a team name that people in my 7th grade cooking elective had, which was actually called the Tricked Out Citrus Friuts (sic) but that reminded me too much of Trick, and with Devin being on that team, I felt Swagged Out would be funnier.
  • I have no idea what a ralphcake is, I just made it up, and "hopalong" is a favorite word of mine, as well as being Claude from Animal Crossing's catchphrase. Coincidentally, both characters based on Animal Crossing villagers are on that team.

Chapter 2

  • The title is a really bad pun on the phrase "school of hard knocks" and the location Fort Knox.
  • Zayn Malik actually did delete his Twitter at one time because people harassed him. It was back up in a couple hours, though.
  • Skilletz is a reference to Skrillex, the infamous dubstep musician, as well as some band I had heard of called "Skillet," and for a while I thought Skillet and Skrillex were the same person.
  • With Julia mentioning Leeyum, all of the members of One Erection have been mentioned: Larry Fashions, Leeyum Pain, Zane Mylick, Nile Horne, and Louie Westmanlinson.
  • Bruno, the guy who allegedly kept texting Chelsey, is a reference to... Manatee12!
  • Devin's sign on the fort, "RACK $ITY," alludes to the song of a similar name by Tyga.
  • Arthur's "I sit on you" line alludes to a sketch from the show Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!.
  • Ori was eliminated because I had no ideas whatsoever for him, and the Devin/Ori plot would get old after a while.

Chapter 3

  • Wolfgang yelling "I AM BEHIND YOU!" comes from the picture quote of Butch, a character in Animal Crossing who has the same personality as Wolfgang.
  • The little tourist-y town is based on Cannon Beach, Oregon, which is a couple hours from where relatives of mine live.
  • This was one of my favorite challenges to write, mostly because there were barely any action scenes and it was mostly interactions.
  • Gertrude Flabberman, the name on Roz's phone, became a wiki meme for a brief period and turned into a character in roleplays and my failed Survivor: India fanfic.
  • The Vulture Chronicles is probably the first Helga book that isn't a parody. I basically modeled the plot after random teen drama fantasy books.
  • I actually used to pronounce lingerie as "ling-er-ee"... until I took French.
  • Once again, Devin sings a horrible rap song that doesn't deserve to be music, namely "Snapbacks and Tattoos" by some obscure rapper I can't remember the name of.
  • games. is obviously a parody of fun., and The Calves a parody of the Shins. Sheepyay is a parody of Gotye, and the song mentioned is Somebody That I Used To Know.
  • PJ was one of the most popular characters, but I had no ideas for her and "..." would get old very quickly if I kept her in. I only really brought her back to the story for fanservice, anyway, and always planned on booting her second again.

Chapter 4

  • The Fire Truck Game is a game one of my friends taught me a while ago. It seemed perfect for Arthur.
  • The Kavren scene was written back when Gangnam Style was huge, but I took a huge break between that part and the rest of the chapter.
  • Arthur's reasons why he hates Uncle Arturo are based on something one of the strange girls in my 10th grade language arts class was talking about. (Minus a few, of course. See if you can guess.)
  • One Direction teddy bears actually exist, I think. I saw some Justin Bieber ones in a store and was inspired.
  • Layla's "I am NOT a hobo" line wasn't meant to be a reference to anything, but Mana pointed the resemblance to lyrics in a Marina and the Diamonds song, and it definitely fits.
  • Arthur is dressed as RC Saint-Amour from Survivor: Philippines, who I was in love with at the time.
  • Tolkien is shown lip-syncing to "Good Time" by Owl City and Carly Rae Jepsen, which was some unfunny meme a while ago on chat.
  • Elena's whining about her exchange student, complete with the parmesan spice line, is from a real conversation that I overheard.
  • "NYARGLEBARGLE!", the phrase Smoothie Guy yells, is a phrase that Bowser Jr. yells in Paper Mario: Sticker Star.
  • It is unknown how Smoothie Guy knows who JERealize is.
  • Another Gangnam Style joke appears, this one was completely random and I have no idea why I included it.

