There may be some content not for younger kids. However, there is nothing here they wouldn't say on the Total Drama series.
Chapter 1- "Saying homina four times doesn't count as rhyming."
This chapter is brought to you by Toad.
"Hello, everyone!" says Chris, who seems to be in some sort of city. "You probably know who I am. I'm Chris McLean, the host of Total Drama! Now, I've decided to make an all new season. You know how teens these days love certain singers, TV shows, and that kind of whatnot? Well, I've decided to take advantage of this opportunity, and do a whole season about pop culture! I call this, Total Drama Culture! Let's meet our 18 contestants now."
A girl steps off the bus, with a long ponytail, blond hair, and blue clothing. She is seen eating a can of mints.
"Minttu! Welcome!" says Chris.
"Hey, Chris." says Minttu. "I'm, like, super-excited to be here! I mean, my brother's here too, so that kind of sucks, because he's all cold and strategic, but I'm gonna win!"
"That's nice." says Chris. "So, how do you feel about the theme this season?"
"What's a theme?" asks Minttu.
"Never mind." says Chris. "So, who's your brother?"
"His name's Saku." says Minttu. "There he is!"
A blond boy comes out of the bus, who resembles Minttu a lot. He wears a shirt depicting Finland's flag, and has a sketchy grin.
"Oh yeah, and he speaks Finnish." says Minttu.
"Senkin paskiainen, Chris. Miksi teet minulle rekisteröityä tämä paska?" says Saku coldly.
"I did not understand a word you just said." says Chris.
"He said..." thinks Minttu. "Actually, I don't know if you wanna hear it."
"Let's meet our next contestant." says Chris. "His name's Lemmie, and he cannot really sit still."
"Tämä tulee olemaan iloa." says Saku sarcastically.
A small boy steps out of the bus, riding on a beach ball. His appearance is very odd indeed, with a yellow, pink, and blue mohawk, a golden shirt with a star on it, spiked wristbands, and red sweatpants. He has a lazy eye as well.
"Hi, everyone!" says the boy. "Ready to have some fun?"
"This is Lemmie." says Chris. "He speaks in rhymes."
"Yes, that is true! What about you?" shrieks Lemmie.
"I talk normally, because I am normal." says Saku coldly.
"Jeez, bro, don't be so harsh." says Minttu.
"Hey, is that a gym?" asks Lemmie. "I'm gonna go check it out! Sauerkraut."
"Hapankaali?" asks Saku skeptically.
"Hey, man, rhyming can be hard. It's not like I'm a bard." says Lemmie.
"All right, everyone." says Chris. "I think we've met Lemmie. Let's move on to our next contestant. I'm warning you, she's a bit scary."
An attractive girl wearing an elegant dress, ripped tights, and a ruby necklace steps off the bus.
"Homina homina homina homina." says Lemmie.
"Hey, saying homina four times doesn't count as rhyming." says Chris skeptically.
"Hi." says the girl blandly.
"You're Diana, right?" asks Chris.
"Yes. That's my name." says Diana. "You will die in 2045, by getting hit by a subway car after getting laser eye surgery."
Chris is frightened. "How do you know that?"
"I know everything." says Diana darkly.
"You are sort of horrifying." says Minttu.
"Thanks." says Diana. She sees a flower, then steps on it.
"Diana, please stand over there." says Chris.
Diana follows his directions.
"Let's meet Flannery. Hopefully, she can make us all happy again." says Chris.
Another attractive girl comes out. This one is wearing a skimpy shirt with a fireball on it, and has red hair.
"Hey, guys, I'm Flannery!" says the girl. "And I'm gonna take this competish to the max!"
"That's reassuring." says Diana.
"Who are you?" asks Flannery.
"The name's Diana." she says. "Do not wear it out."
"Cool. And I'm--" says Flannery.
"WE KNOW." interrupts Diana. "Flannery. And you're gonna take this competish to the max. Heard it already. Go talk to Lemmie or something."
"Pretty girl! I think I might hurl!" says Lemmie.
"Yeah, maybe not." says Flannery.
"Hiljaa, te hevosen takana." says Saku.
"Ladies and gentlemen, Ocean!" says Chris.
A boy wearing a track suit and a headband trips over the bus and falls flat on his face.
"Not only does he resemble Tyler, he also acts like him. We like characters like this." says Chris.
"Cool name." says Diana. "Oceans cause more than 1,000,000 deaths every year."
"Do not!" says Ocean.
"Um, yeah. Lookie here." says Diana, she opens up a book and shows him.
"Oh. But I'm in football and stuff!" says Ocean.
"Yeah. And I'm a pro basketball player." says Diana sarcastically.
"Wow, can you teach me some of your moves?" asks Ocean.
Diana stares at him, then begins to laugh hysterically. She walks away, towards Flannery.
"Here's Kaite." says Chris. "Be sure to give her a warm welcome."
A ginger girl holding a surfboard comes out of the bus.
"A Bridgette clone too?" asks Saku skeptically.
"We liked the originals, so we wanted some throwbacks." says Chris.
"Hi, I'm Kaite." says the girl.
"Name Ocean my is." says Ocean lovingly. Hearts pop up in his eyes. He then falls over.
"Nice to meet you, Ocean. I love your name. You know, I surf in the ocean." says Kaite.
"Thanks." says Ocean dreamily.
"Aww, our first relationship." says Chris.
"You are so pretty." says Ocean. He then falls asleep.
"Chris, knock it off." says Kaite. "You know that's not true."
"Young love." says another voice. "I remember my first boyfriend."
"Who is that?" asks Flannery.
"Xanthe." says the girl. She wears all black, and is reading "The Thirsty Games." She has a smug grin.
"Yes. Quite." says Xanthe, and walks away.
"All right, that was brief." says Chris. "Please meet Wil."
An extremely unusual looking boy steps out of the bus. He wears formal clothes resembling a waiter's, has purple hair, and is wearing a mask that covers his eyes.
Xanthe looks up from her book. "Wow."
"Hello, pals! I am Wilfred Wilson-Wiliams II! And yes, all of my names only have one L. My parents are a bit strange." says Wil.
"Kinda like you." snaps Saku.
"Well, at least I dress properly." says Wil. "I am quite beautiful." He twirls around, and puts a rose in his mouth.
"What gender are you?" asks Saku.
"I am a male, thank you very much." says Wil.
Saku says in the confessional, which is a bathroom with pink glitter on the walls, "Luultavasti tyttö."
"Let's meet Rydel." says Chris. "He's a bit sickly, but he's a good person on the inside."
A red-haired boy with snot all over his clothes comes out of the bus. "Hi." says the boy kindly. He then sneezes.
Everyone backs away, saying "Eww."
Minttu comes up to him. "Hi, I'm Minttu." she says nicely. She shakes his hand. "Here, you want a mint?"
"Wow, nobody has been this nice to me for a really long time." says Rydel. "Thanks. I'm Rydel."
"Sorry that everyone's being rude to you." she says. She gives him a hug, ignoring his snotty clothes.
"You're the first girl who has hugged me... besides my mom." says Rydel. "Thanks." He gets out a tissue and blows his nose.
"Ai, te kaksi minut voimaan pahoin." says Saku.
Minttu is about to say something else, but is interrupted by a loud "SHUT UP!!!" from the bus. A girl with a puffy vest steps out of the bus. "I don't want to make a friggin' alliance!"
A boy with headphones around his neck comes out as well. "Please? We'll be best buddies!"
"The show hasn't even started yet!" says the girl.
"But we can take everyone down!" says the boy.
The girl moon-walks away.
"No, we have not." says Zendaya. "This idiot won't shut up."
"Please." says Davis.
"No." shouts Zendaya.
Davis reaches in and kisses Zendaya.
"Now, do you want to?" asks Davis.
"You are the most disgusting person I've ever met!" screams Zendaya, and runs away.
"Everyone, this is Iggy." says Chris.
A boy steps out of the bus. This boy is very peculiar indeed. He wears a yellow shirt, green sweatpants with triangles on them, thick glasses, and has a tuft of green hair resembling broccoli.
"Brother! How's mother?" asks Lemmie.
"Hey, bro. I don't know." says Iggy.
"Hienoa, toinen rhymer." says Saku coldly.
"No, man. That was just once." says Iggy lazily.
Saku says in the confessional angrily, "He understands Finnish?"
"Boobies..." says Iggy, looking at another girl's chest.
"Would you knock it off?" says the other girl. "By the way, I'm Alejandra."
"Welcome to the show." says Chris.
"Boobies." says Iggy again.
"Security!" calls Alejandra. Chef comes, and drags Iggy away.
"All right," says Chris. "This is Gideon."
"In the dark recesses of the mind, a device called fear creeps upon the soul..." says a young man who resembles Arthur. He is wearing all gray clothing, with hair covering one eye and a red tie.
"Hello, pretty." says Diana.
"Ah, I see you are into dark things as well." says Gideon. "I am a poet, and I do know it."
"Nice." says Diana dreamily.
"Hey, baby! Get away from my lady!" says Lemmie.
"Those words don't even really rhyme. I'm a poet, so I should know." says Gideon.
A Japanese boy comes out of the bus, doing cartwheels and flips. "Hey, I'm Kunio! And I'm good at just about everything!"
"Welcome to the show, Kunio." says Chris.
"Aw, man. A threat." says Rydel.
"Don't worry." says Kunio. "I'm cool. You seem okay, too."
"Let's meet our last contestant, then we'll do the challenge that will determine teams." says Chris.
An attractive girl comes out of the bus, this one with auburn hair, pink slippers, a volletball tee, and sweatpants.
"Sammi, welcome." says Chris.
"Shut up." says Sammi. "If this challenge is about Jersey Shore, then I'm happy."
"It's your lucky day." says Chris. "It is. In today's challenge, you guys will have to pass this obstacle course with many violent interns, dress a dummy with a white tanktop, then punch it in the face!"
"Wow. Nice." says Kunio.
"Wait, who's that?" asks Rydel. He points to a blonde girl.
"Oh, that's Melanie." says Chris. "I sorta forgot to introduce her."
"Hey, guys." says Melanie. "I'm a CIT."
"A Courtney clone, too! My God!" screams Saku.
"All right, now that we've seen Melanie, let's start the challenge!" says Chris. Everybody begins to race.
Davis is having a hard time getting past the violent interns. "Owie!" he says when one kicks him in the crotch.
"Havin' a hard time, buttface?" asks Zendaya.
"No." says Davis.
Zendaya runs away. "Wait!" says Davis.
Lemmie is riding on his ball. "See ya at the end, my friend!" he says to Iggy.
"Aw, come on, bro." says Iggy. He then gets distracted by Alejandra running by. He quickly follows suit.
Rydel is already there. He is dressing the dummy, then punches it, very hard. "Chris, I just finished!"
"Good job, Rydel. Who knew that you were so fast?" asks Chris.
Melanie also comes to the finish line. "I'm done!" she says.
"Great job." says Chris.
Lemmie is wrestling his dummy. "EEEAAAUUUGH!" he screams.
"Uh, dude?" asks Chris.
"What? Chicken butt?" says Lemmie.
"Dude, you just have to punch it." says Chris.
"Oh, oh. Well, then why didn't you say so?" asks Lemmie.
"I did, actually." Chris slaps his forehead. "But you still won."
"Awesome! Boss 'em!" says Lemmie.
"What does that even mean?" says Chris.
"I dunno. Yellow snow." says Lemmie.
Everyone then arrives.
"Rydel, your team will be the Stupendous Singers, and that will be..." says Chris
"Wait, don't I get to pick?" asks Rydel.
"We're sorta low on time." says Chris. "You have Minttu, Alejandra, Davis, Sammi, and Saku."
"Oh, lord." says Saku. "My sister."
"Saku, you know you love me." says Minttu.
"Yes." says Saku. "Whatever."
"Melanie, your team will be the Deadly Dancers. That will be... Ocean, Wil, Kaite, Xanthe, and Kunio."
"Wow, an underdog team. Nice." says Xanthe, without even looking up from her book.
"And, finally, Lemmie's team will be Zendaya, Flannery, Iggy, Gideon, and Diana." says Chris.
"What's our name?" asks Lemmie.
"The Magical Whatnot." says Chris.
The Magical Whatnot groans. "Way to pick a cheap name." says Gideon.
"All right, everyone. Simmer down. Now, there will be no elimination tonight. But there will be, tomorrow! What will be the next challenge? Will friendships turn into relationships? And will Saku speak more English?"
"Todennäköisesti ei." says Saku.
"Find out next time on Total... Drama... Culture!" says Chris. The episode then ends.
Chapter 2- "Your voice is like a gentle rainshower on a weak roof."
This chapter is brought to you by Zinc.
Chris appears in front of the camera. "Last time on Total Drama Culture! We met the contestants... some more than others. To pick captains, we held a Jersey Shore challenge. But we ran out of time, and they didn't pick the teams. What will the next challenge be? Who will be the first team to lose? Is Iggy ever going to leave Alejandra alone? Find out right now!"
The Deadly Dancers are in their dorm room. It's designed to look like a dance studio.
Ocean is sitting in the confessional. "Kaite is hoooot."
Melanie and Ocean go up to Kaite. "So?" says Melanie.
"Okay, you two." says Kaite. "Everyone thinks we're unoriginal because we have similarities to TDI characters. Especially Saku. We don't need them telling us what to do. We need to stick together to take them out."
Ocean looks at Kunio. "Yeah, but how are we getting him out?"
Melanie raises an eyebrow. "It's obvious. Wil is the weakest link. We need to isolate Kunio's vote so we have a majority. Tell him to vote me off. Xanthe will vote with Wil. We have a 3-2-1 majority. Then we dominate."
Kaite silently applauds. "Okay, let's get to work."
Kunio is in the confessional. "Okay, Kaite, Melanie and Ocean are obviously allied, so I need to vote for who Xanthe would vote for. Because Wil isn't going to do anything wise."
"Too many twirls. Mother of pearl." commented Lemmie.
"Bouncing... boobies..." Iggy couldn't stop from drooling until Lemmie smacked him.
Diana looks at the cameraman. "You will die in 2011 when an angry competitor shoves a camera down your throat for invading her personal space." The camera backs away.
"Really?" asks Gideon.
"Maaaaybe." says Diana.
Flannery scoots away quietly.
The Stupendous Singers' dorm is themed like a recording studio. Davis and Alejandra are messing around with the sound system.
"This is awesome!" says Alejandra. "I'm so glad we got this room!"
"Me too. Your voice is like a gentle rainshower on a weak roof." Davis comments.
Alejandra feels awkward. "Errr... thanks?"
Minttu offers Rydel popcorn. Rydel thanks her and then sneezes in his hand.
Sammi stares at Rydel's snotty popcorn, which he throws out. "Can I have my own bag?" she asks.
Saku is writing in his notebook. The camera leans over his shoulder, revealing a detailed plan of his plots. He then turns around and covers the camera. "None of your business!"
