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This is it. This is what I became a registered user to promote.

From the author of Legacy. This compilation has a page on

Rated PG-13 for high concept that may be over the heads of younger readers.


Status Updates

I had to add this section because the entire page has become too large to edit easily.

  • 18 June 2012: Added video for "The NIghtmare Song" (incidents 06.07, 06/08, & 21.01)
  • 25 June: Added videos for Cody/Gwen relationship theme song & reprise theme to their character pages; also replaced "dead" video for Cody's theme song on his character page
  • 9 July: Added section collecting links to the character pages; added video for Trent's theme song to his character page
  • 9 October: added verse and incident reference for the sumo wrestler (episode #7); added Sumo Wrestler section to the Bit Players character page

All episode chapters are now posted, although supplemental work (especially on the character pages) will continue sporadically for some time to come.


What if Gilbert and Sullivan had written Total Drama Island?

The verses presented here are drawn from the Gilbert & Sullivan series of operettas, sometimes with an introductory recitative that itself may be in either rhymed or blank verse, and describe in some way TDI characters or incidents. Excluding such things as repetitions by the chorus and blank verse in the spoken dialogue, over 70% of all the verse content from the 14 Gilbert & Sullivan plays fits characters or incidents from Total Drama Island, a (purportedly) children’s television show written over a century later. Truly, as the adage has it, “There is nothing new under the sun.”


Legal Notice

Total Drama Island, its characters and their distinctive likenesses are the property of Fresh TV, Inc. The Gilbert and Sullivan operettas are in the public domain, due to their age, but the actual performances of those plays are generally the property of their respective performing companies.

The compiler believes, but cannot guarantee, that the use of various screenshots from the Total Drama Island episodes constitutes “fair use”.


Full Version vs. Wiki Version

The full version of this compilation (about 500 pages in PDF format, 52 MB) is available for download.

The wiki version and the full version differ in several ways. These differences stem mainly from the wiki’s technical characteristics, with the wiki’s administrative policies playing a lesser role.

The differences are:

  • The full version is intended for a general-interest website, and so assumes no prior knowledge of TDI. (Indeed, the whole purpose of combining TDI with G&S is to introduce to one people who are familiar with the other.) Accordingly, the full version has a substantial “Introduction to ‘’Total Drama Island’’” section, with general commentary on the show and descriptions and headshots of the characters. In the wiki version, the character descriptions and images appear on the character pages, and the general commentary on the show is omitted. The full version also has brief character development notes at the end of each episode’s plot summary, and the wiki version retains these because some have verse references attached to them.
  • In the wiki version, hyperlinked character names link to the character pages. In the full version, they link to the character articles on the main TD wiki.
  • In the wiki version, character theme songs appear on the character pages. In the full version, the theme songs are collected in an Appendix.
  • The full version uses a great deal of specialized formatting that the wiki either doesn’t support or supports halfheartedly, so some differences in the formatting of verses will be evident.
  • The full version is heavily illustrated with roughly 700 screenshots (some of which appear more than once) from the TDI episodes. The wiki cannot support that level of illustration, because it would make the page load too slowly and might slow down the search function as well. (Search functionality is crucial to a satisfactory experience with this compilation, as explained in the Guide to Incidents.)
  • Clicking a hyperlink opens a new window (or tab) in the full version, but navigates away from the page in the wiki version. The full version is therefore recommended for readers who will be making extensive use of the hyperlinks.
  • The wiki version supplements the MIDI file links with music videos for some of the songs, mostly on the character pages. The full version does not include these videos for technical reasons, and relies exclusively on the MIDI files.


Introduction to Gilbert & Sullivan

W.S. (William Schwenck) Gilbert (1836-1911) and Arthur Sullivan (1842-1900) collaborated on 14 operettas—if written today, they would be called musicals—from 1871 through 1896. All but the first were produced by Richard D’Oyly Carte and his Company, in which Gilbert and Sullivan eventually became business partners. These three were major players in transforming Victorian theater from bawdy adult entertainment to respectable family fare.

The “main sequence”, the 11 plays that remain popular to this day, begins with Trial By Jury (1875) and ends with The Gondoliers (1889). The Mikado is Gilbert & Sullivan’s greatest hit (although Iolanthe is the compiler’s favorite), with H.M.S. Pinafore, The Pirates Of Penzance, and The Mikado often called “The Big Three”, and those three plus The Gondoliers sometimes described as “The Big Four”.

Of the three outside the main sequence, none were hits in their first run, although only The Grand Duke was considered a failure. Today, none of the three are performed with any frequency.

Thespis can no longer be performed in its original form, because most of the music has been lost. (Many new scores have been written for Thespis, using either Sullivan music from other sources or original music in Sullivan’s style, but none of these replacement scores have gained wide acceptance.) Only two songs from Thespis are known to survive: one because it was published as a standalone ballad; and the other because it was recycled, with a few minor changes in the words, in The Pirates Of Penzance. Some ballet music from Thespis also survives.

Utopia, Limited is rarely performed because it is too elaborate for most theater companies; it has a large cast of principals, with most of the cast and chorus requiring two costumes. The Grand Duke is even more rarely performed because, fairly or not, it has been widely regarded (by Gilbert himself, among others) as being of inferior quality.

As was common at the time, most of the operettas (the name meaning “little opera”) have secondary titles. These are usually more descriptive than the often-cryptic primary titles, and so gave the audiences of Gilbert’s day a better idea of what to expect. For example, the primary title H.M.S. Pinafore (a warship named after a little girl’s garment) told audiences only that they should expect something funny. The secondary title, The Lass That Loved A Sailor, told them to expect romance.

Trial By Jury and The Sorcerer do not have secondary titles because the primary titles are descriptive enough. Conversely, Castle Adamant, the secondary title for Princess Ida, is just as cryptic as the primary.

Most of the operettas are, at their core, love stories or otherwise concerned with romantic attachments. Reflecting the fact that people typically married at younger ages in Gilbert’s time than they do today, most of Gilbert’s romantic leads are quite young by today’s standards, with most of the heroes in their early to mid-20s and most of the heroines in their late teens. (Elsie Maynard, heroine of The Yeomen of the Guard, is only 16 years old—the same age as the TDI contestants—yet is married by the end of the play.) As Frederick, the romantic hero of The Pirates of Penzance, notes, “A man of 21 usually looks for a wife of 17.”

A distinctively Gilbertian aspect of these love stories is the consistent attitude that most people can easily change romantic partners. This made happy ending easier to contrive. Thus, a heroine who becomes estranged from the hero tends to immediately turn to someone else, usually the hero’s main rival; and when the hero and heroine are subsequently reconciled, the rival immediately (and, apparently, sincerely) pledges undying love to whichever unattached lady is closest at hand.

If Gilbert and Sullivan had written Total Drama Island, the most obvious difference is that the national references would probably have been British instead of Canadian. One thing that would probably not have been different is for the stories to be any more logical or plausible. As the famous Gilbert & Sullivan actor Martyn Green noted in his annotation, A Treasury Of Gilbert & Sullivan, “It is pointless to logically analyze Gilbert’s plots, because not one of them will stand up to logical analysis.” When Gilbert needed something to happen, such as having the chorus emphasize the soloist’s points or getting a female chorus aboard a warship, he was not inclined to let little things like implausibility stop him. In any case, plausibility is less important to comedy than to drama, especially when the comedy is as absurdity-driven as Gilbert’s.

Most of the operettas have two acts. The exceptions are Trial By Jury, which is a one-act curtain raiser; and Princess Ida, which has three acts. All but The Yeomen of the Guard are comedies. Six of the first seven (excepting only Thespis) are set in Gilbert’s own time, but five of the last seven are period pieces—not that Gilbert was much concerned with continuity of setting, witness the anachronisms from his own time that tend to litter his period pieces.

Thespis, or The Gods Grown Old (premiered 1871): The Olympian gods are upset with the decline of their influence in the mortal world. Indeed, the best thing their worshippers now sacrifice to them is “preserved Australian beef”. When a theatre troupe climbs Mount Olympus on a day out, Jupiter appoints the troupe director (Thespis) and his companions to assume the Olympians’ offices for a year, whilst the latter go into the mortal world, incognito, to learn how they might revive their waning prestige. Mercury, who has recently been doing all the other gods’ work for them because he is younger and more energetic than they, remains on Olympus to advise the “deputy deities”. Naturally, Thespis and his troupe make a mess of things, so the gods are none too pleased when they return.

Conceived as a holiday entertainment, Thespis ran for 63 performances—the shortest opening run of any of the Gilbert & Sullivan operettas, although it was reasonably successful for its purpose. In lieu of a more detailed plot summary, click the link provided for the libretto text. Excluding repetitions, 72% of the play’s total verse content appears in this compilation.

Trial by Jury (1875): The only play in the series with no spoken dialogue. Angelina, the plaintiff, is suing Edwin, the defendant, for breach of promise of marriage. The suit is dismissed when the smitten judge decides to marry the beautiful plaintiff himself.

Click the link provided for a more detailed plot summary. Trial by Jury had an opening run of 131 performances, but was quickly revived for additional performances. Excluding repetitions, 56% of the play’s total verse content appears in this compilation.

The Sorcerer (1877): Alexis and Aline, two young aristocrats with decidedly egalitarian views, have just been betrothed to each other. (Their parents, Sir Marmaduke and Lady Sangazure, have a lost love of their own.) Determined that the entire village should share their joy—love for its own sake, without regard for artificial barriers such as wealth, rank or age—Alexis commissions a professional Family Sorcerer, one John Wellington Wells, to spike the banquet tea with a love potion. (The potion, according to Mr. Wells, is “compounded according to the strictest principles”, and so will not affect those villagers who are already married.)

The potion leads to many odd pairing, just as Alexis intended. He is undone, however, when, under the potion’s influence, Aline herself falls in love with someone else.

The only way to reverse the love potion’s effects is for either Mr. Wells (who created the potion) or Alexis (who hired Mr. Wells) to die. Because Alexis is the romantic hero and an aristocrat besides, whereas Mr. Wells is neither, the sorcerer is naturally the one who dies.

Click the link provided for a more detailed plot summary. The Sorcerer had an opening run of 175 performances, which was enough to persuade Gilbert and Sullivan to collaborate again, although the play did not truly become a hit until it was revived (along with Trial by Jury) seven years later. Excluding repetitions and blank verse in the spoken dialogue, 70% of the play’s total verse content appears in this compilation.

H.M.S. Pinafore, or The Lass That Loved a Sailor (1878): Ralph (pronounced Raife) Rackstraw, a crewman on the good ship Pinafore, is pining for Josephine, the daughter of his commanding officer, Captain Corcoran. In a class-conscious society, this poses serious problems, especially with a high-ranking government official, one Sir Joseph Porter, seeking Josephine’s hand in marriage.

Josephine also loves Ralph; but because his social station is much lower than hers, she cannot bring herself to admit her feelings until she sees Ralph about to commit suicide. The couple makes plans to elope, but the Captain gets wind of the plot. Ralph is arrested, but a local peddler, a woman known as “Little Buttercup”, comes to his defense. She has been hinting at a dark secret throughout the story, and now reveals it: she accidentally switched Ralph and the Captain in infancy, so both men have been living in social stations they don’t belong in. (As with a similar incident in The Gondoliers, nobody dreams of asking for proof.)

Even before this revelation, Josephine’s social station was considerably below Sir Joseph’s. Because she, like her father, is now lower-class, the new class differential is simply too great, and Josephine is no longer acceptable to Sir Joseph. Ralph can now marry Josephine, and her widower father can now marry Little Buttercup, whom he has long been fond of and who is now in the same social class as he. With the typically Gilbertian “any spouse is better than no spouse” attitude, Sir Joseph settles for one of his many cousins.

Corcoran, somehow restored to a captaincy, reappears briefly in Utopia, Limited.

Click the links provided for a more detailed plot summary; a tongue-in-cheek Short Attention Span summary; or a children's book adaptation of the Pinafore story, written by Gilbert himself. H.M.S. Pinafore was Gilbert & Sullivan’s first blockbuster hit, with an opening run of 571 performances. Excluding repetitions, 74% of the play’s total verse content appears in this compilation.

The Pirates of Penzance, or The Slave of Duty (1880): The only play in the series to have its official premiere in the United States, Pirates played in New York for some three months before its formal London premiere. The primary title contains a joke, in that Penzance was a resort town in Gilbert’s day.

Frederick, who was erroneously apprenticed to a pirate (instead of a ship’s pilot, as he was supposed to be), has reached the age of 21 and has therefore completed his apprenticeship. He decides to leave the pirates and go into law enforcement. Complications arise when it is discovered that Fredrick’s apprenticeship is scheduled to end on his 21st birthday—not when he reaches the age of 21—and that he was born on February 29.

The pirates have trouble making money at their piracy because they are too tenderhearted. For example, they make a point of never molesting orphans; but this scruple has become common knowledge, so everyone they capture claims to be an orphan. When the pirates capture the daughters of Major General Stanley, with the intent of marrying them on the spot (this is respectable Victorian theater, so the manly pirates’ first thought is to get married), the Major General claims to be an orphan and the pirates immediately relent.

When the pirates later learn of the deception, they plan a bloody vengeance. When they have General Stanley at their mercy, though, their tenderheartedness is once again their undoing. When the police squad they have just defeated demand their surrender in the name of Queen Victoria, the pirates comply without a second thought because they love their Queen. When it is revealed that the pirates are not commoners, but are noblemen who have gone wrong, they escape prosecution and get to marry General Stanley’s daughters after all.

Click the links provided for a more detailed plot summary or the Short Attention Span summary. Upon formally opening in London, Pirates ran for 363 performances. Excluding repetitions, 71% of the play’s total verse content appears in this compilation.

Patience, or Bunthorne’s Bride (1881): Satirizes the Aesthetic poets, of which Oscar Wilde is the best known today (although Wilde was a secondary figure when Patience was written). Of all the Gilbert & Sullivan plays, therefore, the subject matter of Patience seems the most remote to modern audiences. Aestheticism, the central tenet of which was Art for its own sake, was a fad of Gilbert’s day and did not have lasting impact.

Reginald Bunthorne, the local poet Aesthete (who, contrary to popular belief, was not patterned after Wilde) can have any woman in town he wants, except for the one he does want: Patience, the village milkmaid, who understands neither poetry nor love. When a rival poet, one Archibald Grosvenor (called “Archibald the All-Right”, because he is infallible) appears, Patience naturally falls in love with him, but still doesn’t understand love any better than she did before.

Because her only knowledge of love comes from seeing the symptoms of unrequited love and from the flowery, idealized statements of women suffering from unrequited love, Patience has fundamental misconceptions as to what love is all about, and of how being in love is supposed to feel. Believing that love must be utterly selfless and that being in love is supposed to feel unpleasant, she rejects Grosvenor because she believes loving such a perfect man is too selfish to qualify as love. She declares her love for Bunthorne because she thinks she is supposed to, although she actually finds him repellant.

Bunthorne eventually persuades his rival Grosvenor to renounce aestheticism and become completely ordinary—something Grosvenor, tired of being madly loved on sight by every woman he encounters, was looking for an excuse to do anyway. This victory, however, has an effect that Bunthorne did not count on. The village women follow Grosvenor’s lead in renouncing aestheticism, because “The All-Right cannot be all wrong.” With Grosvenor now utterly unremarkable, Patience decides it is no longer selfish to love him. The other women return to the soldiers they had forsaken for Bunthorne, and the joke of the secondary title becomes apparent: having cultivated an artificial personality for the sake of “a morbid love of admiration”, Bunthorne has been left out in the cold, with no bride at all and deprived of the female admirers he so coveted.

Gilbert originally intended to satirize the clergy instead of the aesthetic poets, but was deterred by the controversy over Dr. Daly, vicar of Ploverleigh in The Sorcerer. Although Dr. Daly was a respectable and sympathetic character with no real eccentricities, there were too many people who objected to the idea of religious officials being depicted in comic opera in any capacity. The line “your style is much to sanctified—your cut is too canonical” (i.e. “your style is too saintly—your clothing is too parsonish”) from the Act II duet, “So go to him and say to him” is a vestige of Gilbert’s original intent.

Click the links provided for a more detailed plot summary or the Short Attention Span summary. Patience had an opening run of 578 performances, exceeding even that of H.M.S. Pinafore, although Patience would not have the lasting impact of the earlier play. Excluding repetitions, 73% of Patience’s total verse content appears in this compilation.

Iolanthe, or The Peer and the Peri (1882): Iolanthe is a fairy, banished from her clan for marrying a mortal. This is normally a capital crime in Fairyland, but she got her sentence commuted by faking her death in the mortal world—albeit not before she conceived a half-mortal son, Strephon, now 24 years old. Strephon wants to marry his love, Phyllis; but because she is a ward of the court and has not reached the age of consent (which was 21 at the time), they cannot marry without the Lord Chancellor’s approval, which he is unwilling to give. To make matters worse, the ageless fairies all look like teenaged girls; so, when Phyllis sees Strephon talking to his mother, Strephon’s rivals easily convince Phyllis that he is cheating on her.

Only Iolanthe knows—and cannot reveal, under pain of death—that Strephon is the Lord Chancellor’s son. When the Lord Chancellor decides to marry Phyllis himself, it appears that Iolanthe’s only option is to sacrifice herself for her son. She is saved when, at the point of execution, all her sisters reveal that they have also taken mortal husbands, all from the House of Lords. The Fairy Queen laments, “You have all incurred death—but I can’t slaughter the whole company,” so her only recourse is to change the law. Because the revised law states that fairies must marry mortals, the Fairy Queen takes on a handsome soldier, and makes all the new husbands immortal. (Apparently, having been born mortal is enough to satisfy the new Fairy Law.)

Click the links provided for a more detailed plot summary or the Short Attention Span summary. Iolanthe had an opening run of 398 performances. Excluding repetitions, 74% of the play’s total verse content appears in this compilation.

Princess Ida, or Castle Adamant (1884): Based on The Princess, an earlier Gilbert play satirizing Tennyson’s poem of the same name, which deals with the subject of higher education for women and equality of the sexes. Gilbert, being a man of his era, was dismissive of these notions. Of all the operettas, therefore, it is Princess Ida whose satire feels the most out of step with modern sensibilities. Gilbert used the same character names as Tennyson had, with the same plot basics, so the now-cryptic primary title was descriptive enough for audiences that were familiar with Tennyson’s poem.

The only operetta in the series with its spoken dialogue written in blank verse instead of prose, Princess Ida was also the first period piece of Gilbert & Sullivan’s “main sequence”. The setting date is not stated, but the story has a generally medieval flavor. There are, however, numerous anachronisms from Gilbert’s own time.

Ida, daughter of King Gama, was betrothed in infancy to Prince Hilarion, son of King Hildebrand, but has broken that betrothal to found a women’s college at Castle Adamant, one of her father’s properties. This means war between Gama and Hildebrand, unless Ida can be persuaded to relent.

Hilarion and his companions, Cyril and Florian, infiltrate the school and disguise themselves as students. When Ida finds them out, she pronounces sentences of death upon them—despite the fact that Hilarion has just saved her life—but is interrupted when Hildebrand’s forces attack the castle.

A central tenet of Ida’s teachings is that women should have nothing to do with men. When her plans come to ruin, she grudgingly accepts Hilarion but insists that Posterity would have thanked her had she succeeded in attaining her vision. She is disarmed, though, when Hildebrand asks the obvious question: if she had succeeded in persuading all women to abjure men, how would that Posterity have been provided?

Click the links provided for a more detailed plot summary or the Short Attention Span summary. Princess Ida had an opening run of 246 performances, which was disappointing in comparison to some of the earlier plays. Excluding repetitions and the blank verse of the spoken dialogue, 92% of the play’s total verse content appears in this compilation.

The Mikado, or The Town of Titipu (1885): Gilbert chose a Japanese veneer for this operetta, one of the most popular light operas ever written, because England was in the midst of a popular craze for all things Japanese. (Bunthorne refers to this in Patience.) Gilbert made little effort at authenticity because, beneath the Japanese trappings, he was (as always) actually satirizing Great Britain. Queen Victoria, herself no great fan of the operettas, pointed this out to the Japanese government when the latter objected to the way the title character is portrayed.

Nanki-Poo, an itinerant minstrel—actually the Mikado’s son, traveling incognito—comes to town looking for his old flame Yum-Yum, believing that her betrothed (whom she did not love) is now out of the way. He learns that said betrothed is not only still in the picture, but is now quite powerful. Further complications arise when Nanki-Poo’s own betrothed, Katisha (whom he likewise does not love, and who is neither young nor pretty) tracks him down. The situation becomes still more complicated when town officials learn that they have come to the Mikado’s unwelcome attention for unrelated reasons.

Click the links provided for a more detailed plot summary; the Short Attention Span summary; or a children's book adaptation of the Mikado story, written by Gilbert himself. The Mikado was Gilbert and Sullivan’s greatest hit, with an opening run of 672 performances, and remains their most popular collaboration to this day. Excluding repetitions, 76% of the play’s total verse content appears in this compilation.

Ruddigore, or The Witch’s Curse (1887): A period piece, set during the reign of Napoleon, and satirizing the melodrama form—complete with witches and curses, bad baronets (the villain of these melodramas invariably being a baronet), ghosts, madwomen and crimes. These melodramas were known for moral absolutism, so Gilbert’s topsy-turvy treatment of the medium produced a story where good becomes bad, bad becomes good, and heroes take the easy way out.

When an ancestor of the Murgatroyd house burned a certain witch at the stake, she cursed him and his family with her dying breaths. Under the terms of the curse, the ruling baronet of Ruddigore will die if he does not commit at least one serious crime every day. Ruthven (pronounced Rivven), the eldest nephew of the late Roderic Murgatroyd, escaped this curse by faking his death before his childless uncle died, so the office and the attendant curse fell to his younger brother, Despard. Ruthven, living under the name of Robin Oakapple, is eventually exposed and must become Baronet after all. Despard, relieved of the curse, reforms on the spot, intending to lead a blameless life henceforth.

The curse is finally broken when Ruthven realizes that refusing to commit his daily crime amounts to suicide—but that attempting suicide is itself a serious crime (and would remain so in Britain until the 1960s).

As it pertains to this compilation, Ruddigore is remarkable in that it has three major characters who have more than passing similarity to TDI characters: Robin (Ezekiel); Despard (Duncan); and Mad Margaret (Izzy).

Click the links provided for a more detailed plot summary or the Short Attention Span summary. Ruddigore (originally Ruddygore, a rude term meaning “red blood”) had an opening run of 288 performances, which was considered a disappointment after the runaway success of its immediate predecessor, The Mikado. Excluding repetitions, 87% of Ruddigore’s total verse content appears in this compilation.

The Yeomen of the Guard, or The Merryman and His Maid (1888): The only tragedy in the series, this period piece is set in England’s Tudor period, probably c. 1540 AD.

For legal reasons, a condemned prisoner, one Col. Fairfax, wishes to marry before he is executed, and offers a large payment to any girl who is willing to oblige him. There is no expectation that the marriage will be consummated, but that is apparently not a requirement—indeed, the ceremony is to be conducted under such conditions that bride and groom won’t even see each other.

Jack Point (the merryman) and his betrothed, Elsie (the maid) desperately need money to obtain medical attention for Elsie’s mother, so they agree that Elsie may accommodate Fairfax. Naturally, Fairfax escapes from the Tower of London and disappears, leaving Elsie’s status in limbo.

Fairfax has, in fact, escaped with the aid of the Guard’s Sergeant Meryll (who owes Fairfax his life from a long-ago battle) and Meryll’s daughter, Phoebe (who loves Fairfax). The Merylls disguise Fairfax and pass him off as Phoebe’s brother, Leonard, who is scheduled to join the Guard.

The disguised Fairfax, having learned that Elsie is his mysterious bride, approaches her and woos her so skillfully that she falls in love with him. When Fairfax is later pardoned, and so can reveal himself, all is lost for Jack. Heartbroken, and (according to some depictions) in chronically poor health in any case, Jack meets the usual fate of heartbroken clowns—he dies. (According to Gilbert, at any rate. The actual stage directions are ambiguous.)

As it pertains to this compilation, the setting and story of Yeomen make it a rich source of verses for events surrounding the elimination ceremony, which is, after all, a metaphor for death.

Click the links provided for a more detailed plot summary or the Short Attention Span summary. Yeomen had an opening run of 423 performances. Excluding repetitions, 77% of the play’s total verse content appears in this compilation.

The Gondoliers, or The King of Barataria (1889): The last of the Gilbert & Sullivan “main sequence”, and arguably the most dance-heavy operetta in the series, this period piece is set in the year 1750 A.D. The large cast is the result of Gilbert, upset with the salary demands of one of the D’Oyly Carte Opera Company’s stars, declaring that he would write an opera with no main characters.

Brothers Marco and Guiseppe, and their new brides Tessa and Gianetta, are shocked to discover that the men are not actually brothers, as they had believed, and that one (but nobody is really sure which) is the only son of the late King of Barataria. It is arranged that the “brothers” will rule jointly until it can be determined which of them is the actual king. Being ardent Republicans (i.e. anti-monarchist), they run an extraordinarily egalitarian court. Complications arise when the co-monarchs learn that the king was party to an arranged marriage in infancy, meaning that either Tessa’s or Gianetta’s marriage is not valid.

The maiden who stands to become the Queen of Barataria is no happier about the arranged marriage, as she has fallen in love with Luiz, one of her father’s employees.

In a typically Gilbertian twist, it is eventually revealed that neither brother is heir to the Baratarian throne, after all, and that Luiz actually has that distinction. (As with a similar incident in H.M.S. Pinafore, nobody dreams of asking for proof. An old woman’s word is enough.) So, “on one point rather sore, but on the whole, delighted”, the brothers must relinquish the reins of government, but can resume their carefree lives in Venice with their chosen wives.

Click the links provided for a more detailed plot summary or the Short Attention Span summary. Hailed by critics of Gilbert’s day as “the second Mikado”, The Gondoliers was—and remains, to this day—the most popular of Gilbert & Sullivan’s late operettas, with an opening run of 554 performances. Excluding repetitions, 76% of the play’s total verse content appears in this compilation.

Utopia, Limited, or The Flowers of Progress (1893): The most lavish production in the series, this play satirizes virtually all things British, but especially the concept of limited liability (i.e. incorporation of businesses), which Gilbert considered dishonest.

Princess Zara, eldest daughter of King Paramount of Utopia, returns home after completing her studies at a prestigious English university. She brings with her several advisors, collectively known as “The Flowers Of Progress”, whose job is to bring the blessings of British-style civilization to the Anglophilic Utopians.

The Flowers propose sweeping reforms, which King Paramount (who tends to govern by poll, in any case) sees as a way to get out from under the thumb of Utopia’s two Wise Men, Scaphio and Phantis. The duty of these two is to have the King put to death if he behaves irresponsibly or immorally, but they have abused this power to the point that the King has effectively become their slave.

The Flowers’ reforms produce various unpleasant side effects because they work too well. For example, there is no longer any sickness, so the doctors are starving; and there is no crime nor litigation, so the lawyers are starving. The balance is restored when Zara realizes that she and the Flowers had omitted a single critical reform: government by party, which insures that “no political measure can endure.”

The story of Utopia, Limited includes a subplot that appears to be loosely based on the story of Anna Leonowens, whose memoirs are the basis for the story of the 1944 book, Anna and the Kind of Siam and the related 1951 musical, The King and I.

Click the links provided for a more detailed plot summary or the Short Attention Span summary. Utopia, Limited ran for 245 performances—decent enough in absolute terms, but a disappointment in comparison to what Gilbert and Sullivan were accustomed to, especially in light of the relatively high production costs. Excluding repetitions, 67% of the play’s total verse content appears in this compilation.

The Grand Duke, or The Statutory Duel (1896): A period piece set, like The Gondoliers, in the year 1750 A.D. because the story required a setting predating the 19th Century unification of Germany. Some elements of the story, which is the most convoluted in the series, feel like a remake of Thespis.

Ernest Dummkopf (the name meaning, essentially, “idiot”) and his theater troupe are plotting to overthrow Grand Duke Rudolph and seize control of his impoverished, hole-in-the-wall realm of Pfennig Halbpfennig (“Penny Halfpenny”). When a ridiculous blunder by Ludwig, the troupe’s comedian, alerts the government to the plot, all seems lost for the conspirators. Ludwig salvages the situation by overthrowing Rudolph in a bloodless “Statutory Duel”, tricking the sickly and miserable despot into agreeing to a predetermined outcome.

In the Statutory Duel, the duelists each draw a card from a deck, with the highest card winning. The loser “dies” for all legal purposes, but is physically unharmed, and the winner steps into the loser’s shoes, assuming his position and obligations. Rudolph produces a King and Ludwig an Ace, so Rudolph “dies” and Ludwig becomes the new Grand Duke.

As the new Grand Duke, Ludwig models his court on ancient Athens, mainly so the troupe can use its Troilus and Cressida costumes as their courtly attire. The balance is eventually restored when it is discovered that, in a Statutory Duel, the Ace counts as the lowest card, not the highest. Because the Statutory Duel Act is expiring—Ludwig’s attempt to extend it was not valid because he didn’t win his duel with Rudolph—the “dead” people “come back to life”. An unrelated improvement in Rudolph’s fortunes leaves him in a forgiving mood, and the conspirators know better than to have another go at deposing him, so all ends happily.

Click the links provided for a more detailed plot summary or the Short Attention Span summary. The Grand Duke was considered a failure, perhaps not entirely of its own making, running for only 123 performances. Excluding repetitions, 57% of the play’s total verse content appears in this compilation.


Notes on Verse Selection

As might be expected, most of the references are metaphorical to some degree, but some references are remarkably literal. Conversely, some verses fit more for their mood than for their description of events.

The most common and important metaphor in the selection of verses is that characters in respectable Victorian theatre talk about getting married in much the same sense as teens and young adults today talk about hooking up—a parallel enhanced by the “any spouse is better than no spouse” attitude that tends to prevail among Gilbert’s characters. Furthermore, most of Gilbert’s romantic heroines are teenagers, reflecting the fact that people generally married younger in Gilbert’s time than they typically do today. This compilation, for the most part, treats Victorian (stage) marriage vs. modern hookup as a simple substitution.

It is somewhat rare for an entire song to fit a single TDI character or incident. It is far more common for one portion of a song to fit one TDI character (or group of characters) or incident, while another portion of the same song fits another. The most obvious example is “A Wandering Minstrel, I” from The Mikado, where each verse represents a different type of song from the minstrel’s repertoire. There are many instances of a three-verse song having each verse applied to a different character.

In some cases, the characters noted would be singing these verses; in others, someone else would be singing to them or about them. For the most part, it is reasonably clear which is which. Some verses refer to the character’s personality or background, but most refer to specific incidents from one episode or another. The latter are so noted, and this compilation includes a guide to these incidents.

In some cases, a verse’s mood is directly opposite the mood of the Total Drama Island incident to which it is assigned. Thus, a verse originally sung in earnest might be sung ironically or sarcastically for the TDI incident. These cases are so noted. An example of this comes from Iolanthe, where a verse sung in earnest for the return of the beloved Iolanthe could be sung in bitter irony for the return of TDI’s universally reviled Eva. Gilbert was a great lover—and a great purveyor—of antithetical humor (i.e., “topsy-turvydom”), so these reversals would probably have appealed to him.

Because most of the Gilbert & Sullivan plays are, at their core, love stories or otherwise concerned with romantic attachments, many of the verses in this compilation pertain to couples (or, in the case of Cody, to rejected suitors) with a good deal of thematic repetition. For example, a single TDI incident—Trent’s perceived betrayal of Gwen—has relevant verses in several plays. For the same reason, the Total Drama Island episodes most heavily referenced in this compilation tend to be those featuring pivotal events in romantic relationships.

Due to the types of characters that tend to appear in these plays, the verses pertaining to some TDI characters may tend to focus on peripheral aspects. Chef Hatchet’s verses, for instance, typically refer to his military background rather than to his cooking or his jack-of-all-trades support role. Likewise, the verses for characters such as Tyler and Bridgette focus mainly on their love lives.

For similar reasons, this compilation may cast some TDI characters in a somewhat different light than the TV show did. Most notably, Cody’s verses, with their emphasis on unrequited love, tend to depict a much more tragic figure than the one Total Drama Island portrays.

Several of the Gilbert & Sullivan operettas—especially Ruddigore—have characters with meaningful similarities to a Total Drama Island character. For example, a third of Justin’s verses come from Patience because a character in that play has a similar effect on women.

Conversely, two plays feature characters that amount to avatars for different aspects of Gilbert himself. These avatars are the thoroughly disagreeable King Gama in Princess Ida, through whom Gilbert acknowledges his reputation for unlikeability; and the more sympathetic Jack Point in The Yeomen of the Guard, through whom Gilbert boasts of his comic prowess and demonstrates his talent for self-pity.


Technical Notes

To provide some access to Sullivan’s music without running afoul of copyright issues—the music and lyrics are in the public domain, but most of the actual performances are not—this compilation links extensively to the “Web Operas” in the Gilbert & Sullivan Archive. These Web Operas provide downloadable MIDI (synthesizer) files for substantially all of the Gilbert & Sullivan music that survives and, for nine of the operettas, MIDI karaoke files as well. The lyrics on the Web Opera pages include all repetitions, the better to allow readers so inclined to sing along. The sequencing of MIDI karaoke files appears to be a project in progress as of this writing, with karaoke files provided for most of the earlier operettas but not for most of the later ones.

Additional links to the Archive provide supplemental information both for the operettas themselves and on various other topics related to Gilbert and/or Sullivan.

Links to various websites, most notably Wikipedia and the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary, provide supplemental information on a variety of ancillary topics.

Underlined words and phrases that are not part of hyperlinks are defined in the Glossary. In most cases, these are either archaic or chiefly British. Additional terms are defined through links to online dictionaries, as previously noted. The Glossary, as opposed to online dictionaries, generally serves for terms that either do not appear in those dictionaries, use a secondary definition, or merit additional commentary. The Gilbert & Sullivan Archive also has Glossary pages for most of the operettas, under their respective home pages.

For verses that refer to specific incidents in the TDI episodes, the incident references follow the format xx.yy, where xx is the TDI episode number, and yy is a sequence number. Thus, the notation 08.39 refers to the 39th incident reference in episode #8 (“Up the Creek”). This nomenclature is designed to allow readers to quickly move back and forth between the Guide reference and the verse, using the web browser’s Edit/Find command. Verses fitting multiple incidents, and incidents with multiple verse references, are somewhat common.

In cases where a verse would fit a TDI character except for having been written about a character of the opposite sex, the original gender-specific words are retained, with explanatory notes only where needed to avoid confusion. (The relationship between Gwen and Cody has several examples of these gender role reversals, with Cody taking the role of the pining maiden.)

The original proper names, where they occur, are likewise retained. Most of these names appear in the synopses of the Gilbert & Sullivan plays provided in the “Introduction to Gilbert & Sullivan” section above.

When only a portion of a song (e.g. one verse in a three-verse song) fits a TDI character or incident, only the relevant verse(s) appear in this compilation. Conversely, when only a portion of a verse is relevant, the entire verse appears in most cases. Exceptions are noted when the extract disrupts the rhyme scheme or is not the first part of the verse. Verses that are split in Sullivan’s musical arrangements tend to be split in this compilation as well, and this compilation generally does not identify verses split in this way. Interjections by the chorus, unless they are integral to the verse, are omitted in most cases.

A portion of a word appearing in italics indicates a mispronunciation for the sake of rhyme or meter. An entire word italicized means the word is emphasized or comes from a language other than English. (Gilbert had no qualms about turning to foreign languages, or to substandard English, when he needed a rhyme.)

In a few cases, the original stage directions are included when they help to inform the verse. These directions are italicized and enclosed in brackets [thusly].

A tab or multi-tab indent indicates a change in singer (in the play, not necessarily in the TDI reference). The main purpose of these indents is to help give the reader a feel for the music, although there are a few cases—most notably Heather, Lindsay & Beth’s “I am a maiden” trio from Princess Ida and Katie & Sadie’s “Replying, We Sing” verse from The Gondoliers—where they also help to inform the verse.


Other Resources

For properly orchestrated versions of the songs and recitatives, several online music retailers and subscription services include Gilbert & Sullivan songs and recitatives, although some have only “greatest hits” selections or selections from the most popular operettas. The Gilbert & Sullivan Archive links to some of these retailers/services, most notably Some of the retailers provide sample tracks or track fragments, and the subscription services tend to offer limited free use.

The quirks of these companies’ cataloguing systems are such that a search string that yields the best results on one site may not do so on another. Recommended search strings are “Arthur Sullivan”, “Sir Arthur Sullivan”, “Gilbert & Sullivan -O’Sullivan”, and “Gilbert and Sullivan -O’Sullivan”. In the latter cases, the restriction “-O’Sullivan” will suppress matches to the pop singer, Gilbert O’Sullivan.

Several Gilbert & Sullivan annotations have been written over the years, to aid devotees of the series in understanding the more obscure terms and allusions. The most exhaustive of these is Asimov’s Annotated Gilbert & Sullivan, by Isaac Asimov. (Asimov, in addition to being a famous science fiction writer, was also a hardcore G&S fan, and was highly skilled at explaining things.). It covers all 14 plays, and was the primary resource for the G&S side of this compilation.

A Treasury of Gilbert & Sullivan, by Martyn Green (widely regarded as the most important G&S actor of the 20th Century) is less exhaustive, but has unique merits. It covers the 11 plays (omitting the little-known Thespis, Utopia Limited, and The Grand Duke) that the D’Oyly Carte Opera Company performed during Green’s tenure, and includes some of Gilbert’s original caricature artwork as well as words and music for 102 of the most popular songs. Green’s annotation tends to focus on tips for the production of the plays (because that was what he knew best) and anecdotes related to D’Oyly Carte productions during and prior to Green’s tenure.

The First Night Gilbert and Sullivan, by Reginald Allen, includes complete librettos for all 14 operas as they were performed on opening night, with notations of what was later cut and some additional annotation as well. (Most cuts were made for length, a process known as “compression”.) This text was the compiler’s first exposure to Thespis, Utopia Limited, and The Grand Duke.

The Bab Ballads is a collection of comic poems by Gilbert, with a great deal of his artwork. The basic storylines for most of the operettas (as well as some incidents in the operettas) are drawn from this collection.



The verses in the following sections appear in the same order that they appear in the Gilbert & Sullivan series, which preserves some sense of Gilbert’s stories. The Guide to Incidents is structured to place these verses in accordance with the TDI story arc.

Verses from Thespis

For a brief plot summary, see the “Introduction to Gilbert & Sullivan” section above. In lieu of a more detailed plot summary, click the link provided for the libretto text.

[ Gwen/Trent – incident 03.21]

Throughout the night
The constellations
Have given light
From various stations.
When midnight gloom
Falls on all nations,
We will resume
Our occupations.

[ Beth/Lindsay – incident 21.28]

Our light, it’s true,
Is not worth mention;
What can we do
To gain attention,
When, night and noon,
With vulgar glaring,
A great big moon
Is always flaring?

[ Chef Hatchet – nature and incident 24.05]

Oh, I’m the celestial drudge,
From morning to night I must stop at it,
On errands all day I must trudge,
And I stick to my work till I drop at it!
In summer I get up at one
(As a good-natured donkey I’m ranked for it),
Then I go and I light up the Sun,
And Phoebus Apollo gets thanked for it!

Well, well, it’s the way of the world,
And will be through all its futurity;
Though noodles are baroned and earled,
There’s nothing for clever obscurity!

I’m the slave of the Gods, neck and heels,
And I’m bound to obey, though I rate at ‘em;
And I not only order their meals,
But I cook ‘em, and serve ‘em, and wait at ‘em.
Then I make all their nectar—I do—
(Which a terrible liquor to rack us is)
And whenever I mix them a brew,
Why, all the thanksgivings are Bacchus’s!

Well, well, it’s the way of the world, etc.

Then reading and writing I teach,
And spelling books many I’ve edited!
And for bringing those arts within reach,
That donkey Minerva gets credited.
Then I scrape at the stars with a knife,
And plate-powder the moon (on the days for it),
And I hear all the world and his wife
Awarding Diana the praise for it!

Well, well, it’s the way of the world, etc.

[Castaways – incident 23.41]

Oh, incident unprecedented!
I hardly can believe it’s true!

Why, bless the boy, he’s quite demented!
Why, what’s the matter, sir, with you?
Speak quickly, or you’ll get a warming!

Why, mortals up the mount are swarming,
Our temple on Olympus storming,
In hundreds—aye, in thousands, too!

[Castaways – incident 23.43]

Goodness gracious,
How audacious;
Earth is spacious,
Why come here?
Our impeding
Their proceeding
Were good breeding,
That is clear.

[ Owen/Duncan – incident 24.18]

What fools to give themselves so much exertion!

A government survey, I’ll make assertion!
Perhaps the Alpine club at their diversion!
They seem to be more like a “Cook’s Excursion”.

[ Chris – incident 23.01]

If, mighty Jove, you value your existence,
Send them a thunderbolt with your regards!

My thunderbolts, though valid at a distance,
Are not effective at a hundred yards.

[ Cody/Gwen – incidents 05.15, 08.03]

Here far away from all the world,
Dissension and derision,
With Nature’s wonders all unfurled
To our delighted vision
With no one here
(At least in sight)
To interfere
With our delight,
And two fond lovers sever,
Oh, do not free
Thine hand from mine,
I swear to thee
My love is thine,
Forever and forever!

On mountaintop the air is keen,
And most exhilarating,
And we say things we do not mean
In moments less elating.
So please to wait,
For thoughts that crop
En téte-a-téte,
On mountain top,
May not exactly tally
With those that you
May entertain,
Returning to
The sober plain
Of yon relaxing valley.

[ D.J. /Gwen – incident 11.07] (recycled in The Pirates of Penzance)

[Duncan/Owen – incident 24.17]

Climbing over rocky mountain,
Skipping rivulet and fountain,
Passing where the willows quiver
By the ever-rolling river,
Swollen with the summer rain;
Threading long and leafy mazes
Dotted with unnumbered daisies;
Scaling rough and rugged passes,
Climb the hardy lads and lasses
Till the mountaintop they gain!

[Boot camp party – incident 12.25]

[Wrap party – incident 27.04] (from “Climbing over rocky mountain”, recycled in The Pirates of Penzance, MIDI file 1:19 – 2:09)

Fill the cup and tread the measure,
Make the most of fleeting leisure;
Hail it as a true ally,
Though it perish by and by!

Every moment brings a treasure
Of its own especial pleasure,
Though the moments quickly die,
Greet them gaily as they fly!

[ Geoff – nature and incident 10.02]

[Lindsay/Heather – incident 17.02]

I once knew a chap who discharged a function
On the North South East West Diddlesex junction,
He was conspicuous exceeding,
For his affable ways and his easy breeding.
Although a Chairman of Directors,
He was hand in glove with the ticket inspectors,
He tipped the guards with brand new fivers,
And sang little songs to the engine drivers.

Each Christmas Day he gave each stoker
A silver shovel and a golden poker,
He’d buttonhole flowers for the ticket sorters,
And rich Bath buns for the outside porters.
He’d mount the clerks on his first-class hunters
And he built little villas for the roadside shunters,
And if any were fond of pigeon shooting,
He’d ask them down to his place at Tooting.

[Incident 17.02 continued]

[Bass boys/Harold – incident 10.14]

In course of time there spread a rumor
That he did all this from a sense of humor,
So instead of signaling and stoking,
They gave themselves up to a course of joking.
Whenever they knew that he was riding,
They shunted his train on lonely siding,
Or stopped all night in the middle of a tunnel,
On the plea that the boiler was a-coming through the funnel.

[Incident 17.02 continued]

[Geoff – incident 21.18]

If he wished to go to Perth or Stirling,
His train through several counties whirling,
Would set him down in a fit of larking,
At four a.m. in the wilds of Barking.
This pleased his whim and seemed to strike it,
But the general Public did not like it;
The receipts fell, after a few repeatings,
And he got it hot at the annual meetings.

[Incident 17.02 continued]

[Heather/Lindsay – incident 18.10]

He followed out his whim with vigor,
The shares went down to a nominal figure,
These are the sad results proceeding
From his affable ways and his easy breeding!
The line, with its rails and guards and peelers,
Was sold for a song to marine store dealers.
The shareholders are all in the work’us,
And he sells pipe-lights in the Regent Circus.

‘Twas told to me with much compunction,
By one who had discharged with unction
A Chairman of Directors’ function,
At the North South East West Diddlesex junction.

[Chris/Chef Hatchet – incident 24.06]

So that’s arranged – you take my place, my boy,
While we make trial of a new existence.
At length I shall be able to enjoy
The pleasures I have envied from a distance.

Compelled upon Olympus here to stop,
While other gods go down to play the hero,
Don’t be surprised if on this mountaintop
You find your Mercury down at zero!

[Gwen – incident 05.22] (sarcastically in TDI)

I, as the modest moon with crescent bow,
Have always shown a light to nightly scandal,
I must say I should like to go below,
And find out if the game is worth the candle!

[Geoff/Bass – incident 10.03]

While mighty Jove goes down below
With all the other deities,
I fill his place and wear his “clo,”
The very part for me it is.
To mother earth to make a track,
They all are spurred and booted, too,
And you will fill, till they come back,
The parts you best are suited to.

[Chef Hatchet – incident 24.03]

Here’s a pretty tale for future Iliads and Odysseys,
Mortals are about to personate the gods and goddesses.
Now to set the world in order, we will work in unity.
Jupiter’s perplexity is Thespis’ opportunity.

[ Justin – incident 27.55]

Phoebus am I, with golden ray,
The god of day, the god of day,
When shadowy night has held her sway,
I make the goddess fly.
‘Tis mine the task to wake the world,
In slumber curled, in slumber curled,
By me her charms are all unfurled.
The god of day am I!

[Gwen – nature and incident 11.10]


I am the moon

I am the moon, the lamp of night.
I show a light—I show a light.
With radiant sheen I put to flight
The shadows of the day.
By my fair rays, as you’re aware,
Gay lovers swear—gay lovers swear,
While graybeards sleep away their care.
The lamp of night am I!

[ Izzy – incident 27.79]

Mighty old Mars, the God of War,
I’m destined for—I’m destined for—
A terribly famous conqueror,
With sword upon his thigh.
When armies meet with eager shout,
And warlike rout, and warlike rout,
You’ll find me there without a doubt.
The God of War am I!

The God of War, the God of War,
Great Timidon is destined for!
The rarest fun and rarest fare
That ever fell to mortal share!

[Chris – incident 01.03]

When, as the fruit of warlike deeds,
The soldier bleeds, the soldier bleeds,
Calliope crowns heroic deeds
With immortality.
From mere oblivion I reclaim
The soldier’s name, the soldier’s name,
And write it on the roll of fame,
The muse of fame am I!

[Boys team – incident 14.16]

We will go
Down below,
Revels rare
We will share.

With a gay
All unknown,
And alone.

[Gwen – incident 20.17]

[Geoff – incident 21.08]

[Heather – incident 23.26]

Heather in treehouse

We eat Ambrosia/ and nectar quaff

Of all symposia,
The best by half
Upon Olympus, here, await us,
We eat Ambrosia,
And nectar quaff,
It cheers but don’t inebriate us.

[Incident 23.26 continued]

We know the fallacies
Of human food,
So please to pass the Olympian rosy,
We built up palaces
Where ruins stood,
And find them much more snug and cozy.

[Geoff – incident 02.07]

Olympus is now in a terrible muddle,
The deputy deities all are at fault;
They splutter and splash like a pig in a puddle,
And dickens a on of ‘em’s earning his salt,
For Thespis as Jove is a terrible blunder,
Too nervous and timid—too easy and weak—
Whenever he’s called on to lighten or thunder,
The thought of it keeps him awake for a week!

[Heather – incident 20.09]

Then mighty Mars hasn’t the pluck of a parrot,
When left in the dark he will quiver and quail;
And Vulcan has arms that would snap like a carrot
Before he could drive in a tenpenny nail!
Then Venus’s freckles are very repelling,
And Venus should not have a squint in her eyes;
The learned Minerva is weak in her spelling,
And scatters her h’s all over the skies.

Useless Bass

Couldn't find people less fit for their work!

[Killer Bass – incidents 02.06, 04.12]

In short, you will see from the facts that I’m showing,
The state of the case is exceedingly sad;
If Thespis’ people go on as they’re going,
Olympus will certainly go to the bad!
From Jupiter downwards, there isn’t a dab in it,
All of ‘em quibble and shuffle and shirk;
A premier in Downing Street, forming a Cabinet,
Couldn’t find people less fit for their work!

[Gwen/Trent – incident 08.47] (this is the song that survives as a standalone ballad)

Little maid of Arcadee
Sat on Cousin Robin’s knee,
Thought in form and face and limb,
Nobody could rival him.
He was brave and she was fair.
Truth, they made a pretty pair.
Happy little maiden, she—
Happy maid of Arcadee!

[Gwen/Trent – incident 16.31] (verse 2 from “Little maid of Arcadee”)

Moments fled, as moments will,
Happily enough, until
After, say, a month or two,
Robin did as Robins do.
Weary of his lover’s play,
Jilted her and went away.
Wretched little maiden, she—
Wretched maid of Arcadee!

[Gwen – incident 25.08]

Oh rage and fury! Oh shame and sorrow!
We’ll be resuming our ranks tomorrow,
Since from Olympus we have departed,
We’ve been distracted and brokenhearted.
Oh wicked Thespis! Oh villain scurvy;
Through him Olympus is topsy-turvy!
Compelled to silence to grin and bear it!
He’s caused our sorrow and he shall share it.
Where is the monster? Avenge his blunders,
He has awakened Olympian thunders.

[Heather – incident 01.08]

[Duncan – incident 10.12]

We can’t stand this,
We can’t stand this,
It’s much too strong,
We can’t stand this.
It would be wrong,
Extremely wrong,
If we stood this,
If we stand this,
If we stand this,
We can’t stand this.

[Gwen/losers – incident 26.08]

Jupiter, Mars and Apollo,
Have quitted the dwellings of men;
The other gods quickly will follow,
And what will become of us then?
Oh, pardon us, Jove and Apollo,
Pardon us, Jupiter, Mars,
Oh, see us in misery wallow,
Cursing our terrible stars.

[Heather – incident 25.35]

Let us remain, we beg of you pleadingly!
Life on Olympus suits us exceedingly.
Let us remain, we pray in humility!
If we have shown some little ability.

[Chris/Courtney – incident 12.48]

[ EPKWACAAH/Gwen – incident 19.31]

Enough, your reign is ended;
Upon this sacred hill
Let him be apprehended,
And learn our awful will.

[Losers – incident 22.02]

[Duncan/Heather – incident 23.24]

Away to earth, contemptible comedians,
And hear our curse, before we set you free;
You shall all be eminent tragedians,
Whom no one ever goes to see!

[Heather – incident 25.38]

Heather shorn

Observe the terrible consequences

Now, here you see the arrant folly
Of doing your best to make things jolly
I’ve ruled the world like a chap in his senses—
Observe the terrible consequences.
Great Jupiter, whom nothing pleases,
Splutters and swears, and kicks up breezes,
And sends us home in a mood avengin’,
In double quick time, like a railroad engine.
And this he does without compunction,
Because I have discharged with unction
A highly complicated function,
Complying with his own injunction.


Verses from Trial by Jury

For a brief plot summary, see the “Introduction to Gilbert & Sullivan” section above. Click the link provided for a more detailed plot summary.

[ Courtney/Sadie – incident 11.26]

[Courtney – incident 22.16]

[Elimination ceremony – nature]

Hark, the hour of ten is sounding:
Hearts with anxious fears are bounding,
Hall of Justice crowds surrounding,
Breathing hope and fear—
For today in this arena,
Summoned by a stern subpoena,
Edwin, sued by Angelina,
Shortly will appear.

[ Chris – nature and incident 22.38]

Now, Jurymen, hear my advice
All kinds of vulgar prejudice
I pray you set aside:
With stern judicial frame of mind
From bias free of every kind
This trial must be tried.

Oh, listen to the plaintiff’s case:
Observe the features of her face—
The broken-hearted bride.
Condole with her distress of mind:
From bias free of every kind
This trial must be tried!

And when, amid the plaintiff’s shrieks,
The ruffianly defendant speaks
Upon the other side;
What he may say, you needn’t mind—
From bias free of every kind
This trial must be tried!

[ Trent – incident 22.22] (from “Is this the Court of the Exchequer?”, MIDI file 2:12 – 2:24)

Hear me, hear me if you please,
These are very strange proceedings—
For permit me to remark
On the merits of my pleadings,
You’re at present in the dark.

[ Cody – incident 22.31]

When first my old, old love I knew,
My bosom welled with joy;
My riches at her feet I threw—
I was a lovesick boy!
No terms seemed too extravagant
Upon her to employ—
I used to mope, and sigh, and pant,
Just like a lovesick boy!

[ Izzy/Owen – incident 27.86] (verse 2 from “When first my old, old love I knew”, mutual in TDI)

But joy incessant palls the sense,
And love unchanged will cloy,
And she became a bore intense
Unto her lovesick boy!
With fitful glimmer burnt my flame,
And I grew cold and coy;
At last, one morning, I became
Another’s lovesick boy.

[Izzy/Trent – incident 22.24] (MIDI file 1:47 – 2:15)

Oh, I was like that when a lad!
A shocking young scamp of a rover;
I behaved like a regular cad,
But that sort of thing is all over.
I’m now a respectable chap,
And shine with a virtue resplendent
And, therefore, I haven’t a scrap
Of sympathy with the defendant!

[ Heather/Chris – incident 03.02] (MIDI file 0:21 – 0:49)

All hail great Judge!
To your bright rays
We never grudge
Ecstatic praise.
All hail!

[Heather – incident 24.33] (verse 2 from “When I, good friends, was called to the bar”, gender roles reversed in TDI)

In Westminster Hall I danced a dance,
Like a semi-despondent fury;
For I though I never should hit on a chance
Of addressing a British Jury—
But I soon got tired of third-class journeys,
And dinners of bread and water;
So I fell in love with a rich attorney’s
Elderly, ugly daughter.

[Heather – incident 24.35] (verse 5 from “When I, good friends, was called to the bar”, gender roles reversed in TDI)

At length I became as rich as the Gurneys—
An incubus then I thought her,
So I threw over that rich attorney’s
Elderly, ugly daughter.
The rich attorney my character high
Tried vainly to disparage—
And now, if you please, I’m ready to try
This Breach of Promise of Marriage!

[Heather – incident 05.06] (from “When I, good friends, was called to the bar”, MIDI file 2:14 – 2:41)

For now I’m a judge!

And a good Judge too!

Yes, now I’m a Judge!

And a good Judge too!

Though all my law is fudge,
Yet I’ll never, never budge,
But I’ll live and die a Judge!

And a good Judge too!

It was managed by a job!

And a good job too!

It was managed by a job!

And a good job too!

It is patent to the mob,
That my being made a nob
Was effected by a job.

And a good job too!

[Heather – incidents 21.10, 24.42] (from “Swear thou the jury”, MIDI file 0:13 – 0:37)

[Elimination vote - nature]

Oh, will you swear by yonder skies,
Whatever question may arise,
‘Twixt rich and poor, ‘twixt low and high,
That you will well and truly try.

[Elimination vote] (from “Swear thou the jury”, MIDI file 0:38 – 1:06)

To all of this we make reply
By the dull slate of yonder sky:
That we will well and truly try.

[Courtney – incident 22.13] (MIDI file 0:30 – 1:53)

[ LeShawna – incident 22.41]

Comes the broken flower
Comes the cheated maid—
Though the tempest lower,
Rain and cloud will fade.
Take, oh take these posies:
Though thy beauty rare
Shame the blushing roses,
They are passing fair!
Wear the flowers till they fade;
Happy be thy life, oh maid!

[ Gwen – incident 16.72] (MIDI file 1:54 – 3:09)

Oe’r the season vernal,
Time may cast a shade;
Sunshine, if eternal,
Makes the roses fade!
Time may do his duty;
Let the thief alone—
Winter hath a beauty
That is all his own.
Fairest days are sun and shade:
I am no unhappy maid!

[ Justin – nature and incident 01.14]

Oh, never, never, never, since I joined the human race,
Saw I so exquisitely fair a face.
How say you, is she not designed for capture?

We’ve but one word, my lord, and that is “rapture”.

[LeShawna – incident 16.58]

Leshawna's mob

For I never had a notion/ That a man could be so base

[Izzy/Owen – incidents 19.11, 20.02]

[Izzy/Trent – incident 22.25]

With a sense of deep emotion,
I approach this painful case;
For I never had a notion
That a man could be so base,
Or deceive a girl confiding,
Vows, etcetera, deriding.

See my interesting client,
Victim of a heartless wile!
See the traitor all defiant
Wear a supercilious smile!
Sweetly smiled my client on him,
Coyly wooed and gently won him.

Swiftly fled each honeyed hour
Spent with this unmanly male!
Camberwell became a bower,
Peckham an Arcadian Vale,
Breathing concentrated otto—
An existence ala Watteau.

Picture, then, my client naming,
And insisting on the day:
Picture him excuses framing—
Going from her far away;
Doubly criminal to do so,
For the maid had bought her trousseau!

[Sadie – incident 01.17]

[ D.J. – incident 19.34]

[Heather – incident 25.18]

That she is reeling
Is plain to see!

If faint you’re feeling,
Recline on me!
I shall recover
If left alone.
Oh, perjured lover,
Atone! Atone!

[ Eva – incident 15.21] (from “That she is reeling”, MIDI file 0:44 – 0:56)

Monster, dread our fury!
There’s the judge and we’re the jury!
Monster, monster dread our fury!

[Izzy – nature and incident 27.07]

Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray,
Though I own that my heart has been ranging,
Of nature the laws I obey,
For nature is constantly changing.
The moon in her phases is found,
The time and the wind and the weather,
The months in succession come round,
And you don’t find two Mondays together.

[Cody – incident 22.36] (from “Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray”, MIDI file 0:48 – 1:09)

[Owen – nature and incident 27.87]

You cannot eat breakfast all day,
Nor is it the act of a sinner,
When breakfast is taken away,
To turn his attention to dinner;
And it’s not in the range of belief,
To look upon him as a glutton,
Who, when he is tired of beef,
Determines to tackle the mutton.

[ Bridgette – incident 14.08]

[Sadie – incident 22.28]

[Castaways – incident 23.13]

A nice dilemma we have here
That calls for all our wit:
And at this stage, it don’t appear
That we can settle it.

[Gwen/Trent – incident 16.44]

[Courtney – incident 22.17]

I love him—I love him—with fervor unceasing
I worship and madly adore;
My blind adoration is always increasing,
My loss I shall ever deplore.
Oh, see what a blessing, what love and caressing
I’ve lost, and remember it, pray,
When you I’m addressing, are busy assessing
The damages Edwin must pay!

[ Duncan (from “I love him—I love him”, MIDI file 0:35 – 1:05)

I smoke like a furnace—I’m always in liquor,
A ruffian—a bully—a sot;
I’m sure I should thrash her, perhaps I should kick her,
I am such a very bad lot!
I’m not prepossessing, as you may be guessing,
She couldn’t endure me a day;
Recall my professing, when you are assessing
The damages Edwin must pay!

[Cody/Gwen/Trent – incident 08.34]

[Owen/Izzy – incident 26.43]

Oh, joy unbounded,
With wealth surrounded,
The knell is sounded
Of grief and woe.

With love devoted
On you he’s doated
To castle moated
Away they go.

I wonder whether
They’ll live together
In marriage tether
In manner true?

It seems to me, sir,
Of such as she, sir,
A judge is he, sir,
And a good judge, too.


Verses from The Sorcerer

For a brief plot summary, see the “Introduction to Gilbert & Sullivan” section above. Click the link provided for a more detailed plot summary.

[ Owen and his supporters – incident 26.38]

Ring forth, ye bells,
With clarion sound—
Forget your knells,
For joys abound.
Forget your notes
Of mournful lay,
And from your throats
Pour joy today!

[ Geoff – incident 08.13] (MIDI file 2:06 – 3:15, gender roles reversed in TDI)

When he is here,
I sigh with pleasure,
When he is gone,
I sigh with grief.
My hopeless fear
No soul can measure—
His love alone
Can give my aching heart relief!
When he is cold,
I weep for sorrow—
When he is kind,
I weep for joy.
My grief untold
Knows no tomorrow—
My woe can find
No hope, no solace, no alloy!