Chapter 5

  • The title is based on generic wrestling match names. Poetry Slam Dunk was originally going to be the title, but I realized that Sprink already had a chapter in one of his stories called that.
  • I've been wanting Arthur to mention the phrase "rustle [one's] jimmies" for a while now, and I'm glad I included it. Harry Richards is... an immature joke.
  • The Adventures of Puckleberry Jake, the book Helga reads, is an obvious parody of the book Huckleberry Finn.
  • Brick Boss is a reference to the rapper Rick Ross.
  • Thanks to Mana for helping me come up with the team swap idea, when I was talking to him in PM about running out of ideas for writing. The team swap was mostly done to create new interactions, namely Arthur/Julia, Wolfgang/Helga, Layla/Veronica, and Nic/Chrissy.
  • When writing Trey's "my life is like a fart" line, I completely forgot that Wolfgang said it after being eliminated in Total Drama Tokyo. Adding Wolfgang's line made it funnier.
  • Lizza was originally going to compete, still with a changed personality, but since I took her out, I decided to give her a cameo.
  • Hippo and Polonium's names come from trolls on Survivor Sucks. Hippo's design is modeled after Pendleton Ward (the creator of Adventure Time) and Polo's is based on a drawing one of my friends did of a generic hipster.
  • Devin says "hell breezy," which is kind of a wiki meme said whenever someone says "I'm done," referencing a horrible song by Chris Brown.
  • Elena's "Oh-em-eff-goddess" line is a reference to one of the aforementioned trolls on Sucks' sockpuppets, known as "OMFG.oddess."
  • The thing that Wolfgang says after being woken up alludes to Rasputin's death (at least in urban legends).
  • Estrella's "Who?" line is based on a Survivor meme about someone who I have no idea who they are.
  • Layla is shown to be included in tabloids because she's a very famous figure in media for doing nothing but being rich, similar to Paris Hilton.
  • I eliminated Devin because he was boring to write for, and was just like Ori.

Chapter 6

  • Adolescent Giants is a (lazily made) reference to Teen Titans, a favorite show of mine that had a decently sized fanbase on Tumblr.
  • Puck's "You're a weirdo, Wolfie!" line is a direct quote from the Epic Rap Battle of History, Skrillex vs Mozart.
  • In addition, Puck saying "hilar" was based on a conversation on chat where someone (TBTDIF, I think) said "does anyone say hilar?" and Mana and I said "Puck" simultaneously.
  • GERecognize is an obvious reference to JERealize, which is strange because Smoothie Guy directly referenced him in an earlier chapter.
  • The book Helga is reading is a parody of "Swim The Fly," one of my favorite books.
  • Arthur's porn line is a reference to a song in Avenue Q.
  • The skit challenge was going to be a chapter earlier, because Kavren's elimination was originally one chapter earlier and I had always planned to have Kavren get out in the skit challenge.
  • The song Arthur sings is a song by Marina and the Diamonds called "The State of Dreaming."
  • Alex's name in the skit is a combination of multiple notable Russian historical figures, all featured in an Epic Rap Battle of History.
  • I got the idea of One Rejection from a picture I drew the summer before with five of my male characters dressed as 1D, but I had to make some changes to the line-up, since Nic and Alex were on the other team.
  • The Portuguese segment of the song that Arthur sings is a reference to Nissim Ourfali's hit single "Bar Mitzvah," a wiki meme.
  • Helga's second book is such an obvious reference that I don't even feel like explaining it.
  • Kavren originally got extremely far, like to the final seven. He wasn't very well-liked by Mana, though, and I felt like Arthur should have more interactions with others such as Julia, plus I had a really hard time writing for Kavren this time without making him too obnoxious or cringey.

Chapter 7

  • I had a really hard time coming up with a bad pun for the chapter title, so I just used a crappy alliteration.
  • Chelsey talking about "Smellena" comes from a conversation in an early episode of Drake & Josh, where Josh tried to convince Drake that his girlfriend liked Josh.
  • Puck references another Marina and the Diamonds song, this one being Power & Control, and finally makes a reference to Oceania & The Pearls, who is obviously based on Marina.
  • The challenge this chapter is a challenge from Survivor, due to me being lazy.
  • Yes, someone finally twerks in this chapter, it had to happen eventually. Obviously, Puck was the one to do it.
  • Nic singing "Whistle baby" is a reference to the sockpuppet Fann Y Fiction the BiggestdbagbesidesJake, who would come onto chat and sing that song.
  • Katie Downton is an obvious reference to the swimsuit model Kate Upton.
  • I felt really bad eliminating MacKenzie this early, but she's really just not fit for my types of stories, and I didn't want to keep her in and make her completely invisible. She was also the member of the "boring" three who I didn't have any plots for.