Saku is in the confessional. "Chris, toivotan teille voisi palo kameramiehiä."
"Attention all artists! Report to the dining room immediately." Chris's voice booms on the loudspeaker.
"Artists?" asks Sammi skeptically.
An hour later, the contestants have had breakfast and met Chris in a large field.
"Your next challenge is based off a song - Firework by Katy Perry. Last team to make an explosion votes someone out, first team gets extra blankets and pillows, in case they forgot bedding. Chef will hand out a mirror, firewood, sand and flint. As soon as the Whatnot gets their materials, we will begin." Chris walks away.
Chef arrives with the materials and hands them out. The Whatnot gets theirs last, for fairness.
Chris and Chef reach a safe distance when suddenly a BOOM is heard.
Chris turns around and sees Iggy laughing maniacally as fireworks shoot from the Whatnot's work station.
Saku's eye twitches. Davis asks him for an alliance.
"As a matter of fact, yes," agrees Saku.
"Good work, Magical Whatnot!" says Chris. "You guys get twelve pillows and six comforters. The rest of you, if you hope to stay intact, get cracking."
Iggy is in the confessional. "I love explosions." He laughs again.
Melanie is in the confessional. "How--!" she begins.
Saku looks at Rydel. "Hey Rydel. How about, you, me, Davis and Minttu make an alliance?" he says in a firm and evil tone.
Saku is in the confessional. "All I need is Alejandra and the plan will begin."
Xanthe is desperately trying to start a fire by clonking flint together over a log. A spark flew. "Yes! Just a little more..."
Progress for the Singers is slow but steady. The girls are feeding firewood while the boys are throwing flint in the fire for some reason.
Then, CRACK! A firework zooms out of the Singers' pit. It fizzles.
"Aw, man! We almost had it." Minttu frowns. She takes out a mint.
"Umm..." begins Davis.
"Comfort food", replies Minttu.
Chris walks over to them. "You DID get a firework, even though it was a dud. But the song was Firework, not Explosion, so you get second!"
The Singers cheer.
"The Deadly Dancers, however, are sending someone home."
"Well, we all know who we're voting for," said Kunio, glaring at the alliance.
"Watch it." says Kaite firmly.
The Whatnot are having a pillow fight.
"Congrats on the explosion, Iggy!" says Diana.
"Why thank you," says Iggy, with his eyes slowly sinking.
Diana notices. "Never talk to me again." Iggy scratches his head.
Meanwhile, the Dancers are discussing their target.
"Yeah, Melanie's gotta go," says Kunio to Wil and Xanthe.
"Why?" asks Wil.
"She's a good player. This will hurt us, making us vote off someone again, and by then we have a majority." Kunio explains.
"Fair enough," says Xanthe.
Xanthe is in the confessional. "Okay, this may sound stupid, but it's only been a day and I'm crushing on Wil. He's so sweet and quiet. He's also beautiful." She twirls in a circle. "Yeah. And he's certainly the perfect boyfriend," she finishes sarcastically.
The Deadly Dancers are sitting in a small, somewhat dim room.
Chris appears in a camo shirt and corduroys. "I knew I looked good in camo. Anyways, the Gilded Chrises are back. If you don't get one, you walk through the Door. Where does the Door go? One thing's for sure. You only go through the Door once. If you're eliminated, you can't come back. EVER. Under your seats are your voting devices. Pick the name of the person you want to send home."
The Dancers pick up their devices.
"But don't vote yet. I have to ask you each a question, in the style of Survivor." Chris says. "Kunio, what are the relations between the others?"
"Well," begins Kunio, "There is an alliance of myself, Wil and Xanthe. The others are also in an alliance."
"Ocean, how do you feel about your team?"
"Not a lot of cooperation, but lots of spirit. We're obviously underdogs, but we can easily fix it by voting out the weakest link." Ocean says.
"Kaite, who is your target for today?"
"Wil," says Kaite.
"Xanthe, there are two groups of three and no swing votes. How can this affect the vote?"
"It might go down as a tiebreaker, but someone might goof or betray their alliance. I can't tell." explains Xanthe.
"Melanie, how good are your odds of staying tonight?"
"I think I'm at risk tonight, but probably not part of the bottom two."
"Wil, who's your target?"
"Either Ocean or Melanie," says Wil.
"Okay, cast your votes." Chris says.
Kaite, Ocean and Melanie grin at each other before voting.
Chris takes out a piece of paper. "The votes are in. The Gilded Chrises go to Kaite, Xanthe and Kunio." The three collect their trophies.
"Wil, some might think you're weird. Melanie, you're too nice and have the C.I.T. stereotype. Ocean, you're a klutz. The next Gilded Chris goes to... Ocean."
Melanie smirks at Wil. Wil looks worried, then Melanie begins worrying as well.
"The last marshmallow goes to...
"...Wil." Chris hands Wil the last Gilded Chris.
"What!?" say Melanie, Ocean and Kaite.
"That's right. It was almost a tie. But we've got some camera footage." Chris pulls in a TV.
The TV show Kaite, Ocean and Melanie grinning at each other. Kaite and Melanie vote for Wil. Ocean accidentally clicks his own name.
"That's right, Ocean voted for himself, saving Wil." The girls glare at him.
Ocean is in the confessional. "I guess I probably won't go out with Kaite, after voting out our ally and all."
Kaite and Melanie are sharing the confessional. "We shouldn't have trusted Ocean," says Kaite. Melanie shakes her head. She then holds up her luggage. "I can't believe I'm first to pack up, just because an idiot messes up a vote. I had so much C.I.T. training and experience and now, the Dancers are doomed. Thanks a lot, you screwball."
Chris is standing in front of the Dancers' dorm as Melanie walks by in the background. "And that concludes our second episode. Will the Whatnot keep getting lucky? Or will the Dancers be saved from their fate as our new Team Victory? Find out next time on Total! Drama! Culture!" The episode ends.
Chapter 3- "You're a monster - in both senses of the word!"
This chapter is brought to you by Zinc... again.
"Last time on Total Drama Culture, the contestants had to make a firework with minimal supplies. Iggy's mad pyro skills won the challenge, and a real klutzy move sent Melanie home. Who's going to follow her? What will the next challenge be? Will somebody throw up? Find out right now!"
The Stupendous Singers are jamming in their room.
"This is the coolest room in the entire show!" says Saku.
"We are so lucky!" says Alejandra, with autotune.
"It's great how we can agree on something," says Sammi.
"This sucks," says Xanthe finally.
The Magical Whatnot are playing an icebreaker game.
"Not at all," says Diana.
"No, no, Iggy. You moonwalk, THEN stand on your head," offers Flannery.
Zendaya is in the confessional. "My entire team is filled with idiots!"
Everyone decides to go outside.
Kunio and Alejandra decide to dance as Davis puts on some music.
"Yeah! Morgan White's the best!" Alejandra says.
"Monday, monday!" sings Zendaya.
"Enough happiness," Chris cuts in. "It's time for our next challenge."
"It's too early, pearly." groans Lemmie.
"Lemmie, I worry about you," says Saku.
"Got a reason, current season?" Lemmie replies.
"Summer?" says Kaite.
"ANYWAYS," interjects Chris, "It's a Lady Gaga challenge."
"OMG!" squeals Alejandra. "I'm the number one Lady Gaga fan!"
"Yeah, right," says Xanthe, "I bet you don't know Lady Gaga's real name?"
"Only an idiot would think they know everything about Lady Gaga because they know her first name," says Alejandra. "I actually happen to know her home address."
Xanthe gasps. "You're a monster - in both senses of the word!"
"At least I'm not a fake," counters Alejandra.
"ENOUGH, JIGGLYPUFF!" screams Lemmie. Everyone stares at him.
Saku is in the confessional. "If those two didn't SHUT UP, I'd kill myself by having seconds of Chef's slop." He has a spoonful of something, then throws up.
"The challenge," says Chris, "is to have one of your teammates dress in a Lady Gaga-esque costume and sing a small part of a Gaga song, with the lyrics changed. Anyone who helps write the song disqualifies their team. Pick your Gaga."
The Singers quickly pick Alejandra, the Dancers quickly pick Xanthe, and the Whatnot pick Zendaya.
"Gaga girls, dress up time!"
A few minutes later, Alejandra comes out in a dress made out of water bottles, Xanthe comes out in a raw meat bikini, and Zendaya comes out with blue dyed hair and a green and purple dress.
"The winner is Alejandra, and she gets an advantage in the next part of the challenge." Chris announces. "Girls, write your songs."
Later, Alejandra comes out with her team.
"Ready?" says Chris."Uh..." Alejandra stutters.
Alejandra begins to sing, autotuned a smidge to sound a bit like Gaga.
"I want to tell you that you're not really my kind.
Don't try to follow me, I'll leave you far behind.
Nobody cares what things you say you've said and done,
Just being with you really isn't that much fun.
'Cause you're a STALKERRRRRRR (s-s-s-s-Stalkerrrrr)
I know you're a STALKERRRRRRR (s-s-s-s-Stalkerrrrr)
I know you're a STALKERRRRRRR (s-s-s-s-Stalkerrrrr)
I know you're a STALKERR. Err. Err. Err."
Xanthe walks up with her team, and Alejandra leaves the stage.
She begins to sing.
"Don't talk to me, don't talk to me, I'm too shy...
I love you babe, I love you babe, and here's why...
Just me and you, sit in the sand,
Your mask will see we're hand in hand,
Don't talk to me, don't talk to me, I'm too shy."
Wil is stunned, realizing Xanthe had sung about him.
The Dancers leave the stage, and Zendaya comes with her team.
Zendaya starts singing and dancing.
"Hello, hello I don't care what you're saying to me.
I might as well dance until you go home, tee hee.
L O L you think I can actually hear you
Excuse me I'll be right back I need to use the loo.
Using the loo loo
Using the loo loo
I use that excuse everytime
To get away from you!"
Chris applauds. "Very well done! Zendaya and the Magical Whatnot win the challenge! The Singers get second for winning the costume challenge. Deadly Dancers, you've got a date with the awards ceremony."
The Dancers groaned.
Wil is in the confessional. "Again? What are we doing wrong?"
The Dancers are in the seats at the awards ceremony.
"I don't feel like asking questions, so let's get to the awards. Kaite, Wil. Both of you got no votes, so you're safe." Chris begins.
"Xanthe. Even though you seriously creeped out Wil and lost the challenge for the team, you didn't get any votes. You're safe."
Wil eats his statue.
"There is only one Gilded Chris left. Ocean, Kunio. I have no idea why you're here. The final Gilded Chris goes to..."
"No way," says Kaite.
"Yeah way," says Chris. "Kunio was voted out 3-2. Time for him to go."
Kunio sadly walked out The Door.
Kunio: Darn. I could've lasted longer, but I guess people thought I was a threat. Deadly Dancers, you have voted out your two strongest competitors. Good luck!
Kaite: Why won't Ocean go home!? He literally digs himself a grave and stays? How's that possible!? He is going DOWN!
"And that's a wrap. How will Kaite cope to the fact that her allies were the first outs? Why does Rydel only wear blue socks?"
"It's fun," says a voice in the Singers cabin.
"All the answers, er, answer next time on Total... Drama... CULTURE!"
Chapter 4- "If you just shut up, all of our lives will be much easier."
This chapter is brought to you by Toad.
"Last time on Total Drama Culture, the teams competed in a Lady Gaga challenge! Zendaya, her mad singing and dancing skills, and the Whatnot won the challenge... again. The Dancers voted out Kunio for some strange reason. Anyways, only sixteen remain. Who will go next? Find out today!"
The Singers are jamming out in their room.
"En usko, että tulemme koskaan menettää haaste." says Saku.
"Agreed, man." says Alejandra. "I could live here any day."
"This winning probably won't last." says Rydel, blowing his nose.
"Aww, don't think like that." says Minttu.
"Hän on oikeassa. Tulemme todennäköisesti saamaan otetaan alas." says Saku.
"Will you shut up? I can't understand a word you're saying." says Davis.
"I think that's his point." says Sammi.
Saku rolls his eyes.
The Dancers are in a slump.
"Ugh, why do we keep on losing?" asks Wil.
"What?" asks Ocean.
"That piece of crap is slowing our team down." says Kaite.
"Hey, where's Xanthe?" asks Wil.
"In the bathroom, writing another love note to 'Willy-poo'." says Ocean.
"That girl is freaking me out, man. I know I freak some people out, but she is horrifying." says Wil nervously.
Xanthe is in the confessional. She sighs. "I love Wil so much. His beautiful purple hair..." She sighs again.
"I think she's coming out." says Wil. "Hide me."
Wil burrows into the blankets of his bed.
Xanthe comes out. "Where's Wil?" she asks, while reading.
"Up your butt and around the corner." says Ocean.
"No, seriously. I have something to give him." says Xanthe.
"I think he died." says Kaite.
Wil sneezes from under the sheets. "Oops."
"What was that?" asks Xanthe.
"I think there's a mouse under the sheets." says Ocean. "I'll go check."
Ocean reaches under the blankets, takes out some duct tape, and puts it over Wil's mouth. Wil gives a thumbs-up.
"I killed it." says Ocean.
"Ooh, I love dead animals. Lemme see." says Xanthe.
"Um, no, it might..." stutters Kaite. "Infect you?"
"Good call." says Xanthe.
The Whatnot are chilling in their room.
"Chew, chew, chew, chew, chewing gum. How I love chewing gum. I'm crazy over chewing gum. I chew and chew all day." sings Iggy.
"If you just shut up, all of our lives will be much easier." says Diana.
Lemmie strolls out of the bathroom with a piece of toilet paper around his leg.
"Hey, lllladies. Lookin' crazy." he says, strolling by Zendaya, Diana, and Flannery.
"You got somethin' on your leg." says Zendaya.
"Leave it." giggles Flannery.
Gideon comes up to Diana.
"What is up?" he asks.
"The ceiling." says Diana darkly.
"Exactly." says Gideon. He sits down next to Diana.
"Aww, cute. I think I'm gonna puke!" says Lemmie.
"Can it, midget." says Diana.
"Hey, you just rhymed! New poet time!" says Lemmie.
Chris comes into the room. "Guess what time it is?" he asks.
"Time for the challenge! YAY!" says Iggy happily.
Chris leads the teams outside. "Ever watched Phineas and Ferb?"
"Fineas and Pherb?" asks Saku.
"Whatever." says Chris. "Anyways, you know how they make all these weird inventions? Each team will be assigned to do one."
"We call giving a monkey a shower." says Rydel.
"All right, I knew someone would pick that one." says Chris. "Billy, bring in the monkey."
An intern comes in with a gorilla.
"That's not a monkey..." says Alejandra worriedly.
"I know. We felt monkeys were too boring." says Chris.
Saku picks up the gorilla, and leads the team away.