[ Cody – nature and incident 22.32] (verse 2 (MIDI file 3:16 – 4:28) from “When he is here”, gender roles reversed in TDI)

When I rejoice,
He shows no pleasure.
When I am sad,
It grieves him not.
His solemn voice
Has tones I treasure—
My heart they glad,
They solace my unhappy lot!
When I despond,
My woe they chasten—
When I take heart,
My hope they cheer;
With folly fond
To him I hasten—
From him apart,
My life is very sad and drear.

[ Trent – incident 22.20] (with opening recitative)

The air is charged with amatory numbers
Soft madrigals, and dreamy lovers’ lays.
Peace, peace, old heart! Why waken from its slumbers
The aching memory of the old, old days?

Time was when Love and I were well acquainted.
Time was when we walked ever hand in hand.
A saintly youth, with worldly thoughts untainted,
None better loved than I in all the land!
Time was, when maidens of the noblest station,
Forsaking even military men,
Would gaze upon me, rapt in adoration—
Ah me, I was a fair young curate then!

[ Heather – incident 11.02] (verse 2 from “Time was when Love and I were well acquainted”, MIDI file 2:05 – 3:29, ironically in TDI)

Had I a headache? sighed the maids assembled;
Had I a cold? welled forth the silent tear;
Did I look pale? half the parish trembled;
And when I coughed, all thought the end was near!
I had no care—no jealous doubts hung o’er me—
For I was loved beyond all other men.
Fled gilded dukes and belted earls before me—
Ah me, I was a pale young curate then!

[Cody/Gwen – incident 08.37] [spoken through music]

May Fortune bless you! May the middle distance
Of your young life be pleasant as the foreground—
The joyous foreground! And, when you have reached it,
May that which is the far-off horizon
(But which will then become the middle distance),
In fruitful promise be exceeded only
By that which will have opened, in the meantime,
Into a new and glorious horizon!

[ Lindsay – incident 05.13]

[ Bridgette – incident 27.17]

With heart and with voice
Let us welcome this mating:
To the youth of her choice,
With a heart palpitating,
Comes the lovely Aline!

May their love never cloy!
May their bliss be unbounded!
With a halo of joy
May their lives be surrounded!
Heaven bless our Aline!

[Bridgette – incident 17.36] (MIDI file 0:19 – 2:29)

Oh, happy young heart!
Comes thy young lord a-wooing
With joy in his eyes,
And pride in his breast—
Make much of thy prize,
For he is the best
That ever came a-suing.
Yet—yet we must part,
Young heart!
Yet—yet we must part!

Oh, merry young heart,
Bright are the days of thy wooing!
But happier far
The days untried—
No sorrow can mar,
When Love has tied
The knot there’s no undoing.
Then, never to part,
Young heart!
Then, never to part!

[ Chef Hatchet/Gwen – incident 12.43] (recitative)

My child, I join in these congratulations:
Heed not the tear that dims this aged eye!
Old memories crowd upon me. Though I sorrow,
‘Tis for myself, Aline, and not for thee!

[Geoff – nature and incident 27.31] (MIDI file 0:47 – 1:35)

[ Tyler - nature]

With heart and with voice
Let us welcome this mating;
To the maid of his choice,
With a heart palpitating,
Comes Alexis the brave!

[Trent/Gwen – incident 05.30]


[with stately courtesy]

Welcome joy, adieu to sadness!
As Aurora gilds the day,
So those eyes, twin orbs of gladness,
Chase the clouds of care away.
Irresistable incentive
Bids me humbly kiss your hand;
I’m your servant most attentive—
Most attentive to command!

[aside, with frantic vehemence]

Wild with adoration!
Mad with fascination!
To indulge my lamentation
No occasion do I miss!
Goaded to distraction
By maddening inaction,
I find some satisfaction
In apostrophe like this:
“Sangazure immortal,
“Sangazure diving,
“Welcome to my portal,
“Angel, oh be mine!

[aloud, with stately courtesy]

Irresistable incentive
Bids me humbly kiss your hand;
I’m your servant most attentive—
Most attentive to command!

[with much ceremony]
Sir, I thank you most politely
For your graceful courtesy;
Compliment more true and knightly
Never yet was paid to me!
Chivalry is an ingredient
Sadly lacking in our land—
Sir, I am your most obedient,
Most obedient to command!

[aside, with great vehemence]
Wild with adoration!
Mad with fascination!
To indulge my lamentation
No occasion do I miss!
Goaded to distraction
By maddening inaction,
I find some satisfaction
In apostrophe like this:
“Marmaduke immortal,
“Marmaduke diving,
“Take me to thy portal,
“Loved one, oh be mine!

[aloud, with much ceremony]
Chivalry is an ingredient
Sadly lacking in our land—
Sir, I am your most obedient,
Most obedient to command!

[Heather/Harold – incident 27.72] (platonically)

All is prepared for sealing and for signing,
The contract has been drafted as agreed;
Approach the table, oh, ye lovers pining,
With hand and seal come execute the deed!

See they sign without a quiver, it—
Then to seal proceed.
They deliver it—they deliver it
As their Act and Deed!

[Heather/Bridgette/Geoff – incident 27.34] (from “All is prepared”, MIDI file 1:29 – 2:17)

With heart and with voice
Let us welcome this mating;
Leave them here to rejoice,
With true love palpitating,
Alexis the brave
And the lovely Aline!

[ LeShawna – incident 13.18]

Love feeds on many kinds of food, I know,
Some love for rank, and some for duty:
Some give their hearts away for empty show,
And others love for youth or beauty.
To love for money, all the world is prone:
Some love themselves, and live all lonely:
Give me the love that loves for love alone—
I love that love—I love it only!

[Geoff/Bridgette – incident 27.16] (verse 2 from “Love feeds on many kinds of food”)

What man for any other joy can thirst,
Whose loving wife adores him duly?
Want, misery, and care may do their worst,
If loving woman loves you truly.
A lover’s thoughts are ever with his own—
None truly loved is ever lonely:
Give me the love that loves for love alone—
I love that love—I love it only.

[Harold – incident 12.56]

My name is John Wellington Wells,
I’m a dealer in magic and spells,
With blessings and curses
And ever-filled purses
In prophecies, witches and knells.
If you want a proud foe to “make tracks”—
If you’d melt a rich uncle in wax—
You’ve but to look in
On our resident Djinn,
Number seventy Simmery Axe!

[ Katie/Sadie – incident 27.51] (from “My name is John Wellington Wells”, MIDI file 0:43 – 1:04)

Very Small Prophet

Answers oracular

For he can prophesy
With a wink of his eye,
Peep with security
Into futurity,
Sum up you history,
Clear up a mystery,
Humor proclivity
For a nativity—for a nativity;
With mirrors so magical,
Tetrapods tragical,
Bogies spectacular,
Answers oracular,
Facts astronomical,
Solemn or comical,
And, if you want it, he
Makes a reduction on taking a quantity!

[Harold – incident 27.44] (from “My name is John Wellington Wells”, MIDI file 1:04 – 1:20)

If anyone anything lacks,
He’ll find it all ready in stacks,
If he’ll only look in
On our resident Djinn,
Number seventy, Simmery Axe!

[Gwen – incident 27.11] (from “My name is John Wellington Wells”, MIDI file 1:20 – 1:36)

He can raise you hosts
Of ghosts,
And that without reflectors;
And creepy things
With wings,
And gaunt and grisly specters.
He can fill you crowds
Of shrouds,
And horrify you vastly,
He can rack your brains
With chains,
And gibberings grim and ghastly!

[The many guises of Chef Hatchet] (from “My name is John Wellington Wells”, MIDI file 1:37 – 1:57)

Then, if you plan it, he
Changes organity
With an urbanity
Full of Satanity,
Vexes humanity
With an inanity
Fatal to vanity—
Driving your foes to the verge of insanity!
Barring tautology,
In demonology,
Mystic nosology,
Spirit philology,
High-class astrology,
Such is his knowledge, he
Isn’t the man to require an apology!

[Harold – incident 12.57] (“The Sorcerer’s Incantation”)

Sprites of earth and air
Fiends of flame and fire—
Demon souls,
Come here in shoals,
This dreadful deed inspire!
Appear! Appear! Appear!

Good master, we are here!

[ Izzy – incident 20.21] (from The Sorcerer’s Incantation, MIDI file 0:46 – 1:11)

Noisome hags of night—
Imps of deadly shade—
Pallid ghosts,
Arise in hosts,
And give me all your aid.
Appear! Appear! Appear!

Good master, we are here!

[Izzy/Owen – incident 19.09] (from The Sorcerer’s Incantation, MIDI file 1:12 – 1:20)

[campers/Sasquatchanakwa – incident 24.27]

[Trent/LeShawna – incident 27.14]

Hark, they assemble,
These fiends of the night!

Oh, Alexis, I tremble,
Seek safety in flight!

[Incident 19.09 continued]

[Bridgette/Geoff – incident 27.28] (from The Sorcerer’s Incantation, MIDI file 1:21 – 1:55)

Let us fly to a far-off land,
Where peace and plenty dwell—
Where the sigh of the silver strand
Is echoed in every shell
To the joy that land will give,
On the wings of Love we’ll fly;
In innocence there to live—
In innocence there to die!

[Owen/Izzy – incident 19.12] (from The Sorcerer’s Incantation, MIDI file 1:55 – 2:16)

Too late—too late
It may not be!
That happy fate
Is not for thee!

[Heather/D.J. – incident 19.15] (from The Sorcerer’s Incantation, MIDI file 2:17 – 2:44)

[Gwen – incident 27.13]

Now, shriveled hags, with poison bags,
Discharge your loathsome loads!
Spit flame and fire, unholy choir!
Belch forth your venom, toads!
Ye demons fell, with yelp and yell,
Shed curses far afield—
Ye fiends of night, your filthy blight
In noisome plenty yield!

[ Chris/Chef Hatchet – incident 23.17] (Finale Act I)

[ Noah – incident 27.23]

[Owen – nature]

Now to the banquet we press;
Now for the eggs, the ham;
Now for the mustard and cress,
Now for the strawberry jam!

Now for the tea of our host,
Now for the rollicking bun
Now for the muffin and toast,
Now for the gay Sally Lunn!

[Chris/campers – incident 03.06] (recitative – from Finale Act I, MIDI file 1:36 – 2:05)

[Chef Hatchet/Owen – incident 25.02]

Be happy all—the feast is spread before ye;
Fear nothing, but enjoy yourselves, I pray!
Eat, aye, and drink—be merry, I implore ye,
For once let thoughtless Folly rule the day.

[Boot camp trainees – incident 12.26] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 2:06 – 2:46 & 3:08 – 3:45)

[Geoff – incident 21.09]

[semifinalists – incident 25.01]

Eat, drink, and be gay,
Banish all worry and sorrow,
Laugh gaily today,
Weep, if you’re sorry, tomorrow!
Come, pass the cup ‘round—
I will go bail for the liquor;
It’s strong, I’ll be bound,
For it was brewed by the vicar!

Pain, trouble, and care,
Misery, heartache, and worry,
Quick, out of your lair!
Get you all gone in a hurry!
Toil, sorrow, and plot,
Fly away quicker and quicker—
Three spoons to the pot—
That is the brew of your vicar!

[lovebirds] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 3:46 – 5:31)

Oh love, true love—unworldly, abiding!
Source of all pleasure—true fountain of joy—
Oh love, true love—divinely confiding,
Exquisite treasure that knows no alloy—
O love, true love, rich harvest of gladness,
Peace-bearing tillage—great garner of bliss—
Oh love, true love, look down on our sadness—
Dwell in this village—oh, hear us in this!

[Tyler – incident 03.19] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 5:32 – 7:26)

[Owen – incident 23.46]

Oh, marvelous illusion!
Oh, terrible surprise!
What is this strange confusion
That veils my aching eyes?
I must regain my senses,
Restoring Reason’s law,
Or fearful inferences
Society will draw!

[ Courtney/Duncan – incident 06.11] (Opening Act II)

Tis twelve, I think,
And at this mystic hour
The magic drink
Should manifest its power.
Oh, slumbering forms,
How little have ye guessed
The fire that warms
Each apathetic breast!

[campers – incident 24.08] (from Opening Act II, MIDI file 1:44 – 2:07, ironically in TDI)

Gwen al fresco

All fast asleep al-fresco-ly

I did not think it meet to see
A dame of lengthy pedigree,
A Baronet and K.C.B.,
A Doctor of Divinity,
And that respectable Q.C.,
All fast asleep al-fresco-ly,
And so I had them taken home
And put to bed respectably!

[Courtney/Duncan – incident 11.23] (from Opening Act II, MIDI file 2:08 – 2:37)

I trust my conduct meets your approbation.

Sir, you have acted with discrimination,
And shown more delicate appreciation
Than we expect in persons of your station.

[Bridgette/Geoff and Courtney/Duncan – incident 06.12] (from Opening Act II, MIDI file 2:38 – 3:20)

But stay—they waken, one by one—
The spell has worked—the deed is done!
I would suggest that we retire
While Love, the Housemaid, lights her kitchen fire!

[Courtney/Duncan – incident 06.13] (from Opening Act II, MIDI file 3:21 – 3:57)

[Gwen/Heather – incident 23.05]

Why, where be oi, and what be oi a doin’
A sleepin’ out, just when the dews du rise?

Why, that’s the very way your health to ruin,
And don’t seem quite respectable likewise!

[lovebirds] (from Opening Act II, MIDI file 3:57 – 6:35)



Eh, that’s you!
Only think of that, now!

What may you be at, now?
Tell me, du!

Eh, what a nose,
And eh, what eyes, miss!
Lips like a rose,
And cheeks likewise, miss!

Oi tell you true,
Which I’ve never done, sir,
Oi loike you
As I never loiked none, sir!
Eh, but oi du loike you!

If you’ll marry me, I’ll dig for you and rake for you!

If you’ll marry me, I’ll scrub for you and bake for you!

If you’ll marry me, all others I’ll forsake for you!

All this I will du, if you’ll marry me!

If you’ll marry me, I’ll cook for you and brew for you!

If you’ll marry me, I’ve guineas not a few for you!

If you’ll marry me, I’ll take for you and du for you!
All this will I du, if you’ll marry me!
Eh, but I du loike you!

[Gwen/Trent – incident 16.45] (verse 2 from “Thou hast the power”)

[Izzy/Owen – incident 19.10]

Gwen mad

If such thy love, oh, shame!

Thine is the power and thine alone,
To place me on so proud a throne
That kings might envy me!
A priceless throne of love untold,
More rare than orient pearl and gold.
But no! Thou wouldst be free!
Such love is like the ray
That dies within the day:
If such thy love, oh, shame!
Call it by other name—
It is not love!

[LeShawna – incident 16.76]

Oh, I have wrought much evil with my spells!
An ill I can’t undo!
This is too bad of you, J.W. Wells—
What wrong have they done you?
And see—another lovelorn lady comes—
Alas, poor stricken dame!
A gentle pensiveness her life benumbs—
And mine, alone, the blame!

[ Justin/Katie/Sadie – incident 27.41] (from “I have wrought much evil with my spells”, MIDI file 1:30 – 2:44)



Hate me! I drop my H’s—have through life!

Love me! I’ll drop them too!

Hate me! I always eat peas with a knife!

Love me! I’ll eat like you!

Hate me! I spend the day a Rosherville!

Love me! That joy I’ll share!

Hate me! I often roll down One Tree Hill!

Love me! I’ll meet you there!

Love me! My prejudices I will drop!

Hate me! That’s not enough!

Love me! I’ll come and help you in the shop!

Hate me! The life is rough!

Love me! My grammar I will all forswear!

Hate me! Abjure my lot!

Love me! I’ll stick sunflowers in my hair!

Hate me! They’ll suit you not!

[LeShawna – incident 16.77] (from “I have wrought much evil with my spells”, MIDI file 3:58 – 4:36)

Oh, agony, rage, despair!
Oh, where will this end—oh where?
I should very much like to know!
It will certainly be my fault
If she goes to her family vault,
To bury her life-long woe!

[Duncan/Courtney – incident 27.26] (gender roles reversed in TDI)

[Lindsay/Justin – incident 27.82] (gender roles as in original)

Alexis! Doubt me not, my loved one! See,
Thine uttered will is sovereign law to me!
All fear—all thought of ill I cast away!
It is my darling’s will, and I obey!

[Courtney – incident 12.13] (from “Alexis! Doubt me not”, MIDI file 0:34 – 1:23)

The fearful deed is done,
My love is near!
I go to meet my own
In trembling fear!
If o’er us aught of ill
Should cast a shade,
It was my darling’s will,
And I obeyed!

[Cody – incident 08.16]

Oh, my voice is sad and low
And with timid step I go—
For with load of love o’erladen,
I enquire of every maiden,
“Will you wed me, little lady?
Will you share my cottage shady?”
Little lady answers “No!
Thank you for your kindly proffer—
Good your heart, and full your coffer;
Yet I must decline your offer—
I’m engaged to So-and-so!”

[Izzy/Owen – incident 07.09] (MIDI file 2:18 – 3:00)

[various lovebirds – nature]

Owen & Izzy postflight

Rejoice, rejoice with me!

Oh, joyous boon! Oh, mad delight;
Oh, sun and moon! Oh, day and night!
Rejoice, rejoice with me!
Proclaim our joy, ye birds above—
Yet brooklets, murmur forth our love,
In choral ecstasy:
Ye birds, and brooks, and fruitful trees,
With choral joy delight the breeze—
Rejoice, rejoice with me!

[Trent/Gwen – incident 16.81] (from ensemble: “Oh, joyous boon”, MIDI file 3:47 – 4:15)

My dear young friend, consoled be—
In this I’m not an agent free—
Some most extraordinary spell
O’er us has cast its magic fell—
The consequence I need not tell.

[Gwen – incident 16.46] (from ensemble: “Oh, joyous boon”, MIDI file 4:16 – 4:30)

False one, begone—I spurn thee,
To thy new lover turn thee!
Thy perfidy all men shall know!

[LeShawna – incident 16.59] (from ensemble: “Oh, joyous boon”, MIDI file 4:31 – 4:43)

Come one, come all!
Obey my call!
Come hither, run!
Come, everyone!

[Trent/Gwen – incident 16.47] (from ensemble: “Oh, joyous boon”, MIDI file 4:44 – 5:17)

Oh, what is the matter,
And what is the clatter?
He’s glowering at her,
And threatens a blow!
Oh, why does he batter
The girl he did flatter?
And why does the latter
Recoil from him so?

[Gwen – incident 16.33] (MIDI file 5:18 – 5:51, gender roles reversed in TDI)

Prepare for sad surprises
My love Aline despises!
No thought of sorrow shames her—
Another lover claims her!
Be his, false girl, for better or for worse—
But, ere you leave me, may a lover’s curse—

[ Ezekiel – incident 02.17] (Finale)

Or I or he
Must die!
Which shall it be?

Die thou!
Thou art the cause of all offending!
Die thou!
Yield to our decree unbending!
Die thou!

[Eva – incident 03.23] (from Finale, MIDI file 0:38 – 1:14)

[various eliminated campers]

So be it! My fate is sealed.
To public execration thus I yield!
Be happy all—leave me to my despair—
I go—it matters not to whom—or where!


Verses from H.M.S. Pinafore

Gilbert & Sullivan's first blockbuster hit. For a brief plot summary, see the “Introduction to Gilbert & Sullivan” section above. Click the links provided for a more detailed plot summary; a tongue-in-cheek Short Attention Span summary; or a children's book adaptation of the Pinafore story, written by Gilbert himself.

[ Duncan/Owen – incident 18.09]

We sail the ocean blue,
And our saucy ship’s a beauty;
We’re sober men and true,
And attentive to our duty.
When the balls whistle free
O’er the bright blue sea,
We stand to our guns all day;
When at anchor we ride
On the Portsmouth tide,
We have plenty of time for play.

[ Geoff – incident 19.14] (with opening recitative)

Hail, men-o’-war’s men—safeguards of your nation,
Here is an end, at last, of all privation;
You’ve got your pay—spare all you can afford
To welcome Little Buttercup on board.

For I’m called Little Buttercup—
Dear Little Buttercup,
Though I could never tell why,
But still I’m called Buttercup—
Poor little Buttercup,
Sweet Little Buttercup I!

I’ve snuff and tobaccy,
And excellent jacky
I’ve scissors and watches and knives;
I’ve ribbons and laces
To set off the faces
Of pretty young sweethearts and wives.

[Incident 19.14 continued]

[Screaming Gophers – incident 07.03] (verse 3 from “I’m called Little Buttercup”, MIDI file 1:10 – 1:27)

[ Chris – incident 20.10]

I’ve treacle and toffee,
I’ve tea and I’ve coffee,
Soft tommy and succulent chops;
I’ve chickens and conies,
And pretty polonies,
And excellent peppermint drops.

[Incident 19.14 continued]

Then buy of your Buttercup—
Dear Little Buttercup;
Sailors should never by shy;
So, buy of your Buttercup—
Poor Little Buttercup;
Come, of your Buttercup buy!

[ Katie/Sadie – incidents 01.24, 06.16] (platonically, MIDI file 0:25 – 1:30)

[ D.J. – incident 11.13] (platonically)

[ Gwen/Trent 16.37] (romantically)

The nightingale
Sighed for the moon’s bright ray,
And told his tale
In his own melodious way!
He sang, “Ah, well-a-day!”

The lowly vale
For the mountains vainly sighed,
To his humble wail
The echoing hills replied.
He sang, “Ah, well-a-day!”

[ Cody – incident 22.35] (from scena #3, MIDI file 1:31 – 2:00)

I know the value of a kindly chorus,
But choruses yield little consolation
When we have pain and sorrow, too, before us!
I love—and love, alas, above my station!

He loves, and loves a lass above his station!
Yes, yes, the lass is much above his station!

[Gwen/Cody – incident 05.02] (from scena #3, MIDI file 2:01 – 2:46)

A maiden fair to see,
The pearl of minstrelsy,
A bud of blushing beauty;
For whom proud nobles sigh,
And with each other vie
To do her menial’s duty.

A suitor, lowly born,
With hopeless passion torn,
And poor beyond denying,
Has dared for her to pine
At whose exalted shrine
A world of wealth is sighing.

[ Heather/Beth/Lindsay – incident 04.01] (recitative)

[Chris/campers – incident 14.01] (ironically in TDI)

My gallant crew, good morning.

Sir, good morning!

I hope you’re all quite well.

Quite well; and you, sir?

I am in reasonable health,
And happy to meet you all once more.

You do us proud, sir!

[Incident 04.01 continued]

I am the Captain of the Pinafore.

And a right good captain, too!

You’re very, very good,
And be it understood,
I command a right good crew.
Though related to a peer,
I can hand, reef and steer,
And ship a selvagee;
I am never known to quail
At the fury of a gale,
And I’m never, never sick at sea.

[Chris/campers] (verse 2 (MIDI file 1:27 – 2:17) from “I am the Captain of the Pinafore” – ironically in TDI)

I do my best to satisfy you all.

And with you we’re quite content.

You’re exceedingly polite,
And I think it only right
To return the compliment.
Bad language or abuse,
I never, never use
Whatever the emergency;
Though “Bother it” I may
Occasionally say,
I never use a big, big D.

[ LeShawna/Gwen – incident 16.50] (recitative and song, 2 MIDI files)

Sir, you are sad! The silent eloquence
Of yonder tear that trembles on your eyelash
Proclaims a sorrow far more deep than common;
Confide in me—fear not—I am a mother!

Sorry her lot who loves too well,
Heavy the heart that hopes but vainly,
Sad are the sighs that own the spell,
Uttered by eyes that speak too plainly;
Heavy the sorrow that bows the head
When love is alive and hope is dead!

Sad is the hour when sets the sun—
Dark is the night to earth’s poor daughters,
When to the ark the wearied one
Flies from the empty waste of waters!
Heavy the sorrow that bows the head
When love is alive and hope is dead!

[ Eva – incident 15.04] (barcarolle)

[Owen – incident 23.08]

Over the bright blue sea
Comes Sir Joseph Porter, K.C.B.,
Wherever he may go
Bang-bang the loud nine-pounders go!
Shout o’er the bright blue sea
For Sir Joseph Porter K.C.B.

[ Harold – incident 07.05] (partial verse (MIDI file 1:03 – 1:13) from “Sir Joseph’s barge is seen”)

We’re smart and sober men,
And quite devoid of fe-ar;
In all the Royal N.
None are so smart as we are.

[Gwen/Heather/Duncan – incident 23.06] (from “Sir Joseph’s barge is seen”, MIDI file 1:13 – 1:40)

Gaily tripping,
Lightly skipping,
Flock the maidens to the shipping.

Flags and guns and pennants dipping!
All the ladies love the shipping!

[Duncan – incident 23.12] (from “Sir Joseph’s barge is seen”, MIDI file 1:40 – 1:58)

Sailors sprightly
Always rightly
Welcome ladies most politely.

Ladies who can smile so brightly,
Sailors welcome most politely.

[D.J. – incident 08.44] (Entrance of Sir Joseph, MIDI file 0:16 – 0:35)

I am the monarch of the sea,
The ruler of the Queen’s navy,
Whose praise Great Britain loudly chants.

And we are his sisters and his cousins and his aunts!

[D.J. – incident 08.02] (from Entrance of Sir Joseph, MIDI file 0:35 – 0:52)

When at anchor here I ride,
My bosom swells with pride,
And I snap my fingers at a foeman’s taunts;

And so do his sisters and his cousins and his aunts!

[Incident 08.02 continued] (from Entrance of Sir Joseph, MIDI file 0:52 – 1:16)

[Duncan/Gwen/Heather – incident 23.07]

But when the breezes blow,
I generally go below,
And seek the seclusion that a cabin grants;

And so do his sisters and his cousins and his aunts!
His sisters and his cousins,
Whom he reckons up by dozens,
And his aunts!

[ Courtney – incident 27.20]

When I was a lad, I served a term
As office boy to an Attorney’s firm.
I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor,
And I polished up the handle of the big front door.
I polished up that handle so carefully
That now I am the ruler of the Queen’s Navy!

As office boy I made such a mark
That they gave me the post of a junior clerk.
I served the writs with a smile so bland,
And I copied all the letters in a big round hand—
I copied all the letters in a hand so free,
That now I am the ruler of the Queen’s Navee!

In serving writs I made such a name
That an articled clerk I soon became;
I wore clean collars and a brand-new suit
For the pass examination at the Institute,
And that pass examination did so well for me,
That now I am the ruler of the Queen’s Navee!

Of legal knowledge I acquired such a grip
That they took me into the partnership.
And that junior partnership, I ween,
Was the only ship that I ever had seen.
But that kind of ship so suited me,
That now I am the ruler of the Queen’s Navee!

I grew so rich that I was sent
By a pocket borough into Parliament.
I always voted at my party’s call,
And I never thought of thinking for myself at all.
I thought so little, they rewarded me
By making me the ruler of the Queen’s Navee!

Now, landsmen all, whoever you may be,
If you want to rise to the top of the tree,
If your soul isn’t fettered to an office stool,
Be careful to be guided by this golden rule—
Stick close to your desks and never go to sea,
And you all may be rulers of the Queen’s Navy!

[Eva – nature and incident 03.04]

[Duncan – nature]

A British tar is a soaring soul,
As free as a mountain bird,
His energetic fist should be ready to resist
A dictatorial word.
His nose should pant and his lip should curl
His cheeks should flame and his brow should furl,
His bosom should heave and his heart should glow,
And his fist be ever ready for a knockdown blow.

His eyes should flash with an inborn fire,
His brow with scorn be wrung;
He never should bow down to a domineering frown,
Or the tang of a tyrant tongue.
His foot should stamp and his throat should growl,
His hair should twirl and his face should scowl,
His eyes should flash and his breast protrude,
And this should be his customary attitude—[belligerent pose]

[Gwen/Cody – incident 08.04]

[ Izzy/Owen – incident 27.08]

Refrain, audacious tar,
Your suit from pressing.
Remember what you are,
And whom addressing!

[Courtney/Duncan – incidents 12.30, 26.22] (from “Refrain, audacious tar” MIDI file 0:28 – 0:57)

I’d laugh my rank to scorn
In union holy,
Were he more highly born
Or I more lowly!

[Cody/Gwen – incident 08.18] (from “Refrain, audacious tar” MIDI file 0:57 – 1:54)

Proud lady, have your way,
Unfeeling beauty!
You speak, and I obey,
It is my duty!
I am the lowliest tar
That sails the water,
And you, proud maiden, are
My captain’s daughter!

My heart with anguish torn
Bows down before her,
She laughs my love to scorn,
Yet I adore her!

[Trent – incident 26.31] (recitative – Finale Act I)

Can I survive this overbearing
Or live a life of mad despairing,
My proffered love despised, rejected?
No, no, it’s not to be expected!

[Trent/Owen – incident 26.53] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 0:19 – 0:39)

Messmates ahoy!
Come here! Come here!

Aye, aye, my boy,
What cheer, what cheer?
Now tell us, pray,
Without delay,
What does she say?
What cheer? What cheer?

[Cody/Trent – incident 08.26] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 0:40 – 0:55)

The maiden treats my suit with scorn,
Rejects my humble gift;
She says I am ignobly born,
And cuts my hopes adrift.

[Cody – incident 08.07] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 1:07 – 1:55)

Shall we submit? Are we but slaves?
Love comes alike to high and low—
Britannia’s sailors rule the waves,
And shall they stoop to insult? No, no!

You must submit, you are but slaves;
A lady she! Oho! Oho!
You lowly toilers of the waves,
She spurns you all! I told you so!

[Trent – incident 16.86] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 1:55 – 2:42)

My friends, my leave of life I’m taking,
For oh, my heart, my heart is breaking.
When I am gone, oh, prithee tell
The maid that, as I died, I loved her well!

[Cody – incident 08.10] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 2:42 – 2:55)

[Trent – incident 26.35]

Be warned, my messmates all
Who love in rank above you—
For Josephine I fall!

[Lindsay/Tyler – incident 01.32] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 3:15 – 3:30)

[Geoff/Bridgette – incident 22.03]

Oh joy, oh rapture unforeseen
For now the sky is all serene;
The god of day—the orb of love—
Has hung his ensign high above;
The sky is all ablaze.

[Incident 01.32 continued]

[Izzy/Owen – incident 19.07] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 3:30 – 3:47)

[Geoff/Bridgette – incident 22.09]

With wooing words and loving song,
We’ll chase the lagging hours along,
And if we find the maiden coy,
We’ll murmur forth decorous joy
In dreamy roundelays!

[Harold/Duncan – incident 12.37] (partial verse from Finale Act I, MIDI file 3:47 – 4:01)

[Heather/Trent – incident 16.18]

He thinks he’s won his Josephine,
But though the sky is now serene,
A frowning thunderbolt above
May end their ill-assorted love
Which now is all ablaze.

[Chris/Chef Hatchet – incident 19.02] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 4:43 – 4:52)

This very night,
With bated breath
And muffled oar—
Without a light,
As still as death,
We’ll steal ashore.

[Bridgette/Eva/Ezekiel – incident 02.12] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 6:22 – 6:27)

Back, vermin, back,
Nor mock us!
Back, vermin, back,
You shock us!

[Heather – incident 09.16]

Fair moon, to thee I sing,
Bright regent of the heavens,
Say, why is everything
Either at sixes or at sevens?
I have lived hitherto
Free from the breath of slander,
Beloved by all my crew—
A really popular commander.
But now my kindly crew rebel,
My daughter to a tar is partial,
Sir Joseph storms, and sad to tell,
He threatens a court martial!
Fair moon, to thee I sing,
Bright regent of the heavens,
Say, why is everything
Either at sixes or at sevens?

[Chris – nature and incident 03.07]

[Tyler - nature]

Things are seldom what they seem,
Skim milk masquerades as cream;
Highlows pass as patent leathers;
Jackdaws strut in peacock’s feathers.

Black sheep dwell in every fold;
All that glitters is not gold;
Storks turn out to be but logs;
Bulls are but inflated frogs.

Drops the wind and stops the mill;
Turbot is ambitious brill;
Gild the farthing if you will,
Yet it is a farthing still.

[Lindsay – incident 18.17] (from “Things are seldom what they seem”, MIDI file 0:58 – 1:10)

Though to catch your drift I’m striving,
It is shady—it is shady;
I don’t see at what you’re driving,
Mystic lady—mystic lady.

[Elimination ceremony – incident 02.14] (from “Things are seldom what they seem”, MIDI file 1:11 – 1:24)

Stern conviction’s o’er me stealing,
That the mystic lady’s dealing
In oracular revealing.

[Lindsay/Beth] (from “Things are seldom what they seem”, MIDI file 1:25 – 1:43)

Though I’m anything but clever,
I could talk like that forever:
Once a cat was killed by care;
Only brave deserve the fair.

[Heather] (from “Things are seldom what they seem”, MIDI file 1:44 – 2:20)

Wink is often good as nod;
Spoils the child that spares the rod;
Thirsty lambs run foxy dangers;
Dogs are found in many mangers.

Paw of cat the chestnut snatches;
Worn-out garments show new patches;
Only count the chick that hatches;
Men are grown-up catchy-catchies.

[Chris – incident 18.16] (from “Things are seldom what they seem”, MIDI file 2:20 – 2:33)

[Owen – incident 27.43]

Though to catch my drift he’s striving,
I’ll dissemble—I’ll dissemble;
When he sees at what I’m driving,
Let him tremble—let him tremble!

[Ezekiel – incident 02.15] (from “Things are seldom what they seem”, MIDI file 2:33 – 2:46)

[Beth – incident 10.11]

[Elimination ceremony – nature]

Though a mystic tone you borrow,
I shall learn the truth with sorrow,
Here today and gone tomorrow;

Yes, I know—

That is so!

[Courtney – incident 12.17] (recitative)

[Bridgette – incident 14.09]

The hours creep on apace,
My guilty heart is quaking!
Oh, that I might retrace
The step that I am taking!
Its folly it were easy to be showing,
What I am giving up and whither going.
On the one hand, papa’s luxurious home,
Hung with ancestral armor and old brasses,
Carved oak and tapestry from distant Rome,
Rare “blue and white” Venetian finger glasses,
Rich oriental rugs, luxurious sofa pillows,
And everything that isn’t old, from Gillow’s.
And on the other, a dark and dingy room,
In some back street with stuffy children crying,
Where organs yell, and clacking housewives fume,
And clothes are hanging out all day a-drying.
With one cracked looking-glass to see your face in,
And dinner served up in a pudding basin!

[Bridgette/Geoff – incidents 08.52, 13.04] (from scena #15, MIDI file 1:35 – 4:39)

A simple sailor, lowly born,
Unlettered and unknown,
Who toils for bread from early morn
Till half the night has flown!
No golden rank can he impart—
No wealth of house or land—
No fortune save his trusty heart
And honest brown right hand!
And yet he is so wondrous fair
That love for one so passing rare,
So peerless in his manly beauty,
Were little else than solemn duty!
Oh, god of love, and god of reason, say,
Which of you twain shall my poor heart obey!

[Courtney/Duncan – incident 12.31] (gender roles partially reversed in TDI; originally a trio)

DxC First kiss

Love can level ranks

Never mind the why and wherefore,
Love can level ranks, and therefore,
Though his lordship’s station’s mighty,
Though stupendous be his brain,
Though your tastes are mean and flighty
And your fortune poor and plain,

Let the air with joy be laden,
Rend with songs the air above,
For the union of a maiden
With the man who owns her love!

Never mind the why and wherefore,
Love can level ranks, and therefore,
Though your nautical relation
In my set could scarcely pass—
Though you occupy a station
In the lower middle class—

Let the air with joy be laden, etc.

Never mind the why and wherefore,
Love can level ranks, and therefore
I admit the jurisdiction;
Ably have you played your part;
You have carried firm conviction
To my hesitating heart.
Let the air with joy be laden, etc.

[Lindsay/Gwen – incident 16.21] (gender roles reversed in TDI)

Kind Captain, I’ve important information,
Sing hey, the kind commander that you are,
About a certain intimate relation,
Sing hey, the merry maiden and the tar.

Good fellow, in conundrums you are speaking,
Sing hey, the mystic sailor that you are;
The answer to them vainly I am seeking;
Sing hey, the merry maiden and the tar.

[Gwen – incident 16.32] (verse 3 from “Kind Captain, I’ve important information” – gender roles reversed in TDI)

Kind Captain, your young lady is a-sighing,
Sing hey, the simple captain that you are,
This very night with Rackstraw to be flying;
Sing hey, the merry maiden and the tar.

[Gwen – incident 16.48] (verse 4 from “Kind Captain, I’ve important information” – gender roles reversed in TDI)

Good fellow, you have given timely warning,
Sing hey, the thoughtful sailor that you are,
I’ll talk to Master Rackstraw in the morning:
Sing hey, that cat-o’-nine-tails and the tar.

[Izzy/Owen – incident 19.05]

Carefully on tiptoe stealing,
Breathing gently as we may,
Every step with caution feeling,
We will softly steal away.

[Heather/Lindsay – incident 04.10] (from “Carefully on tiptoe stealing”, MIDI file 1:32 – 1:54)

Pretty daughter of mine,
I insist upon knowing
Where you may be going
With these sons of the brine.
For my excellent crew,
Though foes they could thump any,
Are scarcely fit company,
My daughter, for you.

Now, hark at that, do!
Though foes we could thump any,
We are scarcely fit company
For a lady like you!

[Tyler/Heather – incident 04.15] (from “Carefully on tiptoe stealing”, MIDI file 1:55 – 2:08)

Proud officer, that haughty lip uncurl!
Vain man, suppress that supercilious sneer,
For I have dared to love your matchless girl,
A fact well known to all my messmates here!

[Ezekiel – incident 22.08] (from “Carefully on tiptoe stealing”, MIDI file 2:11 – 2:41)

I, humble, poor, and lowly born,
The meanest in the port division—
The butt of epauletted scorn,
The mark of quarterdeck derision—
Have dared to raise my wormy eyes
Above the dust to which you’d mould me,
In manhood’s glorious pride to rise,
I am an Englishman—behold me!

[Lindsay - incident 18.22] (from “Carefully on tiptoe stealing”, MIDI file 4:29 – 4:40)

[Owen- incident 21.29]

Did you hear him—did you hear him?
Oh, the monster overbearing!
Don’t go near him—don’t go near him—
He is swearing—he is swearing!

[Heather – incidents 18.25, 21.11] (from “Carefully on tiptoe stealing”, MIDI file 4:41 – 4:57)

My pain and my distress,
I find it is not easy to express.
My amazement—my surprise—
You may learn from the expression of my eyes!

[Courtney – incident 12.53]

[Trent – incident 16.84]

[Bridgette – incident 17.37]

Farewell, my own,
Light of my life, farewell!
For crime unknown
I go to a dungeon cell.

[Geoff – incident 18.05] (verse 2 from “Farewell, my own”)

I will atone.
In the meantime, farewell!
And all alone
Rejoice in your dungeon cell!

[Chef Hatchet/Duncan – incident 12.08] (verse 3 from “Farewell, my own”, MIDI file 0:30 – 0:44)

[LeShawna/Heather – incident 26.37]

A bone, a bone
I’ll pick with this sailor fell;
Let him be shown
At once to his dungeon cell.

[Heather – incident 18.27]

My pain and my distress
Again it is not easy to express.
My amazement, my surprise
Again you may discover from my eyes.

[LeShawna – incident 16.73] (from “My pain and my distress”, MIDI file 0:20 – 0:37)

[Owen – incident 23.03]

Hold! Ere upon your loss
You lay much stress,
A long-concealed crime
I would confess!

[Gwen/Geoff – incident 21.23] (from “A many years ago”, MIDI file 1:35 – 1:47)

Oh, bitter is my cup!
However could I do it?
I mixed those children up,
And not a creature knew it!

[Gwen – incident 26.54] (from Finale, MIDI file 0:30 – 1:03, gender roles reversed in TDI)

For he’s the Captain of the Pinafore.

And a right good captain too!

And though before my fall
I was Captain of you all,
I’m a member of the crew.
I shall marry with a wife,
In my humble rank in life!
And you, my own, are she—
I must wander to and fro,
But wherever I may go,
I shall never be untrue to thee!

[Gwen/Trent – incident 08.48] (from Finale, MIDI file 1:24 – 1:58)

For he loves little Buttercup, dear little Buttercup,
Though I could never tell why;
But still he loves Buttercup, dear little Buttercup,
Sweet little Buttercup, aye!

[Owen/Izzy – incident 26.44] (from Finale, MIDI file 1:58 – 2:19)

I’m the monarch of the sea,
And when I’ve married thee
I’ll be true to the devotion that my love implants
Then goodbye to your sisters and your cousins and your aunts,
Especially your cousins,
Whom you reckon up by dozens,
And your aunts!


Verses from The Pirates of Penzance

For a brief plot summary, see the “Introduction to Gilbert & Sullivan” section above. Click the links provided for a more detailed plot summary or the Short Attention Span summary.

[Boot camp trainees – incident 12.27]

[Chris/campers – incident 16.62]

Pour, oh, pour the pirate sherry;
Fill, oh, fill the pirate glass;
And, to make us more than merry,
Let the pirate bumper pass.

[ Courtney – incident 12.33] (verse 2 from Opening, MIDI file 0:50 – 1:05)

For today our pirate ‘prentice
Rises from indenture freed;
Strong his arm and keen his scent is,
He’s a pirate now, indeed!

Here’s good luck to Fredrick’s ventures!
Fredrick’s out of his indentures.

[ Lindsay – incident 01.27] (verse 2 from “When Fredrick was a little lad”, MIDI file 0:46 – 1:36)

I was a stupid nurserymaid, on breakers always steering,
And I did not catch the word aright, through being hard of hearing;
Mistaking my instructions, which within my brain did gyrate,
I took and bound this promising boy apprentice to a pirate.
A sad mistake it was to make and doom him to a vile lot.
I bound him to a pirate—you—instead of to a pilot.

[ Gwen – incident 02.21] (verse 3 from “When Fredrick was a little lad”, MIDI file 1:31 – 2:22)

I soon found out, beyond all doubt, the scope of this disaster,
But I hadn’t the face to return to my place and break it to my master.
A nurserymaid is not afraid of what you people call work,
So I made up my mind to go as a kind of piratical maid-of-all-work.
And that is how you find me now, a member of your shy lot,
Which you wouldn’t have found, had he been bound apprentice to a pilot.

[ Chris – incident 16.07]

[ Duncan – nature]

Oh, better far to live and die
Under the brave black flag I fly,
Than play a sanctimonious part
With a pirate head and a pirate heart.
Away to the cheating world go you,
Where pirates all are well to do;
But I’ll be true to the song I sing,
And live and die a Pirate King.
For I am a Pirate King.
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King.

[Chris – incident 16.05] (verse 2 from “Oh, better far to live and die”, MIDI file 1:10 – 2:19)

[Duncan - nature]

When I sally forth to seek my prey
I help myself in a royal way:
I sink a few more ships, it’s true,
Than a well-bred monarch ought to do;
But many a king on a first-class throne,
If he wants to call his crown his own,
Must manage somehow to get through
More dirty work than ever I do,
Though I am a Pirate King,
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King!

[Gwen/Trent – incident 26.28] (from “Oh, false one”, MIDI file 0:40 – 1:18, gender roles reversed in TDI)

Faithless woman, to deceive me,
I who trusted so!

Master, master, do not leave me!
Here me, ere you go!

[Harold – incident 10.15] (recitative, from “Oh, false one”, MIDI file 2:48 – 3:09)

What shall I do? Before these gentle maidens
I dare not show in this alarming costume!
No, no, I must remain in close concealment
Until I can appear in decent clothing!

[Gwen/Heather – incident 24.14] (begins the song recycled from Thespis)

Climbing over rocky mountain,
Skipping rivulet and fountain,
Passing where the willows quiver
By the ever-rolling river,
Swollen with the summer rain;
Threading long and leafy mazes
Dotted with unnumbered daisies;
Scaling rough and rugged passes,
Climb the hardy little lasses
Till the bright seashore they gain!

[ Bridgette/Geoff – incident 11.11] (from “Climbing over rocky mountain”, recycled from Thespis, MIDI file 1:19 – 2:09)

Let us gaily tread the measure,
Make the most of fleeting leisure;
Hail it as a true ally,
Though it perish by and by.

Every moment brings a treasure
Of its own especial pleasure,
Though the moments quickly die,
Greet them gaily as they fly.

[Heather – incident 23.16] (from “Climbing over rocky mountain”, recycled from Thespis, MIDI file 2:09 – 2:54)

Far away from toil and care,
Reveling in fresh sea air,
Here we live and reign alone
In a world that’s all our own.
Here in this, our rocky den,
Far away from mortal men,
We’ll be queens and make decrees—
They may honor them who please.

[ Chef Hatchet/Owen/Izzy – incident 19.08] (recitative, from “Stop, ladies, pray”)

I had intended
Not to intrude myself upon your notice
In this effective but alarming costume;
But under these peculiar circumstances,
It is my bounden duty to inform you
That your proceeding will not be unwitnessed!

[ Cody/Bridgette – incident 07.10] (recitiative, from “Stop, ladies, pray”, MIDI file 0:36 – 1:04)

Ladies, do not shun me!
This evening I renounce my wild profession;
And, to that end, oh, pure and peerless maidens!
Oh, blushing buds of ever-blooming beauty!
I, sore at heart, implore your kind assistance.

[Bridgette/Geoff – incident 17.35] (MIDI file 1:19 – 2:30, gender roles reversed in TDI)

[Duncan/Courtney – nature and incident 21.26] (gender roles as in original)

Oh, is there not one maiden breast
Which does not feel the moral beauty
Of making worldly interest
Subordinate to sense of duty?
Who would not give up willingly
All matrimonial ambition,
To rescue such a one as I
From his unfortunate position?

[ Beth ] (from” Oh, is there not one maiden breast”, MIDI file 2:30 – 3:48)

Oh, is there not one maiden here
Whose homely face and bad complexion
Have caused all hopes to disappear
Of ever winning man’s affection?
To such a one, if such there be,
I swear by Heaven’s arch above you,
If you will cast your eyes on me—
However plain you be—I’ll love you!

[Courtney/Geoff – incident 12.11] (from” Oh, is there not one maiden breast”, MIDI file 4:09 – 4:43)

Oh, sisters deaf to pity’s name,
For shame!
It’s true that he has gone astray,
But pray
Is that a reason good and true
Why you
Should all be deaf to pity’s name!

The question is, had he not been
A thing of beauty,
Would she be swayed by quite as keen
A sense of duty?

[Courtney/Duncan – incident 12.32] (ironically in TDI)

[Gwen/Trent – incident 26.47] (in earnest)

Poor wandering one!
Though thou hast surely strayed,
Take heart of grace,
Thy steps retrace,
Poor wandering one!

Poor wandering one!
If such poor love as mine
Can help thee find
True peace of mind—
Why, take it, it is thine!

[Heather – incident 27.35]

What ought we to do,
Gentle sisters, say?
Propriety, we know,
Says we ought to stay;
While sympathy exclaims,
“Free them from your tether—
Play at other games—
Leave them here together.”

[Geoff – incident 21.12] (chattering chorus, MIDI file 0:40 – 1:03)

[Beth/Lindsay – incidents 27.36, 27.81)]

[ Katie/Sadie – incident 27.40]

How beautifully blue the sky,
The glass is rising very high,
Continue fine I hope it may,
And yet it rained but yesterday.
Tomorrow it may pour again
(I hear the country wants some rain),
Yet people say, I know not why,
That we shall have a warm July.

[Gwen – incident 16.11] (from “What ought we to do”, MIDI file 1:03 – 1:34)

Did ever maiden wake
From dream of homely duty,
To find her daylight break
With such exceeding, beauty?
Did ever maiden close
Her eyes on waking sadness,
To dream of such exceeding gladness?

[Duncan – incident 11.22] (from “What ought we to do”, MIDI file 1:56 – 2:08)

Did ever pirate roll
His soul in guilty dreaming,
And wake to find that soul
With peace and virtue beaming?

[Duncan – incident 12.36] (from “What ought we to do”, MIDI file 2:18 – 2:43)

Did ever pirate loathed
Forsake his hideous mission,
To find himself betrothed
To lady of position?

[Gwen/Heather – incident 24.21] (recitative)

Stay, we must not lose our senses;
Men who stick at no offenses
Will anon be here.
Piracy their dreadful trade is,
Pray you, get you hence young ladies,
While the coast is clear.

[Cody – nature and incident 04.07]

I am the very model of a modern Major General,
I’ve information vegetable, animal or mineral,
I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical,
From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical;
I’m very well acquainted to with matters mathematical,
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,
About binomial theorem I am teeming with a lot of news—
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.
I’m very good at integral and differential calculus,
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major General.

[ Harold – nature and incidents 05.32, 27.45] (verse 2 from “I am the very model of a modern Major General”), MIDI file 1:02 – 1:51)

I know our mythic history, King Arthur’s and Sir Caradoc’s,
I answer hard acrostics, I’ve a pretty taste for paradox,
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus,
In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous.
I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies,
I know the croaking chorus from The Frogs of Aristophanies,
Then I can hum a fugue of which I’ve heard the music’s din afore,
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.
Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform,
And tell you every detail of Caractacus’ uniform;
In short, in matters, vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major General.

[Chef Hatchet] (verse 3 from “I am the very model of a modern Major General”), MIDI file 1:51 – 2:54)

In fact, when I know what is meant by “mamelon” and “ravelin,”
When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin,
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I’m more wary at,
And when I know precisely what is meant by “commissariat,”
When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery,
When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery:
In short, when I’ve a smattering of elemental strategy,
You’ll say a better Major General has never sat a gee
For my military knowledge, though I’m plucky and adventury,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century;
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major General.

[Duncan/Chef Hatchet – incident 24.11] (Finale Act I)

[Heather/Duncan – incident 24.28]

Oh, men of dark and dismal fate,
Forgo your cruel employ,
Have pity on my lonely state,
I am an orphan boy!

[Duncan/girls – incident 24.32] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 1:29 – 2:05)

See, at our feet they kneel;
Our hearts we cannot steel
Against the sad, sad tale of the lonely orphan boy!

[Heather – incidents 16.66, 24.29] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 2:06 – 2:24)

I’m telling a terrible story,
But it doesn’t diminish my glory,
For they would have taken my daughters
Over the billowy waters;
If I hadn’t, in elegant diction,
Indulged in an innocent fiction,
Which is not in the same category
As a regular terrible story.

[Heather – incident 16.25] (ensemble with verse below; from Finale Act I, MIDI file 2:24 – 2:53)

[Gwen – incident 24.31]

He’s telling a terrible story,
Which will tend to diminish his glory,
Though they would have taken his daughters
Over the billowy waters.
It’s easy, in elegant diction,
To call it an innocent fiction,
But it falls in the same category
As a regular terrible story.

[Trent/Cody – incident 08.27] (ensemble with verse above; from Finale Act I, MIDI file 2:24 – 2:53)

If he’s telling a terrible story,
He shall die a death that is gory,
With one of the cruelest slaughters
That ever were known in these waters;
And we’ll finish his moral affliction
With a very complete malediction,
As a compliment valedictory
If he’s telling a terrible story.

[Duncan – incidents 11.24, 21.14] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 2:54 – 3:31)

Although our dark career
Sometimes involves the crime of stealing,
We rather think that we’re
Not altogether void of feeling.
Although we live by strife,
We’re always sorry to begin it,
For what, we ask, is life
Without a touch of Poetry in it?

[Harold/LeShawna – incident 13.11] (hymn – from Finale Act I, MIDI file 3:32 – 4:11)

Hail, Poetry, thou heaven-born maid!
Thou gildest even the pirate’s trade;
Hail, flowing fount of sentiment!
All hail, all hail, Divine Emollient!

[Owen/Izzy – incidents 19.13, 20.04] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 5:29 – 6:11)



Oh, master, hear one word, I do implore you!
Remember Ruth, your Ruth, who kneels before you!

Away, you did deceive me!

Oh, do not leave me!

Away, you grieve me!
I wish you’d leave me!

[Chef Hatchet – incident 12.44] (ironically in TDI)

Oh, dry the glistening tear
That dews that martial cheek;
Thy loving children hear,
In them thy comfort seek.
With sympathetic care
Their arms around thee creep,
For oh, they cannot bear
To see their father weep!

[Heather – incident 05.35] (from Opening Act II, MIDI file 1:30 – 2:15)

Dear father, why leave your bed
At this untimely hour,
When happy daylight is dead,
And darksome dangers lower?
See heaven has lit her lamp,
The midnight hour is past,
The chilly night air is damp,
And the dews are falling fast!
Dear father, why leave your bed
When happy daylight is dead?

[ Balloonist cameraman – incident 27.67] (MIDI file 0:20 – 1:36)

Frightened staffer

when threatened with emeutes

When the foeman bares his steel,
We uncomfortable feel,
And we find the wisest thing
Is to slap our chests and sing
For when threatened with emeutes,
And your heart is in your boots,
There is nothing brings it round
Like the trumpet’s martial sound.

[Boot Camp trainees – incident 12.03] (from “When the foeman bares his steel”, MIDI file 1:37 – 2:44)

Go ye heroes, go to glory,
Though ye die in combat gory,
Ye shall live in song and story.
Go to immortality!
Go to death, and go to slaughter;
Die, and every Cornish daughter
With her tears, your graves shall water.
Go ye heroes, go and die!

Though to us it’s evident,
These intentions are well meant,
Such expressions don’t appear
Calculated men to cheer,
Who are going to meet their fate
In a highly nervous state.
Still, to us it’s evident
These attentions are well meant.

[Incident 12.03 continued]

[Chef/campers – incident 24.10] (from “When the foeman bares his steel”, MIDI file 2:45 – 3:16)

Go and do your best endeavor,
And before all links we sever,
We will say farewell forever.
Go to glory and the grave!
For your foes are fierce and ruthless,
False, unmerciful, and truthless,
Young and tender, old and toothless,
All in vain their mercy crave.

[Incident 12.03 continued]

[Incident 24.10 continued]

[Gwen – incident 07.08] (from “When the foeman bares his steel”, MIDI file 3:16 – 3:42)

We observe too great a stress
On the risks that on us press,
And of reference a lack
To our chance of coming back.
Still, perhaps it would be wise
Not to carp or criticize,
For it’s very evident
These attentions are well meant.

[Chris/Lindsay – incident 18.15] (chant – from “When you had left our Pirate fold”, MIDI file 2:45 – 4:46)

For some ridiculous reason, to which, however, I’ve no desire to be disloyal,
Some person in authority, I don’t know who, very likely the Astronomer Royal,
Has decided that, although for such a beastly month as February, twenty-eight days as a rule are plenty,
One year in every four his days shall be reckoned as nine-and-twenty.
Through some singular coincidence—I shouldn’t be surprised if it were owing to the agency of an ill-natured fairy—
You are the victim of this clumsy arrangement, having been born in leap-year, on the twenty-ninth of February.
And so, by simple arithmetical process, you’ll easily discover
That though you’ve lived twenty-one years, yet, if we go by birthdays, you’re only five and a little bit over!

How quaint the ways of Paradox!
At common sense she gaily mocks!
Though counting in the usual way,
Years twenty-one I’ve been alive,
Yet, reckoning by my natal day,
I am a little boy of five!

[LeShawna – incident 16.55]

[ Eva – incident 27.61]

Away, away! My heart’s on fire;
I burn this base deception to repay!
This very night, my vengeance dire
Shall glut itself in gore. Away, away!

[Geoff – incident 17.33] (from “Away, away! My heart’s on fire”, MIDI file 0:13 – 0:25)

Away, away! Ere I expire—
I find my duty hard to do today!
My heart is filled with anguish dire,
It strikes me to the core! Away, away!

[LeShawna – incident 16.56] (from “Away, away! My heart’s on fire”, MIDI file 0:25 – 1:32, gender roles reversed in TDI)

[Gwen – incident 17.10] (gender roles reversed in TDI)

[Courtney/Harold – incident 22.14]

With falsehood foul
He tricked us of our brides.
Let vengeance howl;
The Pirate so decides.
Our nature stern
He softened with his lies,
And, in return,
Tonight the traitor dies.

Tonight he dies!
Yes, or early tomorrow.
His girls likewise?
They will welter in sorrow.
The one soft spot
In our natures we cherish,
And all those who plot
To abuse it shall perish!

[Duncan/Courtney – incident 12.51] (MIDI file 1:13 – 2:00, gender roles reversed in TDI)

Stay, Frederic, stay!
They have no legal claim,
No shadow of a shame
Will fall upon thy name.
Stay, Frederic, stay!

Nay, Mabel, nay!
Tonight I quit these walls,
The thought my soul appalls,
But when stern duty calls,
I must obey.

[Duncan/Courtney – incident 12.54] (from “Stay, Frederic, stay”, MIDI file 2:01 – 3:50)

[Bridgette/Geoff – incident 14.03]

[Gwen/Trent – incident 16.87]

Ah, leave me not to pine,
Alone and desolate;
No fate seemed fair as mine,
No happiness so great!
And nature, day by day,
Has sung, in accents clear,
This joyous roundelay,
“He loves thee—he is here.”

Ah, must I leave thee here
In endless night to dream,
Where joy is dark and drear,
And sorrow all supreme!
Where nature, day by day,
Will sing, in altered tone,
This weary roundelay,
“He loves thee—he is gone.”

[Gwen/Trent – incident 16.79] (from “Stay, Frederic, stay”, MIDI file 4:20 – 5:11)

Oh, here is love, and here is truth,
And here is food for joyous laughter.
She will be faithful to her sooth
Till we are wed, and even after.

[Heather – incident 17.28]

No, I’ll be brave! Oh, family descent,
How great thy charms, thy sway how excellent!
Come, one and all, undaunted men in blue,
A crisis, now, affairs are coming to!

[Beth/Harold – incident 07.04] (from “No, I’ll be brave”, MIDI file 0:21 – 1:16)

[ D.J./Trent – incident 13.06]

Though in body and in mind,
We are timidly inclined,
And anything but blind
To the danger that’s behind,
Yet, when the danger’s near,
We manage to appear
As insensible to fear
As anybody here.


When a felon’s not engaged in his employment,
Or maturing his felonious little plans,
His capacity for innocent enjoyment
Is just as great as any honest man’s.
Our feelings we with difficulty smother
When constabulary duty’s to be done.
Ah, take one consideration with another,
A policeman’s lot is not a happy one.

When the enterprising burglar’s not a-burgling,
When the cutthroat isn’t occupied in crime,
He loves to hear the little brook a-gurgling
And listen to the merry village chime.
When the coster’s finished jumping on his mother,
He loves to lie a-basking in the sun—
Ah, take one consideration with another,
A policeman’s lot is not a happy one.

[LeShawna – incident 16.95]

A rollicking band of pirates we,
Who, tired of tossing on the sea,
Are trying their hand at a burglaree
With weapons grim and gory.

We are not coming for plate or gold—
A story General Stanley told—
We seek a penalty fifty-fold,
For General Stanley’s story.

[Beth – incident 09.05]

[Duncan/Courtney – incident 12.21] (MIDI file 0:47 – 1:13)

[Heather – incident 16.09]

[very loud]

With cat-like tread,
Upon our prey we steal,
In silence dread
Our cautious way we feel.
No sound at all,
We never speak a word,
A fly’s footfall
Would be distinctly heard.

[Incident 16.09 continued] (MIDI file 1:13 – 3:29)

So stealthily the pirate creeps,
While all the household soundly sleeps.
Come, friends who plow the sea;
Truce to navigation
Take another station
Let’s vary piracee
With a little burglaree.

Here’s your crowbar, and your centerbit,
Your life preserver—you may want to hit;
Your silent matches, your dark lantern sieze—
Take your file and your skeletonic keys.

[Leshawna – incident 19.19] (recitative, from Finale Act II, MIDI file 0:52 – 1:09)

No, all is still
In dale, on hill;
My mind is set at ease—
So still the scene,
It must have been
The sighing of the breeze.

[ Justin – nature and incident 27.58] (MIDI file 1:10 – 3:56)

Sighing softly to the river
Comes the loving breeze,
Setting nature all a-quiver,
Rustling through the trees.
And the brook, in rippling measure,
Laughs for very love
While the poplars, in their pleasure
Wave their arms above.