Chapter 8

  • I didn't want to make an awful fishing pun, and had no ideas whatsoever on what to name the chapter, so I went with The Generic Fishing Chapter.
  • The Chelsey/Wolfgang popularity scene was actually written about a month before the rest of the chapter, during one of the free write sessions at a writing camp I went to.
  • Elena's dead rat line is a reference to Sammy the Dead Rat, a "character" from the book Sideways Stories from Wayside School.
  • Dogfish is an obvious reference to Catfish, and the scene about that was written when BB said he was watching Catfish on chat.
  • Big Dwayne and Head Nedd are lazy references to Lil Wayne and Chief Keef.
  • I was going to do a fishing challenge the chapter before, but didn't because Bruno had just released a chapter of Total Drama: Paradise Falls featuring a fishing challenge, so I pushed it back one chapter.
  • Arthur calling Trey "Matt" was a complete accident, and was written because I was thinking about EnTrey, whose name happens to be Matt. I kept in the line because it was pretty hilarious.
  • Arthur calling himself "The Douche" is a reference to a character of the same name in various mini Survivor fics that I've made.
  • Puck saying "Just getting swole" is another instance of Puck's outdated, cringey slang.
  • Zane and Perry are references to Zayn Malik and his alleged relationship with Perrie Edwards, one of the singers of the "female equivalent" of One Direction, Little Mix.
  • I didn't really like Trick or Alex, but I needed Trick for a couple more things, and Alex didn't really bring anything to the story.

Chapter 9

  • The chapter title is a horrible play on one of the Beatles' songs, All You Need Is Love.
  • Nic saying "swaggy" is an obvious reference to Justin Bieber's use of the "word" in his infamous song, Boyfriend. Also, the fact that I saw someone on Tumblr say it while I was writing the chapter didn't help.
  • Estrella's "NYAAAH" scene is a reference to a short video Elizabeth Gillies (who plays Jade West, a character Estrella was inspired by) posted on Instagram, of her singing a line from the song "Blurred Lines" and unexpectedly screeching extremely loudly.
  • The fact that Chelsey watches Teen Wolf, and has a crush on the main character, is based on the fact that quite a few of the girls I know were very... vocal about their love for the show and the actors.
  • The book Helga reads is a parody of The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
  • The love note challenge was planned from the very first draft of TDSS, but it wasn't a challenge at first, simply a cutscene after the challenge. I had no ideas for a challenge, though, and wanted interactions, so...
  • Chef's scene was added completely because I felt like I hadn't been including him enough at all.
  • Julia's "conked in the noggin" line is taken directly from yet another thing I wrote at the writing camp I went to. In fact, the character who said the line was originally meant to be Julia.
  • The Hopalong Ralphcakes lost the challenge, but I literally had no idea who to eliminate, because everybody needed at least one more chapter to wrap up their plot. The Swagged Out Citrus Fruits giving up immunity was inspired by Manono's giving up immunity in episode four of Survivor: One World.
  • Once again, Arthur's tampon story was written at the writing camp I went to. It's also based on a true story, but obviously I took some artistic liberties.
  • Arthur's "I was at the end of my rope, man, I was FRIED" quote is, if I remember correctly, a reference to a Shane Powers quote from Survivor: Panama
  • Charles's lavish lifestyle is implied to be a result of him winning the money from Total Drama Tokyo, to all the people who didn't guess.
  • Trick's elimination was meant to be obvious, but as explained earlier, I had nobody else to eliminate, and he was generally disliked by readers.
  • Due to Trick's elimination, Chelsey is now the highest-placing character from Total Drama Revolution. I didn't mean to eliminate them all early, it was pretty much coincidental.