"Can we discover something that doesn't exist?" asks Wil.
"Sure..." says Chris. "That might take a while."
"I'd love to. More time with my Willy-poo." says Xanthe.
Wil is in the confessional. "All right, that chick has GOT to go."
"Whatnot, whatcha doin'?" asks Chris.
"We're gonna fight a mummy." says Iggy.
"Hey Jeffrey, c'mon out." says Chris.
An intern comes out wrapped in bandages.
"How funny! A pathetic mummy!" says Lemmie.
The intern growls. "I'm getting paid to do this, so shut up."
Flannery kicks the mummy in the nards.
"OW!" screams the mummy. He keels over.
"Well, that was brief." says Gideon darkly.
"So, did we win?" asks Diana.
"Sure." says Chris. "But we have to wait for the other teams."
"I hate waiting." says Iggy.
The Dancers are having trouble.
"Where's something that doesn't exist?" asks Wil.
"Why don't you ask Ocean." says Kaite sarcastically.
"Aw, Kaite, I know you like me." says Ocean.
"No. No, I don't." says Kaite.
Ocean is in the confessional. "Dang it..."
The Singers are trying to fit their gorilla into the bathtub.
"Dang, how much does this thing weigh?" asks Minttu.
"Don't know, don't care." says Saku.
The gorilla roars.
"Why did we pick this challenge, anyways?" asks Rydel.
"I thought we'd get, like, a chimp or something." says Davis.
"All right, that's the last straw." says Alejandra, after getting hit in the chest by the gorilla.
She turns on the water faucet, and splashes water onto the gorilla, making it look wet.
"Chris, we're done!" yells Sammi.
"O rly?" asks Chris, who comes over. "To me, it looks like you just splashed water on him to get away with not doing the challenge. But whatever, the Dancers lost again."
The Dancers come over to Chris.
"Are we like Team Victory?" asks Wil.
"I think so." grins Chris.
The Dancers are trying to vote someone out.
Wil is in the confessional. "Ugh, Xanthe. She's just creepy."
"All right, Kaite and Wil are safe." says Chris. "Neither of you received any votes."
"Yessss!" says Kaite as she gets her Gilded Chris.
"Finally, either Xanthe or Ocean. It goes to..." says Chris.
"...Ocean." says Chris.
"No. No! NOOO!" says Xanthe.
"Yes, yes, yes." says Chris. "Everyone voted for you. I guess they think you're creepy due to your Wil obsession."
"I will always love you, Wil!" screams Xanthe as she is taken to the Lame-o-sine by Chef. "And the rest of you tools, I hate you! Well, at least I have my books..."
Wil is in the confessional. "Thank god. That girl disturbed me so much, now we can focus on a good team... Even if there are only three of us."
"Who will go next? Will Saku speak English? Find out next time on Total Drama CULTURE!" says Chris, ending the episode.
Chapter 5- "One of us isn't getting out of here dry."
This chapter was brought to you by Zinc.
"Last time on Total Drama Culture, we had a Phineas and Ferb challenge. Everyone discovered Saku really isn't a know-it-all, as he doesn't know what that is! Ocean and Kaite finally get along, even though it's only to keep Xanthe away from Wil. In the end, Xanthe was voted out. Why does Saku speak Finnish and English interchangeably? Will Iggy's obsession with boobies ever end? Find out right now, on Total... Drama... Culture!"
The Stupendous Singers are sitting around.
"I'm bored." says Saku.
"We all are bored." says Sammi.
"Who knew never winning or losing would be so horrible?" says Davis.
"Meap," says Rydel.
"What?" say Alejandra and Saku at the same time.
Saku is in the confessional. "Rydel on totella siistiä ja kaikki, mutta joskus hän vain mutterit."
Rydel is in the confessional. "Yes! Yes! Finally a way to communicate that nobody understands."
Saku glares at him. "I'm still here, you know." Rydel responds, "Meap."
The Deadly Dancers are sleeping in.
Kaite turns over.
"Moving on," says a voice behind the camera.
The Magical Whatnot are sitting around.
"This is so boring!" says Diana. "We have to lose soon."
"Well, if we do, we're voting out Gideon," says Iggy.
"What! Why?" protests Flannery.
"Well, I'm so valuable-" begins Iggy.
"Yeah, right," interrupts Gideon.
"Hush." Iggy says. "Lemmie is too cool..."
"Thanks, man. Tin can," says Lemmie.
"Yeah, yeah, fine. The girls we wouldn't want to lose, for obvious reasons."
Gideon raises an eyebrow.
"So that just leaves you, Gideon," says a muffled voice from inside Zendaya's collar.
"Yuck!" says Zendaya, slapping Iggy.
"Hey, that's my job. Iggy, you're a slob," says Lemmie.
Iggy is sitting in the confessional. "Hee hee. One down..."
Chris gathers the contestants. "Today's challenge is based on an older movie, that many of you have heard of."
"Godzilla?" says Ocean.
"She's the Man?" says Minttu.
"No, no, Titanic!" says Chris McLean. "The contestants will be taking a cruise on a boat in the middle of Lake Ontario."
"That sounds pretty simple," says Sammi.
The boat's mast falls down.
"Oops, wrong boat. That was Chef's kitchen."
"Thank god," says Diana.
"Everyone get on." Chris points to another boat. The contestants board.
"And... go! Last one standing wins."
The contestants simply sit.
Five minutes later, Minttu gets up. "Rydel, let me show you something." Rydel gets up and follows Minttu.
The two go to the bow of the boat. "Isn't it beautiful?" says Minttu.
Rydel nods, and lifts Minttu onto the tip of the bow. "Majestic, right?"
Suddenly Chris launches a bowling ball towards the boat, and it starts to sink.
"We're doomed to DIE!" screams Iggy, and he jumps into the lake.
"He's out," says Gideon.
The upper layer falls down, and tumbles into the water.
"Ack!" yells Alejandra. She slips and falls.
"Alejandra! NOOO!" yells Davis, running to her.
Davis tries to save her by catching her shirt collar. Alejandra's shirt rips off, leaving her topless. She screams and falls into the water.
Iggy grins. "I saw your boobies," he says.
Alejandra splashes him. "So did the entire viewing audience!"
Ocean trips on a plank and falls off, sending him flying. He knocks into Rydel and Minttu, and the three plummet off.
"Proof that the couple always goes first," says Wil.
"They were third, chicken turd," says Lemmie.
Wil pushes Lemmie off.
Saku runs into the cellar. Sammi, Davis, Diana and Gideon follow.
"We'll be safe in here," says Saku.
Kaite, Wil, Flannery and Zendaya look over the handrails.
"Where are the rest of us?" says Flannery.
"They must've gone into the cellar," says Zendaya.
"Hurry! The bow is in the water!" yells Kaite.
Zendaya rushes into the cellar. "Guys, why are you here?"
The added weight causes the cellar floor to collapse, and all seven fall in.
"And that's it! The Stupendous Singers lose! It's down to the Dancers and the Whatnot to see who will get a visit to the tuckshop!" announces Chris from a helicopter.
"Not worth it," says Kaite, jumping in the water.
Wil and Flannery stare each other down.
"One of us isn't getting out of here dry," says Wil.
"Bring it," says Flannery.
The two start wrestling. Flannery gets a lead, then Wil geets a burst of energy.
Wil is about to push Flannery off, when she... knees him in the nads.
"You and your nad-kicking," groans Gideon as Wil keels over and falls in the water.
"And the incumbent Whatnot win a trip to the tuck shop! Stupendous Singers, you will have to vote someone off."
The Singers groan.
The Stupendous Singers sit at the Gilded Chris ceremony.
"An eventful night, Singers." says Chris. "Here's how this works. You vote off a teammate. Everyone gets a Gilded Chris except for one of you. That person goes through The Door. Nobody knows where it leads-"
"Kaite told everybody it goes to the Lame-o-sine," snaps Saku.
"Anyways, vote, Singers, vote!" says Chris, glaring at Saku.
"Okay, the Gilded Chrises go to... Minttu, Rydel, Saku and Alejandra." The four get their Gilded Chrises.
"Sammi. Your snarky attitude is getting people ticked off at you. Davis, you accidentally exposed your crush's boobies on national television! Ha ha! The last Gilded Chris goes to..."
Sammi gets her Gilded Chris.
"But I thought we had an alliance!" protests Davis.
"I guess you were mistaken," says Saku.
Alejandra began to cry. Minttu comforted her.
"We're so sorry, Allie, but it was either him or you," says Minttu.
"Meap," says Rydel sadly.
Davis crossed his arms and walked out The Door.
Davis is sitting in the Lame-o-sine. "I guess you have to be careful with who you ally with. That was a total blindside. I guess you can't judge someone by who they say they are. That one flaw cost me one million dollars."
"And that's all for this episode! Will Rydel stop saying Meap? Will the Whatnot stop winning? Will Kaite and Ocean's friendship last? Find out next time on Total... Drama... Culture!
Chapter 6- "Woo hoo, we got... a coin."
"Last time on Total Drama Culture, everyone was on a boat. It broke, and the Whatnot won, and somehow the Dancers got second, forcing the Singers to kick off Davis. What will the Whatnot do now, since we know they're invincible? Do the Singers or the Dancers have a chance against them? Aren't I super hot? Find out right now on Total... Drama... Culture!"
The Stupendous Singers and the Deadly Dancers are sitting together.
"This really stinks," says Minttu. "Those Whatnot won't stop winning!"
"We need to stick together," says Ocean.
"Ummm, no," retorts Saku, "We've only lost once. We're not dragging ourselves down with you guys."
"Like we need your help, anyways," replies Wil.
Chris suddenly appears. "Let's see if you do! The next challenge takes place back at the lake. If you don't come, you lose the challenge."
"This better be good," say Diana, Gideon and Sammi at the same time.
"It's a Battle for Dream Island challenge!" Chris says.
"What?" says Zendaya.
"One of the producers thinks it's the best thing on the face of the earth. Anyways, one challenge is that there are five small teams of three. We only have enough for two teams of seven. You will have to open one of 26 safes. 6 of them have rafts and paddles that you use to paddle to that island over there," Chris points at an island in the lake, "the other 20 have representations of the contestants, an eraser, for example. Then you must build a block tower to reach one of six keys, which one of them wins you immunity. The teams are as follows... Alejandra and Iggy."
"Oh great," says Alejandra as Iggy grins.
"Diana and Ocean."
"I'm with this klutz?" complains Diana.
"I'm not a klutz," says Ocean.
"Flannery and Wil."
"Gideon and Sammi."
"Okay," says Sammi.
"Kaite and Saku."
"Oh no," groans Kaite.
"Problem?" Saku says snidely.
"Lemmie and Minttu."
"Sure, furniture," says Lemmie.
"Lastly, Rydel and Zendaya."
Rydel and Zendaya high-five.
"And... go!" yells Chris.
Everyone starts looking in random safes.
"A golf ball?" says Saku.
"Why is there a match in here?" says Gideon.
"An ice pack, great," says Zendaya.
"Found one!" exclaims Wil. He and Flannery start paddling to the island.
"A block of wood," says Alejandra. "Great."
"Hooray!" yells Minttu. She and Lemmie start paddling.
"Got it!" says Iggy. He and Alejandra start paddling.
"Us too!" yells Kaite. She and Saku start paddling.
"Yeah!" says Rydel. "We found it!" He waves the raft in the air.
Sammi snatches it. "Ha ha!" She and Gideon start paddling.
"Woo hoo, we got... a coin." gripes Ocean.
"Yay!" cheer Zendaya. She and Rydel starts paddling.
Everyone makes it to the island, except Ocean and Diana.
"Looks like Ocean and Diana are disqualified for not finding a raft. Build! Build!"
Kaite and Saku start building a tower, but it's taller than the others.
Saku snatches a key. "Let's go!" The two rush to the door.
"It won't open!" complains Kaite, and they throw the key away.
"Got it!" says Rydel. He and Zendaya run to the door.
The door opens. "Gee, what are the chances?" exclaims Zendaya in joy.
"Rydel and Zendaya won the challenge!" exclaims Chris. "Since neither is a Deadly Dancer, they will have to go to elimination. However, in the style of Battle for Dream Island, the Singers and Whatnot will vote one of them out."
The Deadly Dancers sit at the elimination ceremony.
"Dancers, you're back," says Chris. "Anyways, your opponents voted, and the results are in. None of you got no votes. However, Kaite gets a Gilded Chris for only getting two votes out of the eleven." Kaite catches the award.
"Wil and Ocean. this screen will display the votes." A screen displays a grid with eleven squares. Two are blue. The amount of purple (Wil) and grey (Ocean) squares steadily rise...
...until the amount of purple squares stops growing. There are two blue, four purple, and five grey.
"Ocean, with five votes, you are eliminated." Chris says, giving Wil his award.
Ocean walks to the Lame-o-sine, shocked.
"That wraps up another episode. Will the Dancers stop losing? Will the Whatnot start losing? Am I bored of this predictable pattern? Find out next time!"
Chapter 7- "Lemmie, if you look up pathetic in the dictionary, there's a picture of you."
"Last time on Total Drama Culture, Ocean was voted out. I can't really remember the rest of the details..." says Chris.
The Whatnot are in their dorm.
"What's another synonym for 'death'?" asks Diana, while doing a crossword puzzle.
"I have no idea, Pia." says Lemmie.
"One, my name isn't Pia. And two, I wasn't talking to you." says Diana.
"Whatever, Trevor." says Lemmie.
"Lemmie, if you look up pathetic in the dictionary, there's a picture of you." says Gideon.
"Thank you! Tank you!" says Lemmie.
Zendaya is stretching on the stage.
"Mind if I help you with that, babe?" asks Iggy.
"Ugh, I have had it with these twins." says Zendaya in the confessional.
"Iggy, how can you help someone stretch?" asks Flannery.
"Oh, I have my ways." winks Iggy.
In the Dancers' dorm, the "team" isn't feeling very well.
Kaite is sitting there, quietly.
"So, erm, what's up?" asks Wil.
"..." says Kaite.
"You're awfully quiet today, madam." says Wil.
"..." says Kaite.
"I'm going to call you PJ now." says Wil.
"OH MY GOD, SHUT UP." screams Kaite.
"...!" says Wil.
In the Singers' dorm, Saku is ranting in Finnish.
"Ugh, tämä alkaa inhottavaa. Oma joukkue on täynnä joukko idiootit. On että Alejandra tyttö, joka on vain hieman muhkurainen juttu, ja sitten on että alkio ämpäri, joka minun häiritsevyyttä ja sisko tykkää, ja sitten on se kuuma tyttö tunnetaan Sammi, mutta ei ole mitään keinoa, että hän olisi koskaan kohdella minua olemaan hänen poikaystävä." says Saku.
"What did you just say?" asks Minttu.
"Oh, nothing, little sister. Do not worry about." says Saku with a sketchy grin.
Rydel comes out of the bathroom.