Yes, the trees, for very love,
Wave their leafy arms above.
River, river, little river,
May thy loving prosper ever.
Heaven speed thee, poplar tree,
May thy wooing happy be!

Yet, the breeze is but a rover;
When he wings away,
Brook and poplar mourn a lover,
Sighing, well-a-day!
Ah, the doing and undoing
That the rogue could tell!
When the breeze is out a-wooing,
Who can woo so well?

Shocking tales the rogue could tell—
Nobody can woo so well.
Pretty brook, thy dream is over,
For thy love is but a rover!
Sad the lot of poplar trees,
Courted by a fickle breeze!

[Owen – incident 03.22] (from Finale Act II, MIDI file 3:57 – 4:27)

Now what is this, and what is that, and why does father leave his rest
At such a time of night as this, so very incompletely dressed?
Dear father is, and always was, the most methodical of men.
It’s his invariable rule to go to bed at half past ten.
What strange occurrence can it be that calls dear father from his rest
At such a time of night as this, so very incompletely dressed?

[LeShawna/Trent – incident 16.64] (from Finale Act II, MIDI file 5:09 – 5:26)

[Chef/Izzy – incident 17.19]

[Gwen/Owen/Heather – incident 25.32]

With base deceit
You practiced on our feelings!
Revenge is sweet,
And flavors all our dealings!
With courage rare
And resolution manly,
For death prepare,
Unhappy General Stanley!

[Gwen/EPKWACAAH – incident 19.32] (from Finale Act II, MIDI file 5:26 – 6:01)

Is he to die, unshrivenunannealed?
Will no one in his cause a weapon wield?

Yes, we are here, though hitherto concealed!
So to Constabulary, pirates, yield!

[Owen – incident 04.20] (from Finale Act II, MIDI file 6:02 – 6:26)

You triumph now,
For well we trow,
Our mortal careers cut short;
No pirate band
Will take its stand
In the Central Criminal Court!

[Chris/Duncan/Courtney – incident 12.47] (from Finale Act II, MIDI file 7:51 – 8:23)

Away with them, and place them at the bar!

One moment! Let me tell you who they are.
They are no members of the common throng;
They are all noblemen who have gone wrong!

[Heather – incident 23.31] (from Finale Act II, MIDI file 8:44 – 9:00)

I pray you pardon me, Ex-Pirate King;
Peers will be peers, And youth will have its fling.
Resume your ranks And legislative duties,
And take my daughters, All of whom are beauties.


Verses from Patience

For a brief plot summary, see the “Introduction to Gilbert & Sullivan” section above. Click the links provided for a more detailed plot summary or the Short Attention Span summary.

[ Justin – nature and incidents 01.15, 26.26]

Twenty lovesick maidens we,
Lovesick all against our will.
Twenty year hence, we shall be
Twenty lovesick maidens still.
Twenty lovesick maidens we,
And we die for love of thee.

[ Cody – incident 22.33] (from Opening, MIDI file 1:34 – 2:19)

Love feeds on hope, they say, or love will die—
Yet my love lives, although no hope have I!
Alas, poor heart, go hide thyself away—
To weeping concords tune thy roundelay!

[ Izzy/Eva – incident 27.59] (from Opening, MIDI file 2:20 – 2:42)

All our love is all for one,
Yet that love he heedeth not.
He is coy and cares for none,
Sad and sorry is our lot!

[ Gwen/Trent – incidents 16.38] (from Opening, MIDI file 2:42 – 3:33)

Go, breaking heart,
Go, dream of love requited;
Go, foolish heart,
Go, dream of lovers plighted;
Go, madcap heart,
Go, dream of never waking;
And in thy dream
Forget that thou art breaking!

[ Heather – incident 16.35] (recitative)

Still brooding on their mad infatuation!
I thank thee, Love, thou comest not to me!
Far happier I, free from thy ministration,
Than dukes or duchesses who love can be!

[Heather – incident 16.92] (MIDI file 1:01 – 2:11, sarcastically in TDI)

I cannot tell what this love may be
That cometh to all, but not to me.
It cannot be kind as they’d imply,
Or why do these ladies sigh?
It cannot be joy and rapture deep,
Or why do these gentle ladies weep?
It cannot be blissful as ‘tis said,
Or why are their eyes so wondrous red?

Though everywhere true love I see
A-coming to all, but not to me
I cannot tell what this love may be!
For I am blithe and I am gay,
While they sit sighing night and day;
Think of the gulf ‘twixt them and me,
“Fa la la la”—and “Miserie!”

[Cody – incident 08.19] (from “I cannot tell what this love may be”, MIDI file 2:11 – 2:39)

If love is a thorn, they show no wit
Who foolishly hug and foster it.
If love is a weed, how simple they
Who gather it, day by day!
If love is a nettle that makes you smart,
Then why do you wear it next your heart?
And if it be none of these, say I,
Ah, why do you sit and sob and sigh?

[ Beth/Lindsay – nature and incident 03.10]

The soldiers of our Queen
Are linked in friendly tether;
Upon the battle scene
We fight the foe together.
There every mother’s son
Prepared to fight and fall is;
The enemy of one
The enemy of all is!

[ Chef Hatchet, Renaissance man of Wawanakwa] (MIDI file 0:55 – 3:23)

Patience Act 1 - If you want a receipt

Patience Act 1 - If you want a receipt

Chef Hatchet's theme

If you want a receipt for that popular mystery,
Known to the world as a Heavy Dragoon,
Take all the remarkable people in history,
Rattle them off to a popular tune.

The pluck of Lord Nelson on board of the Victory
Genius of Bismarck devising a plan—
The humor of Fielding (which sounds contradictory)—
Coolness of Paget about to trepan
The science of Jullien, the eminent musico—
Wit of Macaulay, who wrote of Queen Anne—
The pathos of Paddy, as rendered by Boucicault—
Style of the Bishop of Sodor and Man—
The dash of a D’Orsay, divested of quackery—
Narrative powers of Dickens and Thackery—
Victor Emmanuel—peak-haunting Peveril—
Thomas Aquinas, and Doctor Sacheverell—
Tupper and Tennyson—Daniel Defoe—
Anthony Trollope and Mr. Guizot!
Take of these elements all that is fusible,
Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible,
Set them to simmer and take off the scum,
And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum!

If you want a receipt for this soldier-like paragon,
Get at the wealth of the Czar (if you can)—
The family pride of a Spaniard from Aragon—
Force of Mephisto pronouncing a ban—
A smack of Lord Waterford, reckless and rollicky—
Swagger of Roderick, heading his clan—
The keen penetration of Paddington Pollaky—
Grace of an Odalisque on a divan—
The genius strategic of Caesar or Hannibal—
Skill of Sir Garnet in thrashing a cannibal—
Flavor of Hamlet—the Stranger, a touch of him—
Little of Manfred (but not very much of him)—
Beadle of Burlington—Richardson’s show—
Mr. Micawber and Madame Tussaud!
Take of these elements all that is fusible,
Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible,
Set them to simmer and take off the scum,
And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum!

[ Katie/Sadie – incident 27.39]

In a doleful train
Two and two we walk all day—
For we love in vain!
None so sorrowful as they
Who can only sigh and say,
Woe is me, alackaday!

[Chef Hatchet – incident 12.40] (partial verse from “In a doleful train”, MIDI file 0:55 – 1:35)

Instead of slyly peering at us,
Casting looks endearing at us,
Blushing at us, flushing at us, flirting with a fan;
They’re actually sneering at us, fleering at us, jeering at us!
Pretty sort of treatment for a military man!

[Katie/Sadie/Justin – incident 27.27] (from “In a doleful train”, MIDI file 1:35 – 2:24)

Mystic poet, hear our prayer,
Twenty lovesick maidens we—
Young and wealthy, dark and fair—
All of county family.
And we die for love of thee—
Twenty lovesick maidens we!

[Gwen/Trent – incidents 05.23, 16.01] (from “In a doleful train”, MIDI file 2:25 – 2:44, gender roles reversed in TDI)

Though my book I seem to scan
In a rapt ecstatic way
Like a literary man
Who despises female clay,
I hear plainly all they say,
Twenty lovesick maidens they!

[Cody/Gwen – incident 05.17] (from “In a doleful train”, MIDI file 2:44 – 3:28, gender roles reversed in TDI)

Though so excellently wise,
For a moment mortal be,
Deign to raise thy purple eyes
From thy heart-drawn poesy.
Twenty lovesick maidens see—
Each is kneeling on her knee!

[Gwen/Trent – incidents 05.24, 16.02] (from “In a doleful train”, MIDI file 3:29 – 3:47, gender roles reversed in TDI)

Though, as I remarked before,
Anyone convinced would be
That some transcendental lore
Is monopolizing me,
Round the corner I can see
Each is kneeling on her knee!

[Heather – incident 26.10] [recited]

[ Owen – nature]

Heather's Ace

all can be set right with calomel

What time the poet hath hymned
The writhing maid, lithe-limbed,
Quivering on amaranthine asphodel,
How can he paint her woes,
Knowing, as he well knows,
That all can be set right with calomel?

When from the poet’s plinth
The amorous colocynth
Yearns for the aloe, faint with rapturous thrills.
How can he hymn their throes
Knowing, as well he knows,
That they are only uncompounded pills?

Is it, and can it be,
Nature hath this decree,
Nothing poetic in the world shall dwell?
Or that in all her works,
Something poetic lurks,
Even in colocynth and calomel?
I cannot tell.

[Chef Hatchet – nature and incident 12.01]

[Izzy – incident 27.78]

When I first put this uniform on,
I said, as I looked in the glass,
“It’s one to a million
That any civilian
My figure and form will surpass.
Gold lace has a charm for the fair,
And I’ve plenty of that, and to spare,
While a lover’s professions,
When uttered in Hessians,
Are eloquent everywhere!”
A fact I counted upon,
When I first put this uniform on!

I said, when I first put it on,
“It is plain to the veriest dunce
That every beauty
Will feel it her duty
To yield to its glamour at once.
They will see that I’m freely gold-laced
In a uniform handsome and chaste”—
But the peripatetics
Of long-haired aesthetics
Are very much more to their taste—
Which I never counted upon,
When I first put this uniform on!

[Heather – incident 27.69] (recitative)

[ Duncan or Gwen – nature]

Heather broken

This air severe/ Is but a mere/ Veneer

Am I alone,
And unobserved? I am!
Then let me own
I’m an aesthetic sham!

This air severe
Is but a mere

This cynic smile
Is but a wile
Of guile!

This costume chaste
Is but good taste

[Incident 27.69 continued] (recitative – from “Am I alone”, MIDI file 0:57 – 1:38)

Let me confess!
A languid love of lilies does not blight me!
Lank limbs and haggard cheeks do not delight me!
I do not care for dirty greens
By any means.
I do not long for all one sees
That’s Japanese.
I am not fond of uttering platitudes
In stained-glass attitudes.
In short, my mediaevalism’s affectation,
Born of a morbid love of admiration!

[ Harold – incident 27.70] (MIDI file 1:39 – 2:37)

If you’re anxious for to shine
In the high aesthetic line
As a man of culture rare,
You must get up all the germs
Of the transcendental terms,
And plant them everywhere.
You must lie upon the daisies
And discourse in novel phrases
Of your complicated state of mind,
The meaning doesn’t matter
If it’s only idle chatter
Of a transcendental kind.
And everyone will say,
As you walk your mystic way,
“If this young man expresses himself in terms too deep for me,
Why, what a very singularly deep young man this deep young man must be!”

[Gwen – incident 26.11] (verse 2 from “If you’re anxious for to shine”, MIDI file 2:32 – 3:26)

Be eloquent in praise
Of the very dull old days
Which have long since passed away,
And convince ‘em, if you can,
That the reign of good Queen Anne
Was Culture’s palmiest day.
Of course you will pooh-pooh
Whatever’s fresh and new,
And declare it’s crude and mean,
For Art stopped short
In the cultivated court
Of the Empress Josephine.
And everyone will say
As you walk your mystic way,
“If that is not good enough for him which is good enough for me,
Why, what a very cultivated kind of youth this kind of youth must be!”

[Owen/Mr. Coconut – incident 23.48] (verse 3 from “If you’re anxious for to shine”, MIDI file 3:22 – 4:19)

Coconut adrift

If he's content with a vegetable love which would certainly not suit me

Then a sentimental passion
Of a vegetable fashion
Must excite your languid spleen,
An attachment a la Plato
For a bashful young potato
Or a not-too-French French bean!
Though the Philistines may jostle,
You will rank as an apostle
In the high aesthetic band,
If you walk down Piccadilly
With a poppy or a lily
In your mediaeval hand.
And everyone will say,
As you walk your flowery way,
“If he’s content with a vegetable love which would certainly not suit me,
Why, what a most particularly pure young man this pure young man must be!”

[Katie or Sadie]

Long years ago—fourteen, maybe—
When but a tiny babe of four,
Another baby played with me,
My elder by a year or more;
A little child of beauty rare,
With marvelous eyes and wondrous hair,
Who, in my child-eyes, seemed to me
All that a little child should be!

[Sadie – incident 07.01] (no longer performed – verse 2 from “Long years ago”)

Time fled, and one unhappy day—
The first that I had ever known—
They took my little friend away,
And left me weeping all alone!
Ah, how I sobbed, and how I cried,
Then I fell ill and nearly died,
And even now I weep apace
When I recall that baby face!

[Cody/Gwen – incident 01.25]

Prithee Pretty Maiden

Prithee Pretty Maiden

Prithee, pretty maiden (folk rendition featuring a very young Joni Mitchell)


Prithee, pretty maidenprithee, tell me true,
(Hey, but I’m doleful, willow willow waly!)
Have you e’er a lover a-dangling after you?
Hey willow waly O!
I would fain discover
If you have a lover?
Hey willow waly O!


Gentle sir, my heart is frolicsome and free—
(Hey, but he’s doleful, willow willow waly!)
Nobody I care for comes a-courting me—
Hey willow waly O!
Nobody I care for
Comes a-courting—therefore
Hey willow waly O!

Prithee, pretty maiden, will you marry me?
(Hey, but I’m hopeful, willow willow waly!)
I may say, at once, I’m a man of propertee—
Hey willow waly O!
Money, I despise it;
Many people prize it,
Hey willow waly O!

Gentle sir, although to marry I design—
(Hey, but he’s hopeful, willow willow waly!)
As yet I do not know you, and so I must decline.
Hey willow waly O!
To other maidens go you—
As yet I do not know you,
Hey willow waly O!

[ Chris – incident 26.62] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 2:09 – 2:49)

Now tell us, we pray you,
Why thus they array you—
Oh, poet, how say you—
What is it you’ve done?

Of rite sacrificial
By sentence judicial,
This seems the initial,
Then why don’t you run?

[Cody/Gwen – incidents 05.18, 08.08] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 4:34 – 5:15)

Your maiden hearts, ah, do not steel
To pity’s eloquent appeal,
Such conduct British soldiers feel.

To foeman’s steel we rarely see
A British soldier bend the knee,
Yet, one and all, they kneel to ye—

[Chef Hatchet – incident 12.45] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 5:16 – 6:00)

Our soldiers very seldom cry,
And yet—I need not tell you why—
A teardrop dews each martial eye!

[Cody – incidents 08.38, 22.37] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 6:44 – 7:11)

We’ve been thrown over, we’re aware,
But we don’t care—but we don’t care!
There’s fish in the sea, no doubt of it,
As good as ever came out of it,
And some day we shall get our share,
So we don’t care—so we don’t care!

[Gwen – incident 26.48] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 8:57 – 9:25)

[ Bridgette/Geoff – incident 27.75]

If there be pardon in your breast
For this poor penitent,
Who, with remorseful thought oppressed,
Sincerely doth repent;
If you, with one so lowly, still
Desire to be allied,
Then you may take me, if you will,
For I will be your bride!

[Izzy/Owen – incident 20.03] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 9:25 – 9:42)

[Gwen/Trent – incident 26.13]

Oh, shameless one!
Oh, bold-faced thing!
Away you run,
Go take your wing,
You shameless one!
You bold-faced thing!

[Trent – incidents 16.13, 26.49] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 9:42 – 10:11)

How strong is love! For many and many a week
She’s loved me fondly and feared to speak
But Nature, for restraints too mighty far,
Has burst the bonds of Art—and here we are!

[ LeShawna/Harold – incident 13.14] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 10:24 – 11:38)

True love must single-hearted be—
From every selfish fancy free—
No idle thought of gain or joy
A maiden’s fancy should employ
True love must be without alloy.

Imposture to contempt must lead—
Blind vanity’s dissension’s seed—
It follows, then, a maiden who
Devotes herself to loving you
Is prompted by no selfish view.

[Gwen/Trent – incident 26.50] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 12:08 – 13:46)

I hear the soft note of the echoing voice
Of an old, old love, long dead—
It whispers my sorrowing heart “rejoice”—
For the last sad tear is shed—
The pain that is all but a pleasure will change
For the pleasure that’s all but pain,
And never, oh never, this heart will range
From that old, old love again!

[Justin – incident 01.13] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 14:08 – 14:42)

[Trent – incident 26.18]

But who is this, whose god-like grace
Proclaims he comes of noble race?
And who is this, whose manly face
Bears sorrow’s interesting trace?

[Katie/Sadie/Justin – incident 27.38] (ensemble – from Finale Act I, MIDI file 15:32 – 16:44)

[Katie/Sadie] . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [Justin]

Oh, list while we a love confess . . . . . . . . . . . .Again my cursed comeliness
That words imperfectly express. . . . . . . . . . . . Spreads hopeless anguish and distress!
Those shell-like ears, ah, do not close . . . . . . .Thine ears, oh Fortune, do not close
To blighted love’s distracting woes! . . . . . . . . . To my intolerable woes!

[Beth or Sadie] (verse 2 from “Silvered is the raven hair”, MIDI file 2:15 – 3:34)

Fading is the taper waist,
Shapeless grows the shapely limb,
And although severely laced,
Spreading is the figure trim!
Stouter than I used to be,
Still more corpulent grow I—
There will be too much of me
In the coming by and by!

[Justin – incidents 01.18, 26.25]

Turn, oh, turn in this direction,
Shed, oh, shed a gentle smile,
With a glance of sad perfection
Our poor fainting hearts beguile!
On such eyes as maidens cherish
Let thy fond adorers gaze,
Or incontinently perish
In their all-consuming rays!

[ Courtney – nature and incident 01.19] [recited]

Gentle Jane was good as gold,
She always did as she was told;
She never spoke when her mouth was full,
Or caught bluebottles their legs to pull,
Or spilt plum jam on her nice new frock,
Or put white mice in the eight-day clock,
Or vivisected her last new doll,
Or fostered a passion for alcohol.
And when she grew up she was given in marriage
To a first-class earl who keeps his carriage!

[Duncan/Geoff –incident 12.04] [recited]

[Duncan – nature]


a very bad boy

Teasing Tom was a very bad boy,
A great big squirt was his favorite toy;
He put live shrimps in his father’s boots,
And sewed up the sleeves of his Sunday suits;
He punched his poor little sisters’ heads,
And cayenne-peppered their four-post beds,
He plastered their hair with cobbler’s wax,
And dropped hot halfpennies down their backs.
The consequence was that he was lost totally,
And married a girl in the corps de bally!

[Cody – incident 08.11]

A magnet hung in a hardware shop,
And all around was a loving crop
Of scissors and needles, nails and knives,
Offering love for all their lives;
But for iron the magnet felt no whim,
Though he charmed iron, it charmed not him;
From needles and nails and knives he’d turn,
For he’d set his love on a silver Churn!

A Silver Churn?

A Silver Churn!
His most aesthetic,
Very magnetic
Fancy took this turn—
“If I can wheedle
A knife or a needle,
Why not a Silver Churn?”

And Iron and Steel expressed surprise,
The needles opened their well-drilled eyes,
The penknives felt “shut up”, no doubt,
The scissors declared themselves “cut out”,
The kettles they boiled with rage, ‘tis said,
While every nail went off its head,
And hither and thither began to roam,
Till a hammer came up—and drove them home.

It drove them home?

It drove them home!
While this magnetic,
Lover he lived to learn,
By no endeavor
Can magnet ever
Attract a Silver Churn!

[Cody – incident 05.20]

In a doleful train,
One and one I walk all day;
For I love in vain—
None so sorrowful as they
Who can only sigh and say,
Woe is me, alackaday!

[Cody – incident 22.34] (gender roles reversed in TDI)

Love is a plaintive song,
Sung by a suffering maid,
Telling a tale of wrong,
Telling of hope betrayed;
Tuned to each changing note,
Sorry when he is sad,
Blind to his every mote,
Happy when he is glad!
Love that no wrong can cure,
Love that is always new,
That is the love that’s pure,
That is the love that’s true!

Rendering good for ill,
Smiling at every frown,
Yielding your own self-will,
Laughing your teardrops down;
Never a selfish whim,
Trouble, or pain to stir;
Everything for him,
Nothing at all for her!
Love that will aye endure,
Though the rewards be few,
That is the love that’s pure,
That is the love that’s true!

[Gwen/Geoff – incident 21.03]

So go to him and say to him, with compliment ironical—
“Your style is much to sanctified—your cut is too canonical.”
“I was the beau ideal of the morbid young aesthetical
To doubt my inspiration was regarded as heretical
Until you cut me out with your placidity emetical.”

[Duncan/Courtney – incident 12.15] (from “So go to him and say to him”, MIDI file 1:06 – 2:20, gender references reversed in TDI)

[Eva – incident 15.22]

I’ll tell him that unless he will consent to be more jocular—
To cut his curly hair, and stick an eyeglass in his ocular—
To stuff his conversation full of quibble and of quiddity
To dine on chops and roly-poly pudding with avidity—
He’d better clear away with all convenient rapidity!

[Cody – incident 05.01]

It’s clear that mediaeval art alone retains its zest,
To charm and please its devotees we’ve done our little best.
We’re not quite sure if all we do has the Early English ring;
But, as far as we can judge, it’s something like this sort of thing:
You hold youself like this [attitude],
You hold yourself like that [attitude],
By hook and crook you try to look both angular and flat [attitude].
We venture to expect
That what we recollect,
Though but a part of true High Art, will have its due effect.

If this is not exactly right, we hope you won’t upbraid;
You can’t get high Aesthetic tastes, like trousers, ready made.
True views on Mediaevalism Time alone will bring,
But, as far as we can judge, it’s something like this sort of thing.
You hold youself like this [attitude],
You hold yourself like that [attitude],
By hook and crook you try to look both angular and flat [attitude].
To cultivate the trim
Rigidity of limb,
You ought to get a Marionette, and form your style on him [attitude].

[Cody – incident 08.21] (from “If Saphir I choose to marry”, MIDI file 0:18 – 1:02)

In that case unprecedented,
Single I shall live and die—
I shall have to be contented
With their heartfelt sympathy.

[Justin – nature and incident 27.57]

When I go out of door,
Of damosels a score
(All sighing and burning,
And clinging and yearning)
Will follow me as before.
I shall, with cultured taste,
Distinguish gems from paste,
And “High diddle diddle”
Will rank as an idyll,
If I pronounce it chaste!

[Harold – nature and incident 13.15] (from “When I go out of door”, MIDI file 0:17 – 0:25)

A most intense young man,
A soulful-eyed young man,
An ultra-poetical,
Out-of-the-way young man!

[Courtney – incident 12.22] (from “When I go out of door”, MIDI file 0:25 – 0:46)

[Gwen – incident 21.19]

Conceive me, if you can,
An everyday young man:
A commonplace type,
With a stick and a pipe,
And a half-bred black-and-tan;
Who thinks suburban hops
More fun than Monday “Pops”,
Who’s fond of his dinner,
And doesn’t get thinner
On bottled beer and chops.

A commonplace young man,
A matter-of-fact young man,
A steady and stolid-y,
Jolly Bank holiday
Everyday young man!

[Harold – nature and incident 03.05] (from “When I go out of door”, MIDI file 1:01 – 1:08)

[Heather – incident 25.19]

A pallid and thin young man,
A haggard and lank young man,
A greenery-yallery,
Grosvenor Gallery,
Foot-in-the-grave young man!

[Owen/Mr. Coconut – incident 23.21] (from Finale Act II, MIDI file 0:18 – 0:44)

In that case unprecedented,
Single I must live and die—
I will have to be contented
With a tulip or lily!


Verses from Iolanthe

For a brief plot summary, see the “Introduction to Gilbert & Sullivan” section above. Click the links provided for a more detailed plot summary or the Short Attention Span summary.

[ Katie/Sadie – incident 05.11]

Tripping hither, tripping thither,
Nobody knows why or whither;
We must dance and we must sing
Round about our fairy ring.

We are dainty little fairies,
Ever singing ever dancing;
We indulge in our vagaries
In a fashion most entrancing.
If you ask the special function
Of our never-ceasing motion,
We reply without compunction
That we haven’t any notion.

[ Duncan/Bunny II – incident 11.15] (Invocation)

[ Eva/Izzy – incident 15.05]

From thy dark exile thou art summoned!
Come to our call—
Come, Iolanthe!

[ Lindsay/Heather – incident 10.10] (from Invocation, MIDI file 1:18 – 1:40)

With humbled breast
And every hope laid low,
To thy behest,
Offended Queen, I bow.

[Eva – incident 15.06] (from Invocation, MIDI file 1:40 – 2:10)

For a dark sin against our fairy laws
We sent thee into lifelong banishment;
But mercy holds her sway within our hearts—
Rise—thou art pardoned!

[ D.J./Bunny II – incident 11.21] (from Invocation, MIDI file 2:11 – 2:51)

[Eva – incident 15.08] (ironically)

Bridgette & Eva

Welcome to our House again

Welcome to our house again,
Iolanthe! Iolanthe!
We have shared thy bitter pain,
Iolanthe! Iolanthe!

Every heart, and every hand
In our loving little band
Welcomes thee to Fairyland,

[ Tyler/Lindsay – incident 01.28] (Exit of Fairies)

Fare thee well, attractive stranger.
Shouldst thou be in doubt or danger,
Peril or perplexitee,
Call us and we’ll come to thee!

[ Gwen/Duncan – incident 23.29] (from Exit of Fairies, MIDI file 0:31 – 1:03)

[Heather – incident 27.46]

Tripping hither, tripping thither,
Nobody knows why or whither;
We must now be taking wing
To another fairy ring.

[Lindsay/Tyler – incident 05.14]

[ Geoff/Bridgette – incident 27.33]

None shall part us from each other,
One in life and death are we:
All in all to one another—
I to thee and thou to me!

Thou the tree and I the flower—
Thou the idol, I the throng—
Thou the day and I the hour—
Thou the singer; I the song!

All in all since that fond meeting
When in joy, I woke to find
Mine the heart within me beating,
Mine the love that heart enshrined!

Thou the stream and I the willow—
Thou the sculptor, I the clay—
Thou the ocean, I the billow—
Thou the sunrise, I the day!

[Return of the Losers – incident 26.06]

Loudly let the trumpet bray!
Tantantara! Tantantara!
Loudly bang the sounding brasses!
Tzing! Boom!
As upon its lordly way
This unique procession passes,
Tantantara! Tzing! Boom!

[ Chris – incident 01.01]

The Law is the true embodiment
Of everything that’s excellent.
It has no kind of fault or flaw,
And I, my Lords, embody the Law.
The constitutional guardian I
Of pretty young Wards in Chancery,
All very agreeable girls—and none
Are over the age of twenty-one.
A pleasant occupation for
A rather susceptible Chancellor!

[Lindsay – nature and incident 01.22] (from “My well-loved lord”, MIDI file 0:28 – 1:22)

Of all the young ladies I know,
This pretty young lady’s the fairest;
Her lips have the rosiest show,
Her eyes are the richest and rarest.
Her origin’s lowly, it’s true,
But of birth and position I’ve plenty;
I’ve grammar and spelling for two,
And blood and behavior for twenty!

[ Justin – nature and incident 01.16] (from “My well-loved lord”, MIDI file 1:22 – 2:11)

Though the views of the House have diverged
On every conceivable motion,
All questions of party are merged
In a frenzy of love and devotion;
If you ask us distinctly to say
What Party we claim to belong to,
We reply, without doubt or delay,
The Party I’m singing this song to!

[ Ezekiel – incident 02.19] (from “My well-loved lord”, MIDI file 2:12 – 3:32)

I’m very much pained to refuse,
But I’ll stick to my pipes and my tabors;
I can spell all the words that I use,
And my grammar’s as good as my neighbors’.
As for birth—I was born like the rest,
My behavior is rustic but hearty,
And I know where to turn for the best,
When I want a particular Party!

[Duncan/Courtney – incident 12.16] (from “My well-loved lord”, MIDI file 3:32 – 5:02)

Nay, tempt me not.
To rank I’ll not be bound;
In lowly cot
Alone is virtue found!

No, no; indeed high rank will never hurt you,
The Peerage is not destitute of virtue.

Spurn not the nobly born
With love affected,
Nor treat with virtuous scorn
The well-connected.
High rank involves no shame—
We boast an equal claim
With him of humble name
To be respected.

Spare us the bitter pain
Of stern denials,
Nor with low-born disdain
Augment our trials.
Hearts just as pure and fair
May beat in Belgrave Square
As in the lowly air
Of Seven Dials!

[Courtney – incident 12.46] (partial verse from “My well-loved lord”, MIDI file 5:02 – 5:38)

[Heather – incident 25.30]

Blue blood! Blue blood!
Of what avail art thou
To serve us now?
Though dating from the Flood,
Blue blood! Ah, blue blood!

[Gwen/Cody – incident 08.05] (from “My well-loved lord”, MIDI file 5:39 – 6:02)

My Lords, it may not be.
With grief my heart is riven!
You waste your time on me,
For ah! My heart is given!

[Cody – incident 08.39] (from “My well-loved lord”, MIDI file 7:01 – 8:31)

‘Neath this blow,
Worse than stab of dagger—
Though we mo-
Mentarily stagger,
In each heart
Proud are we innately—
Let’s depart,
Dignified and stately!

Though our hearts she’s badly bruising,
In another suitor choosing,
Let’s pretend it’s most amusing.

[Gwen – incident 16.70]

When I went to the Bar as a very young man,
(Said I to myself, said I),
I’ll work on a new and original plan,
(Said I to myself, said I).
I’ll never assume that a rogue or a thief
Is a gentleman worthy implicit belief,
Because his attorney has sent me a brief,
(Said I to myself, said I).

[ Chef Hatchet – incident 24.15] (verse 2 from “When I went to the Bar”, MIDI file 0:28 – 1:00)

Ere I go into court I will read my brief through
(Said I to myself, said I),
And I’ll never take work I’m unable to do
(Said I to myself, said I).
My learned profession I’ll never disgrace
By taking a fee with a grin on my face,
When I haven’t been there to attend to the case
(Said I to myself, said I).

[Courtney/losers – incident 22.19] (verse 3 from “When I went to the Bar”, MIDI file 0:55 – 1:28)

I’ll never throw dust in a juryman’s eyes
(Said I to myself, said I),
Or hoodwink a judge who is not over-wise
(Said I to myself, said I).
Or assume that the witnesses summoned in force
In Exchequer, Queen’s Bench, Common Pleas, or Divorce,
Have perjured themselves as a matter of course
(Said I to myself, said I).

[Courtney – incident 12.07] (verse 4 from “When I went to the Bar”, MIDI file 1:23 – 1:56)

In other professions in which men engage
(Said I to myself, said I),
The Army, the Navy, the Church and the Stage
(Said I to myself, said I),
Professional license, if carried too far,
Your chance of promotion will certainly mar—
And I fancy the rule might apply to the Bar
(Said I to myself, said I).

[anonymous love poem – incident 13.03] (Finale Act I)

[Lindsay’s note to Gwen – incident 16.22]

When darkly looms the day,
And all is dull and gray,
To chase the gloom away
On thee I’ll call!

[Incident 13.03 continued]

[Heather/Trent – incident 16.51] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 0:38 – 0:56)

I think I heard him say,
That on a rainy day,
To while the time away,
On her he’d call.

[Incident 13.03 continued]

[Trent/Gwen – incident 16.10] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 0:57 – 1:12)

[triathlon teams – incident 21.16]

When tempests wreck thy bark,
And all is drear and dark,
If thou shouldst need an Ark,
I’ll give thee one!

[Heather/Trent – incident 16.27] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 1:13 – 1:31)

[Izzy/Owen – incident 19.06]

I heard the minx remark,
She’d meet him after dark,
Inside St. James’ Park
And give him one!

[ LeShawna/Gwen – incidents 16.52, 17.06, 17.08] (ensemble from Finale Act I, MIDI file 1:32 – 1:57)

[Incidents 16.52, 17.06] . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [Incident 17.08]

The prospect’s very bad, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The prospect’s not so bad,
My heart so sore and sad . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Thy heart so sore and sad
Will never more be glad . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . May very soon be glad
As summer’s sun. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .As summer’s sun.
For when the sky is dark . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . For when the sky is dark
And tempests wreck his bark, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . And tempests wreck thy bark,
If he should need an ark, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . If thou shouldst need an ark,
She’ll give him one. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .I’ll give thee one.

[Gwen/Trent – incident 26.14] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 1:58 – 2:26)

Oh, shameless one, tremble!
Nay, do not endeavor
Thy fault to dissemble,
We part—and forever!
I worshipped him blindly,
He worships another—

Attend to me kindly,
This lady’s my mother!

[LeShawna/Chris/Chef Hatchet – incident 14.02] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 2:27 – 2:45)

[Duncan – incident 20.15]

[Gwen/Trent/LeShawna – incident 27.52]

What means this mirth unseemly,
That shakes the listening earth?

The joke is good extremely,
And justifies our mirth.

[Trent/Izzy – incident 22.23] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 2:46 – 3:17)

Izzy unmoved

And be careful what you say

This gentleman is seen,
With a maid of seventeen
A-taking of his dolce far niente;
And wonders he’d achieve,
For he asks us to believe
She’s his mother—and he’s nearly five-and-twenty.

Recollect yourself, I pray,
And be careful what you say—
As the ancient Romans said, festina lente.
For I really do not see
How so young a girl could be
The mother of a man of five-and-twenty.

[Katie/Sadie – incident 01.12] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 6:30 – 6:57; gender roles reversed in TDI)

To you I give my heart so rich!

To which?

I do not care!
To you I yield—it is my doom!

To whom?

I’m not aware!
I’m yours for life, if you but choose.

She’s whose?

That’s your affair!
I’ll be a countess, shall I not?

Of what?

I do not care!

[Gwen/Owen – incident 25.23] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 7:22 – 8:16; gender roles reversed in TDI)]

Can I inactive see my fortunes fade?
No, no!
Mighty protectress, hasten to my aid!

Tripping hither, tripping thither,
Nobody knows why or wither;
Why you want us we don’t know,
But you summoned us, and so
Enter all the little fairies
To their usual tripping measure!
To oblige you all our care is—
Tell us, pray, what is your pleasure?

[Trent – incident 26.29] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 8:17 – 8:42)

The lady of my love has caught me talking to another—

Oh, fie! Our Strephon is a rogue!

I tell her very plainly that the lady is my mother—

Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!

She won’t believe my statement and declares we must be parted,
Because on a career of double-dealing I have started,
Then gives her hand to one of these and leaves me broken-hearted—

Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!

[Tyler/Heather – incident 04.16] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 10:06 – 10:21)

[Chris/Courtney – incident 27.64]

Go away, madam;
I should say, madam,
You display, madam,
Shocking taste.

It is rude, madam,
To intrude, madam,
With your brood, madam,

You come here, madam,
Interfere, madam,
With a peer, madam,
(I am one.)

You’re aware, madam,
What you dare, madam,
So take care, madam,
And be gone!

[Courtney – incident 27.85] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 10:21 – 10:37)

Let us stay, madam;
We should say, madam,
They display, madam,
Shocking taste.

It is rude, madam,
To allude, madam,
To your brood, madam,

We don’t fear, madam,
Any peer, madam,
(Though my dear, madam,
This is one.)

They will stare, madam,
When aware, madam,
What they dare, madam,
What they’ve done!

[Heather – incidents 11.05, 25.41] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 10:38 – 11:01)

[Courtney – incidents 12.49, 27.66]

Bearded by these puny mortals!
I shall launch from fairy portals
All the most terrific thunders
In my armory of wonders!

Should they launch terrific thunders,
All would then repent their blunders.

[Heather/Leshawna – incident 02.04] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 11:41 – 12:14)

[Heather/Tyler – incident 04.17]

[LeShawna/Chris – incident 21.27]

Oh! Chancellor unwary,
It’s highly necessary
Your tongue to teach
Respectful speech—
Your attitude to vary!
Your badinage so airy,
Your manner arbitrary,
Are out of place
When face to face
With an influential Fairy.

[Incident 02.04 continued] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 12:14 – 12:45)

A plague on this vagary,
I’m in a nice quandary!
Of hasty tone
With dames unknown
I ought to be more chary;
It seems that she’s a fairy
From Andersen’s library,
And I took her for
The proprietor
Of a Ladies’ Seminary!

[Heather – incident 06.01] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 12:46 – 13:20)

When next your Houses do assemble,
You may tremble!

Our wrath, when gentlemen offend us,
Is tremendous!
They meet, who underrate our calling,
Doom appalling!

[Geoff – incidents 10.01, 14.12] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 13:33 – 13:45)

Henceforth, Strephon, cast away
Crooks and pipes and ribbons so gay—
Flocks and herds that bleat and low;
Into Parliament you shall go!

[ Beth/Lindsay – nature and incident 05.07] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 13:45 – 14:08)

Into Parliament he shall go!
Backed by our supreme authority,
He’ll command a large majority!
Into Parliament he shall go!

[Geoff – incident 20.06] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 14:08 – 14:20)

In the Parliamentary hive,
Liberal or Conservative
Whig or Tory—I don’t know—
But into Parliament you shall go!

[Chris – incident 22.40] [spoken through music]

Every bill and every measure
That may gratify his pleasure,
Though your fury it arouses,
Shall be passed by both your Houses!

[Gwen – incident 25.16] [spoken through music]

Titles shall ennoble, then,
All the Common Councilmen!

Peers shall teem in Christendom,
And a Duke’s exalted station
Be attainable by Com-
Petitive Examination!

[Heather – incident 20.11] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 15:10 – 15:20)

[Heather/Owen – incident 21.15]

[spectators – incident 26.27]

Their horror
They can’t dissemble
Nor hide the fear
That makes them tremble!

[Heather/Gwen – incident 25.06] (ensemble from Finale Act I, MIDI file 15:21 – 17:07)

[Heather] . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .[Gwen]

Young Strephon is the kind of lout . . . . . . . .With Strephon as your foe, no doubt,
We do not care a fig about! . . . . . . . . . . . . .A fearful prospect opens out,
We cannot say . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . And who shall say
What evils may . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What evils may
Result in consequence. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Result in consequence?

But lordly vengeance will pursue . . . . . . . . . A hideous vengeance will pursue
All kinds of common people who . . . . . . . . .All noblemen who venture to
Oppose our views . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Oppose his views
Or boldly choose . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Or boldly choose
To offer us offense. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . To offer him offense.

He’d better fly at humbler game, . . . . . . . . .‘Twill plunge them into grief and shame;
Or our forbearance he must claim, . . . . . . . His kind forbearance they must claim
If he’d escape . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .If they’d escape
In any shape . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .In any shape
A very painful wrench! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A very painful wrench.

Your powers we dauntlessly pooh-pooh: . . . Although our powers you now pooh-pooh,
A dire revenge will fall on you . . . . . . . . . . . A dire revenge will fall on you,
If you besiege . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Should he besiege
Our high prestige— . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Your high prestige
(The word “prestige” is French.) . . . . . . . . . (The word “prestige” is French.)

Our lordly style
You shall not quench
With base canaille!

(That word is French.)

Distinction ebbs
Before a herd
Of vulgar plebs.

(A Latin word.)

‘Twould fill with joy
And madness stark
The hoi polloi!

{A Greek remark.)

One Latin word, one Greek remark,
And one that’s French.

Your lordly style
We’ll quickly quench
With base canaille!

(That word is French.)

Distinction ebbs
Before a herd
Of vulgar plebs.

(A Latin word.)

‘Twill fill with joy
And madness stark
The hoi polloi!

(A Greek remark.)

One Latin word, one Greek remark,
And one that’s French.

[Heather – incident 25.13] . . . . . . . . . . . . . [Courtney – incident 27.74]

(ensemble from Finale Act I, MIDI file 17:07 – 17:56)

You needn’t wait: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . We will not wait:
Away you fly! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . We go sky-high!
Your threatened hate . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Our threatened hate
We thus defy! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .You won’t defy!

[Beth/Lindsay – nature and incident 05.08] (verse 2 from “When all night long a chap remains”)

When in that House M.P.s divide,
If they’ve a brain and cerebellum, too,
They’ve got to leave that brain outside,
And vote just as their leaders tell ‘em to.
But then, the prospect of a lot
Of dull M.P.s in close proximity,
All thinking for themselves, is what
No man can face with equanimity.

[Heather, unloved but uncontested team leader – nature and incident 05.34] (verse 2)

Strephon’s a Member of Parliament!
Running a-muck of all abuses.
His unqualified assent
Somehow nobody now refuses.
Whigs and Tories
Dim their glories,
Giving an ear to all his stories
Carrying every bill he may wish;
Here’s a pretty kettle of fish!

[Owen – incident 27.01]

When Britain really ruled the waves
(In good Queen Bess’ time)
The House of Peers made no pretense
To intellectual eminence,
Or scholarship sublime;
Yet Britain won her proudest bays
In good Queen Bess’ glorious days!

[ Noah – incident 04.08] (verses 2&3 from “When Britain really ruled the waves”)

When Wellington thrashed Bonaparte,
As every child can tell,
The House of Peers, throughout the war,
Did nothing in particular,
And did it very well:
Yet Britain set the world ablaze
In good King George’s glorious days!

And while the House of Peers withholds
Its legislative hand,
And noble statesmen do not itch
To interfere with matters which
They do not understand,
As bright will shine Great Britain’s rays
As in King George’s glorious days!

[Gwen/Trent – incident 26.21]

In vain to us you plead
Don’t go!
Your prayers we do not heed—
Don’t go!
It’s true we sigh,
But don’t suppose
A tearful eye
Forgiveness shows.
Oh, no!
We’re very cross indeed—
Don’t go!

[Gwen – incidents 16.03, 26.19]

Oh, foolish fay,
Think you, because
His brave array
My bosom thaws,
I’d disobey
Our fairy laws?
Because I fly
In realms above,
In tendency
To fall in love
Resemble I
The amorous dove?
O, amorous dove!
Type of Ovidius Naso!
This heart of mine
Is soft as thine,
Although I dare not say so!

On fire that glows
With heat intense
I turn the hose
Of common sense,
And out it goes
At small expense.
We must maintain
Our fairy law;
That is the main
On which to draw—
In that we gain
A Captain Shaw!
Oh, Captain Shaw!
Type of true love kept under!
Could thy brigade
With cold cascade
Quench my great love, I wonder!

[Katie/Sadie (with Justin in absentia) – incident 27.80]

Though p’r’aps I may incur your blame,
The things are few
I would not do
In Friendship’s name!

And I may say I think the same;
Not even love
Should rank above
True Friendship’s name!

Then free me pray; be mine the blame;
Forget your craze
And go your ways
In Friendship’s name!

Oh, many a man, in Friendship’s name,
Has yielded fortune, rank, and fame!
But no one yet, in the world so wide,
Has yielded up a promised bride!

Accept, O Friendship, all the same,
This sacrifice to thy dear name!

[Killer Bass – incident 06.07] (“The Nightmare Song”, MIDI file 0:42 – 1:44)

Sleepless Bass

Repose is tabooed by anxiety

Iolanthe - The Nightmare Song

Iolanthe - The Nightmare Song

The Nightmare Song (with opening recitative

When you’re lying awake
With a dismal headache,
And repose is tabooed by anxiety,
I conceive you may use
Any language you choose
To indulge in, without impropriety;
For your brain is on fire—
The bedclothes conspire
Of usual slumber to plunder you:
First the counterpane goes,
And uncovers your toes,
And your sheet slips demurely from under you;
Then the blanketing tickles—
You feel like mixed pickles—
So terribly sharp is the pricking,
And you’re hot, and you’re cross,
And you tumble and toss
Till there’s nothing twixt you and the ticking.
Then the bedclothes all creep
To the ground in a heap,
And you pick ‘em all up in a tangle;
Next your pillow resigns
And politely declines
To remain at its usual angle!
Well, you get some repose
In the form of a doze,
With hot eyeballs and head ever aching,
But your slumbering teems
With such horrible dreams
That you’d very much better be waking;

[Owen – incident 21.01] (from The Nightmare Song, MIDI file 1:44 – 3:24)

For you dream you are crossing
The Channel, and tossing
About on a steamer from Harwich—
Which is something between
A large bathing machine
And a very small second-class carriage—
And you’re give a treat
(Penny ice and cold meat)
To a party of friends and relations—
They’re a ravenous horde—
And they all came on board
At Sloane Square and South Kensington stations.
And bound on that journey
You find your attorney
(Who started that morning from Devon);
He’s a bit undersized,
And you don’t feel surprised
When he tells you he’s only eleven.
Well, you’re driving like mad
With this singular lad
(By the by, the ship’s now a four-wheeler),
And you’re playing round games,
And he calls you bad names
When you tell him that “ties pay the dealer”;
But this you can’t stand,
So you throw up your hand,
And you find you’re as cold as an icicle,
In your shirt and your socks
(The black silk with gold clocks),
Crossing Salisbury Plain on a bicycle:

And he and the crew
Are on bicycles, too—
Which they’ve somehow or other invested in—
And he’s telling the tars
All the particulars
Of a company he’s interested in—
It’s a scheme of devices,
To get at low prices
All goods from cough mixtures to cables
(Which tickled the sailors)
By treating retailers
As though they were all vegetables—
You get a good spadesman
To plant a small tradesman
(First take off his boots with a boot tree),
And his legs will take root,
And his fingers will shoot,
And they’ll blossom and bud like a fruit tree—
From the greengrocer tree
You get grapes and green pea,
Cauliflower, pineapple, and cranberries,
While the pastrycook plant
Cherry brandy will grant,
Apple puffs, and three-corners, and Banburys—
The shares are a penny,
And ever so many
Are taken by Rothschild and Baring,
And just as a few
Are allotted to you,
You awake with a shudder despairing—

[Screaming Gophers – incident 06.08] (from The Nightmare Song, MIDI file 3:24 – 4:08)

You’re a regular wreck,
With a crick in your neck,
And no wonder you snore,
For your head’s on the floor,
And you’ve needles and pins
From your soles to your shins,
And your flesh is a-creep,
For your left leg’s asleep,
And you’ve cramp in your toes,
And a fly on your nose,
And some fluff in your lung,
And a feverish tongue,
And a thirst that’s intense,
And a general sense
That you haven’t been sleeping in clover;
But the darkness is past,
And it’s daylight at last,
And the night has been long—
Ditto ditto my song—
And thank goodness they’re both of them over!

[Cody/Trent – incident 08.28]

[Trent/Gwen – incident 26.65]

Iolanthe - If You Go In, Act II, Men's Trio

Iolanthe - If You Go In, Act II, Men's Trio

Where a will is, there's a way

If you go in,
You’re sure to win—
Yours will be the charming maidie;
Be your law
The ancient saw—
“Faint heart never won fair lady!”

Every journey has an end—
When at the worst, affairs will mend—
Dark the dawn when day is nigh—
Hustle your horse and don’t say die!

He who shies
At such a prize
Is not worth a maravedi,
Be so kind
To bear in mind—
Faint heart never won fair lady!

While the sun shines, make your hay—
Where a will is, there’s a way—
Beard the lion in his lair—
None but the brave deserve the fair!

I’ll take heart,
And make a start—
Though I fear the prospect’s shady—
Much I’d spend
To gain my end—
Faint heart never won fair lady!

Nothing venture, nothing win—
Blood is thick, but water’s thin—
In for a penny, in for a pound—
It’s love that makes the world go round!

[Heather – incident 05.05] (recitative – no longer performed)

My bill has now been read a second time:
His ready vote no member now refuses;
In verity I wield a power sublime,
And one that I can turn to mighty uses!
What joy to carry, in the very teeth
Of ministry, cross-bench and opposition,
Some rather urgent measures quite beneath
The ken of Patriot and Politician!

[Gwen – incident 02.22] (no longer performed – MIDI file 0:45 – 1:20)

Fold your flapping wings,
Soaring legislature!
Stoop to little things,
Stoop to human nature!
Never need to roam,
Members patriotic,
Let’s begin at home—
Crime is no exotic!
Bitter is your bane,
Terrible your trials,
Dingy Drury Lane!
Soapless Seven Dials!

[Heather – incident 20.18] (no longer performed – verse 2 from “Fold your flapping wings”, MIDI file 1:21 – 2:03)

Drugged Heather

Gathered from the gutter

Take a tipsy lout
Gathered from the gutter—
Hustle him about—
Strap him to a shutter:
What am I but he,
Washed at hours stated—
Fed on filigree—
Clothed and educated?
He’s a mark of scorn—
I might be another,
If I had been born
Of a tipsy mother!

[Gwen – incident 24.36] (no longer performed – verse 3 from “Fold your flapping wings”, MIDI file 2:03 – 2:54)

[Duncan - nature]

Take a wretched thief
Through the city sneaking,
Pocket handkerchief
Ever, ever seeking:
What is he but I
Robbed of all my chances—
Picking pockets by
Force of circumstances?
I might be as bad—
As unlucky, rather—
If I’d only had
Fagin for a father!

[Trent/Gwen – incident 26.55]

If we’re weak enough to tarry
Ere we marry,
You and I,
Of the feelings I inspire
You may tire
By and by,
For peers with flowing coffers
Press their offers—
That is why
I am sure we should not tarry
Ere we marry,
You and I!

If we’re weak enough to tarry
Ere we marry,
You and I,
With a more attractive maiden,
You may fly.
If by chance we should be parted,
I should die—
So I think we will not tarry
Ere we marry,
You and I.

[Cody/Trent – incident 08.25] (recitative)

[Duncan/Chef Hatchet – incident 24.12]

My lord, a suppliant at your feet I kneel,
Oh, listen to a mother’s fond appeal!
Hear me tonight! I come in urgent need—
‘Tis for my son, young Strephon, that I plead!

[Geoff – incident 18.04] (MIDI file 0:35 – 1:53)

[Owen – incident 21.30]

18-04 Geoff sketching

Sad thoughts of her arise

He loves! If in the bygone years
Thine eyes have ever shed
Tears—bitter, unavailing tears,
For one untimely dead—
If, in the eventide of life,
Sad thoughts of her arise,
Then let the memory of thy wife
Plead for my boy—he dies!

Owen and head

Memorials of thy long-dead bride

He dies! If fondly laid aside
In some old cabinet,
Memorials of thy long-dead bride
Lie, dearly treasured yet,
Then, let her hallowed bridal dress—
Her little dainty gloves—
Her withered flower—her faded tress—
Plead for my boy—he loves!

[Heather – incident 25.33] (from “It may not be”, MIDI file 3:23 – 4:22)

Once again thy vows are broken:
Thou thyself thy doom has spoken!
Bow thy head to Destiny:
Death thy doom, and thou shalt die!

[Cody/Gwen/Trent – incident 08.40] (from Finale, MIDI file 0:29 – 0:56)

[Gwen/Trent/Heather – incident 16.80]

Though as a general rule we know
Two strings go to every bow,
Make up your minds that grief ‘twill bring,
If you’ve two beaux to every string.

[Katie/Sadie – incident 11.27] (from Finale, MIDI file 0:56 – 1:24)

Up in the sky,
Ever so high
Pleasures come in endless series;
We will arrange
Happy exchange:
House of Peers for house of Peris.


Verses from Princess Ida

For a brief plot summary, see the “Introduction to Gilbert & Sullivan” section above. Click the links provided for a more detailed plot summary or the Short Attention Span summary.

[ Eva – incident 15.07]

Search throughout the panorama
For a sign of royal Gama,
Who today should cross the water
With his fascinating daughter—
Ida is her name.

[ Harold/LeShawna – incident 27.09] (from Opening, MIDI file 1:23 – 1:49)

Will Prince Hilarion’s hopes be sadly blighted?
Will Ida break the vows that she has plighted?
Will she back out, and say she did not mean them?
If so, there’ll be the deuce to pay between them!

[ Heather/Bridgette – incident 14.05]



Heather forces Bridgette to take sides

Now hearken to my strict command
On every hand, on every hand—

To your command,
On every hand,
We dutifully bow!

If Gama bring the Princess here,
Give him good cheer, give him good cheer,

If she come here,
Will give him a cheer,
And we will show you how!
We’ll shout and sing
“Long live the King”,
And his daughter, too, I trow!
Then shout ha! Ha! Hip, hip hurrah!
For the fair Princess and her good papa!

[Heather/Bridgette – incident 14.10] (verse 2 from “Now hearken to my strict command”, MIDI file 0:53 – 1:52)

But if he fail to keep his troth,
Upon our oath, we’ll trounce them both!

He’ll trounce them both
Upon his oath,
As sure as a quarter-day!

We’ll shut him up in a dungeon cell,
And toll his knell on a funeral bell.

From his dungeon cell,
His funeral knell
Shall strike him with dismay!
As up we string
The faithless King
In the old familiar way!
We’ll shout ha! Ha! Hip, hip, hurrah!
As we make an end of her false papa!

[Screaming Gophers – incident 07.02]

From the distant panorama
Come the sons of royal Gama
They are heralds evidently
And are sacred consequently,
Sons of Gama, hail! Oh, hail!

[ Duncan/Geoff/Owen – incident 18.03] (MIDI file 0:57 – 1:45)

We are warriors three,
Sons of Gama Rex.
Like most sons are we,
Masculine in sex.

[ Beth/Lindsay ] (verse 2 from “We are warriors three”, MIDI file 1:46 – 2:21)

Politics we bar,
They are not our bent;
On the whole, we are
Not intelligent.

[ EPKWACAAH – incident 19.03] (verse 3 from “We are warriors three”, MIDI file 2:22 – 2:57)

But with doughty heart,
And with trusty blade,
We can play our part—
Fighting is our trade.

[Hunters – incident 09.02] (MIDI file 2:58 – 3:49)

[Owen – nature and incident 15.15]

[ Courtney – incident 27.25]

Darth Moll redux

For a war we burn

Bold, and fierce, and strong, ha, ha!
For a war we burn,
With its right or wrong, ha, ha!
We have no concern.
Order comes to fight, ha, ha!
Order is obeyed,
We are men of might, ha, ha!
Fighting is our trade!

[ Noah ]

If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am;
I’m a genuine philanthropist—all other kinds are sham.
Each little fault of temper and each social defect
In my erring fellow creatures I endeavor to correct.
To all their little weaknesses I open people’s eyes;
And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise;
I love my fellow-creatures—I do all the good I can—
Yet everybody says I’m such a disagreeable man!
And I can’t think why!

To compliments inflated I’ve a withering reply;
And vanity I always do my best to mortify;
A charitable action I can skillfully dissect;
And interested motives I’m delighted to detect;
I know everybody’s income and what everybody earns;
And I carefully compare it with the income tax returns;
But to benefit humanity however much I plan,
Yet everybody says I’m such a disagreeable man!
And I can’t think why!

I’m sure I’m no ascetic; I’m as pleasant as can be;
You’ll always find me ready with a crushing repartee,
I’ve an irritating chuckle, I’ve a celebrated sneer,
I’ve an entertaining snigger, I’ve a fascinating leer.
To everybody’s prejudice I know a thing or two;
I can tell a woman’s age in half a minute—and I do.
But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can,
Yet everybody says I am a disagreeable man!
And I can’t think why!

{Gilbert openly admitted that he was describing his own reputation in this song}

[ D.J./Geoff – incident 08.14] (Finale Act I)

P’r’aps if you address the lady
Most politely, most politely—
Flatter and impress the lady,
Most politely, most politely—
Humbly beg and humbly sue—
She may deign to look on you,
But your doing you must do
Most politely, most politely!

[Duncan/Noah – incident 27.50] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 0:39 – 1:16)

Go you, and inform the lady,
Most politely, most politely,
If she don’t, we’ll storm the lady,
Most politely, most politely!
[To Gama] You’ll remain as hostage here;
Should Hilarion disappear,
We will hang you, never fear,
Most politely, most politely!

[ Cody/Trent – incident 08.29] (with opening recitative – from Finale Act I, MIDI file 1:17 – 4:14)

Come, Cyril, Florian, our course is plain,
Tomorrow morn fair Ida we’ll engage;
But we will use no force her love to gain,
Nature has armed us for the war we wage!

Expressive glances
Shall be our lances
And pops of Sillery
Our light artillery.
We’ll storm their bowers
With scented showers
Of fairest flowers
That we can buy!

Oh, dainty triolet!
Oh, fragrant violet!
Oh, gentle heigho-let
(Or little sigh).
On sweet urbanity,
Though mere inanity,
To touch their vanity
We will rely!

When day is fading,
With serenading
And such frivolity
We’ll prove our quality.
A sweet profusion
Of soft allusion
This bold intrusion
Shall justify.

Oh, dainty triolet, etc.

We’ll charm their senses
With verbal fences,
With ballads amatory
And declamatory.
Little heeding
Their pretty pleading,
Our love exceeding
We’ll justify!

Oh, dainty triolet, etc.

[Duncan – incident 12.09] (recitative – from Finale Act I, MIDI file 4:15 – 4:31)

‘Till then, must we in prison cell be thrust?

You must!

This seems unnecessarily severe!

Hear, hear!

[Incident 12.09 continued]

[Owen – incident 23.19] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 4:32 – 5:01)

For a month to dwell
In a dungeon cell;
Growing thin and wizen
In a solitary prison,
Is a poor look-out
For a soldier stout
Who is longing for the rattle
Of a complicated battle—
For the rum-tum-tum
Of the military drum
And the guns that go Boom! Boom!

[Trent/Gwen – incident 26.45] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 5:02 – 6:17)

When Hilarion’s bride
Has at length complied
With the just conditions
Of our requisitions,
You may go in haste
And indulge your taste
For the fascinating rattle
Of a complicated battle—
For the rum-tum-tum
Of the military drum
And the guns that go Boom! Boom!

But till that time you’ll here remain,
And bail we will not entertain,
Should she our mandate disobey,
Your lives the penalty will pay!

[Beth – incident 03.14] (Opening Act II)

Towards the empyrean heights
Of every kind of lore,
We’ve taken several easy flights,
And mean to take some more.
In trying to achieve success,
No envy wracks our heart,
And all the knowledge we possess,
We mutually impart.

[Noah – nature and incident 04.09] (from Opening Act II, MIDI file 1:00 – 1:43)

Pray, what authors should she read,
Who in Classics would succeed?

If you’d climb the Helicon,
You should read Anacreon,
Ovid’s Metamorphoses,
Likewise Aristophanes,
And the works of Juvenal:
These are worth attention, all;
But, if you will be advised,
You will get them bowdlerized!

[Gwen – incident 26.02] (from Opening Act II, MIDI file 1:01 – 2:23)

Pray you, tell us, if you can,
What’s the thing that’s known as Man?

Man will swear and man will storm—
Man is not at all good form—
Man is of no kind of use—
Man’s a donkey—Man’s a goose—
Man is coarse and Man is plain—
Man is more or less insane—
Man’s a ribald—Man’s a rake
Man is Nature’s sole mistake!

We’ll a memorandum make;
Man is Nature’s sole mistake!

[Heather/Beth/Lindsay – incident 03.11] (2 MIDI files)

Mighty maiden with a mission,
Paragon of common sense,
Running fount of erudition,
Miracle of eloquence,
We are blind, and we would see;
We are bound, and would be free;
We are dumb, and we would talk;
We are lame, and we would walk.

Oh, goddess wise
That lovest light
Endow with sight
Their unillumined eyes

At this my call,
A fervent few
Have come to woo
The rays that from thee fall.

Let fervent words and fervent thoughts be mine,
That I may lead them to thy sacred shrine!

[Harold – nature and incident 27.15]

And thus to empyrean height
Of every kind of lore
In search of wisdom’s pure delight,
Ambitiously we soar.
In trying to achieve success
No envy racks our heart,
For all we know and all we guess,
We mutually impart!