Chapter 10

  • I am very aware that the first chapter of Total Drama: Tiki Jungle has the same name pun as this chapter, but I was feeling extremely lazy. I'm really bad at naming chapters, if you couldn't already tell.
  • Trey pretending to be gay was originally a one-time gag, but I really liked writing for it and figured it'd allow for interesting dynamics, so I decided to make it more important. Chelsey also felt like the exact type of girl who'd obsess over having a "gay best friend." 
  • Helga's book is a parody of "The Fault In Our Stars," and this was written far before the book became mainstream. 
  • The second I found out Alejandro was returning for the new season of Total Drama, I needed Nic to reference it in some way. Him calling Al a "fierce queen" is based on the jargon of Survivor Sucks, a Survivor fan forum.
  • Versace, Puck's fish, is named after a fashion brand, as well as apparently a rap song by Drake or something.
  • Roz's brief Chappy/ice cream store story is a true story that I experienced when going on a trip with Chappy himself.
  • The double elimination was caused because I wanted to get to the next chapter, but I didn't really think it was a good idea looking back because it forced me to choose to eliminate characters I really liked.
  • Elena was originally going to get to the final seven, but she was too similar to Chelsey for my liking, and didn't have the interactions with Trey/Wolfgang that Chelsey had, so I viewed her as the more expendable out of the two.
  • Chrissy was extremely hard to eliminate, I loved her and really wanted to keep her but couldn't think of any more ways she could fit into the plot.

Chapter 11

  • This chapter was a chapter I was looking forward to for quite a few months, I actually planned out everything that happened in it a couple months before I actually started writing it. It's now one of my favorite chapters.
  • The title is a pun on the movie series The Fast and the Furious.
  • Nic's "She knows she wants it" line and "#NIC" is a reference to the song "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke, and its music video where the floating hashtag "#THICKE" pops up numerous times.
  • Helga's book, “The Positively False Diary of a Full-Time Native American," is a parody of The Absolutely True Diary Of A Part-Time Indian, a book I recently finished reading.
  • Puck saying “Nah, nah, nah! Nah, nah, nah!” is a reference to an episode of Drake & Josh, where Josh dressed up as a hippie to avoid being mistaken for a criminal.
  • This was always planned to be the challenge. Originally, it was going to take place late at night, and the Ralphcakes' car was going to run out of gas, but I didn't want the chapter to be TOO long.
  • The Party Car(ty) is one of my favorite scenes from any chapter.
  • I really enjoyed writing for all the "humorous" characters in this chapter, I just kind of had an excuse to make them extremely obnoxious.
  • "Cirie" on Chelsey's phone alludes to Siri, and also referenced how I thought Cirie Fields from Survivor's name was pronounced like "Siri" until watching her seasons.
  • Hippo's cameo was thought of on the spot, but I really enjoyed it. For the food he ate, I literally looked up the most obscure McDonald's meal.
  • Gary saying "I beg to differ!" is a reference to a troll on Survivor Sucks.
  • Part of the drive-thru scene was inspired by "Weird Al" Yankovic's epic, "Trapped in the Drive-Thru."
  • Puck saying "finna" is a saying nobody says, and his name "Tyrone Velaquess" is the name of one of CK's sockpuppets.
  • I decided to give Casey a cameo because I felt bad about not including her in the story and wanted her to get a chance to shine, and also I became better friends with the person I designed her after so I had more material.
  • The gibberish Casey says upon meeting Chelsey is the exact same as the gibberish she said in Tokyo, on the same occasion.
  • Riley Ghetsis is a parody of Miley Cyrus, and I don't know why it took me so long to come up with one.
  • I didn't want anyone to debut at first, but then realized Gary would be a fun addition to the story. Despite my love of writing for Casey, I thought she couldn't really do much other than interact with Puck (who was eliminated anyway) and Chelsey.
  • Wolfgang and Helga's beach scene was written more than a year before the rest of the story, during the summer of 2012. I was hesitant at first, since it was one of the first non-comedic things I had written, but then I showed the scene to Rhonda, asked for critique, and she enjoyed it, which helped me include it in the chapter.
  • Eliminating Puck was hard to do, since he was such a main character, but I wanted Wolfgang to have plots without Puck. His elimination (and the circumstances surrounding it) was planned from the start of the story.
  • This chapter was deliberately designed to be similar to "I See London..." from TDWT. Both include a large focus on a team (CIRRRRH/Ralphcakes) and two contestants in particular (Noah and Owen/Wolfgang and Puck), and end in a contestant debuting, a comedic character being eliminated, and a relationship starting.

