LIFE AS AN EX-REALITY TV SHOW CONTESTANT was written by Sunshine, and was her first fan-fiction. Due to length I will only be judging chapter one.
Starts off pretty good, but I suggest Sunshine edits it a little to improve the grammar. (Multiple lines of dialogue in one paragraph! Dun dun dun! Trust me, breaking those up makes a story MUCH more pleasant to read.) I'm also glad that is it Lake Ontario High and not Wawanakwa High, because using "Wawanakwa" has been done to death. The second paragraph is also great Sunshine has a talent for writing from one characters' perspectives. Here is a great line "Smirking like the cat that swallowed the canary." Rarely do you see similes in these fan-fics. I noticed another grammar problem. (These grammar hints are mostly for Sunshine in case she wanted to change it. Instead of ending dialogue sentences with a comma, she uses a period. Like "I have a cat." Nalyd said. As opposed to "I hate cats," Nalyd said.) The teacher is pretty funny, but I sort of wish Gwen hadn't been called up so early. I would have loved more comments from the teacher as opposed to half the people smiling awkwardly at her, the other half glaring back. I guess that defines the characters from that point on. I love the "Meatless Mystery," the vegetarian alternative to Mystery Meat. The fight between Heather and Christin was perfectly written. One of the best conflict starters I've ever seen. Overall, chapter one gets a 9/10.
Well, that's all for now. More reviews, coming soon! --Nalyd Renrut - Legendary Snipe! FIRE EVERYWHERE! 11:37, 3 August 2009 (UTC)