[Heather – incident 25.11]

Come, mighty Must!
Inevitable Shall!
In thee I trust.
Time weaves my coronal!
Go, mocking Is!
Go, disappointing Was!
That I am this
Ye are the cursed cause!
Yet humble second shall be first,
I ween;
And dead and buried be the curst
Has Been!

Oh, weak Might Be!
Oh, May, Might, Could, Would, Should!
How powerless ye
For evil or for good!
In every sense
Your moods I cheerless call,
Whate’er your tense
Ye are Imperfect all!
Ye have deceived the trust I’ve shown
In ye!
Away! The mighty Must alone
Shall be!

[Courtney – incident 27.65]

Gently, gently,
We are safe so far,
After scaling
Fence and paling,
Here, at last, we are!

In this college
Useful knowledge
Everywhere one finds,
And already,
Growing steady,
We’ve enlarged our minds.

We’ve learnt that prickly cactus
Has the power to attract us
When we fall!
That nothing man unsettles
Like a bed of stinging nettles
Short or tall!
That bulldogs feed on throttles
That we don’t like broken bottles
On a wall!
That spring guns breathe defiance,
And that burglary’s a science
After all!

[Heather/boys – incident 24.23] (partial verse from “Gently, gently”, MIDI file 2:41 – 2:56; earnestly in TDI)

And weasels at their slumbers
They trepan—they trepan;
To get sunbeams from cucumbers
They’ve a plan—they’ve a plan.
They’ve a firmly rooted notion
They can cross the Polar Ocean,
And they’ll find Perpetual Motion,
If they can—if they can.

[Girls – incident 13.02] (from “Gently, gently”, MIDI file 2:57 – 3:16)

These are the phenomena
That every pretty domina
Is hoping we shall see
At her Universitee.

[Lindsay/Heather – incident 03.15] (partial verse – from “Gently, gently”, MIDI file 3:32 – 3:48)

Each newly joined aspirant
To the clan—to the clan
Must repudiate the tyrant
Known as Man—known as Man.
They mock at him and flout him,
For they do not care about him,
And they’re “going to do without him”
If they can—if they can!

[original “Haute Camp-ture” synopsis – incident 22.43]

[Heather/Lindsay/Beth - nature]

I am a maiden (Princess Ida trio)

I am a maiden (Princess Ida trio)

Dressed in heels and wigs and forced to strut their stuff

I am a maiden, cold and stately,
Heartless I, with a face divine.
What do I want with a heart, innately?
Every heart I meet is mine!

Haughty, humble, coy or free,
Little care I what maid may be.
So that a maid is fair to see,
Every maid is the maid for me!

I am a maiden frank and simple,
Brimming with joyous roguery;
Merriment lurks in every dimple,
Nobody breaks more hearts than I!

Haughty, humble, coy or free, etc.

I am a maiden coyly blushing,
Timid am I as a startled hind;
Every suitor sends me flushing:
I am the maid that wins mankind!

Haughty, humble, coy or free, etc.

[hooked-up boys] (refrain from “I am a maiden, cold and stately”, MIDI file 1:52 – 2:29)

Haughty, humble, coy or free,
Little care I what maid may be.
So that a maid is fair to see,
Every maid is the maid for me!

[Heather – incidents 16.24, 26.64]

The world is but a broken toy,
Its pleasure hollow—false its joy,
Unreal its loveliest hue,
Its pains alone are true.
Its pains alone are true.

The world is everything you say,
The world, we think, has had its day.
Its merriment is slow,
We’ve tried it, and we know.
We’ve tried it and we know.

[Gwen/Cody – incident 05.19]

Gwen & Cody

Expressed such terror at his monstrous error

A Lady fair, of lineage high,
Was loved by an Ape, in the days gone by,
The Maid was radiant as the sun,
The Ape was a most unsightly one—
So it would not do—
His scheme fell through,
For the Maid, when his love took formal shape,
Expressed such terror
At his monstrous error,
That he stammered an apology and made his ‘scape,
The picture of a disconcerted Ape.

{and yes, this is being a bit hard on poor Cody}

[Geoff – incident 08.12] (verse 2 from “A Lady fair, of lineage high”, MIDI file 0:43 – 1:30)

With a view to rise in the social scale,
He shaved his bristles, and he docked his tail,
He grew mustachios, and he took his tub,
And he paid a guinea to a toilet club
But it would not do—
The scheme fell through,
For the Maid was Beauty’s fairest Queen,
With golden tresses,
Like a real princess’s,
While the Ape, despite his razor keen,
Was the apiest Ape that ever was seen!

[ Sasquatchanakwa – incident 15.24] (verse 3 from “A Lady fair, of lineage high”, MIDI file 1:26 – 2:31)


He christened himself Darwinian Man!

He bought white ties, and he bought dress suits,
He crammed his feet into bright tight boots—
And to start in life on a brand-new plan,
He christened himself Darwinian Man!
But it would not do,
The scheme fell through—
For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey craved,
Was a radiant being,
With a brain far-seeing—
While a Darwinian Man, though well-behaved,
At best is only a monkey shaved!

[Lindsay – incident 17.31]

The woman of the wisest wit
May sometimes be mistaken, O!
In Ida’s views, I must admit,
My faith is somewhat shaken, O!

[ Ezekiel – incident 02.13] (from “The woman of the wisest wit”, MIDI file 0:19 – 0:35, gender roles reversed in TDI)

[Lindsay – incident 03.17] (gender roles as in original)

On every other point than this,
Her learning is untainted, O!
But man’s a theme with which she is
Entirely unacquainted, O!
—acquainted, O!
—acquainted, O!
Entirely unacquainted, O!

[Lindsay/Tyler – incident 01.33] (from “The woman of the wisest wit”, MIDI file 1:05 – 1:38)

My natural instinct teaches me
(And instinct is important, O!)
You’re everything you ought to be,
And nothing that you oughtn’t, O!

That fact was seen at once by you
In casual conversation, O!
Which is most creditable to
Your powers of observation, O!
—servation, O!
—servation, O!
Your powers of observation, O!

[Incident 01.33 continued]

[Harold/LeShawna – incident (13.10] (refrain from “The woman of the wisest wit”, MIDI file 1:38 – 2:25)

Then jump for joy and gaily bound,
The truth is found—the truth is found!
Set bells a-ringing through the air—
Ring here and there and everywhere—
And echo forth the joyous sound,
The truth is found—the truth is found!

[Gwen/Owen – incident 25.24]

[Gwen] . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [Owen]

Now wouldn’t you like to rule the roast,
And guide this University?

I must agree,
‘Twould pleasant be.
(Sing hey, a Proper Pride!)

And wouldn’t you like to clear the coast
Of malice and perversity?

Without a doubt,
I’ll bundle ‘em out,
Sing hey, when I preside

Sing hoity, toity! Sorry for some! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sing hoity, toity! Sorry for some!
Sing, marry come up and my day will come! . . . . . . .Sing, marry come up and her day will come!
Sing, Proper Pride . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sing, Proper Pride
Is the horse to ride, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Is the horse to ride,
And Happy-go-lucky, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .And Happy-go-lucky,

my Lady, O!

For years I’ve writhed beneath her sneers,
Although a born Plantaganet!

You’re much too meek,
Or you would speak.
(Sing hey, I’ll say no more!)

Her elder I by several years,
Although you’d ne’er imagine it.

Sing, so I’ve heard
But never a word
Have I e’er believed before!

Sing hoity, toity! Sorry for some! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Sing hoity, toity! Sorry for some!
Sing, marry come up and my day will come! . . . . . . Sing, marry come up and her day will come!
Sing, she shall learn . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sing, she shall learn
That a worm will turn. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .That a worm will turn.
Sing Happy-go-lucky, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Sing Happy-go-lucky,

my Lady, O!

[Gwen – incident 20.16]

[ Chris/Chef Hatchet– incident 23.27]

Merrily ring the luncheon bell!
Here in meadow of asphodel,
Feast we body and mind as well,
So merrily ring the luncheon bell!

[Chef Hatchet – nature and incident 01.35] (from “Merrily ring the luncheon bell”, MIDI file 0:45 – 1:06)

Hunger, I beg to state,
Is highly indelicate,
This is a fact profoundly true,
So learn your appetites to subdue.

[LeShawna – incident 19.18] (from “Merrily ring the luncheon bell”, MIDI file 1:06 – 1:31)

Madame, your words so wise,
Nobody should despise,
Cursed with an appetite keen I am
And I’ll subdue it with cold roast lamb!

[Tyler – incident 01.29]

Would you know the kind of maid
Sets my heart aflame-a?
Eyes must be downcast and staid,
Cheeks must flush for shame-a!
She may neither dance nor sing,
But, demure in everything,
Hang her head in modest way,
With pouting lips that seem to say,
“Oh, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,
Though I die of shame-a!”
Please you, that’s the kind of maid
Sets my heart aflame-a!

When a maid is bold and gay
With a tongue goes clang-a,
Flaunting it in brave array,
Maiden may go hang-a!
Sunflower gay and hollyhock
Never shall my garden stock;
Mine the blushing rose of May,
With pouting lips that seem to say,
“Oh, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,
Though I die of shame-a!”
Please you, that’s the kind of maid
Sets my heart aflame-a!

[Cody/Trent – incident 08.24] (Finale Act II)

Oh, joy! Our chief is saved,
And by Hilarion’s hand,
The torrent fierce he braved,
And brought her safe to land!
For his intrusion, we must own,
This doughty deed may well atone!

[Courtney/Cody & co. – incident 27.77] (from Finale Act II, MIDI file 0:27 – 1.18)

Stand forth ye three,
Whoe’er ye be,
And hearken to our stern decree!

Have mercy, lady—disregard your oaths!

I know no mercy, men in women’s clothes!
The man whose sacreligious eyes
Invade our strict seclusion, dies.
Arrest these coarse intruding spies!

[Trent/Gwen – incident 26.32] (from Finale Act II, MIDI file 1:18 – 3:16)

Whom thou hast chained must wear his chain,
Thou canst not set him free,
He wrestles with his bonds in vain
Who lives by loving thee!
If heart of stone for heart of fire,
Be all thou hast to give,
If dead to me my heart’s desire,
Why should I wish to live?

No word of thine—no stern command
Can teach my heart to rove,
Then rather perish by thy hand,
Than live without thy love!
A loveless life apart from thee
Were hopeless slavery.
If kindly death will set me free,
Why should I fear to die?

[Heather/Owen – incident 23.34] (from Finale Act II, MIDI file 3:16 – 5:03)

Madam, without the castle walls
An armed band
Demand admittance to our halls
For Hildebrand!

Deny them!
We will defy them!

Too late—too late!
The castle gate
Is battered by them!

[Heather] . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [Owen]

Walls and fences scaling,
Promptly we appear;
Walls are unavailing,
We have entered here.
Female execration
Stifle if you’re wise;
Stop your lamentation,
Dry you pretty eyes!

Rend the air with wailing,
Shed the shameful tear!
Walls are unavailing,
Man has entered here!
Shame and desecration
Are his staunch allies,
Let your lamentation
Echo to the skies!

Audacious tyrant, do you dare
To beard a maiden in her lair?

Since you inquire,
We’ve no desire
To beard a maiden here, or anywhere!

[Chris/Gwen – incident 01.07] (from Finale Act II, MIDI file 5:03 – 5:59)

[Chris/Season 2 contestants – incident 27.84]

Chris & Gwen

A vow you make, you must not break

Some years ago
No doubt you know
(And if you don’t, I’ll tell you so)
You gave your troth
Upon your oath
To Hilarion my son.
A vow you make
You must not break,
(If you think you may, it’s a great mistake),
For a bride’s a bride
Though the knot were tied
At the early age of one!
And I’m a peppery kind of king
Who’s indisposed to parleying
To fit the wit of a bit of a chit,
And that’s the long and the short of it!

[Trent/Gwen – incident 26.46] (from Finale Act II, MIDI file 5:53 – 6:50)

If you decide
To pocket your pride
And let Hilarion claim his bride,
Why well and good,
It’s understood
We’ll let bygones go by—
But if you choose
To sulk in the blues
I’ll make the whole of you shake in your shoes.
I’ll storm your walls
And level your halls
In the twinkling of an eye
For I’m a peppery potentate
Who’s little inclined his claim to bate
To fit the wit of a bit of a chit,
And that’s the long and the short of it!

[Chef Hatchet – incident 01.36] (from Finale Act II, MIDI file 6:50 – 8:46)

We may remark, though nothing can
Dismay us,
That if you offend this gentleman,
He’ll slay us.
We don’t fear death, of course—we’re taught
To shame it;
But still upon the whole we thought
We’d name it.

Our interests we would not press
With chatter,
Three hulking brothers more or less
Don’t matter;
If you would pooh-pooh this monarch’s plan,
Pooh-pooh it,
But when he says he’ll hang a man,
He’ll do it.

Be reassured, nor fear his anger blind,
His menaces are idle as the wind,
He dares not kill you—vengeance lurks behind!

We rather think he dares, but never mind!

[Gwen/Trent – incident 26.30] (from Finale Act II, MIDI file 9:15 – 10:01)

[Gwen] . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [Trent]

To yield at once to such a foe . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Oh, yield at once, ‘twere better so
With shame were rife; . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Than risk a strife!
So, quick! Away with him, although . . . . . . . . . . .And let the Prince Hilarion go—
He saved my life! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .He saved thy life!
That he is fair, and strong, and tall . . . . . . . . . . . Hilarion’s fair and strong, and tall—
Is very evident to all, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A worse misfortune might befall—
Yet I will die before I call . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . It’s not so dreadful, after all,
Myself his wife! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .To be his wife!

[Courtney – incidents 12.50, 22.18, 27.53] (from Finale Act II, MIDI file 10:02 – 10:36)

Though I am but a girl,
Defiance thus I hurl,
Our banners all
On outer wall
We fearlessly unfurl.

[Castaways – incident 23.44]

Death to the invader!
Strike a deadly blow,
As an old Crusader
Struck his Paynim foe!
Let our martial thunder
Fill his soul with wonder,
Tear his ranks asunder,
Lay the tyrant low!

[Incident 23.44 continued]

[Heather – incident 07.07] (from “Death to the invader”, MIDI file 1:09 – 2:07)

[Bridgette – incident 07.11]

Thus our courage, all untarnished
We’re instructed to display:
But to tell the truth unvarnished,
We are more inclined to say,
“Please you, do not hurt us.
“Please you let us be.
“Soldiers disconcert us.
“Frightened maids are we!”

[Incident 23.44 continued]

But ‘twould be an error
To confess our terror,
So, in Ida’s name,
Boldly we exclaim:

Death to the invader!
Strike a deadly blow,
As an old Crusader
Struck his Paynim foe!

[Duncan – incident 24.39]

[Eva – incident 27.60]

I built upon a rock,
But ere Destruction’s hand
Dealt equal lot
To Court and cot,
My rock had turned to sand!
I leant upon an oak,
But in the hour of need,
My trusted stay
Was but a bruised reed!
Ah, faithless rock,
My simple faith to mock!
Ah, trait’rous oak,
Thy worthlessness to cloak.

I drew a sword of steel,
But when to home and hearth
The battle’s breath
Bore fire and death,
My sword was but a lath!
I lit a beacon fire,
But on a stormy day
Of frost and rime,
In wintertime,
My fire had died away!
Ah, coward steel,
That fear can unanneal!
False fire indeed,
To fail me in my need!

[Noah – incident 04.05]

[Chef Hatchet – incident 25.03]

Whene’er I spoke
Sarcastic joke
Replete with malice spiteful,
This people mild
Politely smiled,
And voted me delightful!
Now when a wight
Sits up all night
Ill-natured jokes devising,
And all his wiles
Are met with smiles
It’s hard, there’s no disguising!

[Gwen – incident 26.01] (from “Whene’er I spoke”, MIDI file 0:28 – 0:42)

O, don’t the days seem lank and long
When all goes right and nothing goes wrong,
And isn’t your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at!

[Courtney/Harold – incident 05.09] (from “Whene’er I spoke”, MIDI file 0:42 – 1:01)

When German bands
From music stands
Played Wagner imperfectly,
I bade them go—
They didn’t say no,
But off they went directly!
The organ boys
They stopped their noise
With readiness surprising,
And grinning herds
Of hurdy-gurds
Retired apologizing!

[Gwen/Geoff – incident 21.07] (from “Whene’er I spoke”, MIDI file 1:16 – 1:55)

Gwen creased

I've nothing whatever to grumble at!

I offered gold
In sums untold
To all who’d contradict me—
I said I’d pay
A pound a day
To anyone who kicked me—
I bribed with toys
Great vulgar boys
To utter something spiteful,
But bless, you, no!
They would be so
Confoundedly politeful!

In short, these aggravating lads,
They tickle my tastes, they feed my fads,
They give me this and they give me that,
And I’ve nothing whatever to grumble at!

[Duncan – incidents 19.22, 20.13]

[Gwen – incident 25.17]

When anger spreads his wing,
And all seems dark as night for it,
There’s nothing but to fight for it,
But ere you pitch your ring,
Select a pretty site for it,
(This spot is suited quite for it),
And then you gaily sing,
“Oh, I love the jolly rattle
Of an ordeal by battle,
There’s an end of tittle-tattle
When your enemy is dead.
It’s an arrant molly-coddle
Fears a crack upon his noddle
And he’s only fit to swaddle
In a downy feather-bed!”

[Izzy – incident 19.29] (from “When anger spreads his wing”, MIDI file 0:42 – 1:09)

For a fight’s a kind of thing
That I love to look upon,
So let us sing,
“Long live the King,
And his son Hilarion!”

[Owen – incident 02.11]

This helmet, I suppose,
Was meant to ward off blows,
It’s very hot
And weighs a lot,
As many a guardsman knows,
So off that helmet goes. . . . . . . . [giving their helmets to attendants]

This tight-fitting cuirass
Is but a useless mass,
It’s made of steel,
And weighs a deal,
A man is but an ass
Who fights in a cuirass,
So off goes that cuirass. . . . . . . . [removing cuirasses]

These brassets, truth to tell,
May look uncommon well,
But in a fight
They’re much too tight,
They’re like a lobster shell! . . . . . .[removing their brassets]

These things I treat the same . . . .[indicating leg pieces]
(I quite forget their name)
They turn one’s legs
To cribbage pegs—
Their aid I thus disclaim,
Though I forget their name! . . . . . .[They remove their leg pieces and wear close-fitting shape suits]

[Heather/Beth/LeShawna – incident 09.14]


Your warlike ironmongery

This is our duty plain towards
Our Princess all immaculate,
We ought to bless her brothers’ swords
And piously ejaculate:
Oh, Hungary!
Oh, Hungary!
Oh, doughty sons of Hungary!
May all success
Attend and bless
Your warlike ironmongery!

[Gwen/Trent – incident 26.56]

With joy abiding,
Together gliding
Through life’s variety,
In sweet society,
And thus enthroning
The love I’m owning,
On this atoning
I will rely!

It were profanity
For poor humanity
To treat as vanity
The sway of love.
In no locality
Or principality
Is our mortality
Its sway above.

When day is fading,
With serenading
And such frivolity
Of tender quality—
With scented showers
Of fairest flowers
The happy hours
Will gaily fly!

It were profanity, etc.


Verses from The Mikado

Gilbert and Sullivan's greatest hit. For a brief plot summary, see the “Introduction to Gilbert & Sullivan” section above. Click the links provided for a more detailed plot summary; the Short Attention Span summary; or a children's book adaptation of the Mikado story, written by Gilbert himself.

[ Sumo Wrestler – incident 07.06]

If you want to know who we are,
We are gentlemen of Japan;
On many a vase and jar—
On many a screen and fan,
We figure in lively paint;
Our attitude’s queer and quaint—
You’re wrong if you think it ain’t, oh!

[ Beth/Lindsay – nature and incidents 04.02, 17.03] (verse 2 from opening chorus, MIDI file 1:01 - 1:32)

If you think we are worked by strings,
Like a Japanese marionette,
You don’t understand these things:
It is simply Court etiquette.
Perhaps you suppose this throng
Can’t keep it up all day long?
If that’s your idea, you’re wrong, oh!

[ Trent – nature and incident 01.09]

A wandering minstrel I
A thing of shreds and patches,
Of ballads, songs and snatches,
And dreamy lullaby!
My catalogue is long,
Through every passion ranging,
And to your humors changing
I tune my supple song!

[ Owen/Trent – incident 26.34] (verse 2 from “A wandering minstrel I”, MIDI file 0:38 – 1:25)

[ Cody – nature]

Are you in sentimental mood?
I’ll sigh with you—
On maiden’s coldness do you brood?
I’ll do so, too—
I’ll charm your willing ears
With songs of lovers’ fears,
While sympathetic tears
My cheeks bedew—

[ Chef Hatchet – nature and incident 12.05] (verse 3 from “A wandering minstrel I”, MIDI file 1:26 – 2:01)

But if patriotic sentiment is wanted,
I’ve patriotic ballads cut and dried;
For where’er our country’s banner may be planted,
All other local banners are defied!
Our warriors, in serried ranks assembled,
Never quail—or they conceal it if they do—
And I shouldn’t be surprised if nations trembled
Before the mighty troops of Titipu!

[ Bridgette – nature and incident 01.11] (verse 4 from “A wandering minstrel I”, MIDI file 2:02 – 3:02)

[ D.J. – incident 08.43]

And if you call for a song of the sea,
We’ll heave the capstan round,
With a yeo heave ho, for the wind is free,
The anchor’s a-trip and her helm’s a-lee,
Hurrah for the homeward bound!

Then man the capstan—off we go,
As the fiddler swings us round,
With a yeo heave ho,
And a rumbelow,
Hurrah for the homeward bound!

[ Heather/Lindsay – incident 03.16]

Our great Mikado, virtuous man,
When he to rule our land began,
Resolved to try
A plan whereby
Young men might best be steadied.
So he decreed in words succinct,
That all who flirted, leered or winked
(Unless connubially linked),
Should forthwith be beheaded.

And I expect you’ll all agree
That he was right to so decree.

This stern decree, you’ll understand,
Caused great dismay throughout the land!
For young and old
And shy and bold
Were equally affected.
The youth who winked a roving eye,
Or breathed a nonconnubial sigh,
Was thereupon condemned to die—
He usually objected.

And you’ll allow, as I expect,
That he was right to so object.

[Lindsay – incident 03.18] (verse 3 from “Our great Mikado, virtuous man”, MIDI file 1:52 – 2:50)

And so we straight let out on bail,
A convict from the county jail,
Whose head was next
On some pretext
Condemned to be mown off,
And made him Headsman, for we said,
“Who’s next to be decapited
Cannot cut off another’s head
Until he’s cut his own off.”

And we are right, I think you’ll say
To argue in this kind of way.

[ Gwen/Cody – incidents 05.16, 08.06]

Young man, despair,
Likewise go to,
Yum-Yum the fair
You must not woo.
It will not do:
I’m sorry for you,
You very imperfect ablutioner!

[Incident 08.06 continued]

It’s a hopeless case,
As you may see,
And in your place
Away I’d flee;
But don’t blame me—
I’m sorry to be
Of your pleasure a diminutioner.

[ Chris ]

Behold the Lord High Executioner
A personage of noble rank and title—
A dignified and potent officer,
Whose functions are particularly vital!
Defer, defer
To the Lord High Executioner!

[ Duncan ] (from “Behold the Lord High Executioner”, MIDI file 0:53 – 1:47)

Taken from the county jail
By a set of curious chances;
Liberated then on bail,
On my own recognizances;
Wafted by a favoring gale
As one sometimes is in trances,
To a height that few can scale,
Save by long and weary dances;
Surely never had a male
Under such like circumstances
So adventurous a tale
Which may rank with most romances.

[Heather – nature and incident 10.09] (“Little list” Song)

As someday it may happen that a victim must be found,
I’ve got a little list—I’ve got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed—who never would be missed!
There’s the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs—
All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs—
All children who are up in dates, and floor you with ‘em flat—
All people who, when shaking hands, shake hands with you like that
And all third persons who on spoiling tété-a-tétés insist—
They’d none of them be missed—they’d none of them be missed.

There’s the banjo serenader, and the others of his race,
And the piano-organist—I’ve got him on the list!
And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face,
They never would be missed—they never would be missed!
Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone,
All centuries but this and every country but his own;
And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy,
And who “doesn’t think she dances, but would rather like to try”;
And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist
I don’t think she’d be missed—I’m sure she’ll not be missed!

And that Nisi Prius nuisance who just now is rather rife,
The Judicial humorist—I’ve got him on the list!
All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life—
They’d none of them be missed—they’d none of them be missed.
And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind,
Such as—What do you call him—Thing’em-bob—and likewise—Nevermind,
And ‘St—‘st—‘st—and What’s-his-name, and also You-know-who—
The task of filling up the blanks I’d rather leave to you.
But it really doesn’t matter whom you put upon the list,
For they’d none of them be missed—they’d none of them be missed!

[Parade of Contestants – incident 01.06]

Comes a train of little ladies
From scholastic trammels free,
Each a little bit afraid is,
Wondering what the world can be!

Is it but a world of trouble—
Sadness set to song?
Is its beauty but a bubble
Bound to break ere long?

Are its palaces and pleasures
Fantasies that fade?
And the glory of its treasures
Shadow of a shade?

Schoolgirls we, eighteen and under,
From scholastic trammels free,
And we wonder—how we wonder!—
What on earth the world can be!


Three little maids from school are we,
Pert as a school-girl well can be,
Filled to the brim with girlish glee,
Three little maids from school!

Everything is a source of fun.
Nobody’s safe, for we care for none.
Life is a joke that’s just begun.
Three little maids from school!

Three little maids who, all unwary,
Come from a ladies’ seminary,
Freed from a genius tutelary—
Three little maids from school!

[ Courtney – incident 12.41]

So please you, Sir, we much regret
If we have failed in etiquette
Towards a man of rank so high—
We shall know better by and by,
But youth, of course, must have its fling
So pardon us,
So pardon us,
And don’t, in girlhood’s happy spring,
Be hard on us,
Be hard on us,
If we’re inclined to dance and sing.

[Chef Hatchet – incident 26.63] (verse 2 from “So please you, Sir, we much regret”, MIDI file 0:53 – 1:59)

I think you ought to recollect
You cannot show too much respect
Towards the highly titled few;
But nobody does, so why should you?
That youth at us should have its fling
Is hard on us,
Is hard on us,
To our prerogative we cling—
So pardon us,
So pardon us,
If we decline to dance and sing.

[Heather/Trent – incident 16.28] (gender roles reversed in TDI)

Were you not to Ko-Ko plighted,
I would say in tender tone,
“Loved one, let us be united—
Let us be each other’s own!”
I would merge all rank and station,
Worldly sneers are naught to us,
And, to mark my admiration,
I would kiss you fondly thus—[kiss]

[Incident 16.28 continued]

[Courtney/Duncan – incident 26.23] (from “Were you not to Ko-Ko plighted”, MIDI file 0:53 – 1:55)

So, in spite of all temptation,
Such a theme I’ll not discuss,
And on no consideration
Will I kiss you fondly thus—[kiss]
Let me make it clear to you,
This is what I’ll never do!
This, [kiss] oh, this, [kiss] oh, this—[kiss]
Is what I’ll never do!

[Courtney – incidents 02.02, 07.12] (“Chippy chopper” trio)

I am so proud,
If I allowed
My family pride
To be my guide,
I’d volunteer
To quit this sphere
Instead of you
In a minute or two.
But family pride
Must be denied,
And set aside,
And mortified.

[Heather – nature and incident 18.02] (from “Chippy chopper” trio, MIDI file 0:32 – 0:47)

My brain, it teems
With endless schemes
Both good and new
For Titipu;
But if I flit,
The benefit
That I’d diffuse
The town would lose!
Now every man
To aid his clan
Should plot and plan
As best he can.

[Duncan – incident 19.23] (from “Chippy chopper” trio, MIDI file 0:48 – 1:03)

Duncan unsliced

The fatal steel

I heard one day
A gentleman say
That criminals who
Are cut in two
Can hardly feel
The fatal steel,
And so are slain
Without much pain.
If this is true,
It’s jolly for you;
Your courage screw
To bid us adieu.

[Heather – incident 18.11] (from “Chippy chopper” trio, MIDI file 1:24 – 1:37)

And so,
I’m ready to go,
Yet recollect
‘Twere disrespect
Did I neglect
To thus effect
This aim direct,
So I object—

[ Geoff – incident 15.20] (from “Chippy chopper” trio, MIDI file 1:37 – 1:49)

And so,
I wish to go,
And greatly pine
To brightly shine
And take the line
Of a hero fine,
With grief condign,
I must decline—

[Owen – incident 02.05] (from “Chippy chopper” trio, MIDI file 1:49 – 1:58)

And go
And show
Both friend and foe
How much you dare.
I’m quite aware
It’s your affair,
Yet I declare
I’d take your share,
But I don’t much care—

[Duncan – incident 12.10] (from “Chippy chopper” trio, MIDI file 2:09 – 2:56)

[ Mr. Coconut – incident 24.07]

To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!

[Screaming Gophers – incident 05.33] (Finale Act I)

With aspect stern
And gloomy stride,
We come to learn
How you decide.

Don’t hesitate
Your choice to name,
A dreadful fate
You’ll suffer all the same.

[Bridgette – incidents 02.01] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 1:06 – 1:17)

To ask you what you mean to do we punctually appear.

Congratulate me, gentlemen, I’ve found a Volunteer!
The Japanese equivalent for “Hear, Hear, Hear!”

[Heather – incident 16.63] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 1:59 – 2:47)

[elimination ceremony survivors – nature]

The threatened cloud has passed away,

And brightly shines the dawning day;

What though the night may come too soon,

There’s yet a month of afternoon!

Then let the throng
Our joy advance,
With laughing song
And merry dance
With joyous shout and ringing cheer,
Inaugurate our brief career!

[Owen/Izzy – incident 20.05] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 5:27 – 6:15)

[Trent/Gwen – incident 26.16]

(gender roles reversed in TDI for both)

Oh fool, that fleest
My hallowed joys!
Oh blind, that seest
No equipoise!
Oh rash, that judgest
From half the whole!
Oh base, that grudgest
Love’s lightest dole!
Thy heart unbind,
Oh fool, oh blind!
Give me my place,
Oh rash, oh base!

If she’s thy bride, restore her place,
Oh fool, oh blind, oh rash, oh base!

[Izzy – incident 17.22] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 6:15 – 7:13)

Pink cheek, that rulest
Where wisdom serves!
Bright eye, that foolest
Heroic nerves!
Rose lip, that scornest
Lore-laden years!
Smooth tongue, that warnest
Who rightly hears!
Thy doom is nigh,
Pink cheek, bright eye!
Thy knell is rung,
Rose lips, smooth tongue!

If true her tale, thy knell is rung,
Pink cheek, bright eye, rose lip, smooth tongue!

[Heather/Gwen – incident 16.67] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 7:13 – 7:33)

Away, nor prosecute your quest—
From our intention well expressed,
You cannot turn us!
The state of your connubial views
Toward the person you accuse
Does not concern us!

[Cody/Trent/Gwen – incident 08.35] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 7:33 – 8:23)

For he’s going to marry Yum-Yum—
Your anger pray bury
For all will be merry,
I think you had better succumb—
And join our expressions of glee.
On this subject I pray you be dumb—
You’ll find there are many
Who’ll wed for a penny—
The word for your guidance is “Mum”—
There’s lots of good fish in the sea!

[Cody – incident 08.20] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 8:24 – 9:15)

[Gwen/Trent – incident 16.34]

The hour of gladness
Is dead and gone,
In silent sadness
I live alone!
The hope I cherished
All lifeless lies,
And all has perished
Save love, which never dies!

[ Eva/surviving campers – incident 15.23] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 10:33 – 13:01)

[Eva] . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [The others]

Ye torrents roar!
Ye tempests howl!
Your wrath outpour
With angry growl!
Do ye your worst, my vengeance call
Shall rise triumphant over all!

We’ll hear no more,
Ill-omened owl;
With joy we soar,
Despite your scowl!
The echoes of our festival
Shall rise triumphant over all!

Prepare for woe,
Ye haughty lords,
At once I go

Away you go,
Collect your hordes;
Proclaim your woe
In dismal chords;
We do not heed their dismal sound,
For joy reigns everywhere around.

My wrongs with vengeance shall be crowned!
My wrongs with vengeance shall be crowned!

[Heather/Bridgette – incident 14.06]

[various girls - nature]

Heather & Bridgette

Art and nature, thus allied

Braid the raven hair
Weave the supple tress—
Deck the maiden fair,
In her loveliness—
Paint the pretty face—
Dye the coral lip—
Emphasize the grace
Of her ladyship!
Art and nature, thus allied,
Go to make a pretty bride.

[Heather – nature and incidents 20.08, 25.04]

The sun, whose rays
Are all ablaze
With ever-living glory,
Does not deny
His majesty—
He scorns to tell a story!
He don’t exclaim,
“I blush for shame,
So kindly be indulgent.”
But, fierce and bold,
In fiery gold,
He glories all effulgent!

I mean to rule the earth,
As he the sky—
We really know our worth,
The sun and I!

Observe his flame,
That placid dame,
The moon’s Celestial Highness;
There’s not a trace
Upon her face
Of diffidence or shyness:
She borrows light
That, through the night,
Mankind may all acclaim her!
And, truth to tell,
She lights up well,
So I, for one, don’t blame her!

Ah, pray make no mistake,
We are not shy;
We’re very wide awake,
The moon and I!

[ Harold/LeShawna – incident 13.12] (madrigal)

Brightly dawns our wedding day;
Joyous hour, we give thee greeting!
Whither, whither art thou fleeting?
Fickle moment, prithee stay!
What though mortal joys be hollow?
Pleasures come, if sorrows follow:
Though the tocsin sound, ere long,
Ding dong! Ding dong!
Yet until the shadows fall
Over one and over all,
Sing a merry madrigal—
A madrigal!

[ Noah/Courtney – incident 22.30] (verse 2 from “Brightly dawns our wedding day”, MIDI file 1:39 – 3:18)

[the team facing an elimination – nature]

Let us dry the ready tear,
Though the hours are surely creeping
Little need for woeful weeping,
Till the sad sundown is near.
All must sip the cup of sorrow—
I today and thou tomorrow;
This the close of every song—
Ding, dong! Ding, dong!
What, though solemn shadows fall,
Sooner, later, over all?
Sing a merry madrigal—
A madrigal!

[Gwen – incident 11.04] (verse 3 from “Here’s a how-de-do!”, MIDI file 0:26 – 0:37)

Here’s a state of things!
To her life she clings!
Matrimonial devotion
Doesn’t seem to suit her notion—
Burial it brings!
Here’s a state of things!

[Chris – incident 11.03]

A more humane Mikado
Never did in Japan exist,
To nobody second
I’m certainly reckoned
A true philanthropist.
It is my very humane endeavor
To make, to some extent,
Each evil liver
A running river
Of harmless merriment.

[Heather – incident 25.29] (MIDI file 0:22 – 3:12)

My object all sublime
I shall achieve in time—
To let the punishment fit the crime—
The punishment fit the crime;
And make each prisoner pent
Unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment—
Of innocent merriment!

All prosy dull society sinners,
Who chatter and bleat and bore,
Are sent to hear sermons
From mystical Germans
Who preach from ten till four.
The amateur tenor, whose vocal villainies
All desire to shirk,
Shall, during off-hours
Exhibit his powers
To Madame Tussaud’s waxwork.

The lady who dyes a chemical yellow
Or stains her grey hair puce,
Or pinches her figger,
Is painted with vigor
With permanent walnut juice.
The idiot who, in railway carriages,
Scribbles on window panes,
We only suffer
To ride on a buffer
In Parliamentary trains.

My object all sublime, etc.

The advertising quack who wearies
With tales of countless cures,
His teeth, I’ve enacted,
Shall all be extracted
By terrified amateurs.
The music hall singer attends a series
Of masses and fugues and “ops”
By Bach, interwoven
With Spohr and Beethoven,
At classical Monday Pops.

The billiard sharp whom anyone catches,
His doom’s extremely hard—
He’s made to dwell
In a dungeon cell
On a spot that’s always barred.
And there he plays extravagant matches
In fitless finger-stalls
On a cloth untrue,
With a twisted cue
And elliptical billiard balls!

My object all sublime, etc.

[Chef Hatchet/Duncan – incident 19.24]

The criminal cried, as he dropped him down,
In a state of wild alarm—
With a frightful, frantic, fearful frown,
I bared my big right arm.
I seized him by his little pigtail
And on his knees fell he,
As he squirmed and struggled,
And gurgled and guggled,
I drew my snickersnee!
Oh, never shall I
Forget the cry,
Or the shriek that shrieked he!
As I gnashed my teeth,
When from its sheath
I drew my snickersnee!

[Owen – incident 17.24] (chorus verse 1 from “The criminal cried”, MIDI file 0:48 – 1:00)

We know him well,
He cannot tell
Untrue or groundless tales—
He always tries
To utter lies,
And every time he fails.

[LeShawna/Harold – incident 13.16] (soloist verse 2 from “The criminal cried”, MIDI file 1:00 – 1:42)

He shivered and shook as he gave the sign
For the stroke he didn’t deserve;
When all of a sudden his eye met mine,
And it seemed to brace his nerve;
For he nodded his head and kissed his hand,
And he whistled an air, did he,
As the saber true
Cut cleanly through
His cervical vertebrae.
When a man’s afraid,
A beautiful maid
Is a cheering sight to see;
And it’s oh, I’m glad
That moment sad
Was soothed by sight of me!

[Izzy – incident 08.45] (chorus verse 2 from “The criminal cried”, MIDI file 1:42 – 1:54)

Her terrible tale
You can’t assail,
With truth it quite agrees:
Her taste exact
For faultless fact
Amounts to a disease!

[Owen/ Mr. Coconut – incident 23.20] (soloist verse 3 from “The criminal cried”, MIDI file 1:54 – 2:38)

Now, though you’d have said that head was dead
(For its owner, dead was he),
It stood on its neck with a smile well-bred,
And bowed three times to me!
It was none of your impudent off-hand nods,
But as humble as could be;
For it clearly knew
The deference due
To a man of pedigree!
And it’s oh, I vow,
This deathly bow
Was a touching sight to see;
Though trunkless, yet
It couldn’t forget
The deference due to me!

[Heather – nature and incident 16.68] (chorus verse 3 from “The criminal cried”, MIDI file 2:38 – 3:03)

[Chris – nature]

This haughty youth,
He speaks the truth
Whenever he finds it pays:
And in this case
It all took place
Exactly as he says!

[Heather/Trent – incident 16.93]

[Heather/Lindsay – incident 18.29]

[ Sadie – incident 22.29]

See how the Fates their gifts allot,
For A is happy—B is not.
Yet B is worthy, I dare say,
Of more prosperity than A!

Is B more worthy?
I should say
He’s worth a great deal more than A.

Yet A is happy!
Oh, so happy!
Laughing, ha, ha!
Chaffing, ha, ha!
Nectar quaffing, ha, ha, ha!
Ever joyous, ever gay,
Happy, undeserving A!

If I were Fortune—which I’m not—
B should enjoy A’s happy lot,
And A should die in miserie—
That is, assuming I am B.

But should A perish?
That should he.
(Of course, assuming I am B.)

B should be happy!
Oh, so happy!
Laughing, ha, ha!
Chaffing, ha, ha!
Nectar quaffing, ha, ha, ha!
But condemned to die is he,
Wretched, meritorious B!

[Gwen – incident 24.30] (verse 2, MIDI file 0:40 – 1:32)

The flowers that bloom in the spring, tra la,
Have nothing to do with the case.
I’ve got to take under my wing, tra la,
A most unattractive old thing, tra la,
With a caricature of a face.
And that’s what I mean when I say or I sing,
“Oh, bother the flowers that bloom in the spring.”

[Gwen – incident 16.40] (with opening recitative)

The Mikado Alone and Yet Alive

The Mikado Alone and Yet Alive

May not a cheated maiden die?

Alone, and yet alive! Oh, sepulcher!
My soul is still my body’s prisoner!
Remote, the peace that Death alone can give—
My doom, to wait! My punishment, to live!

Hearts do not break!
They sting and ache,
For old love’s sake,
But do not die,
Though with each breath
They long for death
As witnesseth
The living I!
Oh, living I!
Come, tell me why,
When hope is gone,
Dost thou stay on?
Why linger here,
When all is drear?
Oh, living I!
Come, tell me why,
When hope is gone,
Dost thou stay on?
May not a cheated maiden die?

[Trent/Gwen – incident 26.33]

Trent rocks on

I shall perish as he did, and you will know why

On a tree by a river, a little tom-tit
Sang “Willow, titwillow, titwillow!”
And I said to him, “Dicky-bird, why do you sit
Singing ‘Willow, titwillow, titwillow’?”
“Is it weakness of intellect, birdie?” I cried,
“Or a rather tough worm in your little inside?”
With a shake of his poor little head, he replied,
“Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!”

He slapped at his chest, as he sat on that bough,
Singing, “Willow, titwillow, titwillow!”
And a cold perspiration bespangled his brow,
Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!
He sobbed and he sighed, and a gurgle he gave,
Then he plunged himself into the billowy wave,
And an echo arose from the suicide’s grave—
“Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!”

Now I feel just as sure as I’m sure that my name
Isn’t Willow, titwillow, titwillow,
That ‘twas blighted affection that made him exclaim,
“Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!”
And if you remain callous and obdurate, I
Shall perish as he did, and you will know why,
Though I probably shall not exclaim, as I die,
“Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!”

[Geoff – incident 14.11]

[Izzy – incident 27.06]

[Eva – nature, in a different sense]

There is beauty in the bellow of the blast,
There is grandeur in the growling of the gale,
There is eloquence outpouring
When the lion is a-roaring,
And the tiger is a-lashing of his tail!

Yes, I love to see a tiger
From the Congo or the Niger,
And especially when lashing of his tail!

Volcanoes have a splendor that is grim,
And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
But to him who’s scientific
There is nothing that’s terrific
In the falling of a flight of thunderbolts!

Yes, in spite of all my meekness,
If I have a little weakness,
It’s a passion for a flight of thunderbolts!


Verses from Ruddigore

For a brief plot summary, see the “Introduction to Gilbert & Sullivan” section above. Click the links provided for a more detailed plot summary or the Short Attention Span summary.

[ Lindsay – incident 01.23]

Fair is Rose as the bright May-day;
Soft is Rose as the warm west wind;
Sweet is Rose as the new-mown hay—
Rose is the queen of maiden-kind!

[ Izzy – incident 19.01]

[ Heather/Lindsay/Beth – nature]

[ Chris – nature]

Sir Rupert Murgatroyd
His leisure and his riches
He ruthlessly employed
In persecuting witches.
With fear he’d make them quake—
He’d duck them in his lake—
He’d break their bones
With sticks and stones,
And burn them at the stake!

This sport he much enjoyed,
Did Rupert Murgatroyd—
No sense of shame
Or pity came
To Rupert Murgatroyd!

[Heather/Lindsay – incident 18.31] (from “Sir Rupert Murgatroyd”, MIDI file 0:55 – 1:22)

Once, on the village green,
A palsied hag he roasted,
And what took place, I ween,
Shook his composure boasted;
For, as the torture grim
Seized on each withered limb,
The writhing dame
‘Mid fire and flame
Yelled forth this curse on him:

[Incident 18.31 continued]

[ Courtney – incident 12.29] (from “Sir Rupert Murgatroyd”, MIDI file 1:23 – 1:51)

[ Duncan – nature]

“Each lord of Ruddigore,
Despite his best endeavor,
Shall do one crime, or more,
Once, every day, forever!
This doom he can’t defy,
However he may try,
For should he stay
His hand that day,
In torture he shall die!”

[Incident 12.29 continued]

[Duncan – nature] (from “Sir Rupert Murgatroyd”, MIDI file 1:51 – 2:27)

The prophecy came true:
Each heir who held the title
Had, every day, to do
Some crime of import vital;
Until, with guilt o’erplied,
“I’ll sin no more!” he cried,
And on the day
He said that say,
In agony he died!

[ Gwen/Cody – incident 08.22]

If somebody there chanced to be
Who loved me in a manner true,
My heart would point him out to me,
And I would point him out to you.
But here it says of those who point— . . . . . . .[referring to book of etiquette]
Their manners must be out of joint—
You may not point—
You must not point—
It’s manners out of joint, to point!

Had I the love of such as he,
Some quiet spot he’d take me to,
Then he could whisper it to me,
And I could whisper it to you.
But whispering, I’ve somewhere met, . . . . . . . [referring to book]
Is contrary to etiquette:
Where can it be? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [searching book]
Now let me see— . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .[finding reference]
Yes, yes!
It’s contrary to etiquette!

If any well-bred youth I knew,
Polite and gentle, neat and trim
Then I would hint as much to you,
And you could hint as much to him.
But here it says, in plainest print, . . . . . . . . . .[referring to book]
“It’s most unladylike to hint”—
You may not hint,
You must not hint—
It says you mustn’t hint, in print!

And if I loved him through and through—
(True love and not a passing whim),
Then I could speak of it to you,
And you could speak of it to him.
But here I find it doesn’t do . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [referring to book]
To speak until you’re spoken to.
Where can it be? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [searching book]
Now let me see— . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .[finding reference]
Yes, yes!
“Don’t speak until you’re spoken to!”

Heather with diary

I know a maid who loves a gallant youth

[Gwen/Trent – incidents 05.31, 08.01]

[Trent] . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [Gwen]

I know a youth who loves a little maid
(Hey, but his face is a sight for to see!)
Silent is he, for he’s modest and afraid—
(Hey, but he’s timid as a youth can be!)

I know a maid who loves a gallant youth,
(Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!)
She cannot tell him all the sad, sad truth—
(Hey, but I think that little maid will die!)

Poor little man!

Poor little maid!

Poor little man!

Poor little maid!

Now tell me pray, and tell me true, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Now tell me pray, and tell me true,

What in the world should the young man do? . . . . . . . . . What in the world should the maiden do?

He cannot eat and he cannot sleep—
(Hey, but his face is a sight for to see!)
Daily he goes for to wail—for to weep
(Hey, but he’s wretched as a youth can be!)

She’s very thin and she’s very pale—
(Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!)
Daily she goes for to weep—for to wail—
(Hey, but I think that little maid will die!)

Poor little maid!

Poor little man!

Poor little maid!

Poor little man!

Now tell me pray, and tell me true, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Now tell me pray, and tell me true,
What in the world should the young man do? . . . . . . . . . What in the world should the maiden do?

If I were the youth, I should offer her my name—
(Hey, but her face is a sight for to see!)

If I were the maid, I should fan his honest flame—
(Hey, but he’s bashful as a youth can be!)

If I were the youth, I should speak to her today—
(Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!)

If I were the maid, I should meet the lad halfway—
(For I really do believe that timid youth will die!)

Poor little man!

Poor little maid!

Poor little man!

Poor little maid!

I thank you, miss, for your counsel true; . . . . . . . . . . . . . I thank you, sir, for your counsel true;
I’ll tell that youth what he ought to do! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .I’ll tell that maid what she ought to do!

[Trent – incident 16.08]

From the briny sea
Comes young Richard, all victorious!
Valorous is he—
His achievements all are glorious.
Let the welkin ring
With the news we bring
Sing it—shout it—
Tell about it—
Safe and sound returneth he,
All victorious from the sea!

[Bass/Cody – incident 04.06] (MIDI file 0:52 – 3:40)

[ Bridgette/Killer Bunny – incident 16.61]

I shipped, d’ye see, in a Revenue sloop,
And, off Cape Finistere,
A merchantman we see,
A Frenchman, going free,
So we made for the bold Mounseer,
D’ye see?
We made for the bold Mounseer.
But she proved to be a Frigate—and she up with her ports,
And fires with a thirty-two!
It come uncommon near,
But we answered with a cheer,
Which paralyzed the Parley-voo,
D’ye see?
Which paralyzed the Parley-voo!

Then our Captain he up and he says, says he,
“That chap we need not fear—
We can take her, if we like,
She is sartin for to strike,
For she’s only a darned Mounseer,
D’ye see?
She’s only a darned Mounseer!
But to fight a French fal-lal—it’s like hittin’ of a gal!
It’s a lubberly thing for to do;
For we, with our faults,
Why, we’re sturdy British salts,
While she’s only a Parley-voo,
D’ye see?
While she’s only a Parley-voo!”

So we up with our helm, and we scuds before the breeze
As we gives a compassionating cheer;
Froggee answers with a shout
As he sees us go about,
Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer,
D’ye see?
Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer!
And I’ll wager in their joy they kissed each other’s cheek
(Which is what them furriners do),
And they blessed their lucky stars
We were sturdy British tars
Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo,
D’ye see?
Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo!

[ Ezekiel – incident 27.37]

My boy, you may take it from me,
That of all the afflictions accursed
With which a man’s saddled
And hampered and addled,
A diffident nature’s the worst.
Though clever as clever can be—
A Crichton of early romance—
You must stir it and stump it,
And blow your own trumpet,
Or, trust me, you haven’t a chance!

If you wish in the world to advance,
Your merits you’re bound to enhance,
You must stir it and stump it,
And blow your own trumpet,
Or, trust me, you haven’t a chance!

Now take, for example, my case:
I’ve a bright intellectual brain—
In all London city
There’s no one so witty—
I’ve thought so again and again.
I’ve a highly intelligent face—
My features cannot be denied—
But, whatever I try, sir,
I fail in, and why, sir?
I’m modesty personified!

If you wish in the world to advance, etc.

As a poet, I’m tender and quaint—
I’ve passion and fervor and grace—
From Ovid and Horace
To Swinburne and Morris,
They all of them take a back place.
Then I sing and I play and I paint:
Though none are accomplished as I,
To say so were treason:
You ask me the reason?
I’m diffident, modest, and shy!

[Incident 27.37 continued]

[Courtney – nature and incident 02.08] (refrain from “My boy, you may take it from me”, MIDI file 1:49 – 2:10)

If you wish in the world to advance,
Your merits you’re bound to enhance,
You must stir it and stump it,
And blow your own trumpet,
Or, trust me, you haven’t a chance!

[ Owen/Izzy – incident 26.41]

The battle’s roar is over,
O my love!
Embrace thy tender lover,
O my love!
From tempests’ welter,
From war’s alarms,
O give me shelter
Within those arms!
Thy smile alluring,
All heart-ache curing,
Gives peace enduring,
O my love!

If heart both true and tender,
O my love!
A life-love can engender,
O my love!
A truce to sighing
And tears of brine,
For joy undying
Shall aye be mine,
And thou and I, love,
Shall live and die, love,
Without a sigh, love—
My own, my love!

[various lovebirds]

In sailing o’er life’s ocean wide
Your heart should be your only guide;
With summer sea and favoring wind,
Yourself in port you’ll surely find.

[Cody – incident 08.17] (from “In sailing o’er life’s ocean wide”, MIDI file 0:13 – 0:32)

My heart says, “To this maiden strike—
She’s captured you.
She’s just the sort of girl you like—
You know you do.
If other man her heart should gain,
I shall resign.”
That’s what it says to me quite plain,
This heart of mine.

[Gwen/Trent – incident 15.25] (from “In sailing o’er life’s ocean wide”, MIDI file 0:51 – 1:47)

[Courtney/Duncan – nature]

Ten minutes since my heart said “white”—
It now says “black.”
It then said “left”—it now says “right”—
Hearts often tack.
I must obey its latest strain—
You tell me so.
But should it change its mind again,
I’ll let you know.

In sailing o’er life’s ocean wide
No doubt the heart should be your guide;
But it is awkward when you find
A heart that does not know its mind!

[Izzy – nature and incident 01.20]

Cheerily carols the lark
Over the cot.
Merrily whistles the clerk
Scratching a blot.
But the lark
And the clerk,
I remark,
Comfort me not.
Over the ripening peach
Buzzes the bee.
Splash on the billowy beach
Tumbles the sea.
But the peach
And the beach
They are each
Nothing to me.
And why?
Who am I?
Daft Madge! Crazy Meg!
Mad Margaret! Poor Peg!
He! he! he! he! he! . . . . . . . . [chuckling]

[Owen – incident 23.47] (from “Cheerily carols the lark”, MIDI file 1:13 – 1:31)

Mad, I?
Yes, very!
But why?
Don’t call!
No crime—
‘Tis only
That I’m
That’s all!

[Cody/Gwen/Trent – incident 05.03] (MIDI file 1:32 – 3:35, gender roles reversed in TDI)

Ruddigore 17 Margarets Ballad

Ruddigore 17 Margarets Ballad

Hope lay nestling at [his] heart

To a garden full of posies
Cometh one to gather flowers,
And he wanders through its bowers
Toying with the wanton roses,
Who, uprising from their beds,
Hold on high their shameless heads
With their pretty lips a-pouting,
Never doubting—never doubting
That for Cytherean posies
He would gather aught but roses!

In a nest of weeds and nettles
Lay a violet, half-hidden,
Hoping that his glance unbidden
Yet might fall upon her petals.
Though she lived alone, apart,
Hope lay nestling at her heart,
But, alas, the cruel awaking
Set her little heart a-breaking,
For he gathered for his posies
Only roses—only roses!

[Owen/Gwen/Duncan – incident 23.36]

[Owen/ Return of the Losers – incident 26.07]

Welcome, gentry,
For your entry
Sets our tender hearts a-beating.
Men of station,
Prompts this unaffected greeting.
Hearty greetings offer we!

[ Justin – incident 27.42] (from “Welcome, gentry”, MIDI file 0:49 – 1:14)

When thoroughly tired
Of being admired
By ladies of gentle degree—degree,
With flattery sated,
High-flown and inflated,
Away from the city we flee—we flee!
From charms intramural
To prettiness rural
The sudden transition
Is simply Elysian,
So come, Amaryllis,
Come, Chloe and Phyllis,
Your slaves, for the moment, are we!

[Bridgette/Ezekiel – incident 22.10] (from “Welcome, gentry”, MIDI file 1:14 – 1:46)

Bridgette & Zekeshark

But never a lover for me!

The sons of the tillage
Who dwell in this village
Are people of lowly degree—degree.
Though honest and active,
They’re most unattractive,
And awkward as awkward can be—can be.
They’re clumsy clodhoppers,
With axes and choppers,
And shepherds and ploughmen
And drovers and cowmen
And hedgers and reapers
And carters and keepers,
But never a lover for me!

[ EPKWACAAH – nature and incident 19.26] (MIDI file 2:25 – 4:38)

[Duncan – nature]

[EPKWACAAH] . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [Gwen]

Oh, why am I moody and sad?

Can’t guess!

And why am I guiltily mad?


Because I am thoroughly bad!

Oh, yes—

You’ll see it at once in my face,

Oh, why am I husky and hoarse?

Ah, why?

It’s the workings of conscience, of course.

Fie, fie!

And huskiness stands for remorse,

Oh, my!

At least it does so in my case.

When in crime one is fully employed—

Like you—

Your expression gets warped and destroyed:

It do.

It’s a penalty none can avoid;

How true!

I once was a nice-looking youth;

But like stone from a strong catapult—

A trice—

I rushed at my terrible cult—

That’s vice—

Observe the unpleasant result!

Not nice.

Indeed I am telling the truth!

Oh, innocent, happy though poor!

That’s we—

If I had been virtuous, I’m sure—

Like me—

I should be as nice-looking as you’re!

May be,

You are very nice looking indeed!

Oh, innocents, listen in time—

We doe,

Avoid an existence of crime—

Just so—

Or you’ll be as ugly as I’m—

No! No!

And now, if you please, we’ll proceed.

[Duncan/Geoff – incident 17.17]

You understand?

I think I do;
With vigor unshaken
This step shall be taken.
It’s neatly planned.

I think so too;
I’ll readily bet it
You’ll never regret it!

For duty, duty must be done;
The rule applies to everyone,
And painful though that duty be,
To shirk the task were fiddle-de-dee!

[Gwen/Cody (as described by Heather) – incident 05.21] (Finale Act I)

Hail the bride of seventeen summers:
In fair phrases
Hymn her praises;
Lift your song on high, all comers.
She rejoices
In your voices.
Smiling summer beams upon her,
Shedding every blessing on her:
Maidens greet her—
Kindly treat her—
You may all be brides someday!

Hail the bridegroom who advances,
Yet elated.
He’s in easy circumstances,
Young and lusty,
True and trusty.

[Geoff/Owen – nature and incident 21.04] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 3:32 – 4:37)

Spring is hope—
Summer’s joy—

Spring and summer never cloy.

Autumn, toil—
Winter, rest—
Winter, after all, is best.

Spring and summer pleasure you,
Autumn, aye, and winter too—
Every season has its cheer,
Life is lovely all the year!

[Courtney] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 6:33 – 7:05)

As pure and blameless peasant,
I cannot, I regret,
Deny a truth unpleasant,
I am that Baronet!

But when completely rated
Bad Baronet am I,
That I am what he’s stated
I’ll recklessly deny!

[Courtney] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 7:05 – 8:04)

When I’m a bad Bart, I will tell taradiddles!

He’ll tell taradiddles when he’s a bad Bart.

I’ll play a bad part on the falsest of fiddles,

On very false fiddles he’ll play a bad part!

But until that takes place I must be conscientious—

He’ll be conscientious until that takes place.

Then adieu with good grace to my morals sententious!

To morals sententious adieu with good grace!

[Heather/Gwen – incident 16.69] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 8:27 – 9:14)

Within this breast there beats a heart
Whose voice can’t be gainsaid.
It bade me thy true rank impart,
And I at once obeyed.
I knew ‘twould blight thy budding fate—
I knew ‘twould cause thee anguish great—
But did I therefore hesitate?
No! I at once obeyed!

[Gwen/Trent – incidents 16.49, 26.15] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 9:14 – 9:52)

Thou hadst my heart—
‘Twas quickly won!
But now we part—
Thy face I shun!

Go bend the knee
At Vice’s shrine,
Of life with me
All hope resign.

[Duncan/Courtney – incident 12.35] (recitative – from Finale Act I, MIDI file 10:27 – 10:43)

Oh, joy! With newly kindled rapture warmed,
I kneel before you!

I once disliked you; now that I’ve reformed,
How I adore you!

[hooked-up boys] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 11:19 – 11:33)

For happy the lily
That’s kissed by the bee;
And, sipping, tranquilly,
Quite happy is he;
And happy the filly
That neighs in her pride;
But happier than any,
A pound to a penny,
A lover is, when he
Embraces his bride!

[Courtney – incident 27.18] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 11:34 – 11:47)

Oh, happy the flowers
That blossom in June,
And happy the bowers
That gain by the boon,
But happier by hours
The man of descent,
Who, folly regretting,
Is bent on forgetting
His bad baronetting,
And means to repent!

[Gwen/Trent – incident 26.57] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 11:47 – 12:01)

Oh, happy the blossom
That blooms on the lea,
Likewise the opossum
That sits on a tree,
But when you come across ‘em,
They cannot compare
With those who are treading
The dance at a wedding,
While people are spreading
The best of good fare!

[ Harold – incident 22.15] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 12:02 – 12:14)

[Owen – incident 23.37]

Oh, wretched the debtor
Who’s signing a deed!
And wretched the letter
That no one can read!
But very much better
Their lot it must be
Than that of the person
I’m making this verse on,
Whose head there’s a curse on—
Alluding to me!

[Compiler’s signature] (no longer performed – from Opening Act II)

How providential when you find
The face an index to the mind,
And evil men compelled to call
Themselves by names like Gideon Crawle!

[Trent/Gwen – incident 26.58]

Happily coupled are we,
You see—
I am a jolly Jack Tar,
My star,
And you are the fairest,
The richest and rarest
Of innocent lasses you are,
By far,
Of innocent lasses you are!

Fanned by a favoring gale,
You’ll sail
Over life’s treacherous sea
With me,
And as for bad weather,
We’ll brave it together,
And you shall creep under my lee,
My wee!
And you shall creep under my lee!

For you are such a smart little craft—
Such a neat little, sweet little craft,
Such a bright little, tight little,
Slight little, light little,
Trim little, prim little craft!

My hopes will be blighted, I fear,
My dear!
In a month you’ll be going to sea,
Quite free,
And all of my wishes
You’ll throw to the fishes
As though they were never to be,
Poor me!
As though they were never to be.