"Oh, hey, guys... I just discovered some cool feathered tissues... Who wants one?" he asks.
"AUGH!" screams Sako. "IDIOOTIT!"
Alejandra is in a slump.
"What is wrong? Oh, wait. I don't care." laughs Saku obnoxiously.
"Quit being mean, brother." says Minttu.
"But being mean is my ways." says Saku.
"Eww, Saku, there's a booger hanging out of your nose." says Sammi.
"I will not take it off. It looks majestic." says Saku.
"If majestic means so gross I want to throw up, then yup. It's definitely majestic." says Sammi.
"Rydel's been on our team for the whole time, and you have not thrown up." says Saku.
"Hey..." says Rydel.
"That's not funny, dude." says Alejandra.
"Actually, it kind of is." says Sammi.
"No, it's not." says Minttu angrily.
"Yes, it is." says Sammi angrily.
"It's ridiculously hilarious." says Saku.
Rydel kicks Saku in the groin.
"I'm usually not the physical type, but I kind of had to do that..." says Rydel.
Chris meets the contestants in front of the city hall.
"Today's challenge is based on one of my favorite shows." says Chris.
"What show is it? Is it TV-PG?" asks Zendaya.
"Yep." says Chris. "Adventure Time."
"Oooh, I looooove that show!" says Wil, twirling about.
"Whoa! Whoa! I like that show!" says Lemmie.
"It's annoying, stupid, and Neanderthal-ish." says Saku.
"So are you." says Alejandra under her breath.
"All right, enough with the fighting. Let's get on to the challenge." says Chris. "Each team will have a challenge inspired by an episode of Adventure Time. The first team to complete their challenge wins."
"Sounds easy enough." says Kaite.
"Oh, but it's not." says Chris. "The Singers, here's your challenge."
"It better be easy." says Saku.
"Singers, your challenge is inspired by the episode--" says Chris.
Donny steps out of a limousine. "Hey, guys."
"Donny, I never said we were doing the Donny episode." says Chris angrily.
"Aw, man." says Donny, and he leaves.
"All right. Your challenge is inspired by the episode--" says Chris.
Kim steps out of another limousine.
"IT'S NOT FREAK CITY, EITHER." yells Chris.
"No, man, please!" says Kim.
"Get out. I need to think." says Chris.
Kim gets back into the limo and drives away.
"Singers, your challenge is inspired by the episode--" says Chris.
Vincent comes out of another limo.
"Vincent, you're not even from Adventure Time." says Chris.
"I know, I just want a latte." says Vincent.
"Get a latte somewhere else. And shouldn't you be chilling with your team?" asks Chris.
Vincent unzips his costume, and it's Dolph.
"What the..." says Chris.
The Vincent/Dolph/Whatever person runs away, cackling.
"All right, Singers, your challenge is inspired by the episode His Hero." says Chris. "You must do everything that Billy did in his song."
"What's the song?" asks Rydel.
Chef comes out with a boombox, and turns it on.
"Who’s the greatest warrior ever? A hero of renown? Who slayed an evil ocean? Who cast the Lich King down? Billy! And that time the evil Fire Count Captured a damsel fair. Who saved her with such brav'ry That she offered him her hair? Billy! Also… he fought a bear! BILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" plays the song.
"That was the most mathematical song ever." says Minttu.
"He fought a bear." says Rydel.
"All right, slay this 'evil ocean'." says Chris.
Ocean comes out with a sword.
"Hi." he says. He then looks at Kaite and winks. Saku pushes him over and hits him in the groin.
"All right, well done." says Chris while Ocean crawls away.
"Here's a Lich King." says Chris.
An obviously fake plastic skeleton wearing a dress resembling DJ's mother's and a crown is taken out by an intern.
"While the singers are trying to take down that 'evil monster', here's your challenge, Dancers. This is based on the episode, The Limit. Find your way out of this giant maze." says Chris.
"What maze?" asks Kaite.
An enormous maze appears out of nowhere.
"Good luck." says Chris.
Kaite and Wil run towards the maze, and go in.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screams Wil.
"Will you calm down?" asks Kaite.
Wil's pants are seen flying out of the maze.
"All right, for the Whatnot's challenge, this is based on the episode Blood under the Skin. It's a lengthy challenge." says Chris.
"Aww, why do we get a lengthy challenge?" whines Iggy.
"You haven't lost once." says Chris. "First, you have to go through the senior citizen locker rooms in the pool. Then, you have to duel Sir Slicer in lady armor and play drop ball against a ghost."
The Whatnot run through the senior locker room.
"MY EYES!" screams Iggy.
"Meh, it's not that bad..." says Gideon.
"Calm down, Iggy. You're acting wiggy." says Lemmie.
Diana, Flannery, and Zendaya sprint through the locker room and exit. Gideon follows soon. Lemmie is riding on his beach ball, and Iggy is the last to get out.
They see a weird blue guy with girl hair on a pink horse.
"What gender are you?" asks Flannery.
The guy makes a clicking noise. "Who wants to duel me?"
"Me." says Gideon.
The weird guy hands Gideon some lady armor.
"AW, NUTS." says Gideon emotionally. He puts it on, and whams into the guy, knocking him down.
"Uuuughhh..." whines the guy.
The Whatnot then see a ghost.
"Time to play drop ball against yours truly. Who wants to be the lucky opponent?" he asks in a Southern voice.
"Ooh, yay! I wanna play!" says Lemmie.
"All right, ya hafta pick up this ball with your butt. It's a high intensity sport designed for players anywhere." says the ghost.
Lemmie picks up the ball with his butt.
"Now, I don't wanna intimidate ya, but mah high score is six." says the ghost. "If you can beat me, ya win the challenge."
Lemmie picks up the ball seven times.
"Sheesh. Godplaying." says the ghost, and he vanishes.
Chris comes out of nowhere. "Congratulations, you guys won! Again."
The Singers are trying to fight a bear, and it has Sammi in its mouth.
"Uh, hello? This isn't very comfortable..." says Sammi.
Chris walks back with the Whatnot.
"Since the Whatnot finished their challenge, and who knows where the Dancers are, you guys lost." says Chris.
"...WHAT?!" screams Saku.
"You heard me. Vote someone out." says Chris.
At the elimination ceremony, Chris says, "Minttu. You didn't get any votes, so you're safe. Same with Alejandra."
The two girls get their Gilded Chrises.
"Saku." says Chris.
Saku grins evilly while getting his Gilded Chris.
"Rydel and Sammi, the final Chris goes to..."
"Ry--" says Chris.
"WAIT!" screams Alejandra. "I quit."
"What? Why?" asks everyone.
"I wanna be with Davis..." says Alejandra.
"Oh, whatever. Sure. Just quit to see your boyfriend. Although, that is good for ratings..." says Chris.
"Bye, all." says Alejandra, and she leaves.
"Who will be the next to go? Find out next time on Total... Drama... Culture!"
Chapter 8- "If he was on another team, he'd so be out now."
"Last time on Total Drama Culture," says Chris McLean, "the contestants had a challenge based off of Adventure Time. The Whatnot never lost, so they got an extra hard challenge. In the end, the Singers lost again. Sammi was voted out, but Alejandra quit to be with her boyfriend. How sweet. Will the Whatnot finally lose, or at least get second? Is it nuts that we've already eliminated six teens? Find out this episode of Total Drama Culture!"
The Stupendous Singers are sitting around a campfire at night.
"Two naughty little children gone, three nice little children left," Saku said in a Willy Wonka-like voice.
"I did, didn't I?" sighed Saku. "These authors really need to keep things consistent."
"Way to break the fourth wall," yells Kaite from the Dancers cabin.
"Shut up, I wanna sould cool," Saku yells back.
Inside the Dancers cabin, Wil walks up to Kaite. "What are you doing, anyways?"
"Saku's getting on my nerve," said Kaite.
"He's getting on everybody's nerves," sighed Wil. "If he was on another team, he'd SO be out now."
The Whatnot are moping around.
"We have to lose," groaned Iggy.
"Why, apple pie?" says Lemmie.
"We have way too many people on our team. We need space," replies Gideon. "Plus, some of you haven't showered since we got here."
"Seriously, we need SOME sort of schedule so we don't have human stink bombs walking around..." says Zendaya.
"I came here to avoid schedules," says Iggy. "I hate them with a passion."
"Question, how did you get here?" asks Flannery.
"I took a bus," replies Iggy.
Flannery's eye twitches.
Chris barges in. "CHALLENGE TIME!"
"All right, respite!" cheers Lemmie.
"Respite?" says Wil, who was with the other teams and Chris.
"Ignore him," says Sammi.
"Said and done," replies Rydel.
"Too easy," says Diana.
"Today's challenge is based off of-" starts Chris.
Iggy suddenly yells "PANCAKES!"
Lemmie slaps Iggy.
"Is that all you do, slap Iggy and rhyme?" says Saku skeptically.
They slap each other continuously.
"The challenge is about Minecraft," says Chris. "Geez, Iggy."
"So..." says Wil.
"You will have to build a shelter out of dirt and wood, and it must survive explosions. Also, you can't let Chef here find you."
"I'm gonna blow you up, heh heh," says Chef evilly.
"Oh, great," says Minttu.
"Last one hidden wins for their team," says Chris. "You may begin now."
Rydel grabs some wood and plunks them down. "This'll do for a nice spot."
Wil begins digging into a stone face of a hill. "This is a neat little spot."
Lemmie begins digging a hole in the ground.
Gideon begins levelling a hill, so he can make a new hill (his base) somewhere else.
Minttu eats some mints. "Do you care about winning, or not?" protests Sammi.
Kaite begins to build a tower with Flannery.
"The Singers are so losing," says Flannery to Kaite.
Saku, Minttu, Sammi, Iggy, Diana and Zendaya aren't building bases.
The sun begins to set...
Wil puts rocks in front of his hideaway.
Flannery and Kaite finish their tower with no entrances.
Rydel made a spare/decoy base to fool Chef.
Diana unenthusiastically makes a hole and covers the top with dirt.
The sun sets fully and Chef comes out with a flashlight and explosives.
"I'm hungry," moans Lemmie.
Chef hears him and digs him up.
Chef also finds Saku, Minttu and Sammi, who were playing Old Maid.
"Seriously?" says Chef.
Chef passes by the four team cabins and finds Diana in a tall mound of dirt.
Wait... four cabins? Rydel had built the fourth for his base. It was a pleasant little house.
Chef wiped his feet and came in. The hallway was painted a nice blue, there was a clean green bathroom, a living room with a television, and a bedroom.
Rydel was in the kitchen doing dishes.
"Your team lost," says Chef and he walks out.
Chef finds the tower and puts dynamite against the side. He sets it off.
BOOM! The tower suddenly falls three stories as the bottom three are levelled. The walls fall apart, and Flannery and Kaite are found on the top floor. Kaite is crying, and Flannery is has a first-aid kit.
"Found you two, now come down."
Kaite and Flannery come down and Chef keeps looking.
Chef finds Iggy who was hiding in the shadow of the tower.
Zendaya is also caught, listening to music with her wooden CD radio. "I don't know how I did it either," says Zendaya.
Chef puts some dynamite in teh cliff face. Some rocks explode, others fall down, and Wil falls out.
Chris comes over. "Is that it?"
"Wait, what about Gideon?" says Chris.
"I was here the whole time," says a voice below Rydel's garden.
Gideon surfaces, with a pansy on his head.
"And the Magical Whatnot win again!" says Chris. Singers, you will have to go to elimination again.
The four Singers are quietly sitting at the elimination.
"The Gilded Chrises go to... Minttu and Rydel." The two hug and get their Gilded Chrises.
"Sammi and Saku, you didn't help in the challenge. One of you got three votes, and the other got one. The last Gilded Chris goes to..."
"Sammi. Saku, it's time for you to take the Lame-o-sine." says Chris.
"I don't get it. Why did everyone vote for me?" says Saku.
"You were getting other people mad at you, and we figured they'd be mad at us if we let you make the merge. Nothing personal," says Minttu.
Saku swears in Finnish.
Chef passes a note to Chris.
Chris taps the microphone. "We have some news. Kaite had to drop out of the competition because she broke an arm while making the tower. Thankfully, her family had just won $25 000 in the lottery, so no worries there."
Kaite walks to the Lame-o-sine.
"Wait!" yells Wil, running up to her.
Kaite turns around.
"Before you go, darling, I want you to remember me, and know I always thought you were the best teammate I had." says Wil.
The two kiss before Kaite takes the Lame-o-sine away.
"That was interesting. Will Wil be able to remain a one-person team? Can Saku cope with the fact that he's on the outs of his alliance? Will we know anything about the Whatnot, ever? Find out next time!"
Chapter 9- "Over half the contestants here are weirdos."
"Last time on Total Drama Culture, Chef found everyone. Kaite left the game because of a broken arm, but not until Saku was voted out and almost took the Lame-o-Sine instead. Will the Singers lose again? Will the Singers lose again? Will the Singers lose again? Find out all the answers right now, on TOTAL. DRAMA. CULTURE!"
Wil is sitting in the Singers dorm. He walks over to the Whatnot dorm, and the Whatnot let him in.
"I can't believe you're the only one left on your team," says Iggy.
Wil nods. "Poor Kaite didn't have to go that way."
"She had to go, do-si-do," says Lemmie.
"Can you shut up?" says Flannery. "Kaite got injured and had to leave the competition. She's, like, one of the only normal people here!"
Flannery is in the confessional. "Hmm, the only normal people are me, Zendaya, Diana, Gideon, Kaite, Wil, Minttu and the C.I.T. girl who got voted off first. So... over half of the contestants are weirdos."
Gideon and Diana are playing Go fish.
"Got a two?" says Gideon.
"Drive a metal spike in the water hoping to attract small, worthless minnows that are most likely mutated due to the excessive pollution in the oceans that kills millions of all species and is a curse on the civilization of today." Diana replies.
"I love you." says Gideon.
The Stupendous Singers sit around awkwardly. Saku and Sammi glare at each other, and Minttu and Rydel are having a pillow fight.
"Ow, that one hurt," says Rydel.
"Oops, that's the one I fill with old, worthless electronics," replies Minttu.
Rydel play-tackles Minttu, until Rydel's head hits the pillow again.
"That the electronics one?" asks Rydel.
Minttu opens the pillow and finds an anvil.
"That's not mine," says Minttu.
"Sorry," calls out Saku.
"Do all Finnish people store extremely heavy and painful stuff into bedding?" asks Sammi.
"No, just painful," replies Minttu. "Family tradition."
"Is that why this one has a gun?" says Chef, who suddenly appears behind Minttu with a travel pillow.
"Don't touch that!" yells Saku. "That's my teddy bear."
Sammi bangs her head against the wall.
Chris appears. "Contestants, time for your next challenge!"
The contestants follow Chris to an impressive go-kart track.
"Today's challenge-" begins Chris.