Chapter 12

  • The song Layla sings is "MANiCURE" by Lady Gaga, a song I was obsessed with at the time of writing the chapter.
  • Gary references edgic in a confessional of his, which is a system that certain people use to predict the winners of reality shows based on editing.
  • I was really excited that Total Drama All-Stars was airing while I was writing this story so I could make Nic mimick Alejandro's antics in the season.
  • Arthur calling Trey "Mattzenjammer" is a shout-out to the band Katzenjammer, which I had just gotten into.
  • The National Ocean Sciences Bowl that Mr. Chapman references is a real thing that I went to in February of 2014, and the questions were taken from the official website.
  • Arthur saying "ziNGG" is a reference to an autocorrect that Owenandheatherfan made on chat.
  • I definitely regret eliminating Helga this early. I was actually planning to have her get far, but I was worried about both her and Wolfgang's characters deteriorating if I kept both of them in for longer. I also felt like Wolfgang was more versatile of a character, but it's still one of the eliminations I wish I had written better.

Chapter 13

  • The chapter's title is a reference to "The Family Jewels," the first album by Marina and the Diamonds, one of my favorite singers.
  • Picky Steve's Lock-Picking Camp, where Arthur went, is a camp known to be attended by Harold prior to Total Drama Action.
  • Gary and his brother reference the infamous Doge meme.
  • The family members' introductions were some of my favorite scenes out of any of my stories, I loved writing their interactions with the contestants and how different they all were.
  • Uncle Arturo was actually originally planned to come as Arthur's loved one, but realized that there was less known about Arthur's mom and thought she'd be funnier.
  • Estrella's uncle Aurelio is named and modeled after musician Voltaire.
  • Larry, Gary's older brother, was first mentioned in Gary's Total Drama School biography.
  • Julia's friend May was inspired by the fact that the girl Julia was inspired by had a friend who seemed to look very Arthur-esque.
  • Nic's stepsister Christina, from the scrapped version of Total Drama Tokyo, was originally supposed to appear, but I realized that Alejandro would be much, much funnier. In hindsight, I'm really glad I didn't introduce a character based on Christina Grimmie into the story.
  • Speaking of the scrapped version of Tokyo, Keenan, Trey's brother, was originally a contestant in it.
  • Wolfgang's brother Kyle is also a reference to a character from Animal Crossing, and his sister Whitney, who was mentioned, is too.
  • Donnie Bradke is a reference to Ronnie Radke, lead singer of Falling In Reverse.
  • I had originally planned for Arthur liking Julia to just be a throwaway gag when he mentioned it to Kavren in an earlier chapter, but since I was running out of non-comic relief ideas for the two, I decided to make it into a full plot.
  • Estrella was originally meant to go one episode further, with her overstrategizing continuing, but everyone else needed an extra episode and I figured Estrella's plot could be wrapped up easily.
  • Julian's cameo wasn't planned at all until Bruno and Rhonda expressed their love for Julian and Estrella's relationship and wished that it would be resolved.

Chapter 14

  • The title of this chapter is a reference to the Britney Spears song "If U Seek Amy."
  • The chapter's title, challenge premise, and cameo were all taken from a conversation that I had on Facebook with COKEMAN11.
  • "Freddit," the site Gary browses, as well as "fr/totaldrama" are references to the site Reddit and its 'subreddits,' where many nerds reside.
  • Plaid is the Next Brown, the show Layla is seen watching, is a reference to Orange is the New Black, a show that most of the wiki was obsessed with at the time of writing this chapter.
  • Gail, despite being a really disliked character in her original story, has since turned into some sort of weird meme, and is ironically loved by lots of people who read my stories, so I decided to bring her back (with a new, vengeful persona) for a chapter.
  • Rhonda nailed it when she said that the "mysterious, life-threatening material" was similar to the gag used for Vance in Total Drama: Tiki Jungle. It's actually the same substance.
  • Julia talking about Arthur's "soft, @#$%ty body" is a reference to a top-tier Cards Against Humanity card.
  • Nic's quote when he gives Veronica his shirt is a reference to a memetic phrase from the original Legend of Zelda game.
  • Wolfgang yelling "Don't you want to know how I keep starting fires?!" is a reference to a lyric from the song "Danger! High Voltage" by Electric Six, which is a memetic song around the wiki. I may or may not have included that entire scene just to drop that reference.
  • The "Norwegian furniture company" Veronica mentions is alluding to Swedish furniture company IKEA.
  • I honestly didn't even want Charles to leave again, since his relationship with Layla is one of my favorite things to write for. I needed to to advance the plot, though.
  • Veronica was originally going to be a pre-merge boot, being booted right after Puck, but I felt like that would just make people question her inclusion in the story. I had contemplated having her win for a while, but realized that she didn't really have too many plots left and worked best as an early merge boot.
  • I'm extremely glad I brought Veronica back to this story, since I took a pretty unpopular/unknown character and made her an interesting, funny, and likable one.