And I shall be left all alone
To moan,
And weep at your cruel deceit,
While you’ll be asserting
Your freedom by flirting
With every woman you meet,
You cheat—
With every woman you meet!

Though I am such a smart little craft, etc.

[Trent/Gwen – incident 16.82]

In bygone days I had thy love
Thou hadst my heart.
But Fate, all human vows above,
Our lives did part!
By the old love thou hadst for me—
By the fond heart that beat for thee—
By joys that never now can be,
Grant thou my prayer!

[Heather – incident 23.18]

[Return of the Losers – incident 26.03]

Painted emblems of a race
All accurst in days of yore,
Each from his accustomed place
Steps into the world once more.

[castaways – incident 23.39] (from “Painted emblems of a race”, MIDI file 1:33 – 1:46)

[Heather – incident 25.28]

Baronet of Ruddigore,
Last of our accursed line,
Down upon the oaken floor—
Down upon those knees of thine.

[ D.J./Owen – incident 18.01] (from “Painted emblems of a race”, MIDI file 1:47 – 2:42)

[D.J. – incident 19.16]

Coward, poltroon, shaker, squeamer,
Blockhead, sluggard, dullard, dreamer,
Shirker, shuffler, crawler, creeper,
Sniffler, snuffler, wailer, weeper,
Earthworm, maggot, tadpole, weevil!
Set upon thy course of evil,
Lest the King of Specter-Land
Set on thee his grisly hand!

[Heather/Chef Hatchet – incident 19.17] (from “Painted emblems of a race”, MIDI file 2:26 – 3:11)

Heather & Hook

Gaunt vision, who art thou?

Beware! Beware! Beware!

Gaunt vision, who art thou
That thus, with icy glare
And stern relentless brow,
Appearest, who knows how?

I am the specter of the late
Sir Roderic Murgatroyd,
Who comes to warn thee that thy fate
Thou canst not now avoid.

[Gwen and her hometown buddies – nature and incident 27.12] (with opening recitative, MIDI file 3:12 – 5:55)

Alas, poor ghost!

The pity you
Express for nothing goes:
We specters are a jollier crew
Than you, perhaps, suppose!

When the night wind howls
In the chimney cowls,
And the bat in the moonlight flies,
And inky clouds,
Like funeral shrouds,
Sail over the midnight skies—
When the footpads quail
At the night-bird’s wail,
And black dogs bay at the moon,
Then is the specter’s holiday—then is the ghosts’ high noon!

As the sob of the breeze
Sweeps over the trees,
And the mists lie low on the fen,
From gray tombstones
Are gathered the bones
That once were women and men,
And away they go,
With a mop and a mow,
To the revel that ends too soon,
For cock-crow limits our holiday—the dead of the night’s high noon!

And then each ghost
With his lady-toast
To their churchyard beds takes flight,
With a kiss, perhaps,
On her lantern chaps,
And a grisly grim “good night”;
Till the welcome knell
Of the midnight bell
Rings forth its jolliest tune,
And ushers in our next high holiday—the dead of the night’s high noon!

[ Eva/Lindsay – incident 15.19]

[Duncan/Owen – incident 17.16]

He yields! He answers to our call!
We do not ask for more.
A sturdy fellow, after all,
This latest Ruddigore!
All perish in unheard-of woe
Who dare our wills defy:
We want your pardon, ere we go.
For having agonized you so—
So pardon us—
So pardon us—
So pardon us—
Or die!

[Heather – incident 23.22] (from “He yields!”, MIDI file 1:15 – 2:08)

Painted emblems of a race,
All accurst in days of yore,
Each to his accustomed place
Steps unwillingly once more!

[Courtney – incident 12.34] (with opening recitative)

Away, Remorse!
Compunction, hence!
Go, Moral Force!
Go, Penitence!
To Virtue’s plea
A long farewell—
I ring your knell!
Come, guiltiness of deadliest hue!
Come, desperate deeds of derring-do!

Henceforth all the crimes
That I find in the Times,
I’ve promised to perpetrate daily;
Tomorrow I start,
With a petrified heart,
On a regular course of Old Bailey.
There’s confidence tricking,
Bad coin, pocket picking,
And several other disgraces—
There’s postage stamp prigging,
And then, thimble-rigging,
The three-card delusion at races!
Oh! A baronet’s rank is exceedingly nice,
But the title’s uncommonly dear at the price!

[Cody, self-styled “cool kid”] (verse 2 from “Henceforth all the crimes”, MIDI file 1:09 – 1:43)

Ye well-to-do squires,
Who live in the shires,
Where petty distinctions are vital,
Who found Athenaeums
And local museums,
With views to a baronet’s title—
Ye butchers and bakers
And candlestick makers
Who sneer at all things that are tradey—
Whose middle-class lives
Are embarrassed by wives
Who long to parade as “My Lady”,
Oh! Allow me to offer a word of advice,
The title’s uncommonly dear at the price!

[Lindsay – incident 22.11] (verse 3 from “Henceforth all the crimes”, MIDI file 1:39 – 2:15)

Ye supple M.P.s
Who go down on your knees,
Your precious identity sinking,
And vote black or white
As your leaders indite
(Which saves you the trouble of thinking),
For your country’s good fame,
Her repute, or her shame,
You don’t care the snuff of a candle—
But you’re paid for your game
When you’re told that your name
Will be graced by a baronet’s handle—
Oh! Allow me to give you a word of advice—
The title’s uncommonly dear at the price!

[Gwen – incident 23.40]

I once was a very abandoned person

Making the most of evil chances,

Nobody could conceive a worse ‘un—

Even in all the old romances.

I blush for my wild extravagances,
But be so kind
To bear in mind,

We were the victims of circumstances!

[Izzy] (verse 2 from “I once was a very abandoned person”, MIDI file 1:13 – 1:57)

I was once an exceedingly odd young lady—

Suffering much from spleen and vapors.

Clergymen thought my conduct shady—

She didn’t spend much on linen-drapers.

It certainly entertained all the gapers.
My ways were strange
Beyond all range—

Paragraphs got in all the papers.

[Courtney – incident 27.21] (verse 3 from “I once was a very abandoned person”, MIDI file 1:58 – 2:44)

I’ve given up all my wild proceedings.

My taste for a wandering life is waning.

Now I’m a dab at penny readings.

They are not remarkably entertaining.

A moderate livelihood we’re gaining.

In fact, we rule
A National School.

The duties are dull, but I’m not complaining.

[Lindsay – incident 18.23]

Lindsay swearing

and make him an oration

My eyes are fully open to my awful situation—
I shall go at once to Roderic and make him an oration.
I shall tell him I’ve recovered my forgotten moral senses,
And I don’t care twopence-halfpenny for any consequences.
Now I do not want to perish by the sword or by the dagger,
But a martyr may indulge a little pardonable swagger,
And a word or two of compliment my vanity would flatter,
But I’ve got to die tomorrow, so it really doesn’t matter!

[Izzy – nature and incident 08.42] (verse 2 from “My eyes are fully open”, MIDI file 0:40 – 1:11)

If I were not a little mad and generally silly
I should give you my advice upon the subject, willy-nilly;
I should show you in a moment how to grapple with the question,
And you’d really be astonished at the force of my suggestion.
On the subject I shall write you a most valuable letter,
Full of excellent suggestions when I feel a little better,
But at present I’m afraid I am as mad as any hatter,
So I’ll keep ‘em to myself, for my opinion doesn’t matter!

[ Sadie – incident 06.04] (verse 3 from “My eyes are fully open”, MIDI file 1:12 – 1:54)

If I had been so lucky as to have a steady brother
Who could talk to me as we are talking now to one another—
Who could give me good advice when he discovered I was erring
(Which is just the very favor which on you I’m now conferring),
My story might have made a rather interesting idyll
And I might have lived and died a very decent indiwiddle.
This particularly rapid, unintelligible patter
Isn’t generally heard, and if it is it doesn’t matter!

[Gwen/Trent – incident 16.88]

Gwen wept

And her tears began to trickle

There grew a little flower
‘Neath a great oak tree:
When the tempest ‘gan to lower
Little heeded she:
No need had she to cower,
For she dreaded not its power—
She was happy in the bower
Of her great oak tree!

Sing hey,
Let the tears fall free
For the pretty little flower and her great oak tree!

When she found that he was fickle,
Was that great oak tree,
She was in a pretty pickle,
As she well might be—
But his gallantries were mickle,
For Death followed with his sickle,
And her tears began to trickle
For her great oak tree!

Sing hey, etc.

Said she, “He loved me never,
Did that great oak tree,
But I’m neither rich nor clever,
And so why should he?
But though fate our fortunes sever,
To be constant I’ll endeavor,
Aye, forever and forever,
To my great oak tree!”

Sing hey, etc.

[Gwen/Trent – incident 26.51] (Finale Act II)

When a man has been a naughty baronet,
And expresses his repentance and regret,
You should help him, if you’re able,
Like the mousie in the fable—
That’s the teaching of my Book of Etiquette!

[Ezekiel – incident 02.20] (from Finale Act II, MIDI file 0:18 – 0:31)

Having been a wicked baronet a week,
Once again a modest livelihood I seek,
Agricultural employment
Is to me a keen enjoyment,
For I’m naturally diffident and meek!

[Geoff – incidents 21.33, 22.04] (from Finale Act II, MIDI file 0:31 – 0:45)

If you ask me why I do not pipe my eye,
Like an honest British sailor, I reply,
That with Zorah for my missus,
There’ll be bread and cheese and kisses,
Which is just the sort of ration I enjye!

[Courtney – incident 27.19] (from Finale Act II, MIDI file 0:45 – 1:23)

Prompted by a keen desire to evoke
All the blessed calm of matrimony’s yoke,
We shall toddle off tomorrow
From this scene of sin and sorrow,
For to settle in the town of Basingstoke!


Verses from The Yeomen of the Guard

The only tragedy in the series. For a brief plot summary, see the “Introduction to Gilbert & Sullivan” section above. Click the links provided for a more detailed plot summary or the Short Attention Span summary.

[ Gwen – incident 16.54]

When maiden loves, she sits and sighs,
She wanders to and fro;
Unbidden tear-drops fill her eyes,
And to all questions she replies
With a sad “heigho!”
‘Tis but a little word—“heigho!”
So soft, ‘tis scarcely heard-“heigho!”
An idle breath—
Yet life and death
May hang upon a maid’s “heigho!”

[ Chef Hatchet – incident 12.06]

Tower Warders,
Under orders,
Gallant pikemen, valiant sworders!
Brave in bearing,
Foemen scaring,
In their bygone days of daring!
Ne’er a stranger
There to danger
Each was o’er the world a ranger;
To the story
Of our glory
Each a bold contributory!

In the autumn of our life,
Here at rest in ample clover,
We rejoice in telling over
Our impetuous May and June.
In the evening of our day,
With the sun of life declining,
We recall without repining
All the heat of bygone noon.

This the autumn of our life,
This the evening of our day;
Weary we of battle strife,
Weary we of mortal fray.
But our year is not so spent,
And our days are not so faded,
But that we with one consent,
Were our loved land invaded,
Still would face a foreign foe,
As in days of long ago.

[Gwen – incident 25.10]

When our gallant Norman foes
Made our merry land their own,
And the Saxons from the Conqueror were flying,
At his bidding it arose,
In its panoply of stone,
A sentinel unliving and undying.
Insensible, I trow,
As a sentinel should be,
Though a Queen to save her head should come a-suing.
But there’s a legend on its brow
Which is eloquent to me,
And it talks of duty done and duty doing:

[ Chris – incident 21.02] (from “When our gallant Norman foes”, MIDI file 1:49 – 2:44)

[Elimination ceremony - nature]

The Fallen

The flower of the brave

Within its wall of rock
The flower of the brave
Have perished with a constancy unshaken.
From the dungeon to the block,
From the scaffold to the grave,
Is a journey many gallant hearts have taken.
And the wicked flames may hiss
Round the heroes who have fought
For conscience and for home in all its beauty,
But the grim old fortalice
Takes little heed of aught
That comes not in the measure of his duty.

[Dare/punishment challenges – incidents 15.18, 25.14] (refrain from “When our gallant Norman foes”, MIDI file 2:44 – 3:55)

“The screw may twist and the rack may turn,
And men may bleed and men may burn,
O’er London town and its golden hoard
I keep my silent watch and ward!”

[ Beth – incident 09.06]

[ Duncan/Courtney – incident 12.19]

Alas, I waver to and fro!
Dark danger hangs upon the deed!

The scheme is rash and well may fail,
But ours are not the hearts that quail,
The hands that shrink, the cheeks that pale
In hours of need!

[Gwen – incident 19.30] (from “Alas, I waver to and fro”, MIDI file 0:52 – 2:11)

And shall I reckon risks I run
When services are to be done
To save the life of such a one?
Unworthy thought!
We may succeed—who can foretell?
May heaven help our hope—farewell!

[ LeShawna – incident 19.21]

[various eliminated campers]

Is life a boon?
If so, it must befall,
That Death, whene’er he call
Must call too soon.
Though fourscore years he give,
Yet one would pray to live
Another moon!
What kind of plaint have I,
Who perish in July?
I might have had to die,
Perchance, in June!

Is life a thorn?
Then count it not a whit!
Man is well done with it;
Soon as he’s born
He should all means essay
To put the plague away;
And I, war-worn,
Poor, captured fugitive,
My life most gladly give—
I might have had to live
Another morn!

[ Owen – nature and incident 23.02]

[ Geoff – nature]

Here’s a man of jollity,
Jibe, joke, jollify!
Give us of your quality,
Come, fool, follify!

Banish your timidity,
And with all rapidity,
Give us quip and quiddity
Willy-nilly, O!

[Owen – incident 23.09] (from “Here’s a man of jollity”, MIDI file 0:43 – 0:48)

[Duncan/Owen – incident 24.19]

River none can mollify—
Into it we throw
Fool who doesn’t follify,
Cock who doesn’t crow!

[ Cody/Gwen – nature and incident 08.09]

[Cody] . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [Gwen]

I have a song to sing, O!

Sing me your song, O!

It is sung to the moon
By a lovelorn loon
Who fled from the mocking throng, O!
It’s the song of the merryman, moping mum,
Whose soul was sad and whose glance was glum,
Who sipped no sup and who craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a lady!

I have a song to sing, O!

What is your song, O?

It is sung with the ring
Of the songs maids sing
Who love with a love life-long, O!
It’s the song of a merrymaid, peerly proud,
Who loved a lord and who laughed aloud
At the moan of the merryman, moping mum,
Whose soul was sad and whose glance was glum,
Who sipped no sup and who craved no crumb
As he sighed for the love of a lady!

[LeShawna/Harold – incident 13.09]

How say you, maiden, will you wed
A man about to lose his head?
For half an hour
You’ll be a wife,
And then the dower
Is yours for life.
A headless bridegroom why refuse?
If truth the poets tell,
Most bridegrooms, ere they marry, lose
Both head and heart as well!

[Gwen – incidents 20.07, 25.20] (from “How say you, maiden”, MIDI file 0:35 – 1:07)

Toilet drinking

A strange proposal

A strange proposal you reveal,
It almost makes my senses reel.
Alas! I’m very poor indeed,
And such a sum I sorely need.
My mother, sir, is like to die,
This money life may bring.
Bear this in mind, I pray, if I
Consent to do this thing!

[Owen – incident 10.06] (from “How say you, maiden”, MIDI file 1:36 – 2:53)

[Courtney – incident 12.18]


Temptation, oh, temptation

Temptation, oh, temptation,
Were we, I pray, intended
To shun, whate’er our station,
Your fascinations splendid;
Or fall, whene’er we view you,
Head over heels into you?

[ Noah – nature and incident 27.49]

I’ve jibe and joke
And quip and crank
For lowly folk
And men of rank
I ply my craft
And know no fear,
But aim my shaft
At prince or peer.

[Noah – nature and incident 22.06] (from “I’ve jibe and joke”, MIDI file 0:39 – 1:42)

I’ve wisdom from the East and from the West,
That’s subject to no academic rule;
You may find it in the jeering of a jest,
Or distill it from the folly of a fool.
I can teach you with a quip if I’ve a mind;
I can trick you into learning with a laugh;
Oh, winnow all my folly, and you’ll find
A grain or two of truth among the chaff!

I can set a braggart quailing with a quip,
The upstart I can wither with a whim;
He may wear a merry laugh upon his lip,
But his laughter has an echo that is grim!
When they’re offered to the world in merry guise,
Unpleasant truths are swallowed with a will—
For he who’d make his fellow creatures wise
Should always gild the philosophic pill!

[Gwen/Trent – incident 16.89] (from “Tis done! I am a bride”, MIDI file 0:48 – 3:06)

Though tear and long-drawn sigh
Ill fit a bride,
No sadder wife than I
The whole world wide!
Ah me! Ah me!
Yet maids there be
Who would consent to lose
The very rose of youth,
The flower of life,
To be, in honest truth,
A wedded wife,
No matter whose!

[Incident 16.89 continued]

[LeShawna/Harold – incident 13.17] (from “Tis done! I am a bride”, MIDI file 1:42 – 3:06)

Ere half an hour has rung,
A widow I!
Ah, heaven, he is too young,
Too brave to die!
Ah me! Ah me!
Yet wives there be
So weary worn, I trow,
That they would scarce complain,
So that they could
In half an hour attain
To widowhood,
No matter how!

[ Heather/Duncan – incident 24.34]

Were I thy bride,
Then all the world beside
Were not too wide
To hold thy wealth of love—
Were I thy bride!

Upon thy breast
My loving head would rest,
As on her nest
The tender turtle dove—
Were I thy bride!

This heart of mine
Would be one heart with thine,
And in that shrine
Our happiness would dwell—
Were I thy bride!

And all day long
Our lives should be a song:
No grief, no wrong
Should make my heart rebel—
Were I thy bride!

The silvery flute,
The melancholy lute,
Were night-owl’s hoot
To my low-whispered coo—
Were I thy bride!

The skylark’s trill
Were but discordance shrill
To the soft thrill
Of wooing as I’d woo—
Were I thy bride!

The rose’s sigh
Were as a carrion’s cry
To lullaby
Such as I’d sing to thee,
Were I thy bride!

A feather’s press
Were leaden heaviness
To my caress.
But then, of course, you see,
I’m not thy bride!

[ Eva – incident 15.09] (Finale Act I – ironically in TDI)

Oh, Sergeant Meryll, is it true
The welcome news we read in orders?
Thy son, whose deeds of derring-do
Are echoed all the country through,
Has come to join the Tower Warders?
If so, we come to meet him,
That we may fitly greet him,
And welcome his arrival here
With shout on shout and cheer on cheer.
Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!

[Chef Hatchet/Gwen – incident 12.42] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 1:04 – 1:37)

Ye Tower Warders, nursed in war’s alarms,
Suckled on gunpowder, and weaned on glory,
Behold my son, whose all-subduing arms
Have formed the theme of many a song and story
Forgive his aged father’s pride; nor jeer
His aged father’s sympathetic tear!

[Eva – incident 15.16] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 1:38 – 2:33)

Leonard Meryll!
Leonard Meryll!
Dauntless he in time of peril!
Man of power,
Knighthood’s flower
Welcome to the grim old Tower,
To the Tower, welcome thou!

[ Mr. Coconut, war hero – incident 23.45]

Forbear, my friends, and spare me this ovation,
I have small claim to such consideration;
The tales that of my prowess are narrated
Have been prodigiously exaggerated!

[Beth – incident 09.07] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 2:50 – 3:10)

[Geoff – incident 21.21]

Didst thou not, oh, Leonard Meryll,
Standard lost in last campaign,
Rescue it at deadly peril—
Bear it safely back again?

[ Izzy – incident 17.20] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 3:10 – 3:28)

[LeShawna – incident 19.20]

Didst thou not, when prisoner taken,
And debarred from all escape,
Face with gallant heart unshaken,
Death in most appalling shape?

[Harold – incident 04.18]

[Izzy – incident 17.21] (no longer performed – verse 3 of “Didst thou not, oh, Leonard Meryll” from Finale Act I)

You, when brought to execution
Like a demigod of yore,
With heroic resolution
Snatched a sword and killed a score.

[Gwen – incident 19.33] (no longer performed – verse 4 of “Didst thou not, oh, Leonard Meryll” from Finale Act I)

Then, escaping from the foemen
Boltered with the blood you shed,
You, defiant, fearing no men,
Saved your honor and your head!

[Izzy – incident 15.12] (no longer performed – verse 5 of “Didst thou not, oh, Leonard Meryll” from Finale Act I)

True, my course with judgement shaping,
Favored, too, by lucky star,
I succeeded in escaping
Prison bolt and prison bar!

[Cody/Trent/Gwen – incident 08.31] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 6:46 – 9:10)

Cody Gwen Trent

She shall not quit thy side!

To thy fraternal care
Thy sister I commend;
From every lurking snare
Thy lovely charge defend:
And to achieve this end,
Oh, grant, I pray, this boon—
She shall not quit thy sight:
From morn to afternoon—
From afternoon to night—
From seven o’clock to two—
From two to eventide—
From dim twilight to ‘lev’n at night
She shall not quit thy side!

So amiable I’ve grown,
So innocent as well,
That if I’m left alone
The consequences fell
No mortal can foretell.
So grant, I pray, this boon—
I shall not quit thy sight:
From morn to afternoon—
From afternoon to night—
From seven o’clock to two—
From two to eventide—
From dim twilight to ‘lev’n at night
I shall not quit thy side.

With brotherly readiness,
For my fair sister’s sake,
At once I answer “Yes”—
That task I undertake—
My word I never break.
I freely grant that boon,
And I’ll repeat my plight.
From morn to afternoon— . . . . . . . . . . .[kiss]
From afternoon to night— . . . . . . . . . . . [kiss]
From seven o’clock to two— . . . . . . . . . [kiss]
From two to evening meal— . . . . . . . . . [kiss]
From dim twilight to ‘lev’n at night
That compact I will seal. . . . . . . . . . . . . [kiss]

[Elimination Ceremony – nature and incident 02.18] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 9:24 – 11:00)

The prisoner comes to meet his doom;
The block, the headsman, and the tomb.
The funeral bell begins to toll—
May Heaven have mercy on his soul!

[ Bridgette – incident 17.34] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 11:01 – 12:11)

[Geoff – incident 21.31]

Oh, Mercy, thou whose smile has shone
So many a captive heart upon;
Of all immured within these walls,
Today the very worthiest falls!

[ RCMP – incident 15.13] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 12:46 – 12:53)

[Chef Hatchet – incident 17.25]

[Chris – incident 18.06]

We hunted high, we hunted low,
We hunted here, we hunted there—
The man we sought with anxious care
Had vanished into empty air!

[Heather/Beth – incident 09.15] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 13:12 – 13:37)

Astounding news! The prisoner fled!
Thy life shall forfeit be instead!

My lord, I did not set him free,
I hate the man—my rival he!

[Chris – incident 08.46] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 14:02 – 14:14)

All frenzied with despair I rave,
The grave is cheated of its due.
Who is the misbegotten knave
Who hath contrived this deed to do?

[Chris – incident 17.11] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 14:15 – 15:24)

Let search be made throughout the land,
Or his vindictive anger dread—
A thousand marks to him he’ll hand
Who brings him here, alive or dead.

[Duncan/Chef Hatchet – incident 12.38] (MIDI file 0:57 – 1:39)

[Izzy/RCMP – incident 15.11]

Night has spread her pall once more,
And the prisoner still is free:
Open is his dungeon door,
Useless now his dungeon key!
He has shaken off his yoke—
How, no mortal man can tell!
Shame on loutish jailer folk—
Shame on sleepy sentinel!

[Chef Hatchet – incident 12.20] (from “Night has spread her pall once more”, MIDI file 1:40 – 2:20)

Warders are ye?
Whom do ye ward?
Bolt, bar, and key,
Shackle and cord,
Fetter and chain,
Dungeon of stone,
All are in vain—
Prisoner’s flown!
Spite of ye all, he is free—he is free!
Whom do ye ward? Pretty warders are ye!

[RCMP – incident 15.14] (from “Night has spread her pall once more”, MIDI file 2:21 – 2:39)

[Chef Hatchet – incident 17.26]

Up and down, and in and out,
Here and there, and round about;
Every chamber, every house,
Every chink that holds a mouse,
Every crevice in the keep,
Where a beetle black could creep,
Every outlet, every drain,
Have we searched, but all in vain.

[Geoff or Owen]

Oh, a private buffoon
Is a light-hearted loon,
If you listen to popular rumor;
From the morn to the night
He’s so joyous and bright,
And he bubbles with wit and good humor!
He’s so quaint and so terse,
Both in prose and in verse;
Yet though people forgive his transgression,
There are one or two rules
That all family fools
Must observe if they love their profession.

[ Critics and Broadcast standards ] (verse 2 from “A private buffoon”, MIDI file 0:35 – 1:05)

If you wish to succeed
As a jester, you’ll need
To consider each person’s auricular:
What is all right for B
Would quite scandalize C
(For C is so very particular);
And D may be dull,
And E’s very thick skull
Is as empty of brains as a ladle;
While F is F sharp,
And will cry with a carp
That he’s known your best joke from his cradle!
When your humor they flout,
You can’t let yourself go;
And it does put you out
When a person says, “Oh,
I have known that old joke from my cradle!”

[Heather/Izzy/Owen – incident 06.09] (verse 3 from “A private buffoon”, MIDI file 1:05 – 1:15)

If your master is surly,
From getting up early
(And tempers are short in the morning),
An inopportune joke
Is enough to provoke
Him to give you, at once, a month’s warning.

[Courtney/Duncan – incident 06.06] (verse 4 from “A private buffoon”, MIDI file 1:32 – 2:02)

Comes a Bishop, maybe,
Or a solemn D.D.
Oh, beware of his anger provoking!
Better not pull his hair—
Don’t stick pins in his chair;
He don’t understand practical joking.
If the jests that you crack
Have an orthodox smack,
You may get a bland smile from these sages;
But should they, by chance,
Be imported from France,
Half a crown is stopped out of your wages!

[Harold/Heather – incident 27.68] (verse 5 from “A private buffoon”, MIDI file 2:00 – 2:39)

Though your head it may rack
With a bilious attack,
And your senses with toothache you’re losing,
Don’t be mopy and flat—
They don’t fine you for that,
If you’re properly quaint and amusing!
Though your wife ran away
With a soldier that day,
And took with her your trifle of money;
Bless your heart, they don’t mind—
They’re exceedingly kind—
They don’t blame you—as long as you’re funny!
It’s a comfort to feel,
If your partner should flit,
Though you suffer a deal,
They don’t mind a bit—
They don’t blame you—as long as you’re funny!

[Heather/Lindsay – incident 16.19]

Hereupon we’re both agreed,
All that we two
Do agree to
We’ll secure by solemn deed,
To prevent all
Error mental.

[Courtney/Duncan – incident 06.14] (from “Hereupon we’re both agreed”, MIDI file 0:12 – 0:43)

You on Elsie are to call
With a story
Grim and gory

How this Fairfax died, and all
I declare to,
You will swear to.

Tell a tale of cock and bull,
Of convincing detail full
Tale tremendous,
Heaven defend us!
What a tale of cock and bull!

[Geoff/Gwen – incidents 21.20, 21.22] (from “Hereupon we’re both agreed”, MIDI file 0:43 – 1:04)

[Geoff – incident 21.20] . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .[Gwen – incident 21.22]

In return for my own part . . . . . . . . . . . . . . In return for your own part
I am making . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . You are making
Undertaking . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Undertaking
To instruct you in the art . . . . . . . . . . . . . . To instruct me in the art
(Art amazing, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . (Art amazing,
Wonder raising) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wonder raising)
Of a jester, jesting free.
Proud position—
High ambition!

And a lively one I’ll be,
Never flagging.

[Heather/Lindsay – incident 16.20] (refrain from “Hereupon we’re both agreed”, MIDI file 1:05 – 1:40)

[Chris – nature]

Tell a tale of cock and bull,
Of convincing detail full
Tale tremendous,
Heaven defend us!
What a tale of cock and bull!

[Duncan – incident 12.52]

Free from his fetters grim
Free to depart;
Free both in life and limb—
In all but heart!
Bound to an unknown bride
For good or ill;
Ah, is not one so tied
A prisoner still?

Free, yet in fetters held
Till his last hour,
Gyves that no smith can weld,
No rust devour!
Although a monarch’s hand
Had set him free,
Of all the captive band
The saddest he!

[LeShawna/Harold – incident 13.13] (verse 2 from “Strange adventure”, MIDI file 0:58 – 2:17)

Harold & Leshawna

While the funeral bell is tolling

Strange adventure that we’re trolling:
Modest maid and gallant groom—
While the funeral bell is tolling,
Tolling, tolling, Bim-a-boom!
Modest maiden will not tarry;
Though but sixteen years she carry,
She must marry, she must marry,
Though the altar be a tomb!

[LeShawna – incident 16.06] (from scene: “Hark! What was that, Sir?”, MIDI file 0:19 – 0:46)

[Owen – incident 23.25]

Now what can that have been—
A shot so late at night,
Enough to cause a fright!
What can the portent mean?

Are foemen in the land?
Is London to be wrecked?
What are we to expect?
What danger is at hand?
Let us understand
What danger is at hand!

[Gwen/Sasquatchanakwa – incident 24.24] (from scene: “Hark! What was that, Sir?”, MIDI file 1:01 – 1:36)

Gwen & sasquatch

In a rough-and-tumble smother

Like a ghost his vigil keeping—

Or a specter all-appalling—

I beheld a figure creeping—

I should rather call it crawling—

He was creeping—

He was crawling—

He was creeping, creeping—


He was creeping—

He was crawling—

He was creeping, creeping—


Not a moment’s hesitation—
I myself upon him flung,
With a hurried exclamation
To his draperies I hung;
Then we closed with one another
In a rough-and-tumble smother;
Colonel Fairfax and no other
Was the man to whom I clung!

[Gwen/Sasquatchanakwa – incident 24.25] (from scene: “Hark! What was that, Sir?”, MIDI file 1:37 – 1:54)

After mighty tug and tussle—

It resembled more a struggle—

He by dint of stronger muscle—

Or by some infernal juggle

From my clutches quickly sliding—

I should rather call it slipping—

With a view, no doubt, of hiding—

Or escaping to the shipping—

With a gasp, and with a quiver—

I’d describe it as a shiver—

Down he dived into the river,
And, alas, I cannot swim.

[Duncan/Owen – incident 24.20] (from scene: “Hark! What was that, Sir?”, MIDI file 1:54 – 2:00)

It’s enough to make one shiver—
With a gasp and with a quiver,
Down he dived into the river;
It was very brave of him!

[Owen – incident 06.05] (from scene: “Hark! What was that, Sir?”, MIDI file 2:01 – 2:49)

Ingenuity is catching;
With the view my King of pleasing,
Arquebus from sentry snatching—

I should rather call it seizing—

With an ounce or two of lead
I dispatched him through the head!

I discharged it without winking,
Little time I lost in thinking,
Like a stone I saw him sinking—

I should say a lump of lead!

Like a stone, my boy, I said—

Like a heavy lump of lead.

Like a stone, my boy, I said—

Like a heavy lump of lead.

Anyhow, the man is dead,
Whether stone or lump of lead!

Anyhow, the man is dead,
Whether stone or lump of lead!
Arquebus from sentry seizing,
With the view his king of pleasing,
Wilfred shot him through the head,
And he’s very, very dead.
And it matters very little whether stone or lump of lead;
It is very, very certain that he’s very, very dead!

[Harold – incident 04.19] (from scene: “Hark! What was that, Sir?”, MIDI file 3:10 – 3:52)

[Duncan – incident 19.25]

[Gwen – incident 19.35]

Hail the valiant fellow who
Did this deed of derring-do!
Honors wait on such a one;
By my head, ‘twas bravely done!
Now, by my head, ‘twas bravely done!

[ D.J./Geoff – incident 08.15]

A man who would woo a fair maid
Should ‘prentice himself to the trade,
And study all day,
In methodical way,
How to flatter, cajole, and persuade;
He should ‘prentice himself at fourteen,
And study from morning to e’en;
And when he’s of age,
If he will, I’ll engage,
He may capture the heart of a queen!

It is purely a matter of skill,
Which all may attain if they will:
But every Jack,
He must study the knack
If he wants to make sure of his Jill!

If he’s made the best use of his time,
His twig he’ll so carefully lime
That every bird
Will come down at his word,
Whatever its plumage or clime.
He must learn that the thrill of a touch
May mean little, or nothing, or much:
It’s an instrument rare,
To be handled with care,
And ought to be treated as such.

It is purely a matter of skill, etc.

Then a glance may be timid or free,
It will vary in mighty degree,
From an impudent stare
To a look of despair
That no maid without pity can see!
And a glance of despair is no guide—
It may have its ridiculous side;
It may draw you a tear
Or a box on the ear;
You can never be sure till you’ve tried!

It is purely a matter of skill, etc.

[hooked-up boys]

When a wooer
Goes a-wooing,
Naught is truer
Than his joy.

Maiden hushing
All his suing—
Boldly blushing—
Bravely coy!

Oh, the happy days of doing!
Oh, the sighing and the suing!
When a wooer goes a-wooing,
Oh, the sweets that never cloy!

[Gwen – incident 16.41] (from “When a wooer goes a-wooing”, MIDI file 0:47 – 1:31)

When a brother
Leaves his sister
For another,
Sister weeps.
Tears that trickle,
Tears that blister—
‘Tis but mickle
Sister reaps!

Oh, the doing and undoing,
Oh, the sighing and the suing,
When a brother goes a-wooing,
And a sobbing sister weeps!

[Owen – incident 04.21] (from “When a wooer goes a-wooing”, MIDI file 1:32 – 1:56)

When a jester
Is outwitted,
Feelings fester,
Heart is lead!
Food for fishes
Only fitted,
Jester wishes
He was dead!

[Heather/Trent – incident 16.36]

[Heather] (sarcastically in TDI) . . . . . . . . . . . . [Trent] (in earnest)

Rapture, rapture
When love’s votary,
Flushed with capture,
Seeks the notary,
Joy and jollity
Then is polity;
Reigns frivolity!
Rapture, rapture!

Doleful, doleful!
When humanity
With its soul full
Of satanity,
Courting privity,
Down declivity
Seeks captivity!
Doleful, doleful!

Joyful, joyful,
When virginity
Seeks, all coyful,
Man’s affinity;
Fate all flowery,
Bright and bowery,
Is her dowery!
Joyful, joyful!

Ghastly, ghastly!
When man, sorrowful,
Firstly, lastly,
Of tomorrow full,
After tarrying,
Yields to harrying—
Goes a-marrying.
Ghastly, ghastly!

[Bridgette/Geoff – incident 27.29] (Elegiacs – Finale Act II)

Comes the pretty young bride, a-blushing, timidly shrinking—
Set all thy fears aside—cheerily, pretty young bride!
Brave is the youth to whom thy lot thou art willingly linking!
Flower of valor is he—loving as loving can be!
Brightly thy summer is shining,
Fair as the dawn of the day;
Take him, be true to him—
Tender his due to him—
Honor him, love and obey!

[Gwen – incident 16.14] (from Finale Act II, MIDI file 1:09 – 2:11)

‘Tis said that joy in full perfection
Comes only once to womankind—
That, other times, on close inspection,
Some lurking bitter we shall find.
If this be so, and men say truly,
My day of joy has broken duly.
With happiness my soul is cloyed—
This is my joy-day unalloyed!

[Courtney – incident 12.55] (from Finale Act II, MIDI file 4:13 – 5:08)

Leonard, my loved one—come to me.
They bear me hence away!
But though they take me far from thee,
My heart is thine for aye!
My bruised heart,
My broken heart,
Is thine, my own, for aye!

[Gwen/Cody – incident 08.36] (from Finale Act II, MIDI file 7:23 – 9:12)

Grateful Gwen

the song of a merrymaid

I have a song to sing, O!

What is your song, O?

It is sung with the ring
Of the songs maids sing
Who love with a love life-long, O!
It’s the song of a merrymaid, nestling near,
Who loved her lord—but who dropped a tear
At the moan of the merryman, moping mum,
Whose soul was sad and whose glance was glum,
Who sipped no sup and who craved no crumb
As he sighed for the love of a lady!


Verses from The Gondoliers

Gilbert and Sullivan's last hit. For a brief plot summary, see the “Introduction to Gilbert & Sullivan” section above. Click the links provided for a more detailed plot summary or the Short Attention Span summary.

[ Gwen – nature and incident 08.23]

[ Owen – incident 20.01]

List and learn, ye dainty roses,
Roses white and roses red,
Why we bind you into posies
Ere your morning bloom has fled.
By a law of maiden’s making,
Accents of a heart that’s aching,
Even though that heart be breaking,
Should by maiden be unsaid:
Though they love with love exceeding,
They must seem to be unheeding—
Go ye then and do their pleading,
Roses white and roses red!

[Boys – incident 15.03] (from Opening, MIDI file 4:30 – 6:07)

[ Duncan/Owen – incident 24.22]

For the merriest fellows are we,
That ply on the emerald sea;
With loving and laughing
And quipping and quaffing,
We’re happy as happy can be—
As happy as happy can be!

With sorrow we’ve nothing to do,
And care is a thing to pooh-pooh;
And Jealousy yellow,
Unfortunate fellow,
We drown in the shimmering blue—
We drown in the shimmering blue!

[ Trent ] (from Opening, MIDI file 8:45 – 10:56)

We’re called gondolieri,
But that’s a vagary,
It’s quite honorary
The trade that we ply.
For gallantry noted
Since we were short-coated,
To beauty devoted,
Are Marco and I;

When morning is breaking,
Our couches forsaking,
To greet their awaking
With carols we come,
At summer day’s nooning,
When weary lagooning,
Our mandolins tuning,
We lazily thrum.

When vespers are ringing,
To hope ever clinging,
With songs of our singing
A vigil we keep,
When daylight is fading,
Enwrapt in night’s shading,
With soft serenading
We sing them to sleep.

[campers/Sasquatchanakwa – incident 24.26] (from Opening, MIDI file 12:04 – 12:20)

Are you peeping?
Can you see me?

Dark I’m keeping,
Dark and dreamy!

If you’re blinded
Truly, say so.
All right-minded
Players play so!

[ Justin – incident 03.20] (from Opening, MIDI file 12:21 – 12:27)

[original “Haute Camp-ture” synopsis – incident 22.44]

[Gwen – incident 24.37]

Conduct shady!
They are cheating!
Surely they de-
Serve a beating!

This too much is;
Maidens mocking
Conduct such is
Truly shocking!

[ Harold – incident 13.07] (from Opening, MIDI file 12:27 – 12:40)

[Owen – incident 24.13]

You can spy, sir!
Shut your eye, sir!
You may use it by and by, sir!
You can see, sir!
Don’t tell me, sir!
That will do—now let it be, sir!

[hooked-up boys] (from Opening, MIDI file 12:41 – 13:07)

My papa, he keeps three horses,
Black and white and dapple-gray, sir;
Turn three times then take your courses;
Catch whichever girl you may, sir!

[ Izzy/Katie/Sadie/Chris – incident 02.03] (from Opening, MIDI file 13:35 – 13:51)

If you’d rather change—

My goodness!
This indeed is simple rudeness.
I’ve no preference whatever—
Listen to him! Well, I never!

[Gwen/Trent – incident 16.15] (from Opening, MIDI file 13:52 – 14:28)

Thank you, gallant gondolieri,
In a set and formal measure
It is scarcely necessary
To express our pleasure.
Each of us to prove a treasure,
Conjugal and monetary
Gladly will devote our leisure,
Gay and gallant gondolieri.

[ Lindsay/Tyler – incident 01.34] (from Opening, MIDI file 15:34 – 16:05)

Fate in this has put his finger—
Let us bow to Fate’s decree,
Then no longer let us linger,
To the altar hurry we!

[Castaways – incident 23.10]

From the sunny Spanish shore,
The Duke of Plaza-Tor’—

And His Grace’s Duchess true—
And His Grace’s daughter, too—
And His Grace’s private drum
To Venetia’s shores have come:

If ever, ever, ever
They get back to Spain,
They will never, never, never
Cross the sea again!

[ Heather – incident 23.11] (from “From the sunny Spanish shore”, MIDI file 0:58 – 1:38)

Neither that Grandee from the Spanish shore,
The noble Duke of Plaza-Tor’—

Nor his Grace’s Duchess, staunch and true—
You may add, His Grace’s daughter, too—
Nor His Grace’s own particular drum
To Venetia’s shores will come:

If ever, ever, ever
They get back to Spain,
They will never, never, never
Cross the sea again!

[ D.J. ]

In enterprise of martial kind,
When there was any fighting,
He led his regiment from behind—
He found it less exciting.
But when away his regiment ran,
His place was at the fore, O—
That celebrated,
The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

In first and foremost flight, ha, ha!
You always found that knight, ha, ha!
That celebrated,
The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

[ LeShawna – incident 17.27] (verse 2 from “In enterprise of martial kind”, MIDI file 0:31 – 1:01)

When, to evade Destruction’s hand,
To hide they all proceeded,
No soldier in the gallant band
Hid half as well as he did.
He lay concealed throughout the war,
And so preserved his gore, O!
That unaffected,
The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

In every doughty deed, ha, ha!
He always took the lead, ha, ha!
That unaffected,
The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

[ Ezekiel – incident 02.16] (verse 3 from “In enterprise of martial kind”, MIDI file 1:01 – 1:46)

[Lindsay – incident 22.07]

When told that they would all be shot
Unless they left the service,
That hero hesitated not,
So marvelous his nerve is.
He sent his resignation in,
The first of all his corps, O!
That very knowing,
The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

To men of grosser clay, ha, ha!
He always showed the way, ha, ha!
That very knowing,
The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

[Gwen/Trent – incident 16.17]

O rapture, when alone together
Two loving hearts and those that bear them
May join in temporary tether,
Though Fate apart should rudely tear them.

Necessity, invention’s mother,
Compelled me to a course of feigning—
But, left alone with one another,
I will atone for my disdaining!
Ah, well-beloved,
Mine angry frown
Is but a gown
That serves to dress
My gentleness!

Ah, well-beloved,
Thy cold disdain,
It gives no pain—
‘Tis mercy, played
In masquerade!

[Gwen/Trent – incident 16.39]

There was a time
A time forever gone—ah, woe is me!
It was no crime
To love but thee alone—ah, woe is me!
One heart, one life, one soul,
One aim, one goal—
Each in the other’s thrall,
Each all in all, ah, woe is me!

Oh, bury, bury—let the grave close o’er
The days that were—that never will be more!
Oh, bury, bury love that all condemn,
And let the whirlwind mourn its requiem!

Dead as the last year’s leaves—
As gathered flowers—ah, woe is me!
Dead as the garnered sheaves,
That love of ours—ah, woe is me!
Born but to fade and die
When hope was high,
Dead and as far away
As yesterday—ah, woe is me!

Oh, bury, bury—let the grave close o’er, etc.

[Duncan/Bunny II – incident 11.25]

I stole the Prince, and I brought him here,
And left him gaily prattling
With a highly respectable gondolier,
Who promised the Royal babe to rear
And teach him the trade of a timoneer
With his own beloved bratling.
Both the babes were strong and stout
And, considering all things, clever.
Of that there is no manner of doubt—
No probable, possible shadow of doubt—
No possible doubt whatever.

[ Bunny/Bunny II – incident 11.19] (verse 2 from “I stole the Prince”, MIDI file 0:39 – 1:12)

[Katie/Sadie – nature and incident 21.24]

But owing, I’m much disposed to fear,
To his terrible taste for tippling,
That highly respectable gondolier
Could never declare with a mind sincere
Which of the two was his offspring dear,
And which the Royal stripling!
Which was which he could never make out
Despite his best endeavor.
Of that there is no manner of doubt—
No probable, possible shadow of doubt—
No possible doubt whatever.

[ Geoff/Bunny – incident 11.12] (verse 3 from “I stole the Prince”, MIDI file 1:12 – 1:44)

End of Bunny

That gondolier had perished!

Time sped, and when at the end of a year,
I sought that infant cherished,
That highly respectable gondolier
Was lying a corpse on his humble bier—
I dropped a Grand Inquisitor’s tear—
That gondolier had perished!
A taste for drink, combined with gout,
Had doubled him up forever.
Of that there is no manner of doubt—
No probable, possible shadow of doubt—
No possible doubt whatever.

[Bunny/Bunny II – incident 11.20] (verse 4 from “I stole the Prince”, MIDI file 1:45 – 2:26)

[Katie/Sadie – nature and incident 21.25]

The children followed the old career—
(This statement can’t be parried)
Of a highly respectable gondolier:
Well, one of the two (who will soon be here)—
But which of the two it is not quite clear—
Is the Royal Prince you married!
Search in and out and round about,
And you’ll discover never
A tale so free from every doubt—
All probable, possible shadow of doubt—
All possible doubt whatever!

[Lindsay – incident 18.19] (recitative, MIDI file 0:26 – 0:48)

[Heather – incident 25.40]

Submit to Fate without unseemly wrangle:
Such complications frequently occur—
Life is one closely complicated tangle;
Death is the only true unraveller!

[Lindsay – incident 18.18] (MIDI file 0:49 – 1:04)

[Geoff/Gwen – incident 21.32]

Try we life-long, we can never
Straighten out life’s tangled skein,
Why should we, in vain endeavor,
Guess and guess and guess again?

[Geoff/Owen – nature and incident 21.05] (from “Try we life-long”, MIDI file 1:05 – 1:41)

Life’s a pudding full of plums,
Care’s a canker that benumbs.
Wherefore waste our elocution
On impossible solution?
Life’s a pleasant institution,
Let us take it as it comes.

[Lindsay – incident 18.30] (from “Try we life-long”, MIDI file 1:42 – 2:03)

[Izzy – incident 20.20]

Set aside the dull enigma,
We shall guess it all too soon,
Failure brings no kind of stigma—
Dance we to another tune!

[Incident 20.20 continued] (from “Try we life-long”, MIDI file 2:04 – 3:01)

[Geoff/Owen – nature and incident 21.06]

String the lyre and fill the cup,
Lest on sorrow we should sup.
Hop and skip to Fancy’s fiddle,
Hands across and down the middle—
Life’s perhaps the only riddle
That we shrink from giving up!

[hooked-up girls] (MIDI file 0:43 – 3:25)

When a merry maiden marries,
Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries;
Every sound becomes a song,
All is right, and nothing’s wrong!
From today and ever after
Let our tears be tears of laughter.
Every sigh that finds a vent
Be a sigh of sweet content!
When you marry, merry maiden,
Then the air with love is laden;
Every flower is a rose,
Every goose becomes a swan,
Every kind of trouble goes
Where last year’s snows have gone!

Sunlight takes the place of shade
When you marry, merry maid!

When a merry maiden marries,
Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries;
Every sound becomes a song,
All is right and nothing’s wrong.
Gnawing Care and aching Sorrow,
Get ye gone until tomorrow!
Jealousies in grim array,
Ye are things of yesterday!
When you marry, merry maiden,
Then the air with joy is laden;
All the corners of the earth
Ring with music sweetly played,
Worry is melodious mirth,
Grief is joy in masquerade.

Sullen night is laughing day—
All the year is merry May!

[Gwen – incident 16.75] (Finale Act I)

Kind sir, you cannot have the heart
Our lives to part
From those to whom an hour ago
We were united!
Before our flowing hopes you stem,
Ah, look at them,
And pause before you deal this blow,
All uninvited!
You men can never understand
That heart and hand
Cannot be separated when
We go a-yearning;
You see, you’ve only women’s eyes
To idolize
And only women’s hearts, poor men,
To set you burning!
Ah me, you men will never understand
That woman’s heart is one with woman’s hand!

Some kind of charm you seem to find
In womankind—
Some source of unexplained delight
(Unless you’re jesting),
But what attracts you, I confess,
I cannot guess,
To me a woman’s face is quite
If from my sister I were torn
It could be borne—
I should, no doubt, be horrified,
But I could bear it;
But Marco’s quite another thing—
He is my King,
He has my heart and none beside
Shall ever share it!
Ah me, you men will never understand
That woman’s heart is one with woman’s hand!

[ Beth/Lindsay – incident 03.12] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 2:55 – 5:28)

[Lindsay – incident 27.48]


Then one of us will be a Queen

Then one of us will be a Queen,
And sit on a golden throne,
With a crown instead
Of a hat on her head,
And diamonds all her own!
With a beautiful robe of gold and green,
I’ve always understood;
I wonder whether
She’d wear a feather?
I rather think she should!

Oh, ‘tis a glorious thing, I ween,
To be a regular Royal Queen!
No half-and-half affair, I mean,
But a right-down regular Royal Queen!

She’ll drive about in a carriage and pair,
With the King on her left-hand side,
And a milk-white horse,
As a matter of course,
Whenever she wants to ride.
With beautiful silver shoes to wear
Upon her dainty feet;
With endless stocks
Of beautiful frocks
And as much as she wants to eat!

Oh, ‘tis a glorious thing, I ween, etc.

Whenever she condescends to walk,
Be sure she’ll shine at that.
With her haughty stare
And her nose in the air,
Like a well-born aristocrat!
At elegant high society talk
She’ll bear away the bell,
With her “How de do?”
And her “How are you?”
And “I trust I see you well?”

Oh, ‘tis a glorious thing, I ween, etc.

And noble lords will scrape and bow,
And double themselves in two,
And open their eyes
In blank surprise
At whatever she likes to do.
And everybody will roundly vow
She’s fair as flowers in May,
And say, “How clever!”
At whatsoever
She condescends to say!

Oh, ‘tis a glorious thing, I ween, etc.

[ Chef Hatchet/Courtney – incident 12.39] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 5:29 – 5:45)

[Heather – incident 26.39]

Now, pray, what is the cause of this remarkable hilarity?
This sudden ebullition of unmitigated jollity?
Has anybody blessed you with a sample of his charity?
Or have you been adopted by a gentleman of quality?

[Katie/Sadie – incident 22.39] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 5:46 – 6:19)

Katie & Sadie floating

As one individual

Replying, we


one indi-


I find I’m a

To my

kingdom I

bid you all.
I’m a-

ware you ob-

To pa-

villions and

But you’ll

find I re-

Your Re-



[Beth – incident 27.24] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 6:35 – 8:10)

For every one who feels inclined,
Some post we’ll undertake to find
Congenial with his frame of mind—
And all shall equal be.

The Chancellor in his peruke—
The Earl, the Marquis, and the Dook,
The Groom, the Butler, and the Cook—
They all shall equal be.

The Aristocrat who banks with Couts—
The Aristocrat who hunts and shoots—
The Aristocrat who cleans our boots—
They all shall equal be!

The Noble Lord who rules the State—
The Noble Lord who cleans the plate—

The Noble Lord who scrubs the grate—
They all shall equal be!

The Lord High Bishop orthodox—
The Lord High Coachman on the box—

The Lord High Vagabond in the stocks—
They all shall equal be!

Sing high, sing low,
Wherever they go,
They all shall equal be!

[Return of the losers – incident 26.05] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 8:11 – 8:45)

Then hail! O King,
Whichever you may be,
To you we sing,
But do not bend the knee.
Then hail! O King.

[Owen – incident 27.22] (recitative from Finale Act I, MIDI file 8:45 – 9:09)

Come, let’s away—our island crown awaits me—
Conflicting feelings rend my soul apart!
The thought of Royal dignity elates me,
But leaving thee behind me breaks my heart!

[Gwen/Trent – incident 16.85] (recitative from Finale Act I, MIDI file 9:10 – 9:32)

Farewell, my love; on board you must be getting;
But while upon the sea you gaily roam,
Remember that a heart for thee is fretting—
The tender little heart you’ve left at home!

[Lindsay or Gwen, the girls who survived their boyfriends] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 9:33 – 11:59)

Now, Marco dear,
My wishes hear:
While you’re away
It’s understood
You will be good
And not too gay.
To every trace
Of maiden grace
You will be blind,
And will not glance
By any chance
On womankind!

If you are wise,
You’ll shut your eyes
Till we arrive,
And not address
A lady less
Than forty-five.
You’ll please to frown
On every gown
That you may see;
And, O my pet
You won’t forget
You’ve married me!

And O my darling, O my pet,
Whatever else you may forget
In yonder isle beyond the sea,
Do not forget you’ve married me!

You’ll lay your head
Upon your bed
At set of sun.
You will not sing
Of anything
To anyone.
You’ll sit and mope
All day, I hope,
And shed a tear
Upon the life
Your little wife
Is passing here.

And if so be
You think of me,
Please tell the moon!
I’ll read it all
In rays that fall
On the lagoon.
You’ll be so kind
As tell the wind
How you may be,
And send me words
By little birds
To comfort me!

And O my darling, etc.

[Gwen – incident 23.28] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 12:00 – 12:18)

[eliminated campers]

Then away we go to an island fair
That lies in a Southern sea:
We know not where, and we don’t much care
Wherever that isle may be.

[Incident 23.28 continued]

[Heather – incident 18.07] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 12:18 – 12:41)

One, two, three,
One, two, three,
One, two, three,
With a will!
When the breezes are blowing,
The ship will be going,
When they don’t, we shall all stand still!

[Gwen/Duncan – incident 23.30] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 12:42 – 13:41)

[eliminated campers]

Away we go
To a balmy isle,
Where the roses blow
All the winter while.

[Geoff – incident 10.04]

Of happiness the very pith
In Barataria you may see:
A monarchy that’s tempered with
Republican Equality.
This form of government we find
The beau ideal of its kind—
A despotism strict combined
With absolute equality!

[Lindsay – incident 09.04]

[Duncan – incident 20.22]

Rising early in the morning,
We proceed to light the fire,
Then our Majesty adorning
In its workaday attire,
We embark without delay
On the duties of the day.

First, we polish off some batches
Of political dispatches,
And foreign politicians circumvent:
Then, if business isn’t heavy,
We may hold a royal levée,
Or ratify some Acts of Parliament.
Then we probably review the household troops—
With the usual “Shalloo humps!” and “Shalloo hoops!”
Or receive with cermonial an state
An interesting Eastern potentate.
After that we generally
Go and dress our private valet—
(It’s a rather nervous duty—he’s a touchy little man)—
Write some letters literary
For our private secretary—
He is shaky in his spelling, so we help him if we can.
Then, in view of cravings inner,
We go down and order dinner;
Then we polish the Regalia and the Coronation Plate—
Spend an hour in titivating
All our Gentlemen-in-Waiting;
Or we run on little errands for the Ministers of State.
Oh, philosophers may sing
Of the troubles of a King;
Yet the duties are delightful, and the privileges great;
But the privilege and pleasure
That we treasure beyond measure
Is to run on little errands for the Ministers of State.

After luncheon (making merry
On a bun and glass of sherry),
If we’ve nothing in particular to do,
We may make a Proclamation,
Or receive a Deputation—
Then we possibly create a Peer or two.
Then we help a fellow creature on his path
With the Garter or the Thistle or the Bath
Or we dress and toddle off in semi-state
To a festival, a function, or a fete.
Then we go and stand as sentry
At the Palace (private entry),
Marching hither, marching thither, up and down and to and fro,
While the warrior on duty
Goes in search of beer and beauty
(And it generally happens that he hasn’t far to go).
He relieves us, if he’s able,
Just in time to lay the table,
Then we dine and serve the coffee, and at half-past twelve or one,
With a pleasure that’s emphatic,
We retire to our attic
With the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done!
Oh, philosophers may sing
Of the troubles of a King,
But of pleasures there are many and of worries there are none;
And the culminating pleasure
That we treasure beyond measure
Is the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done!

[hooked-up boys]

Take a pair of sparkling eyes
Hidden, ever and anon,
In a merciful eclipse—
Do not heed their mild surprise—
Having passed the Rubicon,
Take a pair of rosy lips;
Take a figure trimly planned—
Such as admiration whets
(Be particular in this);
Take a tender little hand
Fringed with dainty fingerettes,
Press it—in parenthesis—
Ah! Take all these, you lucky man—
Take and keep them, if you can!

[Courtney – incident 12.14] (from “Here we are at the risk of our lives”)

Though obedience is strong,
Curiosity’s stronger—
We waited for long
Till we couldn’t wait longer.

It’s imprudent, we know,
But without your society
Existence was slow,
And we wanted variety.

[Return of the Losers – incident 26.04] (from “Here we are at the risk of our lives”)

After sailing to this island—

Tossing in a manner frightful,

We are all once more on dry land—

And we find the change delightful,

As at home we’ve been remaining—

We’ve not seen you both for ages,

Tell me, are you fond of reigning?

How’s the food and what’s the wages?

[Boys team – incident 15.02]

[Chris/Chef Hatchet – incident 23.33]

Dance a cachucha, fandango, bolero,
Xeres we’ll drink—Manzanilla, Montero—
Wine, when it runs in abundance, enhances
The reckless delight of that wildest of dances!

[Heather/Lindsay – incident 18.12]

There lived a King, as I’ve been told,
In the wonder working days of old,
When hearts were twice as good as gold,
And twenty times as mellow.
Good temper triumphed in his face,
And in his heart he found a place
For all the erring human race
And every wretched fellow.
When he had Rhenish wine to drink
It mad him very sad to think
That some, at junket or at jink,
Must be content with toddy.
He wished all men as rich as he
(And he was rich as rich could be),
So to the top of every tree
Promoted everybody.

Lord Chancellors were cheap as sprats,
And Bishops in their shovel hats
Were plentiful as tabby cats—
In point of fact, too many.
Ambassadors cropped up like hay,
Prime Ministers and such as they
Grew like asparagus in May,
And Dukes were three a penny.
On every side Field Marshalls gleamed,
Small beer were Lord-Lieutenants deemed,
With Admirals the oceans teemed
All round his wide dominions.
And Party Leaders you might meet
In twos and threes in every street
Maintaining, with no little heat,
Their various opinions.

That King, although no one denies
His heart was of abnormal size,
Yet he’d have acted otherwise
If he had been acuter.
The end is easily foretold,
When every blessed thing you hold
Is made of silver, or of gold,
You long for simple pewter.
When you have nothing else to wear
But cloth of gold or satins rare,
For cloth of gold you cease to care—
Up goes the price of shoddy.
In short, whoever you may be,
To this conclusion you’ll agree—
When everyone is somebody
Then no one’s anybody!

Now that’s as plain as plain can be,
To this conclusion we agree—
When everyone is somebody,
Then no one’s anybody!

[Duncan/Heather/Gwen – incident 23.14]

In a contemplative fashion,
And a tranquil frame of mine,
Free from every kind of passion,
Some solution let us find.
Let us grasp the situation,
Solve the complicated plot—
Quiet, calm deliberation
Disentangles every knot.

[Gwen or Izzy] (from “In a contemplative fashion”)

I, no doubt, Guiseppe wedded—
That’s of course, a slice of luck—
He is rather dunderheaded,
Still, distinctly he’s a duck.

[Lindsay – nature and incident 07.13] (from “In a contemplative fashion”)

I, a victim, too, of Cupid
Marco married—that is clear.
He’s particularly stupid,
Still, distinctly, he’s a dear.

[Trent or Owen] (from “In a contemplative fashion”)

To Gianetta I was mated;
I can prove it in a trice:
Though her charms are overrated,
Still, I own she’s rather nice.

[Tyler – incident 01.31] (from “In a contemplative fashion”)

I to Tessa, willy-nilly,
All at once a victim fell.
She is what is called a silly,
Still, she answers pretty well.

[Beth – incident 09.08]

[Lindsay – incidents 17.04, 22.12]

On the day that I was wedded
To your admirable sire,
I acknowledge that I dreaded
An explosion of his ire.
I was overcome with panic—
For his temper was volcanic,
And I didn’t dare revolt,
For I feared a thunderbolt!
I was always very wary,
For his fury was ecstatic—
His refined vocabulary
Most unpleasantly emphatic.
To the thunder
Of this Tartar
I knocked under
Like a martyr;
When intently
He was fuming,
I was gently
When reviling me
I was smiling
Very sweetly:
Giving him the very best and getting back the very worst—
That is how I tried to tame your great progenitor—at first!

[ Bridgette ] (verse 2 from “On the day that I was wedded”)

But I found that a reliance
On my threatening appearance,
And a resolute defiance
Of marital interference,
And a gentle intimation
Of my firm determination
To see what I could do
To be wife and husband too
Was the only thing required
For to make his temper supple,
And you couldn’t have desired
A more reciprocating couple.
Ever willing
To be wooing,
We were billing—
We were cooing;
When I merely
From him parted,
We were nearly
When in sequel
We were equal-
Ly delighted.
So with double-shotted guns and colors nailed unto the mast
I tamed your insignificant progenitor—at last!