"...is based off of Mario Kart. Each contestant gets a go-kart. Simply go across the course three times. This is bumper cars, so watch out. The result will be calculated by adding up the time taken by each team member, then divided by the amount of contestants on that team. Highest number goes to elimination." says Dolph.
"Who are you?" says Saku.
Flannery kicks him back to the set of Total Drama Revolution.
Everyone gets in their cars. Wil has a tangerine car, the Singers have seafoam green cars, and the Whatnot have lilac cars.
"GO!" yells Chris.
Wil and Minttu quickly lead the pack. Flannery and Gideon follow, Rydel and the brothers follow them, Sammi and Diana are next, Zendaya and Saku bring up the rear.
Suddenly a white car and a rainbow car drive out of the garage after them.
Saku bumps Diana to the side and gets Diana jammed against the wall. Zendaya also bumps into Sammi, who speeds into Lemmie, knocking him against the wall. Rydel accidentally stomps on the brakes, and he's sent to the back.
Minttu speeds ahead of Wil, and Iggy's car stalls.
"Help me bro," says Iggy.
"Sorry pal, ask the gal." replies Lemmie.
"Don't look at me," says Diana.
Rydel crashes against a tunnel.
The new order is Minttu, Gideon, Wil, Flannery, Saku, Sammi and Zendaya.
Diana's car is freed and she keeps driving.
The rainbow car speeds past.
"Hey, it's Dolph again!" exclaims Iggy.
The rainbow car suddenly transforms into a cat, and Dolph and Nyancat take off into the sky.
"That made no sense," says Rydel. Iggy and Lemmie start moving again.
Minttu laps Rydel. "Sorry!" she calls behind her shoulder. Wil knocks Rydel's car into a position where it's even harder to be freed.
Gideon's car starts spinning uncontrollably, and Iggy starts to run out of gas.
Wil and Saku pass Gideon and Flannery. Sammi slams on the gas and overpowers everyone.
The white car approaches Rydel on its second lap. Suddenly the driver, who's female, hops into Rydel's car as the white car flips off the track.
Sammi and Saku start their final lap, and get neck in neck. Minttu, Wil and Gideon are close behind.
Sammi discovers a secret shortcut, lets everyone pass her, and takes the sandy shortcut. She finishes far before everyone else.
Sammi's time: 2'16"36
Wil eventually pulls ahead, as he, Saku, Minttu and Gideon cross. Rydel's car finally frees, and he guns the gas.
Wil's time: 2'31"68
Saku's time: 2'38"24
Minttu's time: 2'39"86
Gideon's time: 2'40"06
Diana crosses the finish line, and Iggy finally enters his last lap.
Diana's time: 2'54"17
Soon enough, Flannery crosses. Zendaya follows.
Flannery's time: 3'02"50
Zendaya's time: 3'04"13
Rydel starts his last lap.
Lemmie and Iggy cross.
Lemmie's time: 3'38"25
Iggy's time: 3'38"92
Rydel is at the last curve when the camera zooms in to show that his passenger is Rebecca Black.
"Yesterday was Thursday," sings Rebecca. Tears flow down Rydel's cheeks.
Rebecca's singing is so bad that the tires on his car pop just as he crosses the finish line.
Rydel's time: 4'00"73
Chris begins to tally up the scores as Flannery throws Rebecca Black into a laundry chute.
"It's Friday..." echoes the voice of Rebecca.
"The votes are in," says Chris as he shows a chart.
"So the Dancers... er, Dancer gets 1st, the Singers get 2nd and the Whatnot have to send someone home." says Chris.
The Whatnot arrive at their first elimination ceremony.
"Okay. The votes are in, and the first Gilded Chris of the night goes to... Diana."
Diana gets a Gilded Chris.
"Zendaya and Lemmie are safe too." The two get Gilded Chrises.
"The next one goes to... Gideon."
"Obviously. I was the fastest," sasy Gideon, getting his Gilded Chris.
"Aw, nuts," says Iggy.
"The last Gilded Chris is for..."
"...Iggy. Flannery, the Lame-o-Sine awaits."
"Wait, what?" sasy Flannery.
Diana shrugs. "You were too violent."
"I'll show you violent!" rages Flannery as Chef takes her to the Lame-o-Sine.
"Umm, are we done, sugar bun?" says Lemmie.
"Sure, why not?" says Chris. "More crazy action next time on Total... Drama... Culture!"
Zendaya is sitting alone with her Gilded Chris. "The true reason we gave Flannery the boot was because Lemmie, Gideon and I agreed that she had to go. She was too quiet, and kind of scary when she wasn't. Besides, she's strong enough to outlast everyone at the merge. If we lose once more, Iggy's going, for obvious reasons. And at the merge, we get rid of Saku. We have it all planned out. I know Lemmie was a little skeptical about voting off Iggy, but it has to be done. He's mental! And that is the true story."
Chapter 10- "Let's go to the mall, Paul."
Chris is shown eating a sub.
"Uh... Chris?" says Chef. "You're on."
"Eek! I mean, last time on Total Drama Culture," Chris shrieks, "we discovered frightening things about Minttu and Saku. The contestants tried out some go-karts, but were interrupted by Dolph and Rebecca Black. Sure enough, Wil destroyed the challenge, and despite Rydel's horrible time, the Whatnot lost and Flannery was sent packing. One more episode until the merge! Who will not make the merge? Find out right now on Total... Drama... Culture!"
The Singers and Wil are sitting around.
"So..." says Saku.
"Awkward much..." says Wil.
"I'm gonna go make popcorn," says Minttu.
Minttu is in the confessional. "If there's anything I hate more than awkward moments, it's knife fights. And nuclear winters. And... what was I talking about again?"
Chris barges in. "Not something appropriate for the audience!"
"Yeesh," says Minttu. "Fine."
Minttu and Sammi are getting the popcorn ready.
"I hate those guys so much," Sammi says.
"Me too," whispers Minttu. "Saku's a HUGE jerk, Wil's weird, and Rydel acts like he's constantly being punched in the stomach and there's no such thing as tissues."
"That's defin- wait, what did you just say about Rydel?" Sammi gasps.
"I really don't like that snotbucket. I just figure people would be more sympathetic if I hung around with him," confesses Minttu.
"Whoa," says Sammi. "Your secret's safe with me."
"Gee thanks," says Minttu. "I came here to win, and I'm going to play the nice girl card for their sympathy. Nothing's going to stop me from winning the million!"
Sammi is in the confessional. She holds up her crossed fingers. "Minttu is NOT going to let this little... incident slide. She is NOT going to win, let me tell you. Gotta go, Snooki's hooking up with Jonnie."
Saku smirks, chuckles and whispers something into Rydel's ear, who smiles and giggles.
"What's so funny?" asks Wil.
"It's guy humor, you wouldn't-"
"Hey, just because I look and dress fashionably formal doesn't mean I'm a chick," Wil snaps.
"I meant it's Singer guy humor, Wil," sighs Saku.
"Idiot," Saku snarls in the confessional.
"I thought Minttu and I had a connection, something going on. So if Saku's right, and she doesn't love me, then we're going to lose, and Minttu's outta here," says Rydel.
"The guys have NO idea what's going on," laughs Minttu in the confessional. "I know Saku heard, but nobody's gonna listen to him. Not only is he a jerk, everyone will laugh it off as sibling rivalry! I'm so brilliant."
The Whatnot are sitting around as well.
"I'm not sure, there's inspiration everywhere," suggests Diana.
"Like my hot dog!" says Iggy, holding up a hot dog. He eats it. "Unsavoury. Ptoo!"
"Poems shmoems," says Lemmie. "Let's go to the mall, Paul!"
"My name isn't Paul!" yells Gideon.
"Touchy," says Diana sarcastically.
"Cut me some slack, defend and attack," says Lemmie.
"Quiet, you knobs, I'm getting a headache," says Zendaya.
Zendaya is in the confessional. "There is something wrong with those guys. Two of them are complete weirdos with no hope of popularity whatsoever.. and the other two are psycho brothers. Actually, all four are complete weirdos with no hope of popularity... or friends in Lemmie and Iggy's case."
"Challenge time!" says Chris.
The contestants meet in the mud pits from the first challenge.
"Today's challenge," says Chris, "is based off of... Phil?"
"Like a..." says Phil.
"Like a Surgeon. The contestants will split into teams of five and operate on a dummy. The team that fails the most will go to elimination. Singers, you're a person short, so someone will have to join them. Any volunteers?"
"Ooh, ooh! Me me me me!" cheers Zendaya, waving her hand in the air.
Wil silently raises his hand.
"Wil," says Chris.
"Awwwwwwww!" says Zendaya.
Two operating tables slide in front of the teams of five. "Go!" yells Chris.
"I'll be the team leader. I got a 97 in biology," says Iggy.
"I'll be OUR team leader, I got a 97 in biology too," says Sammi.
"You're going down," says Saku.
"Scalpel," says Iggy.
"Scalpel," says Diana, giving Iggy the scalpel.
"Hemostat," says Iggy.
"Hemostat," says Diana, giving Iggy the hemostat.
Diana is in the confessional. "And then I realized, I'm the nurse to Iggy's doctor? What am I, insane?"
"Hypodermic needle," says Sammi.
Rydel does nothing.
"Hypodermic needle," says Sammi.
Rydel does nothing.
"Hypodermic &#$!(+% needle! What are you, deaf?" yells Sammi.
Minttu gives Sammi the hypodermic needle.
"Thank you," says Sammi.
Minttu winks, but Sammi fails to return the gesture.
"She's trying to patronize me, I know it," says Sammi, irritated, in the confessional.
"CLEAR!" yells Iggy. He drops two chalkboard erasers on the dummy. "I've always wanted to do that."
"Keep going, Boeing," says Lemmie.
Zendaya kicks the operating table.
"UGH!" yells Zendaya in the confessional. "This team is driving me NUTS! I can't wait to send Iggy home."
Rydel suddenly takes a meat cleaver and decapitates the dummy.
"Rydel, you idiot! What are you doing?" yells Wil.
"Congratulations," says Chris. "The dummy had a headache. By removing the source of the pain, that qualifies as a victory! Whatnot, time to send someone home."
Later, Lemmie runs up to Saku.
"Saku, can you help with something?" he asks.
"Uhh, sure," says Saku.
"Can you change the votes for Iggy to make them be for someone else? I don't want him to leave!" Lemmie pleads.
"Sure. But wait, why are you not rhyming?" says Saku.
"I'm too frightened to rhyme," Lemmie explains.
Saku is in the confessional. "I keep my promises."
Chris is shwon at the Gilded Chris ceremony. "Okay, not-so-Magical Whatnot, you managed to fail to the two sucky teams combined. This is your final ceremony on this team, and for one of you, your last one EVER. Okay, and now, the votes. Diana and Zendaya are safe."
Diana and Zendaya get their Gilded Chrises.
"Gideon is safe."
Gideon gets his Gilded Chris.
"The last one goes to..."
"Oh no, bro," says Lemmie.
"Shut it," snarls Zendaya.
"What?!" yell everyone except Iggy.
"I thought we voted Iggy," says Zendaya.
"We did!" says Gideon.
"You traitor! You told someone to change the votes, didn't you?" yells Zendaya.
"...I told Saku. I didn't want to see Iggy leave, flour sieve," confesses Lemmie.
"Revenge has already happened," says Gideon.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!1" yells Lemmie as Chef throows him into the Lame-o-sine.
"Wow, I didn't see that coming until I saw the results!" says Chris. "What new twists will the merge bring? Who will discover the secret of the Singers?"
"What secret? Tell me!" yells Iggy.
"It's a secret for a reason!" yells Chris in return. "Find out next time on Total... Drama... Culture!"
Chapter 11- "I like turtles."
Written by Toad.
"Last time on Total Drama Culture, stuff happened. Minttu revealed that she really didn't like Rydel and was just pretending so she could get farther in the game, which you just lost... Pretty messed up, but hey, if her brother's a jerk, it's pretty obvious that she's just like him. That kind of stuff runs in the family. But Rydel didn't seem too fazed about it, wonder why? Maybe he has a se-- Never mind, we should get to that later. The Whatnot finally lost for the second time ever, and they voted out Lemmie, who told Saku to change the votes, because he didn't want to see his brother, Iggy, leave. Pretty cool for Iggy, but not so great for Lemmie. Thankfully, we won't have to hear his psycho rhymes anymore. Today's the merge! Who will be out next? Find out now! On Total... Drama... Culture."
"I miss my brother. Smother," says Iggy.
"Don't try to rhyme like him, it's pathetic," says Diana.
"She's right," says Gideon.
"Guys, why are you such jerks to me? Chicken beans," says Iggy.
"Maybe it's because you're annoying," says Zendaya.
"I ain't annoying, dudes! Come on..." says Iggy.
"Lemmie was cooler than you," says Gideon while reading.
"Gee, thanks a lot, some team," says Iggy.
Iggy says something rude, then buries himself under the covers.
"Hey, isn't today the merge?" asks Zendaya.
"Yeah, I think so..." says Diana. "But I don't really care."
"Underwear," says Iggy.
"IGGY, SHUT UP," says Gideon.
"Noodles-in-a-cup," says Iggy.
"I will punch you," says Diana.
"Boo hoo hoo," says Iggy.
"STFU," says Zendaya.
"Pee 'n' poo," says Iggy.
"I have a knife," says Diana.
"Panic and strife," says Iggy.
"That doesn't even make sense," says Diana.
"It's all about the Bens," says Iggy.
"All right, that didn't even really rhyme," says Zendaya.
"It's Adventure Time," says Iggy.
"Chappy makes me happy," says Gideon.
"I have a pappy," says Iggy.
"Your mom likes to fart," says Zendaya.
"Science and books and art," says Iggy.
"Gideon is very smart," says Diana.
"In bed, he likes to fart," says Iggy.
"IGGY, SERIOUSLY, SHUT UP," says Gideon loudly.
"I like turtles," says Iggy.
Zendaya is shown in the confessional. "Ugh, I hate my team so much. Psycho Lemmie is gone, so that's good, and the weirdos don't really do much, so I think I have a chance of winning. Oh, wait, it's the merge. Forget everything I just said."
The scene then changes to what was formerly known as the Singers, along with Wil.
Wil is combing his hair in front of a mirror.
"Boys like that make me wonder about today's society," says Sammi. "Ooh! New episode of N-Shore! Gotta go."
"Uh, I see..." says Wil.
Minttu is shown in the confessional. "I don't know how much longer I have to be stuck with this horrible team, but the merge better be here, soon. Ugh. I hate pretending to like that idiot, Rydel, and my bro is such a jerk. I'm going to eliminate him next. And nobody will know how that happened. Face the wrath of Minttu!"
"Hey, Saku, can I ask you something?" asks Rydel.
"Sure, fine, whatever," says Saku, who is listening to classical music on his uPod.