Chapter 15

  • The title of the chapter is a reference to the Marina and the Diamonds song "Power and Control."
  • Vance's return was something I needed to do, and I'm glad I was able to fit it in. I brought Vance back after hearing the name of the singer "Vance Joy."
  • The love note plot was something I actually completely forgot about, but then realized that I couldn't just bring it up and have no explanation, so I needed to wrap it up somehow and I think Arthur fit pretty well into it.
  • One of the main reasons I brought Gary back was to be able to revive the Arthur/Nic/Gary/Trey dynamic, which is something I definitely think I succeeded at.
  • Wolfgang getting angry over the incorrect usage of the word 'literally' is a reference to SG.
  • "House Deputy" is a reference to Home Depot.
  • The confessional by Chelsey after the challenge includes lyrics from "Shake It Off" by Taylor Swift, a song I could definitely see Chelsey listening to.
  • Including Gary in the story was a pretty polarizing decision, I think, but I don't really regret putting him in or eliminating him so soon after I made him debut. I do agree with Rhonda's thoughts about his inclusion, though, saying that he can't really compare to the newer characters and is kind of old news. I think it's really interesting to see how my characters have changed and become less one-note over the years.

Chapter 16

  • This chapter is an homage to a previous chapter in Total Drama Revolution, Super Smash Sisters, mostly due to the new game in the Super Smash Bros. series coming out soon after the time that I was writing the chapter.
  • Trey saying "Basically, I'm a badass" and later Nic saying "Trust me. Count on it." are both homages to Survivor: San Juan del Sur contestant Drew Christy.
  • Arthur's Famished-Male Microwaveable Dinner™ is a reference to a "Hungry-Man" frozen dinner I ate once that had well over 1,000 calories.
  • "Speed the Porcupine" is a reference to Sonic the Hedgehog, "Townsperson" is a reference to Villager from the Animal Crossing series, "Shelk" is a reference to Shulk from Xenoblade (and Wolfgang saying "I'm really feeling it!" is a reference to a meme about Shulk, too), "Cavecraft" is a reference to Minecraft, and "Loch" is a reference to Ness from EarthBound.
  • Vincent's hair is an allusion to what his design was back when he was a contestant in this story.
  • Flora forfeiting the match was actually an excuse for me not wanting to write tons and tons of fight scenes.
  • "Catherine Obvious" is a joke originally from the show Victorious, which was also used in Northworth's audition tape.
  • Layla's quit was planned since the beginning of the story, I didn't know how to go about it until I brought Charles back for the reward. She was originally going to leave much, much earlier, like chapter 8 or something, but due to her extremely positive reception I kept her in for a while. I like to think she's one of the greatest characters I've ever made.

Chapter 17

  • The title of this chapter, which was decided at the very last second (as usual), is a nod to a local band, Lights & Caves, that performed at one of the summer camps I went to.
  • I'm actually not entirely sure why I included a Halloween challenge when I posted this chapter nowhere near Halloween, but I think I first planned it thinking I would release it by Halloween... the year before.
  • Principal O'Shaughnessy, mentioned in Julia's rant, is a reference to an unseen character of the same name from Key & Peele's "Substitute Teacher" skits.
  • Nic continues his pattern of referencing trainwrecky Survivor contestants with his "open forum" to vote out Trey, which was a reference to Garrett Adelstein from Survivor: Cagayan doing the same thing (and failing).
  • The masked figure with the sack who grabs Chelsey was originally going to be Dolph, but I realized I really didn't want to write for him and it would also make the chapter even longer, so the figure's identity was accidentally left up in the air.
  • Julia saying "your ass is going to get REAMED" is a reference to a YouTube video entitled "I MIGHT Boycott Bath & Body Works RANT!".
  • Nic "putting on his three C's" is a reference to Survivor: Worlds Apart's Rodney Lavoie, Jr., although the conversation ended much differently in this case.
  • Sharissa's (extremely brief) cameo was decided at the last minute, and it was inspired by Izzy's similar routine back in Total Drama Island.
  • Nic was one of my favorite characters to write for, just because of the sheer absurdity of basically everything he said. He was originally going to continue his feud with Trey and make it to the final four, but I felt like the other characters could use a bit more fleshing out in their plots and he was slightly more expendable, sadly.
  • Part of Nic's closing speech was directly copied from Alejandro's elimination speech in Total Drama All-Stars.