[Chris – incident 01.02] (recitative)

[Heather – incident 25.12]

To help unhappy commoners, and add to their enjoyment,
Affords a man of noble rank congenial employment;
Of our attempts we offer you example illustrative:
The work is light, and I may add, it’s most remunerative.

[Chris – incident 01.04] (from “To help unhappy commoners”, MIDI file 0:23 – 0:41)

Small titles and orders
For Mayors and Recorders
I get—and they’re highly delighted.
M.P.s baronetted,
Sham colonels gazetted,
And second-rate Aldermen knighted.

[Chris – incident 24.01] (from “To help unhappy commoners”, MIDI file 0:41 – 0:56)

Foundation-stone laying
I find very paying:
It adds a large sum to my makings—
At charity dinners
The best of speech spinners,
I get ten percent of the takings.

[Heather – incident 03.08] (from “To help unhappy commoners”, MIDI file 0:56 – 1:11)

I present any lady
Whose conduct is shady
Or smacking of doubtful propriety.
When Virtue would quash her,
I take and whitewash her,
And launch her in first-rate society.

[Heather, as described by Lindsay – incident 18.28] (from “To help unhappy commoners”, MIDI file 1:11 – 1:41)

I recommend acres
Of clumsy dressmakers—
Their fit and their finishing touches.
A sum in addition
They pay for permission
To say that they make for the Duchess.

Those pressing prevailers,
The ready-made tailors
Quote me as their great double-barrel.
I allow them to do so
Though Robinson Crusoe
Would jib at their wearing apparel.

[Izzy – incident 17.30] (from “To help unhappy commoners”, MIDI file 1:56 – 2:11)

At middle class party
I play at ecarte
And I’m by no means a beginner.
To one of my station
The remuneration—
Five guineas a night and my dinner.

[Chris – incident 24.02] (from “To help unhappy commoners”, MIDI file 2:11 – 2:26)

I write letters blatant
On medicines patent—
And use any other you mustn’t—
And vow my complexion
Derives its perfection
From somebody’s soap—which it doesn’t.

[Chris – nature and incident 01.05] (from “To help unhappy commoners”, MIDI file 2:42 – 3:02)

[Heather – incident 03.09]

In short, if you’d kindle
The spark of a swindle,
Lure simpletons into your clutches.
Or hoodwink a debtor,
You cannot do better
Than trot out a Duke or a Duchess!

[Duncan/Courtney – incident 12.23]

[Gwen/EPKWACAAH – incident 19.28]

I am a courtier grave and serious
Who is about to kiss your hand:
Try to combine a pose imperious
With a demeanor nobly bland.

That’s, if anything, too unbending—
Too aggressively stiff and grand;
Now to the other extreme you’re tending—
Don’t be so deucedly condescending.

Oh, hard to please some noblemen seem!
At first, if anything, too unbending—
Off we go to the other extreme—
Too confoundedly condescending!

[Incident 12.23 continued]

Now a gavotte perform sedately—
Offer your hand with conscious pride;
Take an attitude not too stately,
Still sufficiently dignified.

Oncely, twicely—oncely, twicely—
Bow impressively ere you glide.
Capital, both—you’ve caught it nicely!
That is the style of thing precisely!

Oh, sweet to earn a nobleman’s praise!
Capital both—we’ve caught it nicely!
Supposing he’s right in what he says,
This is the style of thing precisely!

[Duncan/Bunny II – incident 11.16] (recitative – Finale)

Now let the loyal lieges gather round
The prince’s foster-mother has been found!
She will declare, to silver clarion’s sound,
The rightful King—let him forthwith be crowned!

[Katie/Sadie – incident 06.15] (from Finale, MIDI file 1:00 – 1:17)

Speak, woman, speak—

We’re all attention!
The news we seek
This moment mention.
To us they bring
His foster mother.
Is he the King?
Or this, my brother?
Speak, woman, speak!

[Duncan/Bunny II – incident 11.17] (recitative from Finale, MIDI file 1:18 – 2:00)

The Royal Prince was by the King entrusted
To my fond care, ere I grew old and crusted;
When traitors came to steal his son reputed,
My own small boy I deftly substituted!
The villains fell into the trap completely—
I hid the Prince away—still sleeping sweetly:
I called him “son” with pardonable slyness—
His name, Luiz! Behold his Royal Highness!

[LeShawna – incident 13.08] (from Finale, MIDI file 2:07 – 2:19)

[Owen – incident 26.40]

Is this indeed the King?
Oh, wondrous revelation!
Oh, unexpected thing!
Unlooked-for situation!

[Sadie – incident 11.28 (platonically)] (from Finale, MIDI file 2:20 – 2:41)

[Gwen – incident 26.61]

This statement we receive
With sentiments conflicting;
Our hearts rejoice and grieve,
Each other contradicting;
To those whom we adore
We can be reunited—
On one point rather sore,
But, on the whole, delighted!

[Trent/Gwen – incident 08.49] (from Finale, MIDI file 2:42 – 3:08)

When others claimed thy dainty hand
I waited—waited—waited,

As prudence (so I understand)
By virture of our early vow
Your pure and patient love is now

[Owen – incident 26.42] (from Finale, MIDI file 3:08 – 3:45)

Then hail, O King of a Golden Land
And the high-born bride who claims his hand!
The past is dead, and you gain your own,
A royal crown and a golden throne!

[most campers – incident 27.03] (from Finale, MIDI file 3:46 – 5:14)

Once more gondolieri,
Both skillful and wary,
Free from this quandary
Contented are we.
From Royalty flying,
Our gondolas plying,
And merilly crying
Our “premé,” “stali!”

So goodbye, cachucha, fandango, bolero—
We’ll dance a farewell to that measure—
Old Xeres, adieu—Manzanilla—Montero—
We leave you with feelings of pleasure!


Verses from Utopia, Limited

For a brief plot summary, see the “Introduction to Gilbert & Sullivan” section above. Click the links provided for a more detailed plot summary or the Short Attention Span summary.

[Girls – incident 15.01]

[losers – incident 22.01]

In lazy languor—motionless,
We lie and dream of nothingness;
For visions come
From Poppydom
Direct at our command:
Or, delicate alternative,
In open idlenss we live,
With lyre and lute
And silver flute,
The life of Lazyland!

[ Geoff – incident 21.17] (from “In lazy languor”, MIDI file 1:12 – 2:06)

The song of birds
In ivied towers;
The rippling play
Of waterway;
The lowing herds;
The breath of flowers;
The languid loves
Of turtle doves—
These simple joys are all at hand
Upon thy shores, O Lazyland!

[ Noah – nature and incident 04.22] (from “O make way for the wise men”, MIDI file 1:26 – 1:43)

In every mental lore

(The statement smacks of vanity)
We claim to rank before

The wisest of humanity.
As gifts of head and heart

We wasted on “utility,”
We’re “cast” to play a part

Of great responsibility.

[ Chris – incident 25.15] (from “O make way for the wise men”, MIDI file 1:44 – 1:59)

Our duty is to spy
Upon our King’s illicities,
And keep a watchful eye
On all his eccentricities.
If ever a trick he tries
That savors of rascality,
At our decree he dies
Without the least formality.

[Chris – incidents 11.08, 11.18] (from “O make way for the wise men”, MIDI file 2:00 – 2:23)

We fear no rude rebuff,

Or newspaper publicity;
Our word is quite enough,

The rest is electricity.
A pound of dynamite

Explodes in his auriculars;
It’s not a pretty sight—

We’ll spare you the particulars.

[Geoff – incident 10.05] (from “O make way for the wise men”, MIDI file 2:39 – 2:54)

Of a tyrant polite

He’s a paragon quite.

He’s as modest and mild

In his ways as a child;

And no one ever met

With an autocrat, yet,
So delightfully bland
To the least in the land!

[ Owen/Gwen – incident 25.25]

Let all your doubts take wing
Our influence is great.
If Paramount our King
Presume to hesitate,
Put on the screw
And caution him
That he will rue
Disaster grim
That must ensue
To life and limb
Should he pooh-pooh
This harmless whim.

[Owen – incidents 02.10, 25.37] (from “Let all your doubts take wing”, MIDI file 0:25 – 1:09)

Observe this dance
Which I employ
When I, by chance,
Go mad with joy.
What sentiment
Does this express?
Supreme content
And happiness!

[ Trent – incident 08.33] (from “Let all your doubts take wing”, MIDI file 1:09 – 1:33)

Your friendly aid conferred,
I need no longer pine.
I’ve but to speak the word,
And lo! The maid is mine!
I do not choose
To be denied,
Or wish to lose
A lovely bride—
If to refuse
The King decide,
The Royal shoes
Then woe betide!

[ Cody – incident 08.41] (from “Let all your doubts take wing”, MIDI file 1:34 – 2:20)

[Owen – incident 25.27]

This step to use
I condescend
Whene’er I choose
To serve a friend
What it implies
Now try to guess;
It typifies

[Owen – incident 26.59]

Quaff the nectar—cull the roses—
Gather fruit and flowers in plenty!
For our King no longer poses—
Sing the songs of far niente!
Wake the lute that sets us lilting,
Dance a welcome to each comer;
Day by day our year is wilting—
Sing the sunny songs of summer!

[ Courtney – nature and incident 05.10]

[Geoff – incident 14.13]

A King of autocratic power we
A despot whose tyrannic will is law—
Whose rule is paramount o’er land and sea,
A presence of unutterable awe!
But though the awe that I inspire
Must shrivel with imperial fire
All foes whom it may chance to touch,
To judge by what I see and hear,
It does not seem to interfere
With popular enjoyment, much.

[Owen – nature and incident 04.11] (verse 2 from “A King of autocratic power we”, MIDI file 1:15 – 2:09)

Stupendous when we rouse ourselves to strike,
Resistless when our tyrant thunder peals,
We often wonder what obstruction’s like,
And how a contradicted monarch feels.
But as it is our Royal whim
Our Royal sails to set and trim
To suit whatever wind may blow—
What buffets contradiction deals
And how a thwarted monarch feels
We probably shall never know.

[Gwen – incident 26.09]

How fair! How modest! How discreet!
How bashfully demure!
See how they blush, as they’ve been taught,
At this publicity unsought!
How English and how pure!

[original “Haute Camp-ture” synopsis – incident 22.42] (MIDI file 0:43 – 1:39)

[Courtney/Heather - nature]

Although of native maids the cream,
We’re brought up on the English scheme—
The best of all
For great and small
Who modestly adore.

For English girls are good as gold,
Extremely modest (so we’re told),
Demurely coy—divinely cold—

And we are that—and more.

To please papa, who argues thus—
All girls should mould themselves on us
Because we are
By furlongs far
The best of all the bunch,
We show ourselves to loud applause
From ten till four without a pause

Which is an awkward time because
It cuts into our lunch.

Oh, maids of high and low degree,
Whose social code is rather free,
Please look at us and you will see
What good young ladies ought to be!

[Incident 22.42 continued]

And as we stand, like clockwork toys,
A lecturer whom papa employs
Proceeds to praise
Our modest ways
And guileless character—

Our well-known blush—our downcast eyes—
Our famous look of mild surprise

(Which competition still defies)—

Our celebrated “Sir!!!”

Then all the crowd take down our looks
In pocket memorandum books.
To diagnose
Our modest pose
The Kodaks do their best:

If evidence you would possess
Of what is maiden bashfulness
You only need a button press—

And we will do the rest.

[Gwen/Cody – incident 01.26] (MIDI file 0:24 – 1:42)

[ Justin/Izzy – incident 27.54]

Bold-faced ranger
(Perfect stranger)
Meets two well-behaved young ladies.
He’s attractive,
Young and active—
Each a little bit afraid is.
Youth advances,
At his glances
To their danger they awaken;
They repel him
As they tell him
He is very much mistaken.
Though they speak to him politely,
Please observe they’re sneering slightly,
Just to show he’s acting vainly.
This is Virtue speaking plainly,
“Go away, young bachelor,
We are not what you take us for!”
When addressed impertinently,
English ladies answer gently,
“Go away, young bachelor,
We are not what you take us for!”

[Gwen/Trent – incidents 01.10, 05.25] (verse 2 from “Bold-faced ranger”, MIDI file 1:43 – 2:59)

As he gazes,
Hat he raises,
Enters into conversation.
Makes excuses—
This produces
Interesting agitation.
He, with daring,
Gives his card—his rank discloses.
Little heeding
This proceeding,
They turn up their little noses.
Pray observe this lesson vital—
When a man of rank and title
His position first discloses,
Always cock your little noses.
When at home, let all the class
Try this in the looking glass.
English girls of well-bred notions
Shun all unrehearsed emotions.
English girls of highest class
Practice this before the glass.

[Justin/Katie/Sadie – incident 27.05] (verse 3 from “Bold-faced ranger”, MIDI file 3:00 – 4:23)

His intentions
Then he mentions.
Something definite to go on—
Makes recitals
Of his titles,
Hints at settlements, and so on.
Smiling sweetly,
They, discreetly,
Ask for further evidences:
Thus invited,
He, delighted,
Gives the usual references:
This is business. Each is fluttered
When the offer’s fairly uttered.
“Which of them has his affection?”
He declines to make selection.
Do they quarrel for his dross?
Not a bit of it—they toss!
Please observe this cogent moral—
English ladies never quarrel.
When a doubt they come across,
English ladies always toss.

[Heather/Bridgette – incident 14.07] (from “Bold-faced ranger”, MIDI file 4:34 – 5:05)

Quaff the nectar—cull the roses—
Bashful girls will soon be plenty!
Maid who thus at fifteen poses
Ought to be divine at twenty!

[Izzy – incident 15.10]

First you’re born—and I’ll be bound, you
Find a dozen strangers round you.
“Hallo,” cries the newborn baby,
“Where’s my parents? Which may they be?”
Awkward silence—no reply—
Puzzled baby wonders why!
Father rises, bows politely—
Mother smiles (but not too brightly)—
Doctor mumbles like a dumb thing—
Nurse is busy mixing something—
Every symptom tends to show
You’re decidedly de trop

[dare/punishment challenges – incidents 15.17, 25.22] (chorus verse 1 from “First you’re born”, MIDI file 0:36 – 0:49)

Life’s teetotum,
If you spin it,
Gives its quotum
Once a minute.
I’ll go bail,
You hit the nail,
And if you fail
The deuce is in it!

[Trent – nature and incidents 08.50, 16.16] (soloist verse 2 from “First you’re born”, MIDI file 0:50 – 1:19)

You grow up and you discover
What it is to be a lover.
Some young maiden is selected—
Poor, perhaps, but well-connected,
Whom you hail (for Love is blind)
As the Queen of fairy kind.
Though she’s plain—perhaps unsightly,
Makes her face up—laces tightly,
In her form your fancy traces
All the gifts of all the graces.
Rivals none the maiden woo,
So you take her and she takes you!

[any or all campers] (chorus verse 2 from “First you’re born”, MIDI file 1:20 – 1:33)

Joke beginning,
Never ceases,
Till your inning
Time releases,
On your way
You blindly stray,
And day by day
The joke increases.

[Izzy/Justin – incident 27.56] (partial verse)

Subjected to your heavenly gaze
(Poetical phrase)
My brain is turned completely.
Observe me now,
No Monarch, I vow,
Was ever so far afflicted!

[Heather – incident 11.09] (partial verse from “Subjected to your heavenly gaze”, MIDI file 0:37 – 0:52)

Come, crush me this contemptible worm
(A forcible term),
If he’s assailed you wrongly.
The rage display
Which, as you say,
Has moved your Majesty lately.

[Killer Bass/Courtney – incident 02.09]

Oh, maiden, rich
In Girton lore,
That wisdom which
We prized before,
We do confess
Is nothingness,
And rather less,
Perhaps, than more.
On each of us
Thy learning shed.
On calculus
May we be fed.
And teach us, please,
To speak with ease
All languages,
Alive and dead!

[Gwen/Heather – incidents 23.04, 24.09] (partial verse from “O maiden rich in Girton lore”, MIDI file 1:33 – 1:54)

Girls adrift

And his uniform/ A well-drilled trooper ne'er discards

On the royal yacht,
When the waves were white,
In a helmet hot
And a tunic tight,
And our great big boots,
We defied the storm;
For we’re not recruits,
And his uniform
A well-drilled trooper ne’er discards—
And we are her escort—First Life Guards!

[Gwen/Trent – incident 26.20] (partial verse – from “O maiden rich in Girton lore”, MIDI file 1:55 – 2:15)

[Heather/Beth/Lindsay - nature]

These gentlemen I present to you,
The pride and boast of their barrack-yards;
They’ve taken, O! such care of me!

For we are her escort—First Life Guards!

[Geoff/Bridgette – incidents 22.05, 27.62] (from “O maiden rich in Girton lore”, MIDI file 2:57 – 3:22)

Oh! The hours are gold,
And the joys untold,
When my eyes behold
My beloved Princess!
And the years will seem
But a brief daydream,
In the joy extreme
Of our happiness!

[ LeShawna/Trent – incident 16.78]

[Owen/Duncan – incident 24.41]

Ah! Gallant soldier, brave and true
In tented field and tourney,
I grieve to have occasioned you
So very long a journey.
A British warrior gives up all—
His home and island beauty—
When summoned by the trumpet call
Of Regimental duty!

[Gwen/Trent – nature and incident 16.12] (from “Ah! Gallant soldier, brave and true”, MIDI file 0:28 – 0:44)

Oh, my joy, my pride,
My delight to hide,
Let us sing, aside,
What in truth we feel.
Let us whisper low
Of our love’s glad glow,
Lest the truth we show
We would fain conceal.

[Courtney – incident 12.12] (gender roles reversed in TDI – from “Ah! Gallant soldier, brave and true”, MIDI file 0:45 – 1:08)

Such escort duty, as his due,
To young Lifeguardsman falling
Completely reconciles him to
His uneventful calling.
When soldier seeks Utopian glades
In charge of Youth and Beauty,
Then pleasure merely masquerades
As Regimental Duty!

[Justin/$1M Suitcase – incident 27.73] (from “It’s understood, I think”, MIDI file 0:19 – 0:36)

We stand, I think, on safish ground,
Our senses weak it will astound
If either gentleman is found
Prepared to meet his rival.
Their machinations we defy;
They will not part us, you and I—
Of bloodshed each is rather shy—
They both prefer survival!

[rude awakenings – incidents 03.01,09.01,13.01] (from “It’s understood, I think”, MIDI file 2:39 – 2:58)

Our mortal race
Is never blest—
There’s no such case
As perfect rest;
Some petty blight
Asserts its sway—
Some crumpled roseleaf light
Is always in the way!

[Beth/Lindsay – incident 09.03] (Finale Act I)

Although your Royal summons to appear
From courtesy was singularly free,
Obedient to that summons we are here—
What would your Majesty?

[Castaways – incident 23.42] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 0:58 – 1:30)

Attend to me, Utopian populace,
Ye South Pacific Island viviparians;
All, in abstract, types of courtly grace,
Yet, when compared with Britain’s glorious race,
But little better than half-clothed barbarians!

[ Chef Hatchet/boot camp trainees – incident 12.02] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 1:34 – 2:31)

When Britain sounds the trump of war
(And Europe trembles)
The army of that conqueror
In serried ranks assembles;
‘Tis then this warrior’s eyes and saber gleam
For our protection—
He represents a military scheme
In all its proud perfection!

[Heather – nature and incident 18.14] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 2:39 – 3:17)

A complicated gentleman allow me to present,
Of all the arts and faculties the terse embodiment,
He’s a great Arithmetician who can demonstrate with ease
That two and two are three or five or anything you please;
An eminent Logician who can make it clear to you
That black is white—when looked at from the proper point of view;
A marvelous Philologist who’ll undertake to show
That “yes” is but another and a neater form of “no.”

[Gwen/Trent – incident 16.71] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 3:17 – 3:41)

[LeShawna/Duncan – incident 21.13]

All preconceived ideas on any subject I can scout,
And demonstrate beyond all possibility of doubt,
That whether you’re an honest man or whether you’re a thief
Depends on whose solicitor has given me my brief.

[Chef Hatchet – nature and incident 05.04] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 4:59 – 5:27)

This County Councillor acclaim,
Great Britain’s latest toy—
On anything you like to name
His talents he’ll employ—
All streets and squares he’ll purify
Within your city walls,
And keep, meanwhile, a modest eye
On wicked music halls.

[Duncan – incident 04.13] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 7:00 – 7:22)

And lastly I present
Great Britain’s proudest boast,
Who from the blows
Of foreign foes
Protects her sea-girt coast—
And if you ask him in respectful tone,
He’ll show you how you may protect your own!

[Duncan – incident 04.14] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 7:23 – 7:50)

Duncan & mates

I'll teach you how we rule the sea

I’m Captain Corcoran, K.C.B.,
I’ll teach you how we rule the sea,
And terrify the simple Gauls;
And how the Saxon and the Celt
Their Europe-shaking blows have dealt
With Maxim gun and Nordenfelt
(Or will, when the occasion calls).

[Owen – incident 18.08] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 7:50 – 8:09)

If sailor-like you’d play your cards,
Unbend your sails and lower your yards,
Unstep your masts—you’ll never want ‘em more.
Though we’re no longer hearts of oak,
Yet we can steer and we can stoke,
And, thanks to coal, and thanks to coke,
We never run a ship ashore!

[Parade of Contestants – incident 01.21] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 8:29 – 9:00)

All hail, ye types of England’s power—
Ye heaven-enlightened band!
We bless the day, and bless the hour
That brought you to our land!

[Beth/Lindsay – incident 03.13] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 14:42 – 14:52)

Henceforward, of a verity,
With Fame ourselves we link—
We’ll go down to Posterity
Of sovereigns all the pink!

[Heather/Beth – incident 09.10] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 14:53 – 14:57)

If you’ve the mad temerity
Our wishes thus to blink,
You’ll go down to Posterity
Much earlier than you think!

[Geoff/Bridgette – incident 27.63] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 15:29 – 15:40)

Who love with all sincerity,
Their lives may safely link
And as for our Posterity—
We don’t care what they think!

[Trent – nature and incidents 05.27, 16.26] (with opening recitative)

Oh, Zara, my beloved one, bear with me!
Ah, do not laugh at my attempted C!
Repent not, mocking maid, thy girlhood’s choice—
The fervor of my love affects my voice!

A tenor, all singers above
(This doesn’t admit of a question),
Should keep himself quiet,
Attend to his diet
And carefully nurse his digestion;
But when he is madly in love
It’s certain to tell on his singing—
You can’t do chromatics
With proper emphatics
When anguish your bosom is wringing!
When distracted with worries in plenty,
And his pulse is a hundred and twenty,
And his fluttering bosom the slave of mistrust is,
A tenor can’t do himself justice.

I could sing if my fervor were mock,
It’s easy enough if you’re acting—
But when one’s emotion
Is born of devotion
You mustn’t be over-exacting.
One ought to be firm as a rock
To venture a shake in vibrato,
When fervor’s expected
Keep cool and collected
Or never attempt agitato.
But, of course, when his tongue is of leather,
And his lips appear pasted together,
And his sensitive palate as dry as a crust is,
A tenor can’t do himself justice.

[Gwen/Trent – incident 26.24]

[ Harold/LeShawna – incident 27.10]

Words of love too loudly spoken
Ring their own untimely knell;
Noisy vows are rudely broken,
Soft the song of Philomel.
Whisper sweetly, whisper slowly,
Hour by hour and day by day;
Sweet and low as accents holy
Are the notes of lover’s lay!

[Gwen/Trent – incident 08.51] (verse 2 from “Words of love too loudly spoken”, MIDI file 0:56 – 2:00)

Let the conqueror, flushed with glory,
Bid his noisy clarion bray;
Lovers tell their artless story
In a whispered virelay.
False is he whose vows alluring
Make the listening echoes ring;
Sweet and low when all-enduring
Are the songs that lovers sing!

[Bridgette/Heather – incident 05.26]

Society has quite forsaken all her wicked courses,
Which empties our police courts and abolishes divorces.
No tolerance we show to undeserving rank and splendor;
For the higher his position is, the greater the offender.
No peeress at our Drawing Room before the Presence passes
Who wouldn’t be accepted by the lower middle classes.
Each shady dame, whatever be her rank, is bowed out neatly.

In short, this happy country has been Anglicized completely!

[Chris/Bridgette – incident 05.28] (verse 2 from “Society has quite forsaken all her wicked courses”)

Our city we have beautified—we’ve done it willy-nilly—
And all that isn’t Belgrave Square is Strand or Picadilly.
We have solved the labor question with discrimination polished,
So poverty is obsolete and hunger is abolished—
The Chamberlain our native stage has purged, beyond a question,
Of “risky” situation and indelicate suggestion;
No piece is tolerated if it’s costumed indiscreetly—

In short, this happy country has been Anglicized completely!

[Heather – incident 05.29] (sarcastically in TDI – verse 3 from “Society has quite forsaken all her wicked courses”)

Our Peerage we’ve remodeled on an intellectual basis,
Which certainly is rough on our hereditary races—
The Brewers and the Cotton Lords no longer seek admission,
And Literary Merit meets with proper recognition—
Who knows but we may count among our intellectual chickens,
Like you, an Earl of Thackeray and p’r’aps a Duke of Dickens—
Lord Fildes and Viscount Millais (when they come) we’ll welcome sweetly—

In short, this happy country has been Anglicized completely!

[Heather – incident 20.12] (MIDI file 0:19 – 2:57)

[Owen – incident 25.26]

Eagle high in cloudland soaring
Sparrow twittering on a reed—
Tiger in the jungle roaring—
Frightened fawn in grassy mead—
Let the eagle, not the sparrow,
Be the object of your arrow—
Fix the tiger with your eye—
Pass the fawn in pity by.
Glory then will crown the day—
Glory, glory, anyway!

[Heather – incidents 06.02, 20.19]

[LeShawna’s mob – incident 16.60]

With fury deep we burn
We fume with smothered rage—
These Englishmen who rule supreme,
Their undertaking they redeem
By stifling every harmless scheme
In which we both engage.

We think it is our turn—
We think our turn has come—
These Englishmen, they must prepare
To seek at once their native air.
The King, as heretofore, we swear,
Shall be beneath our thumb—

[Duncan/Geoff/D.J. – incident 10.13] (from “With fury deep we burn”)

For this musn’t be,
And this won’t do,
If you’ll back me,
Then I’ll back you,
No, this won’t do,
No, this mustn’t be.

[Heather/Beth – incident 09.11]

If you think that, when banded in unity,
We may both be defied with impunity,
You are sadly misled of a verity!

If you value repose and tranquility,
You’ll revert to a state of docility,
Or prepare to regret your temerity!

[Beth – incident 09.09] (from “If you think that, when banded in unity”, MIDI file 0:27 – 1:08)

[Heather – incidents 16.90, 18.21]

Whene’er I chance to baffle you,
I, also, dance a step or two—
Of this now guess the hidden sense:
It means—complete indifference.

[Heather/Leshawna & co. – incident 16.94] (from “If you think that, when banded in unity”, MIDI file 1:09 – 1:29)

As we’ve a dance for every mood
With pas de trois we will conclude.
What this may mean you all may guess—
It typifies remorselessness!

It means unruffled cheerfulness!

[Boys’ alliance – incident 17.12]

With wily brain upon the spot
A private plot we’ll plan,
The most ingenious private plot
Since private plots began.
That’s understood. So far we’ve got
And, striking while the iron’s hot,
We’ll now determine like a shot
The details of this private plot.

[Boys’ alliance – incident 17.15] (from “With wily brain”, MIDI file 0:26 – 1:28)

[Girls’ war council – incident 17.29]

I think we ought—[whispers]
Such bosh I never heard!
Ah! Happy thought!—[whispers]
How utterly dashed absurd!
I’ll tell you how—[whispers]
Why, what put that in your head?
I’ve got it now—[whispers]
Oh, take him away to bed!
But, bless me, don’t you see—
Do listen to me, I pray—
It certainly seems to me—
Bah! This is the only way!
It’s rubbish absurd you growl!
You talk ridiculous stuff!
You’re a driveling barndoor owl!
You’re a vapid and vain old muff!

So far we haven’t quite solved the plot—
They’re not a very ingenious lot—
But don’t be unhappy,
It’s still on the tapis,
We’ll presently hit on a capital plot!

[Boys’ alliance – incident 17.32] (from “With wily brain”, MIDI file 1:29 – 2:15)

Geoff & boys

Bravo! A capital plan!

Suppose we all—[whispers]
Now there I think you’re right.
Then we might all—[whispers]
That’s true—we certainly might.
I’ll tell you what—[whispers]
We will if we possibly can.
Then on the spot—[whispers]
Bravo! A capital plan!
That’s exceedingly neat and new!
Exceedingly new and neat.
I fancy that that will do.
It’s certainly very complete.
Well done, you sly old sap!
Bravo, you cunning old mole!
You very ingenious chap!
You intellectual soul!

[Boys’ alliance – incident 17.18] (from “With wily brain”, MIDI file 2:15 – 2:43)

At last a capital plan we’ve got
We won’t say how and we won’t say what:
It’s safe in my noddle
Now off we will toddle,
And slyly develop this capital plot!

[Bridgette – nature and incident 27.76] (this song is the basis for Trent’s tribute song in my short story, Legacy)

A wonderful joy our eyes to bless,
In her magnificent comeliness,
Is an English girl of eleven stone two,
And five foot ten in her dancing shoe!
She follows the hounds, and on she pounds—
The “field” tails off and the muffs diminish—
Over the hedges and brooks she bounds
Straight as a crow, from find to finish.
At cricket, her kin will lose or win—
She and her maids, on grass and clover,
Eleven maids out—eleven maids in—
And perhaps an occasional “maiden over!”

Go search the world and search the sea,
Then come you home and sing with me
There’s no such gold and no such pearl
As a bright and beautiful English girl!

With a ten-mile spin she stretches her limbs,
She golfs, she punts, she rows, she swims—
She plays, she sings, she dances, too,
From ten or eleven ‘til all is blue!
At ball or drum, till small hours come
(Chaperone’s fan conceals her yawning)
She’ll waltz away like a teetotum,
And never go home ‘til daylight’s dawning.
Lawn tennis may share her favors fair—
Her eyes a-dance and her cheeks a-glowing—
Down comes her hair, but what does she care?
It’s all her own and it’s worth the showing!

Go search the world, etc.

Her soul is sweet as the ocean air,
For prudery knows no haven there;
To find mock modesty, please apply
To the conscious blush and the downcast eye.
Rich in the things contentment brings,
In every pure enjoyment wealthy,
Blithe as a beautiful bird she sings,
For body and mind are hale and healthy.
Her eyes they thrill with right goodwill—
Her heart is light as a floating feather—
As pure and bright as the mountain rill
That leaps and laughs in the Highland heather!

Go search the world, etc.

[Courtney/Duncan – incident 12.24]

[Courtney] . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [Duncan]

Then I may sing and play?

You may!

And I may laugh and shout?

No doubt!

These maxims you endorse?

Of course!

You won’t exclaim, “Oh, fie!”

Not I!

Whatever you are—be that:
Whatever you say—be true:
Straightforward act—
Be honest—in fact,
Be nobody else but you.

Give every answer pat—
Your character true unfurl;
And when it is ripe,
You’ll then be a type
Of a capital English girl!

Oh, sweet surprise—oh, dear delight,
To find it undisputed quite,
All musty, fusty rules despite
That Art is wrong and Nature’s right!

When happy I,
With laughter glad
I’ll wake the echoes fairly,
And only sigh
When I am sad—
And that will be but rarely!

I’ll row and fish,
And gallop, soon—
No longer be prim one—
And when I wish
To hum a tune,
It needn’t be a hymn one?

No, no!
It needn’t be a hymn one!

Oh, sweet surprise, etc.

[Gwen – incident 16.53]

When but a maid of fifteen year,
Short-petticoated—and, I fear,
Still shorter-sighted—
I made a vow, one early spring,
That only to some spotless King
Who proof of blameless life could bring
I’d be united.
For I had read, not long before,
Of blameless kings in fairy lore,
And thought the race still flourished here—
Well, well—
I was a maid of fifteen year!

Each morning I pursued my game.
(An early riser);
For spotless monarchs I became
An advertiser:
But all in vain I searched each land,
So, kingless, to my native strand
Returned, a little older, and
A good deal wiser!
I learnt that spotless King and Prince
Have disappeared some ages since—
Even Paramount’s angelic grace—
Ah, me—
Is but a mask on Nature’s face!

[Gwen/Trent – incident 26.17] (recitative, MIDI file 3:05 – 3:44)

Ah, Lady Sophy—then you love me!
For so you sing—

No, by the stars that shine above me,
Degraded King!
For while these rumors, through the city bruited,
Remain uncontradicted, unrefuted,
The object thou of my aversion rooted,
Repulsive thing!

[Gwen/Trent – incident 26.52] (MIDI file 4:38 – 7:07)

Oh, the rapture unrestrained
Of a candid retractation!
For my sovereign has deigned
A convincing explanation—
And the clouds that gathered o’er
All have vanished in the distance,
And of Kings of fairy lore
One, at least, is in existence!

Oh, the skies are blue above,
And the earth is red and rosal,
Now the lady of my love
Has accepted my proposal!
For that asinorum pons
I have crossed without assistance,
And of prudish paragons
One, at least, is in existence!

[Heather/Gwen/Duncan – incident 23.49] (Finale Act II)

There’s a little group of isles beyond the wave—
So tiny, you might almost wonder where it is—
That nation is the bravest of the brave,
And cowards are the rarest of all rarities.
The proudest nations kneel at her command;
She terrifies all foreign-born rapscallions;
And holds the peace of Europe in her hand
With half a score invincible battalions!

[Heather – incident 25.05] (from Finale Act II, MIDI file 0:37 – 0:51)

Such, at least, is the tale
Which is borne on the gale,
From the island which dwells in the sea.
Let us hope, for her sake,
That she makes no mistake—
That she’s all she professes to be!


Verses from The Grand Duke

Gilbert and Sullivan's only financially unprofitable collaboration. For a brief plot summary, see the “Introduction to Gilbert & Sullivan” section above. Click the links provided for a more detailed plot summary or the Short Attention Span summary.

[ Heather – incident 17.01] (from Opening, MIDI file 1:01 – 1:10)

If her dress is badly fitting,
Theirs the fault who made her trousseau.

If her gloves are always splitting,
Cheap kid gloves, we know, will do so.

[ Geoff/Bridgette – incident 27.30] (from Opening, MIDI file 1:35 – 2:05)

Here they come, the couple plighted
On life’s journey gaily start them.
Soon to be for aye united,
Till divorce or death shall part them.

[Heather/Beth/Lindsay – incidents 04.03, 17.05] (from “Pretty Lisa, fair and tasty”, MIDI file 1:12 – 1:57)

If he ever acts unkindly,
Shut your eyes and love him blindly—
Should he call you names uncomely,
Shut your mouth and love him dumbly,
Should he rate you, rightly—leftly—
Shut your ears and love him deafly.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Thus and thus and thus alone
Ludwig’s wife may hold her own!

[Brunch of Disgustingness – incident 14.14]

[ Owen – incident 23.35]

Sausage Roll Song - Gilbert & Sullivan, The Grand Duke

Sausage Roll Song - Gilbert & Sullivan, The Grand Duke

You must eat a sausage roll!

By the mystic regulation
Of our dark Association,
Ere you open conversation
With another kindred soul,
You must eat a sausage roll!

[Incident 14.14 continued]

If, in turn, he eats another,
That’s a sign that he’s a brother—
Each may fully trust the other.
It is quaint and it is droll,
But it’s bilious on the whole.

[Owen – incidents 14.15, 25.21] (from “By the mystic regulation”, MIDI file 0:29 – 0:42)

It’s a greasy kind of pasty,
Which, perhaps, a judgment hasty
Might consider rather tasty:
Once (to speak without disguise)
It found favor in our eyes.

[Incident 14.15 continued] (from “By the mystic regulation”, MIDI file 0:43 – 0:59)

But when you’ve been six months feeding
(As we have) on this exceeding
Bilious food, it’s no ill-breeding
If, at these repulsive pies,
Our offended gorges rise!

[ Courtney or Heather]

Were I a king in very truth,
And had a son—a guileless youth—
In probable succession;
To teach him patience, teach him tact,
How promptly in a fix to act,
He should adopt, in point of fact,
A manager’s profession.

[Heather/Trent – incident 16.29]

Fatal Kiss

And 'whelm you with a mock affection

How would I play this part
The Grand Duke’s Bride?
All rancor in my heart
I’d duly hide—
I’d drive it from my recollection
And ‘whelm you with a mock affection,
Well calculated to defy detection—
That’s how I’d play this part—
The Grand Duke’s Bride.

With many a winsome smile
I’d witch and woo;
With gay and girlish guile
I’d frenzy you—
I’d madden you with my caressing,
Like turtle, her first love confessing—
That it was “mock”, no mortal would be guessing,
With so much winsome wile
I’d witch and woo!

Did any other maid
With you succeed,
I’d pinch the forward jade—
I would indeed!
With jealous frenzy agitated
(Which would, of course be simulated),
I’d make her wish she’d never been created—
Did any other maid
With you succeed!

And should there come to me,
Some summers hence,
In all the childish glee
Of innocence,
Fair babes, aglow with beauty vernal,
My heart would bound with joy diurnal!
This sweet display of sympathy maternal,
Well, that would also be
A mere pretense!

My histrionic art
Though you deride,
That’s how I’d play that part—
The Grand Duke’s Bride!

[Bridgette/Geoff – incident 27.32] (ensemble – from “How would I play this part”, MIDI file 2:20 – 3:06)

[Geoff] . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [Bridgette]

Oh joy! When two glowing young hearts, . . . . . My boy, when two glowing young hearts,
From the rise of the curtain, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . From the rise of the curtain,
Thus throw themselves into their parts, . . . . . . Thus throw themselves into their parts,
Success is most certain! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Success is most certain!
If the role you’re prepared to endow . . . . . . . . .The role I’m prepared to endow
With such delicate touches, . . . . . . . . . . . . . .With most delicate touches,
By the heaven above us, I vow . . . . . . . . . . . . By the heaven above us, I vow
You shall be my Grand Duchess! . . . . . . . . . . I will be your Grand Duchess!

[Heather/Izzy/Owen – incident 06.10]

[ Gwen – incident 23.15]

My goodness me! What shall we do?
Why, what a dreadful situation!
It’s all your fault, you booby you—
You lump of indiscrimination!
I’m sure I don’t know where to go—
It’s put me into such a tetter
But this at all events I know—
The sooner we are off, the better!

[Owen/Gwen – incident 17.23] (MIDI file 0:46 – 2:26)

Ten minutes since, I met a chap
Who bowed an easy salutation—
Thinks I, “This gentleman, mayhap,
Belongs to our Association.”
But, on the whole,
Uncertain yet,
A sausage roll
I took and et—
That chap replied (I don’t embellish)
By eating three with obvious relish.

Quite reassured, I let him know
Our plot—each incident explaining;
The stranger chuckled much, as though
He thought me highly entertaining.
I told him all,
Both bad and good;
I bade him call—
He said he would:
I added much—the more I muckled,
The more that chuckling chummy chuckled!

A bat could see
He couldn’t be
A chum of ours if he chuckled!

Well, as I bowed to his applause,
Down dropped he with hysteric bellow—
And that seemed right enough, because
I am a devilish funny fellow.
Then suddenly,
As still he squealed,
It flashed on me
That I’d revealed
Our plot, with all details effective,
To Grand Duke Rudolph’s own detective!

What folly fell
To go and tell
Our plot to anyone’s detective!

[ Harold – incident 08.30] (from “Ten minutes since, I met a chap”, MIDI file 2:26 – 2:35)

[Owen – incident 10.08]

[ Duncan – incident 24.38]

[Heather/Lindsay – incident 26.36]

You booby dense—
You oaf immense,
With no pretense
To common sense!
A stupid muff
Who’s made of stuff
Not worth a puff
Of candle snuff!

[Gwen – incident 19.04] (from “Ten minutes since, I met a chap”, MIDI file 2:36 – 3:12)

Pack up at once, and off we go,
Unless we’re anxious to exhibit
Our fairy forms all in a row,
Strung up upon the Castle gibbet!

[Heather/LeShawna – incident 17.13] (madrigal)

Heather vs LeShawna

Then they fight, for both are bold

Strange the views some people hold!
Two young fellows quarrel—
Then they fight, for both are bold—
Rage of both is uncontrolled—
Both are stretched out, stark and cold!
Prithee, where’s the moral?
Ding, dong! Ding, dong!
There’s an end to further action,
And this barbarous transaction
Is described as “satisfaction”!
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Satisfaction!
Ding, dong! Ding, dong!
Each is laid in churchyard mould
Strange the views some people hold!

[Gwen/Bridgette – incident 13.05] (verse 2 from “Strange the views some people hold”, MIDI file 1:33 – 3:11)


Sword or pistol neither uses

Better than the method old,
Which was coarse and cruel,
Is the plan that we’ve extolled.
Sing thy virtues manifold
(Better than refined gold),
Statutory Duel!
Sing song! Sing song!
Sword or pistol neither uses—
Playing card he lightly chooses,
And the loser simply loses!
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Simply loses.
Sing song! Sing song!
Some prefer the churchyard mould!
Strange the views some people hold!

[Heather – nature and incidents 22.27, 25.07]

The good Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig,
Though in his own opinion, very, very big,
In point of fact he’s nothing but a miserable prig
Is the good Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig!

[Beth/Lindsay – incident 04.04] (verse 2 from “The good Grand Duke”, MIDI file 1:04 – 1:50)

Though quite contemptible, as everyone agrees,
We must dissemble if we want our bread and cheese,
So hail him in a chorus, with enthusiasm big,
The good Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig!

[ Eva – nature and incident 03.03] (MIDI file 1:50 – 2:25)

A pattern to professors of monarchial autonomy
I don’t indulge in levity or compromising bonhomie,
But dignified formality, consistent with economy,
Above all other virtues I particularly prize.
I never join in merriment—I don’t see joke or jape any—
I never tolerate familiarity in shape any—
This, joined with an extravagant respect for tuppence ha’penny,
A keynote to my character sufficiently supplies.

[Gwen/Heather – incident 25.09]

[Beth/Lindsay/Ezekiel – incident 27.47]

As o’er our penny roll we sing,
It is not reprehensive,
To think what joys our wealth would bring
Were we disposed to do the thing
Upon a scale extensive.

[Owen – nature and incidents 10.07, 24.40, 26.66] (from “As o’er our penny roll we sing”, MIDI file 0:23 – 1:05)

How fleeting are the glutton’s joys!
With fish and fowl he lightly toys,
And pays for such expensive tricks
Sometimes as much as two-and-six!
It gives him no advantage, mind—
For you and he have only dined,
And you remain, when once it’s down,
A better man by half a crown.

[Heather – incident 11.01]

Benjamin Luxon sings Gilbert & Sullivan (1)

Benjamin Luxon sings Gilbert & Sullivan (1)

a broken-down critter

When you find you’re a broken-down critter,
Who is all of a trimmle and twitter
With your palate unpleasantly bitter,
As if you’d just eaten a pill—
When your legs are as thin as dividers,
And you’re plagued with unruly insiders,
And your spine is all creepy with spiders,
And you’re highly gamboge in the gill—

When you’ve got a beehive in your head,
And a sewing machine in each ear,
And you feel like you’ve eaten your bed,
And you’ve got a bad headache down here
When such facts are about,
And these symptoms you find
In your body or crown—
Well, you’d better look out,
You may make up your mind
You had better lie down!

When your lips are all smeary—like tallow,
And your tongue is decidedly yallow,
With a pint of warm oil in your swallow,
And a pound of tin-tacks in your chest—
When you’re down in the mouth with the vapors,
And all over you Morris wall-papers,
Black beetles are cutting their capers,
And crawly things never at rest—

When you doubt that your head is your own,
And you jump when an open door slams—
Then you’ve got to a state that is known
To the medical world as “jim-jams”.
If such symptoms you find
In your body or head
They’re not easy to quell—
You may make up your mind
You are better in bed,
For you’re not at all well!

[Heather/Beth – incident 09.12] (Finale Act I)

[Heather] . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [Beth]

Come hither, all you people
When you hear the fearful news,

All the pretty women weep’ll,
Men will shiver in their shoes.

And they’ll all cry, “Lord, defend us!” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .And they’ll all cry, “Lord, defend us!”
When they learn the fact tremendous . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .When they learn the fact tremendous
That to give this man his gruel

In a Statutory Duel—

This plebeian man of shoddy—

This contemptible nobody—

Your Grand Duke does not refuse! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Your Grand Duke does not refuse!

[Duncan – incident 17.14] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 0:31 – 0:59)

With faltering feet,
And our muscles in a quiver,
Our fate we meet
With our feelings all unstrung!
If our plot complete
He has managed to diskiver,
There is no retreat—
We shall certainly be hung!

[Heather/Beth – incident 09.13] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 1:00 – 2:48)

[Heather] . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [Beth]

Now you begin and pitch it strong—walk into me abusively—

I’ve several epithets that I’ve reserved for you exclusively.
A choice selection I have here when you are ready to begin.

Big bombs, small bombs, great guns and little ones!
Put him in a pillory!
Rack him with artillery!

Long swords, short swords, tough swords and brittle ones!
Fright him into fits!
Blow him into bits!

You muff, sir!

You lout, sir!

Enough, sir!

Get out, sir! [pushes]

A hit, sir?

Take that, sir! [slaps]

It’s tit, sir,

For tat, sir!

When two doughty heroes thunder,
All the world is lost in wonder;
When such men their tempers lose,
Awful are the words they use!

Tall snobs, short snobs, rich snobs and needy ones!

Whom are you alluding to? [jostles]

Where are you intruding to? [jostles]

Fat snobs, thin snobs, swell snobs and seedy ones!

I rather think you err.
To whom do you refer?

To you, sir!

To me, sir?

I do, sir!

We’ll see, sir!

I jeer, sir! [makes a face]
Grimace, sir!

Look here, sir— [makes a face]
A face, sir!

When two doughty heroes thunder,
All the world is lost in wonder;
When two heroes, once pacific,
Quarrel, the effect’s terrific!

He has insulted me, and in a breath, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . He has insulted me, and in a breath,
This day we fight a duel to the death! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .This day we fight a duel to the death!

[Heather – incident 25.34] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 4:16 – 4:33)

My Lord Grand Duke, farewell!
A pleasant journey, very,
To your convenient cell
In yonder cemetery!

[Incident 25.34 continued]

[Heather – incident 11.14] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 4:34 – 5:24)

Though malcontents abuse you,
We’re much distressed to lose you!
You were, when you were living,
So liberal, so forgiving!
So merciful, so gentle!
So highly ornamental!
And now that you’ve departed,
You leave us broken-hearted!

Yes, truly, truly, truly, truly—
Truly broken-hearted!
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

[ Chef Hatchet – incident 24.04] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 5:42 – 6:11)

Give thanks, give thanks to wayward Fate—
By mystic Fortune’s sway,
Our Ludwig guides the helm of State
For one delightful day!
We hail you, sir!
We greet you, sir!
Regale you, sir!
We treat you, sir!
Our ruler be
By Fate’s decree
For one delightful day!

[Chef Hatchet – incident 24.16] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 6:32 – 7:01)

[ Chris – incident 27.02]

Oh, a Monarch who boasts intellectual graces
Can do, if he likes, a good deal in a day—
He can put all his friends in conspicuous places,
With plenty to eat and with nothing to pay!
You’ll tell me, no doubt, with unpleasant grimaces,
Tomorrow, deprived of your ribbons and laces,
You’ll get your dismissal—with very long faces—
But wait! On that topic I’ve something to say!

[Owen – incident 26.60] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 7:01 – 7:20)

Oh, our rule shall be merry—I’m not an ascetic—
And while the sun shines we will get up our hay—
By a pushing young monarch of turn energetic,
A very great deal may be done in a day!

[Chris – incident 27.83] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 7:21 – 7:49)

For instance, this measure (his ancestors drew it), . . .[alluding to Notary]
This law against duels—tomorrow will die—
The Duke will revive, and you’ll certainly rue it—
He’ll give you “what for” and he’ll let you know why!
But in twenty-four hours there’s time to renew it—
With a century’s life I’ve the right to imbue it—
It’s easy to do—and, by Jingo, I’ll do it! . . . . . . . . . . . [signing paper, which Notary presents]
It’s done! Till I perish your Monarch am I!
Your Monarch am I—Your Monarch am I—Your Monarch am I!

[Heather – incident 16.91] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 7:50 – 8:13)

Though I do not pretend to be very prophetic,
I fancy I know what you’re going to say—
By a pushing young Monarch, of turn energetic,
A very great deal may be done in a day!

Oh, it’s simply uncanny, his power prophetic—
It’s perfectly right—we were going to say,
By a pushing young Monarch, of turn energetic,
A very great deal may be done in a day!

[LeShawna/Gwen – incident 16.74] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 8:53 – 10:09)

Ah, pity me, my comrades true,
Who love, as well I know you do,
This gentle child,
To me so fondly dear!

Our sister love so true and deep
From many an eye unused to weep
Hath oft beguiled
The coy reluctant tear!

Each sympathetic heart ‘twill bruise
When you have heard the frightful new
(O will it not?)
That I must now impart!

Her love for him was all in all!
Ah, cursed fate! that it should fall
Unto my lot
To break my darling’s heart!

[Heather/Lindsay – incident 18.13] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 11:46 – 12:26)

Now don’t be foolish, dear—
You couldn’t play it, darling!
It’s “leading business,” pet.
And you’re but a soubrette.
So don’t be mulish, dear—
Although I say it, darling,
It’s not your line, my pet—
I play that part, you bet!

[Gwen – incident 16.42] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 12:58 – 14:13)

[Lindsay – incident 26.67]

The die is cast,
My hope has perished!
Farewell, O Past,
Too bright to last,
Yet fondly cherished!
My light has fled,
My hope is dead,
Its doom is spoken—
My day is night,
My wrong is right,
In all men’s sight—
My heart is broken!

[Owen – incident 26.12] (from Finale Act I, MIDI file 14:45 – 15:28, with opening recitative)

[Gwen – incident 26.68]

For this will be a jolly Court, for little and for big!

Sing hey, the jolly jinks of Pfennig Halbpfennig!

From morn to night our lives shall be as merry as a grig!

Sing hey, the jolly jinks of Pfennig Halbpfennig!

All state and ceremony we’ll eternally abolish—
We don’t mean to insist upon unnecessary polish—
And, on the whole, I rather think you’ll find our rule tollolish!

Sing hey, the jolly jinks of Pfennig Halbpfennig!

[Trent/Heather – incident 16.30] (recitative)

Your loyalty our Ducal heartstrings touches:
Allow me to present your new Grand Duchess.
Should she offend, you’ll graciously excuse her—
And kindly recollect I didn’t choose her!

[Harold – incident 27.71] (from “At the outset I may mention”, MIDI file 1:15 – 1:41)

At this juncture I may mention
That this erudition sham
Is but classical pretension,
The result of steady “cram”:
Periphrastic methods spurning,
To this audience discerning
I admit this show of learning
Is the fruit of steady “cram”!

[ Katie/Sadie – incident 05.12] (from “At the outset I may mention”, MIDI file 2:27 – 2:52)

And perhaps I’d better mention,
Lest alarming you I am,
That it isn’t our intention
To perform a Dithyramb
It displays a lot of stocking,
Which is always very shocking,
And of course I’m only mocking
At the prevalence of “cram”!

[original “Haute Camp-ture” synopsis – incident 22.45]

[Owen – incident 23.32] (from “At the outset I may mention”, MIDI file 2:53 – 3:38)

Yes, on reconsideration,
There are customs of that nation
Which are not in strict accordance with the habits of our day,
And when I come to codify,
Their rules I mean to modify,
Or Mrs. Grundy, p’r’aps, may have a word or two to say.
For they hadn’t mackintoshes
Or umbrellas or galoshes—
And a shower with their dresses must have played the very deuce,
And it must have been unpleasing
When they caught a fit of sneezing,
For, it seems, of pocket-handkerchiefs they didn’t know the use.
They wore little underclothing—
Scarcely anything—or nothing—
And their dress of Coan silk was quite transparent in design—
Well, in fact, in summer weather,
Something like the “altogether.”
And it’s there, I rather fancy, I shall have to draw the line!

[ Cody/Trent/Gwen – incident 08.32] (MIDI file 0:29 – 1:16)

[ D.J./Geoff/Bunny – incident 11.06]

Take care of him—he’s much too good to live,
With him you must be very gentle:
Poor fellow, he’s so highly sensitive,
And O, so sentimental!
Be sure you never let him sit up late
In chilly open air conversing—
Poor darling, he’s extremely delicate,
And wants a deal of nursing!

[Owen – incident 23.38] (from “Take care of him”, MIDI file 1:42 – 2:32)

His moods you must assiduously watch:
When he succumbs to sorrow tragic,
Some hardbake or a bit of butterscotch
Will work on him like magic.
To contradict a character so rich
In trusting love were simple blindness—
He’s one of those exalted natures which
Will only yield to kindness!

[Gwen – incident 16.43] (from “Take care of him”, MIDI file 2:33 – 2:57)

And O, the bygone bliss!
And O, the present pain!
That flower and that kiss—
That simple flower—that tender kiss
I ne’er shall give again!

[ Tyler/Lindsay – incident 01.30]

Now, Julia, come,
Consider it from
This dainty point of view—
A timid tender
Feminine gender,
Prompt to coyly coo—
Yet silence seeking,
Seldom speaking,
Till she’s spoken to—
A comfy, cozy,
Innocent ingenoo!
The part you’re suited to—
(To give the deuce her due)
A sweet (O, jiminy!)
Innocent ingenoo!

[Heather – incident 16.23] (from “Now, Julia, come”, MIDI file 0:45 – 1:11)

[Izzy – nature]

You forget my special magic
(In a high dramatic sense)
Lies in situations tragic—
Undeniably intense.
As I’ve justified promotion
In the histrionic art,
I’ll submit to you my notion
Of a first-rate part.

[Izzy – incidents 20.14, 22.21] [dramatically, spoken through music]

I have a rival! Frenzy-thrilled,
I find you both together!
My heart stands still—with horror chilled—
Hard as the millstone nether!
Then softly, slyly, snaily, snaky—
Crawly, creepy, quaily, quaky—
I track her on her homeward way,
As panther tracks her fated prey!

I fly at her soft white throat—
The lily-white laughing leman!
On her agonized gaze I gloat
With the glee of a dancing demon!
My rival she—I have no doubt of her—
So I hold on—till the breath is out of her!

—till the breath is out of her!
Izzy's hunting accident

And then--Remorse! Remorse!

And then—Remorse! Remorse!
O cold unpleasant corse,
Avaunt! Avaunt!
That lifeless form
I gaze upon—
That face, still warm
But weirdly wan—
Those eyes of glass
I contemplate—
And then, alas,
Too late—too late!
I find she is—your Aunt!

Remorse! Remorse!
Then, mad—mad—mad!
With fancies wild—chimerical—
Now sorrowful—silent—sad—
Now hullabaloo hysterical!
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
But whether I’m sad or whether I’m glad,
Mad! Mad! Mad! Mad!

This calls for the resources of a high-class art,
And satisfies my notion of a first-rate part!

[Heather/Lindsay – incident 18.24]

Your Highness, there’s a party at the door
Your Highness, at the door there is a party—
She says that we expect her,
But we do not recollect her,
For we never saw her countenance before!

With rage and indignation she is rife,
Because our welcome wasn’t very hearty—
She’s as sulky as a super,
And she’s swearing like a trooper,
O, you never heard such language in your life!

[Heather – incidents 06.03, 25.36] (from “Your Highness, there’s a party at the door”, MIDI file 0:40 – 1:03)

[LeShawna – incident 16.57]

[Eva – incident 22.26]

With fury indescribable I burn!
With rage I’m nearly ready to explode!
There’ll be grief and tribulation when I learn
To whom this slight unbearable is owed!
For whatever may be due I’ll pay it double—
There’ll be terror indescribable and trouble!
With a hurly-burly and a hubble-bubble
I’ll pay you for this pretty episode!

[Gwen – incident 17.07] (with opening recitative, MIDI file 0:52 – 3:25)

So ends my dream—so fades my vision fair!
Of hope no gleam—distraction and despair!
My cherished dream, the Ducal throne to share.
That aim supreme has vanished into air!

Broken every promise plighted
All is darksome—all is dreary.
Every newborn hope is blighted!
Sad and sorry—weak and weary!
Death the Friend or Death the Foe,
Shall I call upon thee? No!
I will go on living, though
Sad and sorry—weak and weary!

[LeShawna – incident 17.09] (from “So ends my dream”, MIDI file 3:46 – 5:03)

No, no! Let the bygone go by!
No good ever came of repining:
If today there are clouds o’er the sky,
Tomorrow the sun may be shining!
Tomorrow be kind,
Tomorrow, to me!
With loyalty blind
I curtsey to thee!
Today is a day of illusion and sorrow,
So viva tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow!
God save you, Tomorrow!
Your servant, Tomorrow!
God save you, Tomorrow, Tomorrow, Tomorrow!

[Gwen/Trent – incident 16.83]

If the light of love’s lingering ember
Has faded in gloom,
You cannot neglect, O remember,
A voice from the tomb!
That stern supernatural diction
Should act as a solemn restriction,
Although by a mere legal fiction
A voice from the tomb!

[Heather – incident 18.26] [in affected terror] (from “If the light of love’s lingering ember”, MIDI file 0:28 – 0:53)

I own that that utterance chills me—
It withers my bloom!
With awful emotion it thrills me—
That voice from the tomb!
Oh, specter, won’t anything lay thee?
Though pained to deny or gainsay thee,
In this case I cannot obey thee,
Thou voice from the tomb!

[Heather/Lindsay – incident 18.20] (from “If the light of love’s lingering ember”, MIDI file 0:54 – 1:24)

[Gwen/EPKWACAAH – incident 19.27]

[Heather – incident 23.23]

So, specter appalling,
I bid you good day—
Perhaps you’ll come calling
When passing this way.
Your bogydom scorning,
And all your love-lorning,
I bid you good morning,
I bid you good day.

[Lindsay/Heather – incident 18.32] (from “If the light of love’s lingering ember”, MIDI file 1:24 – 1:42)

My offer recalling,
Your words I obey—
Your fate is appalling
And full of dismay.
To pay for this scorning
I give you fair warning
I’ll haunt you each morning,
Each night, and each day!

[Boot camp trainees – incident 12.28] (MIDI file 2:45 – 4:58)

Come, bumpers—aye, ever so many
And then, if you will, many more!
This wine doesn’t cost us a penny,
Though it’s Pommery, Pommery seventy-four!
Old wine is a true panacea
For ev’ry conceivable ill,
When you cherish the soothing idea
That somebody else pays the bill!
Old wine is a pleasure that’s hollow
When at your own table you sit,
For you’re thinking each mouthful you swallow
Has cost you, has cost you a threepenny-bit!
So bumpers—aye, ever so many—
And then, if you will, many more!
This wine doesn’t cost us a penny,
Though it’s Pommery seventy-four!

I once gave an evening party
(A sandwich and cut-orange ball),
But my guests had such appetites hearty
That I couldn’t enjoy it, enjoy it at all!
I made a heroic endeavor
To look unconcerned, but in vain,
And I vowed that I never—oh never—
Would ask anybody again!
But there’s a distinction decided—
A difference truly immense—
When the wine that you drink is provided, provided,
At somebody else’s expense.
So bumpers—aye, ever so may—
The cost we may safely ignore!
For the wine doesn’t cost us a penny,
Though it’s Pommery seventy-four!

[Chris – incident 16.04]

We’re rigged out in magnificent array
(Our own clothes are much gloomier)
In costumes which we’ve hired by the day
From a very well-known costumier.

[Heather – incident 25.31]

Take my advice—when deep in debt,
Set up a bank and play Roulette!
At once distrust you surely lull,
And rook the pigeon and the gull.
The bird will stake his every franc
In wild attempt to break the bank—
But you may stake your life and limb
The bank will end by breaking him!