"Why is Minttu being such a jerk to me? I mean, I thought she liked me, but I guess not. Are we gonna vote her tonight?" asks Rydel.
"Sure, fine, whatever," says Saku, completely ignoring everything Rydel has said.
"Are you even listening to me?" Rydel shakes his head.
"..." says Saku. He then makes a rude hand gesture.
Wil walks over to the boys.
"Salutations, my friends, what is up?" he asks.
"Just plottin'," says Rydel.
Rydel sneezes into a Kleenex.
"This is such an awkward team. I'm gonna go watch Nebrasks Shore with Sammi. This is boring," says Saku.
"Sure, have fun," says Rydel.
"So, my friend, shall we have an alliance now that teams are disbanded?" asks Wil after Saku has left.
"Well, I kind of have this mini thing with Saku. But he's evil, so I don't know. We could vote together, I suppose," says Rydel.
"Who shall be our first target?" asks Wil.
"Uhh, well, that Iggy guy is a little different. He might be nice, but I don't know him. There's also those goths," says Rydel.
"Diana and whats-his-face? They are cool," says Wil.
"What about that dancing girl who's always pissed?" asks Rydel.
"Zendaya? She could easily go next," says Wil.
"And then there are the three bad guys. Minttu, I don't know what she's thinking, so we gotta get more info on that. Saku is evil, but he's also helping me with Minttu. Sammi claims to be evil, but for now, she's only as evil as Elle was a seductress," says Rydel.
"L-O-L. You are funny," says Wil.
"Thanks, dude," says Rydel. He blows his nose into another Kleenex.
Sammi walks by, and he throws it, landing on her hair.
"Eww, what is that?!" yells Sammi. "I'm gonna go take a shower..."
Sammi says in the confessional, wearing a bathrobe and a towel around her head, "That Minttu chick... NOT cool. I may be evil, but I'm not THAT messed up. Plus, she's a threat to my evilness. So, bye bye, Minty."
Chris barges in to the Singers' room.
"Challenge time!" he says enthusiastically. "Oh, yeah, you guys are merged as of..."
He looks at a watch on his wrist.
"As of right now, it's every man for himself," says Chris.
"Hey, that's sexist," says Zendaya.
"Every person for theirself. Is that better?" asks Chris.
"Theirself isn't a word," says Diana.
"Themself. BETTER?" says Chris angrily.
"Meh," says Gideon.
"Anyways, the challenge today is based on the Total Drama Island Fanfiction Wikia," says Chris.
"What the crap is that place?" asks Sammi.
"No idea, never been there before in my life," says Chris. "Anyway, you will have to navigate this obstacle course and then answer trivia."
"Ugh, I hate trivia," says Gideon. "Complete waste of time."
"That's exactly how I feel," says Diana.
"Aww, fugly social outcasts in love," says Sammi.
Diana glares at Sammi menacingly.
"Anyways, can we start the challenge? You guys have to dodge sprinkles of mist, Webkinz, toads, and Layla plushies thrown by interns who are crawling and dressed as Gideon, and red dudes. Got it?" asks Chris.
Everyone is silent.
"No, not really..." says Diana. "Whatever."
"I don't know if I should be honored or disturbed that interns are dressed as me," says Gideon.
"First up, Diana. Ready to go?" asks Chris.
"No," says Diana.
Chris ignores her completely and blows a bullhorn loudly. "GO!"
Diana gets up off of the ground, and begins to walk towards the finish line. She gets hit by a toad in the side of her head.
"What the crap was that?" she yells.
"Don't worry, just keep running!" yells Zendaya.
"We're merged, idiot," says Sammi. "Why are you helping her?"
Zendaya is silent, then slaps her head.
Diana continues to run. She then trips over an intern and bangs her face on the ground.
"Hehe, haha, hoho, huhu," says the intern evilly.
"Shut up, you knob," says Diana.
Diana finally gets to the finish line, covered in sprinkles of mist with toads pecking at her skin.
"Say, Chris, the quality of your challenges is really deteriorating," says Wil.
"Don't use big words, I don't understand them," says Chris.
"Who's next? Can I go?" asks Rydel.
Chris ignores Rydel, and says, "Zendaya."
Zendaya runs to the starting line.
"Try not to get maimed," says Sammi rudely.
"Be nice, Sammi," says Wil.
"No," says Sammi.
Zendaya begins. She runs towards the finish, dodging interns, then trips over an ant and begins to tumble.
"Oh, lord..." says Chris. "I'm not responsible for anything that happens, kay?"
Everyone glares at Chris.
Zendaya keeps tumbling, then runs into an intern, flies in the air, and lands, hitting her head on a rock and passing out.
"What the crap just happened?" asks Minttu.
"I don't know, but we need some interns to take care of her," says Chris.
Chris blows a whistle. An intern runs up to him.
"Make sure that Zendaya isn't dead," says Chris. "Mkay?"
The intern salutes, then runs away, picks up Zendaya, and stuffs her into a sack.
The intern feels her pulse. "All clear!"
"All right, good, take her to the emergency room," says Chris.
The intern nods, then walks away with the sack.
"Will she be okay?" asks Wil.
"Why do you care?" asks Gideon.
"I don't, I just look out for the safety of others," says Wil.
"Okay, since that was kind of lethal, we're skipping to the trivia part, and since Diana was the only person to complete the course, she gets invincibility in tonight's vote," says Chris.
"Wait, that's unfair, she was the only one who did the challenge!" says Sammi angrily.
"Did I say it was gonna be fair?" asks Chris.
"Touche," says Saku.
"Let's get on with the challenge!" says Iggy.
"Okay. First question, who banned Hilarious HeHe Bad Times Mickey?" asks Chris, reading off of his cue cards.
An intern comes in and whispers something in his ear.
"What do you mean, they can't be about scandals? That's the only thing I paid attention to! And what are fanfictions? Ugh," says Chris.
"Do any of you guys have any idea what he's talking about?" asks Rydel.
"No way, Jose," says Iggy.
Chris then clears his throat. "Who is KingRedPop? First question."
"The monarch of crimson-colored soda?" asks Gideon.
"Correct, Gideon gets one point," says Chris.
"These questions don't even make sense," says Saku angrily.
"You don't make sense," says Minttu.
"I know, sis," says Saku.
"Hey, Saku, by the way, you haven't spoken in Finnish lately," says Chris.
"I feel no need to, since everyone knows I am evil," says Saku.
"But it attracts viewers!" says Chris.
"So?" asks Saku.
"Ugh, this challenge is too random..." says Diana. "Can't we just stop?"
"Agreed, thneed," says Iggy.
"What is a thneed?" asks Wil.
"I don't know, something from a Dr. Seuss book?" asks Rydel.
"Hey, Rydel, congratulations, you gave us the idea for the challenge tomorrow. For that, you get invincibility, along with Diana," says Chris.
"Whoo-hoo!" says Rydel.
Minttu starts to grumble.
Sammi says in the confessional, "My plans are totes working. Rydel's safe from elimination, so Minttu can't play any tricks on him. That means that me, Rydel, and Saku can vote out Minttu... Wait, is that like an alliance thing? Yuk."
Saku says in the confessional, while washing his hands, "Ugh. Washing my hands serves as an outlet from the buckets of grease that are left."
Rydel says in the confessional, "Minttu's out."
Diana is asleep in the confessional. Iggy walks in, farts, then leaves.
"TOILET HUMOR ISN'T FUNNY!" she yells, after she wakes up and Iggy leaves.
Chris is shown at the elimination ceremony.
"Aaaaaight," says Chris. "Let's see what the votes are tonight."
"What about Gilded Chrises?" asks Rydel.
"Nah, this is more fun. We can have those tomorrow," says Chris. He takes out the votes.
Minttu looks anxious. Sammi grins at her evilly.
"One vote for Minttu. One vote for Iggy. One vote for Diana," says Chris.
"But I won invincibility," says Diana angrily.
"Oops," says Iggy.
"Another vote for Minttu, another vote for Iggy," says Chris.
Iggy begins to sweat. Minttu just stares.
"A vote for Saku," says Chris.
Saku makes a rude hand gesture at Minttu.
"Another Minttu, and another Iggy. Who will be eliminated?" asks Chris.
Chris tosses everyone except Minttu and Iggy Gilded Chrises.
"The final vote is for..."
Chris opens the envelope and looks at the last vote.
"Iggy. Sorry, bro, you're out," says Chris.
Iggy's face turns green, and he makes a squealing noise.
"Is he happy or pissed?" asks Gideon.
"Bai, everybody," says Iggy. He then claps and summons a gigantic Chain Chomp, and rides away on it.
"Oh, by the way, Zendaya's injury was pretty serious, she had to be taken out of the game," says Chris.
"Aw, man," says Diana sarcastically.
Zendaya is shown with gauze wrapped around her head.
"Thorry, guyth," she says.
An intern stuffs her in a paper sack again, and throws her into the Lame-o-sine.
"Is this just me, or were those the two most satisfying eliminations ever?" asks Diana.
"It's just you," grumbles Sammi.
Chris grins, and the episode ends.
Chapter 12- "Could you, would you, on a boat?"
"Last time on Total Drama Culture... We had a challenge based on the Total Drama Island Fanfiction Wiki, whatever that is. Zendaya got hurt in the obstacle course thanks to our incompetent interns, and was eventually removed from the game. First Kaite, now her... Jeez, these contestants need to learn how to be more careful. Anyway, Diana and Rydel won the challenge, and they eventually voted out Iggy, instead of Minttu, who is not happy now! Ooh, I love drama. Who will get eliminated next? Find out on Total... Drama... Culture!"
"I like noodles in a bowl. And chicken nuggets make me lose control," says Rydel.
"Rydel, what are you doing?" asks Saku dubiously.
"Iggy's gone. We need someone to be weird like him," protests Rydel.
Wil is shown looking at a green sock and a yellow sock. He sniffs the green one, then throws it away. He tucks the yellow one in his waistband.
"I think Wil has the weird social outcast role under control," says Saku.
"As far as I'm concerned, you're all weird social outcasts," says Sammi, while watching 14 and Preggers.
"Just like the people on that show?" asks Wil.
"Hey, it's not their fault. Derrick did something naughty to Emily!" says Sammi.
"Screw Derrick," says a small voice.
"Who was that?" asks Rydel.
"Mom kicked me out of the house," says Elle.
"My TV's broken," says Chelsey.
"And we wanted to watch the new episode of 14 and Preggers, so we came here. Is Mike still dating Sonja?" asks Elle.
"They broke up like three episodes ago, get your facts right," says Chelsey.
Wil closes the cupboard, then opens it again and they're gone.
"What just happened, I don't even..." says Rydel.
Minttu comes out of the bathroom. "Hi." she says angrily.
Sammi says in the confessional, "You know, lately Minttu has been making ME look like a saint."
"Whoa-oh-ah-oh, it's international love," sings Wil.
"What is?" asks Saku peevishly.
"You know, my relationship with Kaite... She is in a different part of the world. So, yeah..." says Wil.
Wil says in the confessional, "Actually, I just felt like singing."
"So, what do you think today's challenge will be?" asks Saku.
"Why do you care?" asks Sammi.
"Oh. Wait. I don't. Never mind," says Saku.
"Chris said it was gonna be Dr. Seuss," says Rydel.
"Never seen it," says Sammi.
"Dr. Seuss isn't a movie or show. He was a dude," says Wil.
"Funny, I ain't stupid," replies Sammi dryly.
Diana and Gideon walk into the room.
"Salutations," says Gideon.
"Doesn't Gideon look attractive today? I mean, I'm not the type of girl to say guys are attractive, but he's pretty stunning, right?" asks Diana.
"Um, no," says Sammi. "Not my type."
"Same," says Minttu. "But I like Rydel the most."
"That's awkward. Cause I know that you're manipulating me," says Rydel.
"Oh. Whoops. Forget everything that happened in the last five seconds," says Minttu.
"Not humanly possible," says Gideon.
"We don't care..." says Sammi.
Everyone just sits there for a second.
"So, we're the final seven, huh...?" asks Wil.
Rydel sneezes loudly.
"Godblessyou," says Saku curtly.
"Space bar broken?" asks Gideon.
Saku swears in Finnish. Sammi winks and grins widely.
Chris barges in. "What's chillin', beatniks? Ready fo' th' challenge, cool cats and hipsters? Gonna pity the foo'?"
Everyone silently stares at Chris.
"I think this moment would benefit from a PJ. Rydel, do the honors?" asks Gideon.
"..." says Rydel.
Chris meets the contestants outside. "Today's challenge is based on The Lorax, like I promised," he says.
"No, you said it would be Dr. Seuss. You never said the book," says Diana.
"You guys have to clean up these mounds of trash, then build a sculpture out of them," says Chris, ignoring her.
"How does that have ANYTHING to do with the Lorax?" sighs Wil.
"Uh, you know. The whole saving the earth concept? Yeah. Producers haven't read the book, but they liked that," says Chris.
"It's a picture book. It would take like five minutes to read," says Diana.
Chris calls an intern. He hands him the book, then sets a timer to five minutes.
Five minutes later, the intern returns. "I got to the title page. New record for me!" he says.
"See, guys? That's why we tend to take the easy route for challenges. Now, clean up that trash," says Chris.
Chris hands the remaining seven rakes and leaf blowers.
"Run wild," he says.
The contestants scatter across the grassy knoll.
Saku finds a gigantic mound of dirt. "There we go."
Rydel walks over to Saku. "Hey, even though we're not friends, can you lend me some dirt?" he asks.
"Nyet," says Saku.
"That's Russian. Also, I won't vote you tonight," says Rydel.
"It doesn't matter, I won't get out anyway. So, no. Use your dirty tissues," says Saku.
"That was my backup plan," says Rydel. He reaches into his pocket and takes out an extremely long string of Kleenexes.
"Go make an octopus or something," says Saku.
Rydel shakes his head then walks away.
"Say, hon, you gonna do the challenge?" asks Gideon.
"Ehh. I might just sit here," says Diana.
"Yeah. As morbid as I am, I don't really like handling trash," says Gideon.
"Morbid...ly obeeeese?" asks a voice, rising up from a trashcan.
"No," says Gideon.
"Yeeees," says the voice.
Diana throws a rotten tomato at the trashcan and the voice stops talking.
"Thank you," says Gideon. Diana nods.
Sammi is texting. Minttu walks up to her. "Hey, wanna work on something together?" asks Minttu.
"Nah, I'm good," growls Sammi.
"I think we could rock an alliance," says Minttu.
"I don't," says Sammi. "Please leave?"
Minttu grabs a large bag of trash and leaves.
Wil walks by her. Minttu throws a piece of dog poop at him.
"That is an example of unnecessary bullying. See, I did nothing to hurt you in any way," says Wil.
"It's called taking my anger out," says Minttu.
"I am cool with that. I suppose," says Wil.