Chapter 18

  • The title, which may be my worst pun yet, is a play on Pride & Prejudice, obviously.
  • Ten Minutes of Winter is a parody of 5 Seconds of Summer, and Flora ditching 1E for them seems to actually be an extremely realistic pattern among certain teen girls.
  • The second I found out Zayn was leaving One Direction, I knew I had to reference it in some capacity with Julia, and I forgot about that for a while until Rhonda offhandedly referenced it in a PM, which gave me some pretty great ideas for the chapter. So thanks, Rhonda!
  • Arthur discussing 'Webflicks and relax' is, of course, a reference to the "Netflix and chill" meme.
  • Trey finally snapping and yelling at Chelsey was not originally going to happen, but I realized I had to progress his story somehow and figured that it would make for some more juicy interactions.
  • Julia and Arthur were always planned to exit right after each other, with Arthur placing ahead of Julia, but it wasn't originally going to be a double elimination. The idea for the double elimination came when I got the idea for the wedding challenge.
  • It was really sad to say goodbye to Julia and Arthur, as they're two of my favorite characters to write for ever - it seemed like it was a perfect time for them to go though, since they were heavily focused-on for two whole stories and some people seemed to be maybe getting tired of them.

Chapter 19

  • The title of this chapter is a pun on the "Choose Your Own Adventure" book series. 
  • Most of the reason I did this losers' chapter was to tie up loose ends involving some of the characters and their plots/changes that I didn't exactly enjoy after looking back on (such as Ori's change into a Devin wannabe, Chrissy's change into a hipster, Tolkien's quasi-plot with Roz, etc.).
  • Darryl Gerard's past of being a rock star and his scandal of smuggling 88 pounds of a suspicious substance into Canada are a shout-out to one of my friends' dads, who had some similar issues.
  • After thinking about it, I really regret not having Casey debut instead of Gary, so I felt like this type of chapter was the perfect time to include lots and lots of her.
  • Abbey and Kavren's relationship ending was decided to happen because of the realism of relationships that age usually not lasting all that long, as well as the fact that neither I nor any of the readers really liked that ship at all anyway.
  • At this point, Tolkien is basically just a representation of myself in high school, as well as a couple other people thrown in there. The curly blonde haired girl that he matched with on Tinder is an allusion to one of my crushes at that point in time.
  • Despite Tolkien being much more into Roz than Ari at the time, I don't feel like the two are too compatible - especially since Tolkien falls super hard, super fast for women while Roz more just has hookups. Tolkien and Ari were planned to be together from the start of Tokyo, but obviously I didn't expect it to be as bumpy as it was.
  • I feel like Gary is the exact type of person who would be looking at rare Pepes. 
  • The idea of Puck, Casey, Wolfgang, and Helga going on a double date to Burrito King is actually something that I've considered writing a brief one-shot about after this story ends. 

Chapter 20

  • The chapter title is a pun on the game Trivial Pursuit.
  • I was originally considering a 3-person finale with Trey getting out in the penultimate chapter, or the race to Revolution City. This chapter was made when I realized that giving Trey a downfall episode would probably be more fun.
  • Roz's favorite band, Psychotic Clown Horde, is a reference to Insane Clown Posse. Roz seems like the type who would be a Juggalo.
  • Chelsey referring to herself as a "strategic goddess" is an allusion to a certain nickname Survivor Sucks came up with for contestant Julia Sokolowski. 
  • Originally, Flora and Trey had swapped places, with Trey being voted out right before the finale. However, I felt like the antagonist getting 3rd place trope had been done to death at this point, and Flora needed at least one more chapter to finish up her story. 
  • Trey was one of my favorite characters to write for this time around. I didn't know what I was going to do with him for the first few chapters, but I'm really proud of the plot I ended up giving it him, I feel like it ended up being decently realistic and in-character too. 