[Harold/Courtney/Duncan – incident 12.58] (recitative, MIDI file 0:13 – 0:43)

Forbear! This may not be!
Frustrated are your plans!
With paramount decree
The Law forbids the banns!

[LeShawna/Heather – incident 14.04] (MIDI file 0:43 – 1:24)

Well, you’re a pretty kind of fellow, thus my life to shatter, O!
My little store of gold and silver recklessly you scatter, O!
You guzzle and you gourmandize all day with cup and platter, O!
And eat my food and drink my wine—especially the latter, O!
But when compared with other crimes, for which your head I’ll batter, O!
This flibberty, gibberty
Kind of a liberty
Scarcely seems to matter, O!

[Gwen/Heather – incident 16.65] (verse 2 from “Well, you’re a pretty kind of fellow”, MIDI file 1:25 – 2:04; gender roles reversed in TDI)

My dainty bride—my bride-elect—you wheedle and you flatter, O!
With coarse and clumsy compliment, her senses you bespatter, O!
You fascinate her tough old heart with vain and vulgar patter, O!
Although—the deuce confound you—you’re unworthy to look at her, O!
But even this, compared with deeds that drive me mad as hatter, O!
This flibberty, gibberty
Kind of a liberty
Scarcely seems to matter, O!

[Heather/Chris – incident 25.39] (verse 3 from “Well, you’re a pretty kind of fellow”, MIDI file 2:05 – 2:47)

For O, you vulgar vagabond, you fount of idle chatter, O!
You’ve done a deed on which I vow you won’t get any fatter, O!
You fancy you’ve revived the law—mere empty brag and clatter, O!
You can’t—you shan’t—you don’t—you won’t—you thing of rag and tatter, O!
For this you’ll suffer agonies like rat in clutch of ratter, O!
This flibberty, gibberty
Kind of a liberty
‘S quite another matter, O!


Guide to Incidents

How to Use the Guide

Verse references are numbered in the format xx.yy, where xx is the TDI episode number, and yy is a sequence number. Thus, the notation 08.39 refers to the 39th incident reference in episode #8 (“Up the Creek”).

To move quickly between the verse and its Guide reference, use the Edit\Find command on the Web browser or PDF reader. For example, where the Guide has the reference

(Iolanthe 02.04)

search on the string 02.04 to find the related verse, and search again on the same string to return to the Guide reference. Don’t include the opera name in the search string.

In some cases, the search must be repeated more than once to return to the starting point. These will be situations where a single reference consists of multiple verses, some of which fit a second incident. (Verses fitting multiple incidents are somewhat common.) For example, verse reference 01.33 consists of three verses, with the third verse also fitting a second incident. The third verse therefore has the reference,

[Incident 01.33 continued]

in addition to the reference for the second incident. Returning to the starting point in the Guide to Incidents therefore requires three searches on the string 01.33: the first locates the beginning of the verse; the second stops at the continuation, and the third returns to the starting point in the Guide narrative.


Theme Song

This quartet from The Gondoliers is essentially a Gilbert & Sullivan counterpart to “I Want to be Famous”. It is an operatic convention that most individual songs don’t have titles, so the first line serves as an unofficial title.

Excerpt from Finale Act I, (MIDI file 2:55 – 5:28)

The Disney Princesses sing Gilbert and Sullivan

The Disney Princesses sing Gilbert and Sullivan

TDI-G&S theme song

Then one of us will be a Queen,
And sit on a golden throne,
With a crown instead
Of a hat on her head,
And diamonds all her own!
With a beautiful robe of gold and green,
I’ve always understood;
I wonder whether
She’d wear a feather?
I rather think she should!

Oh, ‘tis a glorious thing, I ween,
To be a regular Royal Queen!
No half-and-half affair, I mean,
But a right-down regular Royal Queen!

She’ll drive about in a carriage and pair,
With the King on her left-hand side,
And a milk-white horse,
As a matter of course,
Whenever she wants to ride.
With beautiful silver shoes to wear
Upon her dainty feet;
With endless stocks
Of beautiful frocks
And as much as she wants to eat!

Oh, ‘tis a glorious thing, I ween, etc.

Whenever she condescends to walk,
Be sure she’ll shine at that.
With her haughty stare
And her nose in the air,
Like a well-born aristocrat!
At elegant high society talk
She’ll bear away the bell,
With her “How de do?”
And her “How are you?”
And “I trust I see you well?”

Oh, ‘tis a glorious thing, I ween, etc.

And noble lords will scrape and bow,
And double themselves in two,
And open their eyes
In blank surprise
At whatever she likes to do.
And everybody will roundly vow
She’s fair as flowers in May,
And say, “How clever!”
At whatsoever
She condescends to say!

Oh, ‘tis a glorious thing, I ween, etc.


Links to Character Pages

Each regular TDI character has a character page including a description of his/her characterization on the show, character theme song, and (if applicable) relationship theme song(s). Eventually, some will also have additional verses that fit the character but don't necessarily fit any specific incidents.

In addition, several bit players that have verse references are collected on a single character page. With the exception of Mr. Coconut, these don't have theme songs.


Chris McLean

Chef Hatchet

Contestants (in alphabetical order)















Katie and Sadie








Bit players


Episode #1: Not So Happy Campers, part 1

For help with navigating the page using the incident reference numbering, see the ”How to Use the Guide” section above.

All hail, ye types of England’s power—
Ye heaven-enlightened band!
We bless the day, and bless the hour
That brought you to our land!
—from Utopia, Limited

The series premiere does little more than introduce the characters. The contestants are divided into teams and get settled in.

Chris McLean, a celebrity of some kind, greets the viewer and identifies himself as the host (Iolanthe 01.01, The Gondoliers 01.02). He explains the nature and structure of the competition, and states that the winner will receive, among other things, “cheesy tabloid fame” (Thespis 01.03, The Gondoliers 01.04). He also admits that the contestants have been deceived as to the nature of the competition venue (The Gondoliers 01.05)—they were told it would be held at a fancy resort, when it is actually being held at a derelict summer camp—so some of the contestants are likely to be angry.

One by one, the contestants begin to arrive (The Mikado 01.06). Among the first is Gwen, a Goth who, upon seeing that she has been duped, declares, “I didn’t sign up for this.” Chris begs to differ, producing a contract the size of a small phone book (Princess Ida 01.07).

Soon after, Heather arrives. Like Gwen, she has what will prove to be one of the most strongly negative reactions, declaring that she is calling her parents and that Chris cannot make her stay at the camp (Thespis 01.08). Chris says nothing, but smiles at the camera and flourishes the contract again.

Trent presently makes landfall. He is obviously a musician, as his gear includes a guitar (The Mikado 01.09). As he takes his place among the contestants who preceded him, he smiles at Gwen, who turns away in affected disdain. He has clearly made an impression, though; for Gwen’s sneer quickly gives way to a shy smile that she is careful to not let Trent see (Utopia Limited 01.10).

Bridgette is the next to arrive. Having been duped, like all the others, into believing the competition would be held at a seaside resort, she has brought her surfboard with her (The Mikado 01.11). Foreshadowing what will become her main running gag, she accidentally strikes Chris on the head with her board, and nearly serves several contestants in the same manner.

Katie and Sadie soon arrive, sporting matching outfits and hairstyles. Upon seeing that they have arrived at a summer camp, their faces light up with what will prove to be the most gleefully positive reactions of all the contestants. Indeed, the similarity of their reactions suggests what will become painfully clear soon enough: they “share a brain” and, although they have some physical differences, in terms of tastes and personalities there is really nothing to choose between them (Iolanthe 01.12).

Several arrivals later, Incredible Hunk Justin appears (Patience 01.13). All the girls whose reactions the viewer sees, as well as some of the boys—even the likes of juvenile delinquent Duncan—are impressed (Trial By Jury 01.14, Patience 01.15, Iolanthe 01.16). Sadie is the most affected of all, and faints dead away when Justin smiles (Trial By Jury 01.17). When Justin comes ashore, he passes in front of several of the girls. Katie and tough girl Eva are in ecstasy, and Sadie looks ready to faint again (Patience 01.18).

Izzy is the last to arrive. As she disembarks, she trips, smashes into the end of the dock, and plops into the lake. The alarmed Courtney, about whom the viewer knows nothing as yet, except that she is apparently a friendly and caring person (Patience 01.19), fishes her out, but finds that Izzy is none the worse. Quite the contrary: as dizzy Izzy shakes herself like a dog to dry off, she pronounces that, except for hitting her chin, she found the experience a pleasant one. This is first indication that the redhead is, to put it charitably, “a little different” (Ruddigore 01.20)

With all 22 archetypal contestants on the island, Chris assembles them on the dock for a full-cast promotional photo (Utopia Limited 01.21). After two false starts, he finally gets the photo just as the aging dock is collapsing under everyone’s weight.

After the contestants emerge from the lake and dry off as best they may, they reassemble at the campfire site. Chris gives them some basic information about the competition and the campground. When he comes to the sleeping arrangements, the gorgeous but dimwitted Lindsay asks to be given a lakeside view, on the grounds that she is the prettiest. Chris concedes that she is, indeed, the prettiest (Iolanthe 01.22, Ruddigore 01.23), but informs her that such distinctions are beside the point.

Chris divides the contestants into two teams: the Screaming Gophers and the Killer Bass. To the horror of Katie and Sadie, they are assigned to opposite teams, despite their claims that they will go through withdrawal-like symptoms if they are parted. As Courtney consoles her new teammate Sadie and leads her away, Sadie and Katie call out to each other, declaring that they miss each other (H.M.S. Pinafore 01.24)

The team assignments completed, Chris sends the teams to their cabins to get settled in. Cody loses no time hitting on Gwen, but she reacts coolly (Patience 01.25, Utopia Limited 01.26).

When Lindsay asks for electrical outlets, Chris informs her that the communal washroom is so equipped. In the original version, Lindsay mistakes the word “communal” for “communion”, and protests that she isn’t Catholic (The Pirates of Penzance 01.27). (Cartoon Network removed the joke from the U.S. version, because that network’s broadcast standards at the time strictly forbade any reference at all to religion).

Shortly thereafter, a tremendous scream, amplified by the PA system—not that it needed amplification—brings everyone to the girls’ side of the Gophers cabin, where a cockroach has cornered Lindsay. After several of the teens try to crush the insect underfoot, Duncan finally dispatches it—with an axe.

Seeing that this feat has impressed some of the others, the late-arriving Tyler assures Lindsay that he could have done as well, so she should call on him if she ever finds herself in such trouble again (Iolanthe 01.28). Their eyes meet, and Lindsay reacts shyly (Princess Ida 01.29, The Grand Duke 01.30). It is clear that Lindsay and Tyler are much attracted to each other (The Gondoliers 01.31), and indeed they will form the first romantic pairing (H.M.S. Pinafore 01.32, Princess Ida 01.33, The Gondoliers 01.34).

The next stop is the main lodge, for the contestants’ first meal. Most of the contestants find the food unappetizing (Princess Ida 01.35). When Geoff asks if they might have pizza delivered, Chef Hatchet throws a meat cleaver across the room. This demonstration has the desired effect, and it will be some time before any of the contestants dare to cross Hatchet again (Princess Ida 01.36). As the contestants eat, they speculate on what their first challenge will be like.

The major character development elements in this episode are the attraction between Lindsay and Tyler, Cody’s unwanted interest in Gwen, and the depiction of Chef Hatchet as a man who is not to be trifled with.


Episode #2: Not So Happy Campers, part 2

For help with navigating the page using the incident reference numbering, see the ”How to Use the Guide” section above.

In short, you will see from the facts that I’m showing,
The state of the case is exceedingly sad;
If Thespis’ people go on as they’re going,
Olympus will certainly go to the bad!
From Jupiter downwards, there isn’t a dab in it,
All of ‘em quibble and shuffle and shirk;
A premier in Downing Street, forming a Cabinet,
Couldn’t find people less fit for their work!
—from Thespis

The contestants, or “campers” as they are now called, face their first challenge: building a hot tub. To obtain the tools and materials they need, however, the campers must make a dangerous cliff dive. Those who succeed are rewarded with a portion of the construction tools and/or materials, so a team with too many “chickens” runs the risk of not acquiring everything they need. In keeping with the traditional exaggerations of animation, the diving cliff is 1,000 feet (300 meters) high.

The Killer Bass are the first team to face the dive. Bridgette dives first, because nobody else is willing to do so (The Mikado 02.01), and heartens her teammates by completing the dive without incident. Most of the remaining Bass follow suit; there are a few incidents, but none make the difference between success and failure. Two of the Bass refuse to dive: D.J. because he is afraid of heights, and Courtney because she wants no part of this insane exercise (The Mikado 02.02).

Finally, only Sadie and Izzy remain for the Bass. Sadie refuses to dive without her joined-at-the-hip buddy Katie, which is a problem because Katie is on the Gophers. The “twins” plead their case with much energy and, when Izzy volunteers to switch with Katie, the exasperated Chris surrenders (The Gondoliers 02.03). Katie and Sadie then make their dives together, and without incident.

When the Gophers face the dive, a problem immediately arises: Heather refuses to dive because she doesn’t want her hair mussed on national television, and Lindsay won’t dive if Heather doesn’t. Because Heather’s refusal is based on vanity rather than fear, a quarrel ensues between her and the stoutish homegirl, LeShawna. When Heather speaks the Famous Last Words, “Make me!” LeShawna does as she is bidden, picking Heather up and throwing her over the cliff (Iolanthe 02.04).

Except for Beth, who is too afraid to dive, the remaining Gophers make their dives without incident, until only the supersized Owen remains. With nine successful dives per team at that point, Owen must make the dive to gain an advantage for his team. With all eyes upon him (The Mikado 02.05), he is nervous, but resigned to whatever fate awaits him. His dive is successful, punctuated with an absurdly huge splash.

During the second phase of the challenge, the hot tub construction proceeds smoothly for the Gophers. The Bass are not so lucky, suffering several setbacks that suggest a general incompetence (Thespis 02.06). Geoff tries to rally his teammates, but they do not respond (Thespis 02.07), so the more-assertive Courtney steps in.

Launching her main running gag, Courtney declares, for the first time of many, that she has experience as a summer camp Counselor In Training (CIT), and that this is reason enough for her to be in charge of the project (Ruddigore 02.08). Duncan snidely asks her what to do and, when she actually has a relevant answer, the Bass accept her leadership (Utopia Limited 02.09). Due to general incompetence, incomplete supplies or both, however, the Bass fail to build a functional hot tub.

When Chris pronounces the Gophers the winners and declares their reward—a hot tub party that night, and continued use of the tub throughout the competition—the Gophers express their pleasure in various ways. Owen does a celebratory dance (Utopia Limited 02.10), which is a spectacle because he has removed all his clothing (Princess Ida 02.11).

Having lost the challenge, the Bass must send someone home. As they discuss their options in the lodge, over a gruel that passes for dinner, Ezekiel confesses that he can’t understand why the Bass lost, given that the Gophers have more girls. The sexist implications of Zeke’s confusion don’t sit well with Bridgette or Eva, who confront the farm boy (H.M.S. Pinafore 02.12) and demand an explanation for his remark. Oblivious to how he sounds to the girls, Ezekiel tries to “enlighten” them, only to dig himself ever deeper.

The Bass are assembled at the bonfire. As they wait for the elimination ceremony to begin, Duncan tells Ezekiel that the farm boy has much to learn about the real world (Princess Ida 02.13), Moments later, Chris explains the ceremony. He is holding a plate of marshmallows, and solemnly intones, “they represent life” (H.M.S. Pinafore 02.14). There are 11 campers, but only 10 marshmallows. The camper who is left empty-handed will be out of the competition; he or she must walk down the Dock of Shame, board the Boat of Losers, and depart.

With one marshmallow remaining, Courtney and Ezekiel are still on the chopping block. Chris milks the tension for all it is worth, taking a full 40 seconds to dispense the last talisman of survival. Finally, Ezekiel becomes the first camper eliminated (H.M.S. Pinafore 02.15, The Gondoliers 02.16) because, although he did his part in the challenge, his innocent sexism made him too many enemies. A public display of revolting personal habits didn’t help his cause (The Sorcerer 02.17). Chris offers that he finds the verdict unsurprising, and directs Zeke to the Dock of Shame (The Yeomen of the Guard 02.18). The farm boy trudges dejectedly down the dock (Iolanthe 02.19), and is last seen preparing to board the boat (Ruddigore 02.20).

A two-scene denouement follows. In a confessional spot, Gwen declares that she doesn’t like the camp any better now than when she arrived, but will nevertheless try to win, as opposed to trying to arrange an early escape (The Pirates of Penzance 02.21, Iolanthe 02.22). As the Gophers enjoy their party, Courtney appears in the foreground and darkly warns that nothing will stop her winning the competition, this early setback notwithstanding.

The major character development elements in this episode are the emergence of animosity between Heather and LeShawna, and the depiction of Courtney as the dominant personality among the Bass. Courtney’s initial friendliness quickly withers in the heat of her competitive fire.

The Bass’s incompetence in building the hot tub is a sign of things to come. The remaining episodes dealing with the team phase of the competition tend to depict the Gophers as being generally more capable than the Bass.


Episode #3: The Big Sleep

For help with navigating the page using the incident reference numbering, see the ”How to Use the Guide” section above.

Mighty maiden with a mission,
Paragon of common sense,
Running fount of erudition,
Miracle of eloquence,
We are blind, and we would see;
We are bound, and would be free;
We are dumb, and we would talk;
We are lame, and we would walk.
—from Princess Ida

Chris rouses the campers with the harshest wakeup call he can manage—an airhorn blown into his bullhorn (Utopia Limited 03.01). The campers file out of their cabins for their morning briefing, and Heather tries to ingratiate herself to Chris with a compliment on his manly physique (Trial By Jury 03.02). Chris has no shortage of self-esteem, though, so he merely accepts Heather’s flattery as his due.

Chris announces that the campers must complete a 20K run before they can have breakfast. This doesn’t sit well with Eva, who believes (correctly, in all likelihood) that Chris is having a twisted joke at their expense (The Grand Duke 03.03), and she appears ready to attack him (H.M.S. Pinafore 03.04). Duncan and Geoff manage to restrain her, as Courtney urges her to control her temper.

The campers begin their run. Several hours later, the last of the campers reach the finish. Owen, carrying the unconscious Noah, finishes just ahead of Harold , who staggers across the threshold, complaining of heart palpitations (Patience 03.05).

All the campers assume that the Gophers have won the challenge, until Chris informs them that the run wasn’t the actual challenge. Before the campers can vent their anger, Chris directs their attention to a sumptuous turkey buffet—the first decent food the campers have had since arriving on the island (The Sorcerer 03.06).

Only after the campers have gorged themselves does Chris drop the other shoe and reveal the true nature of the challenge (H.M.S. Pinafore 03.07). The contestant who can stay awake the longest wins immunity (or “invincibility”, as it is usually called on TDI) for his or her team. When asked, Chris admits that the run and buffet were intended to make the challenge more difficult. Chris will spring similar surprises several times throughout the competition.

Owen is the first down, although even he manages to last 12 hours. Shortly thereafter, Heather approaches Beth and Lindsay with an offer of alliance (The Gondoliers 03.08), figuring that Lindsay is stupid enough and Beth desperate enough to do anything she says (The Gondoliers 03.09). The lackeys-to-be, recognizing Heather’s superior social station and intelligence, happily accept her offer (Patience 03.10, Princess Ida 03.11) and exult at the prospect of joining her in the Final Three (The Gondoliers 03.12, Utopia Limited 03.13). Beth, still giddy, gushes further on this topic in the “confession can” (Princess Ida 03.14).

Heather loses no time asserting her dominance over her allies, insisting that Lindsay not pursue romantic dalliance with Tyler (Princess Ida 03.15, The Mikado 03.16) because he is on the opposing team. Lindsay quickly finds a loophole that seems good to her. She tells the private camera that Heather only forbade her to date Tyler, and didn’t say Lindsay couldn’t like him (Princess Ida 03.17, The Mikado 03.18).

By the 24-hour mark, only a few campers have fallen asleep, but the strain is starting to tell on the others. The half-awake Tyler sees a bear maul Katie and Sadie; but when the unharmed “twins” react to his horrified scream, the embarrassed jock realizes that the attack was just a figment of his sleep-deprived imagination (The Sorcerer 03.19). When Eva unknowingly drops her MP3 player, Heather surreptitiously pockets it, counting on the Bass’s most athletic player to react intemperately when she discovers her loss.

After 40 hours, eight of the 21 campers remain. Justin, who can sleep whilst standing, has cheated by painting false eyes on his eyelids, but he is eventually found out (The Gondoliers 03.20). Gwen and Trent, in an effort to stay awake, are conversing on anything that strikes their fancy. Among the topics they discuss is the technique for locating the Little Dipper (Thespis 03.21). Their alertness gets an unlooked-for boost when the naked Owen passes in front of them, leaving them with eyes wide open and expressions of deep dismay (The Pirates of Penzance 03.22).

In TDI’s first “B” story, Owen tours much of the island whilst sleepwalking in the nude. He ends up with a family of sasquatches, where he remains until his chronic flatulence persuades the legendary hominids to evict him.

After almost four days without sleep, Gwen outlasts Duncan for the victory; so the Bass, once again, must send someone home. They evict Eva after the temporary loss of her MP3 player sends her into a towering rage, during which she hurls accusations that alienate her teammates.

As the Boat of Loser cruises across the lake, Eva addresses the camera in what will prove to be the season’s only “exit interview”. Acknowledging that her temper got the better of her—again—she sullenly expresses the hope that her ex-teammates realize that they have voted off their fiercest competitor (The Sorcerer 03.23)

In terms of character development, this episode is one of the season’s most important. Gwen demonstrates, for the first time, the endurance and willpower that will serve her so well. Gwen also begins to bond with Trent, laying the groundwork for what will become a major storyline. Heather establishes the first formal alliance and begins to emerge as the show’s villain.


Episode #4: Dodgebrawl

For help with navigating the page using the incident reference numbering, see the ”How to Use the Guide” section above.

I’m Captain Corcoran, K.C.B.,
I’ll teach you how we rule the sea,
And terrify the simple Gauls;
And how the Saxon and the Celt
Their Europe-shaking blows have dealt
With Maxim gun and Nordenfelt
(Or will, when the occasion calls).
—from Utopia, Limited

As the campers are eating breakfast, Heather again asserts her dominance over her new allies (H.M.S. Pinafore 04.01), setting down self-serving ground rules. Beth and Lindsay are not pleased, but are so desperate to be in the alliance that they dare not refuse Heather anything (The Mikado 04.02, The Grand Duke 04.03, The Grand Duke 04.04).

After breakfast, the campers assemble on a playing court, where Chris reveals the challenge—a best-of-five dodgeball match—and begins to explain the rules. Noah is unimpressed; his voice dripping sarcasm, he declares this “another mentally challenging test.” He is taken aback when the dimwitted Lindsay, missing his sarcasm or unable to understand sarcasm, acknowledges that she does, indeed, regard throwing balls as a stern mental test (Princess Ida 04.05). Too stern, perhaps: in the course of the rules briefing, Lindsay takes the first of several shots to the face.

In Game 1, the Gophers falter after a strong start, and Cody ends up facing two Bass alone. The Bass believe, not unreasonably, that dispatching the science geek will be a simple matter, but there is more to Cody than meets the eye (Ruddigore 04.06). Using his brain instead of his brawn, he exploits his knowledge of certain scientific principles (The Pirates of Penzance 04.07) to throw out D.J. and Katie, winning Game 1 for the Gophers.

When Heather taps Noah for the Gophers’ Game 2 lineup, Noah demurs, saying that he doesn’t want to disrupt the Game 1 lineup, which was clearly a good one (Iolanthe 04.08). The truth, however, is that he simply has no interest in athletic competition of any sort, either as a player or as a spectator. Noah will do little but read his book the entire match (Princess Ida 04.09)

In Game 2, Tyler demands all the balls from his Bass teammates, insisting that he can dominate the game. Naturally, his attempt to do so fails miserably, although he does succeed in throwing out the equally useless Lindsay. After Tyler is himself thrown out, he and the heavily battered Lindsay abandon the match and go off together. Heather is outraged at her lackey’s disobedience (H.M.S. Pinafore 04.10), but has more immediate concerns. Not for long, though—a berserker fury overcomes Owen, who singlehandedly throws out the remaining Bass in short order. Leaving the court strewn with Bass bodies, Owen modestly admits that he doesn’t know what came over him (Utopia Limited 04.11)

The Bass, down 2-0, are badly demoralized (Thespis 04.12). They gingerly rouse Duncan from his slumber—like Gwen, he has remained seriously impaired following the Awake-a-thon—because they realize that they can’t win without him (Utopia Limited 04.13). Duncan reacts angrily but is quickly placated, and agrees to play on the condition that the others do whatever he says (Utopia Limited 04.14). With nothing to lose, the Bass accept his terms and rally behind his concentration-of-fire tactics, winning games 3 and 4.

Heather, meanwhile, has gone in search of her wayward ally, and finds her under the dock with Tyler. Lindsay is apologetic, but Tyler tells Heather off (H.M.S Pinafore 04.15, Iolanthe 04.16). In response, Heather throws a kayak down onto Tyler (Iolanthe 04.17), and hauls Lindsay back to the Gophers bench.

In the deciding fifth game, the Bass abandon their concentration tactics, perhaps fearing going too often to the well. As a result, game 5 is a lengthy affair. It eventually comes down to a David and Goliath scenario, with Harold defeating the mighty Owen (The Yeomen of the Guard 04.18). The Bass carry Harold off on their shoulders (The Yeomen of the Guard 04.19), leaving Owen to lament theatrically (The Pirates of Penzance 04.20, The Yeomen of the Guard 04.21).

At the elimination ceremony, the Gophers send Noah packing because he showed no real interest in his team’s fortunes during the match. Noah can’t believe that the last marshmallow has gone to the useless Lindsay instead of to him—never mind that Lindsay had actually tried. Paralleling Eva’s sentiment from the episode before, Noah snidely wishes his ex-teammates luck, given that they had just voted off “the only one with any brains” (Utopia Limited 04.22).

This episode develops the dominant personalities of Courtney and Heather, and the attraction between “star-crossed lovers” Lindsay and Tyler. This is also the episode that most prominently displays Owen’s “blimp of steel” aspect.


Episode #5: Not Quite Famous

For help with navigating the page using the incident reference numbering, see the ”How to Use the Guide” section above.

I know a maid who loves a gallant youth,
(Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!)
She cannot tell him all the sad, sad truth—
(Hey, but I think that little maid will die!)
Now tell me pray, and tell me true,
What in the world should the maiden do?
—from Ruddigore

As the campers assemble at the amphitheater for the morning briefing, Trent calls to Gwen, inviting her to a seat he has saved for her. Cody approaches from Trent’s opposite side and, when all are seated, mimics Trent’s gestures of coolness (Patience 05.01) as best he may in an attempt to impress Gwen (H.M.S. Pinafore 05.02). The Goth appears not to notice, having eyes only for Trent (Ruddigore 05.03).

Chris informs the campers that their next challenge will center on a talent show. Each team is to present three acts. In one of his many support roles, Chef Hatchet will judge (Utopia Limited 05.04). The highest individual score—not cumulative team score—wins, although this is never explicitly stated.

Heather appoints herself team captain of the Gophers (Iolanthe 05.05). When Gwen objects, Heather explains sweetly that she, Beth and Lindsay voted on the matter (Trial By Jury 05.06, Iolanthe 05.07). Gwen continues to protest, pointing out that Heather threatening her lackeys doesn’t constitute a fair vote, but Gwen gets no support from her other teammates because nobody else—least of all Gwen herself—wants the job (Iolanthe 05.08). Having no talent of the sort that would be useful in a talent show, Gwen soon stalks off to “anywhere that’s not here.” Heather, believing (mistakenly) that Gwen is up to something, sends Lindsay to spy on her.

Once again, the Gophers are depicted as being generally more capable than the Bass, displaying several competent acts during the auditions. Most of the Bass auditions, on the other hand, are lackluster, at least in the eyes of team captain Courtney, who is judging. Courtney acts imperiously, cutting short Bridgette’s audition and cutting off Harold the instant he inhales as if to sing (Princess Ida 05.09), but no one tries to second-guess her (Utopia Limited 05.10). Although most of the Bass find Katie & Sadie’s dance act appalling (Iolanthe 05.11, The Grand Duke 05.12), only Tyler is truly inept. The jock’s attempt at yo-yo tricks ends with him bound hand and foot in the string.

Lindsay is spying on Gwen when Tyler, still bound, waddles by near the uberbimbo’s position. Bored with watching Gwen write in her diary, Lindsay is distracted and follows her boyfriend (The Sorcerer 05.13). They are soon making out passionately in the communal washroom. In the process, Lindsay has somehow worked her way under the yo-yo string, and is now bound together with Tyler (Iolanthe 05.14)

Cody, meanwhile, has tracked Gwen down and tries again to chat her up, with much the same results as on the first day at camp (Thespis 05.15). She demands that he leave her in peace (The Mikado 05.16), but he does no such thing and continues trying to make small talk (Patience 05.17, Patience 05.18). Finally, though, Cody crosses the line. When he sniffs Gwen because the brand of soap she uses “smells pretty”, she shrinks from him in alarm (Princess Ida 05.19).

By the time Gwen returns to camp, with Cody following her like a dog attending its master (Patience 05.20), Lindsay has returned and reported to Heather. The latter needles Gwen about her and Cody supposedly forming “the first hookup of the season” (Ruddigore 05.21) and Gwen, with equal sarcasm, describes an apocryphal love scene (Thespis 05.22). The Goth quickly changes into her swimwear and heads to the dock.

As Gwen departs, Trent approaches her and offers his company. Gwen is clearly pleased, but has a public image to maintain, so she catches herself and replies with studied indifference (Patience 05.23, Patience 05.24, Utopia Limited 05.25). After the pair have gone, Heather resolves to find Gwen’s diary.

Bridgette’s clumsiness leads to an accident that destroys Courtney’s violin, depriving the Bass of their strongest act. As showtime approaches, Heather taunts Bridgette about the accident, suggesting (with no evidence) that the surfer girl might have deliberately sabotaged her teammate because she felt threatened. Bridgette replies testily that the Bass are a team, and that such tactics are beneath them (Utopia Limited 05.26).

During the show, the Gophers take an early lead when Trent sings a love song to an unnamed fellow camper (Utopia Limited 05.27).

Bridgette, in lieu of Courtney’s violin solo, takes the stage with the intention of walking about on her hands for 20 minutes, but this is not to be. The combination of nerves, overindulgence in junk food, and her inverted position triggers a bout of projectile vomiting that leaves the stage in urgent need of cleanup. After a short break for said cleanup, Chris reveals that Bridgette received a token score for her pains (Utopia Limited 05.28).

Heather, who is the Gophers’ last act, surprises everyone by replacing her scheduled dance routine with a public reading from Gwen’s stolen diary (Utopia Limited 05.29). This reading, combined with Trent’s song, reveals that Gwen and Trent have crushes on each other, although neither song nor diary reveals names, and neither of these would-be lovers are ready to declare their feelings openly (The Sorcerer 05.30, Ruddigore 05.31).

Heather’s “act” apparently does not receive a score, but it doesn’t appear to matter. With the first two Bass acts failing badly for unforeseen reasons, the Gophers appear to have a commanding lead. In the end, however, Harold—whose act was a last-minute replacement by the Bass and whom Courtney had not even allowed to audition—saves his team for the second straight challenge, this time with his unsuspected talent for beatboxing (The Pirates of Penzance 05.32).

After declaring the Bass the winners, Chris instructs the Gophers to “pick [their] favorite loser” to send home (The Mikado 05.33). Although Heather’s humiliation of Gwen alienates most of the other campers, Heather retains enough influence among the Gophers to get Justin voted off instead of herself (Iolanthe 05.34). She does not, however, escape unscathed. Gwen asks Harold for his red ant farm, and releases the colony onto Heather’s bed. The Dark Queen discovers this too late, and runs screaming into the night (The Pirates of Penzance 05.35).

Although not apparent at the time, the diary incident was a major strategic blunder on Heather’s part. Had she stuck to her dancing, Gwen would likely have shared Noah’s fate, and for similar reasons. By publicly humiliating Gwen, however, Heather cast the Goth in the role of sympathetic victim, giving her popular support when she needed it most. By the time the Gophers lost another challenge, Gwen had begun to come out of her shell and was never again seriously threatened.

In this episode, the enmity between Gwen and Heather begins to emerge as a major storyline. This episode also provides the first indication that Izzy and Owen have a good deal in common. This commonality blossoms into romance late in the season. Bridgette has a rough time of it, and expected to be the one sent home until Harold salvaged the challenge for the Bass.


Episode #6: The Sucky Outdoors

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But the darkness is past,
And it’s daylight at last,
And the night has been long—
Ditto ditto my song—
And thank goodness they’re both of them over!
—from Iolanthe

The challenge is an overnight camping trip that tests the teams’ orienteering and survival skills. The teams’ first task is to find their designated campsites, with the aid of a map and compass. The campsites will have tents (which the campers must pitch themselves) and other equipment, but no food. The campers must live off the land or go without. The first team to return to base camp the next morning wins.

As the Gophers begin the hike to their campsite, the despondent Gwen sets the pace, avoiding contact with her teammates. Heather vows that Gwen will be the next Gopher sent home for releasing Harold’s red ant farm into Heather’s bed after the Diary Incident (Iolanthe 06.01, Utopia Limited 06.02, The Grand Duke 06.03). Trent rises to Gwen’s defense, and a brief quarrel ensues.

The Gophers locate their campsite without incident. The Bass likewise think they have done so; but unknown to anyone at the time, Katie and Sadie have become separated from their teammates. The “twins” soon realize that they are lost, and Sadie rails at Katie for the latter’s faulty sense of direction (Ruddigore 06.04). A lengthy quarrel ensues. A later episode reveals that this fight is the first serious falling-out that Katie and Sadie have ever had. After many harsh words and some bad frights, they spend the night in a cave.

With their campsites located and their tents pitched, the teams consider the problem of food. At the Bass camp, D.J. has acquired a sickly rabbit. When Duncan concedes that he is willing to try rabbit stew, the indignant D.J. states that “Bunny”, as he has named it, is his new pet. (Bunny will play a pivotal role in a later episode.) With D.J. having found nothing else edible, the Bass resign themselves to a dinner of grubs and berries.

For the Gophers, the food question is quickly solved when Owen appears with a collection of fish. As the fish cook, Owen recounts a particularly memorable bear hunt he once went on with his grandfather (The Yeomen of the Guard 06.05).

The Gophers suddenly realize that Izzy has been missing for some time. Shortly thereafter, a bear appears and the terrified Gophers take to the trees. When the branch supporting LeShawna breaks, and the bear corners her, her horrified teammates fear the worst. It soon comes to light, however, that neither LeShawna nor the other Gophers were in any real danger—the “bear” is actually Izzy in a bear suit. Not long afterward, however, a real bear appears and the Gophers again take to the trees, where they are forced to spend the night.

Meanwhile, at the Bass campsite, Duncan regales his teammates with a scary story about a killer with a prosthetic hand. At the climax of his tale, he suggests that the killer is still at large, “maybe even right here!” He punctuates this last by suddenly producing a large hook on one of his hands, and responds to his teammates’ screams with evil stage laughter. Courtney, recovering from her initial shock, angrily pronounces his joke “vile” (The Yeomen of the Guard 06.06).

The Bass have no encounters with dangerous wildlife, but that doesn’t stop them worrying about it, and most are too anxious to sleep (Iolanthe 06.07). When Bridgette leaves the tent to relieve herself, she brings her team to grief for the second straight episode. Blinded and terrified by a close encounter with a bat, she accidentally kicks a hot coal onto the tent. The Bass, like the Gophers, must then sleep under the stars. Adding insult to injury, it soon begins to rain.

Morning comes, and the bear has gone. The Gophers are stiff and sore from trying to sleep in the tree (Iolanthe 06.08), and descend to find that their map has been ruined in the rain. When Izzy begins to complain of her stiffness, the irritated Heather condemns her and Owen for having attracted the bear with their antics (The Yeomen of the Guard 06.09, The Grand Duke 06.10)

The Bass are not so badly off, as they were at least able to stretch out on the ground. As they begin to awaken, Bridgette is using Geoff as a pillow, and Courtney is using Duncan the same way (The Sorcerer 06.11, The Sorcerer 06.12). As Courtney awakens, she realizes what she is doing and recoils in horror (The Sorcerer 06.13).

The Gophers race back to base camp, only to find the Bass already there. Heather begins to rail at Owen and Izzy, blaming them for costing the Gophers the challenge, but Chris interrupts to point out that Katie and Sadie are still missing. Courtney and Duncan suggest that the “twins” were probably eaten by wolves, implying that the team shouldn’t be held responsible (The Yeomen of the Guard 06.14).

The uneaten Katie and Sadie soon arrive and, when their joy and relief at having survived subsides, Courtney archly informs them that their becoming lost has cost the Bass the challenge. It is thus inevitable that the “Siamese campers” will be separated at the elimination ceremony. Sure enough, when Chris’ plate is down to one marshmallow, both of the “twins” are still waiting (The Gondoliers 06.15). The axe falls, and it is Katie’s head that rolls.

As the Boat of Losers pulls away from the dock, Katie and Sadie repeatedly proclaim how much they already miss each other, with each insisting that she misses the other more (H.M.S. Pinafore 06.16).

This episode gives the first indication the Courtney is attracted to Duncan; but she is not ready to admit her feelings, even to herself. It also features the first of several clumsy overtures by Geoff toward Bridgette, and is the first episode to feature Izzy prominently.


Episode #7: Phobia Factor

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With “only” 13 verse references (including a verse used twice) and 84 lines of verse, this is the most lightly referenced episode.

Though in body and in mind,
We are timidly inclined,
And anything but blind
To the danger that’s behind,
Yet, when the danger’s near,
We manage to appear
As insensible to fear
As anybody here.
—from The Pirates of Penzance

In this parody of the reality show, Fear Factor, the campers must face their worst fears. The team with the highest number of brave souls wins. (The Gophers have two more players, but Chris has a way to compensate for this.) As with Fear Factor, several of the trials actually test the contestant’s ability to control revulsion, rather than the ability to face fear. It is the only episode in which the beginning of the story is set on the same night as the previous elimination.

After seeing Katie off, most of the Bass have returned to the bonfire, but Sadie is still sobbing uncontrollably on the dock (Patience 07.01). It is with some effort that Bridgette finally leads her back to their teammates.

As they return to their teammates, the Gophers appear (Princess Ida 07.02) and offer to share their leftover Tuck Shoppe goodies (H.M.S. Pinafore 07.03), which were the Gophers’ reward for winning the previous challenge. Some of the Bass are initially skeptical of the Gophers’ motives, but this does not last—the teams are rivals, not enemies. The campfire conversation eventually turns into a confession of everyone’s worst fears.

When Chris announces the next challenge—the campers must face their worst fears—the campers realize with horror that their camaraderie at the campfire the night before provided Chris with all the information he needed.

Beth is up first, and must immerse herself in a vat of earthworms. Possibly because this isn’t actually her confessed fear—she is afraid of being covered by bugs, not worms—she merely shrugs her shoulders and dives in headlong, showing less concern than several of the onlookers (The Pirates of Penzance 07.04). Of the other campers, only Harold will show similar assurance when his turn comes.

Harold’s confessed fear is of ninjas. When faced with a trio of the feudal assassins, however, he reacts with aplomb. Producing a nunchaku, Harold dazzles his adversaries with his fancy maneuvers. Too fancy, as it turns out, for Harold accidentally knocks himself out. He did, however, face his trial with utter fearlessness (H.M.S. Pinafore 07.05)

Heather’s confessed fear is of sumo wrestlers, so she must face one (The Mikado 07.06). The terrified queen bee can do nothing but cower in a ball (Princess Ida 07.07), but is lucky enough to have the onrushing wrestler trip over her.

Gwen’s trial is to be buried alive in a glass coffin, and to remain buried for five minutes. Trent assures her that she has enough air for far longer than that, whereupon Chris interjects, “As long as we decide to dig you up.” Gwen is not amused (The Pirates of Penzance 07.08), but completes her trial successfully—no thanks to Trent, who is chased off by his own phobia object (a mime) and so does not excavate Gwen when he promised to.

Izzy and Owen share a fear of flying, so Chef Hatchet takes them aloft in a ramshackle light plane that looks like it could fall to pieces at any moment. Both pass the test, presumably by not fainting or dying of fright. When the plane lands, both Izzy and Owen stumble out of the plane and begin passionately kissing the ground (The Sorcerer 07.09)

Cody’s trial is to defuse a bomb under time pressure. He is given 10 minutes to defuse a “garbage bomb”, and is provided with the instructions to complete his task, but cannot handle the pressure. When the bomb goes off, he is so covered in garbage that he is barely recognizable as human.

The dazed science geek stumbles away, looking for anyone to assist him. He eventually comes to Bridgette’s position (The Pirates of Penzance 07.10), where the surfer girl has been charged to spend six hours alone in the woods. She is holding up reasonably well until Cody appears. Bridgette does not recognize him, and flees in terror (Princess Ida 07.11).

Heather is mistakenly credited with success, and Harold is mistakenly charged with failure, but this does not affect the outcome. The Gophers’ victory is sealed when Courtney, with a heavy heart, cannot summon the nerve to dive from a dangerous height into a vat of jelly (The Mikado 07.12).

The self-pitying Courtney tells the private camera that she deserves to be voted off, but she is reprieved. The Bass expel Tyler, who had the most miserable failure. His girlfriend Lindsay, being a Gopher, is not present for the sendoff but sends him an affectionate farewell in a confessional spot (The Gondoliers 07.13).

This episode further develops the bond between Gwen and Trent, as well as the commonality between Izzy and Owen. For the first time, Heather remains in the background.


Episode #8: Up the Creek

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This is the most heavily referenced of the early episodes, and is the first of five episodes to have verse references from all 14 Gilbert & Sullivan operettas.

It’s the song of a merrymaid, nestling near,
Who loved her lord—but who dropped a tear
At the moan of the merryman, moping mum,
Whose soul was sad and whose glance was glum,
Who sipped no sup and who craved no crumb
As he sighed for the love of a lady!
—from The Yeomen of the Guard

The teams must travel by canoe to the neighboring Boney Island, carry their canoes across the island, build a signal fire, and return to camp. The first team back wins.

Most of the campers will paddle in pairs. As they come to the canoes and begin to pair off, Gwen and Trent gaze longingly at each other, but each is clearly waiting for the other to make the first move (Ruddigore 08.01). Their hesitation costs them when the ever-optimistic Cody accosts Gwen, and Beth and Lindsay claim Trent.

As the crews prepare for the race, D.J. nervously questions his shipmate Geoff about certain aspects of canoe travel. Although D.J.’s stated reason for failing to make the cliff dive in the first challenge (episode #2, “Not So Happy Campers”, part II, a.k.a. “The Not So Great Outdoors”, part II) was that he is afraid of heights, D.J. confesses to the private camera that he is also afraid of the water (H.M.S. Pinafore 08.02).

The race begins. Cody quickly tries to arrange a date with Gwen, but has no more success than with his earlier, less direct attempts to get close to her (Thespis 08.03). She tells him, as simply as she may, that he has no chance with her (H.M.S. Pinafore 08.04, Iolanthe 08.05, The Mikado 08.06), but he will not be deterred (H.M.S. Pinafore 08.07, Patience 08.08), and Gwen must finally resort to violence to make her point (The Yeomen of the Guard 08.09). As Cody drops (H.M.S. Pinafore 08.10), the supremely self-confident science geek suggests to the confessional camera that Gwen simply isn’t ready for his “manly charms” (Patience 08.11).

Geoff, meanwhile, has also been unlucky in love, with Bridgette reacting poorly to his latest well-meaning but graceless gesture (Princess Ida 08.12). Geoff describes the incident to D.J. (The Sorcerer 08.13), who counsels him on how to court Bridgette without frightening or alienating her (Princess Ida 08.14, The Yeomen of the Guard 08.15).

Having recovered from Gwen’s rebuke, Cody suggests that she is acting coldly toward him because she has feelings for Trent (The Sorcerer 08.16, Ruddigore 08.17). He does not see her reaction, but his speculation has clearly struck a nerve. Making a fateful decision, Cody gives up on Gwen (H.M.S. Pinafore 08.18, Patience 08.19, The Mikado 08.20) and offers to approach Trent on her behalf (Patience 08.21). Gwen is impressed, and admits that she will owe Cody a favor if he can arrange for her and Trent to share a boat on the return trip (Ruddigore 08.22, The Gondoliers 08.23).

The contestants arrive at Boney Island and begin their portage. After two frightening but harmless encounters with dangerous wildlife, the Gophers face another problem when Trent and Lindsay become trapped in quicksand. As they sink, Cody swings (literally) into action. Although he bumbles his plan, his failure happens to provide Trent with the means to extricate himself and Lindsay, and both are happy to give Cody full credit (Princess Ida 08.24).

The teams reach the fire-building site. With Trent in a receptive mood, Cody decides that the time is ripe to discuss Gwen (Iolanthe 08.25). Admitting his own failure with her (H.M.S. Pinafore 08.26), Cody repeats his speculation that Trent is the boy she wants. Trent reacts angrily at first, suspecting that Cody is toying with him (The Pirates of Penzance 08.27), but is soon convinced of Cody’s sincerity and asks his advice on how to approach Gwen. Cody describes his plan off-camera (Iolanthe 08.28, Princess Ida 08.29).

The Bass gain an early advantage in the fire-building test because Duncan has a lighter with him. (The delinquent is probably a smoker, but underage smoking can’t be depicted on television.) As the Bass scatter to search for enough wood to make a proper signal fire, Harold spots a convenient supply of wood—the oars. Heedless of the consequences, and before anyone can guess his intent, Harold grabs all his team’s oars and dumps them on the fire. The Bass are now stranded, and helplessly condemn Harold (The Grand Duke 08.30).

The Gophers eventually win the fire-building portion of the challenge, thanks to a massive incendiary device Izzy brought with her, but this “victory” brings no discernable reward. With her customary cheer, the scorched Izzy recounts a similar incident that led to her being wanted by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP).

As the Gophers prepare for their return trip, Cody executes his plan to bring Trent and Gwen together. Cody suggests that Lindsay and Trent, who previously shared a canoe, should be separated for the return trip because they are supposedly traumatized from the quicksand incident. Cody offers to take Trent’s former place with Beth and Lindsay, thus leaving Trent to paddle back with Gwen (The Yeomen of the Guard 08.31, The Grand Duke 08.32). Trent is, of course, agreeable to Cody’s proposal (Utopia Limited 08.33). As Gwen and Trent depart, she favors her former suitor with an appreciative glance (Trial By Jury 08.34, The Mikado 08.35, The Yeomen of the Guard 08.36), and with a gesture Cody wishes her well (The Sorcerer 08.37, Patience 08.38, Iolanthe 08.39, Iolanthe 08.40, Utopia Limited 08.41).

As the Bass lament their fate, the passing Izzy tells them of an incident (probably fictitious) where she and the passengers and crew of a large ship had to propel it by flutter kicking when its engines failed (Ruddigore 08.42). This gives the Bass an idea. They throw their boats together in a pile and appeal to D.J. to be their “engine”—they know he is afraid of the water, but only he has the strength to make the plan work. D.J. realizes this as well, and agrees to try (The Mikado 08.43).

Behind a heroic effort by D.J., with his teammates cheering him on (H.M.S. Pinafore 08.44), the Bass win the race and the challenge. LeShawna angrily upbraids her partner Izzy, threatening dire consequences for the latter’s loose lips.

The elimination ceremony is interrupted, with only Izzy and Lindsay still emptyhanded, when an RCMP helicopter team arrives to arrest Izzy. Stunned, the other Gophers realize that she really was on the run from the law (The Mikado 08.45). With a shout of defiance, Izzy runs off, laughing maniacally, effectively being eliminated by default, but leaving Chris with an empty loser boat (The Yeomen of the Guard 08.46).

Several denouement scenes follow. The most dramatically important of these signals impending trouble for the Gophers: Beth, having missed the pre-race briefing—most notably Chris’ warning that a curse will befall anyone who brings anything back from Boney Island—has found and brought back a tiki idol, unbeknownst to her teammates. This implicitly sets up a losing streak that puts the Gophers at a numerical advantage for the first (and only) time.

A more personal scene shows Gwen and Trent sitting on the dock, content to quietly enjoy each other’s presence (Thespis 08.47, H.M.S. Pinafore 08.48, The Gondoliers 08.49, Utopia Limited 08.50, Utopia Limited 08.51). In another, Cody collects on a wager with Owen, with Gwen’s (off-camera) assistance.

A third suggests that Bridgette is beginning to warm up to Geoff, in spite of his romantic clumsiness. When the surfer girl drops and shatters the crude change dish Geoff made for her in Arts & Crafts, she asks Courtney for some glue. When Courtney pronounces, with a sniff, that she wouldn’t bother trying to repair it, Bridgette replies softly, as if to herself, “Maybe I would” (H.M.S. Pinafore 08.52).

The major character development elements in this episode are the depiction of Izzy’s theatrical madness and the resolution of the Cody-Gwen-Trent love triangle, with Cody moving to the “friend zone”.


Episode #9: Paintball Deer Hunter

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When two doughty heroes thunder,
All the world is lost in wonder;
When such men their tempers lose,
Awful are the words they use!
—from The Grand Duke

After another of Chris’ harsh wakeup calls (Utopia Limited 09.01) and an opening vignette revealing that Beth and Lindsay have effectively become Heather’s slaves, each team is divided into hunters armed with paintball guns, and “deer” identified by a costume consisting of antlers, a tail and a nose. The Bass hunters (Bridgette, Geoff, Harold) will hunt the Gopher “deer” (Cody, Gwen, Heather, Trent), and the Gopher hunters (Beth, LeShawna, Lindsay, Owen) will hunt the Bass “deer” (Courtney, D.J., Duncan, Sadie).

Given a head start, the “deer” take the field. Gwen and Trent remain together, but the others quickly scatter. D.J. gets deeply into character and spends most of the episode behaving like a real dear, running about on all fours, grazing, etc. As for the hunters, most take the field with enthusiasm (Princess Ida 09.02).

Beth and Lindsay eventually pass close to Heather’s position. Clearing her throat to get their attention (Utopia Limited 09.03), Heather sends her servants on errands to get food for her. The Dark Queen does not appear concerned that she is seriously handicapping her team’s chances by effectively taking half of the Gophers’ hunters out of the game. Lindsay is happy to do her liege’s bidding (The Gondoliers 09.04), but Beth is not, partly because her mission—stealing a bag of chips from the dining hall—is a good deal more dangerous than Lindsay’s task of gathering berries.

Beth sneaks into the dining hall (The Pirates of Penzance 09.05, The Yeomen of the Guard 09.06) and, after much danger and difficulty, succeeds in bearing away a bag of chips (The Yeomen of the Guard 09.07). Suddenly realizing what she risked for Heather, whom she doesn’t even like (The Gondoliers 09.08), Beth begins to consume the chips herself during the return trip. When she reaches Heather’s position, only a handful of chips remain, and they happen to be the flavor Heather forbade. The irritated tyrant sends Beth back for another bag, but Beth refuses outright. As Beth departs, stating her intent to actually do her part in the challenge, Heather is at a loss for words (Utopia Limited 09.09).

No sooner has Beth departed than Bridgette and Harold spot Heather and shoot her, scoring two points for the Bass. (As it turns out, Heather will be the only “deer” to actually be hit, although Owen spends much time and ammunition in a fruitless pursuit of D.J. that serves as a “B” story to Beth’s servile insurrection.)

Heather collects Lindsay for moral support and confronts her wayward vassal (Utopia Limited 09.10, Utopia Limited 09.11), offering to reinstate Beth into the alliance if Beth will recant her earlier defiance. Beth sees no reason to do this, and a heated quarrel ensues (The Grand Duke 09.12, The Grand Duke 09.13). Their shouting attracts LeShawna, who cannot see clearly through her safety glasses. Seeing a pair of antlers, but unsure about any other details, LeShawna accidentally shoots her teammate, Heather. When the homegirl learns what she has done, her amused reaction brings more long-simmering hostilities to the forefront. Heather (using Lindsay’s gun) soon squares off against Beth and LeShawna, and the three shoot each other repeatedly at point-blank range, as fast as they can pull their triggers (Princess Ida 09.14), whilst Lindsay cowers in the background. The din and tumult of this battle attracts the Bass hunters, who liberally spatter the entire quartet.

Due largely to the infighting among the Gophers, the Bass win the challenge easily, so the Gophers must send someone home. In a confessional spot, Lindsay speaks admiringly of Beth’s willingness to stand up for herself, but sadly believes that elimination will be the price of Beth’s fortitude.

At the elimination ceremony, Beth, Cody and Heather are still emptyhanded with two marshmallows remaining. Heather warns Beth by signs to prepare for departure, but is stunned when Beth receives the penultimate token of safety (The Yeomen of the Guard 09.15). Seeing that she has overestimated her influence, Heather is genuinely worried about her prospects for the first time since the competition began (H.M.S. Pinafore 09.16)

Despite the collapse of her alliance, however, Heather is spared because Cody was mauled by a bear during the hunt, leaving him physically unfit for future challenges; whereas Heather, whatever her teammates may think of her personally, is undeniably a capable player.

In addition to the Beth/Heather and Owen/D.J. storylines, Courtney and Duncan have another round in their love/hate relationship.


Episode #10: If You Can’t Take the Heat

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How fleeting are the glutton’s joys!
With fish and fowl he lightly toys,
And pays for such expensive tricks
Sometimes as much as two-and-six!
It gives him no advantage, mind—
For you and he have only dined,
And you remain, when once it’s down,
A better man by half a crown.
—from The Grand Duke

In a parody of the reality show, Iron Chef, the challenge is to prepare a three-course theme meal, with Chris as the taster/judge. Each team is instructed to choose a Head Chef to select the theme and oversee operations. Despite Heather’s growing unpopularity among the Gophers, no one seriously objects when she calls the Head Chef job for herself and selects a Hawaiian theme. When Geoff suggests an Italian theme, Duncan quickly proclaims him the Bass’ Head Chef (Iolanthe 10.01). Because Geoff is well liked, nobody contests this “appointment”.

The Head Chefs’ management styles reflect their personalities: the controlling Heather decides who will work on which dish and spars with LeShawna over the appetizer; whereas the affable and laid-back Geoff (Thespis 10.02) adopts a hands-off style, allowing his “staff” to select their own partners (Thespis 10.03) and to do their jobs without interference (The Gondoliers 10.04, Utopia Limited 10.05).

Despite further development of Courtney and Duncan’s love/hate relationship and a “B” story involving a series of pranks against Harold, the Bass’ work proceeds smoothly. The Gophers are not so lucky, and suffer several injuries: Trent suffers a concussion when man-mountain Owen nonchalantly tosses him a crate of oranges; Owen himself has two encounters with a nest of hornets, the second of which leaves him barely able to function; and Heather is scorched in a flambé accident. Heather’s accident also renders the Gophers’ dessert course inedible, but nobody notices until it is too late to do anything about it.

Shortly after the flambé incident, the Gophers’ internal squabbling comes to a head when the other girls lock the domineering Heather in the walk-in refrigerator. Flush with triumph and in high spirits, the girls unwittingly summon disaster by leaving Owen alone with their completed meal whilst they prepare their presentation to Chris. Naturally, Owen succumbs to temptation (The Yeomen of the Guard 10.06). When the Gophers return to the kitchen, they are horrified at what looks like a murder scene—which, in a sense, it is: The ribs that comprised the entrée have been picked virtually clean, sauce is everywhere, and Owen looks like a man just emerging from a bout of madness (The Grand Duke 10.07). LeShawna desperately pleads with Owen to tell her that he did not do what he has so clearly done (The Grand Duke 10.08), but there is no help for it: the Gophers must face the judging without their entrée.

Naturally, the Bass win the challenge, leaving the Gophers with a losing record in the challenges for what will prove to be the only time in the competition.

In the “confession can”, Heather complains that the decision of whom to vote off is difficult because so many people have annoyed her so mightily of late (The Mikado 10.09). Having finally made her choice, she approaches Lindsay, charging her with betrayal for having helped lock Heather in the refrigerator. Conceding that it was Lindsay who eventually released her, the Dark Queen offers her wayward vassal another chance, on the condition that Lindsay does Heather’s bidding in the coming elimination vote. Heather departs with a warning that she will cut Lindsay’s hair off whilst the latter sleeps if Lindsay ever again teams up with LeShawna against her. Lindsay’s reaction suggests that she sees no reason to believe Heather would not do as she has proposed (Iolanthe 10.10)

Owen and Heather are both prime candidates for elimination, but are spared because Beth innocently revealed her “cursed” tiki doll when the Gophers were setting the stage for presentation of their meal. In light of their recent misfortunes, the Gophers are quite ready to believe that Beth has, indeed, cursed them (H.M.S. Pinafore 10.11).

This is the first episode since the talent show (“Not Quite Famous”, episode #5) to develop a substantial “B” story. (As the number of contestants dwindles, leaving fewer characters to track, “B” stories become more common and detailed in later episodes.) The Bass boys are upset with Harold, who won’t pick up after himself—specifically, his dirty underwear—and maintains his innocence in the face of irrefutable evidence. Led by Duncan, the other Bass boys set out to teach Harold a lesson (Thespis 10.12, Utopia Limited 10.13), by way of several underwear-related practical jokes (Thespis 10.14). These pranks culminate in Harold standing nude before every girl remaining in camp. Having finally learned his lesson, the badly embarrassed Harold conceals his manhood as best he may, receives his shorts from his inquisitors, and dashes to the Bass cabin (The Pirates of Penzance 10.15).


Episode #11: Who Can You Trust?

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I trust my conduct meets your approbation.
Sir, you have acted with discrimination,
And shown more delicate appreciation
Than we expect in persons of your station.
—from The Sorcerer

The campers are in the main lodge, getting breakfast—“Hawaiian/Italian Fusion casserole”, i.e. leftovers from the cooking challenge. Gwen and LeShawna take seats across from Heather, who has fallen ill (The Grand Duke 11.01) after being locked in the refrigerator during the cooking challenge, and needle their nemesis by expressing mock concern for her health (The Sorcerer 11.02).

With melancholy music in the background, Chris speaks to the viewer, noting the teams’ internal conflicts. He states that he and the producers have decided that the best way to deal with this problem is to exploit it for laughs (The Mikado 11.03).

The teams assemble for the challenge. Chris informs them that he has noticed the friction building within the teams, so he has set up a best-of-five challenge series designed to build trust. In a confessional spot, Gwen observes that she trusted Trent once, and he left her buried alive on the beach (The Mikado 11.04). Gwen’s misgivings are prescient: the casualty rate will be high.

For each of the five tests, Chris selects two players from each team. The first test is a free rock-climbing race, spiced with a variety of added hazards and distractions. The safety harnesses the climbers wear are designed to be effective only if the guardian partner keeps hold of the rope. Chris assigns Gwen and D.J. to climb, and Heather and Duncan to tend the ropes.

Part of the guardian partner’s job is to rig the climber’s harness. Noticing that Heather has attached an extra rope, Gwen warily asks its purpose. Heather replies sweetly that it is merely a backup. Gwen does not find Heather’s smile reassuring, but does not have time to pursue the matter further. In a confessional spot, Heather boasts of her “Doctorate in Revenge and Humiliation” (Iolanthe 11.05), and implies that she is going to do something nasty to Gwen.

Meanwhile, D.J. leaves his beloved pet, Bunny, in Geoff’s care (The Grand Duke 11.06). This decision will directly affect the outcome of the challenge.

The climbers begin their ascent (Thespis 11.07). The promised distractions include “mild” explosive charges, one of which dislodges Gwen (Utopia Limited 11.08). She falls, but the safety harness does its job—until Chris produces a Super Soaker filled with high-octane hot sauce and sprays Heather with it. Losing her situational awareness, Heather instinctively brings both hands to her eyes to clear them, perforce letting go of the rope. An audible thud and Gwen’s cry of pain inform Heather of her tactical error.