Rydel is sitting on the wreckage of an old boat, poking at his Kleenex-topus.
"Want some green eggs in ham?" asks Wil, walking up to him dressed in a red and white striped hat.
"Nah," says Rydel. "I just kinda want some alone time."
"Could you, would you, on a boat?" asks Wil.
"I said, I'm trying to be alone right now," says Rydel.
Wil sighs. "I just wanted to say that line. But whatever. I shall leave now."
Twenty minutes later, a whistle is heard. Chris motions the contestants to come over to where he is located.
"All right, let's see these trash sculptures!" he says. "Saku. You first."
Saku holds up a dirt replica of his head, extremely similar in size and appearance.
"Ok, that's kind of creepy," says Chris. "But it's creative... I suppose. 6/10."
Sammi is shown in the confessional. "Who names their kids Saku and Minttu?"
"Evidently Saku and Minttu's parents," says a growly voice.
Sammi looks around, spooked. "Must be the wind."
"All right, Minttu, you're next," says Chris.
Minttu holds up a leaf. "I call this... Rydel."
Rydel just stares at her.
"JK, it's a leaf. Named Leafy. Do I get a 10?" she asks.
"Subtract the zero, add 4.34897653, and sure," says Chris. "You get a 4.34897653/10."
"Good enough..." says Minttu.
"Rydel?" asks Chris.
Rydel holds up his large Kleenex-topus. "Voila. I made this in like ten seconds."
"Cool, I'm sure girls love you for that," says Saku. Rydel glares.
"7.5/10. Nice use of, uh, homemade material," says Chris.
Sammi then holds up what looks like a phone covered in a suspicious substance.
"That's the most realistic phone sculpture I've ever seen," says Chris. "10/10."
Sammi cheers loudly. Saku looks at her.
Sammi says in the confessional, "Yeah, that's just my phone with dirt covering it. What's a good antagonist without some cheating? And of course, Chris, like the idiot he is, didn't notice it. LOL."
Wil holds up a small statue of Chris made out of dirty aluminum foil.
Chris gapes at it. "It's... Beautiful..."
"I know, righty?" asks Wil.
"But my right cheekbone isn't that big. 9.8/10," says Chris.
"Dang it!" yells Wil.
"Diana and Gideon, you guys have anything?" asks Chris.
"No," say both of them simultaneously.
"Ooh," says Chris. "Sammi, it's your lucky day."
Sammi is texting. She looks up from her phone. "Eh?"
"Since these two sly dogs didn't make anything for the challenge, you get to pick who to vote off!" says Chris.
"Oh, cool. I got my pick already," says Sammi evilly.
"I'll give you all twenty-five minutes to take showers and whatnot. You smell like trash," says Chris.
"Well, yeah. We've been in a garbage dump for two hours, it's a given that we would stink a little," says Rydel.
"You always stink," says Saku.
Rydel sighs and shakes his head.
The contestants are then shown in their dorm.
"So, my little cuttlefish. Who will you pick?" asks Saku.
"Uh, why would I tell you? Plus, I don't know if that's a compliment or an insult," says Sammi.
"You don't need to know," says Saku. "I am going to go write in my Finnish diary."
"Have fun," says Rydel.
"I WILL," says Saku loudly.
Diana and Gideon are in the corner, reading morbid books.
"So, one of us is going home tonight," says Diana. "Can't say I'm surprised."
"It's okay, this game sucks anyway," says Gideon.
"Whatever," says Diana. "It was fun. I guess."
"Wanna predict deaths?" asks Gideon enthusiastically.
"Sure," says Diana. "Sammi will become famous and get cast in Nebraska Shore, then she will get assassinated by a mentally unstable fan in 2017."
"That's what I was thinking. Saku will be going to the grocery store to buy beans, and will get into a lethal car crash, in 2073. Stupid old drunk drivers," says Gideon.
"Our minds are so similar," says Diana happily.
Chris is shown at the elimination ceremony.
"All right, Diana and Gideon. Who will get out? Sammi, why don't you tell us," says Chris.
"Gladly," says Sammi. "I pick..."
"Gideon. Crawl back in your little hole."
"Stealth pun," says Rydel. Everyone looks at him.
Gideon shakes his head. "Fine, I guess."
"I picked you cause Diana will be easier to defeat later on, at the final two or whatever. You're powerful, so you're a bigger target. Doesn't matter, you're still out," says Sammi in a sickeningly sweet voice. "Bye-bye!"
"Have fun getting attacked by a disturbed maniac!" says Gideon while leaving for the Lame-o-sine.
"Wait, Gideon," says Diana.
"You two lovechilds going to kiss?" asks Wil enthusiastically.
"Nah. But I made this before the competition. I told myself I would give it to whoever won my heart," says Diana while pulling out a silver skull necklace.
"Aww. I wish a girl gave one of those to me. But I don't like skulls," says Rydel. Minttu looks at him.
"It's amazing. Thanks, dude," says Gideon.
"Eew, what girl likes being called a dude," says Sammi.
"Me," says Diana. "Bye, Gid. I'll win for you."
Gideon waves at her and Wil, and walks to the Lame-o-sine.
"Another shocking elimination! Only six left! Who will get out next as we near the final five? Find out next time on Total... Drama... Culture!"
Chapter 13- "I'm not going down without a fight."
This chapter is written by Zinc.
"Last time on Total Drama Culture," says Chris McLean, "the contestants made less-than-stunning things out of garbage. Wil and Sammi made beautiful artwork, the siblings - thankfully, there's only one set of them now! - and Rydel did so-so, and Diana and Gideon were up for elimination for not trying. In the end, Gideon had to go, but not before giving Diana something to remember him by. Also, there was Elle, Chelsey and Arthur. Will Rydel be able to get Minttu out, now that she knows he knows she was manipulating him for sympathy? Will Sammi do something actually evil for once? Which is the nicer sibling? Find out the answers to all these questions and more, right now!"
The final six are playing Clue.
"Hmm," says Diana, "is it Mrs. White, in the ballroom, with the revolver?"
"I have the revolver," Rydel whispers to her.
"Drat," says Diana.
"My turn!" says Wil.
He rolls two 3's.
"Looks like you rolled three doubles in a row, Wil," says Saku, "Now you have to go to jail."
"There is no jail in-" starts Sammi.
"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," says Saku. "Play along."
"Fine," says Wil. He gets up and starts to do the YMCA.
"You can stop as soon as there's a full house," says Saku.
"Ok- waaaaait a second." Wil stops. "You think I'm dumb, don't you?"
"No, we know you're dumb," Minttu replies.
"..." says Rydel.
Saku is in the confessional. "In case you don't know, my sister and I are both in this to win the money. My parents split, and my siblings and I took sides. Minttu chose Dad, and I chose Mom. Dad is pretty much 'winning' this divorce, so if I don't win, we're in trouble."
"Eenteresting," says Julia, coming out of the toilet.
"..." says Saku.
"Time for a challenge," sings Chris.
"Uh oh," says Diana.
"Today's challenge is based on the Hunger Games," says Chris. "The six of you will be given garbage bags to 'kill' your opponents with by covering them with it. You cannot leave this marked-off zone. Last one bag-less wins immunity."
"O-kay..." says Wil.
"Begin!" Chris yells.
"Already? We haven't got time to strate-mmf mm mmmmf!" protests Minttu, before Diana covers her.
"Alliance?" says Rydel to Saku.
"Sure, here's our plan," says Saku. "You stand her, and I put this bag over you."
Saku covers Rydel. Wil covers Saku and Rydel.
"Bag-ception?" snarks Wil. "No?"
"Mmt frmmy," says Rydel. (Not funny.)
Sammi is too busy watching Kindergartners and Crowns to notice the bag slipping over her head.
"Score!" cheers Diana. "I am unstoppab-" Wil covers Diana with a bag.
"I win!" says Wil.
"Yep," says Chris. "Meet me all at the elimination ceremony."
"So yeah," says Saku in the confessional. "I vote for Minttu, because she just isn't allowed to win."
"I can't tolerate Minty here any longer," says Sammi in the confessional. "She has to go."
"As much as I would love to cut Minttu loose," Rydel explains in the confessional, "Saku is just not a trustworthy ally."
"This chapter feels empty," says Diana in the confessional. "I'm voting for one of the Finnish kids."
"I'm not going down without a fight," says Minttu in the confessional. "Saku is getting a vote from me tonight."
"So it's down to the brother and sister," says Wil in the confessional. "No way, I'm not getting involved. I'm voting for Rydel. He's just too likable, a jury threat."
The Gilded Chris ceremony music plays.
"What happened to the Door?" asks Minttu.
"We all know where it leads to. We got rid of it because Chef's fridge door broke," says Chris. "Anyways, I have five Gilded Chrises. Your team lost - wait, nevermind, you're just the final six. Congratulations!"
"Whatever, just get on with it," sighs Saku.
"Yeah, Kal and Jen Plus Ten won't wait forever," Sammi agrees.
"Ewwwww, you like that show? Last time I saw it, I ended up scrubbing all the vomit out of the carpet," says Rydel.
"Ahem, all eyes on me! It's the Gilded Chris ceremony, not the Gilded Chatterboxes ceremony," Chris says, annoyed.
"So?" Diana raises an eyebrow. "Just pass me my Gilded Chris."
"Well, you didn't win immunity, but you are safe," says Chris. "Wil won immunity, and Sammi received no votes as well." The three get their statuettes.
"Saku, Minttu and Rydel. You three did the worst in this challenge. But I know those aren't the real reasons you are here. The next Gilded Chris goes to... Rydel." Chris passes Rydel a Gilded Chris. "Minttu, we all know about the way you have been treating Rydel. Saku, people have been trying to eliminate you since the start, and you are a huge jerk. The last Gilded Chris of safety goes, undeserved, to..."
"...Saku. Minttu, your time is up, finally. Just go."
Minttu takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry, everyone. Wil, I shouldn't have treated you like that. It was mean of me and unnecessary. Diana, good luck with Gideon, I hope it works out. Sammi, you suck at keeping secrets, what goes around comes around. Saku, I hate you. Daddy does too, I bet. Rydel, I actually do love you."
"Get out of here," says everybody.
"Fine, sheesh," sasy Minttu, and gets on the Lame-o-Sine.
"She's finally gone," says Chris. "Okay, I'm tired, so see you next time on Total Drama Culture!"
Chapter 14: "That was really uncalled for."
"Last time on Total Drama Culture, the final six contestants had a Hunger Games challenge. It was pretty lazy of the producers, picking something that everyone knows about instead of some obscure show, but hey, this show gets good ratings, so I'm not complaining. Anyway, back to the point. The nefarious little Minttu was voted out, leaving her relationships with her brother Saku, as well as Rydel, unknown. It's now the final five. Saku, Rydel, Sammi, Diana, and Wil. Who will be out? Find out on Total... Drama... Culture!"
Rydel is sitting on the couch.
"Man, I can't believe that I liked Minttu at the beginning of the season, now we're mortal enemies. Just goes to show ya, girls can't be trusted," he says.
"Gee, thanks," says Sammi rudely.
"Well, you are kind of a jerk. But you're better than Minttu," says Rydel.
"Thank god she's gone. That chick irritated me," says Diana while reading some book.
"Doesn't everyone irritate you?" asks Wil.
"Yes," says Diana. "Your point?"
"Hefty bag to hold my-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-love. When you move me, everything is groovy," sings Saku.
"Who are you singing about, you dumb sack of potatoes?" asks Sammi.
"Drat," says Saku. "My cover is blown."
"What, you like me?" asks Sammi disgustedly.
"No, he doesn't. He's just singing about garbage bags," says Wil. "Which isn't too unusual, considering the other stuff he does."
"Hey, you're one to talk about unusual things," threatens Saku.
Saku says in the confessional, "Well, my crappy sister is gone. That gives me a chance to win this... Or manipulate Rydel some more. Wil won't be around much longer, Diana is just ehh, and Sammi... I'll take that chick to the final two. Then I'll destroy her, after pretending I like her. Hahaha. Wait, but I do actually like her. Crap..."
"What do you guys think will be our next challenge?" asks Rydel, attempting to start a conversation.
"Something that'll get you out?" asks Sammi rudely.
"Hey, guys, we have a pretty long challenge today," says Chris, barging in rudely. "Wanna come outside?"
"No, not really," says Diana.
"I should have just said, 'come outside'," says Chris irritatedly.
The contestants grumble and begin to walk out of the door.
Chris is then shown outside, wearing a top hat with a purple coat and a colorful outfit.
"What is this, Willy Wonka?" asks Wil skeptically. "If so, why did you not pick me? Wil-ly Wonka?"
"Cause I'm the host," says Chris. "And you're right. This challenge is based on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Now, just like the book and movies, you five will be going across the factory and facing obstacles. The last kid standing wins."
"But what about the Golden Tickets?" asks Rydel.
Chris hands each of them yellow pieces of construction paper with "GOLDEN TICKET" written on them.
"Seriously?" asks Diana. "This is the best you could do."
"Calm down, jeez. Now let's get inside the factory," says Chris.
The contestants follow Chris to the factory doors.
Chef walks up to them in orange face paint and a green wig. "Woompa oompa," he says.
"Chef, I never told you to dress like that, we got a bunch of vertically challenged interns for that," says Chris.
"Ya hired a buncha midgets?" asks Chef.
"Offensive language," says Chris. "But yes."
Chris opens the doors. Inside the factory is a gigantic room filled with life-size candy growing on trees, lots of grass, and a gigantic river made out of chocolate.
"How did you even do that?" asks Saku, with eyes wide.
"It was hard," says Chris. "We bought the factory from Jim Ernieton."
"But, his movie's factory was almost all CGI," says Rydel.
"You trying to question the power of candy?!" says Chris.
"I haven't even seen this movie, whatever it is," says Sammi. "I have no idea what's going on."
"Just... Go inside and eat the candy," says Chris.
The contestants go inside and begin to eat the candy.
Sammi is licking a gigantic lollipop.
"Sammi, you enjoy sucking on things?" asks Saku. "Well, why don't y--"
"NO. THAT LANGUAGE ISN'T ALLOWED HERE," says an intern, popping out of a bush. He whacks Saku on the head with a gigantic candy cane.
Rydel is staring at the chocolate river. "Wow, that's a lot of chocolate."
"I know, right?" asks Wil. "I am tempted to start to drink it, but I know I will fall in. So that's not the best idea."
"Ha, yeah, we all wanna win the challenge, right?" asks Rydel.
"I don't," says Diana, who is sitting there, reading her book.
Chris walks up to them. "So, like the room?"
"This scenery looks almost as fake as your stubble," sneers Rydel. "Did the tanning studio raise their prices again?"
Chris, quite angry, pushes Rydel into the chocolate river.
"That was uncalled for," says Diana.
"Thanks a lot, dude, I was just joking," says Rydel while splashing about violently.