Chapter 21

  • The chapter title is a pun on the term "culture shock."
  • Chelsey listening to Beyonce on the bus is a shout-out to Rhonda, who once guessed in a ranking blog that Chelsey was a Beyonce fan (she definitely seems like the type who would be). 
  • Smoothie Guy's exclamation, "GRA-BLAGHY!", is a quote said by O'Chunks from Super Paper Mario. The S.S. Crappyboatthatbreakseasily's replacement, the Sloop Smoothie G, is a shout-out to the Beach Boys song "Sloop John B."
  • I wanted to bring back Helga for this chapter because I wasn't sure if I would be able to fit enough Wolfgang/Helga interactions into the finale, and I felt bad about eliminating Helga so abruptly. Wolfgang's initial way of interacting with Helga was taken from personal experience.
  • The character of Big Johnson was created because I wanted a new way to harass Chelsey in the finale. I wasn't sure how debuting a new character so close to the end of the series would go, but I ended up loving Big Johnson.
  • Flora ended up being one of my favorite characters of all time thanks to this story. I actually got genuinely sad writing her ending scene, but I think it was a great send-off for her. 

Chapter 22

  • This chapter was posted on the 4-year anniversary of the day that the first chapter was posted. 
  • Wolfgang's sister, Whitney, is also a reference to an Animal Crossing character and was originally a contestant in my canceled Survivor fanfiction, Survivor: India. She later appears as a contestant in Total Drama Lakeside!
  • Chelsey's family, on the other hand, was based on your average rich suburban family that can be found in my hometown. Her brother Dylan was named after wikia user GhostNoises, for no real reason. 
  • Writing all about where the old contestants are now was one of my favorite parts of the chapter. I tried to have as many of them speak as possible, especially the obscure ones like Ricky and Mattie.
  • Smoothie Guy's appearance was actually added after I finished writing the chapter and I was proofreading it for the final time, because I realized I couldn't have a finale without a Smoothie Guy appearance.
  • The idea to have the contestants vote was partly because I hate writing action-packed finale challenges, and partly due to the interesting interactions it would create. I figured I should throw Chris in there for some excitement, though.
  • Elena was originally going to help Chelsey instead of Donny, but I figured that wouldn't add anything other than rehashed interactions and I wanted to explore Chelsey and Donny's relationship more.
  • Elle's "are you ready to rock the party?" line comes from a running gag from the TV show Flight of the Conchords.
  • Wolfgang was planned to win the season from the second I decided he would be in the cast. At various brief points I considered Chelsey, Flora, and Veronica as possible winners, but otherwise I was very confident with Wolfgang's win. 
  • At a certain point, Wolfgang acted as an avatar of the present-day version of myself. I like to think of the timeline as Kavren representing me in 8th/9th grade, Tolkien being me in 10th/11th grade, and Wolfgang being me from 12th grade to the start of college. 
  • One thing that I kept in mind while writing this finale was trying to make sure that the characters ended with as fitting and happy of endings as possible:
    • Wolfgang obviously winning the season, solidifying his relationship with Helga, and bonding with other people, especially Flora, Chelsey, and even (shockingly) Puck and Casey.
    • Chelsey, despite coming up short, learning a small lesson about popularity from Flora, formally getting together with Donny, and deciding to actually start being nicer to others.
    • Flora finally conquering her quest to not be boring by winning the fan favorite prize, and then splitting it with Chelsey.
    • Trey having a heart-to-heart chat with Wolfgang about what he can do to better himself, and going on a journey of self-reflection. 
    • Arthur and Julia not despising each other nearly as much as they did at the beginning of Tiki Jungle.
    • Layla learning to appreciate, and forming a bond with, Charles, and the two going back to happily living together at the end.  
    • Tolkien finally getting over Roz and sharing a nice conversation with Ari. 
  • I'm genuinely really glad I wrote (and finished) this thing. Thanks to everyone who read it and supported it throughout these four years! 
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