The apparently indestructible Gwen is soon back on the climb, and quickly makes up lost ground. Heather presently reveals the purpose of the second rope: to avenge herself upon Gwen for the latter’s role in the Refrigerator Incident (Utopia Limited 11.09), although the Goth’s role in that incident was actually minimal. The rope is attached, not to Gwen’s harness, but to her skirt. As Gwen passes D.J., Heather gives a hard yank that tears away Gwen’s skirt, exposing her novelty panties (Thespis 11.10), much to the delight of Chris and Duncan. D.J. gets his eyeful at much closer range, so he is distracted and falls. Gwen at first tries to hold her torn skirt in place as best she may; but she needs both hands to climb, so she chooses victory over decorum.

The second test requires one partner to prepare, and the other taste, fugu sashimi, the Japanese dish made from a poisonous species of blowfish. Bridgette and Lindsay prepare the dish, with Geoff and Trent as the tasters. Bridgette’s presentation suggests competent preparation, whereas Lindsay’s hideous presentation allows no room for optimism. Appearances are not deceiving: Geoff suffers no ill effects, but Trent is poisoned.

An intermission follows, during which Geoff and Bridgette go for a swim in the lake (The Pirates of Penzance 11.11). Geoff leaves Bunny in the lifeguard’s chair, which he assumes to be a safe place. Despite this precaution, Geoff and Bridgette emerge from the lake just in time to see a snake devour Bunny (The Gondoliers 11.12).

With the score tied 1-1, the teams reassemble for the remaining three tests, all of which call for one partners to be blindfolded. The first of these is a William Tell scenario, where the blindfolded partner fires crabapples (so called, but they are as large as normal apples) from a slingshot. The first to strike the arrow off their teammate’s head wins. (The logical question here is, “With the shooter blindfolded, it’s all luck, so what’s to trust?” but such details mean nothing to Chris.)

LeShawna shoots at Owen for the Gophers, with Sadie shooting at Courtney for the Bass. Both targets are heavily pummeled; but Owen is built to take more punishment than Courtney, and shrugs off the missiles. When LeShawna eventually wins, Sadie does not hear the cease-fire call and sends Courtney to the infirmary with a final flurry. Before falling unconscious, Courtney vows that Sadie is “going down”. Ensuing events will show that Courtney makes such threats less lightly than Heather does.

In the fourth test, the blindfolded partner stands on a platform whilst her teammate swings on a trapeze, and must jump at her partner’s command. If all goes well, the trapeze artist will catch the jumper; otherwise, the jumper will fall into a trough of jellyfish-infested water. Bridgette and Heather will be the jumpers, with Harold and Lindsay as the catchers.

Bridgette and Harold face the test first. As Harold tries to coax the terrified surfer girl to jump at his command, D.J. asks after Bunny. Geoff cannot bear to admit that Bunny perished under his care, so he tells D.J. that Bunny ran away. D.J. is devastated, and lifts his voice to the heavens in theatrical grief (H.M.S. Pinafore 11.13). Overhearing this exchange, Duncan slips away unnoticed.

Bridgette and Harold make their connection, scoring a point for the Bass. Lindsay, on the other hand, badly flubs the timing of her command to jump, so Heather sleeps with the jellyfishes. Gwen looks on in amusement, satisfied that a higher power has avenged her (The Grand Duke 11.14).

As Heather checks into the infirmary, Courtney regains consciousness in time to see Duncan luring a rabbit for what is to her an unknown purpose. The viewer, of course, is expected to infer that Duncan is trying to obtain a replacement for Bunny (Iolanthe 11.15).

With the score tied 2-2, the stage is set for the deciding fifth challenge: a toboggan race down the back of the diving cliff. The drivers (D.J. and LeShawna) will be blindfolded, and so must rely on the instructions of a navigator (Geoff and Gwen).

These pairings appear to present no trust issues for the Gophers, because Gwen gets along with LeShawna as well as she does with anyone. The Bass pairing is another matter, as D.J. holds Geoff at least partially responsible for Bunny’s disappearance.

The race begins. After several improbable incidents, the racers have come partway down the slope, as Duncan rejoins the spectators. In a fateful gesture, Duncan calls out to D.J., announcing that he has “found Bunny” and holding Bunny II aloft (The Gondoliers 11.16, The Gondoliers 11.17). D.J. unthinkingly removes his blindfold to verify this joyous news, then replaces the blindfold and continues the race with fresh resolve.

One more surprise awaits the racers: Chris has placed explosive charges, left over from the rock-climbing test, along the lower part of the racecourse (Utopia Limited 11.18). One of these charges actually aids the Bass sled, catapulting it to the finish line.

As the Bass celebrate, Duncan “reunites” Bunny II with the overjoyed D.J., who is none the wiser (The Gondoliers 11.19, The Gondoliers 11.20). As D.J. exults (Iolanthe 11.21) and Duncan looks on with satisfaction (The Pirates of Penzance 11.22), Courtney approaches the delinquent and remarks on his act of kindness. At first, Duncan vainly denies that he is in any way “nice”, but eventually owns up to what he has done (The Sorcerer 11.23, The Pirates of Penzance 11.24, The Gondoliers 11.25) and asks only that Courtney not tell the others. She agrees, although a later episode reveals that she did not keep her word.

The Bass’ celebration is short-lived. Chris disqualifies the Bass sled because D.J. removed his blindfold during the race, however briefly.

At the elimination ceremony, however, D.J. is spared. With one marshmallow remaining, and Courtney and Sadie still empty-handed, Courtney appears in a brief confessional spot, repeating her vow to send Sadie home for the latter’s role in sending Courtney to the infirmary (Trial By Jury 11.26).

When Chris announces the verdict, Sadie flees in tears. She walks sullenly down the dock, but her mood brightens immeasurably when she sees her buddy Katie waiting for her on the boat (Iolanthe 11.27, The Gondoliers 11.28).

Despite being the first episode to plainly depict the traditional invulnerability and superhuman recuperative powers of cartoon characters, this episode has the highest casualty rate in the series. This episode is also the first to show that Duncan is more caring than he lets on, the first to suggest that Geoff is having some success in his suit for Bridgette’s affections, and the only episode where Owen (apart from a brief chuckle) has no lines.


Episode #12: Basic Straining

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Never mind the why and wherefore,
Love can level ranks, and therefore
I admit the jurisdiction;
Ably have you played your part;
You have carried firm conviction
To my hesitating heart.
from H.M.S. Pinafore

Chef Hatchet, who, for the first time, is overseeing a challenge, brusquely summons the campers to the dock. Hatchet appears in an Army uniform of sorts (Patience 12.01) and, with the campers standing at nervous attention, briefs them on the challenge: a boot camp scenario where the last camper standing will win immunity for his or her team (Utopia Limited 12.02). Chef Hatchet (or “Master Chief”, as he insists on being addressed during the challenge) tells the campers that he does not expect them all to come out of the challenge alive (The Pirates of Penzance 12.03).

Two running gags recur through most of the episode, and bear mention here because they affect ensuing events. Duncan and Geoff play a series of pranks on Harold, much as they did during the cooking challenge (episode #10, “If You Can’t Take the Heat”); but unlike in that episode, the pranksters are not trying to teach Harold a lesson—they just enjoy tormenting him (Patience 12.04). Duncan’s insubordinate attitude towards Master Chief Hatchet, and Courtney’s efforts to keep the delinquent in line for the good of the team, fuel the other running gag.

For the first trial, each team must hold a canoe over their heads until somebody drops out. To make this test more difficult, Hatchet and Chris sit on the canoes for a time. With Master Chief Hatchet passing the time by telling war stories (The Mikado 12.05, The Yeomen of the Guard 12.06), the “trainees” remain at this task until well into the evening, missing lunch in the process. Finally, Lindsay succumbs.

Hatchet grants the trainees a brief “dinner” break, but forces them to forage through that morning’s garbage, which Heather and Courtney flatly refuse to do. Heather gives no reason beyond the obvious, but Courtney has plans to run for office one day, and doesn’t want anyone to publicize a photo of her eating garbage (Iolanthe 12.07).

After “dinner”, the trainees face two more drills, one physical and one mental. These last until 3:00 a.m., and claim D.J. and Trent. In addition, Bridgette is quietly eliminated for unstated reasons.

The second day’s trial, an obstacle course, claims Harold and LeShawna. The undisciplined Duncan finally pushes Hatchet too far, and earns a night of solitary confinement in the boathouse (H.M.S. Pinafore 12.08, Princess Ida 12.09, The Mikado 12.10). The boathouse’s décor and environs do not promote a sense of ease, and for a time Duncan appears repentant.

In the lodge, the surviving “trainees” are eating a pasty gruel that passes for dinner, when Courtney resolves to check on Duncan. When Geoff suggests that she likes the delinquent, Courtney protests that, far from liking him, she can’t stand him, then hastily reiterates her intent to check on him and departs. Geoff smugly reiterates to the private camera that Courtney does, indeed, like Duncan (The Pirates of Penzance 12.11, Utopia Limited 12.12).

Under cover of darkness, Courtney reaches the boathouse (The Sorcerer 12.13, The Gondoliers 12.14) to find that Duncan, for lack of anything better to do, is tidying up the place. The two have another round of verbal sparring, pitting (as usual) Duncan’s seeming inclination to break rules gratuitously against Courtney’s habit as a stickler for the rules (Patience 12.15, Iolanthe 12.16). Eventually, Duncan suggests raiding the kitchen for some decent food, warning Courtney that doing so will require breaking a good many rules. Courtney is torn for a moment (H.M.S. Pinafore 12.17, The Yeomen of the Guard 12.18); but she is desperate for food worthy of the name, so she agrees (The Yeomen of the Guard 12.19).

Although Duncan was sentenced to spend the night in the boathouse, it is clear that nobody has taken any precautions to insure that he remains there (The Yeomen of the Guard 12.20). As Chris and Chef Hatchet chat over dinner, the commando campers stealthily approach their quarry (The Pirates of Penzance 12.21). Duncan gives Courtney several chances to back out, but she declines—Ms. Goody Twoshoes is having the most fun since her arrival on the island (Patience 12.22).

As the cat burglars complete their errand, Courtney leaves a fish from the boathouse in the refrigerator, as a “Killer Bass” calling card. Duncan, clearly pleased at how his “basic training” is going, remarks approvingly that his pupil is learning (The Gondoliers 12.23, Utopia Limited 12.24). Their grocery run completed, Courtney cannot contain her glee as the miscreants make their escape.

At the Bass cabin, the campers are having a proper party (Thespis 12.25), and are enjoying their first decent food in two days (The Sorcerer 12.26, The Pirates of Penzance 12.27, The Grand Duke 12.28). The Gophers are also present, presumably by invitation. Of all the campers, only Heather is not visible, but it is reasonable to assume that she is present—there is no good reason for her to be elsewhere, and she couldn’t be safely disinvited.

Like the cliché of the virtuous girl who becomes a slut after losing her virginity, Courtney quickly becomes addicted to the heady rush of rebellion and rulebreaking. When someone plays another prank on Harold, the particulars of this indignity—a smiley face on his bed, drawn in peanut butter—suggest that Courtney has tried her hand at practical joking.

In a binge drinking metaphor, Bridgette suggests to Courtney that she has had enough, but Courtney snatches the last sandwich, insisting on “just one more”. She bolts it, quickly realizes that she has passed her limit, dashes out of the cabin, and vomits over the railing.

When the amused Duncan saunters out to join her, Courtney admits that, having done one bad thing, she found herself wanting ever more (Ruddigore 12.29). Duncan lobbies for a kiss, suggesting that it would help sate Courtney’s new appetite for bad deeds, but she declares that he’s still not her type (H.M.S. Pinafore 12.30). Moments later, however, Courtney, a.k.a. Darth Moll, delivers a smoldering kiss (H.M.S. Pinafore 12.31, The Pirates of Penzance 12.32) to mark her graduation from Duncan’s basic training (The Pirates of Penzance 12.33, Ruddigore 12.34).

As Darth Moll leaves Duncan in a dreamy daze (Ruddigore 12.35), Geoff and D.J. congratulate the delinquent on his conquest (The Pirates of Penzance 12.36). Harold’s reaction is very different: he looks on in anger, begrudging his tormenter any sort of good fortune (H.M.S. Pinafore 12.37).

As the festivities wind down, Chef Hatchet announces the next day’s start time. He also threatens dire consequences if he catches whoever stole his dessert, although there is no evidence that he makes any attempt to identify the culprit (The Yeomen of the Guard 12.38).

The third day finds the six remaining trainees hanging upside down from a tree limb, suspended by their knees. This trial is clearly intended to produce a winner; and, sure enough, the campers begin to drop like flies. At one point, Heather decides the prospect of victory is not worth hanging beside the flatulent Owen, and she jumps down. Physical clumsiness not being one of her flaws, she “sticks the landing” (as gymnasts say) only to be flattened beneath the falling Owen.

Between the brain-impairing effects of her position and the low comedy incident she has just witnessed, Courtney develops an uncontrollable fit of giggles. Master Chief Hatchet demands that she compose herself (The Gondoliers 12.39), but she cannot immediately comply and soon loses her perch. When her giggling fit subsides, Darth Moll tells off the flabbergasted Hatchet (Patience 12.40, The Mikado 12.41) and joins Duncan on the sidelines.

As in the Awake-a-thon (episode #3, “The Big Sleep”), Gwen’s endurance carries the day. As the triumphant Gophers hold their champion aloft, Master Chief Hatchet calls to her. Ceremoniously congratulating Gwen (The Yeomen of the Guard 12.42), he tells her that he “would go to war with [her] any day.” Gwen is more disturbed than flattered; but she tells him, as diplomatically as she may, that she will keep his words in mind when choosing a career. Hatchet, missing the sarcasm, is much affected (The Sorcerer 12.43, The Pirates of Penzance 12.44, Patience 12.45).

One item of business remains: the elimination ceremony. In the first truly surprising elimination, Courtney becomes the first major character to get the axe. She can’t believe it (Iolanthe 12.46), and refuses to accept the verdict. Duncan protests that he knows at least three who did not vote Courtney off (The Pirates of Penzance 12.47), but Chris is unmoved. It is clear that Courtney isn’t going anywhere of her own volition, so Chris and Chef Hatchet seize her and bodily drag her down the dock (Thespis 12.48), with Courtney protesting loudly the while. As they throw her onto the boat, she threatens to sue them and the show’s producers (Iolanthe 12.49, Princess Ida 12.50).

As the Loser Boat pulls away from the dock, the distraught Duncan arrives and throws a memento to his departing girlfriend, who for the nonce has accepted her fate (The Pirates of Penzance 12.51, The Yeomen of the Guard 12.52). It is a carved wooden skull, the making of which is Duncan’s main artistic talent. Courtney calls out that she will never forget him (H.M.S. Pinafore 12.53, The Pirates of Penzance 12.54, The Yeomen of the Guard 12.55).

Harold stands alone at the bonfire, watching his marshmallow burn. A flashback reveals that it was he who arranged Courtney’s mysterious expulsion (The Sorcerer 12.56). Harold tampered with the vote (The Sorcerer 12.57) to avenge himself upon Duncan (The Grand Duke 12.58), although it is not clear why Harold did not act against Duncan directly, given that Duncan’s departure would have raised fewer eyebrows. The following episode’s recap reveals that Chris knows about Harold’s tampering, but doesn’t care.

This episode is unusual in that the “B” story—Courtney and Duncan’s love-hate relationship—tends to overshadow the main story. Duncan conducts a “basic training” of his own, opening the strait-laced Courtney’s eyes to the pleasures of living outside the law. For the first time since episode #7 (“Phobia Factor”), Heather remains in the background.


Episode #13: X-treme Torture

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Hail, Poetry, thou heaven-born maid!
Thou gildest even the pirate’s trade;
Hail, flowing fount of sentiment!
All hail, all hail, Divine Emollient!
—from The Pirates of Penzance

As is his wont, Chris rudely awakens the campers (Utopia Limited 13.01), this time by buzzing the cabins in a light airplane. When the campers assemble, Chris announces the challenge: a best-of-three series of “extreme sports” events. As in the trust-building challenge (episode #11, “Who Can You Trust”), Chris will select the teams’ representatives.

In addition to immunity from that night’s elimination, members of the winning team will get sessions in a mobile shower facility, which has many “bells and whistles” that the communal washroom lacks. The boys are unimpressed, but the girls see this as a prize worth fighting for (Princess Ida 13.02).

The first order of business, however, is breakfast. During these proceedings, Gwen and Bridgette find an anonymous love poem that identifies the recipient only with a poetic metaphor, “the girl with smoldering eyes” (Iolanthe 13.03). Each girl immediately assumes it is meant for the other, as they are the only two with known crush boys who are still on the island. When Gwen unthinkingly insults Geoff, however, Bridgette rises to his defense (H.M.S. Pinafore 13.04), and the girls quarrel with voices harsher than the words.

The lodge scene launches a “B” story that, like Courtney’s turn to the Dark Side in the previous episode, tends to overshadow the main story. Gwen and Bridgette, each now convinced that she is the love poem’s intended recipient, resolve to get to the bottom of this mystery, and lay a wager on their findings (The Grand Duke 13.05).

The teams reassemble for the first round of the challenge. Trent and D.J. must skydive from a height of 5000 feet (1500m) onto a sofabed target, which the divers’ teammates are permitted to move. D.J. is known to be afraid of heights, but both he and Trent do their best to appear brave (The Pirates of Penzance 13.06). The Bass win this round after Trent is prematurely ejected from the plane.

The tables are turned in the second round, rodeo moose riding. Geoff fails because he was unprepared for the start, Chef Hatchet having opened the gate without noticing that Geoff was talking to Bridgette at the time. LeShawna, on the other hand, scores a point for the Gophers by lasting the required 8 seconds and a good deal more.

By this time, Gwen and Bridgette have determined that neither of them was the love note’s intended recipient, and that neither Geoff nor Trent wrote it. The girls are reconciled after their earlier quarrel, and broaden their investigation.

The final round of the challenge uses water-skiing equipment, but without water—the track surface is either dirt or mud. The “water” skier and the Seadoo driver will be from opposing teams. Chris selects Harold and Lindsay to be the skiers, but allows the teams to select the drivers. The Bass choose Duncan to drive Lindsay, and Heather claims the role of driving Harold.

Harold initially performs well, but crashes when a freak accident—a “sexual assault” by a tree branch—suddenly confronts the unprepared beanpole with more of Heather than boys usually get to see (The Gondoliers 13.07). Somehow, no one else notices. Lindsay also has a good run, winning the round and the challenge

Chris is dumbfounded. His choices of players for the three tests appeared designed to deliver victory to the Bass, who were a player down. That plan, though, if a plan it was, backfired when two players did not perform as expected: Geoff failed a test Chris expected him to win, and Lindsay performed well for the first time.

As the Gophers begin to claim their reward, Gwen and Bridgette are at an impasse. The love poem remains as mysterious as it was at the start. As LeShawna happens by and sees the note, a question from Chris reveals that she was the intended. Gwen and Bridgette are amazed (The Gondoliers 13.08), although it is not clear why they should be—LeShawna is not depicted as the kind of girl who would be likely to repel boys.

At the elimination ceremony, the Bass evict Harold because he abruptly folded during his event, after he had been performing well. His teammates might have been more understanding had they known the reason, but they suspect nothing.

Standing before the “Boat of Losers”, Harold reveals that he was the poem’s author. After recovering from her initial shock (The Yeomen of the Guard 13.09), LeShawna rushes down the dock, with Harold running back to meet her (Princess Ida 13.10). They embrace (The Pirates of Penzance 13.11, The Mikado 13.12, The Yeomen of the Guard 13.13), and, as LeShawna pronounces Harold “some kind of freaky” (Patience 13.14, Patience 13.15) they share a parting kiss that is interrupted when the impatient Chef Hatchet drags Harold onto the boat (The Mikado 13.16, The Yeomen of the Guard 13.17). As the boat departs, the contented LeShawna rejoins the other surviving campers at the base of the dock (The Sorcerer 13.18).

Lindsay comes into her own in this episode. More often than not, she will be reasonably competent for the rest of her time on the island—still the source of “dumb blonde” jokes, but no longer “too stupid to live.” Gwen and Bridgette’s investigation is, apart from Lindsay’s romance with Tyler, the closest cooperation ever seen between a Bass and a Gopher during the team phase.


Episode #14: Brunch of Disgustingness

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Sausage Roll Song - Gilbert & Sullivan, The Grand Duke

Sausage Roll Song - Gilbert & Sullivan, The Grand Duke

Brunch of Disgustingness theme song (incidents 14.14-15)

But when you’ve been six months feeding
(As we have) on this exceeding
Bilious food, it’s no ill-breeding
If, at these repulsive pies,
Our offended gorges rise!
—from The Grand Duke

In this “halftime show” episode, the teams are reorganized, for one episode only, into boys and girls. This is not a major alteration, given that four of the six surviving Gophers are girls, and Bridgette is the only girl remaining on the Bass.

As the campers file into the lodge for breakfast, Chris and Chef Hatchet are waiting at the entrance (H.M.S. Pinafore 14.01). Trent notices that there doesn’t seem to be any food, but Chris assures him that there will be plenty to eat soon enough. Chris and Chef snigger at this, and, when LeShawna asks why they are so “giggly”, their only response is to snigger again (Iolanthe 14.02).

With everyone seated, Chris informs the campers that everyone who has survived to this point will be on the jury that picks the winner. He also announces a one-off team rejiggering for a “battle of the sexes” challenge. The victors’ reward will be substantial—a two-day luxury excursion—and, better yet from the campers’ viewpoint, there will be no elimination.

The first order of business, however, is to move Bridgette into the girls’ (formerly Gophers) cabin, and Owen and Trent into the boys’ (formerly Bass) cabin. As Bridgette goes to collect her belongings, Heather strikes up a conversation with the surfer girl. Heather is on her best behavior, and is clearly laying the groundwork to recruit Bridgette into the alliance vacancy left by Beth’s departure. Gwen sees what is happening, and gives Bridgette a vague warning.

After an awkward parting scene with Geoff (The Pirates of Penzance 14.03), Bridgette arrives at her new residence to find Heather arguing with LeShawna, who is angry because Heather has eaten her pudding pops (The Grand Duke 14.04). Noticing her new cabinmate, Heather immediately drops the argument and welcomes Bridgette like a long-lost sister.

The contrast between Heather’s treatment of Bridgette and her treatment of Lindsay suggests that Heather expects Bridgette’s loyalty to command a higher price than Lindsay’s, and that Heather is prepared to pay whatever price she must (Princess Ida 14.05). Among the inducements Heather offers is unrestricted use of her extensive cosmetics inventory. The unaffected Bridgette normally disdains makeup; but Heather, being a creature of artifice, assures her that “a lady can always use a little boost in the looks department.” Heather emphasizes her point by applying an eyebrow pencil to the uncertain but unresisting Bridgette (The Mikado 14.06, Utopia Limited 14.07).

Heather’s recruitment pitch ultimately fails, however, when she reverts to form and imperiously demands that Bridgette have nothing to do with Gwen or LeShawna. The resident queen bee even goes so far as to lay down a border with duct tape. Abruptly forced to take sides, the heavy-hearted Bridgette ponders for a time (Trial By Jury 14.08, H.M.S. Pinafore 14.09). When she makes what Heather considers the wrong choice, the Dark Queen threatens dire consequences (Princess Ida 14.10).

The boys, meanwhile, are having a dominance battle of their own. Geoff defeats Owen in a belching contest—Geoff’s blast rips the cabin door from its hinges and fells trees (The Mikado 14.11)—illustrating how skill and technique can trump raw talent. The boys proclaim the victorious Geoff their team captain for the upcoming challenge (Iolanthe 14.12, Utopia Limited 14.13).

The challenge is a best-of-nine series requiring the campers to eat a variety of disgusting foods or food imposters, although the first and last are objectionable for reasons other than taste or texture. Chris explains the ground rules, chief of which is that all five team members must finish a given dish for the team to score a point (The Grand Duke 14.14).

The campers are presented with the first dish. It resembles a plate of meatballs, so Owen downs the entire plate at a gulp. He expels them, however, when Chris reveals the true nature of the “meatballs”—they are beef testicles (The Grand Duke 14.15).

After eight courses, the score stands at 2-2. The last scheduled course fails to produce a winner, because neither surfer girl Bridgette nor the animal-loving D.J. will touch the dolphin-meat wieners. Owen defeats LeShawna in a one-on-one tiebreaker, and the boys claims the luxury excursion (Thespis 14.16).

In this episode, the deepening division among the girls is apparent, with even Lindsay showing more bile than the viewer has come to expect of her. Showcased in contrast to this is Bridgette’s purity of spirit. Her teamwork tactics were the main reason the girls performed as well in the challenge as they did.


Episode #15: No Pain, No Game

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“The screw may twist and the rack may turn,
And men may bleed and men may burn,
O’er London town and its golden hoard
I keep my silent watch and ward!”
—from The Yeomen of the Guard

The girls, a surly-looking lot, are killing time by the dock (Utopia Limited 15.01). A boat horn presently announces the return of the boys, who are whooping it up on the forecastle (The Gondoliers 15.02). As the jubilant lads disembark, they describe at length how much fun they had (The Gondoliers 15.03), which does not improve the girls’ tempers.

Chris announces that the teams are officially dissolved, and that “every camper for themselves” will prevail for the rest of the competition.

Moments later, another boat horn sounds. Eva, last seen in episode #3 (“The Big Sleep”) is returning (H.M.S. Pinafore 15.04, Iolanthe 15.05, Iolanthe 15.06, Princess Ida 15.07), and the campers react as if the end of the world was at hand. When Eva disembarks, it quickly becomes apparent that she has changed for the worse since leaving the island. Once merely bad-tempered, she has become bitter and vindictive.

(Chris initially announced that Eva was back “by popular audience demand”, but eventually admits that she is back because the producers liked her. The implication is that Eva has returned as a sort of “guest tormentor”, and will survive only as long as she can win challenges.)

Eva, believing that her Bass teammates betrayed her, immediately seeks out the only other Bass girl on the island—Bridgette. The surfer girl nervously does her best to appear friendly (Iolanthe 15.08, The Yeomen of the Guard 15.09), but Eva is having none of it.

Izzy, last seen in episode #8 (“Up the Creek”) but never formally eliminated, also returns to a wary but less horrified reception, and even Eva rolls her eyes at this development (Utopia Limited 15.10). The others are understandably curious as to why the demented redhead isn’t in jail, as she was last seen on the run from RCMP agents who had come to arrest her (The Yeomen of the Guard 15.11). Izzy tells them that, as a “wilderness survivor”, she was able to elude capture (The Yeomen of the Guard 15.12, The Yeomen of the Guard 15.13, The Yeomen of the Guard 15.14) and has been living with a family of beavers. Indeed, Weird Red unselfconsciously demonstrates certain feral mannerisms during this interview.

Chris summons the campers, via the PA system, to the amphitheater for their briefing on the next challenge. Owen, who commonly greets challenges with more enthusiasm than most of the other campers, exults at length unusual even for him (Princess Ida 15.15).

Eva arrives at the girls’ cabin, notices the dividing line that Heather laid down in the previous episode, and brusquely demands an explanation. Smiling sweetly, and probably in fear of life and limb, Heather quickly removes the line of demarcation. Eva, by dint of her imposing presence, thus achieves what may have been her only constructive deed during her time on the island (The Yeomen of the Guard 15.16).

Heather, who still has an alliance vacancy to fill, invites Eva to take the bunk next to hers; but Eva demands Bridgette’s bunk, for no apparent reason except that Bridgette currently occupies it. LeShawna, whose own body is as powerfully built as Eva’s, albeit less well toned, rises to Bridgette’s defense, and a brief quarrel ensues.

The campers assemble for their challenge, which is to endure random punishments selected by a “Wheel of Misfortune” (Utopia Limited 15.17). Most of these punishments inflict physical pain (The Yeomen of the Guard 15.18). The most notable exception is New Age music, against which even Gwen’s vaunted endurance cannot stand.

After Lindsay endures her first punishment and “didn’t complain once” (Chris apparently doesn’t regard screams of pain as “complaining”) Chris allows her to choose the next victim and punishment. The sweet-tempered Lindsay is not inclined to do any such thing, but Eva forces her (Ruddigore 15.19) to choose Bridgette for immersion in a barrel of leeches. Geoff, seeking to protect his girlfriend from the vindictive Eva, chivalrously offers to take the punishment himself, but cannot endure the required 10 seconds (The Mikado 15.20).

The tables are later turned when, after Bridgette has endured a punishment without complaint, Chris invites her to select the next victim. With one voice, the other campers urge her to select Eva; and, with some trepidation, the surfer girl does so.

Eva’s punishment is to spend 10 seconds in close confinement with a local sasquatch, dubbed “Sasquatchanakwa”. This encounter turns out worse for it than for her, and Eva emerges with a sasquatch-fur cap and boots.

With Eva and LeShawna still remaining after 20 rounds, Chris institutes a “sudden death” rule. The luck of the draw selects LeShawna for the next test, a log-rolling contest against a trained bear in piranha-infested water. LeShawna does more than endure; she defeats the bear outright to win the challenge. Eva protests—not unreasonably—but in vain.

In addition to invincibility, LeShawna wins a luxury trailer that is probably worth 25 percent or more of the grand prize value. This seems an excessively rich prize to be handing out so early in the competition, and Chris arranges for it to be taken from her in the next episode.

At the elimination ceremony, Chris breaks with standard procedure and airs the video footage of campers casting their votes. Without the protection of invincibility, and with Heather as the only other serious candidate for expulsion, Eva is voted off—again—for her uncontrollable temper (Trial By Jury 15.21, Patience 15.22).

Eva is outraged, and threatens revenge (The Mikado 15.23). She is still spouting threats as she is hauled off in a straitjacket.

In a tag scene, the partially depilated sasquatch and the well-nibbled bear are trying on clothing stolen from the campers. The bear models one of Sadie’s shirts, and Sasquatchanakwa sports one of Geoff’s hats (Princess Ida 15.24).

In this episode, Izzy begins her transformation into a major character. In what appears to be a continuity lapse, Gwen is still angry with Trent over leaving her buried alive in episode #7 (“Phobia Factor”), although the events of episodes #8 (“Up the Creek”) and #9 (“Paintball Deer Hunter”) suggested that she no longer held that against him—but episode #11 (“Who Can You Trust”) suggested that she still did, and episode #13 (“X-treme Torture”) suggested that she did not (Ruddigore 15.25).


Episode #16: Search and Do Not Destroy

For help with navigating the page using the incident reference numbering, see the ”How to Use the Guide” section above.

This is the most heavily referenced episode, with 1,041 lines of verse—more than 11 of the 14 Gilbert & Sullivan operettas have—and is the second of five episodes to have verse references from all 14 plays.

With a sense of deep emotion,
I approach this painful case;
For I never had a notion
That a man could be so base,
Or deceive a girl confiding,
Vows, etcetera, deriding.
—from Trial By Jury

The story opens with two vignettes. The first reveals that LeShawna has moved into the trailer she won in the previous episode. In the second, Trent emerges from the lake, notices Gwen sitting under a tree with her sketchpad, and calls to her, asking what she is drawing. Gwen, looking embarrassed, dismisses it at “nothing”, but a camera cut reveals that she is drawing a picture of Trent (Patience 16.01, Patience 16.02). Gwen makes an unconvincing statement in the “confession can”, claiming that she doesn’t have a crush on Trent and that her initial attraction quickly fizzled (Iolanthe 16.03).

This being a reality show, such idyllic scenes cannot last. Chris, dressed as a pirate (The Grand Duke 16.04), fires a cannon. His aim is true, and his projectile destroys LeShawna’s trailer (The Pirates of Penzance 16.05, The Yeomen of the Guard 16.06). Having gotten everyone’s attention, Chris instructs the campers to assemble for the challenge.

The pirate-themed challenge is a treasure hunt of sorts. Chris explains the ground rules in a gravelly voice and with much pirate jargon (The Pirates of Penzance 16.07). The stage is stacked with treasure chests, and each camper’s challenge is to locate and recover an assigned key. The keys are guarded or warded in various ways. The campers who succeed gain, as their reward, the contents of whichever chest the key happens to open. One of these chests contains an invincibility token.

Trent’s key is in the lake, and is guarded by sharks. Trent overcomes this obstacle easily by throwing bait fish to lure the sharks away, then diving in whilst the sharks are occupied. Gwen happens by as Trent dives in, and is much relieved when he retrieves his key without incident (Ruddigore 16.08).

Heather’s key rests in Chef Hatchet’s refrigerator, which poses a problem because Hatchet is very security-conscious. After a direct approach fails, Heather breaks and enters with Lindsay’s help, catches Chef napping—literally—and retrieves the key to her “pirate treasure” (The Pirates of Penzance 16.09).

Gwen must retrieve her key from a skunk den, and she has a phobia toward skunks. Trent offers to help (Iolanthe 16.10) and, at his suggestion, they pour water into the den to flush the skunk out. Seduced by Trent’s gallantry, Gwen drops her customary reserve. She and Trent gush about each other in confessional spots (The Pirates of Penzance 16.11, Utopia Limited 16.12), and Gwen delivers a long-anticipated kiss (Patience 16.13, The Yeomen of the Guard 16.14, The Gondoliers 16.15, Utopia Limited 16.16).

Heather and Lindsay happen to be nearby, and observe the fateful kiss (The Gondoliers 16.17). Heather views any romantic pairing between contestants as merely a form of alliance, and she will tolerate no alliances except her own. Summoning Lindsay and her new ally, Izzy, Heather resolves to break up the new couple (H.M.S. Pinafore 16.18).

Heather’s plan is simple and time-tested: she will arrange for Gwen to see her in a compromising position with Trent. For the first step, Heather instructs Lindsay to write a note to Gwen, ostensibly from Trent (The Yeomen of the Guard 16.19, The Yeomen of the Guard 16.20). Izzy apparently has no job to do in Heather’s plan.

Despite some nervous moments, Lindsay succeeds in secretly placing the note on Gwen’s bed. This note instructs Gwen to come to—fittingly—the Dock of Shame at a certain time to get a surprise (H.M.S. Pinafore 16.21, Iolanthe 16.22). Because handwritten correspondence is rare in the camp, most of the campers don’t recognize each other’s handwriting, so Gwen suspects nothing.

The next step is for Lindsay to bring Trent to the dock, where Heather is waiting. Lindsay tells Trent that Heather seems upset about something, and asks him to talk to her. Trent doesn’t know Heather’s dark side as well as the girls do, and is a good-natured lad in any case, so he agrees. Lindsay remains near the dock as a lookout, to signal Heather when Gwen arrives.

As Trent approaches the dock, Heather begins a display of theatrical grief (The Grand Duke 16.23). When Trent arrives and asks the cause of her trouble, the Dark Queen tearfully laments that Gwen is being terribly mean to her (Princess Ida 16.24). The logical response, that Gwen has a long memory and probably hasn’t forgiven Heather for the Diary Incident (episode #5, “Not Quite Famous”), would be a plotkiller, so Trent diplomatically suggests that Gwen is simply hard to get to know.

This is apparently the response Heather is looking for. Flinging herself into Trent’s arms, she laments on how Gwen could use such a nice boy so shabbily. Heather catches herself, as if realizing that she has said too much. When Trent presses the point, Heather launches a lengthy, sob-wracked narrative on how Gwen is supposedly stringing him along for his vote and has little regard for him or his music (The Pirates of Penzance 16.25). This is a great deal for the nonplussed Trent to digest so suddenly, so he can do nothing but stand where he is and ask if Gwen really dissed his music (Utopia Limited 16.26).

A signal from Lindsay warns Heather of Gwen’s approach. Regaining her composure, Heather tells Trent that she thinks him very talented even if Gwen doesn’t, and plants a lingering kiss on the unsuspecting lad (Iolanthe 16.27, The Mikado 16.28, The Grand Duke 16.29). When Trent recovers from his initial shock, he slowly closes his eyes, suggesting that the notion of kissing Heather—who is, after all, a knockout—does not repel him.

This, of course, is what Heather wants Gwen to see (The Grand Duke 16.30). Believing that Trent has betrayed her (Thespis 16.31, H.M.S. Pinafore 16.32), Gwen grinds the love note underfoot (The Sorcerer 16.33) and flees in tears (The Mikado 16.34).

Heather is in no hurry to release Trent. He finally extricates himself from her grasp, possibly realizing what he has done, and retreats in confusion. As he goes, he does not see Heather’s evil smile (Patience 16.35, The Yeomen of the Guard 16.36).

The two wounded lovers walk dejectedly on different parts of the lakefront, then fall to their knees and pound the earth in impotent anguish (H.M.S. Pinafore 16.37, Patience 16.38, The Gondoliers 16.39). Trent does this more or less silently, whereas Gwen wails in full voice (The Mikado 16.40, The Yeomen of the Guard 16.41, The Grand Duke 16.42, The Grand Duke 16.43). Grief eventually gives way to more aggressive emotions, and a montage follows wherein Gwen and Trent denounce each other to the private camera, expressing their feelings of betrayal in virtually identical words (Trial by Jury 16.44, The Sorcerer 16.45, The Sorcerer 16.46, The Sorcerer 16.47, H.M.S. Pinafore 16.48, Ruddigore 16.49).

LeShawna, having defeated the crocodiles that guarded her key, returns to the girls’ cabin to find Gwen crying into her pillow. When LeShawna inquires on the cause of Gwen’s distress, the Goth tearfully describes the situation as she understands it (H.M.S. Pinafore 16.50, Iolanthe 16.51, Iolanthe 16.52, Utopia Limited 16.53).

Gwen appears content to continue her cry, but LeShawna is more prone to action. Leaving Gwen to her misery (The Yeomen of the Guard 16.54), LeShawna bursts from the cabin like an avenging angel (The Pirates of Penzance 16.55, The Pirates of Penzance 16.56, The Grand Duke 16.57).

LeShawna quickly assembles an ad hoc coalition to expel either the temptress Heather or the philanderer Trent (Trial by Jury 16.58, The Sorcerer 16.59). Most of the other campers are outraged, and readily answer the muster call (Utopia Limited 16.60).

Among the campers LeShawna recruits is Bridgette, who has finally located her key. Because the only guardian is a rabbit, Bridgette assumes that retrieving her key will by a simple matter. She is badly shocked when the “killer bunny” reveals its true nature, roaring like a lion and revealing a set of sharklike teeth (Ruddigore 16.61).

The challenge done, the campers assemble to open the chests (The Pirates of Penzance 16.62). Most of the prizes are sadly inadequate for what the campers had to go through to get them. Heather, blissfully unaware of the mob preparing to demand her head on a platter, naturally gets the invincibility token (The Mikado 16.63). Deprived of their primary target, the LeShawna Legion settles for Trent. Several comment on their choice in the “confession can”, which also serves as the voting booth.

When Chris announces the verdict at the elimination ceremony, LeShawna gloats and bids Trent good riddance (The Pirates of Penzance 16.64). Trent is stunned, having thought that he was getting along well with everyone. When Heather snidely suggests that he was apparently wrong, her lack of concern leads Gwen to realize that something isn’t adding up. Gwen confronts Heather (The Grand Duke 16.65), who airily replies that she was “just playing the game” (The Pirates of Penzance 16.66, The Mikado 16.67, The Mikado 16.68, Ruddigore 16.69).

Trent doesn’t understand Gwen’s reaction, thinking that she had called him a “cliché”, among other things, and confronts her with her alleged words. When she learns that Heather was his “informant”, Gwen rolls her eyes at her “late” boyfriend’s naiveté (Iolanthe 16.70, Utopia Limited 16.71)

Gwen reveals that, even after all that had happened, she still didn’t vote against Trent (Trial by Jury 16.72). This leaves Trent even more confused than before, until LeShawna admits her role in recent events (H.M.S. Pinafore 16.73, The Grand Duke 16.74) and, as the distraught Gwen buries her face in her hands (The Gondoliers 16.75), limply apologizes for her rashness (The Sorcerer 16.76, The Sorcerer 16.77, Utopia Limited 16.78).

With Heather’s role in recent events now reasonably clear, Gwen and Trent are reconciled (The Pirates of Penzance 16.79, Iolanthe 16.80). Trent accepts his fate and consoles Gwen as best he may (The Sorcerer 16.81), urging her to remain strong and continue the fight, not only for herself, but also in his name (Ruddigore 16.82, The Grand Duke 16.83). They lean in for a parting kiss (H.M.S. Pinafore 16.84, The Gondoliers 16.85), but their approach is so protracted that Chris inevitably interrupts them and sends Trent on his way (H.M.S. Pinafore 16.86).

As the boat pulls away, only Gwen remains on the dock. Before the boat is lost to view, Trent and Gwen exchange “thumbs up” gestures, as cheerfully as they may, but Gwen’s tears soon reassert themselves (The Pirates of Penzance 16.87, Ruddigore 16.88, The Yeomen of the Guard 16.89).

Heather is well pleased with the success of her stratagem. Mockingly commending the others, who have by now joined Gwen on the dock, on their “nice work” (Utopia Limited 16.90, The Grand Duke 16.91), she contentedly heads for the showers (Patience 16.92), leaving a surly mob in her wake (The Mikado 16.93, Utopia Limited 16.94).

As Heather hums in the shower, LeShawna prepares an awful vengeance (The Pirates of Penzance 16.95). LeShawna patches the washroom’s septic tank into the water intake, and Heather soon finds herself showering in raw sewage. Her cries of disgust mingle with LeShawna’s evil cackle.

In this episode, Heather resumes her role as the show’s villain after several episodes of being little more than the bossy butt of jokes and sight gags. Izzy becomes a short-lived addition to Heather’s alliance, replacing Beth. It is not clear why Izzy left the alliance after only one episode, but her flighty nature seems as good an explanation as any. Gwen and Trent’s relationship shows a serious flaw in that, despite their obvious attraction, they are all too ready to believe the worst about each other.


Episode #17: Hide and be Sneaky

For help with navigating the page using the incident reference numbering, see the ”How to Use the Guide” section above.

When, to evade Destruction’s hand,
To hide they all proceeded,
No soldier in the gallant band
Hid half as well as he did.
He lay concealed throughout the war,
And so preserved his gore, O!
That unaffected,
The Duke of Plaza-Toro!
—from The Gondoliers

The challenge is a game of Hide and Seek. Chef Hatchet, armed with an absurdly high-powered water gun, will be the seeker.

The story opens with two vignettes. In the first, Heather holds a ruined shirt, which LeShawna has apparently shredded (The Grand Duke 17.01), and vows revenge. When Lindsay suggests that LeShawna was probably retaliating for the “pretty major” offense of stealing Gwen’s boyfriend, Heather brusquely silences her stooge.

A confessional sequence reveals that Lindsay, unlike Beth, genuinely likes Heather—indeed, Lindsay has stuck close to the Dark Queen from the very beginning—and believes Heather’s namecalling and domineering are either meant affectionately or are simply Heather’s prerogative as the brains of the outfit (Thespis 17.02, The Mikado 17.03, The Gondoliers 17.04, The Grand Duke 17.05). Heather, on the other hand, feels no friendship for Lindsay, and regards her as a “useful idiot”, as the type is known in politics.

In the other vignette, Gwen is sitting on her bed, moping and pining for Trent (Iolanthe 17.06, The Grand Duke 17.07). LeShawna counsels her to move on (Iolanthe 17.08, The Grand Duke 17.09), adding, “Nothing heals a broken heart like revenge.” Gwen brightens visibly at this prospect (The Pirates of Penzance 17.10).

The campers assemble for the challenge, and Chris explains the ground rules. This challenge is unusual in that more than one camper can gain immunity, and there are multiple ways to do so. One of these methods is for “captured” campers to help Chef Hatchet catch others (The Yeomen of the Guard 17.11).

The campers are given a 10-minute head start. They scatter, although fully half eventually gravitate to the main lodge.

As Owen’s search for a hiding place takes him past a cave mouth, he is pulled inside, where Duncan has assembled the other boys. Duncan has noticed that the girls now outnumber the boys 6-4, and he fears they will use this advantage to pick off the remaining boys one by one. He proposes that the boys do something about this (Utopia Limited 17.12). The other boys are either reluctant or skeptical.

D.J. is skeptical because the girls get along so poorly. A flashback scene from that morning ensues. The girls have monopolized the washroom, with Gwen in the shower and Heater and LeShawna applying makeup at the sinks. Heather suddenly turns on her hot water, thereby depriving Gwen of hers, and answer’s Gwen’s yelp with a sweet-sounding and utterly insincere apology. Without so much as looking away from her mirror, LeShawna smacks Heather upside the head, dropping the Princess of Darkness like a sack of flour. Heather rises to her knees, with bloodlust in her eyes.

Owen and D.J. have been waiting outside, forestalling nature’s call as best they might, when they hear the scuffle within. They are initially amused, but retreat in consternation when the sounds suggest that the girls’ altercation has escalated to the level of a barroom brawl (The Grand Duke 17.13).

Returning to the present, Duncan insists that the girls will eventually close ranks, and that the boys must act while they have the advantage of surprise (The Grand Duke 17.14). Geoff is reluctant to join without Bridgette, and Owen is simply indecisive (Utopia Limited 17.15).

Despite his skepticism, D.J. accepts Duncan’s proposal of a boys-only alliance. To overcome Owen’s indecision, Duncan suspends him by his ankles over a cliff—the cliff being scarcely higher than Owen himself—until Owen relents (Ruddigore 17.16).

Geoff is the last holdout, but he succumbs to peer pressure and agrees to join the new alliance (Ruddigore 17.17). With this business concluded, the boys disperse (Utopia Limited 17.18).

Chef Hatchet begins the hunt. His first victims are Heather and Lindsay, who have come to the same spot in the kitchen, much to Heather’s annoyance. When Heather loudly tries to shoo her lackey away, she attracts the wrong kind of attention. When they are discovered, Heather betrays Lindsay, pushing her into Hatchet and making her break, but this does not save her.

After gunning down Heather and Lindsay, Chef Hatchet returns to the lodge for a thorough search. Because it is in the nature of ground-dwelling species that they rarely look up, he does not see Izzy hiding in the rafters until a sneeze betrays her.

Her cover blown, Izzy drops onto the startled hunter, delivering a painful kick between the shoulders and bounding away. Hatchet is unhurt, but Izzy’s attack has invoked a point of honor. He casts his rifle aside and prepares to face the cornered gadfly hand to hand (The Pirates of Penzance 17.19).

The slight Izzy would seem to by no match for the hulking Chef, but she battles gamely, matching blow for blow (The Yeomen of the Guard 17.20). She eventually gains the upper hand long enough to make her break for the safety of the lifeguard chair, which has been designated the home base (The Yeomen of the Guard 17.21). Due to a miscalculation, however, Izzy fails to reach the safety of the chair (The Mikado 17.22).

Several campers conceal themselves well, but Hatchet proves to be a skilled tracker, and finds most without difficulty. As Hatchet follows up his latest clue—a green hair, presumably from Duncan—Gwen wonders aloud where Duncan could be hiding. Owen, not realizing that Gwen was not expecting an answer, asks defensively how he should know, adding, “It’s not as if the guys are forming a guys-only alliance.” Realizing that he has said too much, and that he now has Gwen’s undivided attention, Owen quickly breaks under her quizzical gaze. As if pleading for mercy, he tells her everything she needs to know (The Grand Duke 17.23.) The amused Goth consoles him, remarking sardonically, “I really had to drag that out of you” (The Mikado 17.24).

Chef Hatchet presently reappears, carrying the struggling Duncan by the scruff of his neck. Hatchet thinks he has found everyone, until Owen notes that LeShawna is still unaccounted for (The Yeomen of the Guard 17.25). Hatchet is puzzled, thinking that he has looked everywhere (The Yeomen of the Guard 17.26). He suddenly realizes what the viewer has long known: LeShawna has hidden underwater.

Chef Hatchet, captives in tow, runs for the dock, but he is too late. He arrives at the dock to find LeShawna sitting contentedly in the lifeguard’s chair. As her colleagues congratulate her, Hatchet gives a silent nod of approval (The Gondoliers 17.27).

The challenge concluded, the campers must vote someone off. Gwen has presumably reported what she learned from Owen, so Heather has convened a war council. The Dark Queen asserts that the girls must cooperate if they wish to defeat the new boys’ alliance, even as she concedes that she finds the prospect of cooperation nauseating (The Pirates of Penzance 17.28). The girls quickly split, however, on the question of which boy to vote off (Utopia Limited 17.29). When Heather suggests expelling Owen, Izzy protests that he is “the nicest boy on the island” and is a skilled canasta player. As Izzy begins to ramble on the joys of this card game (The Gondoliers 17.30), Heather reminds her that they are involved in an elimination game, not a dance. The Dark Queen then persuades Izzy to vote with her, despite the flighty redhead’s affection for Owen.

During these proceedings, Lindsay speaks what Heather regards as an inconvenient truth; so Heather surreptitiously elbows Lindsay, to remind the uberbimbo to choose her words with more care. Heather elbows too hard, however, spilling Lindsay’s irreplaceable bottle of limited-edition nail polish. Lindsay is horrified, and tells the private camera that she is starting to think Heather might not be such a nice person after all (Princess Ida 17.31).

The girls reach an impasse. Heather, who controls Izzy’s and Lindsay’s votes, insists on Owen. The other girls prefer Duncan, but flatly refuse to vote off Owen in any case. Disgusted with each other, the factions resolve to let the chips fall where they may.

Meanwhile, the boys are holding a war council of their own. In the first truly strategic voting decision, the boys vote to expel the popular and athletic Bridgette (Utopia Limited 17.32) for the simple reason that they might not get another chance (although Bridgette’s record in the challenges has not been particularly strong) and because they think she would be a formidable opponent in the final jury vote. Gwen has actually been the strongest player to date, but the boys do not see her as a threat in the jury vote, and there is no evidence that they seriously consider evicting her.

Geoff tries desperately to persuade the boys to vote off someone—anyone—else, but in the end he cannot refute their arguments. With a heavy heart, he agrees to vote off his girlfriend (The Pirates of Penzance 17.33, The Yeomen of the Guard 17.34).

When Chris announces the verdict at the bonfire, nearly everyone is shocked—even most of the boys, who may have been surprised that their stratagem actually worked. Even Chris admits to being shocked.

As Bridgette makes her way down the dock, Geoff calls for her to wait, and says he’ll miss her. She asks for his assurance that he did not vote her off (The Pirates of Penzance 17.35), and he tells her that he did not—a potentially serious mistake, because the other boys are close enough to hear. The lovebirds approach for a parting kiss (The Sorcerer 17.36); but Geoff recoils at the last moment because, during the challenge, Bridgette had alarmed a family of skunks and paid the customary penalty. Geoff calls his goodbye from a safe distance, and Bridgette dejectedly boards the boat (H.M.S. Pinafore 17.37).

This episode gives several signs that relations among the girls are approaching the point of open warfare, reveals the true state of affairs between Heather and Lindsay, and gives the strongest indication yet that Izzy and Owen like each other and spend a good deal of time together.

Heather’s demanding nature erupts into cruel, naked greed when she locates Owen and D.J. for Chef Hatchet, but—despite the fact that having credit for two finds instead of one gives Heather no advantage—refuses to share the spoils with her alleged ally Lindsay. Heather’s ongoing mistreatment of Lindsay finally begins to open the uberbimbo’s eyes, and Lindsay is noticeably more assertive in the next episode.

The “every camper for themselves” mindset that Chris pronounced upon disbanding the teams has clearly not yet taken hold--only Heather uses the “state’s evidence” option, and she merely takes an opportunity that falls into her lap. Izzy has a similar opportunity to expose LeShawna, but does not do so. Because Duncan remained in the cave after founding the boys’ alliance, any of the other boys could have exposed him after being caught themselves, but there is no evidence that anyone did so.


Episode #18: That’s Off the Chain!

For help with navigating the page using the incident reference numbering, see the ”How to Use the Guide” section above.

See how the Fates their gifts allot,
For A is happy—B is not.
Yet B is worthy, I dare say,
Of more prosperity than A!
B should be happy!
Oh, so happy!
Laughing, ha, ha!
Chaffing, ha, ha!
Nectar quaffing, ha, ha, ha!
But condemned to die is he,
Wretched, meritorious B!
—from The Mikado

The challenge is to build a bicycle from a communal pile of parts. Chris will judge the designs. Two races ensue, but Chris does not tell the campers this until they have finished building their bikes.

As the campers begin scrounging through the parts pile, Owen vows to build his dream bike. Lindsay seconds that notion, and tells a sad story of how her father—wealthy and doting, according to Lindsay’s text biography—never got her the pony-themed novelty bicycle she always wanted. This story leaves D.J. and Owen at the point of tears; and it is with some difficulty that Duncan, warning that they must build good bikes to be able to vote the girls off, returns their attention to the task at hand (Ruddigore 18.01).

Chef Hatchet’s motorcycle is parked nearby. Heather orders Lindsay to dismantle the motorcycle for its higher-quality parts, although there is little evidence that any of these parts were ever put to use. Heather further instructs Lindsay to build Heather’s bike before starting work on her own. Lindsay is concerned that this could damage her own chances; but the Dark Queen purrs that she must win to be able to protect Lindsay, implying that Lindsay cannot survive without Heather’s strategizing and implying—not unreasonably—that Heather herself cannot survive without invincibility (The Mikado 18.02).

LeShawna, who is not mechanically inclined, is completely at a loss. Although she has presumably ridden bicycles before, she can’t even recognize a pedal until Gwen identifies it for her. As she stands contemplating her first move, Izzy hails her. The demented redhead, who is mechanically inclined, has already completed her bike and invites LeShawna to join her for a spin. They depart, touring most of the island at high speed, with Izzy pedaling like a maniac and the terrified LeShawna holding on for dear life, and neither Chris nor the other campers see them again for the rest of the challenge.

As Duncan, Geoff and Owen sit together, building their bikes, they fondly reminisce over the horrific injuries they suffered on their first bike rides (Princess Ida 18.03). The fainthearted D.J. overhears, and is terrified.

Chris has invited the campers to decorate their bikes to taste, using materials from the Arts & Crafts center, once the bikes’ basic components are in place. Gwen chooses a Gothic theme, for example, and Lindsay creates a facsimile of her pony-themed dream bike. Most notably, Geoff sketches a portrait of Bridgette and uses it as a figurehead (Iolanthe 18.04). In a confessional spot, Geoff, fighting back tears, begs forgiveness from his dearly departed for not insisting that the boys vote off someone else (H.M.S. Pinafore 18.05).

Lindsay proves to be a skilled mechanic, building good bikes for both Heather and herself. Heather’s bike, which she implausibly claims to weigh only two ounces, is built like a racing bike, and has a “secret weapon”—an engine, presumably from Chef Hatchet’s motorcycle. There is apparently no rule against this, and the communal parts pile apparently had at least one working engine, because Duncan has also built a motorbike.

Chris calls the campers to him for the judging. He pronounces D.J.’s overbuilt, safety-at-any-cost design “lame”, but gives varying degrees of approval to all the others. Geoff appears to win, but there is no discernable reward. Chris asks whether anyone has seen Izzy or LeShawna, but nobody has. He will ask again later, with the same results (The Yeomen of the Guard 18.06).

Dismissing the absent girls with a cheery “their loss”, Chris announces that the campers will be riding in two races. In the qualifying round, run on a beach course, rider and bike are matched by lot, with every bike (not rider) that finishes advancing to the finals. In this first race, the order of finish counts for nothing. In the finals, which will be run on an inland course, the builders of the qualifying bikes will ride their own bikes for invincibility.

The race begins, and Heather and Owen are left in the blocks—Heather because she can’t move D.J.’s tanklike bike in the sand, and Owen because Duncan’s bike has no pedals. Heather finally resorts to pushing D.J.’s bike, which the training wheels allow her to do effectively (The Gondoliers 18.07).

Owen eventually realizes that Duncan’s bike must actually be a motorbike (Utopia Limited 18.08) and figures out how to start it, but he is unprepared for its power. Owen completes the racecourse in a matter of seconds and, because he doesn’t know how to turn off the engine, tours the entire perimeter of the island in short order.

Heather, Lindsay, Duncan and Owen’s bikes qualify for the finals. As the four finalists, now on their own bikes, assemble at the starting line, Lindsay and Owen raptly admire each other’s bikes. When Owen remarks on how much fun his is to ride, though, Duncan steps in, brusquely impressing upon Owen that this is not the time to be concerned with “fun” (H.M.S. Pinafore 18.09).

Chris informs the racers that the course includes several hazards, including land mines, an oil slick, and a water hazard stocked with piranhas. After the expected statement that the winner will get invincibility, Chris drops a bombshell—the last to finish will be sent home without the customary elimination vote.

Digesting this remarkable news, Heather devises her strategy: Lindsay will clear a path through the various hazards, so Heather can get through. Realizing that Heather would be the winner under this scenario, Lindsay suggests that it would be a nice change of pace for her to win a challenge herself for once, instead of riding on Heather’s coattails.

Heather counters that Lindsay’s proposal would amount to winning the battle but losing the war, because Heather cannot survive without invincibility and Lindsay would be at a loss without Heather to think for her (Thespis 18.10, The Mikado 18.11, The Gondoliers 18.12, The Grand Duke 18.13). Lindsay accepts this reasoning because she has become more assertive but not more intelligent, and is no match for a fast talker like Heather (Utopia Limited 18.14).

Heather’s plan works perfectly—she wins, with Lindsay’s help, and Lindsay finishes second. Duncan and Owen fail to finish, however, so Chris announces that Lindsay is technically the last to finish (The Pirates of Penzance 18.15), and so has been eliminated through no fault of her own (H.M.S. Pinafore 18.16).

Lindsay is not intelligent enough to be angry, but she is deeply confused (H.M.S. Pinafore 18.17, The Gondoliers 18.18). Heather explains that the only way she can save Lindsay now is to donate her invincibility, which she refuses to do because it is too dangerous. In fairness, Heather has a point, and she had no way of knowing that neither Duncan nor Owen would finish the race.

More than the refusal itself, it is Heather’s openly contemptuous attitude that finally opens Lindsay’s eyes—too late—to the true nature of her “ally”. Heather won’t even acknowledge that Lindsay has assisted her in any way, and suggests that Lindsay leave quietly so she’ll look “more cuter” when the episode airs (The Gondoliers 18.19, The Grand Duke 18.20). When pressed, Heather eventually admits that she never really liked Lindsay. When Duncan calls the Dark Queen on her coldness, she airily replies that she has invincibility, so no one can touch her (Utopia Limited 18.21).

Heather’s revelation pushes Lindsay to the snapping point, and she cuts loose with a tirade consisting (in the original version, as opposed to the bowdlerized U.S. version) mostly of bleeped-out profanity (H.M.S. Pinafore 18.22, Ruddigore 18.23, The Grand Duke 18.24). Heather is floored, utterly unprepared for this level of venom from her normally docile and sweet-tempered lackey (H.M.S. Pinafore 18.25, The Grand Duke 18.26).

As Lindsay continues her rant, Heather regains her composure, only to be floored again when Lindsay insults her fashion sense (H.M.S. Pinafore 18.27, The Gondoliers 18.28). This is the crowning blow, and all the onlookers, including some local wildlife, have a good laugh at Heather’s expense.

The campers array themselves at the dock to see off Lindsay, who has accepted her fate. As she says her goodbyes, LeShawna assures her that she and the others would have kept Lindsay on, given a choice (The Mikado 18.29, The Gondoliers 18.30).

Lindsay finally comes to Heather, who is standing apart from the others. Diplomatically wishing her nemesis luck, Lindsay also expresses the wish that Heather get everything her karma owes her (Ruddigore 18.31, The Grand Duke 18.32).

The Loser Boat pulls away from the dock, and the viewer sees that Chris, for the only time in the series, is riding with the departing camper.

This episode casts Chris in a particularly bad light. He appears to be so busy inventing rules twists on the fly that he doesn’t consider the ramifications. For example, what is the point of the winner getting invincibility if there isn’t going to be a vote? And why send one of the finalists home, as opposed to someone who didn’t qualify for the finals? Chris also enforces a strange technicality against Lindsay, ruling her the last to finish, although the rest of the racing world places the last finisher ahead of DNF (Did Not Finish) racers.


Episode #19: Hook, Line and Screamer

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And shall I reckon risks I run
When services are to be done
To save the life of such a one?
Unworthy thought!
—from The Yeomen of the Guard

In an unannounced challenge, the campers face a “scary movie” scenario patterned after the Friday the 13th series. This episode primarily spoofs the horror movie genre and