Chris snaps his fingers and a pipe appears out of nowhere. The pipe begins moving closer to Rydel, then sucks him up.
"Look on the bright side. At least he's not morbidly obeeeese, so he won't get stuck," says Sammi. "Although, I wish he got stuck."
"AAAAAH!" yells Rydel, being sucked up by the pipe. "HELP!"
"Will he be made into fudge?" asks Saku nefariously.
"Nah, we have Chef to get him out. Nobody will be forever changed or mutated, we don't want a repeat of TDROTI. Remember what happened, I went to jail. So, yeah," says Chris.
A bunch of interns dressed as Oompa Loompas come out of nowhere and begin to pour ingredients such as sugar into the river.
"Looks like they're gonna treat us to a little song," says Chris happily.
Peppy-sounding music begins to play.
"Oompa loompa doopity doo, I've got a perfect puzzle for you. Oompa loompa doopity dee, if you are wise you'll listen to me," sing the interns. "What do you get when you're constantly sick? A gross little boy who's as smart as a brick. Why don't you try to just blow your nose? That will surely benefit those... Those who are not always sick. Oompa loompa doopity da, if you're in good health you will go far. You will live in crappiness too, like the oompa loompa doopity doo."
"That was a depressing song," says Sammi. "How did they just make that up?"
"They didn't. The producers made a song for every contestant left. We won't use one of them, though," says Chris.
"That's creepy," says Wil.
"Haha, so? You're creepy too," says Chris. "Now, let's go onto the boat."
"Oh, no, not the boat!" pleads Saku.
"You have a messed up mind, I'm sure you'll like it," says Chris.
The four remaining contestants walk onto the boat and sit down, surrounded by Intern-Loompas.
"It can't be THAT bad," says Sammi.
Spooky music begins to start playing, as the boat hurtles through darkness.
A disturbing picture of Dolph's disemboweled head rolling around is shown.
"All right, JK... This is pretty bad!" says Sammi, covering her eyes.
Saku gives a girlish scream and hugs Sammi in fear.
"What are you doing?!" she yells.
Saku lets go and grumbles a curse.
Horrifying pictures of ghosts, banshees, monsters, and bloody, floating body parts are then shown.
"How did you get these pictures?!" yells Wil.
Diana is smiling. "I enjoy this."
The boat then lurches, and the contestants are sent hurtling down a waterfall.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" yells everyone except Chris and Diana.
"What is this, a freak-out?!" yells Saku.
"Most likely, yes," says Chris.
The boat then stops in a small lake. Many illuminated doors are shown, including a door that reads "INVENTING ROOM."
"Oh, look, it's our next stop," says Chris. "Let's get out."
Saku is rolled up into a ball. Sammi yells at him. "Get up, knob."
"I am normally fearless. But that's a little much," says Saku.
Chris opens the door to the Inventing Room. In the room, there are many parts of machinery, strange contraptions, and steam blowing everywhere.
"So, what do we do here?" asks Wil.
"First, lemme show you something, you're gonna love it," says Chris, resting his hand on his chin and making a condescending face.
A machine sputters and shakes back and forth, then dispenses small, hard candies shaped like Chris' head.
"What the crap are those?" asks Saku.
"Everlasting Chrisstoppers. Suck on them all day and they won't get any smaller," says Chris.
"Can we have any?" asks Diana.
"Nope," says Chris evilly, and he pops them all into his mouth.
"Jerk," says Sammi. "I'm hungry."
"Well, there is something you CAN eat. Here you are, a 3-course dinner meal in a piece of gum," says Chris. "Everyone can have one."
"But one of us is going to turn into a blueberry," points out Diana.
"EAT THE GUM," says Chris.
The contestants eat the gum warily.
"Whoa, roast beef and tomato soup. Yummy. I can almost feel it," says Saku.
"Beans and rice. My favorite meal," says Diana sarcastically.
"This tastes like gum," says Sammi, unimpressed.
"Oh, crap," says Wil, looking at his clothes. They begin to bulge, and he starts to inflate. "WHY ME?"
"Because the producers thought it would be amusing," says Chris.
"This isn't amusing!" says Wil.
Wil turns into a blueberry.
"HAHAHA," laughs Saku rudely.
"Am I gonna stay like this forever?" asks Wil sadly.
"Nah, the interns can just poke you with a thumbtack. Your face isn't blue, is it?" asks Chris.
"Kind of," says Wil.
Chris ignores Wil and snaps his fingers, then a bunch of Intern-Loompas come out and begin to sing.
"Oompa loompa doopity doo, I've got another puzzle for you. Oompa loompa doopity dee, if you are wise you'll listen to me," sing the interns. "What do you get when you act like a girl? You act so flamboyant I think I might hurl. Why don't you try to just be like a guy? Or would that maybe make you die... RIP Wil Wiliams. Oompa loompa doopity da, if you're not creepy you will go far. You will live in crappiness too, like the oompa loompa doopity doo."
"What's wrong with embracing his feminine side?" asks Diana.
"Nothing, they just didn't have anything else to sing about," says Chris. "Two naughty little children gone, three nice little children left."
"Didn't I say that a few chapters ago?" asks Saku.
"Yes. I need to stop reusing jokes," says Chris. "Now, onward!"
The three remaining kids as well as Chris walk down a long, narrow hallway.
"What's next, the nuts room?" asks Saku.
"Indeed," says Chris. "You guys like squirrels?"
"No," says everyone left.
"Good!" says Chris. "You'll love this room, then."
Chris opens the door. In the room are a gigantic garbage chute, about 50 squirrels, and a humongous pile of nuts.
"Now, guys, whatever you do, don't get near those squirrels. They're really pissed off at the moment. They keep shelling bad nuts, and I won't pay them," says Chris.
"Well then, if you won't allow us to go down there, what are we supposed to do? How is someone gonna lose the challenge?" asks Saku.
Sammi is texting.
"Like this," says Chris evilly.
Chris picks up Sammi's phone. "Hey, you dick, what are you doing?" yells Sammi.
Chris tosses Sammi's phone and it lands in front of a squirrel.
"Hey, little squirrel. Bring the phone back to me, kay?" pleads Sammi from the balcony.
The squirrel makes whatever noise that squirrels make, then it punches the phone.
"No, don't do that! It will injure my phone," says Sammi.
"Why don't you go rescue it," says Saku nefariously.
"Damn right," says Sammi. "IDC if I get covered in trash. It's freaking worth it. Hang on, I'm coming!"
The squirrel cackles, then tosses Sammi's phone towards the garbage chute.
"NOOOOOOOO!" says Sammi in slow motion.
She then dives toward the chute, still in slow motion, grabs her phone, but still slips and falls down the chute.
"AAAAAAH!" Sammi's screams are heard echoing.
Chris snaps his fingers and a bunch of Intern-Loompas come out.
"Oompa loompa doopity doo, I've got another puzzle for you. Oompa loompa doopity dee, if you are wise you'll listen to me," sing the interns. "What do you get when you're snobby and mean? You act like a princess or maybe a queen. Also, why watch that show, Nebraska Shore? Maybe that's what makes you a slore... I don't like the look of this. Oompa loompa doopity da, if you're not snobby you will go far. You will live in crappiness too, like the oompa loompa doopity doo."
"I wonder what's next?" asks Saku dryly.
"I have to admit, those Loompas' songs are kind of impressing me. Like, I didn't know they could even write," says Diana.
"Obviously, they can," says Saku.
"STFU," says Diana. "Let's just get this over with."
Chris grins. "Time to hop into the Great Chris Elevator, everyone."
"Everyone? There's only two of us," says Diana skeptically.
Chris ignores Diana's comment, then hops into an elevator shaped like his head.
"Can this thing fly or something?" asks Saku.
"Nope, we just thought it would be cool to have an elevator shaped like my head," beams Chris.
"We, as in you," says Diana.
"I wouldn't be rude. You might get thrown out of the elevator," warns Chris.
"I would enjoy hearing the Loompas' song about me, actually," says Diana.
"Whatever," says Chris.
"Hey, this challenge is getting tedious," moans Saku.
"Want me to push you out of the elevator?" says Chris evilly.
Saku shrugs. "Meh."
Chris pushes Saku out of the elevator, while Saku screams loudly.
"Hey, I wanted to see the TV room," says Diana.
"There is none," explains Chris. "We figured someone would say something like that, and we knew that would happen."
"Ugh, Chris, you're getting annoying," grumbles Diana.
The Intern-Loompas pop out of nowhere and begin to sing.
"Oompa loompa doopity doo, I've got another puzzle for you. Oompa loompa doopity dee, if you are wise you'll listen to me," sing the interns. "What do you get when you're grumpy and rude? Pretentious and foul with a bad attitude. But, your sister makes you seem like a saint. Even though you really ain't... I don't like the look of this. Oompa loompa doopity da, if you're not mean then you will go far. You will live in crappiness too, like the oompa loompa doopity doo."
"HAHA. FUNNY," yells a voice from the bottom of the factory.
"It kind of was," says Diana. "Do I get to hear mine?"
"No," says Chris curtly.
The contestants are then shown at the elimination ceremony.
Rydel, who is covered in chocolate, licks his arm.
"Hey, can I have some of that?" asks Saku.
Rydel slowly moves away from Saku.
Sammi, who is completely covered in trash, grunts while texting.
"Can I go take a bath?" she pleads.
"Sure, did you vote?" asks Chris.
"Yeah," says Sammi rudely.
"K, and nobody voted you out, so you can go bathe in privacy," says Chris.
Wil is shown in his boxers, holding what's left of his clothes.
"Uh, why did the interns have to use a pin to pop me?" asks Wil.
"We wanted to put you out of your misery in the fastest way possible," explains an intern.
"Yes, but I don't have any more clothes," says Wil.
An intern tosses him his freshly folded and cleaned clothes. "Now you do."
"...Okay, then," says Wil.
Saku, with a bandage on his head from being pushed, says, "Can't we just see the votes already?"
An intern wheels in a flat-screen TV, which Chris turns on.
Rydel is shown in the confessional in the video. "I vote Saku. Sorry, but he's been rude and manipulative."
Sammi is shown in the confessional in the video. "Uh, that weird chick, Diana."
Saku is shown in the confessional in the video. "I think I'll vote Diana, as well."
Diana is shown in the confessional in the video, while reading. "Muh. Saku."
"All right, Wil, you're the swing vote," says Chris.
Wil begins to sweat.
"Wil, I will kill you..." says Diana.
"I will destroy you emotionally," mutters Saku.
Chris turns the TV to Wil, and it shows...
Wil is shown in the confessional. "Saku."
"..." says Saku. "Guess I should have known. Well, I got better than my sister. If you're watching this, in your face, Minttu."
"Yeah, in your face, Minttu," says Rydel. Everyone looks at him.
Saku walks to the Lame-o-sine, and says something in Finnish.
"Well, that guy's gone. How will the F4 be without a villain?" asks Chris.
"I'm a villain," protests Sammi.
"Yeah, and I'm Ben Franklin," says Diana.
"Find out next time, on Total... Drama... Culture!"
Chapter 15: "This is far from over."
"Last time on Total Drama Culture," says Chris McLean with his usual charm, "the remaining contestants visited a chocolate factory. Rydel got what was coming to him, Wil turned into a blueberry because, Sammi got garbage all over, and Saku had a date... with Miss Gravity. Diana, despite being the last one standing, didn't win immunity! Shocking, huh? Anyways, Saku was voted out. What will happen this time? Find out right now on Total... Drama... Culture!"
Rydel is trying to ride a unicycle.
"Dang, this is hard," he says, clutching the windowsill.
"Why don't you just give up?" Wil says, rolling his eyes.
"I intend to finish what I start," Rydel replies.
"In other words, you intend to go to the end," says Wil.
"Maybe you should pay attention when other people are talking to you," Wil snaps.
"Okay, I'm listennWHAO!" Rydel wipes out and lands on his back. "Please, just let me be!"
Sammi and Diana are playing some dancing game. Sammi is consistently racking up the points, especially with moves practiced on Nebraska Shore. Diana has 80 points because she simply steps in the direction of the onscreen dancer.
"Wow, you've never danced before?" Sammi taunts.
"I used to be the supreme dance-aholic in my class," Diana says without emotion, "but then I-"
"TOOK AN ARROW TO THE KNEE!" Rydel yells.
"What, no! I just stopped caring," Diana continues.
"Challenge time!" Chris yells.
The contestants trudge outside.
"The next challenge is based off One Direction."
"Really?" says Rydel.
"First, flip your hair," says Chris. "Then, get that one thing - an immunity token, for this episode only. Go!"
Everyone except Rydel flips their hair (like nobody else) and runs for the immunity token.
"That is not fair, my hair is too short!" Rydel complains.
"Found the token," Diana says.
"That was quick," says Wil. "Wow."
"Uhhh... Gilded Chris ceremony!" says Chris awkwardly quickly.
"We got 4 votes," says Chris.
"NO CRAP SHERLOCK," says Diana.
"Anyways, Rydel got no votes and Diana is safe, so... yeah." The two run and grab their Gilded Chrises.
"The last statuette of me goes to..."
"...Sammi. Wil, your time is up."
"What? That hardly makes sense at all!" Wil complains.
"You got every vote except your own, Wil. Time to go," says Chris.
Wil grumbles and gets into the Lame-o-Sine, when Kaite springs out.
"Hey guys, I'm back! Chris, I looked over the contract. for a contestant to be removed from the game, they mustbe on the losing team and receive the most votes or sustain a major injury. Since my team got second, I was never actually eliminated! So, yeah, I'm back now."
"Nope! You forgot section 1 paragraph 8 line 5. If a contestant willingly ejects him or herself from the game, he or she is to be treated as a contestant who received the most votew at an elimination ceremony. Kaite, go back into the Lame-o-Sine." Chris smirks.
"What!?" Kaite yells. "I'm not going back there, Chris. I am making that clear!" By this point, Chef has grabbed Kaite and is about to throw her in the Lame-o-Sine.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Kaite yells as the door shuts behind her.
"That was shocking. Find out what will happen next time!" Chris smiles, showing off his glimmering white teeth for no apparent reason.
Bold names in green and purple are Toad's characters.
Plain names in orange and green are Zinc's characters.
Bold names in other colours are characters who made the merge. With the exception of Minttu, Rydel and Saku, all are Toad's characters.
A gold "Out", "Quit" or finale square means that this contestant is advancing to the second season.
|Total Drama School ∙ Total Drama: Tiki Jungle ∙ Total Drama Revolution ∙ Total Drama Tokyo ∙ Total Drama: Superstar Showdown|
|Total Drama Culture ∙ Total Drama: Paper Adventures ∙ Total Drama Arcade|
|Total Pojab Island ∙ Total Drama Guam ∙ Total Drama: Peaceful Greens'|
|Mystery Dungeon Island|
|Total Drama Culture ∙ Total Drama Expedition ∙ Total Drama: Desperate Survival|